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Has anyone else struggled with handwashing in their OCD? I’m interested in hearing other stories about different experiences with it

Hi, I’ve never shared on here before so please forgive me if this is too much or is upsetting. I’m currently struggling and don’t know what to do/need to vent. Since I was a kid, I can remember asking my mom things like “if I touch this and then touch my mouth, will I get sick?” Or the same question but with “will I die?” at the end. I’ve been afraid of illness, especially stomach illnesses for pretty much my whole life. I’ve gotten very sick in the past after not properly washing my hands and then eating, and it has scared me ever since. Now I’m 25 and constantly wash my hands and use hand sanitizer. If I’m at home I’ll wash my hands in the bathroom, then wash my hands in the kitchen, and then use hand sanitizer. This cycle is driving me insane, but if I don’t do it I’ll have panic attacks, convinced that I’ll get sick. Today, when I was getting up to get ready for work I opened my trash can and saw maggots. I’m home alone right now and had to do all the clean up myself. I’m very afraid of getting sick from this, and called my boyfriend sobbing because of how gross the situation was, and because I was so afraid. He assured me that this happens when flies get in the house in the summer time, but I still can’t get past it. I’m so stressed out about cleaning the entire house. I’ve already showered once and washed my hair, but can’t bring myself to eat or drink because I’m afraid something bad will happen. I’ve been dealing with health anxiety for almost 20 years, and the fact that I spend almost every second of every day worrying about getting sick or dying is a painful reality. I have a difficult time being social, going to work, and being intimate. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel completely hopeless and trapped in my mind. Has anyone dealt with this before? I really need to get help, but I don’t have health insurance right now and am trying to avoid going to the hospital (even though I think I might need to).

Hi everyone! Unfortunately, I am an individual who loves cooking but also suffers from contamination OCD. This really impacts the enjoyment I get from cooking and has recently been stopping me from cooking all together. Any tips or similar experience appreciated (:

I just had groceries delivered. I struggle really badly with contamination ocd, and the delivery guy left the groceries on the ground behind my car, without any bags. Just straight on the ground outside. Now I don’t know what to do. I feel like they are too dirty to bring into the house, and I don’t want to eat from anything that was touching the ground…. I feel so stupid, but I have been panicking for an hour not knowing what to do with them. Even if I wipe them, it feels like they won’t be clean enough and are still dirty and contaminated.

My journey with contamination ocd started when I was 16, I wouldn’t leave the house in fear of getting sick, I wouldn’t go near my mother, I wouldn’t even pet my cat in fear of getting sick. I sabotaged all of my friendships, stopped going to school, I even avoided eating because of my health anxiety. It took over my life, it turned it ups down and ruined everything in my life that I had any control over. But that’s the secret on how to cure your ocd. Let it talk. Let your ocd talk and accept it as apart of you. You are not disgusting for thinking these things, you are not evil. It can not hurt you, it is not true what it says to you or about you, your ocd is not you, it is an annoying coworker that nags you and punishes you. Let it talk. And just accept it instead of demonizing it. When you accept your ocd you will see it for what it really is, it’s not a demon, it’s not evil or cruel. It is hurt and wants to be listened to, and when you start listening to it that’s when your ocd stops attacking you and tells you what it really needs. It needs you to accept yourself for who you are. Let it be. Let yourself be. You are the universe in a body, you are kindness and beauty. OCD is all of that too. All you have to do is accept yourself and stop fighting yourself for being scared. Acceptance disempowers fear. You. Are. Capable. Now I am 18 years old. I got myself back into school, I have a boyfriend who treats me very well, and I got help for my ED. I did the work. I listened to my ocd. I loved her, I listened to her, and I accepted her, and I realized she is just scared. She just wanted to go home. One more time :) Just keep going one more time no matter how many one more times it takes just keep going. One more second One more minute One more day One more month One more year One more lifetime Keep going. One more time ; It only gets better from here :)

Contamination OCD sent me spiralling once before and now i have gotten into a new relationship it has come back. Bodily fluids came in contact with mine and I'm so scared of HIV even though i don't think he has it. I think this is all OCD, because last time, my fear of catching the disease was irrational, doctors and my therapist told me it was too. The uncertainty is horrible right now. I thought I could handle sex and everything but OCD won't let up. Any thoughts? I like this guy but OCD is scaring me so much and taking all the fun away

My first memory of doing compulsive actions to ease anxiety was when my mom had her final stroke. I remember there was urine everywhere because she had it as she was going to the restroom and I was the only one home. I was 11 at the time and she was so scared and i didn’t know what to do, I was just trying to clean up the mess and help her while keeping it together. Long story short, while the paramedics where stabilizing her in the ambulance I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and no matter how much I washed I couldn’t get the “dirty” feeling off. It slowly progressed as I grew up and got worse and worse. Everything I touch a lot of time feels like either my brother or mother touched it. My brother was alway extremely violent and after my mom passed I started to have nightmares that he would sexually assault me, because my bio father is a pedo and I keep grouping my brother and him together, like they are working to ruin my life. And thoughts like that and everything with my mom is drowning me. I don’t know how to let the past go. I’m writing this because at the moment I feel so contaminated and I’m so stuck. Sorry for tmi, I just want to understand if my past is triggering my ocd and how would I solve that?? Even though that’s a big question , any advice or anything would be so appreciated.

This is my first post and I’m not sure how I’m exactly supposed to do this lol. But my puppy I recently got has fleas and she sleeps inside since she’s small and it’s hot so I’ve been cleaning my room and around the house and the pup but I can’t do much since she’s too young to take any preventatives. But I keep finding a flea on me and I’ve been anxious to sleep in my room thinking they might be in there or scared to make my room dirty so I’ve been sleeping in a separate room from my house and I recently left for 3 days leaving the care of the pup with my friend. I’m going back home today and I’m worried about the fleas even though I’ve been doing as much as I can. I’ve been relaxed while away but now that I’m returning home I cannot help but think about how I felt when I was home and it sucks because I love my home and being home and I don’t want to view it as negative but that’s how I’ve been feeling :(. And I just want some more hope about this flea situation or advice from people that have been thought this.

I really need advice because I feel stuck. I know everyone on here is from all over. I’m from Ca and it’s so hot. Our ac just went out and we had someone come look at it but they said they would have to go inside our attic and replace something. I never have anyone come in because of my contamination ocd. So my mind is spinning out of control on what could be dragged in from the outside and the attic. I told him I needed time to adjust to him coming it so he did half the work and is willing to come back when I’m ready. It’s so hot I know it needs to get fixed but I’m freaking out!! I’ve never been up to the attic and I’m paranoid what might be there and plus him coming in and out of the house. I’m so tired of cleaning for hours and now if someone is coming it, who knows how long it will take. Can someone give advice! Thanks!!!

for the past 12 days i’ve really been struggling with feeling contaminated, over washing my hands yet they never feel clean, washing them so hard that i start to sweat and my arms give out. i feel like parts of my body are contaminated from being outside. instead of showering and washing my face like a normal person im avoiding myself because im afraid. im afraid that my hands will get contaminated and i wont stop washing my hands. (i know it doesn’t make sense but im experiencing a lot of stress that’s causing my bladder muscles to tighten and i can’t hold in my pee, i need my hands to be clean to even lower my pants) if i get stuck in a handwashing cycle ill pee myself and i never feel brave enough to start. this week has been very hard for me, struggling to eat, sleep, and bathe. i feel i have to move very carefully just to navigate life in a way that won’t stress me out. the fear of touching these areas and my brain constantly convincing me i did had been very hard on me. i know the answer is obvious but i don’t know how to build up the confidence to do these things. i’ve been in a very stressed out and suicidal state for the past month i really dont want to trigger any negative feelings but this isn’t any better. what can i do to just… i guess not be afraid and go for it?

Does anyone ever experience their OCD themes shifting extremely quickly? This has been going on for the past few months. I keep flicking through health concern, contamination, psychosis and sexual orientation.

I have realized my fear is a bit different from people who just have emetophobia but not ocd, even when the phobia mimics obsessive compulsive symptoms. They fear the actual act of being ill, and all of the gross stuff that happens with it. They also have a fear of not being in control. I have found that I moreso fear contamination. While I would be okay with being sick from a spinny ride, what would cause me to not be able to overcome it would be the fear that it was because I was actually sick with norovirus. This is perhaps because my body would not mend itself immediately after being sick one time if I caught something. The idea of being infected with something foreign disturbs me deeply. I also feel as if everything will be ruined if I am sick, that the world will end. I get comfort from remembering that the things and people I love would still be there, that they wouldn’t be contaminated or gone, which is something I don’t see with just emetophobics.

Just wanting to put this out there to see if anyone else relates. I’ve always tried to pinpoint the root cause of my most frequent “themes” for my intrusive thoughts. I experience Sexual Orientation OCD, Gender OCD, Relationship OCD, Pedo OCD, Harm OCD, and few others that I feel I’ve gotten better with like Germ OCD. I think my OCD really began when I was a teenager and the more I think back and think on my themes and their impact on my mood when they happen, makes me try to relate them to some trauma I experienced as a child that causes me to question my reality and beliefs. Like being called a lesbian slur in school because I was self conscious of my weight and so I wore boy clothes because they were more comfortable and not form fitting. And I also think I may be autistic due to many reasons (like the sensory issue of clothes being too tight) but one being that I mirrored people I wanted to befriend or be liked by and this was a problem in school growing up because I tried skateboarding and sports and such to impress boys because I thought to be liked by them, I had to relate to them and it happened again in high school when I tried to be “country” and like hunting and trucks and all that to fit in more with my new school that was in a small southern town. All of this to say my whole childhood, all I’ve wanted was to be liked, loved, and to fit in and I WANTED to be feminine but femininity didn’t fit with my body size/shape and all the girly things just made me too seen and like everyone could see every flaw I had in bright neon colors. Thankfully as I’ve grown up I’ve found my own style and way of expression and embracing my femininity and curves. I’ve let loose on my personality to be my authentic self but my thoughts throw me back to when I dressed and acted more boyish to fit in and get boyfriends saying “you’re not feminine, you’re masculine, you’re just acting feminine” amongst other thoughts and it makes it hard to enjoy being happy with ACTUALLY being myself because my mind keeps telling me I’m faking. I also had trauma with being groomed growing up by older men and my older sister practicing kissing with me even though I didn’t want to (we are 2.5 years apart) and that gives me intrusive thoughts about finding younger people attractive (like teens much younger than me) and gives me anxiety when I’m trying to change my nieces diaper giving me intrusive thoughts like “don’t touch her there, don’t look there, you’re violating her” when in reality, I’m just trying to make sure she doesn’t get a UTI from not being wiped all the way clean after pooping. This was a much longer post than intended and I could keep going with more examples but I just want to see if anyone else can relate to this and what has helped them.

What do you do when your main support person is giving up on you and threatening to have you committed because they are tired of dealing with your OCD? It wasn’t even that big of a deal, but then her anger led to a traumatic moment of triggers that just escalated the situation to a level 10. I’m trying my best and felt like I was finally making some progress doing ERP, but then she just told me today she was going to call 911 and have them come get me and take me away because she’s over dealing with my OCD. I feel so lost and alone and worthless. I have contamination OCD, so it’s not like I can just leave for a couple days or something. I don’t know what to do. I just feel so awful for making someone else feel like they want to have me taken away. I’m so scared and sad and feeling like it would be better if I did go away.

Idk how to help myself bc I don’t understand what I’m thinking or why. I constantly feel disconnected from the world around me and I don’t trust anything I do. I don’t trust myself not to do things. For example, I find washing my hair rly difficult because I don’t trust that I haven’t poured bleach over my hands or something causing my hair to get damaged. It’s rly random, but it’s almost always contamination and chemical based. Idk what to do anymore.

the way my ocd works is anything in my room is automatically mine and NEEDS to be clean, if another person steps foot in my room everything in there is automatically not clean and I feel the need to throw everything away. On the rare occasion I feel okay enough to let someone in, they can't touch anything. Today I had my dad come in to show me how to install some shelfs for my legislation, and for some reason he decided to put the not yet clean shelf on a pile of unfolded laundry despite the fact I told him less than 5 min ago to not, I have a HUGE room, so much floor space, so many within arms reach places. I instantly started panicking and crying since now I feel the need to throw all my clothes away and he started screaming at me, saying he didn't want to play into this childish fantasy anymore. As well as threatening to touch everything in my room and mocking doing so I know it's not a reaction I cant control, but I really do wonder if I have ocd or if I'm just a really weird freak. Have I been lying to myself this while time? Did the doctors lie to me? I feel so... immature for acting so badly to it, but it genuinely makes me want to rip my own eyes out. Why doesn't he understand it? Is that my fault too? I feel so lost and misunderstood and alone. I don't know what to do.

I have severe emetophobia, and last night my partner threw up. They had taken too many edibles (completely legal in my state and we’re of legal age) and asked me to go downstairs so I wouldn’t have to hear. I was panicking, going through all the times I had touched/kissed them that day, trying to work out how contagious it might be, etc. I definitely fell into the reassurance seeking/googling trap for a minute, asking them if they were SURE they weren’t sick, that it was just the edibles, but eventually I managed to put away my phone, tell myself “If it does end up being contagious, I can worry about it when it’s actually happening,” and go to sleep. I certainly didn’t handle it perfectly, but for where my mental state has been, I’m glad I was able to calm myself down and go to sleep.

I may have brushed up against my bed with my outside clothes on. Will this contaminate my bed? Also has anyone else felt that they had breathing problems from spraying excessive Lysol?

I need advice. Or similar experiences shared. I have contamination OCD. Was in NOCD therapy and doing ERP. Initially saw progress with ERP, but I hit a wall. I had to give up therapy and switch to a psychiatrist to seek help through meds. I had to give up therapy for psychiatry due to financial reasons. Anyways, i’m a couple of weeks into my transition from Lexapro to Zoloft with the intention of slowly upping my dose of Zoloft. In the meantime, I have suffered several panic attacks (something that is not common for myself), emotional breakdowns, and periods of random crying and severe sadness. My mood has stabilized some but I am still very easily triggered. My living situation is slowly becoming harder and harder to navigate. Kitchen is contaminated. So is the living room and dining room. My boyfriend is contaminated. Physical touch is extremely challenging and it breaks my heart. Where he sleeps and his things are contaminated. So is the laundry room. I used to be able to say my bedroom, bed, closet, and bathroom were my safe spaces. But now, that’s going away as well. Recent bug incidents in both my bathroom and closet have changed that. I don’t know what to do or how to fix it. We spray our pest control product, call for the apartment to do the same, I have light plug ins for flying insects, and another set of plugins supposed to emit some sound that bugs don’t like. I keep a clean and tidy house. I know having bugs is normal- but it’s making my OCD even worse as of late. Any help, guidance, suggestions, or related experiences are extremely welcome.

just wanted to share what happened to me yesterday. I had bad diarrhea but it kind of forced me to control/dial down my handwashing. So I got diarrhea at 12am and then had it around several more times after that, it didn’t stop til 11 am the next day(yesterday). Typically I wash my hands 3 times to feel clean after using the restroom and sometimes get stuck in the process of it when counting if it doesn’t feel right, so it’s time consuming and i’ve been trying to work on that, but I always give in. I thoroughly washed my hands only once after the second and third time I had diarrhea. I’m proud of myself and hopefully this permanently changes me to only washing my hands once bc a regular bathroom visit doesn’t need so much handwashing. though I still have steps and a process of how I wash them, but a step forward is a step forward. I felt like crap, hadn’t slept, and been sitting on the toilet and waiting it out so I think my brain wasn’t focused so much handwashing, plus I had other things to do so I wouldn’t have had time to do my lengthy handwashing process anyway. I was waiting to shower just in case I had to visit the loo again. I had to use my parents shower bc mine was occupied I feel uncomfortable in other showers I don’t like to touch other things in it, so i guess i was kind of stalling but I really wanted to shower. I showered like normal and my finger accidentally touched a sponge brush handle when turning off the water. if this had happened on a different day I would rewash my hands in the shower but my body wanted to lay down and rest asap so I didn’t give in and i just walked out and changed. I washed my hands later but for a different reason and it was short. While I still have contamination ocd about bathrooms and people not washing their hands after using it, lengthy handwashing was one of the bigger issues i wanted to tackle and so hopefully after what happened yesterday i can keep the time under control. Has this happened to anyone, where your ocd isn’t as bad and you hope it stays that way? To add, i am kind of worried about what caused my diarrhea though. so hopefully that doesn’t manifest into another part of my contamination ocd. i just have to be careful when handling food.