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Anyone here with POCD with false memories? I need someone to talk to please

OCD makes me feel like I’m holding in the biggest secret about myself and I don’t deserve happiness. I feel red faced and nervous all the time, when the thoughts come on it feels like a big rush of “truth” hits me and I can’t not believe it

Does anyone else feel like your OCD goes after everything that’s important or precious to you? Like if you have a dear memory of something, your mind will try to tell you why that’s wrong or bad even when you know it’s something perfectly pure and a happy memory. I feel so beat up by this illness.. it steals my joy. Only Jesus can help me, only he knows just how bad this torment in my head is.

Since my ocd started i feel really weird, like i’m faking my hole life and i’m not the person i know i am, it’s really strange and it’s making me feel like i’m gonna lose control cause i’m not being myself… i don’t know how to explain it but it feels like i’m constantly fighting and every single thing means i’m gonna snap and hurt someone i love

The past few days have been a lot better. But recently I’ve been struggling again with dark wicked unwanted blasphemous thoughts. Such as demonic thoughts, devil thoughts, Satan heart thoughts, worship thoughts & s soul thoughts. These thoughts scare me so much. Especially since I have been having False Memory and it makes me think I’ve accidentally said those nasty thoughts out loud. Sometimes the thoughts are demands of blank enter my heart which is so scary! Or it replaces there names. I just hate when my mind says I “want them” I don’t. I love Jesus & God so much and I feel like I’m disappointed them or made them mad. I don’t ever want them to leave me. Does God & Jesus love me even with these awful thoughts? Sometimes I just get so much guilt & shame. Last night the really hit me hard after being ok for the last 3 days. I just don’t ever want God & Jesus to reject me or look at me with disgust. I know He loves us so much but it’s difficult to see whenever these disgusting thoughts come. I just feel so “far” or how could He want someone like me. I try to remind myself a lot of us Christians struggle with blasphemous thoughts. Religious OCD is pretty common for having devil/demonic thoughts but it just makes you feel so evil. Any advice? Does God & Jesus still love me even with these thoughts, feelings, urges? I pray and sometimes I just feel shame. I love them. Am I okay?

I need some help with this. Anyways when I watch PHUB sometimes I don’t remember the name of the video or the channel of the pHUB video and the next time I want to view that video I try to remember the gist of the title. While I was trying to get off I’m trying to find that video that I seen last time and it was an amateur couple and one of the title of the videos (paraphrasing it) suggested they are married and have a kid. So the video name was something along the lines as their kid was away at school they were at home alone. No clearly nothing illegal or suspicious So I search that up on PHUB and the word “kid” was in it and instantly PHUB shows this page where it’s “illegal” to look for anything in that context. But the thing is, I was NOT looking for that at all, not my intentions, not my desire, I was trying to find that video but didn’t realize that word “kid” could be interpreted the wrong way. Because that video title was indicating the married couple home alone while their daughter or son was at school and I typed their “kid away at school” and I got flagged which again I didn’t intend to do anything like that or look for that. I immediately backed out and felt very uncomfortable and stressed. No I’m extremely worried that police might get the wrong idea or the government watching over our internet search and they think I’m a pedo when I’m not at all. I don’t know who to talk to about this. Now I’m worried that something will happen to me and people will think I’m someone else when I’m not.

Hi! I've been dealing with something that really bothers me,I'm in therapy for it but I end up being sucked up in a loop of thinking about it all the time. I need help. Ok this is the story,I was having ocd thoughts like always " if u do this,this will happen,if you don't do this,ull attack someone" . That day I had a thought about my nephews,that I'll do something inappropriate with them,I was working in the house and I stopped a compulsion earlier and in that second my brain was like " omg what if something happend now" I continued my work yet was like "did something happen? Maybe I went to their house" lol after a while I was analyzing the thought like " what if I do that,would I feel guilty?" I didn't freak out,nothing,that surprised me. Then I feelt like ,wait what if I really do it,what if I snap?like an urge. If I think about it does it mean I will do it cuz I didn't have any negative feelings about it at that time. I started to ruminate and ask myself "what if I test myself and start the car and go to their house to see what I will do" .."I would probably just turn around or say hi but be in total panick and at the end I wouldn't even believe myself if I didn't do anything. I tested myself with the thoughts. And I got such anxiety rush afterwards while I was working in the house as if I might snap and had to be sure that I'm in the moment and remember everything. When I got to the house of my brother,I had anxiety but I didn't fight it,I thought, ah ill feel it,just continue walking,my mind was like trying to endure it and not analize the feelings,I remember I sit on the couch,we were talking,I went up and waited for my sister to get out of the bathroom and I tought to myself " now that I'm in the house,I could go to the kids room but I wont" .like I was analyzing that now that I'm near I wouldn't do it. But damn when I woke up,I feelt horrible, like I really did something, my kind feelt like it has a blockage,and I feelt horrible and guilty until today,that I cannot tell my brain what really happend. I was analyzing my thoughts and testing in my mind how far I would go that i have no idea now what to believe. I'm doin EMDR now for that day,my question is,is ALL THAT OCD? I was afraid afterwards why I didn't feel disgust that day cuyz of my thoughts. And now I'm spiraling,is that also ocd? And what can I do to finally stop the doubt and be sure 100 that nothing happened. Hope someone can relate

Hi all, new here. I have been struggling with OCD for about 11 years now. I was diagnosed at 15 and am now almost 27. My main theme is POCD, although I have suffered with many other subtypes. Lately, I’ve been experiencing a lot of false memories. I started having them around 20 years old, but now it has taken over my life completely. At first the false memories were about past events I thought could have happened, but now it is false memories in real time. For example, like thinking you turned the oven on before you left even though you checked it 10 times over. It’s things like that, but with POCD. I cannot distinguish fiction from reality anymore. As of late, I have a serious fear and obsession with cameras. I am constantly terrified of blurting things out on camera, or acting out intrusive thoughts. It has gotten so bad, I cannot be around anyone’s phone but my own. I am constantly having family members check their photos to tell me if I somehow took a video or picture of doing something completely awful. When I am around someone’s phone that I am not able to check, I have serious meltdowns because I am not able to ask them if I’ve done anything. I also check everywhere for cameras, like literally will dig through bags and open drawers/cabinets to make sure there is no camera. It is the scariest thing I have ever experienced. Going out in public in front of cameras is a nightmare for me but I seriously try to do my best. I literally can’t work anymore around other people because I am so scared of their phones. I had to quit my last job because it was becoming so debilitating. I would make up stories like “hey let me air drop a photo to you” just to get them to open up there photo app so I could see I did not record myself saying anything incriminating. I cannot call important people without panic, and if I do I cannot leave voicemails because I believe I will say something wrong. I cannot send emails because I have a fear of saying something wrong. The only social media app I have is Facebook because I’ve had it long enough I feel comfortable using it but I’ve deleted every single app that didn’t have an activity log showing me what comments or likes I’ve left on things. I’ve deleted everything that I can take pictures with (except my iPhone camera of course) I can’t even download a game without thinking I am messaging people on said game! I literally downloaded a game recently and had my mom go over every single thing on it to make sure it wasn’t possible to message other players. I cannot do simple things such as writing something down like signing my name on important documents because I think I write terrible things. This has literally taken over every single aspect of my life. I am miserable, I can’t find help. I have been to many therapists, and taken many medications. Nothing helps. I am at my wits end please help me, or share if you’ve been through anything similar or how you navigated that. I am desperate.

Hi everyone. I am new to Nocd. My story: The first time I got intense intrusive thougts of religious ocd is when I was 11 years old. They were very intense. I was ashamed of those thoughts and didn't know what to do with them. I literally didnot tell anyone and suffered alone. It made it hard for me to pray. Over the years it took many forms. I didn't know it was OCD. My mental health deteriorated with waves of depression because of OCD as I got threatened from my OCD thoughts of death of me and my closed ones. They were scary. I also imagined things and felt like seeing things out of fear. These phases of depression brought me down everytime I stood up somehow. Soon I was struck with existential and identity crisis, questioning the meaning of life and existence, nothing seemed valuable and worth it. I questioned my academics and everything. Definetly my grades and health everything deteriorated. It showed in my physical health too. I started having mental fog and questioning reality, my self along with a lot of changes in my life. After class ten, there were suddenly a lot of changes when my mental health was already not okay making it hard for me to adapt. I saw everything blurry and removed. I couldn't connect to anyone. I associated fear to all the things, plus my home. And because I already had so much threatenings of death, I couldn't even recognise the reality. I felt far removed from my reality like I went somewhere far away, a lot of time has passed and there's not much time for me and I struggled with memory too. After 12th, I joined University. One year later, I met a boy with whom I instantly felt sparks. Note: I never dated anyone before and feeling a spark like that with somebody which made me take the step is a lot. I wanted to commit to him but then my ROCD kicked in. I didn't even know about it but I did some mistakes because of it I feel like because ROCD was so intense it made me feel like an emergency to leave the relationship. He had OCD too as he said. He have it in terms of 'perfectionism'. Also he was very sensitive, enraged kind of person, I got to know later on. Had a lot of emotional outbursts making me more question the relationship to leave. We became like an anxious-avoidant couple. I regret many things like what I have avoided if I knew its ROCD and worked on it and so many. He 'abused me. He started abusing me. Idk I started feeling like I made him that kind of a person because he actually compared me with his former gf, with whom he used to even secretly talk. I couldn't get out of the abusive relationship sooner but recently which added extra trauma. Well, here am I 'single' but I feel a lot of guilt and also I need to make my mental health better because this experience made me realise how my bottled up things made an explosion. Thankyou! to whoever reads this! Oh yeah I also deal with a Lott of decision making difficulties, indecisiveness and regret over small things and doings. And also because of my life going like this and getting ruined where there was so many expectations from me, I regret a lot I guess. I think of many possibilities how my life would have gone and always put infront of me possibilities and choices. So I am currently dealing with my thoughts and uncertainty about my future after a Lott of trauma. Oh my god..there is so much

Im not diagnosed, so my situation is more scary :( Today I was in art class, which is really scary to me since because I deal with sexual nasty thoughts, images and urges and we’re all in the same table and that makes us be really tight one to another, and I get really uncomfortable Everything started good, we’re only a few of us and everything was fine and i didn’t have much issue but then a female classmate sits next to me and we start talking, but then idk what came first but i had this thought of me touching her chest inaproppiatly before or after ( i don’t remember) i was talking to my classmate and she answered my question with a nervous tone and the answer was short and, first I didn’t overthink but then i tried asking her more questions and she answered me with the same tone and I got really anxious because why isn’t she answering me? Then she got really frustrated because she didn’t wanted to do her drawing and she was really frustrated all the class so maybe she was answering me weird because of it, and I don’t even know if her answers to me were 100% weird because I haven’t talked to her a lot but I felt like she was ignoring me and now I’m scared that I did do my thought and that I traumatized Then when I had to leave, I complemented her drawing and she just said “yes” so I’m overthinking right now What if it’s true and I traumatized her for life and then she’s gonna acuse me or something even though I don’t know if it’s true aaaaa help

This may make someone uncomfortable. My brother and I have shared a room and bed for our whole lives. I’m a girl by the way. When I was 10 and he was 8, I very slightly pulled down his diaper to smell his fart when he was asleep. For some reason, I liked the smell of farts at that age and I don’t anymore. I’m really scared that I abused him. I told him about this and he doesn’t care and he said it’s not a big deal since we were young. But the guilt is eating me alive. I feel like I sexually abused my own brother. Just to be clear, I’m not attracted to him AT ALL. I never have been. The reason I’m so guilty is because he was asleep. And I don’t remember if I had done it for arousal or not. But if I did, then it would be sexual abuse. I would never ever do anything like this today. I looked it up on AI and it said that this was sexual abuse. I’m terrified. I’ve never ever had thoughts of abusing him and I’m scared that this could possibly be abuse. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep because I feel like I abused my own brother. I’ve had crippling anxiety all day and I’ve had several panic attacks. Please help me. And also please be honest. Am I an abuser?

Still thinking about awful fanfiction I read as a teen. I remember at some point reading some from the anime Black Butler and at some point, I have no idea when or how old I was but I remember reading one I think that was Ceil who is a very young character with the butler character who is a grown man character and I’m just so confused how I could have read that at ANY age but I’m worried what if I had read it when I was older? Because I remember reading some when I was like 16 I think with Ceil that was like a reader insert and it disgusts me because even though I swear I remember aging the character up in my head and he had to be written that way in the story as well. But why did I do that in the first place? You can’t just age up the character. And I never remember finding the character attractive ever so why did I do that? I read some with the butler and some other character that’s older but it really bothers me that I did that with the one character is much younger. But that’s another reason why I’m worried is I feel like what if when u was reading those ones where I was imagining Ceil to be older, what if I imagined him older with the butler character?? And he STILL would be a minor. I have no idea what I did. But then I feel like maybe I didn’t actually read a Ceil and Sebastian one maybe I’m just imagining it, but I feel like I remember reading it. It’s so completely against my morals and values. It’s so frustrating when I know what my morals and values are but then it’s like yeah but you did this absolutely AWFUL thing that says otherwise. I know this is probably self pitying so I feel bad to say this but I wanna cry because it feels so unfair, like how could I have done this? And I feel that way about all of my mistakes. I feel like I know who I am and I wouldn’t dare do the things I did now, but I already did them so I feel so confused and defeated. It feel like a bad dream. I know it’s been years, I’m about to turn 22 and I haven’t read fanfiction or anything like that in a long time, but I can’t get over the fact that I ever read the stories that I read. It doesn’t matter how many years ago, I don’t get how I went years without thinking about this until what I hope is pocd kicked in and I remembered this.

What is a healthy way to deal with false memories? Especially very vivid ones? I’ve been feeling relatively anxiety-free over the past few days but it suddenly started again because I got triggered by going on a beautiful date with my partner :( I’m so sad that these happy moments always trigger intrusive thoughts. Essentially, about a year and a half ago, I went to karaoke with my friend group. At one point, I went into the bathroom and a guy in our friend group was waiting to use the bathroom after me. I passed him in the quiet, dark and empty hallway. I remember I had an intrusive thought about making out with him in that moment. It lingered even after I got back from the bathroom. For a year and a half, I didn’t think about that incident at ALL. I have gone through so many cheating ROCD phases since then (even one super recently about 3 weeks ago), but never have I EVER considered that I may have cheated physically in any way (it was always centered around digital/emotional cheating). I know for a fact that if something had happened, there is absolutely NO way that I would have just forgotten about it. Cheating ROCD has been my main theme since I first got with my partner, and I know for a fact that there is no way I would ever cheat on him or trigger that in any way. Well for some random reason, this memory popped into my head. I pictured myself making out with him in the bathroom. I feel sick and panicked. The image of that happening is literally like a nightmare. When I replay it in my head, I start to panic and I feel like vomiting and confessing. I am so terrified now that it may have happened. The thing is, this guy is in our friend group and he was dating my friend at the time. He’s still in my social circle. I feel like I would absolutely know if I had made out with him - socially, *something* would have changed right? We have literally no messages together, no indication of any sort of romantic interaction EVER. I also don’t drink, so I know I was sober when it “happened,” so there is no issue of alcohol potentially clouding my mind. I keep replaying the image of us making out and it’s making me so so sick, physically. The thing is, at the time I remember that I had an intrusive thought about making out with him, and I remember that I deliberately walked past him and kept telling myself that I’m innocent, that nothing happened, and I remember questioning it even from the moment that I walked past him. Why is the memory so vivid? Should I keep replaying it?

So I haven’t been getting intrusive thoughts as much but I have been thinking that maybe I force the thoughts and am really a bad person just tricking myself into thinking I might have ocd but in reality I want these things to happen but I know I don’t and idk what to do or if I’m just a bad person it hurts me a lot.

So, usually when I am at work (or really any social situation at all) by myself, I immediately start to panic and want to compulsively document and record my actions and surroundings. I feel like my life is a 24/7 reality show because I am convinced if I don’t document when I’m alone, that something bad happened to me whether that be someone did something to me or that I did something bad to someone and just won’t remember or recall it. It is my biggest nightmare and makes me feel so weak that I can’t be alone leisurely anymore because I’m going to convince myself bad things happened unless I take pictures or record myself. It is exhausting and years ago I was never like this. I would love to take drives and listen to music and look around stores for fun and peace. I can no longer do that, and am having a hard time even being at work alone unless I have a trusted co-worker with me and even then I still get the compulsion to document things. I’m having a very hard time trying to work ERP therapy in with this specific obsession.

Hi, I’m not new here, and if you’ve seen any other of my posts you’ll know I’m undiagnosed, i don’t know if I have ocd The thing is, I think I’ve struggled with ZOCD (which is super super super horrible, since I’m a super fan animals) since 2022, but since last November it has became so horrible, and the worst part is that I think I have false memories too, so a really bad combination I’ve been working a lot, to the point that I’m not longer afraid of being in the same house as my dog (I was so afraid of it) but I still have some horrible thoughts that I’m gonna do something bad to one, and I have this intrusive images that make me think that this images aren’t imahes but repressed memories (since the images appear the exact moment when I’m for example petting the dog or washing the mares that babysit sometimes) But although that, I thought I was getting better but I have now this fear of impusivy acting on an image and it scares me a lot, but I try to not avoid things because I’m 80% convinced that I have ocd The thing is, today I was at school and I was writing with my black pen, blue pen and my red color and sometimes when I write the ink falls over my fingers, and gets in my nails. After I stoped writing, I and took a long time while packing my stuff in my backpack, and I was leaving my seat of the outside table because it was time to go home and this dog (I’m in Mexico, and sometimes dogs live in the universitys) wanted to greet me, and she was really cute so I pet her as an exposure I think, but then I had to walk past her to get to get to the exit, so I got mentally brave and passed by her side without grabbing both of my hands (I do that when I’m scared of involuntary doing something horrible) , but I got this image of me doing something horrible to her, and i first was like, of course that didn’t happen, but then my mind focused in one finger (I think was the one that I used to close my backpack) and I checked this finger and had like a little purple ink it, and now I’m freaking out because what if the image happen and I did something horrible to her, an the ink isn’t ink but blood or something (even though it seems like ink, since some pens ink turn a little purple when dried and the red color could have helped) but I’m freaking out now, I’m trying to recreate the exact same ink colour on my other nails to make myself sure that it was ink and not something else, the problem is that the pen is not working and I don’t have another pen of that exact brand so I don’t know what else to do I’m scared, and if it where true I could not live anymore, and I’m scared that I didn’t noticed that that hypothetical did happen but that that other people did noticed (if it were true) and they are going to think I’m bad person and I just never know and my life is gonna be a lie or that I’m just in denial AAAAA Please please help me :((

I would like to get an answer for this cause i want to know why this keeps happening. I compare myself with others cause i dont see others having the same problem. When they have a setback its usually because of a hard day or a big trigger, however for me its just forgetting what i have to do. A month ago i was really good, i dont say i didnt had setbacks but i saw that im going somewhere, you know the setbacks were weaker and weaker, and one day i just someone understood how emotions and thoughts works and i was able to enjoy my day while i had thoughts and emotions, but it didnt affected me. Then i was like this is so good, but im afraid i will just forget it like everytime and believe me or not, the moment i said it i felt that im slowly losing what i learned and after some time i didnt know what to do with the thoughts and emotions when before i realized it and i was living my life like that. And then i was unable to do the same thing, it was like my brain deleted it. It really feels like theres something wrong with my mind, how it foegets just like that what i did before? And now after 1 month im still struggling, the videos that used to help me and made me realize what i need to do doesnt help me, its like im watching nothing, my mind doesnt realizez this video made me understand what i need to do before, now it doesnt make me do anything. And im keep falling back to the point that my panic attacks are back, and it makes me feel so bad cause it means i did nothing, after all this work it got back and im still dont know how to deal with it. Im feeling like how i felt 2-3 years ago, like these years were nothing. Im really afraid that sometime i will get the night panic attacks again when i will be afraid that i will hurt myself or be afraid of i will unalive myself... It doesnt seems like im learning something. Look st my other posts, it seemd like im so close to recovery and im learning alot, but now if i read those i cant relate to those... its like a different person and it doesnt started slowly, like i engaged in unhealthy behaviours, it all started when i thought "i hope i wont forget this" and then i actually forgot what i learned... just like that... and now im again questioning acceptance, what to do with my emotions when i understood that and i was working on it. Im sitting in bed and i try to remember what i did when i get these bad emotions and all i can remember is when people say "you have to let yourself feel the feelings" and im letting myself but all i do is im drowning in them. After anxiety it comes anger then anxiety again and then im depressed and hopeless and then panic comes... i dont get why letting these to come helps me, it makes me drown and become depressed which will only send me to a therapist who will say accept it too... It doesnt make me learn anything it just drowns me, i dont get this acceptance and letting myself feel bad... Im just letting negative emotions take over me without trying to stop it cause now im accepting it...and it doesnt makes me realize anything.

Hello, I am fairly new to this app. I wanted to speak about the way I dream. I have dreams like I am hurt physically usually bloody either self inflicted or by some random person in my dream. Then I get saved by people I care about like friends or even people that I have a crush on. Or sometimes I have dreams that I speak about tramuatic events that I went through as a child to a crush and the feel bad for me and want to help me. I dont fear these dreams at all but I notice every time I sleep I ball my fists and when I dont I cant sleep.I clench my fists so hard in the morning they are sore. Also these dreams are almost every night.I am also very sensitive to how people talk to me if I am yelled at I shut down and have chest palpitations that radiate to my heart to my arms numbing it. Does anyone else experience any of these? Ive been researching and found myself here. For reference I have been tested for ADHD and I dont have it but I was told I might have OCD from the other symptoms I experience like heavy Intrusive thoughts, anxiety attacks/episodes, depression,dissociation ( like I am not real and even my emotions are like frozen and more) , bothered all day if something is moved by someone else when I put it a certain way, rituals ( blinking, and looking away from something multiple times mostly in number of twos etc), contamination ( washing my hands many times in between getting dressed after eacb task to feel clean), hating certain textures of fabrics or objects(more of a werid one ive had for a long time),procrastination, reassurance on all my action causing me to not think for myself, poor memory or false memory,and more.Any response would be helpful.

About a year and a half ago, my friend group went out for karaoke. On the way to the bathroom, in the empty hallway, I passed a guy in my friend group (who had a girlfriend at the time, and I was already with my partner at the time). I remember it was dark, quiet, and empty, and I remember thinking “what if I made out with him right now?” I know I just walked past him and went into the bathroom as normal, but I remember the intrusive thought lingered even after I got back from the bathroom. It made me anxious at the time but I quickly got distracted and moved on. Now for some reason it popped into my head again and I am thinking maybe I did make out with him. However I know this is ridiculous. First of all, if I had actually cheated, there is absolutely no way that I would have just forgotten that and moved on. I know myself and I know I would have anxiously confessed right away. Second of all, the guy is still in our friend group, and there is no way that BOTH of us would have randomly, completely out of the blue, cheated on our partners and have no one find out. I have looked through my very brief messages with that guy, and there is nothing even remotely suspicious. There is no way that we would have just decided to make out all of a sudden without some sort of indication of something in our messages. I know i’m being stupid, but I’m getting so anxious about this that i almost want to message him and ask if anything happened. But I know how incredibly weird and strange and insane that would be. This sucks. False memories suck.

So, I was doing better last night because I was actually able to calm myself down, but now I’m worrying again. When I was little, I think I did some incest-related things. Nothing too extreme, but now I know better and I would never ever engage in those activities again. I don’t know how normal this is. I’m not attracted to ANY of my family members, but I feel so much shame and disgust when I think about what I did. How did I think that was okay? I feel so disgusting because I know how wrong incest is. Again, I did not do anything extreme but the fact that I did anything incest-related at all is scary. I don’t remember if I was aroused doing all of this, but if i was, then that would mean I was incestuous. This is so tiring and overwhelming, one minute I’ll feel better, the next minute, I’m worrying and ruminating. I feel so disgusting and I dont know how to stop these negative thoughts. I know how wrong incest is and would NEVER engage in those activities today. Please help me.