Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Hi everyone, I am 23 and my ex boyfriend is 24. I was broken up with at the beginning of September after a 4 year relationship with someone I adopted a dog with and lived with. We were each other’s first everything and I thought this was the person I was going to marry. I was completely blindsided and the reasoning I got was “I’ve been thinking about this for awhile. I am not emotionally mature enough to handle the stress of my life and also be in a relationship supporting you. I don’t communicate my feelings or needs well. I hold in my stress and it leads to me building resentment towards you and taking it out on you, which isn’t fair.” It’s important to know that since June, I’ve been dealing with Harm OCD and Relationship OCD that I got back into therapy to treat. I was doing my best to be self reliant but I definitely was scared and asked my boyfriend to be home more and spend more quality time with me while I work through this period of anxiety. I made sure to let him know that even though I was dealing with something scary, I wanted him to open up and let me support him with his stress too because it’s just as important as mine. He always told me “don’t worry about me, I’m good. Let’s get you right.” Even when I told him I was scared he’d run because of my anxiety, he told me he wasn’t going anywhere and to focus on myself. Apparently, he lied. I have since moved out of our apartment and back in with my parents. And I am keeping our dog. Since we’ve had to un-intertwine our lives these last few weeks, I wasn’t able to go no contact with him. Because of this, it led to me initiating several conversations asking questions about why this was happening, when he started feeling this way, why he didn’t give us a chance to work through problems, etc. I believe my OCD was having a hard time with the unknown and uncertainty because I was (and still am) in shock that this is my reality. I had this insatiable need to understand why and how this was happening and his vague non-answers only made me more confused and upset. Because I asked so many questions and wanted to understand this, he got pushed farther and farther away. Now he just wants nothing to do with me. He has started being mean and has emotionally shut down. He went from “I need to work on myself and then go from there. Maybe in the future this will work out…” to “I think we should both move on. I don’t know how much clearer I can make it.” I genuinely don’t recognize him anymore. I am trying not to blame myself and my OCD for pushing conversations and asking questions, but what did he expect? That he’d just end our relationship, blindside me, and I’d walk away without any desire to understand why? If anyone has experienced heart break after a long term relationship, and if part of the reason for the break up was due to needing support with mental health, how did you not blame yourself? I know his inability to support me though a hard time reflects on him, not me. But I am still really struggling to be okay. I feel like if I hadn’t fallen into this period of anxiety and OCD, none of this would have happened. Please leave advice on how to move forward, how to survive no contact, and how to not blame myself and my mental health for the downfall of my relationship. Thank you

So I know it’s complicated but I have real event ocd that was caused by me remembering something I did in childhood I have intrusive thoughts about really everything pocd, harm, relationship I have intrusive thoughts and images, now im getting through the intrusive thoughts I just let them pass by because I know the feeling will go away eventually but when I have the images I freak out a lot more, that’s because I always had a very detailed imagination and I definitely blame that on maladaptive daydreaming and unhealthy amount in my life which in therapy I’m now realizing that I did that as a trauma coping mechanism, I didn’t live life I just daydreamed while listening to music for literally 8hours a day it effected me paying attention in school I already have ADHD, and having a hard time paying attention to anything because I ended up doing it all the time, before OCD it didn’t seem like a problem that was my escape, I’d daydream I was a pop star or a movie star while listening to music and it all felt real but now since I have ocd I have intrusive images if while I daydream so I stoped daydreaming, and the worst part is that they arnt even just “images” it’s me daydreaming causing harm or really messed up things iv seen in the past, I have no peace, when I spoke with my therapist she said if I started to daydream harmful things crumble them up in my head and throw them away which has been working, but I’m just concerned because people don’t really have that like I do with OCD and some people are like yeah you don’t daydream about these harmful things because that is you making it up in your head or if they daydream it actually helps them but it’s the opposite for me, I don’t know if I do this on purpose to check if I like these thoughts or even more punishment or a compulsion I just don’t know and it’s effected my sex life because I will daydream about my bf and then something taboo pops in my head and instead of Envisioning sexual thoughts with my partner I’m envisioning sexual things with the taboo stuff and it makes me feel like I am all of these awful things with the POCD and harm and people are like you just have to not pay attention and just be in the moment but I don’t know how to do that, most of my life iv been in my head that’s how I even get turned on in the first place fantasizing about my partner with no worries, now if I do I’m like am I attracted to children and my brain will check to see by popping up kids in my head and I’m very detailed innapropriate ways how am I ever going to get rid of this? How can I ever live a normal life? And even WANT to be sexual again if my brain keeps checking if I’m a pedo or want to harm animals and ect I know I’m not any of those things but my brain doesn’t believe it. I seriously don’t know what to do

im not diagnosed, but these past two days have been terrible. i constantly have this underlying feeling that i might do something that i think is gross and i feel like i can’t do anything on my own because otherwise i might do something wrong. like i feel like i constantly have to be in front of people so that i can make sure of my every action. this is so exhausting and I’m so confused. and like i keep getting terrible images and stuff replaying in my head. i also try to recall what happened but i feel like i have false event too. i used to have religious ocd and that eventually stopped completely, but now it feels like all my work getting over that was pointless. also like i feel like i might have contamination ocd but not the typical germ type. I just get terrible images and I can’t remember if those images are true or not even though they’re impossible and i feel terrible. I don’t know if i could ever get over this because even the thought of it is terrible.

Has anyone been prescribed Escitalopram for their OCD? And if so what was your experience like. I just got into my 2nd week of it and got bumped up to 20mg. Today has been weird because my anxiety is gone which has been for a bit but the thoughts seem stronger today especially the Harm related ones. Almost like commands now. Can anyone relate?

Does anyone else just feel “weird” most of the time? Like interacting with others and being all smiley and laughing while having this horrible thoughts in my head at the same time, it feels like I’m a fraud or some kind of master manipulator. Plus just feeling off - like still a feeling that things aren’t okay even if you don’t have the thoughts active in your mind. Just feel like they’re lurking in the background and will pounce at my moment. Also with my harm thoughts, I often question whether I want them or not. Like I’ll even think “yeah, I’m going to act on this” or “I want to do this,” and I don’t really feel anxiety anymore. Just more of an emptiness. Then I think I would like to act on them and I wouldn’t care if I did, even though my past self (I’m 32 now - was diagnosed with OCD at 15) has never done any sort of harm to another living being. I would describe myself as kind and empathetic. Still, feeling like my core self has changed in some way. And being around the people I love sometimes doesn’t bring me any joy, and instead just an empty feeling or annoyance - which just adds more fuel to the fire in regards to my thoughts. Plus there’s an overall sense of frustration too. Like do I feel frustration that I’m not acting on these thoughts, like I’m just holding myself back, or just frustration of all that is going on in my head. What keeps me from not acting on these things? I know it’s my personality and my values, but at times they feel so real that it feels inevitable that I will just snap and act out in a harmful way. Like I won’t get better unless I act on them and my mind saying “just do it, it will be freeing,” , which I know deep down isn’t true and would cause much bigger issues. It would destroy my life. I do know I hate feeling this way overall and want to go back to a time where I didn’t have to wonder about my identity and who I want to be as a person. Not feeling peace and happiness in my usual comfort place (my own home) or being around the people I love. Tired of the doubt and questioning. Thank you to all who read all of this and relates, even if just a little. It means a lot to know I’m not alone.

I remembered something I did a couple of months ago that has changed me completely from trusting myself it was a conversation I had with my cousin and something they said unrelated made me remember this happening, I went into a full blown identity crisis i couldn’t walk out of my room or get out of my bed for months paranoid and scared of everything I’m still scared and feel like I don’t even deserve to shower I’m working on it slowly each day but I knew I had to get a therapist and I was diagnosed with ocd because of this event I remembered, and I just don’t know what to do…. I read online that it doesn’t matter how little or bad the event is it’s still ocd regardless when diagnosed but I know I have a compulsion to see others real events and it is nothing compared to mine which I shouldn’t compare but it’s difficult because no matter what I have to come to terms that it’s undeniably bad legally and morally what I did and it’s just so confusing how it’s something I JUST learned about months ago I’m literally in my mid 20s, and I went years without even realizing how troubled my childhood was and yes my real event happened during that time but I was still a teen and old enough to know better but I didn’t understand the magnitude of what I did at the time still no excuse though, this is where I don’t know what To do because 1. I already know what I did was awful and there’s no excuse for it 2. I can’t apologize in my situation that I don’t feel comfortable sharing specifics yet3. Yes I know I changed so much obviously I’m a grown adult now I know what’s appropriate and what’s not that’s why I’m so troubled over this and I never did anything like that again, I’m literally in the happiest relationship and seeing a therapist to also help me understand all this trauma, this event involved my cousin but even they are cool with me and very close as well hasn’t said anything I don’t know if they remember or not but it’s not something I can talk about with them at least not yet (again just don’t want to go in to specifics) but this is why is so confusing and has caused me to have intrusive thoughts about everything EVERYTHING the what ifs what if they remember what if I go to jail what if they hate me what if I’m denying who I have been and I’m this horrible person this whole time without even realizing and everything is a lie my relationship my joy for things what if I’m a ped, what if I can’t love or care what if I’m a person who just harms others manipulates I even spiraled thinking I was going to physically harm someone… it’s very bizarre to me because before my OCD my biggest anxiety was just having to learn how to drive…I’m in my 20s just to mention that again😭 I have probably almost all intrusive ocd categories, These thoughts never existed in my head until I remembered my event it has completely traumatized me but do I even deserve to feel better do I deserve to get help if I did something unforgivable do I move on or don’t? Should I even be living life I just feel guilty even breathing stepping outside I know for a fact if people knew they would never trust me they would feel like I probably should go to jail but do I go on to what others feel or myself? I know I wouldn’t harm anyone regardless of what my ocd tells me I never did anything like that again and wouldn’t but if it’s something that even legally I could be punished for does all of that not matter? I’m sorry I’m just trying to figure out what the right thing to do is , I’m continuing therapy and getting the help but obviously my therapist cannot say if I should be punished legally but even my boyfriend said that if I turned myself in they wouldn’t even take me seriously because I don’t even remember everything fully it was so long ago, but from what I do remember it’s still bad enough mainly just of me being a teen, I don’t want to make that event my identity but I just am so freaked out I feel awful what if I caused trauma to another person and all these years I didn’t even know, this event only happened once that I remember, there were things that happened to me as a child that would explain why it happened but it’s still not an excuse, I did a compulsion and googled what would it be called or the charges for it and the words that popped up triggered me to my core as anyone would feel if they were as stupid as me those words I googled are what monsters are so it’s hard not to think of myself as that it’s hard to not make that my identity if that IS what happened, is living with this guilt my punishment?I don’t want to give up on life I want to love and care and just love life I know this is complicated and a lot not much I can do but I’m just so lost.

How do you guys deal with it? When it has to do with a self harm theme it’s so so confusing and debilitating. It’s like someone else is in the drivers seat of your brain and you’re going against what it wants but it’s painful to do so. It genuinely feels like I want to. Even though I didn’t want to at all before this one thought and I have no reason to. Then I always spiral wondering how and why and if it’s even ocd or if I need to go get help. So exhausting. These thoughts/ feelings and urges are coming in first person and it feels like I’m intentionally thinking them or they’re my genuine feelings.

hi, I'm currently 7 weeks into Setraline and 2 days into Pragiola. I have anxiety and OCD. First I had harm ocd, which turned into a fear of schizophrenia. I was most afraid of auditory hallucinations and not knowing what I was doing. I have been confirmed several times by a psychiatrist and a therapist that I do not have schizophrenia, yet I have the feeling that I am hearing strange things and am afraid that they are hallucinations. I started to hear worse, but at the same time certain sounds bother me more - car engine, car braking, children's cries and whispers. Sometimes it takes me a while to even recognize what sound I heard. Has anyone also had hearing problems? I had my ear checked today, I have some problem with my ear canal, but it shouldn't cause such changes. Psychiatrist says it's hypersensitivity from anxiety.

Im so scared to fall asleep I genuinely do not want to because the fact that there are confirmed cases of people murdering others in their SLEEP is enough proof that my fears are legitimate. What if i harm myself or my family. what if the next time my boyfriend sleeps over I hurt him. what if I am eating cough drops in my sleep and that's why they are in my bed when I fell asleep with them on my end table, and I choke on one and die. These fears are genuine like yeah ocd is probably amplified it but the proof that this happens is hard to ignore. if I could lock myself in a empty room every night with no way of hurting anyone I absolutely would at least I'd know me and everyone else is safe. how do I even begin to combat this fear again and not let this fear bother me anymore.

So i tried actual acceptance for a day and it was helpful, maybe it was easier for me cause i used it before but i got to the same point after the end of the day. It was the question "what i will achieve with this?" And i remember this was my problem back then too. Cause we want to change and with acceptance it seems like nothing actually changes, you just stop being afraid of things. And i realized this when i was thinking about what i want and that is to experience less negative thoughts and emotions but thats impossible, im a human and its normal that i have flaws. So then i was like everything will be the same, I will still have these thoughts and some will scare me, i just wont rumminate about it and make it worse. Same with emotions i wont learn to not have those emotional reactions, i just wont fight with it. So back to thoughts,it is normal to experience harm thoughts when youre angry, so after this anytime i will have anger and then thoughts like "i want to kms" or "i want to hurt that person he/she deserves punishment" i'll just go with "this is just a thought, its normal to have these". This bothers me. Its like i show my brain and myself i can have these thoughts so then i will have them all my life. And here is my question. If we accept everything as normal,.when its the time when you say "why do i jump to these thoughts everytime? What are my beliefs about this? Why do i jump to this everytime? I see this in myself, maybe i shouldnt judge after 1 day of acceptance. Something happened while i was practicing it, a feeling of depression hit me and then i had thoughts like "this is horrible, the water is bad, its so depressing, i feel bad too, things are sad" and i hear some sas "well you added that" no it was automatic, it came with the feeling. So i realized if i try to change i make it worse so i just accepted. I dont know if you seen videos about making self feeding fire. This was like that, the automatic thoughts made me depressed which generated more thoughts which made me more depressed. And im like there accepting all of this. The same happened this morning too when i realized im sad because im sad and im accepting it cause its normal to feel sad about being sad... cause i have self compassion or idk...So do i have a false imagination of what a recovered person would look like? Maybe i didnt thought about it well, i dont expect that i will never feel sadness or negative thoughts, but i think about these like different thoughts not like the same harm thoughts everytime i feel angry about someone or thoughts like the world is a horrible place, its so cruel and i feel depressed and after recovery my mind still will jump to these conclusions but now im just putting the "acceptance blanket" on it. I wont lie acceptance did help me but after time i realized it might mean that i need to accept that im vulnerable(which i hear many times) and that these things are here and will be here cause they are normal... but this view doesnt explain how change happens or what is change and development. I dont believe it means the only change you can do is to not fight with thoughts/emotions. How will you learn to be more rational when everytime you just accept that this is human, its normal, i dont have problem with that its normal that we have problems but do you stay there in the rest of your life or you become better? I appreciate those who read all this, thank you very much! :)

A good life, success, healing, beautiful things? ⚠️ Important: please don’t read if this is triggering. No one should think this way about themselves, of course you deserve it all. I struggle with real events and harm OCD. My worst fear is being a bad person, causing harm or doing the wrong thing. These thoughts haunt me all the time and cause me to essentially throw my life away. I don’t go out, pursue opportunities, etc. because what if I don’t deserve them? I think of the worst things I’ve ever done all the time. The things that I’m most ashamed of. Like a broken record that’s all I replay in my head. Doesn’t matter if it was 5 or 10 years ago. And I beat myself up for not doing better. And I just don’t know how to move past it. I’ve read a lot of quotes and books about self help and love and acceptance (e.g. once you know better, do better). But for me I feel like I have to hate myself forever. I won’t ever get a clean slate, there’s a permanent stain on my record. I just can’t forgive myself, whether other people know it or not, I can’t allow myself to move forward. It’s about integrity for me. Does anyone relate? How do you do it? I’m so sorry if you’re also struggling. I don’t wish this for anyone. Please keep fighting, you’re not alone. ❤️

Does anyone know how to deal with guilt for something you did as a kid that you feel is disgusting and worry that it could have hurt someone you loved.

It literally feels like I’m going insane and that all my worst OCD fears are going to come true. It feels like I’m losing control and that I will do something bad. This is so terrifying. It’s never been this scary. It makes me feel like there’s no way this is OCD. Idk what to do. I’m trying to power through but even writing this makes me feel like I am faking it. Omg. Please someone help me!

I have harm OCD ,my dogs died,my OCD try to use what happened,to convince me or making me afraid,that I could do something bad that put me in jail or hospital

It hurts I hurt a lot of people and the guilt is killing me like actually eating me alive and I can’t even get help my parents are kinda abusive and don’t want me going to therapy cause their afraid they or I will go to jail but I idk if I can go on When I started highschool at 14(currently 15 rn) I had a weird mentality that everything was sexual and that I could date anyone by just telling them I liked them and being honestly creepy. Idk what’s wrong with me I feel so weird like I don’t have crushes it’s just me wanting to have sx with people I find attractive and it’s so horrible. But before I realized how bad this was I hurt people I had 4 friends they all don’t talk to me anymore because I was so sexual with everything I made sexual jokes made everything sexual and just sexualized myself at every turn even when they told me to stop I wouldn’t listen. It’s sick. When I realized this was wrong it was too late. One of them stopped talking to me and doesn’t even want to look at me or wants me saying his name.and one of them says they don’t care but idk I think they do.and I was honestly in a horrible mental state and tried a few times and my other friend had enough of it and just stopped talking to me. I have a best friend who I met online she was so nice to me we used to date but we broke up. And we get close but I betrayed her trust when I sent her explicit butt pics to this 17yr old I wanted pics from and he said he wouldn’t mind me sending them (my best friend was 15) and I was begging this 17yr old for pictures when he declined a lot then the 17 yr old said he was manipulating me and how he was keeping me in a loop of mystery. My best friend found out about the picture thing and she was sick but forgave me cause she didn’t want me self harming IMFEEL sick because of that she put my feelings above hers when I was in the wrong and she said she doesn’t want to lose me as a friend but idk she said she forgives me cauee she knows I’m broken ig but that makes me feel worse. And I also begged this 16 yr old for pics when I was either 13/14 and I feel sick I begged for pics when he declined but my best friend says not to feel bad cause he was grooming her kinda but idk I wanan apologize to him. Lately I’ve been thinking of how I think I s@d someone from my school someone I one or my baby cousins or my little brother and it feels real like it happened and I feel like a pedo and a s*x offender and Ik no one can forgive me idk if I want to go on it feels like death is the only way to atone for what I did . When I told my 4th friend about why my other friends don’t talk to me anymore he didn’t respond I think that cemented how bad I really am how sick I am I’m no different than a child pred or sx offender. My parents don’t even like me they always remind me how I treat them bad or how I’m a bad person. I feel horrible. Maybe I should just be locked up

Started anafranil last week. Anxiety is better but thoughts are still 24/7. My harm ocd thoughts are strictly about my son who I live more than anything and I cry everything I think of a good thought with him. I feel shame and guilt over these thoughts. I keep doubting I have ocd and I'm just schizophrenic which scares me to no end. Any other parents going through this theme? Seeking reassurance but idc if it's a compulsion anymore

Hi, do someone know how to “let go” of intrusive thought? The intrusive thought feel so real that I’m terrified that I’m actually going to act on the thought and I’m so scared. This is so weird because sometimes when I have the thought im anxious and sometimes im not. But even if I’m not anxious im still terrified that I’m going to act on the thought someday. I’m having a lot of different thoughts 24/7 and I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. All my day it’s doing compulsion (physically and mentally) and im thinking about the thought all day and I feel like my head is spinning from all the thought , I don’t know what to do anymore. I started erp yesterday but I still feel strong urge to do compulsions. Can meds help with this? Like can it help being less obsessed over the thought? Cause I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like my life is ruined and I will never recover from this.

I don’t know what to do, I feel so lost and feel like I’m losing my mind… I don’t know what to do, I am still getting the terrible thoughts of “God is telling you to kill someone” and I’m literally mid panic attack, I keep trying to reason with logic because it even says in the 10 commandments “thou shall not murder.” So I don’t even know why I’m getting these thoughts… ugh… people say that intrusive thoughts trigger things you care about the most, which mine would be Jesus & the people around me, which is why I get the harm OCD about people I care about the most.. someone recently said that I could be schizophrenic and now I’m terribly worried that I could have that.. I am so terribly afraid of becoming “crazy” and doing horrible things… can someone please give me tips to help this, and or message me?

I’ve been feeling really really depressed the past few days due to health concerns. I’ve been really feeling down like not wanting to be here anymore and it’s scaring me. I was in the doctor’s office this morning and I got a scary thought that said maybe I should just k*ll someone in here instead of k*lling myself. Then the thoughts continued… this man walked past and I thought “hurt him” I obviously wouldn’t want to hurt anyone let alone a bug on the sidewalk, but the thoughts began to overtake me and I had a panic attack. It’s still bothering me and I’m still scared it’s real and that I’m going crazy. This happens to me a lot after I watch a documentary about someone who hurt someone else. I begin to think I am somehow going to go crazy like the person in the documentary and hurt someone. Although I don’t want to .. I would never ever want to hurt anyone.

I’ve been struggling a lot recently with intrusive thoughts that have really taken over my life. Lately, I’ve got so much thoughts that tells me people I care about, like my mom, won’t have a life after death because of me or my thoughts. It feels like my mind convinces me that these thoughts are true, and the fact that I can’t feel my usual anxiety makes it even scarier. I’m terrified that not feeling anxious means I actually want these things to happen, which I know deep down isn’t true. I’ve had constant anxiety for pretty long and now the last few days I haven’t been able to feel anything. I’m unable to feel any of the love or connection I normally do for my family and friends, and even my anxiety feels dulled. This is so unsettling because in the past, my anxiety acted as a reassurance that I didn’t want the horrible thoughts my OCD was throwing at me. Now, without that, I feel completely lost and afraid that I’ve lost myself. Has anyone else experienced this emotional numbness or a disconnect from your feelings? How do you cope when your OCD thoughts feel so real, but you can’t feel the anxiety that usually comes with them? I would really appreciate any advice or experiences you could share.