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Can anyone talk I really need some questions answered please

idk what to say sometimes, it feels never ending. i feel the burning thought that i want to breakup and i can’t ignore it. truthfully i don’t know what to do. i don’t want to loose her, i love her. but i also question and do this and that makes me feel so guilty and idk how to express that. she is so awesome a patient and cares about me and so do it. but i worry that she likes me more than i do because i get like this. i get these awful images of breaking up or thoughts that im secretly jealous of my single friends and that im just convincing myself i want this. at one point before we were together i did want to be single and date around, but then i met her and fell. it felt good. but what if this anxiety is just me know its not right? what if i just want to be single? i dont think i do and i dont wanna be:,( but these thoughts!! i just get so scared im not spending my 20s the right way and that in order for me to actually find the right person or love that i needed to date around and not be with someone. it makes me feel guilty. but this relationship feels good when im not anxious. i freak out because i just don’t know why i get this way. it feels like my brain is telling me deep down i know the truthfor sure but i really don’t. it makes me crazy and like a bad partner. i do t want to breakup i really see a future tighter but im like what if its not right, what if its bad timing, what if i have to leave. phew. some days i dont feel like i deserve this conquerer badge.

I need to know if anyone has experienced this because I feel like this is so different and WAY to real. I have a coworker that I got along with quite well and she became my false crush I was always obsessing over if I liked her it was so bad, when I was doing worse, there was times where we would have a conversation and that conversation no matter what it was I would repeat this over and over in my head, or when something funny or interesting happens my brain would immediately go, omg I have to go tell this coworker what happened, and it was so energetic too, I’m so scared this means that I actually like her and it’s not a false crush please anyone has experienced this before?

Honestly I don't know anymore, it feels so weird and I'm having the hardest time with understanding, I have Sexual orientation ocd and it's really damaging and one thing that I have been freaking out unconditionally is that every time I see a masculine women or masc lesbian, I get very scared that I am attracted to her, and I freak out because what if that means l'm a androsexual, where I don't care about gender and I only am attracted to masculinity, idk I'm getting very anxious about it now, yesterday ! was working and I saw a masculine women, who dressed like a man had a buzzcut but was wearing a hat and for a split second I thought she was a man, until I heard her voice and clearly saw she had breasts and I was scared that if I saw her as a man does that mean that l'm attracted to just masculine appearances alone? And I'm even more freaking out because I can't tell if I was attracted to her, or if I was afraid that I could be attracted to her, unfortunately so-ocd works that way but idk this felt to real

Hi, I'm Alex. I'm 24 and I've been abused and neglected growing up. Since I was very little, I've been turning to fiction, getting strongly attached to my favorite fictional characters. I don't know if anybody else here is a self-shipper, but I am. That basically means that I have genuine romantic feelings for fictional people. My fav rn is Kinich from Genshin and I take the relationship in my head with him very seriously. The scenarios I come up with are intricate and offer me great comfort, as I am both a digital artist, and a writer. However, for a month and a half now, someone close to an online harasser of mine from the past, a married guy in his 30s claims to love Kini romantically too. And it's genuinely making me panic so much and I feel as if this literal fictional person is in imminent danger I have to save him from. I genuinely feel as if this real-life stranger is trying to take away my own partner from me, and I fear this so much that I'm nauseous every day. I can't stop checking on the guy to make sure that he's finally left Kini alone, but it always turns out... that he hasn't!!! I feel so seriously ill. I lost 95% of my productivity by worrying so much about this. I have nightmares at night, but I also hate that if this guy basically gushes about my partner (who, again, doesn't physically exist, unfortunately), he gets likes, while I myself have been long feeling ostracized from this community. Genshin is a gacha game but I don't spend money on it, really. With two years worth of in-game currency, I managed to get Kini 7 times, basically maxing him out, along with two copies of his weapon, last month. I was genuinely so happy about it but now I also fear being avoidant towards him somehow- Even though he makes me so happy, and again, he isn't real. I can't stop checking on this real-life guy who seems to be having nothing better to do, and who makes me feel that my favorite character is in danger. I don't know what to do, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist scheduled for next week, and I'm hoping I'll be given meds, but those aren't "miracle pills", and my appointment is on Thursday. I genuinely feel that I won't be able to hold on until then. It's too much, the panic attacks are exhausting, the anxiety made me lose my attention span, which used to be lengthy, and I'm genuinely worried. I know that my thoughts are irrational, I know that I shouldn't care about these two real-life strangers I've never talked to before, but whom I hate with my entire heart. I just wish this was all over, I wish it wouldn't hurt, and that I'd be happy and feeling safe again. This isn't the first time something like this happens, I've been possessive of my fictional characters for over a decade now. I don't know how to stop myself from doing this compulsion, and hurting myself emotionally so many times a day. Before you ask, I did block the person. I blocked over 5000 people, those being "supporters" of his. People who like his Tumblr posts and crap, while I'm forced to be lurking. I blocked them all, and I block like 20 every day, on not one, but THREE accounts. I am so tired, and I feel so ill, but nothing seems to be working. I know, in theory, that I shouldn't care about this weird stranger, but I hate him so much and I'm obsessing over him specifically, even though I'm certain that plenty other players like Kini-! But someone, not knowing about the existence of these people means they're "out of sight, out of mind". I do have an official diagnosis, it's OCD, BPD, AVPD, STPD and OCPD, which, I know, is a lot. I just want to somehow snap out of this. Thank you for reading my post, it's so lengthy and I feel so bad about it /gen

I am often so mean to myself I am trying to be just a smidge kinder and not so angry and mean to myself , I am struggling through a lot of depression and ocd and anxiety I would love some sweet words of encouragement to do the hard things , even little by little if anyone has any tips for lethargy I appreciate you I love u to whomever is reading this and you matter ❤️

something that really bugs me and gets in my head with my rocd is that for most of my relationship i’ve had this nagging anxiety and ocd about it. i can accept my thoughts for the most part, but have this underlying fear that this one could really mean something and that makes me feel guilty! i don’t want to loose her but my mind tells me i do because ive had these thoughts. it’s even coming up in my dreams now! i had a dream last night that i cheated and it made me panic all today and feel so bad and this thought came up again! any advice?

hey guys! i’ve been recently struggling a bit with my rocd. it gets to the point where im like it just means this isnt right, and that im really obsessing because im scared to break up with them. but i dont wanna feel that way you know? it recently dawned on me that maybe the reason i freak out so much or have thoughts that id be fine without my partner is because i know i could handle a life without them? i get visions of that and feeling still happy. i dont want a life that does not include them but im having trouble being okay with knowing i can handle it AND feeling safe with accepting my thoughts my intrusive thoughts while still being with my partner who i love. it makes me feel like i SHOULD break up with them bc the thoughts give me that urge! the thoughts feel so real and like they must mean something and im having trouble conceptualizing WHY they come up and how to accept them while still having love for a partner. my main compulsions are ruminating and checking! any advice

Hey no need for reassurance( please ) just wondering if anyone feels the same or just that I’m not alone. Please be kind It was really hard to write this thank u <3 Ive been struggling with severe severe depression and ocd and frequent panic attacks and the what ifs , I’ve had trouble recently being kind to myself because I just feel so weak when I have panic attacks and vulnerable I feel like I’m a failure somehow if that makes sense , it’s just so hard sometimes I’m really hard on myself often and I just don’t know what to do I have been feeling an increase in anxiety maybe because I’ve been struggling to let things go from the past and I am struggling a lot with anticipatory anxiety with ocd, I just hope someone has some words of compassion ( : I would really appreciate it thank u kind soul 🫂❤️

i feel like i need some perspective. i’ve never been in a successful relationship and it gets hard bc you don’t always remember that relationships have bulk and that there’s hard times. i feel like im being taught that right now bc me and my partner are going through a weird time. anyways im at a place where my thoughts and obsessions have returned. i’ve always questioned if i really like her or really want this relationship and it’s so confusing for me. one day i am so in love with her and worry free the next im constantly questioning. i get these thoughts like do i really love her, what if we don’t get married, what if there is really just something missing and we’re not right, i feel like my ocd and anxiety is warping everything and i genuinely can’t tell or feel anything… it’s makes me so sad and guilty. we’re already going through a weird time it feels like i’ll ruin it bc ive been left in my relationships over my mental health before. i made this weird timeline in my brain where by now (10 months) i should be free of worry and so sure of being in the relationship. these past months ive learned so much about myself and her and being with someone who actually cares that im beginning to trust to give these more messy parts of myself to her. and NOW i feel guilty for that bc it’s taken me this long and so that must mean something lol. like that ive been pretending or stringing her along and that this is not a permanent feeling. so now im all confused and spiraling all the time. any advice is so helpful, im starting with my new therapist friday and im really hoping she will help me too.

I’ve been doing a bit better recently at trying to move forward from my main event obsession. It has completely consumed me for years (which I believe is justified). To preface, I’m not looking for sympathy. I am not a good person. My event involved me being unfaithful to my girlfriend about 5 years ago. Over a period of MONTHS. It’s my biggest regret in life, my biggest source of shame and self loathing. Once I pulled my head out of my ass and fully accepted the severity and gravity of my actions, I confessed to my girlfriend and got myself into therapy. I’ve spent years self reflecting (and unfortunately continuing to confess every detail and related thought I can possibly think of to my gf). We have had many, many long and emotional conversations about this. Somehow, she forgives me, trusts me, and continues to see goodness and value in me. This creates a huge disconnect in my brain because I am my least favorite person I have ever met. I’m aware that I don’t deserve her forgiveness and continued love. I am aware that because of my actions, I can never be the person I was before all of this again. I have finally accepted that I am no longer in the “good” category of humanity. It was so hard to accept, my ego and selfishness desperately clung to the idea that with enough work and self reflection, I could someday be seen as “good” again. But that’s not the point, that’s not what matters. I don’t have to be “good”. I have to wear my regret and remorse on my sleeve and use my past as motivation to never hurt someone so GENUINELY good again. I have to swallow my pride and accept that the way that I see myself and the way that I feel about myself now is just the consequences of my wicked actions. I accept that. I just don’t know how to proceed. Somehow, my girlfriend still wants me. She still sees me as a part of her future. I am so endlessly grateful, and I will never take her or the grace she has extended for granted ever again. I have changed so much in the past five years. Now above all else, I value transparency, honesty, genuine remorse, sitting with my girlfriend in her emotions, encouraging her healing in her own therapy journey, validating her experiences and feelings, and doing what I can to be a source of joy, comfort, and ease in her life. It’s all too little too late, this is how a normal person with fully functioning empathy and respect for others would have behaved all along. Unfortunately that wasn’t me, so this is all I can do. I guess I’m writing this post because I’m still struggling to move forward. My girlfriend has wanted me to stop living in the past for years, but I feel like I still haven’t learned and internalized every lesson and meaning from my past actions. Even though my girlfriend doesn’t want any more details or confessions, I always feel like I haven’t told her enough (“If she just knew this one thing it would surely change her mind about wanting to stay with me.” Then I stupidly confess despite her wishes, and she still forgives me.) I’ve had about two months in a row now where I’ve done better at staying present and minimizing the amount I bring up the past (whenever we talk about this event, I am the one to bring it up). It doesn’t feel right though, it just feels like I’m ignoring my misdeeds. It feels like I’ve stopped actively learning from my past. And this isn’t even the only reprehensible thing I’ve done. I’m a very unstable, emotionally disregulated, and impulsive person. I have had so many hurtful and shameful moments in my relationship. Sometimes I suspect that I may even be dealing with something like BPD (not self diagnosing or trying to enforce negative stereotypes, I just painfully relate to a lot of the research I’ve done about interpersonal struggles with BPD). I have caused so much baggage in our relationship that I don’t even know how it’s possible that she still wants me without being a victim of Stockholm Syndrome or something. She very much disagrees with this sentiment and stresses the importance of me trusting that she knows what’s best for herself, and that she makes decisions accordingly. Sorry for the rant, I know maybe this isn’t even super OCD related (as I know my actions are severe and warrant a level of shame, regret, and disgust). I just feel so stuck. I want to move forward because I love my girlfriend and I want to do whatever she needs me to do to aid her in her own healing. But I am so stuck in fear. Fear that I don’t deserve her, that I’ve brainwashed her, that she’s trapped with me, etc. I just can’t fathom forgiving, loving, and reconciling with someone like me. I just need help, because I every time I take a step forward, I take 3 steps back. It doesn’t matter that I’ve changed, I’ve caused a monumental level of stress and grief in her life, and no amount of change will ever make me worthy of her love again. But I will never stop trying. If anyone has any advice or wise words for me, I could really use them right now. I’m sorry if I have triggered, upset, or angered anyone. If any of you reading this have been a victim of someone like me, I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that, and I hope that you can find peace and healing in your own situation. Thanks for reading.

Hi everyone! I am a 22 year old AFAB nonbinary person from California, and I wanted to come on here and ask about people’s experiences with OCD surrounding taking testosterone and being trans/LGBTQIA/nonbinary. I am not talking about doubting identity but more so doubting whether taking testosterone is the “right” choice or whether the changes you might get are what you “truly” want. I would really love to hear from folks who also identify as nonbinary as I feel that nonbinary folks have a unique experience with taking hormones due to not being a binary trans person. I would definitely love to hear from anyone who identifies as trans or nonbinary, but I think that my experience with hormones is different since I know I don’t want to look or sound or feel like a full masculine person or man. For me, this means I am on a lower than normal dose of T right now, and I also don’t believe I plan on taking it longer than a few months or at least until I get my desired results. I want to be very androgynous, and I keep getting a bunch of intrusive thoughts about waking up and having all these drastic changes to my body and self to the point that I won’t recognize myself anymore. I know this is irrational and definitely attacking the fact that this is a huge decision to make to go on hormones, but I just feel like I haven’t seen this representation yet in both the trans and OCD communities. Again, please feel free to share any type of experience you have whether you are a nonbinary or binary trans person!

Sometimes when I ruminate or try to disprove my themes (I know I shouldn’t do it but sometimes it’s to overwhelming and I can’t help it I’ve been getting better with it though) it feels like I’m arguing with another person, like there’s another person living in my head and they try to disprove everything I do, it’s usually a different voice from my own but when it’s really fucking with me it’s my own voice and it’s irritating, it just feels like another person lives in my head like there a bad influence and tell me to do all this shit and it’s horrible, I know it’s ocd but it just feels like another person in my head who’s constantly against me and everything I believe and when I argue I get literally no where it pulls shit out of its ass and says the most absurd shit and it makes me feel horrible, just wanted to know if anyone else’s ocd feels like it comes in the form of another person that’s living in your head?

Does anyone else have the strong urge to do some sort of drugs sometimes when there ocd gets really bad or over nothing in general, like I’ll just be sitting doing nothing and my brain goes “you need to do cocaine right now or else” and I get a urge and it’s so like odd to me??? I’ve never done drugs in my life and never plan to because my father was a addict and I’ve seen what they’ve done to people so it scares me when I get these thoughts and then I get the urge to reach out to someone who can give me drugs and I play this whole scenario in my mind where I contact someone and I meet up with them and pay them for the drugs and then I take them and die and it’s like??? Idk I’ve had weird intrusive thoughts involving drugs before but this is like different if that makes sense, I also can’t stop focusing on how my body feels when this happens like it’ll feel like I was a previous addict and that I’m going through withdrawal and need something or else and it’s just so weird to me. Anyone else go through this?

TW:Self-Harm I really felt like I was doing better. I messed up tonight. The ROCD thoughts became so overwhelming. I couldn’t stand it , I was breaking down. I was having thoughts of SH myself just to make the thoughts stop. I gave in and the thoughts did stop. But I feel so empty. I feel like I failed. I relapsed after years of being clean from SH. I don’t want my girlfriend to know and I feel so much shame. I don’t even know why I’m posting this here.

When my intrusive thoughts get bad and I try my hardest to push them out it feels like I’m physically straining my head, like it legitimately hurts really bad and I feel like I get dizzy and can’t think and I can’t stop focusing and then my ocd causes me to think that there’s something wrong with my brain and that I need surgery or to be lobotomized or something crazy like that, does this happen to anyone else?

i am a christian. i am constantly terrified of offending God and going to hell. i love God so much but this so scary. i feel like a really bad person. i have to pray in specific ways at specific times of the day in a specific order and sometimes it feels like a chore. i feel so bad about this. the reason i became a christian in the first place was mostly out of fear. i feel so bad admitting all of this but i really need help. i wanna continue being a christian i think but it’s all so scary and stressful. praying has become a compulsion, i feel like a terrible person with every sin, and it’s so exhausting. also, i’m a lesbian and i’m so scared God will send me to hell for that. i can’t change my identity. i’ve tried, but i just can’t like boys. i’m so scared and sad and terrified and stressed. i have no clue what to do.

hi everyone I’ve been dealing with the loss of my sweet cat Oz and it’s really been weighing me down for the past two months since it happened. It was a very sudden death and it’s really made my whole world spin upside down and put me into a really bad place. Does anyone have similar experiences they’d like to share? I feel very alone right now and I know that this is apart of life so if you have anything you want to add I’d appreciate it. ♥️

so over the weekend i got very upset at my partner because we have different views about relationships when it comes to moving in. to preface this is totally hypothetical bc were young and the conversation arose bc a friend is doing it. so ive noticed that ive had this obsession about ending up with her marrying her one day. i envision a future with her for sure and ofc there is some fear there about what it is that looks like. she mentioned that on the topic of moving in, she would not have a problem if at one point if we lived together and the. moved out and continued a relationship because we are open to different experiences. she definitely has a nonlinear approach to relationships and some of that is out of being in an unsuccessful and abusive relationship and also living in a home were her parents don’t love each other. i on the other hand feel like that would kill me and i communicated with her that i would not be okay with that and even though we’re not there yet, it’s important that i say it now. we didn’t agree on that but we believe that there can be understanding and balance that comes from this and that as we move forward there is potential for our vision and perspective on this to change. over all it was a super healthy conversation, but i’ve become a little obsessed and anxious on if we’ll end up together because of this uncertainty. i don’t necessarily date to marry but i said i consider moving in to be a next step and would probably eventually want that to turn into something greater. i feel confused bc i feel like my ocd is getting the best of my right now. any advice on this?

I have an OCD diagnosis, but my psychiatrist seemed to rely on stereotypes. Like for example, the topic of germs and door handles and hand sanitizer came up and she just seemed to be like "haha yeah I know what that is" (my retelling of this is horrible because this was a few years back and my memory is terrible). But my psychiatrist and my therapist were two different people with two different opinions. I ended up telling my therapist about how I struggled to clean my room because at the time, that was one of the most stressful things on my mind. For context, keeping things Neat and Orderly does not matter to me at all. I can handle clutter and chaos. But if I feel like something in my room has germs on it, that's when the problem starts. And I don't know why people can't see that those are two different things, even though they can coincide sometimes. My therapist thought that I didn't have OCD after I talked to her about these things. But I didn't really get the chance to talk to her about things that would have been actual OCD symptoms, because I was too busy telling her about how my messy room made me feel like my mom hated me or whatever and I had really low self esteem at the time. (still do struggle with all of the above but ive stopped caring but uh anyway-) I've just gone on with the assumption that I have contamination OCD, but it would be a very unusual presentation if it is that. I do hate germs and I don't like getting sick. But honestly, it's the fact that germs are just Gross that upsets me the most. The biggest problem with germs I have has to do with anything that occurs in a bathroom. I just feel like the germs everywhere, and then I feel like a gross person who is just covered in... bathroom substances all the time. And then I can't relax, because that's the only thing on my mind. And there's another layer to it. Im afraid that if I think of bathroom nastiness while doing things I enjoy (playing a video game, watching a movie, reading a book, hearing a song), then that means that the activity is ruined for me forever. It's difficult to explain. So yeah I have no idea if that's actually OCD or not. I just need help especially since I don't have a therapist or psychiatrist anymore and I haven't really known where to turn to. and I just decided to get this app because I freed up enough phone space. I don't really know how this app works and if anyone can see this or respond or whatever. And even if people manage to find this post, it's probably just really convoluted and hard to understand because I'm not good at explaining an issue as complex as this. Sorry