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Can I tt smb please and please have a conversation with I need help badly...

I am completely and utterly consumed with guilt, regret, and self hatred. I know this probably isn't OCD related right now, but I really need to talk to a group of kind, supportive people. I've only ever received compassion here. My kitty passed away 2 1/2 weeks ago. He was with me for 16 1/2 years. I had him since he was only a few days old. He took care of me through every hard thing I've ever been through. My baby, my brother, my teacher, my everything. From ages 9-26. I'm feeling a lot of self hatred. I did so many things wrong throughout his life. But the worst thing I ever did is haunting me and making it difficult to grieve. When I was 19, I started smoking weed daily, multiple times a day. In my apartment. With him in the same room. I would always crack a window, but there was also a 6-or-so month period where I lived in a place where the windows couldn't be opened. And I smoked inside daily anyway. I continued on like this for about 5-6 years. Cracking the window a bit, but not even doing a good job at blowing the smoke out. I never blowed it in his face, I was always concious of trying to keep at least some small amount of distance from him. It probably made 0 difference, I was smoking inside mere feet from him. Smoking weed around pets was very normalized among the people I knew. I knew that it wasn't a good thing to do, but I didn't take it seriously because he seemed happy and healthy. Until about twoish years ago. Coughing fits started. He was xrayed and diagnosed with asthma. I made another stupid choice, and instead of quitting or at least moving my smoking outside, I got air purifiers for my apartment and started smoking in the bathroom exclusively with the door shut and the fan on. The air purifiers were always green (unless I accidentally left the door open which happened on occasion), and I couldn't smell weed in the rest of the apartment. If my girlfriend smoked inside, I would not be able to tell unless I went into the bathroom. There was barely any gap under the door. I thought I did a good job. I thought I was responsible. We also switched his litter to a dust free one. The coughing stopped. I thought this setup was good enough. Something he had done for years prior to this was very deep breathing when in REM sleep with forceful exhales. I always thought this was just a quirk of his because it only happened when he was in a deep sleep. I now know that this was probably a symptom of asthma, and he likely had it long before he had his first coughing fit. My girlfriend and I always thought it was just him having intense dreams. I'm disgusting. After his first coughing fit, he was supposed to get a preventative inhaler twice a day for the rest of his life. But like the fuckup I am, I fell off of doing it after his coughing flare subsided. He had two other instances of coughing in the last two or so years, but only a single cough at a time and not accompanied by any other symptoms he showed during his initial "flare". But he was still doing that deep, forceful breathing when in REM. Sometimes, for brief periods, he would also have a slightly elevated breathing rate (32-38), but I always for some reason chalked this up to post-surgery discomfort (it happened more frequently a few months after he had pacemaker surgery) or one of his other conditions. My dumbass didn't piece together that my continued bathroom smoking could still be irritating him. I still didn't see that sleep breathing as an asthma symptom because it stabilized when he woke up or went into a lighter sleep. The apartment never smelled like smoke, the purifiers were always lit green, and his coughing fits stopped. So I thought I had done a decent job. For those other very brief instances of coughing, my brain always went to one of his other many conditions. Like I said, he had pacemaker surgery earlier this year (3rd degree AV block causing 30-70 focal seizures a day), and one of the coughs happened shortly after that. He had on and off very mild pleural effusion after his surgery. He had mild HCM. He had pretty severe arthritis. He had IBD/small cell lymphoma. He had so many things that seemed so much more serious at the time than his asthma, and I fucked up by focusing on those conditions and letting his asthma diagnosis go unmanaged because I thought I "fixed" the problem by reducing irritants. I was so overwhelmed by all of his supplements and medications that I didn't give him the one that could have really made him more comfortable. Moreso, I could have just stopped. Smoking. In. My. Fucking. Apartment. His asthma wasn't the cause of his death. He was diagnosed with granular large cell lymphoma in his intestine. That IBD/small cell lymphoma diagnosis quickly spiraled into an aggressive cancer. I had to let my baby go two days after his diagnosis. One thing that haunts me is that the week he passed away, he had an asthma flare up, just like the first one. Not one of the weird little single coughs that I worried could be related to his heart. We took him to the ER because his breathing seemed more labored one night. They xrayed him and said asthma flare up. We resumed the preventative inhaler he should have been getting the entire time. The next day, he had the low asthma posturing and a coughing fit. The day after that, he had abdominal swelling and we went back to the ER. Suspected mass in his intestine. Internal medicine appointment only 3 days after that. Cancer. Two days later, he's gone. In my arms, in his bed, looking into my eyes in the most peaceful way it could have went. They gave him Prednisone at the last vet appointment as a palliative care drug. I think it helped the asthma flare up too. I hadn't smoked in the bathroom for two weeks prior to this flare up happening, but I still blame myself. Because even if smoke didn't cause that one, giving him the fucking inhaler daily could have stopped it. I know his asthma didn't kill him, but it caused him discomfort while he was going through something even worse. And I could have at least taken that pain away. And I didn't. Despite his conditions, he was a happy, loving, playful, feisty guy. He only started to show signs of deteriorating in his last 2 months, starting with him simply not wanting to play with his wand toys anymore. He was a fighter, and he went through so much. I worried myself sick about him every day. I have so many videos on my phone of me recording his weird sleep breathing (and any instance of elevated breathing) out of concern. I don't know why my brain said "Pleural effusion, heart problems, etc." instead of "HE HAS ASTHMA BECAUSE YOU SMOKED IN THE ROOM WITH HIM FOR 6 YEARS. GIVE HIM HIS INHALER YOU MONSTER." I don't know what to do. I miss him so much. He was my everything. I talk to him every day and tell him how sorry I am. I feel like I don't deserve to grieve because I fucked up so bad. How could I do that to him for 6 years? How could I change my smoking setup to another (albeit less harmful) indoor setup instead of just GOING OUTSIDE? I'm afraid he's happier without me. I'll never be able to fix it. I'll never be able to really apologize. I'll never have the chance to change for him or know if he forgives me. I would do anything to go back and beat the shit out of myself. I genuinely hate hate hate myself, and I don't know how I'm supposed to go on for another 50 years with the weight of my filth. Without my baby boy. I'm so lost. And I'm so so sorry baby.

I just need somebody to talk to please

TW: intimacy stuff So, I'm on some support discord servers and on one there's one person who's been very helpful and seems mature and good with helping. Today we talked about some of my issues and ended up talking about my intimacy and sexual issues because I was having relationship related scares. I told them how I'm super uncomfortable with porn because I don't like watching people and I've never been intimate and don't do too much exploration because that's just not something I enjoy. For me intimacy is all emotion based so just doing it to do it feels wrong, even when I stuff for myself at the end I just feel sad and disgusted. Basically he tried to help and give advice and told me to try watching different type of porn. I tried to explain I don't like looking at people but he insisted I should at least try. I said OK and left. This really triggered because it made me feel like I was indeed weird for not liking such things or not being wired like everyone else. Now all I can think does me not wanting to watch sex stuff and please myself or sleep with people make me weird? I'm now super upset and spiraling even tho they did genuinely tried to help me. I just feel pathetic and like a weirdo :< (Context I'm demisexual so I'm only interested in intimacy with someone I have an emotional connection, once I like someone I usually get so said more interested in intimacy but when I'm on my own I don't see much joy in it)

Tw: intimacy I’ve had bad ROCD, especially around intimacy and sex. It was actually manageable for a little while but now it’s gotten bad again. Sometimes when I’m half-asleep or not paying attention I get subconscious thoughts or little flashes of wanting/imagining intimacy. The second I snap back to reality I feel instantly disgusted and sick to my stomach. There’s kind of an opportunity to date someone right now but the whole idea terrifies me. I have literally zero experience (and I’m not that young), so people are always surprised and it makes me feel weird and alienated, like I can’t just be “normal” about it. On top of that my retroactive jealousy is awful. I can’t get over the other person’s history or body count, especially if anything was casual, because it goes against everything I actually want. Logically I don’t even care that much about sex or pleasure, but my brain is completely latched onto it. I can’t feel comfortable being touched by someone who’s touched other people that way. I hate the idea of being someone they just settle with. I hate the idea of them teaching me anything because all I can think about is how they learned it with someone else. Yet I want love so, so badly. I just want to feel safe and comfortable with someone while my mind is finally quiet instead of screaming “they’ve slept with other people, you’re not special, they won’t find it as special with you because you’re not the first.” It’s so frustrating and exhausting. I want a perfect relationship while knowing no one is perfect and has a past. :< Anyone else stuck in this exact mess? I could really use some hope. I know I keep posting this but I'm just feeling hopeless and scared. I know it'll get better but right now it's very bad.

I was at the gym and got really triggered by a lot of the hot guys there. I just felt bad; I feel bad about my body not being where I want it to be yet, I constantly compare myself. Being a gay male I often compare myself to others especially on social media. I want to be an OnlyFans star at some point and i really look up to and envy the lives and bodies of many people on social media. But i feel that my envy and desire to be perfect is what is holding me back; I get so defeated just thinking about the amount of work and time I have to put in to get where I want to be. I feel alone. It is so much easier to just sit under my cover and watch youtube or play video games. Even showering feels like too much sometimes. I go down rabbit holes on social media that I don't know how i feel about. Sometimes I start reading and considering right wing content, like Nick Fuentes or other propaganda. I also jack off to some questionable content (its legal, but causes me shame unfortunately) and sometimes doubt whether or not it is just a kink or means something more about my identity. I feel less extreme and socially justice focused these days and maybe that worries me? Maybe I have a fear of being cancelled? I don't know. Maybe it's cause some of my close friends are conservative or maybe it's that I look up to my parents a lot and they have different political beliefs than what I do (or did). I don't like feeling that rift with my family, and I don't think that having different opinions should cause a rift. I also question how much of my beliefs are from my OCD and fear mongering, and what do i truly believe? I feel I am supposed to think a certain way because I am gay, but that sentiment doesn't sit right with me. I just wish I didn't overthink everything all the time. Sorry if this post is TMI but I am a mess and i think talking in hypotheticals does not help others understand how my OCD is affecting me. I just want to focus on going to gym and taking care of myself day to day, but i seem to be getting triggered by SO MUCH lately. I feel like I cannot be myself because my brain constantly tells me I'm wrong or I can't think a certain way or do certain things. I'm a freaking mess!!!!

Hello, I want to know if I love or not, if it's habit or it's attachment or it's that I felt saved by her, who is the only person I talk to about my OCD, the thing is that Today we saw each other and I was indifferent to being with her and with a heaviness in my chest as if she forced me, but she told me at the end of the date, "everything will be fine, you don't want to be unfaithful, you want to break up to escape sometimes, you feel that you treat me badly, you blame yourself a lot" Then I became happy and calm, I felt that the relationship could move forward with that happiness, but it faded and now, well, he wanted to give me my POCD, he was activated by seeing a live where they hunt pedophiles, also when looking for ROCD, POCD video came out and a guy who in a comment said "I want my cousin but I don't do anything to her, he is about 9 years old" More or less the comment was like he was repressing himself and I worried about thinking that that could be me, the thing is that in the afternoon when I returned to my house, my POCD was activated because I was researching Stephen King's "IT", due to tiktok and a murky part of the book came out where children do adult things and at that moment I felt horrible, The thing is that when I felt bad about Pedophilia, I felt like I wanted to be with my girlfriend, but then I kind of felt that with my girlfriend I don't love her and I only use her to feel good or not fall into OCD, since she is the only person I talk to, I slept a little and I felt lonely, I woke up and I felt alone, I feel like I don't love her anymore or I feel a heaviness or a melancholy feeling in my chest, it's ROCD or I'm only with her because she makes me feel safe and in the end I don't love her???, Please write as many as you can, if something is not understood it is that I use a translator

Today I noticed that I have been making improvements in my harm and contamination subtypes. I started ERP a couple weeks ago and am in talks with my psych about meds I should be taking. I've noticed that since ERP, it's a lot easier for me to touch "contaminated" things and not feel incredibly disgusted. I can touch my trash can, dirty dishes with no gloves, touch items at the grocery store, and touch toilet handles without getting anxious. That's a huge step for me. Now, I will say it did get in the way yesterday of me going out to brunch because there have been measles cases reported around where I live. So, still work to be done but getting better. Today, I had a big breakthrough when I noticed that I hadn't even remembered to turn on my living room security camera until after I had left. I wasn't scared, I casually remembered and I knew I would see my cats sleeping and not something horrible. I also don't double check behind my husband anymore when he locks the door. I watch him lock the door, then walk away towards the car, trusting that it was done. I try really hard now not to do my usual mental compulsions and ask for reassurance. I feel like I have more trust in general towards at least the things and people in my home. I still have a long way to go but I'm making progress!

Quick explanation: I get stuck in mental checking and ruminatiom for hours, and it's to the point where I feel nonconcordant arousal to intrusive thoughts. It feels ridiculously real and I'm horrified. My brain has learned that normal, desirable thoughts get replaced with intrusive ones (causing anticipatory anxiety), and once those appear, it forces checking, which leads to arousal, which leads to rumination and feeling like "oh my god, I may want these taboo thoughts, what the hell" even if I know I've never been attracted to such things. It really feels like there's a real issue, it feels so disturbing, and I feel like I'm not the same person anymore. I feel like there's no way this is only OCD even though I rationally know it is. I also kinda feel like I may be reassurance-seeking, but how am I supposed to not do that if it feels as real as it does I don't expect reassurance, in fact don't give me any, I just want to know what's going on or why. I just want some sort of help, support, anything

I am just starting therapy (ERP soon) for my OCD. I keep learning new things about OCD and how it can present. I was diagnosed off-hand a long time ago but never believed in the diagnosis. I got a formal diagnosis through NOCD, and I’m choosing to jump in head first. However, I’m convinced my whole life is a lie. All of these thoughts and actions I thought were just part of who I am, are a lie. I don’t think I’ve ever known true freedom now. So much of my life has been doing things because I HAVE to. If I didn’t, I would be in distress or my life would fall apart. I’m trying to learn about OCD, but I can’t stop crying when I read a new article or watch a new video. I know it isn’t my fault. I had some health problems that literally required finding triggers and doing certain rituals so I could literally breathe. But it was so much more then and it is still so much more now. I’m super scared honestly. I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle it, but I know it is just that doubtful voice trying to keep me comfortable.

Hey y'all Just wanted to ask - I've been having sexual intrusive thoughts for many months now and I'm in recovery, luckily things have gotten way way more manageable but one issue still remains There are moments where you 100% don't want these thoughts to appear. And my brain has learned, through weeks of avoidance and checking, that every time I go and try engaging with anything sexual, I must wonder about every single thing that's happening. What do I mean by this? Example: You start experiencing legitimate arousal that aligns with your desires, identity etc. Immediately, your brain goes "Okay, but did you just have an intrusive thought just now or what? What if you did?" so you check, which only leads to the intrusive thought actually appearing. Sometimes I have this weird effect where I feel like I had an image or thought pop into my head but I can't tell whether it actually happened, even if I don't think it did. I'm so hyper-vigilant about my own thoughts that I basically find intrusive thoughts where there were none. It's really messed me up, because I feel like I can't actually enjoy things that I used to before, and I'm not even that anxious because of ERP which makes this even more confusing. It feels like the intrusive thoughts have become "normal" or "fine" which I know they haven't, but then, I still used to be able to engage with sexuality and enjoy it to some extent, even if I had intrusive thoughts. That ability has gone down over time, especially with ERP for some reason, and I don't know why. I'm scared that this means a genuine change in preferences or paraphilia, but like... I know it probably doesn't? Has anyone in recovery from Pure OCD / sexual OCD had anything similar happen? Thanks in advance.

So whenever I see something that could be possibly made by someone who's 13 I always check the age and if they are around 13, I get scared but if they're not (they're pretty much ALWAYS older than me) I'm ok and relaxed, I'm always afraid of being around kids online ngl idk, watching content with kids makes me uncomfy, especially little girls, maybe it has something to do with the fact I wanna be a girl (🏳️‍⚧️) but I'm afraid I'll always just be a creep and a man idk, any advice on how to work through this (undiagnosed btw so if this isn't in line with OCD, please let me know so that I can try to figure out what's ACTUALLY wrong)

s-ocd rant/vent I just wonder if any of yall relate to this, it's tough I literally just don't know. I'm pretty sure I was aroused by taboo thoughts, I don't even know if they were intrusive or not, and sure I know I have OCD but this is too far. Like, I don't know if I didn't enjoy the thoughts, and it feels like I may have. The arousal feels persistent and sometimes normal thoughts get caught in the mix leading to real attraction only to immediately become replaced with intrusive thoughts, forcing me to check and panic. I can't tell real attraction from fake, I don't feel as anxious or disturbed as I was due to ERP, and now there's this? Like what is going on? I'm completely confused and also really concerned because it feels like a real issue. Like I may actually have paraphilic disorder in general and not OCD. Have I acted on anything? No, but I'm horrified I might and basically end up cursing myself for the rest of my life, like I'm navigating a minefield. And I only really start worrying after these episodes happen / when I get the chance to do a compulsion? I've been struggling with S-OCD for so long that it feels like it must be something else now ESPECIALLY with these sorts of symptoms. I feel horrible with this, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, and I wanna do everything in my power to prevent this from NOT being OCD. I haven't been engaging with sexuality for so long (out of fear) that I can't even be certain of my likes/dislikes, and where even healthy situations and thoughts feel dangerous, like my mind is permanently tainted from all the bad thoughts that I've had. Sometimes I feel like the intrusive thoughts arouse me more than the thoughts that I genuinely desire and it's tragic - I guess the way it works is the thoughts I want were associated with anxiety of an intrusive thought appearing, and then once it does I start monitoring, ending up with me feeling something sometimes but again, why is all of this happening at all... no normal, rational, moral, safe person would go through this, at least in my eyes. And sure, I've had low / poor insight in OCD before (especially with harm OCD), and yes, I've been in paranoid delusion before but this is just too real. Like idk what other way to put it, it feels too real, and ignoring it feels like denial. And you don't wanna be in denial about being a pervert (in any way) hence all of these compulsions. But then there's the fact that I do have some interests considered odd, but the key is that they're consensual - what OCD (hopefully) is making me afraid of is things that are either morally questionable, don't align with my identity or are outright disturbing. It's so weird - I don't want to have paraphilic disorder / attraction to immoral things, but at the same time I feel the obligation to make sure I'm safe and moral. The worst thing I can imagine happening is not only me being attracted to something immoral, but then acting on it or worst, hurting someone because of it. It's so damn distressing and shameful. And best part? I've lost that distress over time via ERP which is supposed to help, but now it's led to this backdoor spike (and hopefully nothing else). If a magic ball could tell me whether it's OCD or something else, here's how I'd react: "You have OCD. You'll be fine" => best ending "You have paraphilic disorder. You need treatment for something else" => I'd break down, genuinely, like I would just lose myself, I am so horrified of finding this out yet at the same time the urge to figure out whether it's one or the other is crazy - but that assumes both could be the case, and obviously I want only one outcome to be true, so what's the point? You know, I feel like there must be thousands of posts like this on OCD forums. I feel like I'm kinda repeating myself like a broken record, not gonna lie. I've been here before, just with slightly different symptoms. I feel bad for everyone else here with Pure O, hopefully we can make it out of this, and hopefully I'm one of y'all and not some complete degenerate using "OCD" as a catch-all.

tw: abuse I feel like my early childhood experiences may have caused OCD. Most of them not really positive, involving one that was somewhat sexual but could be passed off as a brief accident (without going into detail), though even that I feel like has left a scar of some sort. I also endured neglect and unfortunately physical abuse for a really long time so I do sometimes get flashbacks of certain things and it's tragic what happened. This made me hide completely everything from my parents and not interact with them, instead being left completely alone to figure things out myself. It made me redirect to the online world where morbid curiosity led me to really disturbing stories and tales, all at an age where I wasn't really able to process it completely and instead resorted to saying "This wouldn't be me, 100%. This is disgusting.". Could this have caused my OCD? Maybe helped trigger it, not like it made it any better. I almost feel like I was watching those videos compulsively, to see whether I still react "how I'm supposed to". I was also raised in a very religious and strict household, where any deviation from the norm was considered "against God" which also is how OCD started - with me getting blasphemous thoughts and feeling like I'm going to hell over it. It's also caused a lot of internalized homophobia / transphobia where OCD told me that by being LGBTQ+ I'm immoral or that "God has left me to my own twisted desires" and that the next step is complete immorality. Hell, it even made me avoid the term "pan" and use "bi" instead because it told me "So you're open to relationships with all genders, sure, but what if you start ignoring everything altogether?", yikes. I even had transgender OCD, but the kind where you're afraid you'll suddenly become the other gender / are on your way to becoming the other gender AND that you'll be socially outcast for it. Interestingly enough, I've learned that it's nothing dangerous and I am in theory transgender - not the opposite sex assigned at birth, just outside the binary. And I can already hear OCD screaming "SO YOU'RE GONNA NORMALIZE SOMETHING BAD NEXT" - no, I won't. All the theme's I've had up until this point were characteristic of Pure OCD - always things that are seen by me as "unacceptable" or "wrong". Whether it's me having swears interjected into prayer, or worrying that I'll become trans and be outcast, or then worrying about harm ending up on sexual OCD, all revolve around me fearing that I'm not who I think I am and trying to desperately figure out whether that's the case. Anyone relate? Any advice you would have for me? I feel like this could be CPTSD / generally trauma but then I'm not qualified to say that it is with certainty. Just wanted to rant / vent.

Hi. So I've been restructuring my views on taboo,intrusive sexual thoughts for a while now and it's ended up with me being desensitized to them via ERP and CBT. The issue now is that.., I feel desensitized. I don't feel as much anxiety as I did, which I feel like is the only thing stopping me from acting on the thoughts besides my values. I don't feel as disturbed, I don't feel as distressed with groinal reponses, I don't feel as distressed experiencing unwanted arousal which makes this feel so insanely real. I've moved from focusing on thoughts to focusing on what's happening emotionally, all day, every day, trying to "catch myself" feeling something wrong and then wondering what that means about me, whether it does or doesn't, what to do etc. I also started engaging in this ritual where I bring up a wanted thought or image then go to the unwanted image and check for either a change in reaction or a new reaction appearing, or vice versa: automatically neutralizing a bad thought with a good thought, experiencing arousal as a result of the good thought, but then wondering if it wasn't because of the bad one all along. It's tremendously confusing and concerning - I sometimes experience this very odd feeling of chest tightness or warmth that feels like anxiety but also sexual for some reason, but it's definitely still anxiety. However what's more concerning is I feel much more comfortable with such a taboo topic than I did as a result of "not reacting" as I was told to do. Like ERP somehow normalized these thoughts and made me actually fine with them even though I really don't want that to be the case. Ideas?

with soocd, does anyone else experience feeling like sex with the gender you’re having the intrusive thoughts about would be more exciting/interesting than sex with the gender you were attracted to before soocd? Now I feel like I can never fall in love again and that sex would be “boring” I also feel like I have to try having sex with the other gender and that it’s urgent and something I absolutely have to do or else the thoughts will never go away :((

fyi: [x] - feared identity So I've had OCD for a while now and even though I'm on a different theme than I was, I find that I sometimes feel indifferent or numb to an act that is completely immoral, especially after desensitizaton and learning that there is nothing that I need to do about the thoughts. I even ask myself "What if one of my friends turned out to be [x]?" and instead of immediately saying "I'm completely cutting ties and never looking at them the same way again" I'm like "..that wouldn't be great, I'd stop talking to them but also encourage them to get help.". Pure OCD for some odd reason made me feel empathy for even the worst, most evil people - not that it excuses their actions, or makes them any less evil, but then it also took that and made me panic about it: "What if you're becoming antisocial?" "What if you're on your way to degeneration?" "Why do you not care as much as you used to?" "Are you corrupt?" "Are you [x]?" "Only [x] would feel empathy for [x]." "Are you justifying these actions?". I feel like it is concerning, it does feel like I'm ignoring something that goes against my values, or that I have lost all values and I'm just a bad person. Especially when I get arousal nonconcordance or GRs: "Maybe I'm just traumatized, maybe I'm okay" turns into "You're okay.. with what? With becoming aroused by these things at all? Have you lost your mind? What's next, you're gonna act on these thoughts and say "Oh I'm traumatized?"", and I don't know whether it's logical or not. When I started with sexual intrusive thoughts I immediately found them disturbing and horrifying, and now after ERP and just living with the disorder for so long I'm almost numb... it feels terrible. It feels like I'm justifying or have become legitimately okay with untolerable, horrible behavior, and I feel like that says something about who I am really. I feel like that makes me dangerously close to acting on the thoughts, or that the thoughts were an indication of some repressed desire all along, even when I know there's no evidence towards that... or is there? Pure OCD has convinced me I'm in denial about something horrible many times before, mainly by utilizing my reaction and moral stance around the intrusive thoughts. I still feel like "If I panic when I have these thoughts, that means I'm not [x] and I'm fine."; "If I'm disgusted by the idea of acting on these thoughts, then I'm fine"; "As long as I don't respond the wrong way to the thoughts, I'm fine".. so what happens when you're told not to react to the thoughts at all? Or on the other hand, not to try and analyze a reaction? Panic. Cognitive dissonance: "Something's wrong, I'm not reacting how I'm supposed to". At the end of the day, I really hope I'm not [x], I really do. I can't imagine not only living with the title of [x], but also with the insane levels of distress that title would cause because for all I know, I'm not really [x]. But I could be, like I don't know if I'm not, and even though I'd rather not be [x] I have to somehow accept uncertainty I guess. That's what I've been told to do - but I feel like it's backfiring. I feel like I'm either a) recovering and meta-obsessing, b) I'm still in poor insight OCD and I'm not actually [x] c) I'm [x] and in denial / having OCD about a real issue Speaking of insight, it tends to come and go but it's been poor for most of the time, even after I learned about OCD.

I am scared of kissing bugs and the Chagas Disease, I know it's been around but it was something that I personally didn't know. Now that I do it's like bed bugs all over again but way worse. I'm so scared I'm infected, or that I will, or the bugs get worse, or I kill one in accident and I then get infected. So many things that I'm just scared of

I know I keep coming back with this exact issue lol Idk why it happens. It only happens and stays consistent around my boyfriend of close to 2 years. I am happy. I love him. I enjoy being with him. So why am I nauseous? It happens when I get triggered like when I have a groinal response but when I’m just SITTING with my bf doing nothing- i feel this like. Almost wanting to throw up? But not really? Like I said- I love him, very much. He’s wonderful and kind. He looks at me with such care. And I look at him the same. I love to be next to him. Cuddling him. Telling him I love him Even typing this I feel nauseous, google said lovesickness but idk. I feel like this nausea started after I got on birth control last October? I seem to be having issues with it I think(I’ve been having 3 week long periods since April. Not consistently. But it’s like my 3rd period now and I passed a massive clot so I’m seeing a doctor😃😃) things are. Odd. I’m worried all of this means I’m gay or don’t love him and should leave him wtf etc. We have been discussing marriage so maybe that’s where it’s coming from? And also we’ve been sneaking around for the last 2 years and his parents are getting less and less happy about it (very traditional Muslim family). We’re serious it’s not just a fling I can assure you. We talked about marriage like 4 months in, kinda when my ocd started actually, and it helped relax me and remind me hey things are going well. He’s great. You guys align and can talk about anything. It’s smthn I dreamed about honestly. He makes me laugh. I make him laugh (not as often, I’m not that funny). Idk. Maybe I’m worried I don’t deserve it or it’s all gonna implode Also this frog in my throat seems to make me hungry? But also I can’t eat when I have it. It’s hard to swallow food. That’s always happened so it is an anxiety response ig but. Why? When he’s with me and we try to eat food most of my hunger goes away after a few bites. I can usually eat quite a bit depending on the day. Idk. I’m tired. I don’t feel like myself anymore Advice or related stories would be great🫶🫶🥹🥹

hi everyone just wanted to share what i’ve been going through lately. i’m a 24f and im a masc lesbian. i’ve been lesbian for as long as i can remember. i’ve had crushes on girls since i was very young, my first kiss was even with a girl in pre school. growing up i was told it was wrong and didn’t even know what the lgbt community was or anything like that and as an adolescent i wanted to fit in with all the other girls and have a boyfriend or like a boy but it felt forced and unnatural. middle school was when i really discovered my sexuality. i had a crush on a girl and it felt so real and different. from then on i knew i was lesbian. since then ive been very comfortable in my sexuality and i should mention that i can admit when a man is attractive and have always been secure in that there was no other meaning behind it, that’s how secure i was. as of late ive had small triggers that made me question if i secretly liked men but id shut it down quick. i often get gender envy and if i were to find a man attractive it’d be because i wish i could look like them but then the fixation started where my brain started asking if this meant i liked them and it completely derailed me. ive also seen so many tiktoks of lesbians who are suddenly straight which added to my fear. it got really bad this last month where i started going on chat gpt for reassurance. my mind started imaging scenarios with men and asking if i was aroused or if i would enjoy doing things with men. it got so bad i would dread going to the gym. these last couple days have been okay ive been letting the thoughts pass but now that ive been more passive my brain tells me that it must be true that i actually like men because now my brain doesn’t feel anxious. i’m ts a continuous loop does anyone have any advice ?