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Hey guys. Am struggling so bad with harm ocd does anyone have any tips🫶🏻

Persistent intrusive thoughts that my child could have been switched at the hospital. I don't know where it started, this thought suddenly came into my head, in detail: how they come to my house, tell me this, take my child away and give me another one. My heart starts racing. I sometimes can't even look at my daughter without crying, and she becomes a strong trigger. She's my copy, looks very much like me, and all the tags from the birth had my name on them, everything is correct, but I get very stressed, obsess, and worry. I've been suffering from OCD for a long time. This thought is one of the worst in my life. Right now, I don't have the means to go to a good psychotherapist, and I don't know how to cope. Before, I visited different ones; it would get better for a while, but then the thoughts could come back. I don't want to take antidepressants because I am 20 weeks pregnant. How can I calm and convince my brain?

My boyfriend used to be friends with this girl before he met me. He told me they were friends for about two months, and they sat next to each other in a class they shared. They had each other’s numbers, but she never had social media. I’d see them walking around together sometimes but never cared because I didn’t even know who he was or anything. I did know who she was, though, because she was friends with my best friend and she was briefly in my Spanish class. I was very jealous of her because she was so naturally pretty. Anyway, my boyfriend had liked me for a while until he finally approached me and we started talking. He stopped being friends with her because she “played with his feelings” and confused him. I guess she made it seem like she liked him or something, but then he heard from one of his friends that she was a lesbian, idk. He said he never saw her in that way to begin with and that he just wanted friends because he was new. He told me they never hung out outside of school. He said they planned to go eat somewhere by our school one time but never did. He also said she would ghost him. Anyway, I never questioned her or anything like that for the first year of our relationship. I never felt insecure either, and I fully believed I was the only girl in the world to my boyfriend. He told me he had been cheated on in the past, and someone very close to him had been cheated on as well, so I never believed he could do that to me. I also know his mom would be very upset—he was raised around mostly women in a Hispanic household. Some months ago, he sent me a screenshot of something on Instagram, and her account was in his suggestions, even though they had no mutuals. She had just created a social media account, which, as I said, she never had before. That’s the day I started overthinking. I stalked her a lot, and I was so incredibly jealous—still am. I want to be her so badly. I began questioning my boyfriend about her. I’d ask him about their relationship and whether he liked her or found her attractive, and I’d do it all the time. He always said he’d never liked her and that he found her very ugly. Some things he said were that she always had eye boogers, was performative, anorexic, and ugly. I already told him the anorexic comment was weird, and that was a while ago. I think he thought that if he overly insulted her, it would make me stop being stubborn and believe him, but that wasn’t the case. Anyway, a mutual friend my boyfriend and I used to have said he would give her snacks sometimes and would black out all the nutritional information since she had an ED. She also said he made a pros and cons list about her and that he liked the idea of her. This mutual friend lies a lot, though, apparently, but my boyfriend said the snack thing was true. He also had another girl friend who I know posts Gracie sometimes, which makes me insecure because he sees her on that friend’s stories. Her name is Gracie, so I’ll call her that to avoid confusion. He went to a friend’s birthday party about three months ago. This is the same friend who posts Gracie sometimes, so I knew Gracie would be there. I didn’t feel comfortable with my boyfriend going and being around her because I was so insecure. I told him to ask the girl friend if Gracie was going to be there. At first, he made it sound like he texted her to ask and that she hadn’t responded yet. Then the next day, he said he had called her in the morning to ask, but she hung up and said she was busy. He then called in the afternoon but didn’t get an answer. The morning call wasn’t even in his call log, though. I feel like he knew Gracie would be there and didn’t want to ask, or maybe he did ask but didn’t tell me because he wanted to go to the party and knew I wouldn’t let him if she were there. He ended up going to a different girl’s house than the one whose birthday it was (the girl he had called to ask if Gracie was going). The girl whose house he went to is named Nicole, who’s best friends with Gracie, and he knew that. Nicole was hosting the birthday party for the girl friend. He told me he had no clue it was going to be at Nicole’s house. He said he saw Gracie briefly, but that she was in Nicole’s room all night. I saw some pictures where she was out in the living room. There was even one picture of her lying down with the girl whose birthday it was (my boyfriend’s friend), and my boyfriend’s jacket was hanging on a chair right next to her. He said he had just left it in the living room. He never took pictures showing all of his surroundings, but maybe he didn’t want people to see he was taking pictures, idk. I’m scared he actually was around her, though, but he swore he wasn’t. Anyway, I kept stalking her Instagram after that. Last week, she posted pictures of herself to “Beetles” by Aphex Twin. I saw that same song on my boyfriend’s Airbuds seven hours later. He had never listened to that song before, so it was weird that the same day she posted herself to it, he happened to listen to it. He said he saw it in an edit on TikTok. He went through his watch history but couldn’t find the video, so then he said it might’ve been on YouTube or Instagram, but he couldn’t remember. That song isn’t popular at all, though, and only has around 100 videos on TikTok and Instagram. I couldn’t even find a video with that song on YouTube. He told me it was an original sound, so it wouldn’t be under the sound on Instagram or TikTok. Idk, it’s just so weird to me. He also switched between calling her Grace and Gracie. He told me “Grace” was just a typo until he said “Grace” on a call and I questioned him. Then he said Grace is her real name and that he doesn’t call her that on purpose. I also asked him one time if she has lip filler because she has amazing lips and I was jealous. He said, “No, she just pouts a lot.” I asked how he knew that, and he said that’s what he remembered from two years ago (the last time they were friends). I also found her Spotify and stalked it, which I know I shouldn’t have, but they both listen to some not-so-popular artists. She had a lot of Steely Dan songs on her playlists, and she also had the Twin Peaks theme song and a whole Twin Peaks playlist. My boyfriend had a Steely Dan song on one of his playlists along with the Twin Peaks theme song. I’ve felt so sick for the past few days because of their similarities in music. A lot of this stuff is just what-ifs or theories. I think the only thing that is actually fishy is the whole “Beetles” thing. My boyfriend has offered to give me all of his socials, and he’s sent me some of his messages, but he could obviously just delete things. I always decline the socials because that feels toxic to me. He always tells me he would never cheat on me because he knows how horrible it is and that he could never do that to me. He also always says he doesn’t have a car, doesn’t have a job, and is always at home, so how would he cheat—which is weird to me, idk. We’re long distance, by the way. We were in person for about six months and then long distance. I’m 19 and he is 20, and he’s planning on moving here next month. I don’t know what to do, but I feel so sick. He also won’t give me reassurance anymore. He said he’s been doing research on ROCD and that reassurance is bad. He never cared before, so I thought it was weird that he cares now, but he said it’s because every time he gives reassurance, it’s not enough for me. He also started following and listening to a new artist maybe a week ago, and he added one of her songs to his playlist. Gracie just made a playlist yesterday and added the same song. The singer isn’t very popular—her name is Cece Natalie—and the song has 1,020,106 listens and around 800 uses on TikTok, so it’s not popular. He cried to me a few weeks ago saying he’s so tired of me bringing her up and being insecure over her because she’s so irrelevant and he doesn’t understand why I am like this. He sounded just really exhausted and sincere so I think this is all in my head but it’s so hard to tell sometimes.

My boyfriend used to be friends with this girl before he met me. He told me they were friends for about two months, and they sat next to each other in a class they shared. They had each other’s numbers, but she never had social media. I’d see them walking around together sometimes but never cared because I didn’t even know who he was or anything. I did know who she was, though, because she was friends with my best friend and she was briefly in my Spanish class. I was very jealous of her because she was so naturally pretty. Anyway, my boyfriend had liked me for a while until he finally approached me and we started talking. He stopped being friends with her because she “played with his feelings” and confused him. I guess she made it seem like she liked him or something, but then he heard from one of his friends that she was a lesbian, idk. He said he never saw her in that way to begin with and that he just wanted friends because he was new. He told me they never hung out outside of school. He said they planned to go eat somewhere by our school one time but never did. He also said she would ghost him. Anyway, I never questioned her or anything like that for the first year of our relationship. I never felt insecure either, and I fully believed I was the only girl in the world to my boyfriend. He told me he had been cheated on in the past, and someone very close to him had been cheated on as well, so I never believed he could do that to me. I also know his mom would be very upset—he was raised around mostly women in a Hispanic household. Some months ago, he sent me a screenshot of something on Instagram, and her account was in his suggestions, even though they had no mutuals. She had just created a social media account, which, as I said, she never had before. That’s the day I started overthinking. I stalked her a lot, and I was so incredibly jealous—still am. I want to be her so badly. I began questioning my boyfriend about her. I’d ask him about their relationship and whether he liked her or found her attractive, and I’d do it all the time. He always said he’d never liked her and that he found her very ugly. Some things he said were that she always had eye boogers, was performative, anorexic, and ugly. I already told him the anorexic comment was weird, and that was a while ago. I think he thought that if he overly insulted her, it would make me stop being stubborn and believe him, but that wasn’t the case. Anyway, a mutual friend my boyfriend and I used to have said he would give her snacks sometimes and would black out all the nutritional information since she had an ED. She also said he made a pros and cons list about her and that he liked the idea of her. This mutual friend lies a lot, though, apparently, but my boyfriend said the snack thing was true. He also had another girl friend who I know posts Gracie sometimes, which makes me insecure because he sees her on that friend’s stories. Her name is Gracie, so I’ll call her that to avoid confusion. He went to a friend’s birthday party about three months ago. This is the same friend who posts Gracie sometimes, so I knew Gracie would be there. I didn’t feel comfortable with my boyfriend going and being around her because I was so insecure. I told him to ask the girl friend if Gracie was going to be there. At first, he made it sound like he texted her to ask and that she hadn’t responded yet. Then the next day, he said he had called her in the morning to ask, but she hung up and said she was busy. He then called in the afternoon but didn’t get an answer. The morning call wasn’t even in his call log, though. I feel like he knew Gracie would be there and didn’t want to ask, or maybe he did ask but didn’t tell me because he wanted to go to the party and knew I wouldn’t let him if she were there. He ended up going to a different girl’s house than the one whose birthday it was (the girl he had called to ask if Gracie was going). The girl whose house he went to is named Nicole, who’s best friends with Gracie, and he knew that. Nicole was hosting the birthday party for the girl friend. He told me he had no clue it was going to be at Nicole’s house. He said he saw Gracie briefly, but that she was in Nicole’s room all night. I saw some pictures where she was out in the living room. There was even one picture of her lying down with the girl whose birthday it was (my boyfriend’s friend), and my boyfriend’s jacket was hanging on a chair right next to her. He said he had just left it in the living room. He never took pictures showing all of his surroundings, but maybe he didn’t want people to see he was taking pictures, idk. I’m scared he actually was around her, though, but he swore he wasn’t. Anyway, I kept stalking her Instagram after that. Last week, she posted pictures of herself to “Beetles” by Aphex Twin. I saw that same song on my boyfriend’s Airbuds seven hours later. He had never listened to that song before, so it was weird that the same day she posted herself to it, he happened to listen to it. He said he saw it in an edit on TikTok. He went through his watch history but couldn’t find the video, so then he said it might’ve been on YouTube or Instagram, but he couldn’t remember. That song isn’t popular at all, though, and only has around 100 videos on TikTok and Instagram. I couldn’t even find a video with that song on YouTube. He told me it was an original sound, so it wouldn’t be under the sound on Instagram or TikTok. Idk, it’s just so weird to me. He also switched between calling her Grace and Gracie. He told me “Grace” was just a typo until he said “Grace” on a call and I questioned him. Then he said Grace is her real name and that he doesn’t call her that on purpose. I also asked him one time if she has lip filler because she has amazing lips and I was jealous. He said, “No, she just pouts a lot.” I asked how he knew that, and he said that’s what he remembered from two years ago (the last time they were friends). I also found her Spotify and stalked it, which I know I shouldn’t have, but they both listen to some not-so-popular artists. She had a lot of Steely Dan songs on her playlists, and she also had the Twin Peaks theme song and a whole Twin Peaks playlist. My boyfriend had a Steely Dan song on one of his playlists along with the Twin Peaks theme song. I’ve felt so sick for the past few days because of their similarities in music. A lot of this stuff is just what-ifs or theories. I think the only thing that is actually fishy is the whole “Beetles” thing. My boyfriend has offered to give me all of his socials, and he’s sent me some of his messages, but he could obviously just delete things. I always decline the socials because that feels toxic to me. He always tells me he would never cheat on me because he knows how horrible it is and that he could never do that to me. He also always says he doesn’t have a car, doesn’t have a job, and is always at home, so how would he cheat—which is weird to me, idk. We’re long distance, by the way. We were in person for about six months and then long distance. I’m 19 and he is 20, and he’s planning on moving here next month. I don’t know what to do, but I feel so sick. He also won’t give me reassurance anymore. He said he’s been doing research on ROCD and that reassurance is bad. He never cared before, so I thought it was weird that he cares now, but he said it’s because every time he gives reassurance, it’s not enough for me. He also started following and listening to a new artist maybe a week ago, and he added one of her songs to his playlist. Gracie just made a playlist yesterday and added the same song. The singer isn’t very popular—her name is Cece Natalie—and the song has 1,020,106 listens and around 800 uses on TikTok, so it’s not popular. He cried to me a few weeks ago saying he’s so tired of me bringing her up and being insecure over her because she’s so irrelevant and he doesn’t understand why I am like this. He sounded just really exhausted and sincere so I think this is all in my head but it’s so hard to tell sometimes.

I remember when I had no mental illness. In fact, no one would know I have one now unless I tell them. I remember the years when everything was “normal” and I want to go back so badly. Will I ever be normal again? I don’t think so. I see others who appear normal and feel sad.

Hi, I was just diagnosed with pure OCD and struggle with health, moral scrupulosity, somatic. I don’t have any compulsions, just obsessions and ruminating. I also have bipolar 2, ADHD, PTSD, depression and anxiety, which has been mostly managed with my medications Effexor, Lamictal and Abilify. I read that some of my meds (Lamictal and abilify) can worsen OCD in some bipolar people. I talk to my doctor on Tuesday about this, I’m wondering if anyone else has bipolar and OCD? How do you treat it? I can’t change my Effexor because it controls my fibromyalgia pain. And the Abilify is really helping my depression… but I don’t know what to do.

18++++ please NO MINORS I’m in this POCD group, and I feel like the real p in the group. Everyone has POCD, and I feel like I’m definitely tricking my ERP therapist as well because she’s like “you’re still not convincing me you’re a p,” even though I think the taboo thoughts. I think them, and sometimes it feels good to think them. Nobody talks about it. :(

I will soon give therapy another go and I know ERP will be hell when it comes to my Magical Thinking OCD, but I can't imagine EVER going full on ERP, when it comes to POCD. How am I supposed to hug the daughter of a friend - it's common in the friend group to hug each other and as everyone also hugs the girl, when she's out and about with us, it would be weird for me to not also hug her -, when I have a groinal response, or I feel a weird urge? I do hug her quickly and keep a lot of space between us combined with doing compulsions while hugging her to keep myself from totally losing it and freaking out, but knowing how ERP works, I am sure my therapist will ask me to hug her normally, but I can't. It's just not right AND I know I will spiral after hugging her normally. Also, I haven't told my therapist about me suffering from POCD, I said that I suffer from Harm OCD that focuses on children. I lied, because I unfortunately had encountered therapist and psychiatrists who know very little about OCD, which caused them to make comments about my POCD intrusions that sent me spiraling. Moreover, that therapist only offers group therapy - I tried to find a therapist for years, but I wasn't even put on a waiting list, as their lists had already been full, so I don't have much of a choice - and I honestly am not willing to talk about POCD in general and my POCD intrusions in particular with people who might have no idea about OCD apart from the theme(s) they suffer from. Also, I live in a small village and the possibility to bump into someone from my therapy group in a supermarket would be really likely and me knowing that they know about all of my OCD themes would freak me out. Does anyone who suffers from POCD in combination with False Memory and Real Event OCD have positive experience with in vivo ERP?

Pure OCD: Hello members of the NOCD community! I feel I have pure ocd because I used get these thoughts of the devil, and images in my mind of it, I used to have to go out to wash my face with light. I fear I have pure OCd and want to know if I do. Perfectionism OCD: When I was a child I used to have to check my room to see if everything is the same, and having to check if the lights were turned on. A lot of repetitive thing. Yes, many of you aren’t therapist, but some of you do have OCD, so please let me know if these are possible signs of OCD.

For the past 3 years of my life I’ve been having phases of me obsessing over my breathing. At first I thought I had a lung problem or some type of health issue, I always knew I had OCD but I didn’t know it could spread to my physical body instead of my brain. I would feel short of breath, almost like I can’t get a good amount of air in. I’d constantly think about my breathing night and day all the time. I’ve done every test, I’ve always been told I’m fine which feels worse when you’re drowning. I’d take prednisone and think it was fixing my breathing and it would go away then I’d find something else to obsess over and basically my brain would get tired of my obsession and it would come back to obsessing over my breathing again. I’m starting to realize it’s my OCD. I’m on Medicare and it’s hard to find a therapist who specializes in OCD. Does anyone feel like this? And what can I do to fix it? I want to live again and not just survive. ❤️

Hi, I’m just wondering if anyone has experienced this and has any advice for me. Since I’ve been having a flare up, I wake up very early (around 4:30-5am) with a racing heart, sweats, shakes, severe anxiety, basically I feel like I am in fight or flight. I am so tired, I have tried meditation, but I end up laying in bed playing multiple meditations until it’s time to get out of bed. I just want to be able to sleep the night, and not wake up in a full blown panic.

Sorry if this is long. I really need advice. I can't stop ruminating over someone my sister and I cut out of our lives several months ago. I don't think she was a bad person, but... I don't know. I'm so conflicted over everything. I can't stop thinking about whether I was right to end it, whether I ended it correctly or not, whether I'm a bad person because of it, etc, etc... I didn't want to be friends. I didn't want to keep in contact. I suck with boundaries, which is one of the reasons we were probably even friends for so long. That sounds horrible to say, but I think it's true... It got to a point where my sister didn't even enjoy talking to this person. They were always passive-aggressive towards us, but if we called them out on it, they'd deny it and say we were just reading it wrong. Or they'd just avoid having a conversation about it, insult us, and call us dramatic if we expressed hurt over their comments. I decided one night after talking with my mom about everything that I didn't want to have anything to do with this person anymore. I have so many bad memories connected to them. I didn't appreciate them mistreating my sister, either. The next day, I wrote out a message. I didn't go into a bunch of details or list every single reason why. I kept it brief, initially. She was hurt, which I expected. I felt so much guilt. But then she wrote five pages in reply, gaslighting and insulting us. She misconstrued everything we said, and I tried to re-explain, but it just led to worsening the situation. After it was over, I felt so much relief. My sister and I cried a lot, though. I feel like it was okay for us not to want to talk to this person anymore, but months later, I still feel so guilty. It's gotten to a point where I get thoughts like, "What if I'm manipulative somehow?" Because there were so many points throughout us knowing each other where I just didn't want to. I know I cared about this person, but I can't think of them now without feeling guilt and nauseating anxiety. I'm trying to remind myself that while not every single moment was bad, my decision to cut them out of my life was still valid. But I get a lot of thoughts telling me I made the wrong decision, or I should've ended it differently, that I should have talked it out somehow, etc, etc... I'm so tired of these thoughts. I just want to be happy :( Everyone in my life has told my sister and I that it was the correct decision, so why can't I just move past it? I'm scared I'll never stop feeling guilty about this.

Well this vent turned into a long story… so buckle up if you’re interested. Group projects have always been a struggle… frustrated by the quality of work turned in by others that negatively affects my grade. I used to pair up with kids who didn’t care & just do the whole thing myself. In college, I thought it might be different. I had a group in my undergrad who was so rude to me, but I showed up and did my best anyway. My part of the presentation (that I made completely on my own) got the full # of points. At the end, we all gave each other a score from 1-5. I gave them all 5s even though I didn’t think they deserved it, and I got a score that was 4-6 points lower than 100%. So, someone or several people rated me poorly. Our professor bought us beer at the school brewery to celebrate finishing our capstone, and I ordered a large. Everyone else got small drinks, but I didn’t know until I sat down. I got attitude from them about ordering a large drink. This memory has haunted me for a long time. The scores my group gave me knocked my GPA down to a 3.0, which is the cutoff for graduate school. I’ve questioned if I deserved that. Was I a worse group member than I realized? Was I selfish and rude for ordering a large drink? Was it too expensive? Why was my GPA dropped that much? Was it karma? Would I still be accepted into a grad program? I was healing from a major life-altering, near-death experience car accident and concussion at the time. I vaguely told the group I had disabilities, but since my medical issues were invisible to them- I don’t think they believed me. My dog wasn’t service trained back then… after she was, people were nicer and seemed to believe me more when she was with me. I hated that I felt like I needed strangers to believe I had medical problems… and now I can see how that was related to OCD. I still feel like I have to prove myself. People used to come up to us and start petting her without asking and bombarding me with questions about “how to get one” …it seemed like people still didn’t believe I had disabilities even though she was a clear physical representation. It was so frustrating… especially if I was symptomatic or trying to catch a flight. Eventually when people approached us, I learned to start with, “well, you need to have a qualifying disability and paperwork to prove it” …that usually forced people to check themselves. Although, I had a lady scream and wave her hands in my face at the airport. She was yelling asking if my dog was an epilepsy service dog. We were on our way to our gate, so I didn’t stop and she kept yelling as we rode away on the moving sidewalk thing. I don’t understand why people think I owe them any explanation or lesson on service dogs. It’s so bizarre. I slowly started to give up, and was letting people touch her when I didn’t want them to because they would go away faster. My dog loved the attention, but it messed with her focus and training. I started getting frustrated with her too. It wasn’t her fault but I wanted it to stop. I think she started appearing like a “fake” SD because of her attention to/from strangers. So then I worried about appearing like a fraud even more. I felt trapped like once someone had permission to pet her… coerced or otherwise, I couldn’t change the expectation. I got in a bad habit of letting grad school classmates pet her… which felt impossible to undo because I had classes with the same cohort for years. I started being standoffish to people, wanting to be left alone. I was constantly running late (also connected to OCD- checking locks, compulsions, etc). Then I was worried if I was being mean to my dog because I was annoyed and always rushing her around. We were constantly in a frantic hurry. It was more difficult for people to stop us if we were rushing, but I was stressing us both out. I had a grad party recently & found out a classmate who also has disabilities thought I didn’t like her. She was forced to sit in the front because she was in a wheelchair and I wanted to disappear in the back, so I always rushed past her. She asked me about the SD process at some point too, and I wasn’t in the mood so I was probably rude. She’s the only person who actually did deserve an answer… I feel bad about that, but it’s also not my job to educate every single person about service dog training. My service dog is retired now due to getting older, and I’ve started getting nasty looks from people again as I’m adjusting to existing in the world without her. Usually when I park in the handicap spot… even though I have a state issued placard from the DMV and my medical issues are real. I have stacks of documents proving it. I think the desire to be believed might be a validation seeking thing… but it never goes away because there are always new strangers. I also had to literally prove myself and the legitimacy of my medical issues in a court case against the person who ran into me with their car. My brain was still developing when it happened, and then it was seriously injured… so I think there are some strong neural pathways related to proving myself and not feeling safe. The car insurance company we were suing was aggressive and tried to challenge my credibility. It’s their job, but still hurt because they were attacking me personally. I became obsessed and paranoid about my medical records. Worried if I said the wrong thing, I wouldn’t win the case or be able to pay off the stacks of medical debt that came from the accident and recovery. I became obsessed with safety, and never felt safe- in the world, in my body, etc. We won the case, but the money didn’t go very far. That’s a story for another time. I applied for disability benefits a few years ago when things were bad, and gave up after they denied it the 1st time. I’ve heard they commonly deny the 1st app, but I didn’t have it in me to jump through hoops to prove myself to yet another entity. It seems like I’ll never be able to fully prove myself and feel relief. I have regret for how all of these feelings built up to me completely shutting down and being unwelcoming to anyone and everyone. My personality changed… to the point my doctor thought I had a personality disorder. I was angry at the world for years. Why me? It’s all so unfair. I was seriously hurt by a careless driver 10yrs ago, and have been suffering ever since. It’s not enough that I’m forever physically injured, have permanent medical issues, and I’m in debt. I’m also being socially tortured, questioned, shamed… I just want to live in peace. I want to be left alone unless it’s a mutual connection. This injury created a metaphorical gaping wound that never healed and gives people access to my most vulnerable parts. I just want to be treated with basic respect and kindness. I want to be believed. Why don’t people believe me? Why do I care if they do?!😵‍💫

Rant :’o This past month ive been feeding into my ocd cycle. Even when I know it’s bad I still do it? My cycle seems to looklike this: -gets intrusive thought - gets reaction to thought, views it negatively, so I get defensive and push away physically and emotionally until I get clarity and reassurance that my thoughts aren’t real or that they have no validity. It is SOOOOO HARD to break out of the defensive mode when im simultaneously having thoughts that are telling me “do I trust him? Do I want this relationship? Is this relationship something I still want? Do I care about him or am I even in love with him?”. It adds fuel to the fire and makes it hard to break out of that defensive stage. It makes you feel like whats the point in fighting for this relationship. Listen I didn’t ruminate much or at all on this thought im about to share and im not seeking a why behind my actions but just spreading something I noticed and feel could have some validity behind it but if it’s a possible reason then so be and if it’s not then so be :3 But I feel like when I’m in a defensive mode all im feeling is anger, sadness, emotional numbness even, that it leaves no room/space for the love I have for my boyfriend to enter or even be seen to help me lend out my arm and be trusting. That’s what im feeling in my defensive mode/ defensive tunnel vision so when I’m asking myself why should I even trust him and trust that my intrusive thoughts aren’t real then it feels like there’s no point in trusting or stop pushing him away when there’s no feelings of love or happiness and excitement to combat the negative thoughts. I know im just ratting on myself for checking feelings and you should just trust that your intrusive thoughts aren’t real and all but im not used to having checking feelings as a compulsion or at least im more self aware that im performing the compulsion now and im struggling on how to approach this with erp. If u have tips regarding erp and checking feelings then feel free to let me know !! Ty ^^ I hope im making sense and im not just talking in circles lol. In sum, those negative feelings in my defensive mode make it hard to be so trusting and break free when that’s all you’re feeling and im letting those feelings navigate how I approach trust when I don’t have that reassurance there to make me break out of my cycle and I have to do it on my own. My New Year’s resolution is to be better at maintaining and improving my erp. I will be trusting and I will be better.

Hello. I am new here. I am 44. I have had pure ocd and secondary depression since I was 23. I had a very tough year with back surgery and some other issues. In October I had a major depressive episode and it was decided that my Paxil was no longer working. I have since transitioned to Zoloft. I had to take work off because the side effects were really affecting me. I am now on week 10 of Zoloft and I had in increase to 125 10 days ago. The issue I am having is, whenever there is an increase, the side effects come back. In particular sleep disturbances and early morning anxiety. When I have a night of bad sleep, my OCD gets out of control. “You won’t ever sleep again,” Etc. I know it is early in my recovery and I have seen some positives. Tomorrow I start 2mg of Abilify to help. I also have a clinical psychologist. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has experiences the same things/intrusive thoughts that I am having now. I just want to get back to work and feel I am so close. Thanks for reading. Paul

Good evening everyone. I have OCD since my 15yrs old. Now I am 39 yrs old. I used to take SSRI in the past but decided now to do the necessary efforts defeat my fear of virus & infection by myself. My father died in March 2025. I placed his body in a room where there were 2 mirrors which were partly covered. I placed him there for like 20mins to do some prayers before transferring him to another room. I must share 1 other detail. My family was insisting that we put him in the other room. I fought them to place my father in the room where the mirrors was partly covered because this room was in the house that he owns and the other room was in another house next to his. Before passing away, he was making plans to renovate his house including that room. The family which was residing in his house was insisting so much not to place him there that I believe at one point that they were doing things to steal the house for themselves so I fought them. I felt the need to place him in that room even if it was for 20mins. Now the fear that his soul is trapped in the mirror keep coming into my mind. And there is also a secondary fear that my fight with the family has disrupt his rest in death. The fear is not distressing or impairing as over the years, I started to understand how OCD works and how do the brain can trick you and make you believe that some things are real, BUT still, even with that knowledge, sometimes you don't know for sure which can be real because your brain is a part of you and functioning within you and may still trick you despite your knowledge. And I still want to know that my father has found his place near God. Now I am thinking and getting afraid that my father's soul is trapped in the mirror. I frequently prayed to God to take care of him and to forgive his sins. I also ask Jesus to take him in his Kingdom. The thought and fear that my father's soul is trapped in the mirror came into my minds frequently, though not everyday. Do you think this is real or is that OCD which is causing this? I am going to share what I have found online: Yes, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) can absolutely manifest as a compulsive need to search for every detail and seek complete clarity or certainty when faced with uncertainty. This behavior is a core characteristic of the disorder for many individuals. Why this happens in OCD Intolerance of Uncertainty (IU): A central feature of OCD is a very low tolerance for doubt or uncertain situations. People with OCD struggle with the normal level of uncertainty that most people accept as a part of daily life. The "Doubting Disease": OCD is often referred to as the "doubting disease" because it generates persistent and intrusive doubts about everyday actions and potential outcomes. Compulsive Information Gathering: The urge to seek clarity leads to compulsive behaviors, which can include: Excessive research: Spending hours on the internet (e.g., Googling symptoms or reviews) to find definitive answers. Mental review: Repeatedly replaying past events or conversations in one's head to ensure nothing was missed or done incorrectly. Asking endless questions: Seeking constant reassurance from others to alleviate anxiety and uncertainty. Checking and rechecking: Meticulously examining details, such as light switches, locks, or documents, to achieve a feeling of absolute certainty that everything is "just right" and no harm will occur. What do you think?

I got blackout drunk last night and feel the worst unexplainable guilt, dread and shame today. I’m worried I could have said or done something embarrassing while out at the bar towards the end of the night when my memory is absent. Worried I could have been judged for being drunk by all the people I ran into (lots of people home for the holidays). I just have an unshakable feeling of guilt and shame and the false memory “what ifs?” catastrophizing everything. Like I know drinking heavily isn’t healthy but outside of that, I feel like nothing inherently bad happened last night. Most people probably wouldn’t be dreading the “what if I said something embarrassing” aspect as much as me and would just say, whoa I overdid it last night. But to me it feels like rock bottom every time I’m hungover from drinking heavily lately. Didn’t used to be this way but it’s almost like the alcohol is pouring gasoline on my OCD catastrophizing. I don’t really know how normal this is but just wanted to see if anyone else deals with it or has advice for today. Because it’s so hard to get out of my head right now.

I make my boyfriend want to die and I feel disgusted with myself My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and nearly all of it has been long distance. We started talking April of 2023, we started dating September 2023 though we acted like a couple way before then, then I moved like march of 2024. Immediately after I moved, I started confessing a bunch of stuff to him. I still talked to my ex the months while my boyfriend and I were just in the talking stage. It wasn’t in a romantic way and it was maybe a few days out of the month, like maybe once a month or sometimes more. I’d ask questions about how I was in my past relationship with him so I could be better in my new relationship or I’d talk about my mental health and things I wasn’t comfortable talking to my now boyfriend, about. My boyfriend started talking to me literally like a month or two after my relationship had ended so I don’t think I was completely over it, I needed time to heal. I liked my now boyfriend so much though that I just blocked all of that out. He treated me so well, he was so handsome and interesting, I loved being in his presence. I was so happy with him and I felt like my old relationship didn’t matter anymore. Anyway, I also stalked my exes socials even when my boyfriend and I had started dating. I stopped talking to my ex when my boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend though. I didn’t think it was wrong, I didn’t realize it was wrong at the time. I didn’t want to be with my ex, I didn’t like him anymore and I actually ended the relationship. He treated me so horribly that I stoped loving him, or liking him at all. I confessed everything to my boyfriend though while on my way to my new state. I hurt him so much and that was only the beginning. He initially wanted to break up, but eventually chose to stay. It was a rough few weeks though. Then I got my first job ever and that opened up a whole new can of worms. This was my first real, serious relationship. I started finding other people attractive, I found myself wanting to other people to think I was pretty, I had thoughts, and I also stalked people from my past on insta. I confessed yet again, everything to my boyfriend. Every single thought, every single small action, everything. I had never experienced these things before, being in a relationship and still finding others attractive, being in a relationship and stalking people from my past, wanting other people to notice me. These were things I was used to doing while single and things I’m not sure if I did in my past relationship, but I just didn’t notice. I felt horrible though, I felt disloyal, I felt like he needed to know. I made him feel so horrible and depressed. Then I got a new job, same stuff happened, I confessed, and the cycle repeated itself. Then again, I confessed my every thought, every small action, everything. He begged me to stop confessing, he said he didn’t want to know anything, he said I was making him depressed and insecure. I was making him feel like he wasn’t enough. I confessed such horrible things to him, not cheating just things you should never tell your partner, things you should keep to yourself. If I imagined myself with someone else, I confessed, if I stalked someone from my past with no weird intentions but then maybe started to think I found them attractive and my intentions were weird, I confessed, if I walked past someone on purpose or found someone attractive at work, I confessed. If I didn’t confess, it would eat at me. I’d feel sick, I wouldn’t be able to eat for days, I’d lay in bed crying and I’d call out of work. I’d feel so dirty and confessing was my only way to feel clean again. I stoped confessing around December of last year. The damage was already done though, I changed my partner and our relationship. Then my partner got a new job and I started to think he was cheating. I’m not going to go through every single thing that happened, it would be too much. I made him unfollow girls from work who made me uncomfortable simply because I was insecure even though they were just his friends, I was constantly questioning him and getting upset, I was constantly stressing him. He wasn’t perfect and did some things to make me uncomfortable, not display just things that weren’t okay, but it didn’t warrant my behavior, I was too controlling. He lied to me twice and I found something out that really hurt me. Again, wasn’t anything disloyal, just not okay. It really broke my trust and since then, I haven’t been able to feel secure. It’s been over a year and I still question him about situations, I question him about irrelevant girls, I stress him out so much. For the past few months I’ve been questioning him about a girl he talked to for maybe two months before him and I met. They were just friends as well but she was really weird and he ended up hating her. I’ve consistently brought her up probably every week for idek how many months. I’ve asked if he looks at her account, finds her pretty, I ask him and over and over again if he liked her, I’m always bringing her up. One time, the same day I brought her up, he had listened to a song, the same song she posted herself to on her story. It wasn’t a very popular song, and he said he had seen it in an edit but he couldn’t find the edit anywhere. Ever since then, I’ve questioned him about it and I’ve accused him of looking at her account. Inconsistent things have happened in the past before though and that triggered me. Like him saying he doesn’t have Snapchat but there being a green dot on his name, him saying certain people are blocked but they disappear off of his blocklist, there’s been a lot more. I’ve asked for proof of things, I’ve kept tabs on him, I’ve been so horrible. I used to have his location but I deleted Life360 because that’s weird. His location was off one time that he said he was with family and I questioned him. I stalk his PlayStation and if he says he’s busy but it seems he’s playing video games, I question him. I ask to see his blocklist to make sure every girl I had him blocked, is still blocked. He visited recently for a week and it was amazing, we’ve never been happier, but after he left I spiraled. I searched that girls name on insta to see if she’d come up and she didn’t. A few days later I asked him if he had blocked her and he said yes, I asked to see and his blocklist order had changed. He said he didn’t know how and I spiraled. We had talked about it a few times prior to him leaving but it wasn’t enough. When he got back home, his WiFi was out for over a week and he couldn’t text. He had to walk far out of his neighborhood which is dangerous, just to text me. I spammed him, I told him I wanted to break up, that I was done, that he’s a cheater, etc. I kept having these ups and downs and these mood swings. One minute I was convincing myself he cheated and the next I was like, he could never do that to me. He would walk out of his neighborhood sometimes just to answer, I knew it was dangerous for him but I felt so insecure that I didn’t care. He asked me to stop texting until he had WiFi again and I tried, but then I’d start to spiral and overthink again and I’d spam. Finally he could text because he had went to see family in Mexico. He promised he’d answer some old messages an hour after waking up the next day but ended up not doing that. He had to sleep on the floor and he told me he had spent the day so tired, trying to sleep. I didn’t care, he broke his promise and I was so upset. I’m used to him ignoring my messages sometimes so this really pissed me off, especially since I spent a week not being able to talk to him. This happened on Christmas by the way. I spent all day waiting for him to keep his promise and reply to my messages but he never did. Then he didn’t reply to me for like 12 hours, no update or anything. I spammed him again, and I sad the meanest things I could think. I hate you, you’re horrible, you’re just like everyone else, you make me want to die, I hate you so much, etc. I had convinced myself he didn’t care about me anymore. He broke his promise and he didn’t update me. He answered at like 2pm today saying he had went back to California and he still didn’t have WiFi at his house. He said he didn’t update me because his phone had died. Then today, I questioned something he had said during a conversation where I was talking about that girl. We ended up getting into an argument and he called me. He was crying, saying that he’s so tired of me bringing her up and that she’s not relevant at all, and I make him want to die and he’s so tired. This made me realize how absolutely horrible and disgusting I am. I love him so much and I just want to be happy with him, I don’t realize what I’m doing until after. I convince myself he’s this horrible cheater sometimes and I piece together a bunch of things in my head that I think is evidence. I stalk his every move and think certain things are proof that he’s cheating when really, they’re a product of my imagination. I’ve ruined my relationship, most of it has just been be stressing him out and making him want to die. I know I need help, this isn’t normal. These mood swings, my overthinking. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and talking to a therapist doesn’t help. He’s cried to me before, saying he could never cheat on me because his dad cheated on his mom and he was cheated on twice as well and it’s just such a horrible thing that he could never do. Is my relationship past the point of fixing? Have I ruined things too much? Everything is so dirty now and I can’t make it clean again. I can’t undo everything that has happened and so much has happened. Every single day I’m stressing him out. He’s mentally ill too and I make him need therapy, well his family too but still. I haven’t been there for him when he’s needed me the most, I make him swear on the people he loves just so I can believe him, even when they’re sick. I’m literally such a disgusting person. I don’t mean to be this way, I really don’t, I don’t want to be horrible. He makes me so happy and I’m so happy with him. I just convince myself he’s cheating or doing things behind my back and it feels so real in my head. I ruin his happy day, the holidays, his birthday, I ruin everything. These past two weeks that I’ve convinced myself he’s doesn’t care about me or love me and that he’s cheating, I’ve imagined myself with other people that I know or knew because I’m so scared of being alone. I’ve looked at people who are attractive, I’ve hoped people would notice me, I’ve been so horrible. I was convinced he was cheating and I’d end up alone. I don’t want other people, I just want my boyfriend. We’ve been together since I was 17 and I’m almost 20 now, is it too late to be better for him? I feel like I’m so manipulative sometimes too. I don’t feel like I do any good. I make him insecure, I stress him out, I don’t stop when he tells me too, I just keep going, I trigger his ptsd by being so stressful, I hurt him and make him depressed, I haven’t supported him in crucial times and I even STILL questioned him about things when he was going through heavy things, I let my insecurities consume me and I let the need to confess, consume me.

Some notes I thought worth sharing as I've delved into my OCD patterns with my therapist (and myself via journaling). Perhaps like others here, I oftentimes view my thoughts, ruminations, and OCD behaviors as simply pathologies. They just exist, I don't know WHY they exist, and they're simply "part of the condition." There may be value to this line of thinking, but I am also gradually understanding that my OCD patterns developed in response to specific traumatic life events. For example, I am a former binge-drinking alcoholic. In 2023, I had my first ever panic attack while driving while I was severely hungover. I thought I was dying of alcohol poisoning. One terrifying ambulance and hospital trip later, I was mired with horrible shame and an utterly terrifying fear of alcohol. My brain had learned that alcohol -> panic attack -> shame -> I'm a terrible person and I've failed. This is a big part of where my health anxiety stems from I've learned. I want to control what goes into my body to ensure I'm maximally healthy so I never panic again. Moreover, my brain learned to demonize alcohol and shame me HORRIBLY for ever indulging in it again. Drinking alcohol -> I'm a terrible person. Both these things in conjunction began a patter of OCD behaviors trying to perfectly optimize my food and drink intake while also feeling deeply afraid and ashamed for still wanting to eat junk food and drink booze. Point is, there is a root to this OCD. My ruminations and checking are not just "parts of a disease" they are an effort to assure I never have a panic attack again, and avoid behaviors that lead to feel intense shame (drinking booze). Similar thing happened recently after a traumatic relationship. She and I loved each other dearly, but I was constantly crippled by feelings of anxiety and feeling "less than" her. This again culminated in INTENSE shame, fear and anger directed at her (which fueled the shame cycle), ruminations to always "solve" my anxiety and be the "perfect" boyfriend who always made her happy and solved all her issues. Even after this relationship, I have ROCD behaviors and ruminations about family members and friends sometimes. My brain DESPERATELY wants to know that I'm "enough" and to avoid all behaviors it irrationally views as "shameful." Queue feelings of fear towards social interactions, which then reinforces the shame for wanting to avoid anxiety inducing social interactions. My point again is, these don't seem like meaningless compulsions and behaviors. They may (or may not) stem from genetic factors, chemical imbalances, etc. Who knows. But my OCD behaviors have pretty clear beginnings and they are PROTECTIVE measures that my brain learned to keep me safe from health concerns and fear. They aren't simply useless things my brain does on repeat. My brain is smarter than that and so is yours. They don't do things for utterly no reason. I am not a therapist and please do not take any of this as more than food for thought. You may also find that there is a deeper reason behind your behavior than you think. Happy Holidays, everyone here is "enough" just as you are and I feel your struggles. I hope you all can find some peace :) I need some peace and love too.

Considering not posting because looking at my feed and it looks like a lot of people are struggling right now. My mind is telling me that I caused this because when I first got onto the app a month or two ago my feed was a lot of wins and overcoming, then I posted about struggle a few times and now it’s all struggle. And sure, maybe I did do that. And maybe I didn’t. regardless, what I’m ACTUALLY coming here for is a question and maybe seeking a little support/knowledge (if anyone has it in them—maybe it’s the holidays too? I know they can be so hard for many.) Sometimes, not very often, but sometimes I have these thoughts that absolutely fill me with horror and dread. It’s usually about something that is a big fear of mine, and I’ll have a thought or cluster of thoughts and then something in me will shift from “what if” to “this is definitely real and imminent.” I think I know the answer, but is that OCD? Because often times the what ifs can be easy to ignore, because I don’t know, but then my mind comes up with all of this “evidence” followed by a gut or bodily sensation, and that combo tells me the I’m basically (correctly) predicting the future. What happened tonight was a new level of worrying about my brother and his family. I worry about my brother having ptsd and the ‘what if’ he doesn’t treat it or what if it gets worse and we “lose him” (psychologically) and then how that will affect me and his family and our family and then I decide I need to go into a career in therapy so I can handle it or prevent it even, and since I’m directionless and careerless now anyway and interested in that as a career and he does genuinely have PTSD, why not do this? So I guess…why not do this? Is it wrong to make a decision like this? Is this ocd, and if it is, what’s the nuance where ocd and real logic and common sense overlap? I realize this is something I should bring to my therapist, and I will, but this community has been really helpful in just providing comfort and support through shared experience. And now…I just realized this is post is probably a compulsion, what I’m doing right now. The dread and horror felt so bad that I came here because it absolutely does make me feel better and sitting with it felt unbearable. And now posting feels wrong, because I do feel better lol But I still want the advice and, now, maybe an objective view on if it seems like I’m currently posting an ocd cycle in real time. This is hard.