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🏋🏼I'd been practicing ERP For a week and I am already feeling more in control by relinquishing control IRONIC. But I practice ERP the whole day not just an hour or two

Can someone respond to my previous post, I'm really struggling

It all started 6 years ago when I was 27 years old when I was really stressed at work and my friend said well here's some gummies they have to THC they help you relax.I didn't think anything of it I just popped that thing into my mouth not there a few minutes like the world started distortionating and freaked out because I'd never I done drugs before only like alcohol. It was a hell of a nightmare that night. I keep thinking I didn't feel right and the world felt unreal. etc I asked my sister to take me to the ER the deal all the test said I had the AC on my system and then I have to stay awake at the hospital the doctor concluded I had seizure so she sent me neurologist I was taking the medication normally and then months my friend gave me the THC gummy again 😅. I didn't put 2 and 2 together the first time. Well said let me try it a little bit I'll take it at home but I tried a little bit just a bite during wind again did the world distortion 😑. And that's when I realized it was the gummies but it was too late. I was scared having a panic attack wondering if what was happening was real the world was real if the people were real what was real what was not real in and out of consciousness. And after that day did panic attacks happen that anxiety the depression daily panic attacks daily that I was going crazy. I asked my family to go take me to go get mental health and they gave me medication anxiety subsided a little bit but the intrusive thoughts did not. Always having those thoughts if the world was real if everything were real, if the present was real what if I was crazy and everything was happening in my head what if I was dead etc etc etc anything to do with reality I also got desrealization along with the panic attacks. I tried telling me to this soon my psychiatrist you looked at me like I was crazy and he looked confused. Well long story short that's MY PURE OBSESSION OCD is thinking of the world me around is not real somehow basically. My question is should I drink alcohol to desensitize from it or not because that triggers my obsession and make is really bad

I want to beat OCD because it’s starting to take over my life. I always knew something was wrong/different with me and finally got an OCD diagnosis from my therapist. It made me cry when she told me, but I know I can overcome it or tolerate it better. Please give any suggestions on how you take your mind off of intrusive thoughts, obsessions, etc. 🫶🏼

Today I noticed that I have been making improvements in my harm and contamination subtypes. I started ERP a couple weeks ago and am in talks with my psych about meds I should be taking. I've noticed that since ERP, it's a lot easier for me to touch "contaminated" things and not feel incredibly disgusted. I can touch my trash can, dirty dishes with no gloves, touch items at the grocery store, and touch toilet handles without getting anxious. That's a huge step for me. Now, I will say it did get in the way yesterday of me going out to brunch because there have been measles cases reported around where I live. So, still work to be done but getting better. Today, I had a big breakthrough when I noticed that I hadn't even remembered to turn on my living room security camera until after I had left. I wasn't scared, I casually remembered and I knew I would see my cats sleeping and not something horrible. I also don't double check behind my husband anymore when he locks the door. I watch him lock the door, then walk away towards the car, trusting that it was done. I try really hard now not to do my usual mental compulsions and ask for reassurance. I feel like I have more trust in general towards at least the things and people in my home. I still have a long way to go but I'm making progress!

This flare up masculine lesbians or masculine presenting women are a HUGE trigger for me. It’s the whole reason why I went into a SOOCD spiral in the first place when I was 15. I thought a masculine presenting female kpop idol was attractive bc they looked like a man. But anyways, I have been around lesbians and masculine lesbians since my childhood and never had any attraction towards them or any woman. However ocd is latching onto one memory from a super long time ago. My mind could also be distorting my memories and I don’t fully remember it. When I was at practice I looked at my teammate (who was a very masculine lesbian) and wondered why she looked like a boy. Immediately after thinking that I got an intrusive thought like “does that mean you like her” and as soon as that thought popped up a huge wave of anxiety and discomfort washed over me. I started to freak out and I looked at her face to check if I did, she was smiling and I noticed she wasn’t ugly and that made me more anxious. But I remember closing my eyes, taking a breath, looked at her again, felt nothing, and moved on. I saw her multiple times after that and I never once found her attractive or had any crush on her. I can’t even remember her that much because she was so insignificant in my life. But my brain keeps telling me that it’s proof. I remember two of my friends in high school telling me they sometimes thought masc lesbians were guys and sometimes found them cute, but after finding out they were girls they just moved on. I remember my friend saying “Yeah sometimes ill be on instagram and think omg he’s so cute, check their page, see that ooohhh…its a girl, and go nvm and move on” those were her exact words too, and she’s still straight. The false attractions (I hope and pray they’re false) are eating me alive. I don’t think my brain can accept acknowledging that someone is attractive while not being attracted if that makes sense. Every false attraction feels so real (esp bc my attraction to men is literally gone and has been for years) but it leaves me feeling so anxious, awful, and depressed. But 2 months ago, prior to the spiral, the attraction I felt for my boyfriend felt so genuine and good 😭. I’m telling you I’ve been a numb rock towards men for so many years now but that one hangout me and my man had woke up those feelings again. I say it in almost every post but I just wanted him to kiss me SO BAD the entire hangout. His smile had me mesmerized and I felt so shy but in a good way 😭.I don’t even know how to describe it anymore bc I feel so numb towards him now and all the attraction has left. I think it’s also because we can’t see each other that often because of school so i’m left to ruminate about everything. I’ve been dealing with this theme for so long and i’ve felt nothing but depressed and numb to everything whenever it takes a break from terrorizing me. There’s so much proof against me but deep deep down I know what I want. I felt it 2 months ago when my mind was clear and ocd wasn’t bothering me as much. But as soon as ocd comes into the picture i’m back to being numb and start to doubt EVERYTHING. I just want this shit to end 😭. I’m so so exhausted that I’m going to see a doctor to see if I can start medication. I need all the help I can get at this point. I don’t think this amount of emotional and mental numbness is normal and my depression fully back again. I’m so tired of feeling like a rock.

I need a miracle bc i’m sick of this. I hope and pray this is SOOCD and that I actually have OCD. I was doing sm better a couple months ago. I felt hope after years of depression and numbness. As soon as I feel something other than negative emotions or nothing at all, OCD immediately tries to fuck it up. Why won’t this leave me alone? If those past memories/proof mean something I pray it means i’m at least just bi bc bi women don’t HAVE to be with women. I just keep on ruminating and analyzing, analyzing my past relationship (i had soocd before and during it so odd is latching onto everything ocd made me go through while being with him), replaying and analyzing memories of childhood exploration/ regular memories (like checking if i had attraction to male characters in movies i liked and worrying bc I can’t remember if i did or not), creating false ones?, checking, i’m constantly triggered by EVERYTHING, and I’m worried even more now bc I don’t have that many thoughts as before. Then I try to analyze if I had a lot of thoughts in the past when the theme started bc if I didn’t then maybe this isn’t even OCD. This all started bc I thought a masculine presenting woman in a kpop group was attractive 5 fucking years ago bc she looked like a male kpop idol. I rmbr I was so uncomfortable when I realized she was a woman. I even remember thinking “does this mean i’m bi? let me pretend to fangirl over her like I do with guys just to check.” It didn’t feel right but it was stuck in my mind and wouldn’t leave. Looking back, this theme was building up earlier but i wasn’t phased bc my attraction to men wasn’t gone. Sadly i’ve been numb for years now and i’m still dealing with this years later. Now that I’m having a flare up, every time i see a masc lesbian now I feel like i HAVE TO BE attracted and it can’t just be false attraction. Also i fucking hate how when I’m feeling terrible everything that triggers me just pops up on my screen. I feel so numb towards everything. I feel numb towards my boyfriend and my relationship (I was so excited for my relationship and my attraction for him felt so real, wanted, and genuine) but when he does something that hurts my feelings somehow i can feel that and nothing else? I hate this I hate this I HATE THIS.

After having a great few months and the most confidence in my life, an embarrassing situation and an ended situationship I got too attached to in August have led to a grueling 2 month journey of self-reflection. All of my defense and coping mechanisms stopped working. The feeling that I’ve never developed a true identity or enjoyed life the way others do was painful. I’ve learned that my intrusive thoughts and compulsive behavior I’ve exhibited over the years align with OCD (specifically with relationships and perfectionism). It was liberating to finally put a name to my situation, but rumination and excessive venting in my journaling have led to me constantly analyzing every conversation and all of my body mannerisms. I haven’t been able to get my mind off this situation for more than a minute in these two months. I’ve never felt more different from my peers, and I’ve gone from extremely social to fidgety and shy. How did you cope with the embarrassment and avoid comparing yourself to others? I am unable to form any routines or enjoy the things I used to enjoy because of these constant thoughts.

For the last week, I have gotten little sleep. The first 3 or 4 days, I would lay on the couch shaking, having like full body jerks, exhausted but laying there with my eyes closed all night. Tossing and turning for hours and maybe slept a total of 30-60 minutes very broken up through the night. The last few days, I'll feel a bit better and try to go to sleep and wake up 45-60 minutes later or an hour and a half later it I'm lucky, before everything floods back. I get jerky and shaky, my stomach has a pit, I feel that dread, anger, anxiety, and I'll be tossing and turning again with bits where I fall asleep for 20-40 minutes maybe 2-4 times through the entire night and morning. It's driving me insane. It's scary that I can't sleep much and when I do, it feels like torture and I'll have nightmares for the little bits I do get.

I have no idea what I want to do in my life. I never leave the house unless it’s therapy or something. I can’t drive and doubt I would ever be able to because I’m just that dumb. I’m 18, graduated this year, and have no goals at all. Nothing feels like it matters that much, I was numb during graduation, I didn’t laugh or smile, I just walked on stage and turned my tassel. Every day is blurring together, now that high school is over I have really no routine where I can connect with people. I sit at home and do dumb crafts and art, take care of my dog, play games. Sometimes I really feel like I’m dreaming while I’m still awake, absentminded and forgetting things that just happened. Some days I’m alright but then I really confront the fact that I am indeed no longer a child despite still feeling like one, I need to grow up and do things adults do. I want to do things other people my age do but I’m not like other people my age it seems. God all this useless self pity. Boo hoo. I’m just so so tired man. I don’t know what to do with my life at all. I’m not cut out for this and I’m so clueless.

I notice that the thoughts aren’t constant and just pop from time to time. However the rumination is constant. I do have other annoying mental compulsions but i’m just worried that it’s not OCD. The thoughts dont feel loud but they do make me ruminate. Sometimes they’re “what ifs” or “this happened which means this and your a liar” or they’re like memories/flash backs. But they’re not constant which makes me worry that this has never been OCD. I keep ruminating ab weird childhood exploration, uncomfortable memories, fake memories, and (TMI) past random arousal in the past that didn’t align with me and my wants. Idk if it’s bc i’m ALWAYS questioning and analyzing in my head that I don’t notice things as intrusive thoughts? But there’s too much proof I feel like this is just me coming to a realization, i’m in denial, and it HAS to be true which makes me want to puke. I literally forgot all ab that stuff but my brain has brought it all back 😭. This flare up started because of a couple thoughts ab my relationship that made me anxious and triggered the rumination and it went back into an SOOCD spiral. My therapist told me she definitely thinks it’s OCD but at this point I don’t feel like it is.

Idk why but while I was doing erp my brain told me to look at her chest and I tried covering that part but I still looked… why did I do that? Anyone else have this happen? This has happened multiple times… (edited)

I desperately need some advice or tips. Now that I’m having a horrible flare up that feels sooooo real it’s hard for me to feel good around my man anymore. The feelings and attraction I felt for him turned into numbness and OCD constantly makes me feel like a liar and question everything. I’m trying to stop checking and ruminating whenever I’m with him but it’s so hard especially when I feel like a full on rock again. I have no libido (haven’t in years actually), barely any attraction to men anymore (been happening ever since this theme started which was a long time ago but I think it’s from the years of feeding the OCD cycle,depression, and anxiety), and I’m feeling emotionally numb again. I don’t know if this is asking for reassurance but I really just want to know how to continue my relationship that I was so excited for. I was so happy to feel genuine attraction and to have a crush again after years of numbness 😭 I was so excited for this new chapter. All these missing emotions were waking up again, and I was starting to feel happier and normal. But ofc OCD had to make an appearance again. Any tips will be greatly appreciated!! (how this flare up has me feeling)

(Sorry this isn’t ocd related)Does anyone else hate public speaking? It’s like one of my biggest fears. I’m like an 18-year-old with a fear of public speaking. I just get so much anxiety about it. I have the toughest time speaking in front of a big crowd. I have a major that kind of requires me to have a good speaking skills at some point cause I have to put myself out there and also market myself, but it’s so hard for me to the point where like I actually hate it. This week I have this project for my identity and it’s so hard for me to stop overthinking about it, I’m just so nervous to go up in front of 20 people and talk about what I think contributes to my identity. I just don’t know how to have a more positive outlook on it. I get told that I think very negatively about it. I just don’t know what how to think about it any other way, especially since it’s something that I really dislike doing. If you have any tips feel free to reply

I had a small epiphany this morning while brushing my teeth. I’m now choosing to focus on what’s happening now. All I know is that I have OCD. All I know is that after years of numbness, my old crush on someone grew, and now he’s my boyfriend. All I know is that I like to be around him and I was/am excited to be his girlfriend. The weird childhood exploration, uncomfortable memories, other things that happened in the past may or may not have meaning. I don’t know and right now at this moment, I really don’t care. I’m done debating with this. When SOOCD was only just a tiny mosquito bugging me from time to time, I felt the real me again after YEARS of feeling like a rock. I don’t know if the things OCD tells me will happen, and that’s ok even if I think it’s scary and horrible. I don’t know if OCD is right about me. All I know right now is I got a date coming up soon and I want to enjoy it. I hope anyone who reads this has a good/easier day. We can get through this!!!

Changing plays a part on ALL your senses. 1. Emotional Attachment Past experiences, especially those tied to love, loss, or trauma, often carry strong emotions. These feelings can linger and make it hard to move forward, especially if the past felt safer or more meaningful than the present. Stop fully investing in anyone (new) in 2003. 2. Unresolved Issues When something from the past remains unresolved — like unanswered questions, regrets, or unfinished business — the mind tends to revisit it, trying to make sense of it or find closure. Solved it all. say my peace , straight then ✌🏽. Key: all parties must take ownership of their part. And admit the truth that they don't want to see, or feel the pain from. My growth and healing does NOT depend on them. Sorry 3. Identity and Self-Perception People often define themselves by their past. If someone has built their identity around a particular experience or relationship, letting go can feel like losing a part of themselves. Partially agree. I do not identity with my past in that way. I was a runner so I wouldn't have to. 👎🏽✌🏽 4. Fear of the Unknown The future is uncertain, and the past is familiar. Even if the past was painful, it can feel safer than stepping into something new and unknown. WAS TRUE but from age 14 until not I am over it. Sometimes change is serenity and I love ❤️ that. 5. Guilt or Shame Some people hold on to the past because they feel guilty or ashamed about something they did or didn’t do. That emotional weight can make it hard to forgive themselves and move on. From a teenager to now, I have learned that my same stemmed from me being raised in church and hearing Bible verses in Mt head when I was deciding what was bad or good. Right or wrong in my parents eyes. It spent a lot of my adult young age years dealing with my morals and beliefs. Trying to be "good" and trying not to be a 'Statistic". At about 28, I threw those towels in. Because no matter what I did good people still labeled you. So I flipped a bird and decide that I didn't need anyone to reassurance me about nothing because I already know who I am. If they don't believe me then who gives a ahit, I dont. 6. Nostalgia and Idealization Sometimes, people romanticize the past, remembering it as better than it actually was. This idealization can make the present feel disappointing in comparidon't. I remember the buttlefies, and puppy dog tails because I want to. I also remember the perspectives for each of my siblings. The thing about it all is I had to force them to admit to the good stuff. They were old, so as a younger kid, it was like pulling teeth to get them to admit to the fun stuff. My problem with that is why hold onto ALL NEGATIVE SHIT AND NO POSITIVE? That by itself is miserable AF and I don't do things to myself like that. So when my family said your were a kid, your weren't even paying attention. I would bust their head by reciting what I knew and understood about each one of them. What mom had said in a problem directly to them, how she told them to fix, what they ask dad about and what he said know to, and who got mage at him and held it against him until he died. I felt the shit when you went through knuckle head... because I was there. I seen all yall tears, fears, AND brawls. Just because I wanted to smile didn't mean I did understand your scars. I believed in family and I also believe in love. I believe that good alway win. So I took that path. Shit was not that bad any, not she died and we all was separated. They do know the half... why because they would have hold some of the responsibility. The end 😝 You pass don't determine you. It's just a peace you. Those who don't want to let go of YOUR PAST, leave them there. And keep moving forward. Being there, done that and dues are paid. Thanks

Hiieee "Be the change that you wish to see in the world" "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten" "You cannot change the people around you, but you can change the people you choose to be around". I love ❤️ all these sayings. Today I realize that African American people seem to not be willing to allow others to grow and "be." Some have the most difficult time in letting go of the pass and watching someone change. I find it very disheartening to see this. People want to constantly make me my mistake in the past or constantly want to force me to believe I have grown from or changed. They don't understand that just because you don't believe in me doesn't mean that I do not. All of my past mistakes are linked. And because I am able and willing to think positively, let go of past pains, and move forward. There are many people around me who wants me to remain STUCK, DESOLUTE. To fall back in old habits and be the person that I look like on paper. They want to keep you in a traumatized state of mind to see, "What will help." SMDH It's said that people purposefully hurt others for a thrill. Or are that intrusively nosey that try to use the correct acupuncture pin site to seat it all up to flames. Giggles I have a very high tolerance, but zero for BS. These are so-call Community helps. I don't play games, I just adapt to what is given to me. Always have always do. You can only work with what you have, right? But I am not that person that they want me to be. What they will never understand I that person is a survivor. And just because you don't believe in what she has survived and the repeated traumas she fought through and got away from is not on her its on you. I was once as by an Official body to write down all my pass issues that I could remember where I had gotten myself in trouble. To write the date and year, who I was with and what happen. Then truly write why did it happen. I did. After I completed that document and a re-read it back to myself I felt humiliation and dumb. But it also made me feel like I won at the same time. But I just took it as a win and then let that feeling go. Once I gave it to that requesting person, they said they read the document. Then they asked me how do I see myself. I said I am a person, I been there some things but I've managed and I am still here. As we spoke they said something that I did not equate to. Because for me since I am a fighter, and will fight through obstacles... they said "you have been through a lot of traumas and abuse you entire life. Do you think you experience PTSD? .... ? I've never looked at it like that..... It was life. Most people around me were going through worse shit and I'd get caught helping them with theirs so I could not be bothered with mine. It's what I could do to feel better until I could change it. In that moment once I got off the phone with that person. I read it from their perspective. It was very sad, it had a life time line that I did realize I had created. I wanted chronological order when I wrote because it help me to not miss the pieced. That person seen trauma, I seen pain and try to hold on to thing that I could not make better. I remember a Pastor saying to me, sometimes when you want to heal or even change to get better, you must change the people around you. That say bleeds my heart. That saying bleeds my heart. I have a enlarged bloody heartthrob is always about to explode. Over the years I have been very careful about who I allow to get close to me, to real know me. Of course all else is splattered on my background. But it is very minimal of those who KNOW KNOW ME and real love me. My youngest brother, I miss him so much. Since he has pass I have been wanting to talking him. Our last face to face we fought like cats and dogs. I knew why he cam to see me, he was reaching out to me and needed me. My baby brother never comes my way unless he needs me. Because he knew I have never let him fall. He was lost but he did see that I was running. He just thought I could snap my fingers and make it all be, "for him" like I always did. But he could not see me, mine. It is so much pressure when you have have your family who has their nose turned up and they ALL come to you to save them. No judgement, no words, just an open door, you're safe. My home, you'll always be safe, comfortable and can gain peace... and some reality... it you want to talk about it. But I could help at that time because I was running. And he didn't because he knew if I wanted to be done with someone, I was done. So he came with his ideas of how he could transition to where I was bit he never heard shit I was saying. And he is a hand full. And I would have down it but I wants ready nor it the right position. I know my family and I know what they expect of me even though they will never say it in positive or motivated way. He did, all the time... even cursing each other. My family will never, ever, ever, admit that my door had always been opened to them. They will never , ever, ever admit that they came to me to help them through in there lifetime more than once. My behaviors sometimes was a little unorthodox but it got shit done, right. My brother depended on me like I was his mother, I saved him as much as I could. He was the type that as soon as you'd tell him he was fuckijg up ... all of a sudden he was a grown as man. I could never waot for him to say those words to me. Because a soon as I fixed things and taught things, and organized his adventures and disadvantages... he was a grown man again. And when he wasn't there yet every male figure around me was a threat. The shit was crazy. He asked once, am I your blood. I said, Yes, babe bro you are. He said you trick those guys you date better than me. I said I do not. I am very strict with you because I know you and I know when you are about to get yourself in trouble. You get restless and you start talking dumbshit. My guy friends get it too. But you're mine, my family I want you alive. I have the rights to you know them. He alway worried about me get married again, so scared of someone taking me away somewhere and him not being able to follow. I promised him that I was go nowhere the he couldn't come. If I did, I'd help him get to me. I alwaus do. I think about him today because I need him. And if I would call him right now he and a slew of unknowns would have been here yesterday. Because he would ask me, &$*%#% what you need? What you need me to do to make it happen? How much you got to spare? And say OK, bet. I got you babe, don't stress or worry about a thing. But I lost that guy in 2023 and need. The point of this THEY WANT YOU TO BREAK, THEY WANT YOU TO FALL, THEY WANT TO SEE YOUR ROCK BUTTON AND THEY WANT YOU SEE YOU FALL BACK INTO YOUR OLD WAYS. WHY ... It makes them feel at ease for not being able to help you. It's there excuse they give themselves to not care.

I plan on utilizing the resources here (support groups, community board, etc.) I feel like in the past, I would become super avoidant of addressing my concerns therapy despite my initial enthusiasm, I am hoping being part of a community will help that. I have been reading some of the posts here and I really relate and am surprised because I feel like a lot of these are concerns that I have had but have been really worried about mentioning to other people. It makes me feel a bit less worried about bringing it up. I was definitely worried in my first session, but I think I did really great despite that.

My main theme is SOOCD and with my flare up the groinal response goes crazy. Does anyone else get the groinal response for literally anything? Like faces, looking at body parts, being in close proximity to someone of the same gender, or when you’re literally just anxious, stuff like that. I think it’s maybe bc of the automatic checking. Like i’ll see a woman on social media, immediately get anxious (sometimes), and start checking everything. TRIGGER WARNING for anyone with another theme!!!!!! This makes me feel so disgusting to type out. I don’t want to think about it for too long before I trigger another theme. Like sometimes it happens with my own family members. It makes me feel so disgusting. Can anyone relate?

Ive seen a lot of information online and misinformation, my ocd has been severe since I was a child, as probably most of yours have as well. I’m currently doing CBT with a therapist and I really can’t tell if it is making me worse which is causing an obsession around it. How does CBT affect some individuals suffering and what’s your experience?