Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I was diagnosed with ADHD years ago but have found that most of my day to day struggles are dominated by OCD behaviors. I have contamination and health O and find that in my work and household with roommates are where my compulsions to clean are most present. ADHD is easy for me to talk about with people, but I am scared that if I talk about OCD with people in these spaces, everything they see me do will be filtered through a less-educated perspective of OCD, and I will be judged for it. I don’t want people to assume how I feel about the cleanliness of things and label me “overly perfectionist” or “too careful” bc I am fully aware that I cannot impose my fears on anyone and how unrealistic the fears are. Yet I still want people to understand what I’m going through 😔

For all of us who judge ourselves for decisions, actions, other people's jugdement, humiliating, and insults of us. I hope we manage to live by these meditations.

Im crippling from the stress, the last two years of my life were dreadful to say the least but especially this year,was horrible, I'm 14 and haven't received continuous therapy sessions for it just two random sessions with two different therapists that diagnosed me with OCD,my ocd started as me being a cleaning freak to the point of insanity,I'd spent hours cleaning my enviroment (not in a normal healthy way), TW my defecation body parts where so messed up(to the point of bleeding and scarring)from cleaning them over and over again so harshly,and I still felt unclean most of the time,I would repeat my wudu(a process of rinsing certain body parts like the face and arms to prepare for prayer,Im Muslim), so many times I've missed the times of prayers for it.However, in the last year i started getting really agressive sexual intrusion photos and thoughts of either family members or friends and just people in general,it was terrible and they developed into sexual intrusive dreams of people i know creating this shame and making me spiral and go back to some sexual stuff i used to do as I was introduced to p0rn/sexual g0re from such a young age against my will and never recovered from the scarring thoughts, this has affected me deeply because in Islam in order to pray you have to be Tahir meaning you didn't have sexual intercourse or sexual thoughts or sexual dreams (i always have the latter two 😔)and if you did you have to perform and cleaning ritual of cleansing your entire body properly which is exhausting to me because I do it so many times in a day which is driving me again to a point of insanity I hate myself

I’m tired guys. I’m tired of thinking something is always wrong with my health, tired of letting random symptoms/ sensations take over my brain and make me think something is horribly wrong. Tired of thinking I need to go to the doctors to get X & Y looked at. I’m tired of always assuming worst case scenario. I’m tired of constantly thinking if something is unethical/ immoral if I don’t do something, tired of always thinking I’m offending a religious higher being, tired of thinking I’m a bad/ disgusting person for my thoughts. I’ve had OCD ruin so many things for me that should have been fun. It’s ruined intercourse/ intimacy because of religious thoughts, or I keep thinking about STDs/ infections. I’ve been having panic attacks lately, something I’ve never experienced, because of life changes and it’s all gotten in the way of my structured life and it’s been very uncomfortable. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m in danger, or nothing is real. Right now I’m fearing the most that I’m losing my mind, who I am, and I’m just so scared of my mental health getting worse and going manic or developing a dangerous mental illness. My mental health has NEVER been this bad. This is all new and it’s so scary. I was just fine a few months ago, sure I was dealing with other OCD stuff, the intrusive thoughts, the fears, the repetitive actions just to make sure something is the way I want it/ brings me comfort. But ever since my structure was changed/ ruined, it’s all been downhill. I just finished an EMT program, and that messed with me. Saw/ experienced things I’ve never done before and man, it’s really messed with me. Working on getting a new job in healthcare but still don’t have insurance so getting a new OCD specialized therapist has been difficult. Can someone relate just so I don’t feel like I’m crazy?..

Having a recurring intrusive thought that im evil bc when i was 14 i was dog sitting and I was told by the owner to tug on the dogs leash when he would stop walking to keep him moving. Well I did that and he was very stubborn so I remember tugging harder than I should have out of impatience which makes me hate myself so much. The problem is I can’t remember the specifics of the memory like how hard it was or if he was hurt. I do remember him coughing which is terrifying. Like half a year later he passed away and I’m always scared that I hurt him. He was old and I hate myself for being so impatient. I just wish I could remember correctly. How do I live with myself?

I think i always get some slight attachment for older women. I just always admired them, mostly authorities or i just simply admired them as a older women as a mothers or idk. When i was in high school i had this favorite teacher. She taught me for 7 years. I always felt that we might be somehow connected or that she will help me somehow in the future. When I was in my last year of high school she noticed me that i struggle with mental health, she was always there for me, she even hugged me and reassured me and ive always felt safe in her presence. I was always happy to see her and i think i might make some excuses to just see her and talk with her. So i think i got attached to her. The truth was, that we actually were somehow connected and she also brought be closer to God and she inspired me to become a teacher in the future. Everytime when we had to meet after school i was a bit nervous and sometimes i even wanted to look pretty because i knew that she will give me a compliment. I even said that I love her as my second mother. Sometimes i even thought of her as my mother. When she wasnt responding to my email or a message i strated to panic that i might did something wrong. When i started study my teaching major I even practiced with her at school and i didnt want to disappoint her so i tried to be perfect. Anyway, i have never had sexual or romantic scenerios with her. The only scenarios i had in my mind with her were those that I imagined her as my mother or how she huggs me and comforting me when something bad happens. I used to cry many times when i was thinking about her and I was thanking God that He send me a person like her. I’ve never had butterflies in my stomach around her. I’ve never been aroused in her presence. I’ve never had sexual fantasies with her. But i do get thoughts and doubts that “What if u flirted with her? What if u were secretly into her? What if u have crush on her? What if you love her romantically? What if she is your lesbian awakening?” It bothers me and makes me sad😔 She even kissed me once on my hairs, once on my cheek and I’ve never felt any butterflies or never felt in love and after that happened I wasnt even panicking because i knew it doesnt mean anything and that she only cares for me and nothing else. But im just scared that this is also one of my proofs that I’m a lesbian😔 People told me that this has nothing to do with my sexuality and this actually might mean that im just looking for a mother (i do have a good relationship with my mom so idk why this happens, but i sometimes feel like my mom she is more like a friend and not as a mother who understands my needs and feelings). Anyway, i somehow feel like this doesnt make sense and if i would be in love with this teacher then I would know it. I feel like its bullshit but i cant get over the fact that some lesbians actually had their lesbian awakening when they had a crush on a teacher even though i dont think what i experienced was a crush. 😔

I want to start off by saying that I am doing fine and I am doing my recovery for alcoholism and drug use. For those who understand AA and NA going through steps is very tough. The first step which is admitting that we are powerless over our addictions is super hard, and our lives became unmanageable when we used and drank. The fourth step is taking personal inventory and admitting our shortcomings to God and to someone else. Being very thorough with our shortcomings and admitting to God that we have flaws. My OCD is trigger because of the fact that I feel very scared to admit certain things that I’ve done in the past. And also admitting about my shortcomings with OCD. I feel like my OCD is meant for a therapist and my recovery with alcoholism is for my sponsor. Going through this four step is very difficult for me because I just don’t know what to do. I understand I can’t change my past and I have to admit through myself my shortcomings. And it’s tough to talk about it because I know my sub types, and everybody here can see my sub types. And I just don’t feel comfortable telling that to my sponsor, however, if I don’t be thorough with how I do my fourth step I feel like I’m being disingenuous to the program. I am very torn and how I have to do this. And I feel like it’s very difficult for me because it’s not easy to be vulnerable. It’s not easy to admit that I have shortcomings and they’re very dark. however if I don’t do this step, I will not fully recover from alcoholism and drug use. I just don’t want to share my OCD shortcomings. I just wanna share my flaws and personality. But I don’t know what to do. I feel very uncomfortable doing this at the moment however anybody that does this program would feel the same way. So maybe it’s a good reason to do this stuff. I don’t know.

MAN am I tired. Things have recently gotten a little better in terms of energy since I've tweaked my medication, but I feel so avoidant to everything I know I'm supposed to be doing. I mean I did just up my dose of Luvox from 200mgs to 250mgs like a few days ago, and then I almost immediately got sick. Frustrating? yes very much so. Coincidence? I think not. My body is probably regulating itself and I think this might be a reflection of the copious amounts of stress I've been feeling for so long. There's so much guilt of feeling that my life has taken an abrupt pause. Every day I have to resist sleeping in until 11 and staying in my room all day. I'm still unable to socialize how I once was, or am able to under substances and that kills me. I also feel a lot of guilt because I don't help around the house as much as I'd like to and I STILL don't know how to cook, both due to trauma in a dysfunctional home growing up that's interlaced with my OCD, but I just want to be able to do it already! These are literal survival skills! I get frustrated because my OCD just makes me seem like someone I'm not, like a shitty person(another obsession). I want to be able to work, but I'm still so inconsistent even with the ERP homework that I'm assigned. Financial strain isn't getting any easier in this world, and I hate feeling like a burden to other people. I guess I just feel like an adult loser. I know, I have a disorder that's extremely debilitating and I have to face some of my greatest fears on a regular basis, but I'm getting so impatient with everything. I know I'm just starting to get out of a valley and climbing upwards in many areas, but it feels like everything is moving so fast around me and I can't catch up. Also, was anyone else fucked up about the fact that our compulsions are voluntary??? That fucked me up even though my therapist said it in a way that was supposed to be comforting. Salute to the homies with OCD, ADHD, depression, and PTSD<3

It’s so sad to see how many people are affected by this, I as a person am too. I feel like it’s a never ending cycle, my family is living with a monster for the mistake of my teenage years, guilt. I consider to get off this earth, others deserve forgiveness and empathy but I don’t. I’m so sorry to those I hurt, affected, or even could’ve. This guilt from my teen years eats me up alive and I feel like I can’t do it anymore, if only anyone knew how sorry I am, how horrible I feel everyday I wish they can see I truly have no bad intentions but if I deserve punishment for never getting better I deserve it, to live the life I feel as if the universe or god is punishing me, I won’t question it because that’s a higher power only they know. I don’t deserve food or birthday cake or my family, and I wish I never made that mistake, even if people tell me it’s not anything bad I was a teen or that I feel guilt that it’s a good sign I don’t believe it, I don’t deserve anything and I wish my family so much love they live with a monster, me and I leave my friends and I am alone now because I am a monster. Even if I didn’t affect the person, I still feel guilt. What if I did? What if they don’t see it yet. I don’t belong on this place, you all deserve love and forgiveness and grace I am sorry. I am so scared of people.

Trigger warning Has anyone else dealt with disordered eating to cope with OCD? I’ve found that I often lose weight during a flare because I feel like I don’t deserve to eat. I’m wondering if this is common, it feels very isolating and lonely dealing with this.

I have been to a handful of therapists in my life since 2019, some who were helpful and some who were not. I have been categorised my entire life as a “perfectionist” by my friends, have blood relatives who are diagnosed with OCD, among other things, and I’m just lost. The overlap of symptoms that I have with various other mental disorders is confusing me. Is there any definitive document I can refer myself to? Is my only hope to see an OCD specialist to find out? Does anyone have advice as to what to ask a CBT therapist? I’m in a financial bind, and just need some reliable resources and answers.

Today i remembered something from 2 years ago that i did. I don’t know if i can talk about it in detail, i guess I know everyone would hate me for it. I didn’t do anything DIRECTLY to anyone, it’s more about what I didn’t do really. I just feel like I allowed something terrible to happen cause I didn’t wanna be involved. I did what I thought was the best thing to do at the time, but was it? I haven’t thought about it in a while, but today it came out of no where and I just kept thinking about it. I know I should try to be less hard on myself and try to learn some self forgiveness but at the same time…it’s hard to feel good about anything.

I want to share some thoughts that might resonate with those of you grappling with intrusive thoughts or lingering regrets from the past. First and foremost, it's essential to remember that our thoughts are not definitive representations of who we are. They often stem from random electrical impulses in our brains and can feel overwhelming at times. It’s important to acknowledge that these thoughts do not define us. Instead, they are just passing moments that we can observe without judgment. Secondly, it’s crucial to realize that past events would have unfolded regardless of our actions. We often believe we are the main cause of certain outcomes, but many events occur independently of our choices. Think of your life as a storybook; while you can read and reflect on the pages, you did not write the narrative that led to those moments. This perspective can help alleviate feelings of guilt and self-blame. Lastly, let’s remember that we are all human, and making mistakes is part of the experience. It’s vital to forgive ourselves for past errors and recognize that these experiences contribute to our growth. The mere act of reflecting on our mistakes shows that we have learned and evolved. To foster healing and personal growth, consider incorporating some positive habits into your daily routine: Get Outside: Aim for daily walks in the sunlight. Nature has a remarkable way of uplifting our spirits. Pursue Hobbies: Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. This can help redirect your focus and energy. Volunteer: Offering guidance to others who may be facing similar challenges can be incredibly rewarding. It not only helps them but also reinforces your own lessons learned. By taking these steps, you can create a meaningful path toward moral repentance and personal development, freeing yourself from the burdens of the past. Remember, healing is a journey, and every small step counts. Embrace it with kindness and patience towards yourself. Have a great day all 😊

I was at my aunt’s birthday party today & I actually socialized (with my aunts/uncle only ofc). anyway, while I was on my phone to the side, I think I heard one of my cousins use an ethnic slur. but other people were talking so I can’t tell if I am imagining shit or if she rlly said it. it sounded like she did even though I didn’t hear it clearly. and I’m just disappointed, upset, angry, etc. my other cousins say the slur as well which is why I don’t like going to parties and talking to them bc I don’t fuck with that. I’m not surprised at them for using it bc they say it religiously. but I am surprised to hear it from this particular cousin. and the reason I’m upset is bc years ago we realized (when we were kids/teens) how bad the word was. I won’t deny that I also used the word back then when I was 14/15 but stopped at 15 & corrected myself. I took accountability and everything. we both agreed that the word was bad to say and we would stop. she was actually the one that caught me using it when she stopped and pointed it out to me. I think shortly after that, I stopped using it. (but she wasn’t the first person to tell me to cut it out. she was just the last one to tell me it was bad.) moving on, I’m upset bc I rlly believed she changed and would never say it again. I guess I was wrong. I had a lot of trust for her because she was basically the only one in our family (mom’s side) who understood how wrong it was. now I feel like I’m the only one that has truly changed. I’m fucking mad. like fuck. and just genuinely upset. I can’t trust anyone. I want to throw shit around. how many times am I going to keep hurting finding out who people truly are? now I won’t say she’s a bad person, she’s good but fuck man. why?? why say that word?? I believed in her. literally broke my trust just like that. I am very observant and don’t talk to people until I find some confidence that they won’t disappoint me. now after this event, it’s just fueling my morals even more. I can’t seem to talk to anyone without thinking “are they racist? do they hate gay people? what do they think of trans people? are they friends with good people or enablers of bad people?” and so on. I’m so fucking tired. and I’m scared of wondering what my friends (the ones that are close to me) think of certain topics. these are just my online friends. I don’t rlly have irl friends. it’s like I can’t have friends. and ik u can have different opinions of stuff but when it comes to politics, it’s just overwhelming for me. I can’t even think for myself. always obsessed with what’s “good” and what’s “bad” I’m tired of it all. fuck all of this. fuck bad people. fuck the world. fuck me. excuse my language. good night everyone. stay safe & take care.

it deeply upsets me that im not morally perfect and the people and world around me arent morally perfect i just want everything to be morally clean and good but its not and im not and i hate that.

Does anyone experience physical confidence issues that might be related to OCD?

I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough..I’ll always have issues and ocd relapses. My bf needs someone better.

so i wanted to come on here and tell you all about a break through i’ve had. i’ve been in therapy for ocd for 8 months now and i can say and confirm and it has truly changed my life. im still growing and healing, i still get thoughts, i still get my obsessions. but i can resist and ignore compulsions now. as i heal ive noticed the thoughts more, gotten nervous they might mean something. it makes you feel crazy and like your whole journey was a lie and that these have been thoughts all along that are true. i’ve been in an 8 month long relationship since january and with my ocd it has not been easy. many times i felt like i should give up because even though i love my partner, i can’t be with anyone unless im completely healed. but something in me always made me stay. i come back now in august with those same thoughts and i worried that this might that it’s the end or that he truth has come. however something stuck out to me after i read up on the matter more and gained insight. something i learned and will now always instill is that love should be freedom, and feel freeing. freeing to be you, freeing to grow. i realized quickly that ive been free to grow and explore. but ive been holding myself back. not out just of fear but of not realizing that i am my own liferaft. i hadnt begun to step into my true unblocked energy, one that knows and trusts what i need and knows that the universe, god, whatever is above will always align me in places at the right time. this of course, is a balance and not one that needs to be taken immensely serious. in fact we should be taking life less seriously. i say all this to let you all know and instill that as we step into our confidence and trust and instill the outward energy inward. rather than worrying on if they’re right for you, or if you are in the right relationship, or if you feel disconnected or lacking of connection. connect back with yourself first, you be able to understand and see that the only thing holding you back from achieving your goals and dreams with career, self, relationships and more truly lies within you. it’s uncomfortable, it’s hard and it makes us scared to loose the situations that don’t serve us. but once you connect back with the energy and trust you have for yourself, you truly begin to realize you can let people in, everyone including partners are people YOU let in your life and are simply people with other lives that you need not connect to yours in the sense of making personal decisions or dictating your mood. people don’t speak enough on what it means to heal after ocd symptoms go down. you realize it’s about getting through the thoughts to get to the root and do that inward work. it’s still something im working towards. do something you love, go for a walk, read a book, it’s uncomfortable because we’re so used to be preoccupied that when we step back into ourselves we feel like we don’t know ourselves and it’s ocd that tries to take over once again. trust in yourself, your own decision and what you want, feed your mind, and understand we’re all doing this for the first time, but you can handle because you are your liferaft, your safety and you security and peace. i promise it’s life changing. reach out if you need someone to talk to you will get through it💌💗

Any help or tips?

I’ve done many things in my past that I regret heavily, and I can’t get over it.. I really can’t no matter what.. One being that when I was 14, I was making inappropriate comments and jokes to my friends/partners who were 1-2 years younger than me, and I feel so disgusted that I did this, why did I do this, I’m a horrible person, I don’t deserve anything…. Important to note: yes, at the time I didn’t know any better, I really didn’t, i remember it being really normalized, NOT an excuse but an explanation.. but, I regret being that way so badly, because it’s so gross I can’t believe I was so stupid… and I still see kids nowadays make jokes and comments to their friends/partners like this?? Why is it still normalized…