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POCD has made me lose all my self identity, i dont know who i am anymore. Im really tired, when will this horror end.

scared im a p for getting with/talking/dating someone two years younger than me. i did it when i was 16. they were 14. i turned 17 then they turned 15 like 20 days after. they were in my friend group at the time and we were friends and we ended up getting drunk. i talk to people older than me, my age, and younger, but my limit is two years. im scared that makes me a p.

How does one overcome POCD when it’s tied into/influenced by actual events in my life? I feel like there is almost a pattern for me :( My events involve researching/googling disturbing things I shouldn’t have out of morbid curiosity (and seeing truly horrible things/images on the internet as a result of this), having thoughts about girls in their late teens sometimes being attractive (it’s happened multiple times that I thought a girl was attractive then learned she was like 17 or something. It always disgusts me, but I feel the need to test to make sure they aren’t attractive to me upon me finding out their ages. This causes even more distress and discomfort). I have certain and uncertain memories about pleasuring myself to things that are morally unacceptable (one of those things being a scene from one of those films on the Disturbing Movie Iceberg that I watched and I’m unsure I may have m*********d to. It involved CSA and was one of the first catalysts for my POCD. I am only about 40-50% confident that this didn’t happen). I’m even going back and remembering a time where I was 12-13 and read fanfics about a 9-year old anime character being shipped with a full adult. However all but the last event happened between the ages of like 20-23 (I’m 24f now and the thing about worrying about finding girls in their late teens attractive is the only current “active” thing going on. Everything else is based on past events). Every time I read about POCD, it always seems like people’s distress revolves around “current” intrusive thoughts (e.g, “Did I find that child attractive?” or “Did I touch that child inappropriately?”). I rarely see things involving past actual events similar to mine, and it makes me think that this isn’t just POCD. I feel like there’s no other explanations for my actions, this feels like a pattern of behavior. I am so afraid that I am a p***. And I’m leaving for a movie soon. Not exactly sure how I’m supposed to pretend I’m ok and act present when the friends I’m going with would likely hate me if they knew all of this. Im so tired.

going through this again, always having. Groinal responses, either stemming from an intrusive thoughts or something I heard/seen, or I have a groinal for no reason then the thoughts come. I also have a urge to m-sturbate which is one of my compulsions:( I hate this

So I made a post earlier today regarding POCD specifically about people in their mid/late teens (See attached picture of earlier post before continuing reading). I ended up confessing this to my girlfriend as usual. This isn’t the first time I’ve confessed fears/thoughts about some teenagers being attractive to her. I’m showed her the picture that I was worrying about, and she said that she thought the actress in the picture was good looking/hot as well. She has said similar things when I’ve showed her other pictures that I’m worried about being attracted to, and I know she’s just trying to comfort me but it’s worrying at the same time. I’m afraid that we’re both ephebophiles or something :( When I talked about how I feel disgusting and creepy for thinking these things sometimes, she said “Well I’ve thought the same things. Do you think I’m creepy or a pedophile?”. She is of the belief that even if I do find these girls attractive, that isn’t necessarily wrong because it’s not like I would ever try to communicate with them or date somebody that young. She also believes that a lot of the people I’ve had these worries about look older than their ages due to makeup/style (I tend to show her the pictures that trigger me, which I know is bad). I’m worried that this is an excuse. I don’t want my POCD to latch onto her and make me fear that she’s an ephebophile. I love her more than anything and I’m sick with worry and questioning both of our morals. I feel like it would hurt her feelings if she knew that I was having these fears about her (and my own) character. And now I’m going back and recalling every related event, every time I ever watched p*rn in the “teen” category, every time my girlfriend has comforted me over these thoughts, etc. I’m really not doing ok today. I’m leaving for a concert in like 15 minutes and idk how I’m going to stay present with all of this fear and doubt. I feel so alone, and like an absolute monster. I’m sorry for venting so much, I just don’t know where else to turn. I could really use some support.

I’m about to go on a trip with my partner and the last time we went my POCD flared up like crazy. I couldn’t enjoy any of our time together and he super noticed and I’m worried that I’ll ruin everything all over again. Idk I might take a journal with me to help. What do I do?

I jumped at the opportunity to share my story when NOCD told me about their advocacy program so today I’m going to tell you all about my OCD journey to help those not feel so alone! I want to start this by saying just because my story may not look like yours doesn’t mean your story isn’t valid! Everyone is different! The first time I remember having an intrusive thought was when I was around the age of 6-7 I remember I was making sandwiches with my father and as I held the knife I had the thought “stab him, you need to stab him” I was so scared at the thought, I thought it meant I was a bad person or that I wanted my father dead. I was terrified. Years later different thoughts and themes would be more prominent and by the time I was in my early 20s was when I read in depth about OCD. I dealt with POCD for YEARS before I got help, I remember doing compulsions like googling to find answers to what I was thinking and feeling or any form of reassurance I could get! While I was googling (and never finding any peace) I came across an article saying “do you have POCD?” I remember thinking “I don’t have OCD, I’ve never been diagnosed and I’m not clean!” It’s crazy what the stigma can make you believe about an illness. I however read the article anyway and I’m so glad I did because that’s how I found NOCD. I realized I had been struggling with POCD as a main theme from the age of 16 (I am now 27) I went to my doctor to get a professional diagnosis and started therapy after a few months of saying “I don’t need therapy, it doesn’t work for me!” I realized my ways of “making things better” AKA compulsions!! Weren’t working and I needed a professional. I was scared, I remember thinking my therapist will think I’m an awful person with awful thoughts and call the police, I can’t tell her the truth about what’s going on in my head! But when I met my therapist I exploded with emotions, crying, telling her everything about what I was thinking and how I was feeling. I desperately needed help and NOCD and my therapist Lourdes were the life line that I needed to get better. My therapist was my rock, constantly cheering me on, telling me “I could do hard things” that simple saying has stuck with me since the first day she said it. I learned how OCD attaches to what you value most, that the reassurance seeking and constant googling I had been doing for my entire life was not helping but hurting my recovery and we worked together to craft the perfect ERP exercises so I could heal. I was doing well for so many months until OCD decided to attach onto another thing that I love and value most, something I wasn’t expecting, my relationship. I had a horrible run of intrusive thoughts about my partner. These thoughts lasted for about 8 months when I realized that I needed an extra boost of help. That medication and therapy would be my best shot at fighting this and that taking medication is nothing to be ashamed of. I started Luvox and continued ERP exercises I am so happy to say that my OCD is very manageable now! I still have intrusive thoughts but they no longer have that intense chokehold on me. I can sit with the uncomfortable feelings and let them pass, I do still catch myself doing compulsions which is a very normal part of recovery and will be something I will most likely catch myself doing for the rest of my life! However it is so important to recognize it and try in the future to resist! I am so happy to say that I have been going on a few months now of minimal intrusive thoughts and anxiety and I am beyond happy in my life and relationship. If you take anything away from this I hope you take away that you are NOT alone, ERP therapy saves lives, it will get better, medication is nothing to be ashamed of and you can do hard things!! You may feel like when you have another tough patch that you’re “right back to where you started” as I have felt in the past, but I promise you that isn’t the case. You can and will get through this and I know that my OCD may get worse again but I know with the support of my therapist, my inner circle and the support of this community I can and will make it through. We can do this and I know it may be scary at first and may feel impossible to get better or that somehow you’re the exception and that nothing will help you get better but I promise you that’s not the case. I felt the exact same way before I started therapy. You will get better, I believe in you and you aren’t alone ❤️

Does anyone else have intrusive thoughts during sex that make you lose your ability for focus/make the experience less enjoyable? I have POCD so having intrusive thoughts of this nature during sex not only make sex with my boyfriend way less enjoyable, but also make me feel perverted for having them while simultaneously aroused. It feels like they’re causing my arousal even tho I know rationally that they aren’t. Any advice? Feel kind of alone in this.

there’s a little kid outside my window at the community pool. i looked to see what he was doing. i looked a couple times and he was just fully clothed in the pool LOL, but then I started having thoughts “oh are u looking bc ur a creep? do u want to go down there and gr0om him???” like wtf!!! and i stayed there and kept looking to i guess test myself and be like see im not looking for any reason but i got this feeling of dread and had to walk away :( i hate this. pocd makes me feel like i am a p everyday it feels so real sometimes I just wanna say I am and admit myself to a mental hospital

So I’m on insta and I see this young girl literally doing like a group Zumba type excercise and I think omg she’s fine the way she is she’s just a kid and she was so adorable but then it was showing her progress on her weight loss bc she was chubbier but there’s nun wrong with that, but then as she kept on losing weight I was thinking oh wow she looks good but then I had these feelings and I started to pay attention to like how her body was changing and it was showing her doing the exercise so I was like noticing certain movements and then my mind just kept on thinking “oh well she has a nice body” but it’s just ugh like I feel like I thought that and ik I did bc I was aware? And like idk I read on an pocd info thing that the ppl who have pocd have noticed certain movements and body parts of kids so when I read that I was relieved bc I thought i was like a weirdo but then after some time of reading that it feels like I’m thinking it’s okay and it’s just ocd thing where now I’m getting scared bc I’m not feeling anxious or anything and it feel like I’m just used to it so the feelings feel real or like normal like this is me now and ugh I hate it, bc I was noticing her like body bc of the progress but I just had troucvke with the feelings I felt :/ bc I was thinking omg she’s has such an adorable face like she didn’t need to do those workouts to be skinny but then she got skinny and I started noticing her body more :/ and I feel like I’m becoming a p :( and that I’m doomed and that I’m gonna do something one day which i don’t want to happen but what if I suddenly change and I do it?? :( It’s been a while since I Posted on her but yeah 🥲

the minute I wake up it’s like a sense of impending doom. I immediately get thoughts like “ur a p, im a p, it’s inevitable, ur hiding behind an ocd mask” and it feels so real. I also get groinal responses and everything feels so real, like I AM ONE. and sometimes im too tired to even stop the thoughts so it just keeps going and my body and brain feels like it agrees and im just a p. idk what to do:(

I’m struggling a lot today with a theme that hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind for about a month. I’ve always had a strong morbid curiosity. In the past, if I heard about a terrible crime, I just HAD to research it (and even look at photos). It’s awful because I feel like I have contributed to the exploitation of the poor victims in their final/worst moments. I try my best to not do this anymore, and if I feel the need to satisfy some morbid curiosity, I try to watch more educational materials like documentaries instead of random people posting about such things online. But I am haunted by what I’ve seen, specifically crimes regarding children. My POCD was partially triggered by people online talking about how a specific actress posed nude for Playboy when she was like 10 years old. I looked this up out of disbelief and morbid curiosity, and unfortunately saw the photos. I think I even kept looking for them after seeing censored versions (which bothers me extensively, like who would do that?). I was absolutely horrified and sickened by what I saw and the image still haunts me to this day. It’s unbelievable that those photos are still circulating online, and have even ended up in museum exhibits and art books on Amazon. Absolutely disgusting. I feel like it doesn’t matter that I googled this (and other related cases) out of disbelief or morbid curiosity. It doesn’t matter that I was disgusted and in no way attracted to what I saw. I feel like I contributed to the victimization of these poor people and that alone makes me a p*** regardless of attraction. I’m too scared to talk about this with my current therapist as we just started our sessions together. I wish I could go back in time and beat myself senseless. I feel like a monster. My main reason for posting is that I’m not sure if this is even POCD related because it’s attached to actual events that happened. Idk, I’m sorry, I just needed to vent. Please let me know if this post is out of line and I’ll remove it. Thank you to anyone who reads this, and I’m so so sorry.

So for backstory ive been struggling with really bad pocd for a while, and my friends wont stop triggering and its genuinely enraging me. So about a few weeks ago, me and my friends were talking about celebrity crushes. One of my celebrity crushes look alot younger, even tho hes like 33. I personally, never thought anything of it, its not like he looks like an actual child, he just looks young. For the record, im also 13, so even if he looked my age, it doesn’t mean anything. So, i brushed it off. Until, my friend had to make the joke “she likes kids haha” it genuinely made me stop in my tracks, and i was about to be sick. I told her to stop many times. She probably thought i was saying stop as i joke, so i said it a lot more aggressive. I said “____ i’m being deadass, stop. Its not fucking funny, thats not something to joke about?” she just made it worse by saying “damn why are you getting so defensive? are you hiding something?” i was about to break down in fucking tears. I have anger issues, and i didnt want to lash out on my best friend of years. So i said “can you please just not say that again? it really isnt funny man” So she took the hint, and stopped. Or so i thought. Until today, when at break time, we were outside we were playing with the fence and trying to climb it and what not. Since im in 8th grade, there’s younger grades in the school. There was an area where i didnt want to go since there was so many kids and i would probably p*ke if i went there. So i moved to the other side of the yard. But the bell rang, meaning the younger grades would be coming out. I said “___can we go touch/ climb the f-“ and before she let me finish, she said “what? the kids? you want to t—-ch them?” i was standing there like what the actual fuck is wrong with her. Why cant people just have basic respect. This is rhe part were i need your opinions, its really hard for me to control my anger, so, i “hit” her. I wouldn’t say it was a hit, just a tap on the arm that was meant to say smarten the fuck up. She had no reaction to it so i ignored her comment and went on. Ive been in recovery now, and i can feel this wave to fade. So i didnt want to take her comment to heart. Were back in class now, and were talking about stuff, and my arm is kind of on her desk. So she shoves my arm, and in a natural reflex i hit her by accident. She said “stop fucking hitting me all the time!” and at that second i was going to scream but i said “dude im sorry, its just a reflex i didnt mean to.” And she says “you know i bruise so stop, and you hit me today as well.” i genuinely didn’t remember so i said “what…when?” she obviously explained when she said the kids thing and i said “well i told you to stop fucking saying that? ____ ive asked you for weeks to stop so its a problem when i get mad when your accusing me of shit?” she said “ its a joke!! words dont mean anything” so i uh said. “A JOKE? THATS A FUCKING JOKE? SAYING IM A (P WORD) IS A FUCKING JOKE TO YOU?” her: “its a word! its joke! calm down” At that point i was utterly furious. Im pretty sure the whole class heard us and i rushed off to the washroom and started punching the walls, now my hands bruised( yay !) i was going to scream to her “DO YOU KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO FIGHT WITH YOUR BRAIN? THE SECOND YOU WAKE UP AND YOUR BRAIN SAYS YOUR THIS AND YOUR THAT? NO, YOU FUCKING DONT. SO IM SORRY FOR GETTING MAD AT YOU WHEN YOUR ACCUSING ME OF STUFF THAT MY BRAIN ALREADY TELLS ME I AM.” thats aside the point tho, am i the dick? for getting mad and hitting her? i feel like i shouldn’t have. Shes very aware i have anger issues. I dont know. i feel bad, but i told her to stop NUMEROUS times, its not a funny thing. give me your opinions.

can’t see anything on social media about kids ill immediately get intrusive thoughts and groinal responses and thoughts like “u are a p, u can’t have kids because u are a p” and it genuinely feels like im destined to be a p. like impending doom. that no more what i do i am one and i can’t change or stop it. does anyone feel like this? can it get this bad? my brain feels convinced and it’s like whenever i say im not my body gets all uncomfy and then the groinal responses come. i hate this. am i a p? if i am one i want to get help. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I would rather be gone then be a p but if I am one the least I could do is get help for it but im stuck between ocd and this. what if im just a fraud hiding behind ocd

I can’t ever see children on tiktok without having intrusive thoughts, groinal responses, or freaking out if I glance at chest , bottom area. It sends me into a spiral. I can’t even watch the videos. Sometimes I force myself to watch as exposure and it freaks me out and is dreadful. sometimes if I glance at the wrong parts my brain tells me I looked there for a bad reason so I’ll look again to test myself to remind myself I am not attracted to children. This pocd stuff is horrible. I feel like a fraud. Who is hiding behind pocd.

TW! So one of my old hobbies that I like to do was watch those really messed up shocker films. That's what kind of desensitized me to a lot of stuff that I used to draw. One movie that I happen to own on DVD (it was a gift) is the movie Salo'. And for those who have serious pocd that movie can be extremely triggering given the content in the film. Back then that movie really was nothing to me because to me it was just a movie. However I've been thinking about watching it again purely for exposure reasons however a little bit of my head is questioning it given what's the film has and of course the age of the actors in the film. I wonder if it would be a good exposure or maybe it's just not something to dive into again.

idk if this is even ocd related, or if anyone relates, but im so sad about growing up. im gonna be twenty in 2 years. its not even a regular sad. i get like nauseous and a pain in my chest like when ur HEARTBROKEN. i cant think about my upbringing and especially my teenage years, and what i wasted, or time and memories i will not get back. I always get sad how I’ll never be 14,15,,16, again(this also makes my pocd act up but anyways lol). realizing I’ll never be able to experience an era of my life ever again really is gut wrenching to me. I can’t think about it too long or I’ll cry and feel really depressed. how do I feel better about this?? help??!

Has anyone ever had an accepting response when telling a partner? I don’t feel like I can be honest because I’m afraid they’ll leave me for being a monster or just never see me the same

God I wanna ask my (15f) sister if I’ve ever hurt her -so badly. I wanna know if I’ve ever m worded her… she still likes me though- is around me, likes my attention when we are alone and is not troubled by my presence at all. Sometimes she squabbles with me, says hurtful things but she’s a teenager first and foremost. (Also likely bullied :( which is my non ocd fear.) She’s my sister, I love her more than anything and she doesn’t even know it. I’d move mountains for her if I had to and when I found out she was being bullied I wanted to personally put the fear of god into those pathetic wimps. She was born so I wouldn’t grow up alone if anything happened to our parents. She was the best gift and if I ever hurt her that way I would unalive myself The reason this thought came up was that I had a memory where me and her were playing as kids. We hid under the covers (idk why or the context) and she said “like sex?” And I panicked, got out from under the covers so quickly and said “what?! No- no nothing like that.” Or something along those lines. (I was molested as a kid by my cousin so I knew what sex was way too early- I think I was mostly disturbed by her knowing too.) My ocd is trying to find meaning- to find some part of this memory to twist. I can feel it bubbling in the back of my head sometimes. Conjuring up stuff. I know asked for reassurance from her is the worst thing I could do. Not only cause it’ll worsen symptoms if just ocd- but also it could possibly traumatize my sister cause she doesn’t know I have ocd and wouldn’t understand intrusive thoughts. :( Sometimes I just wish she also had ocd that she didn’t tell me about and we could both just ride it out as a pair again. Instead of being separated by my mental illness.

What do you do when it starts to feel really real and you lose yourself? I constantly get thoughts/images of me being romantically involved w a child and I disgusts me to my core but at the same time I get thoughts and this "feeling" that I like it and it freaks me out. I tend to say "i want to be someone my age or older" when I get those thoughts and I get thoughts that I’m lying and that I don’t see myself w someone my age or older and it’s so weird and gross. I’m so scared that I’m going to become something I don’t want to be. I haven’t been diagnosed fully but my psychiatrist said that she’s sure that it is anxiety disorder and impulse phobia which is very close/linked to ocd. I’m so scared that my fear is gonna become real and this is turning me into one and I’ve always been one or something.