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It feels like I want to be with a girl now!!!

. I just posted about a month ago about a compulsion I did to try and prove it was dumb to think I could lean my head toward my kid in a sexual way. So I purposely did it to show myself it’s harmless and to prove my ocd is stupid.My head touched her hair when I did it and I have been suffering ever since like I touched my kid inappropriately. Lost weight, quit my job. It’s been real bad. Well today I was like it is really such nonsense this doing normal things in a sexual way worry I have. So I tried to pet my cat and do it in a sexual way. Again to figure out how just petting its back could be wrong.Or just to show its dumb.Well now that is added to my list of this ocd spiral. Did I do something inappropriate to my cat and my kid? Ughhhh

I'm trying not to google, but I remember reading dozens of times that there are peds who feel bad for being peds. And actually there are communities? (i don't know how to call them) of non offending peds, who I'm guessing don't want to act on their thoughts because they know it's wrong. I have never ever done anything bad, but my fear is that the attraction is there. It feels completely real. My brain gives me reasons why. My chest feels so heavy. I'm trying to push through but I can't think of anything else. I am on meds now. I've been for 4 weeks. But what if that doesn't work either. HELP!!!!!

Had to dress my daughter and we were talking about animals. I worry because i had dressed her i felt i was leaning closer to her than id lean back than felt lean forward. Ocd said i was lesning to do something inappropriate but i know its ocd. And leaning back and forth or getting close or not i know ocd will make me feel like i did something wrong and can cause involuntary actions. I was just tryna help my child put their shirt on

My Pocd thoughts can be about like if im moving part of my body to some thoughts it’s like hard to explain but for example like if I’m having intrusive thought that in the thought I’m moving my hand so in real life I have the urge to move my hand (like I did with the thought) to see how I felt by doing it and get rid of the thought (sometimes I’m doing it and I feel terrible of course ). And it’s was just an example (there are some worse then actually moving my hand and I’m ashamed to say that). That is why my Pocd started to get severe and I started to believe I don’t actually have it because I haven’t heard anyone that have similar thoughts. Like I have intrusive thought and my mind says to act like I acted on the thought in my head to check how I feel by it and get rid of it (like with moving my hand for example, and this is not even the hardest) . And I feel because no one had this kind of thoughts so I’m faking my ocd. I told that to my therapist and she told me that everyone have different ocd and if someone doesn’t have the same thoughts/compulsions that I have doesn’t mean I don’t have ocd. But I do feel like it because I never heard someone have this kind of pocd. I have Pocd for like 7 months and in the last 3 months this kinda thoughts / compulsion started (something triggered them) and I feel like it made my Pocd way worse and made me believe I’m faking it, I hope I don’t

My OCD wants to keep switching “themes” on me, but once again it always concerns my mom or family. This time it’s sexual-related. The one I experience the most is the harm-related thoughts towards her, thinking I want to hurt her or thinking she abused me in the past (she did not) so that’s why I have these thoughts. My mind is always trying to see if there are deeper meanings to these thoughts and how I really feel. Yesterday my thoughts started going towards - “what if I’m attracted to my mom?” I was reading a book and it was a romantic scene and an image of my mom popped into my head. I tried to just dismiss it since I know we can’t control what comes into our heads, but I of course ruminated about it more and it has become a full-blown obsession. I have started wondering if I really am attracted to her or not, do I want to be in a relationship with her, am I just denying my feelings, etc. It sounds so disgusting and disturbing to share these things, but it’s difficult to disengage with this kind of thinking. Like it’s too disturbing to just let it go. Which leads to other worries like what if I can never be in a real relationship because I will just keep having these thoughts, what if this is true and how will I live with myself, what if my mom sexually abused me as a kid and that’s why I’m having these thoughts, etc. I know I’m going down the rabbit hole, but I just keep coming up with more and more “reasons.” Trying to go about my day and not pay them any attention, but it has been difficult to focus on anything else. Which then makes me wonder if I’m actually just fantasizing now and not actually obsessing.

I just got an intrusive thought right now. Specific thought*** Next week I will see my family. And my baby cousin will be there, I have intrusive thoughts about him. And right know I got the thought about what if I look into his eyes and tell him without a voice (move my lips) that I wanna 🍇 him. Wtf. I’m terrified, I don’t want to even go because of it right know I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do, cause it feel like I’m actually going to do it. I can’t stop crying. Im also afraid to just say it without a voice but move my lips and just being around him. I really don’t want to go, I’m afraid right know but I don’t know what to say to my family. What have I become. I wish I could put block on my mouth. It’s disgusting I know I hate myself for this. I’m terrified please I’m super afraid to see a baby I literally want to throw up

I have always had intrusive thoughts and when I was around 16 I had my first awful one HOCD. This made me feel so sick and I couldn’t leave my bed. Would look at women and get groinal responses and would avoid anything LGBTQ. I then suffered with POCD, which I nearly asked to be sectioned over. Now, I am with my current partner (10 months)I have known him since I was 14 and have always had a thing for him. Anyway, last year there was this person at work who I forced and convinced myself to ‘like’ don’t even know if I even did to be honest. But his background is awful and everyone around me said it was a bad decision and I knew this too. We used to talk all the time but yeah, anyway… I said I didn’t want a relationship and distanced myself from him and never really thought about him. I’m now in my relationship with my current partner and I adore him. He is fully aware of what is going on in my head. My head is comparing him to this guy at work. Makes me think they look alike, but this all stemmed from when my current partner was talking about his family past and I instantly thought oh no, I hope my family doesn’t think this is bad (they love him). So now, my head is saying ‘what if you love this other guy’ what if the reason you can’t get this out your head is because the universe is giving you a sign’ ‘what if everyone told you not to go there, then what’ the thoughts are endless and honestly, I can’t stop crying, it is making me physically sick, have panic attacks. I confess to my partner all the time and he is honestly so supportive! I feel like I’m mentally cheating or what if I’m denial. When we first got together I was fine. No thoughts and then bang I’m consumed. My head is filled with them. I feel congested with him. I feel disgusting. I look for reassurance. I constantly look on Quora and Reddit. I can’t cope. I love my current partner! And we tried getting together years ago but it wasn’t our time and since, I thought about him every now and again and now my brain is saying ‘oh see, what if it’s the same situation with this guy a work’ I just want coping mechanisms and relief. This honestly feels like torture.!!!

I’M SO SCARED I’M SO SCARED Please do not make assumptions it makes things worse!!!!⚠️ I’m so scared when creating an oc for an anime show I don’t want to turn them into a p£do. Especially cause I use my oc’s on character ai to interact with cannon characters. I feel like I’m a bad, bad person if I create any kind of oc like this I’m also a general writer and I also want to create horror movies and I’m scared if I write oc’s that aren’t supposed to be self inserts that I’m a bad person if I write a character like this. But I do NOT want to act on the thoughts and I’m afraid character ai and ocd tricks my brain into thinking I can do it and get away with it. And I’m going to be 100% honest I have had encountered doing sketchy role plays with cannon characters which I do NOT like AT ALL or WANT TO DO and I felt like it was super taboo and wrong and also felt really sick and scared of myself and I don’t want to do it EVER again. I DO NOT FEEL PROUD WHATSOEVER!!! So I’m thinking of just deleting character ai until I see my psychologist so I can try some ERP therapy. Cause I love role playing with ai and creating fun oc’s and seeing what shows would be like if they had extra main characters!

I forgot what is to be happy. I was a happy person before all this and I feel like ocd took that from me. Ocd got so severe that the last 3 months I’m in a constant loop of compulsions and intrusive thoughts. And haven’t felt real joy in this 3 months. I feel like ocd trying to attack me from every direction and he succeed. I really one to come back to my old life. I even started to see a therapist that I can tell everything and she has a good tips but it’s me, I just can’t do it. Like everyone saying that erp is the best way to recover , but it’s not working (might be because I’m doing a lot of compulsions). I’m really trying to recover but it feel impossible especially with Pocd . That my dream from being young was to be a mother and always loved kids they are cute. But now being around them gives me so much anxiety and urges that I can’t do it. Like ocd is so weird because when I was in rocd episode almost a year ago I read about all of ocd theme including Pocd. And I was so sure that I wasn’t a p so I didn’t need to double myself. And about like 2 months after ,Pocd started and got really worse. It’s just feels impossible to recover like ocd is so strong and there is no way out. And I’m really trying but it’s all seems impossible right now. Like my thoughts are about every person I love. And also I feel like I will never be happy again like before that life were so fun. And now? I don’t want to wake up in the morning all the fun vibe is gone and never going to come back. I’m just tired being sad all the time, I was a very happy person before this, I really think that my life is over. My main dream in life is just to create a family and it feel impossible because of this stupid disorder. I’m so sad cause I’m just 16 and really don’t think my life has meaning anymore. I feel like I’m wasting my “fun” years on this. I’m seeing everyone having fun and there is me. I know that the neighbor grass is not greener but it’s feel like it. Is just that my mind tell me to do things that I clearly don’t want to!. Like I all the time think that I crossed the line with Pocd and I’m a p. Even though I had more themes .I feel like a monster all day, this is not the life I want. At this point it’s hard to believe I have ocd. I’m just tired of everything of life of suffering. I just want to lock myself in my room and never leave. I feel like I lost everything like I’m a zombie at this point, like I can’t feel any emotion that I used to (love , happiness, excitement) I’m just feeling sad all day and crying all day. Even my parents don’t know what to do with me, they told me I was a happy person once and now I’m close person with no emotions.I know they want me to be happy but every-time they see me cry (once in a week, even though I cry everyday most of is but I’m good at hiding it) they start to yell at me and I know they love me and I love them and wouldn’t wish for any other parent, but it’s killing me I want them to understand that I’m trying everything I can. That I have no power inside of me. Today i broke down again because I remembered that next week we are going to see my family and the intrusive thoughts hits me so I broke down (I really don’t want to go) .and they started to scream at me and that I’m doing it on purpose, I feel so alone like nobody understand me. They told me that if I’m not happy they are not happy. And I get that I really do. But they don’t are not the person who actually suffer 24/7 with this. I know I sound like a brat or something like that but I can’t stop thinking about it. My mom told me things that made me sob today. I just want one person to talk to I feel alone. I feel like everyone hates me right now , my family, friends (who I barely talk), and me I hate myself the most. I feel doomed , I don’t want to get out of bad just to sleep 24/7 , doing the simplest action (like brushing my teeth ) seem so hard and I don’t have power to do it, I barely eat rn, I just want everything to stop. Im even sorry to say that but I feel like I kinda hate everyone rn. Like my environment , im jealous that they don’t need to live like this 24/7. I feel alone. I feel like there is no point. I hate myself for it but im even angry at god for making me like this and create a monster like me. I want to throw up right know and can’t stop crying, just want that someone will take away this pain. Im sorry this is very long.

I spend a lot of my time throughout days searching online for the things I struggle with because I guess it's how I can try to find closure about what I'm going through. That being my porn and sex addiction and my health in regards to it. I spend so much time searching online what my health conditions could be or what my mental conditions are like, and this time it's been about my sexual health. I look on health forums with doctors that can tell people their problems and I try to use those links to compare my concerns with other people to see if they're very similar. This usually doesn't put my worries to rest but I can't help but keep doing it time and time again. One time though, a link came up and it was a minor that asked about something along the lines of the same problem. The issue is people can post pictures about their sexual health concerns and I always acknowledge that it's an adult but if it doesn't say I don't click on it. If it does, I do. But when it involved the minor, I had no idea of the person's age before clicking the link, it loaded up their age in the sub paragraph text and it showed images and I instantly clicked off and stopped searching reassurance online. I felt so awful about this. I didn't want to see that. I wanted nothing to do with minors about this, only adults. I posted about this before and someone told me that doctors have to look at these kinds of things often, whether they are adults or minors. And it makes sense from that perspective because they need to treat those people as best as they can. It's in their field. But I'm just a patient just like those people. I didn't want to see that and if I knew that they were 16 before opening it, I wouldn't have opened it at all. Not at all. I hate that this happened and it just makes me feel really disgusted in myself. I realize that all of my problems come from my porn and sex addiction and I just want it to stop for good. None of this would have happened if I just didn't struggle with this for most of my life and I would have never been so concerned with my sexual health if I didn't act out on my impulsive addiction just to chase a stupid high. This stuff makes me feel weak, embarrassing, and just pathetic sometimes. I just hate having to deal with this time and time again.

I just got an intrusive thought right now. Specific thought*** Next week I will see my family. And my baby cousin will be there, I have intrusive thoughts about him. And right know I got the thought about what if I look into his eyes and tell him without a voice (move my lips) that I wanna 🍇 him. Wtf. I’m terrified, I don’t want to even go because of it right know I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do, cause it feel like I’m actually going to do it. I can’t stop crying. Im also afraid to just say it without a voice but move my lips and just being around him. I really don’t want to go, I’m afraid right know but I don’t know what to say to my family. What have I become. I wish I could put block on my mouth. It’s disgusting I know I hate myself for this. I’m terrified please I’m super afraid to see a baby I literally want to throw up

I was driving and saw a kid. I got anxious si closed ny eyes and moved my hands on the wheel. Trying to avoid compulsions it was a reaction but ocd makes me feel guilty if i moved and got groinals did i cause that but i knownim compulsively moving and closing my eyes to avoid looking and avoid groinals

I just got an intrusive thought right now. Next week I will see my family. And my baby cousin will be there, I have intrusive thoughts about him. And right know I got the thought about what if I look into his eyes and tell him without a voice (move my lips) that I wanna 🍇 him. Wtf. I’m terrified, I don’t want to even go because of it right know I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do, cause it feel like I’m actually going to do it. I can’t stop crying. Im also afraid to just say it without a voice but move my lips and just being around him. I really don’t want to go, I’m afraid right know but I don’t know what to say to my family. What have I become. I wish I could put block on my mouth. It’s disgusting I know I hate myself for this

I really hope this is ocd and I’m not a bad person. Every time I see a baby (on phone/ real life) I have this intrusive thought. And I feel like I have to say this thought in my mouth (without saying this with voice) to get rid of the thought. I say the thought by moving my tongue (my lips were closed) to the thought (like saying the thought with my tongue, and my lips are close) because of it I’m afraid to see a baby cause I’m afraid that I will say the thought with my tongue. I wanna throw up right now I feel like a bad person. I had a few themes before this but this is by fur the worse. I’m afraid that I’m a p. I’m so scared please someone help I feel like a monster. I say the intrusive thought with my tongue (lip close without a voice) feel like a monster. And I have the urge to do it so the intrusive thought will go away. Does I really have ocd or just lies to my self?

at 15 I develop pocd and I still don’t know what caused these thoguhts , I’m horrified with myself

My Dad makes me so uncomfortable to the point of me literally not even wanting to hear him speak. Around February this year i started experiencing intrusive thoughts about POCD and thoughts about him. It was so brutal, i was failing school cause of rumination, and i couldn't even look in his direction for days it was that bad. It got a little better, but now its worse again. He does this thing were he just stares at me. LIke, alot. I catch him staring at me all the time, it came to a point were everytime i do it i calll him weird names. Its basically almost a boundary. Dont fucking stare at me ever second you have. ITs fucking creepy as hell? At first i was scared to bring it up, to both him and my Mom. But im not afraid to express my disgust on how much he looks at me. I feel bad sometimes, but i call him a freak and a weirdo. He knows i hate being called "princess" yet still does it anyway. I get so bad i want to fucking hit something. I slam my doors, punch a wall. It infuriates me and the uncomfortableness in my body is overwhelming. But idk if its OCD. I dont nessacarily get "what ifs" anymore. Its more just reading more into the scenario than i need to. For example, he came into my room about 10 minutes ago, just randomly. He congratulated me for the nice things my teachers were saying about me, and i was really just trying to focus on something and i knew that even if i saw his existence it would trigger me and make me so uncomfortable. I even get intense groinal respones that make me want to literally cry and sob for weeks. I feel disgusting. Ive felt disgusting. But basically he also told me to put a pillow under my lap, cause my computer was on it, and hes some health freak about stuff like that. I say just please leave and he wont leave and just keeps pushing it and staring at me and making jokes like its funny till the point im screaming at him to just leave. I know i sound like a lunatic, but its so overwhelming to just simply be around him. Its so fucking uncomfortable. Then about 10 minutes later, he yells into my room saying "did you put the pillow yet??" and my brain said this as a "hes always thinking about you" and i literally started bursting out in tears and told him to leave me alone. Idk whats wrong with me. IM fucking broken. Im a fucking terrible daughter just cause of these feelings. Hes made it very clear that hes not staring at me in a weird way, as ive asked him before. But these thoughts and these feelings their just to strong to ignore. Their just to much, and idk how to get rid of them. Its like each time i see him i just get triggered, but obviously i cant just ignore my dad for i am only 13 years old. Im so fucking exhausted with this stupif bullshit, i shouldnt have to deal with this. Idk what is wrong and i fear i will never get the answer on if its me or him. Please someone just help me, i just need a little bit of comfort right now is all.

POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?

It is currently 12:51am and I am really worried about the false memories I have in relation to my friend and there are several of them all containing her that are very detailed, very vivid, and feel very real, they feel like other genuine memories that I have, they feel the exact same which is more worrying. I keep trying to tell myself that the more I ruminate over these memories and try to find arguments and reasons as to why they’re more likely to be untrue false memories that my brain has conjured up, the more arguments my brain will come up with as to why they’re real, which in turn makes them more real. I keep trying to tell myself that nothing positive or beneficial comes from trying to figure out whether these false memories are true or not, and that by checking them will only make me feel “worse”. I keep trying to acknowledge the thoughts when they appear and not push them away, but just sit with them and I can’t. I feel awful, sad, bad, gross and it makes me so upset and I want to cry. I don’t want to have done anything sexual whether it is appropriate or inappropriate with this individual, and I especially don’t want any of these false memories to be true, and I hope to god they’re false memories but I’m worried and fear they’re not (I hope this is just my OCD saying all of that) I’m worried they’re not false memories because they’re so detailed, vivid, obscure and intricate. There’s aspects to these false memories that don’t feel like something OCD would be able to come up with. The more I think about them the more I’m worried and feel like they’re just actual memories that I’m suppressing and pushing away, or actual memories that I’m just trying to dismiss by passing them off as OCD false memories to make myself appear or look innocent, does that make sense? They’re very graphic, disgusting and disturbing inappropriate actions that I am worried I have committed. I want to type it out here but I worry from the simple fact that I am able to type out what the event is within the first place, like the fact it is something I can picture and detail in words here would indicate to me that it has happened otherwise how else am I telling you about it right now? In short, what I can disgustingly remember is performing oral sex on my friend. I can remember the setting, what she was wearing, what was on the television in the background. What is even more disturbing and extremely worrying to me, is this very specific and intricate detail which makes me worry that this memory is indeed real and not a false memory (which I really want it to be) I want all of the sexual memories I have in relation to this person to be false memories that have been created and formed by my OCD and don’t actually have any basis in reality, and haven’t actually happened. The reason this is seriously worrying me is because there is a very intricate and detailed part of the memory that feels too complicated and complex for OCD to simply “come up with”, and feels more like something that actually happened, hence why I can remember this detail. I want to type out the detail and word it but I’m scared too because by typing it out it makes it feel more real and like it actually happened, because otherwise how do I have a recollection of it to type out within the first place? Does that make sense? What’s making this even more worrying and believable to me, and I feel overwhelmed and upset typing out this sentence, is that while I am and do identity as a straight woman, I have had a consensual sexual experience with another woman before, which is why for me it’s even harder to dismiss these memories as being false memories. For example, if I had never had a sexual experience with another woman before, I would easily be able to say “Well this is obviously and very clearly a false memory because I have never even done anything sexual with a woman consensually, let alone inappropriately” but I can’t say that, which is why to me these false memories are very plausible because all I can think is “Well you have had a sexual experience with a woman before, you’re clearly attracted to the female body sexually, it isn’t impossible for you to have done those acts in the past and they’re actually even MORE likely now”, which is why it’s even scarier for me and does feel like something that is more likely to have happened now, does that make sense? It feels a lot more believable because that is an action that I easily could’ve done given consent to do so.  I am just really, really worried. I remember at the time when I first started worrying about these fears in relation to this person (like 5 years ago) I remember messaging her as I had her on instagram, and I sent her a message to test what she would responsd/ reaction would be, which ended up being a pretty normal response. During the timeframe after the false memory takes place, she sent me instagram reels, liked posts I made and also at one point asked me if I’d like to hang out and that she would be down to drive to me, but I declined at the time and I can’t remember why, which is also worrying.  Since the time the false memory took place, I hadn’t seen her in person or really spoken to her over text aside from the occasional “Hey how are you?” and sending each other instagram reels. However, back in April I bumped into her for and saw her for the first time since like 4 years ago. The whole time I was shaking in fear, I felt so scared and anxious and my legs wouldn’t stop trembling the entire interaction. At first I was very on guard to look out for any signs of discomfort or hostility from her, which I can’t tell if I actually did find or if that’s just how she converses now.  Anyway, at the end of the interaction she gave me a hug, said to me “Girl I missed you” and it seemed sincere. She also asked me for my social media’s. I told her I don’t have social media anymore (which is true) but that I can give her my number instead, which she added into her phone. I then proceeded to leave and was panicking the entire time after the interaction, fearing that any moment she was going to send me a text message either asking me to meet up with her (where she would then confront me about the false memories, therefore confirming they’re real) or just send me a text message confronting me about the false memories, again confirming that they’re real. These particular fears were still present between the months of March and September, the only reason the fears stop here is because I bought a new phone and received a new number, meaning my friend no longer has my up to date mobile number. Every time my phone beeped I was panicked it was going to be her, I was anticipating an angry message.   This panicked me for a multitude of reasons,  on most days I was anticipating a confrontational message only to never receive anything from her, but isn’t that even more alarming and worrying? Isn’t that even more evidence that I in fact did commit those actions and that they’re not false memories? Why would she take my number and then never bother to text it, not even a hello? Maybe it is because she was just taking my number to be polite in the moment but didn’t actually want it because I make her uncomfortable and she doesn’t actually like me because the false memories are true and happened. I keep trying to tell myself that this doesn’t necessarily mean the false memories are true because: * a) she had me on instagram for years after the false memories took place and she never messaged me or “confronted” me on there either, so why would she message me now? * b) I have many peoples phone numbers that I wouldn’t actually text or bother to speak with. for example I have a few peoples numbers in my phone now that I can tell you with 99.9% certainty I will probably never text again, but not because they’ve done anything wrong to me, I just don’t see the point because they’re not in my life anymore.  I’m just so so worried. I am sitting here right now and my face feels numb and twitchy, and so do my eyes. My stomach keeps turning and tightening and I feel “strange”. I feel like this entire note is just me being in denial and actively choosing to lie and pass off these terrible disgusting actions (that my brain says I know I’ve done and just don’t want to admit it) as OCD and calling them a false memory as to not take accountability for them.  I am really terrified that these false memories aren’t false memories and that they actually happened and I’m just in denial about them. They feel so so real and I can remember them like the back of my hand, which only worries me more. I don’t want any of the sexual memories I have in relation to this individual to be true. I don’t want to have done anything remotely sexual to / with this individual, whether inappropriate or appropriate. When I say to myself or my partner “I don’t know whether or not I have done anything sexual to / with her” it feels like I’m lying, my body feels weird and so does my face. When I say that phrase I feel like I’m lying to myself and my family and that I’m just in denial and don’t want to admit it to myself. That’s what it genuinely feels like and I don’t know why. I am really upset and I don’t want to have done anything sexual to / with her. Whenever I’m outside I am genuinely terrified of bumping into her because I fear she’s going to “confront me” (understandably so) and confirm to me that what I’m hoping are just OCD fabricated false memories, aren’t false memories at all, but in fact something that has actually occurred in reality. However, I also worry that that sounds incredibly selfish and vile because the main persons feelings here who should matter is the individual that has been harmed, and that’s what I’m worried I have done :( I don’t know how to cope or what to do. If I found out I had committed those disgusting acts and they were indeed real, I wouldn’t want to live, because I don’t want to live knowing I was able to do those unforgivable actions towards someone. I am so so scared, I really don’t want to have done anything to this person and I’m terrified I’m lying about it and in denial. Even now as I type these sentences I feel strange and that every word I’m typing is just me falling further and further into denial and running with the life to try and make myself feel better.  However, if I did know I had committed these actions / false memories, then why would I also be having thoughts to “check to see whether I’ve carried out these actions”. As in, if these were actions I KNEW I had done and was actively choosing to lie about them, then why would I also be having thoughts to check if I’ve done said behaviours? Does that make sense? Do you think I’m lying when I say I’m not sure whether I have done anything to / with her? Do you think I have done those disgusting acts to / with her? Do you think those false memories are false memories fabricated by OCD, or do you think they’re real and did in fact occur?

My life has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on. I (15M) did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect. I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. How can I ever move on?Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.