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Hi my name is Haley. This is my first time using NOCD. I'm reaching out to talk about my trama and what has been bothering me for a very very long time. I don't like being judged. So this is a no judgement zone. I have been through hell for as long as I can remember. From All 4 abuse categories. From also losing my baby 2 years ago and from the nightmares. I need help and I'm admitting that. I have an appointment scheduled Monday with a therapist on this app. I would like some advice. Please and ty

Fear of spiraling. Losing control. Harm ocd. I just had to have a c section yesterday and everything has spiked. I’m just hoping for some positive words to get me through this difficult time. Maybe some mantras that have helped you stay positive? Reminders this is temporary? Hopefully not reassurance seeking but just needing some outside positivity

I’m almost 3 months post partum. My baby was in the nicu for about 3 1/2 weeks after birth so we had a rough start. A couple nights after I brought her home I woke up for one of her middle of the night feeds. I made her bottle as usual and started feeding her. I was just looking at her and was all of a sudden bombarded by all of these terrifying thoughts like “what if I stab her.” I was so panicked and nauseated to the point of throwing up. I just knew those intrusive thoughts were the beginning of post partum psychosis and I was going to do something terrible to myself or my baby while in the psychosis. I couldn’t go back to sleep and just cried and cried the next day. I saw my obgyn and was prescribed 25mg of Zoloft and 5mg of buspar. Each day that passed after that I started to feel a letter better. Then I got my first post partum period. After my period I started having panick attacks and terrible chest pains. I thought I was having a heart attack so I saw a doctor who ran some tests. Everything came back completely normal and was told I’m just having severe anxiety and am under a lot of stress. So I saw my obgyn again and she upped my Zoloft to 50mg and my buspar to 15mg. The first few days were terrible. I thought I was having a bad reaction to the medication my anxiety was through the roof and I felt absolutely hopeless. My harm ocd was so bad. I thought I was going to take my own life. Not because I wanted to but because I just felt so hopeless. I moved back in with my parents so that there was eyes on me at all times. I was still scared I was going to go into a psychosis and hurt my baby. I felt better after a few days and the medication had started working again. I felt completely normal up until my 2nd post partum period. I’m ten days off of my period and now I’m back at square one. My harm ocd has spiraled. I’m having terrible intrusive thoughts about hurting my baby. I know now I’m not going to go into a psychosis because if I was going to I would have already. When I’m having these thoughts and they don’t make me nauseous I start to obsess over whether or not I’m a dangerous person or capable of being violent. Now I’m stuck on that. The fact that I’m not dwelling on the intrusive thoughts the way I used to has made me question if post partum has turned me into a psychopath or sociopath. I question all of my emotions and wonder if I’m actually feeling the way I think I do or wondering if they’re generic emotions. I’m ferried. Please help.

i see so many stories of mothers going through postpartum psychosis and then harming their children and it scares me so bad to the point idk if i want to have kids. what if that happens to me when/if i have children? anyone else have this fear :(

Please help me… i get the most horrible sad feelings around my little girl… and my suicidal ocd goes crazy when im alone with her… I can’t do this… i can’t keep having horrible thoughts/feelings/urges especially suicidal ocd around my little girl!

Lately since my obsession started (which has gotten out of control). I have not been able to function. I keep forgetting to do certain things. Forget where I put things, remembering certain dates. I am a mom to 2 beautiful kids. and I can’t even give my kids or husband the love they deserve bc of OCD. I feel terrible. I feel like my husband is going to eventually get tired of me and leave me. It’s sucks bc he has no idea how OCD affects the life of some many people. Some people have some forms, they can just let go quickly. But OCD like ours is another beast. Would not with this on my worst enemy.

I developed ocd only after having my first baby. Postpartum ocd. It never went away and i’ve had it on and off ever since. I have a question..If you are so focused and stuck on an intrusive thought and you tell yourself over and over “it isn’t real because you’ve never had these kind of thoughts before it’s just the ocd” and then suddenly a random memory pops up from before the baby but this time its different than you remember and now you are having an ocd thought in the memory but you know you never had ocd before the baby..can ocd change a memory and add something to it to fit the lie the ocd is trying to convince you of? Has this happened to anyone else?

I struggled with severe ocd since I was in 2nd grade and now I’m turning 19 so I’ve had it basically my whole life, I’ve had it bc my dad abused my mom when I was little all the way up until I was a teenager and it really hurts me and affects my life. I have intrusive thoughts and images of loved ones getting hurt and I constantly overthink about my relationship and it got worst since I became a mother bc I ALWAYS worry about my daughter and I’m scared and it makes me panic I always think that if I listen to certain songs,take showers,get cute,put on certain clothes,or just take care of myself in general that something will happen and it makes my mental health worse and i have severe anxiety I struggled with pyschosis for 2 weeks and addiction to pills I don’t have money to get a therapist or even health insurance please help me how to stop it bc even when I try to let the thoughts pass through it hurts me and makes me freeze and not even be able to breathe bc of it and I can’t even say certain words bc I overthink that something will happen and it makes me want to take my life

Hi, I have just found this support page. I am always researching and looking for people that understand what I go though. I am 38years old, I have never been diagnosed with Harm OCD as I don’t think many therapists understand it. I was diagnosed with PND when my twins were 6 months old this was nearly 16 years ago and I was only 23. This started when I was visiting my mum. I was watching a movie and a lady got her throat slit the next night I felt really weird, couldn’t eat my dinner and just hid in my bedroom I felt absolutely terrified that the images I had seen I was going to do to my babies I had no idea what was going on! I was worried that I was going crazy and that I was going to harm my children ( I also had a 3 yr old at the time) I could not go near them, I could not go into the kitchen where there was knives. I just wanted to be but to sleep until they figured out what was wrong with me so I didn’t feel all these horrible feelings! My mum took me to a doctor the next day they did a heap of test and started me on Effexor, they gave me Valium as well but my mum had to administer that to me. I saw a Therapist as well at the time and i basically just lived in the 4 walls of my mums spare room for 4 weeks because I was that scared I was going to do something so horrible to my babies. My mum looked after my babies until I felt ok to be around them. I then moved back home 2 hours away from mums with my partner who was supportive. I kept seeing a psychologist for awhile after that but some how I became able to cope again. I went on living my life it was so long ago I can’t remember that well but my partner was killed in a car accident the next year as it was a really hard time for me my anxiety did not return. 6 years later I had 2 more children with my partner at the time. I was worried that my PND would come back but the doctor said I could stay on my medication and so I did. I was totally fine I would have thoughts but that’s all they were, they didn’t consume me. 6 years after that I wanted to try a different medication and my doctor was ok with it. So I begun the process, about 2 weeks after I was changing medication I felt it all coming back to me I rang a friends a couple of days after as my anxiety was getting to much for me to cope with and asked her to take me to hospital. She did and they gave me a diazepam to calm me down I did not want to go home as I was worried once again that I was going to do something so horribly unthinkable to my children . I stayed in hospital that night , I did a Skype call with a psychologist where they asked for my partners information so they could call him and ask if he had any concerns or if I had ever been violent toward the kids. My doctor came to see me as well and told me I’m the sanest person he’s ever met but I wasn’t convinced. I called my mum to come and stay with me, she did but when it came time for her to go home I begged her to stay like sobbing uncontrollably! In the end I ended up packing myself and my kids up and I went to stay at mums and my sisters looked after my kids for me . I got into see a psychiatrist straight away, I was so relieved that I was getting help but it wasn’t an instant relief from all the crippling anxiety I was feeling. The psychiatrist ended up changing me back to the old medication I was on before I had decided to chance. I told the psychiatrist everything! It felt like I had a devil inside me telling me I was going to do all these horrible things! I was worried that I was in a psychosis, I was worried I was going mad and that I would end up locked in a mental institution for the rest of my life but at the time I was ok with that as long as it wasn’t jail because I had harmed my children. It broke my heart to leave my children but at the time I felt it was the safest option. After 2 weeks my medication had started working again and I had built up the courage to go home. I struggled so much! I was scared every day. My partner at the time was not supportive at all so I ended up packing up my kids and moving back home closer to my family where I have support. I was still in contact with my psychiatrist and I was making progress, the move home helped me a lot. Although I was a single parent now of 5 children I was determined to get better and face my fears. Now 4 years on I still struggle with my thoughts some days are easier than others I avoid caffeine, alcohol and anything else that might make me feel like I’m going to have an anxiety attack. I still regularly take diazepam and don’t usually leave the house without it. I came off my sleeping tablets and now only take melatonin at night to help me sleep. I basically face my fears every day and it’s tiring. Every day is a struggle but every day I hope that I get a little bit better. I am not as well as I would like to be and this is the reason why I am sharing my story for hope that there is anyone else out there that can help me. I have 5 beautiful amazing children that I am so very proud of every day. I work part time as a disability support worker and I love all my children unconditionally they are my whole world. Any suggestions or support would be greatly appreciative. Thank you xx

I honestly can’t deal with this anymore. I have a 2 year old who needs me, a partner and family who love me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to leave my family behind. I just wish there was a magical fucking cure to heal me!! I can’t confess anymore because my partner put up his boundaries. And literally drowning in thoughts. I haven’t stopped obsessing about these things for days on end like the whole time I’m awake, till the moment I fall asleep. I never get a break. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m over living a life that doesn’t even feel like I’m living. I’ll probably just be stuck this way forever so what’s the point… I know that sounds selfish but I can’t help my feelings. I cry every day almost. Had a full on mental breakdown today. Feel so fucking bad. Feel so guilty for these thoughts. I literally have been in the backyard screaming like I’m dying over these thoughts for atleast an hour today. My daughter hears all of this from inside. I’m a terrible mum and a terrible partner and a terrible everything. Everyone would be better off without me.

I found out my mom was molested by her dad when she was little. My parents got a divorce when I was a teen and my grandpa became like my dad. He was a well respected man and he was a little weird but I chalked it up to him just being a dirty old man (when he would joke about things). My mom started having flash backs later in life and blocked them out. I was so sad to know this happened to her and that it happened at the hands of some I loved and trusted. Now I want to be a mom but I am afraid of someone hurting my kids. My grandpa has passed away but I have OCD and my intrusive thoughts are: what if someone I love and trust does this to my kids? I love and trust my husband and he is an amazing guy for an example but I over analyze things like the dog sitting on his lap and stuff like that. We talked about me going to therapy and my husband said hell come with me but I keep having bad experiences with therapists so I was wondering if anyone has any advice for me? I want to be a good mom and let the past go but im worried im going to overanayalze everything and that scares me because my friends, family, and husband don’t deserve me thinking horrible things

I’m having very bad anxiety/ocd about myself as a mom. I struggle with harm ocd but have gotten SO much better. But of course, it always finds a way to show up. I have a 3 year old and sometimes when he gives me a hug, I don’t get the “warm and fuzzies” and that’s bothering me so bad. I asked my husband if he does every time and he said yes. So now I’m really freaking anxious that it must mean I’m a bad mom or I don’t love my son because I don’t always feel that way when we hug. Now because I’m paying attention to that, when we hug.. I focus the whole time on if I feel it or not which then I feel like ruins it. I know all of this probably sounds silly. But I’m just bothered that I don’t feel that.

I’m not sure if anyone else goes through this or if it’s normal for PPOCD. But when my ocd flares up , it makes me feel less attached to my baby and gives me a ton of anxiety. I also feel like my ocd jumps to a lot of different themes. Will PPOCD last forever ?

I struggled after my first baby with an intense fear of possibly being able to leave my family or get post partum depression. Went to have another but so traumatized and plagued by this thought and don’t want to have these fears with number two. Hard to hear horror stories . I am looking for someone who has a similar story and wants to share how ERP successfully helped them with it for a future pregnancy.

Just curious if anyone here has any success recovering from OCD without medication? I'm about 3 months post meds and having a tough day and it's making me second guess my decision. I will say I'm 7 wk pregnant and think feeling so sick and anxious about having my first is playing a part.

Hi! I am expecting and while I'm super excited, I'm also worried about having OCD and experiencing the post partum period that everyone makes sound like the lowest point of one's life. I'd love to hear from other mom's with OCD. Could really use some positive stories or tips! I'm pretty scared.

I want to beat OCD/GAD? because I'm tired of being this shell of my former self. My brain has been hollowed out by the chainsaw of fears while my body remains fixed in place, unable to run. I once loved to sing and write. I once remembered conversations with others. I once was actually able to hold them myself. Now, I can barely complete coherent sentences without my thoughts veering off. My OCD leaves me exhausted. It's so hard to feel rested when you think something awful is going to happen all the time. I have started to affectionately call it Chicken Little Syndrome. However, it doesn't deserve any affection. I am supposed to be savoring the little songs my toddler sings or the jokes my husband cracks, but I am worrying about making ends meet or about inadvertently not being able to help my patients. Why did I have such issues with time management last shift? Why couldn't I focus on other simple tasks? People have shown me so much love and I can't even think of the proper way to respond, nevermind coming up with something clever, eloquent, or creative. I am a shell. A chainsaw of fear. My family is so good. They deserve to have me back.

I just want to obsess and attach a whole story. What if I’m stuck this way. What if I go crazy and can’t remember what I’ve done. What if I stop loving God and turn to new age and I become evil and start hurting people. I just can’t. I have never thought I was evil. My entire life until I had my daughter and my mind told me she was of the devil. I was so mad at myself. How could I think about my precious gift this way? And now I’m so clueless as to why I even exist and how could this happen. It’s like nothing is real an tangible anymore. I feel like everything is such a blur in this life. I want God to be real. He has always been my whole life. It even makes 100% sense to me at the same it doesn’t 😭 I didn’t waver on my beliefs at all before this kid and it’s like me thinking about her like that has caused me so many problems along with horrible side effects from meds that made me see things in slow motion. I’m in therapy but it’s take so long to heal and for me to love my life and me again. I feel like I look at my self and think. You can’t trust you anymore. This world too has turned upside down to me. I am just so heartbroken. I want to be a good person an it seems like I’m going to turn evil any second and I’ve never been purposely evil or mean to anyone. I got bullied as a kid. 😢. I feel like I’m losing my identity an understand who I am.