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Was wondering if anyone liked to share how they deal with Severe rumination and anxiety , as I’m always looking to Add to my tool box . Thanks 🙏

I remember days when just making it through seemed insurmountable. I remember moments when I didn’t know if I could go on. I remember going to the ER just two and a half months ago. Now I have my life back from OCD, and it was all worth it. While living with SI themed OCD has been a roller coaster, and I still have easier & harder days, I am excited to have my life back from OCD. I feel stronger than ever, and resilient, and feel competent to face whatever OCD throws at me. I would encourage you if you’re struggling, don’t give up, take it moment by moment. Have faith, ERP does work. You will experience that the thoughts become less frequent and less intense & you can live a meaningful life despite OCD.

Has anyone else experienced moments where they find themselves on “auto-pilot,” checking or testing themselves without consciously intending to? I just had an experience where I almost acted in a way I wouldn’t, but during the moment, I didn’t feel any anxiety. It wasn’t until after I pulled away that I began to panic and felt really confused. It felt like I was testing myself, but it also made me question if I was close to actually doing it or if it was a compulsion I did subconsciously. It was a very strange and unsettling experience. I’m confused, scared, and in tears. Curious if others have encountered similar situations?

Let’s start with today. I went back to work today to the company I have been with for 22 years. I thought for the past couple of years that my job was sucking the life out of me…it was another three letter word…OCD. Today I drove to the office, interacted with coworkers, handled sharp knives, etc - all things I had completely stopped doing 5.5 months ago. In June, I started having repetitive thoughts and urges of suicide and was hospitalized. I had previously been diagnosed with GAD, panic disorder and PTSD and then had MDD added on to that for suicidal ideation. After 5 days and some horrifying meds, I discharged, feeling worse than when I had arrived at the hospital. I took a medical leave of absence from work and started seeing two therapists a week and enrolled in a substance abuse program for alcohol. And I declined and continued declining for 3 months. During that time, I started having thoughts of hitting pedestrians with my car so I stopped driving. I had thoughts of slitting my wrists with our kitchen knives, so we locked those away. I couldn’t sleep and could barely eat. I could drag myself to my Zoom therapy sessions - that was about it. I had to switch to virtual sessions because I had thoughts of jumping off a 4 story building and no longer felt safe going into buildings with more than one floor. I couldn’t be left home alone so I would go wherever my husband was going and wait in the car. I had thoughts of throwing myself out of the car, smashing my toes in the car door, and throwing myself in front of cars. I had thoughts of jumping out of trees, drinking bleach and drowning myself. I would often lay on the bed in my husband’s office while he worked, just so I wouldn’t be alone with all of those terrifying thoughts. I even hid in my closet at times. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, I had my first thoughts of killing my husband and son. That was too much and in a fit of rage and resignation, I attempted to take my own life to stop the thoughts and spare those around me. I was not successful and ended up hospitalized again. I finally admitted that I had been having thoughts of harming others and a social worker in the ER recognized it for what it was - ego dystonic OCD. After a not awesome second hospitalization, I went into a 4 week OCD specific IOP and therapy twice a week after that through NOCD. Proper diagnosis, treatment and medication turned my life completely around in 2.5 months. ERP every thought, all day, every day. Power of choice.

My OCD keeps telling me I don’t love my family more than anything, that I want them gone or want to leave them. But I love them more than anything and would never leave them. I’m scared God will listen to my thoughts and take them away from me or I might hurt them. The thoughts are so overwhelming that I have suicidal thoughts. I just want it all to stop. I love my family so so much and my soul is so tired of this. I don’t want them to get hurt because of me. I hate myself, I hate my OCD. I don’t know if I can deal with this anymore. Still, I know I probably won’t kill myself because I’m too afraid and don’t want to make my family sad. What should I do?

My ocd is ruining my relationship with my kids. Because of the intrusive thoughts I avoid being close to them, hugging or cuddling up to watch tv. My ocd is either telling me I wouldn’t care if harm came to them or it turns everything into something sexual or inappropriate. For example, my daughter wanted to show me how long her nails are so she started scratching my arm gently. It felt so nice and relaxing and I immediately panicked because I was scared the ocd would cause a groinal and I don’t ever, ever want a feeling like that connected with my child even though I know it’s the ocd causing it and not me i’d still feel horrible. I just want to be a normal loving affectionate mom and I can never be that for my kids because of ocd😪 I don’t see any other parents posting about going through this or commenting that they do and how they cope. I feel so alone and defeated.

It’s turning into this sort of real event OCD where I’ll remember something I thought of months or years ago and shrugged off except now I’m consumed by guilt and panic for not caring back then. Like the whole what if thinking that and not reacting or just being like whatever means I was really a terrible person and I just now grew a conscience? It’s not even past actions, it’s all about what has come to my mind before. I used to just be like “okay anyway” sometimes I’d let the thought play out and then just move on. But now I think I recognize them as intrusive and I feel shame and guilt for not caring to question them in the past. I think in developing some new theme or something if that’s what real event ocd is? Help?

Hi Everyone, Im new to the site and just wanted to share a bit about my OCD story. Between the ages of 10-12 i had my first OCD episode, (of course didnt know it was OCD), this came in the form of thinking of past events and other things and the anxiety got so bad i had to tell my mum, due to how frequent and how bad these thoughts got it upset my mum badly and the main thing i remember is her saying ‘are you just trying to get my attention!’… she took me to the doctors, i have no idea what was said because they sent me out of the room. After this i felt i couldnt speak to anyone about anything like this ever again. Ive had thoughts all my life which again didnt know it was OCD, it all just became normal to me, i had a lot of different thoughts throughout the years e.g i was pregnant even though i had not been intimate with anyone, any kind of blood i saw even from far away had given me HIV, the end of the world, if i wore the colour black to bed i would die, i had to speak in a certain accent in drama class one time or my family will die… the list goes on, some of these are will me now still. October this year i had a breakdown due to what i now know to be POCD… it got me to the point i didnt want to be here anymore… i finally spoke to my girlfriend about it who did some researching and said it must be OCD, after doing some research of my own it all started clicking and falling into place. I have good days, okay days and rubbish days, my thoughts have calmed down since going on SSRI’s, but they do pop up every now and again, i am questioning myself constantly though due to the thoughts going quiet, ‘is it actually OCD’, ‘what if it isnt’… its driving me insane… so yeah thats a bit about me!!

by having to remind myself "I'm not supposed to care about that" in order to try to fix my ocd thought patterns and it's like... the things I'm supposed to "not care about" is my whole fucking identity and everything that matters to me in my life. I'm basically having knives stabbed into my back constantly and being told that the way to solve that problem is to ignore it. Like okay I've been doing my best to ignore it for YEARS and it won't work, it's only been getting worse and worse, even if I get it to stop for a while it only ever comes back worse and every single time it feels like it COULDNT possibly get worse but it DOES. I feel like I'm just so tired and I'll never ever sleep. Like, I'm literally not even safe from intrusive thoughts in my dreams. It's everywhere all the time getting in the way of any chance I have to feel happy and I cope but I'm fucking tired of coping.

I have been dealing with the ocd intrusive thought theme of thinking a person from a race looks similar to another person from the same race for a long time now but it’s been occurring a lot more recently. I am mixed race myself (Jamaican black and white British) and know that I myself am not racist but I am also aware that not being fundamentally racist doesn’t mean that a person can’t or doesn’t have racial prejudice within them as it is highly unavoidable. I know that I don’t think that all black people look the same and that that is racist but am I racist for this: I was watching a video on TikTok and one of my friends posted a video of her and some friends dancing and I thought one of the girls looked similar to a popular black celebrity journalist. I thought they looked similar because they were possibly both the same ethnicity- as in from the same tribe or country as some of my other black friends have said that someone they don’t know looks Nigerian or Congolese etc and that wasn’t racist. I decided to find out the ethnicity of the journalist and found out she was Nigerian and I thought she was Congolese which made it worse because I thought she was Congolese which made me think I thought all Congolese people have to look a certain way. I know that it’s not racist to think two people even if they’re from the same race look the same. I’m just quite stressed to be honest and can’t get this thought/ topic out of my head at the minute as this topic is quite persistent at the moment. PS: does anyone else’s intrusive thoughts come in topics from time to time and then move on??

on friday i went to london for a football game with my dad and sister, the game was saturday so we made a weekend out of it. during the match i had intrusive thoughts, lots of children were around and every time id look at one i’d have to tell myself im not attracted and preoccupy my brain. i managed to do well ignoring the ones i did have but today one of the thoughts has came back to hit me. i remembered my therapist said a p wouldn’t share their thoughts and would keep them hidden so i had to tell my mum abt the intrusive thought bc if i didng it would mean im hiding it which would make me one and now im disappointed in myself for it bc i’ve realised its a compulsion. i cannot escape this no matter how hard i try. it fully feels like this isnt ocd and that im putting up a front to make it seem like it is

My therapist isn’t specialized in OCD. I’m her first OCD client. She told me she’s taking courses in ERP and specifically sexual OCD since a lot of my themes are sexual in nature. I want help, I need help. It feels like every time I meet with her I get set back. I make progress a lot on my own. Sitting with discomfort, trying to accept the thoughts and uncertainty. But every single time I meet with her, it feels like I’m explaining OCD to her. She even went as far as to suggest that some of my thoughts that bring me distress are mine. I am not a cheater. They are not mine. Why on earth would they not be intrusive if I was in tears about having this thought? I feel bad. I really do because I can see that even though I can very much see her mistakes, I can also see that she’s trying to help me. I’m just so scared of getting worse. I’ve been in therapy for 5 weeks now. I feel like had it been with a specialist, I would be doing so much better. Instead it takes me days to come backs to whatever progress I’ve made alone after meeting with her. She’s a great person, she tells me she experiences intrusive thoughts too and she doesn’t have OCD which helps me feel less alone but I don’t think that’s enough for me. She’s always available for a call whenever I’m in extreme panic. I just don’t think this is working. I trust her and I tell her everything, but it feels like she’s just listening to me talk the whole time. We’re doing a workbook but she gives me absolutely 0 input. I just read my replies and she just sits there. I don’t understand the point in that. I feel so anxious right now. She wants me to get properly evaluated for anything that may be going on because on top of the severe OCD, I was also diagnosed with PMDD, GAD, and MDD by my primary care doctor but I guess she doesn’t trust those diagnoses? My psychiatrist also told me I have ADHD, which I’ve suspected my whole life but it sounds like my therapist doesn’t know how to handle OCD much less OCD, MDD, GAD, PMDD, and ADHD. She’s questioning the validity of my diagnoses instead of helping me figure out how to deal with all of it. This is so suffocatingly difficult. I’m also a huge people pleaser so how on earth do I end this thing?

TW: Sexual trauma, Child abuse, I've been dealing with not so great things that have likely been a result of my crappy childhood. Themes of helpness, power imbalance, extreme humiliation and dehumanization, abuse, punishment have been things that have attracted me. The worse the senario the more aroused I feel even if I'm morally opposed to it. Of course my OCD has taken this and run with it demanding me to prove I'm still a moral person, that I don't actually want to do something illegal to someone or a kid or something etc. That I can't just ignore or dismiss these thoughts and feelings because if I do I'll just become okay with it and god knows what I'll do. At this point I'm not sure if I have OCD and/or an egodystonic paraphilia. I know the brain can come up with royally messed up fantasies and kinks to help the brain process the trauma. But what if I was just predisposed to enjoy perverted garbage without the trauma? I don't know if I should treat this like a paraphilia or OCD, but regardless I know I do not want to be attracted to these things, hurt anyone or be a immoral person. Sometimes I get depressed and wonder if I even deserve to live if I do find out I'm a pedo or a monster or something bad. Just to be clear I'm not going to hurt or off myself, I couldn't do that to my parents who knows all about what I've been going through. Any advice for how I could look at this without giving myself reassurance?

I haven’t been on this app for quite a long time. I could go about my day without thinking about ocd and actually focus on things in my life for the past few months. I haven’t been on meds and going to therapy. But recently my ocd flared up due to the pressure of dealing with pre-college stuff. And it has gone worst than I’ve remembered. I feel so dissociated with myself. I don’t even have a ‘gut feeling’ anymore, and I genuinely couldn’t trust myself. The context of the intrusive thoughts are so absurd and disturbing. It feels like it’s eating me up and I’m becoming a mindless zombie. It’s just so traumatic.

Does anyone else ever like have so many POCD thoughts that it makes it hard to comprehend age in general anymore? Because I recently turned 18 three months ago and so obviously I’m like “15 yr olds are now kids” and whatever. But I started to get so many intrusive thoughts about it that most of the time when I hear someone is 15 or imagine a fictional 15 yr old in my head, my brain processes it as 15 year olds not being kids and being more mature than they are in reality and then feel arousal/attraction. And I know that’s not like… how 15 year olds really *are* so I’ll be like “oh no, they’re actually more immature and mentally undeveloped than that so it’s gross” but sometimes I can’t focus enough bcuz of anxiety or brain fog or just plain being tired to ‘fix’ my thoughts so I get stuck and feel really bad because I feel like a pedo or a creep. My friends have told me I’m not because it’s not an accurate representation of reality, so it’s just my brain imagining something that’s not true, getting confused, and finding this false perception attractive, not actual 15 yr olds. But I feel like I shouldn’t be messing up my thoughts about them this much and that my ocd which is the root cause of my messed up perception/processing of my own thoughts is making me into a creep (despite the fact I know I’d never do anything in reality because the reality of 15 yr olds aren’t hot to me) and I feel so bad when I’m unable to make the thoughts right because I feel like it’s not normal to think this way. And when I try to ‘not care’ because it’s just thoughts and people aren’t perfect, and those even without ocd sometimes will process information wrong or brains mess up cuz you’re tired and aren’t thinking straight, I still end up feeling bad and like wrong. And sometimes my brain gets confused and is like “is this actually just me wanting to like 15 year olds? or not actually caring about age and this just being how I actually view them and not caring the reality is that they’re kids because I want a weird fantasy of them or something?? Cuz 15 is a confusing age where they’re not quite middle schoolers but not like adults either so it feels awkward to me and not quite knowing how to classify them in my head, especially as I’m suddenly 18 and feeling all confused being an adult for the first time + no longer being able to like some of the fictional characters I used to like when I was younger (which I do miss because it was fun but it’s obviously never worth a child’s safety or wellbeing, even if they’re fictional idk)” it just makes me feel weird and scared and uncomfortable and a tad delusional from my own fears and my inability to process information in a normal capacity at times. Does anyone else ever feel like this? (Specifically the inability to comprehend ages and processing them wrong sometimes)?

I was wondering if anyone ever felt like something they did was intentional. For instance, I looked at a guys area and it felt intentional or automatic at the time and afterwards I felt extreme guilt. It felt like my eyes was fighting not to look but slowly just started too.

Hi everyone, I'm new to the app and this is my first time posting. I just wanted to see if folks could relate. I've struggled off and on with POCD for about 12 years. I also really struggle with false memories, thinking I have done something awfully inappropriate to children and that I just don't remember it. It's been really bad recently and I sometimes worry it's not OCD and that I'm just a terrible person in denial, or that I'm lying to everyone around me. It's so scary because it's so hard to tell what's real and what's not when it comes to my memories because even if I don't have a memory of doing something, it still feels like I have. I was babysitting my 3 year old niece a few months ago and my OCD was already in full swing and making me anxious. I sat on the couch next to her and she asked to sit on my lap so I put her on my lap but I scooched her to the side so then her butt wasn't on my lap and I made sure neither of my hands were touching her. I was so so scared that I was going to experience a gronial response since I was already worried about my OCD so I just couldn't relax because I was afraid that would happen. I did not end up experiencing a gronial response and in that moment I kept telling myself that I'm okay and I'm not doing anything wrong and I'm not experiencing any arousal because I knew I would worry after the fact that I did something wrong. I also just kept thinking to myself I hate this and this is my nightmare. I eventually got up because I couldn't experience the discomfort anymore. Now, after the fact, I am doing exactly what I thought I would. I'm worried I did something inappropriate, I'm worried I felt a gronial response, I'm not trusting any of my memories. It's just so hard and so frustrating. I want to feel normal but it feels so hard to live normally and not be worried if I've done something terrible. Just wanted to reach out to a group that I thought could relate when I'm feeling so alone!

Hello, I wanted to share my experience and recovery journey with OCD, especially for those struggling with intrusive thoughts and anxiety. A few months ago, in August, I experienced a severe flare-up, and it was one of the most difficult times in my life. For context, I’ve always been an anxious person, and I’ve had tendencies that teetered on Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and OCD since I was young. However, this particular episode hit me harder than anything I’d encountered before. I developed intense Harm OCD after hearing a true-crime story from my mom. It only took one narrative, and suddenly I was overwhelmed by waves of anxiety, guilt, shame, and perhaps even anger, though most of it was directed inwardly, making me frustrated with myself and the people around me. I want to share a few insights that have significantly aided in my recovery, with the hope that they may be helpful to others. First, it’s essential to acknowledge that intrusive and obsessive thoughts will likely always be a part of the experience. Though this is uncomfortable and frustrating, accepting this reality is key to managing these thoughts without being overwhelmed by them. This also applies to intrusive emotions and feelings—yes, you can have intrusive emotions too. At my worst, I didn’t feel like myself. I felt utterly disconnected, as though I were a monster unworthy of existing. It took several months of consistent practice to reach a point where I could calmly use phrases like “maybe, maybe not” or simply agree with my intrusive thoughts. For example, in the throes of harm OCD, I would say, “Yes, I might harm my family while they sleep,” or “Sure, that seems like something I might do.” I know these thoughts are deeply unsettling, but it’s important to understand that this approach can be applied to any intrusive thought, feeling, or emotion. For example, with Relationship OCD (ROCD), one might think, “Maybe I will cheat on my partner,” or “Maybe I’m not attracted to them anymore.” The key is to embrace the discomfort and uncertainty. Though it feels terrifying when you’re deep in an obsession, the relief you’ll feel as you learn to live with these thoughts, rather than fight them, is invaluable. I can now go out and engage with others, something that once seemed impossible due to my social anxiety. My ability to navigate the world has improved drastically, and I’ve accepted that, yes, I will likely always have intrusive thoughts and some level of anxiety. I am unmedicated, though I am open to the possibility of medication in the future. However, I want to emphasize that it’s entirely possible to make progress without medication. If I can manage this, I firmly believe you can too. In terms of factors that can exacerbate OCD, being physically unwell has been a trigger for me. When I had the flu, for example, I convinced myself that I had Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) and could not feel emotions. If you’re feeling under the weather, know that your symptoms may intensify. Similarly, certain times of the month can throw off your emotional balance, especially for women. During these times, it’s important to be extra gentle with yourself. Hormonal fluctuations can exacerbate anxiety, so make sure to practice the techniques you’ve learned, even when you don’t feel at your best. It’s also crucial to remember that self-care is foundational in managing OCD. Skipping meals or neglecting basic hygiene can make it more difficult to resist compulsions. Take care of your body—eat, sleep, shower—these simple acts can have a profound impact on your mental well-being. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a close friend going through a hard time. Now, let’s discuss what helps manage OCD: As mentioned earlier, phrases like “maybe, maybe not” can be incredibly effective. These simple affirmations challenge the need for certainty and help disrupt obsessive thinking. I know that when you’re anxious, it can be tempting to avoid situations or interactions that trigger anxiety. However, I urge you to confront those fears head-on. The more you face your anxiety, the less control it will have over you. If you’re struggling with eating, even something as small as a cracker can make a difference. Celebrate small victories—if you resist an obsession once, instead of five times, acknowledge that progress. Above all, remember that self-compassion is vital. On the days when you feel overwhelmed or exhausted, it's okay to rest. You’re not broken. You’re not flawed. You deserve love, even when it’s hard to feel it. Finally, avoid seeking reassurance—especially from yourself. I know it’s tempting to tell yourself, “I would never do that,” but instead, try responding with, “Maybe I would do that. Maybe I wouldn’t.” This approach helps break the cycle of seeking certainty and makes the intrusive thoughts less overpowering. In conclusion, acceptance is not the same as agreement. It’s natural to slip up from time to time, but as you continue practicing these techniques, they will become more effective. I hope this message brings some comfort to anyone who may be struggling. There is a way forward, and you have the strength to reclaim your life. Good luck to all of you on your journey. You are worthy of peace and healing.

At times, my intrusive thoughts get so intense that all I can do is lay frozen in my bed and hope I fall asleep, and usually I do even if I'm not tired. My brain just wears me out and I wanna escape through sleep. (Sadly it doesn't work all the time)

Does anyone know of any rehabilitation centers for mental health? My ocd has gotten bad today to the point where I feel like leaving :( and desperately get help . Ever since I began medication months ago I been feeling fine but all sudden I feel like my episodes are rapidly coming back. I’m more responsive to them. I find myself ruminating more and engaging in compulsions. I feel embarrassed that my family would have to know if I considered making that choice of leaving . It’s never gotten to this breaking point , or at least I don’t think. I’ve been through this a billion times and each time it feels like it’s the worst and it’s gonna be the one that will permanently take over me and my full control. I’m from Elkhart, Indiana. Or if there’s anyone here that can talk to me I’d appreciate it I feel so alone right now and I’m more vulnerable because I’m home alone and I don’t have many friends. I’m scared that I’m gonna lose touch with myself. I don’t wanna lost my values or stop feeling my normal self. It feels real and scary. I want it to stop.