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So someone said someone that was pretty triggering to my OCD but I'm just trying to sit with it. I know that it isn't true but it still bothers me that someone didn't believe what I was going through and thought it was bad for it.

i feel too far gone and like a lost cause like i have left my ocd untreated for too long that it’s peaked or at least i hope it can’t get worse sometimes selfishly i actually think i have the worst ocd anyone’s ever had in the history of ever and that no one is in a greater pain than me its every single second of every single day and even when im asleep its there for the last 2 years i have had a traumatic ocd dream every single night there’s absolutely no escape and i stopped feeling real such a long time ago in retrospect i realised my ocd started when i was 11 and im now 19 and it escalated so fast at a constant incline i dont get respite from my ocd its only ever gotten severely worse it started that i couldn’t see family for one theme and then men for another theme and then children for another theme and then women for another theme which eliminates absolutely everyone in the world i used to be able to make exceptions for my boyfriend and certain friends but now i cant im so scared and isolated i cant watch shows or films because of triggers i cant listen to certain songs for fear of manifesting the lyrics and i cant even sit in peace and let me ocd thoughts be and feel the discomfort as a form of recovery because im convinced dead people that i know can hear my thoughts and they don’t understand ocd because other than cleaning and liking order they would never have heard of it so im constantly having intrusive thoughts and explaining them away to the “people listening” i’ve never felt more suicidal in my entire life and i’ve attempted suicide about 5 or 6 times and even then i didn’t feel half of what im feeling now but i was younger than and didn’t have empathy for the hurt id be leaving behind and now knowing how selfish it is i can’t do it but its all i ever think about and the only thing that helps me feel better during a flare up is imagining hurting myself in the worst possible ways and dying and that’s what gets me out of the house is the hope that someone might stab me or run me over with a bus or truck or that i might get beaten to death by someone in an episode and when im not thinking that over my intrusive ocd thoughts im praying and hoping that i get a brain tumour that gives me 6weeks to live or that the stress and pain of my ocd will induce a heart attack or a stroke and i die that way so that im not the one causing the hurt after i die

My last and almost life long theme/sub-theme largely subsided recently and my ocd felt like it wasn’t even an issue. Then I went on winter break from uni and being alone made my mind come up with a whole new topic to obsess over. TLDR on my fears, my advisor wouldn’t email me back for a while about signing up for classes so my mind started to worry “what if he doesn’t in time and you can’t enroll this semester and you lose this whole life you just built and all these new friends” So when that issue was resolved my mind found other scarier ways I could be uprooted from my current life and friends that I’ve grown so attached to. Then my mind remembered back when I was struggling with false memories and scrupulosity and I essentially made a post on a forum 2 and a half years ago saying I did something or was convinced I did something that I never actually did. Now I’ve been spiraling about someone finding it reporting me and I either get seen as a horrible person or arrested or something over something I never actually did but “admitted” to out of fear of going to hell. My mind won’t let it go and keeps finding new reasons for it to be “valid” “logical” or even inevitable. I feel like it’s just hanging over my head and I can never rest easy. Especially when I try to focus on my daily tasks or plan for the future I get this horrible flair up of “why plan for the future when this could come back in that future and you get uprooted from all of it” my mind won’t rest without certainty being uprooted won’t happen but certainty doesn’t exist, at least not with ocd. This sucks and I miss being care free.

Does anyone want to share any success stories or things they’ve overcome in their ocd journey? My ocd has gone in waves from all consuming to being on the back burner throughout my life. I’m in a bad spot now and need some reminders that things do get better. I’ve seen it for myself, but it’s hard when you’re in the thick of it to remember.

Idk what else to title this. I was watching a film cooper video cuz why not and he mentioned smthn about wall paper customization and icons and stuff and I just kinda had a groinal response followed by the memory of me having my first crush on a woman (my friend at the time) that helped me figure out that I’m bi and I felt kinda intensely for her but that’s cuz a) it was new and b) we were kinda on again off again friends who haven’t spoken in a few years now and I’m over her entirely. It was toxic I think. She was too much like the person who bullied me in elementary school (they were friends as well so my mom made me cut her off which is. Fair. Made me really sad but eh that’s life) I saw her at prom cuz someone brought her. It was nice to see her but yeah that was it. And now I’m mentally comparing what I felt for women in the past (idk intense crush, listening to a lot of gay songs (think she by dodie) dressing semi masc cuz funky, we had nicknames for each other despite not dating or anything) to men (less intense crush but still big crush, I’ve only dated and kissed men so sparks rhere) and now I’m just slightly nauseous and worried that I don’t like men as much as I like women but I think that’s normal for any bi person? To have different levels of attraction to different genders? Idk I feel gross and icky now like I shouldn’t even be thinking about it or her cuz I have a bf. And I do look fondly upon it, now I’m nervous cuz I got more excited about her calling me a specific nickname than I do from my bf calling me honey even at the beginning? Honey felt more traditional and I love it but we do switch around nicknames and it’s always nice, not many butterflies anymore, and sometimes I get anxious when he does lately, if it’s a nickname in Portuguese. Or if he called me a shortened version of my name. What does that mean? I’m nervous now. I was doing half decently today now I’m nauseous again. I’m worried that cuz I liked the nicknames she and I had that means I don’t like the ones my bf and I have and that I just don’t like him or men cuz I’ve been feeling off around him. But I love when he calls me honey, it still feels good when he does it now but no butterflies. Idk what’s wrong with me. Is it even ocd at this point. Even if I do like women slightly more it doesn’t erase that I love my bf. I’m worried I’m leaning too much towards women tho and I’m a lesbian. Idk if my bi cycle is cycling or if I’m just a lesbian entirely cuz I don’t feel much when my bf takes off his shirt, sex feels different, and things feel stale and slow. But maybe that’s cuz I’m checking and comparing. Now I’m anxious fuck. I’m trying not to think about her idk why. I’m worried I still find her attractive or am attracted to her or smthn. She’s in my city. I didn’t care before but now I do. Or if I think about her I’ll think about other women and will only want to have sec with women which not really tbh. I wanna be able to enjoy sec with my bf. It just hasn’t felt right lately cuz I’ve been so depressed and obsessive. I wasn’t obsessing much last night when we had sex but it still didn’t feel passionate. It didn’t feel uncomfortable but I thought it’d be more? Idk. I know it’s normal to not feel him inside me cuz the vagina isn’t very nerved up compared to the clitoris but it felt like more the motions. But tbh. I needed it. Idk I wanted to have sex and it was a nice stress relief. I just didn’t feel butterflies which kinda bummed me out but we’ve been having sex since august so that’s normal. Idk. I haven’t been able to fantasize about sex. The fact that I’m bi makes all of this so confusing. Cuz yes hypothetically I can enjoy the thought of sex with a woman. But I don’t want to rn cuz I’m dating a man. And I can’t fantasize about sex with him cuz I’m getting intrusive thoughts about my friends and I having sex. I have this urge to watch porn cuz it’s been a while but I’m not going to. I’ve cut down a lot on masturbation. Partially cuz this partially cuz I wanna do things with my bf (when I’m mentally ok) but jow my brain is saying “Oo you think all these women are so hot you’re gonna go feral blah blah blah” and yes women are hot but I don’t wanna have sex with a woman. Idk saying women are hot doesn’t bring me anxiety but the thought of sex with one or leaving my bf and saying I’m a lesbian bother me. Cuz I know it’s not true. I love him I know that. I’d be happy if we stayed together. I wouldn’t regret a thing honestly. I like having sex with him. Idc if it’s not like porn or the movies. As long as I’m being pleasured and he’s being pleasured we’re good. That’s what sex is about. I think the loss of butterflies is normal cuz the excitement of like (sorry tmi) fingering and oral eventually wears off right? But still feels good. I don’t feel as excited about intimacy anymore cuz we have done it so often but it still feels nice. But my brain perceives that as me not liking sex with men and therefore I’m gay. No I just don’t feel the need to jump his bones every single time I see him?? Idk the friend thing is bothering me. Idk if I feel any joy behind it. The groinal response really really throws my perception off

I’ve been feeling the urge to avoid intimacy or purposefully engage (for reassurance that I won’t give into a compulsion) because of intrusive thoughts and fear that I’ll “check/test” my reactions. My OCD is making me so scared that I’ll purposefully think of a child and try to see if I like it. It’s so complicated but I guess I’m mentally checking if I would mentally check during intimacy. I’ve even envisioned myself checking and it’s making me so nauseous. I know it’s a compulsion like any other but the sound of “touching yourself to the thought of a child” sounds atrocious and vile. I’m terrified I’ll automatically start checking next time I am being intimate. I truly feel so worried. If anyone has gone through something similar, I’d appreciate hearing your experience. Or if anyone has any advice?

My OCD is getting better but i get random intrusive thoughts ranging from different subtypes, like i’ll be enjoying life and randomly get a rlly depressing thought that makes me afraid because i don’t want to believe the thought, and then the next second it’s a horrible harm ocd thought or a religious thought or pocd Please no reassurance, it’s just that i was wondering if anyone dealt else dealt with ocd that is rlly random and not just one theme I think this happens when you beat one big theme and OCD starts coming back in smaller ways? Either way, ik the solution, leave the thoughts, accept the uncertainty, don’t do compulsions 😌

I’ve been on Fluvoxamine (LUVOX) since 2015. It has worked wonders for my intrusive thoughts, ever since starting at the lowest dose of 50 MG per day. Over the years I’ve had to gradually increase the dose and for the past year I have been at the max 300 MG per day. Unfortunately, over the past few months, I’ve noticed intrusive thoughts and obsessions coming back. Has anyone else taken Luvox for a long period of time and then had it just stop working? If so, what medication did you try next that seemed to work as well as Luvox?

Can anyone relate? I have a fear of going crazy and hearing things, I'm in a spiral atm but I've gone through my videos and I've been recording sounds for so long and never thought anything of it. Always to make sure I can hear them back. I feel ashamed.

(sorry for long paragraph but please read and give advice🙏) 2-3 months ago i got to a point where my thoughts were too much and i got numb and felt resentment towards God. I used to think “why did God allow this to happen to me” And it was just crazy. Now about a month ago i feel like i started to have ocd left over mind patterns where i guess my mind started having disturbing thoughts by it self? This time it didn’t feel like ocd. It felt like it was me. Truly me. And i didn’t feel guilty over it for a long time. After this I thought i had committed the sin of blasphemy and for a while i didn’t care? Or maybe i did care but since i was tired of having these thoughts i just made myself not care. Then for about 2 weeks i didn’t seek God at all. And all those thoughts in my mind had calmed down and i didn’t have any thoughts for a while. I felt at ease/peace? Idk if that was a good/bad thing. But recently my mom started talking abt how God is coming soon and that we need to be ready. And i told her to stop bc it was getting me nervous js thinking abt it. She told me “why are you scared if all you have to do is seek him” but in my mind i just kept thinking of my circumstance. but i kept saying “i’m sorry God”. Then yesterday morning i was crying to God and letting go of everything i felt bc the day before was a rlly bad day. So i was just crying and also asking for forgiveness. And i felt like God was actually listening to me? I feel like God still loves me but i just don’t get how. And if i’m truly forgiven. bc i keep thinking that i committed the sin of blasphemy. Because i don’t know if i actually care that i did or that if i care that my heart is hardened towards God. Idk what to do. Then i also wonder why i’m still alive after having all those weird thoughts about God. How can he possibly let me live? Am i truly forgiven? Is God not done with me and that’s the reason why i’m alive? or am i alive so God can punish me and do something to me and he’s just waiting for the right moment? Do i truly care? Do I actually want forgiveness? All these questions. Please help me figure all this out.

This is something I've struggled with since around two years ago, when my symptoms started diminishing. I've had symptoms of OCD for my whole life. I only recognized this when I was 18 - but at that point, my symptoms started decreasing. This was distressing because labeling things was one of my compulsions, and I needed labels to fit right. So I'd write out or say that I had OCD over and over again (in addition to compulsively googling symptoms and all that), but it would never feel "right," which would make me think that I didn't actually have OCD. It also felt like my OCD symptoms were a part of me, so it was distressing to feel like I was losing a part of myself. I finally got help when I was 20, at which point my symptoms had decreased substantially. Again, this prevented me from being able to feel secure in the OCD label. I was hoping that a professional diagnosis would help me feel like I legitimately had it, but it didn't. But it's hard for me to differentiate if this is because I couldn't satisfy my compulsions around labels fitting just right or because I didn't feel like I resonated enough with the label. I'm now at a point where my symptoms are subclinical. I've never been able to fully convince myself that I have OCD, despite the severe, extremely distressing symptoms I had for over a decade. Like objectively, I had it. I was a textbook case. It took so much away from me. Severely impacted my academics, personal life, ability to do basic tasks like reading and writing and putting things away and cleaning myself, etc. But because I only sought treatment when things were getting better, it's just hard to feel secure in that. Like, my therapist here has never seen me at my worst. Do they even believe I have/had it? I've been wanting to write an essay or something about my past experiences just to show the world what I was going through when things were bad, because as it stands, all I have are the memories (deleting/throwing away/erasing stuff was also one of my compulsions, so most of the evidence is gone at this point). I feel like I need to share specific examples to prove it to others. My mom always told me I was a perfectionist. If I could just show her a fraction of what I was really going through, maybe she could begin to understand how things really were. Another thing I think about - they say that OCD is supposed to be a chronic thing. So did I ever really have it if I feel like I don't have it anymore? I always make such long posts...

I struggle so bad with intrusive thoughts. They can be so bad that I'll cry because I KNOW that's not how I feel or want to do. (Too embarrassed to say what they're about) I'll constantly try to figure out why I have them, and constantly figure out what they mean, causing me to constantly circle around and around. I had to get on anxeity meds, which helped a little but the thoughts still happen. How do you help yourself with this? How do you know that you're just not some physcopath? 😅

This is awful. I felt like I was doing so much better. Then today, I pretty much started an argument with him under the guise of a wanting to have a conversation about something bothering me. I just wanted to self sabotage and I knew it. I could literally feel the tell-tale anxiety and what-ifs running through my head. I could feel the guilt and the insanely strong desire to just do SOMETHING that would confirm or deny these thoughts. I knew I just need to sit with it, give it a “maybe, maybe not”, but I had a moment of weakness. Anyways. Mid argument I found myself wanting to just end it. Like let’s just be done with this. I’m exhausted. I can tell he’s beyond lost for what to do to help and he’s the sweetest man on the whole planet. He doesn’t deserve this at all. He’s also not a pushover. He’s patient and loving and so understanding, but I don’t think he’ll tolerate much more of this and I don’t blame him. I know OCD makes us feel like we’re juuuuust about to do things we would never do in a million years, but this one really freaked me out. I swear “I don’t love you anymore” was on the tip of my tongue and it felt so real in the moment. It would have completely crushed him. And now that I’m on the other side and out of the heat of the moment, I feel so incredibly guilty. It’s so unbelievably untrue and there would have been no coming back from that. I would have completely ruined our beautiful marriage for literally no reason. Trying to cope with the guilt. Trying to remember my tools from my therapist but just struggling. It’s so scary to feel like you had your mind taken over and it was so close to destroying the thing you care most about. My husband is the man I respect and adore more than anyone I’ve ever met before. He’s the man that showed me how deep my love can go and has made me such a better person. If I don’t love him, I’ve never really loved anything. So WHY would I feel so tempted to say something so horrible? I’m just really, really having a hard time today. I guess the lesson here is to not give into your compulsions. Do I feel less anxious? Yes. Do I feel more sure that I love him? Yes. But do I actually feel any better at all? No. And I dragged him down with me. :(

**TW for anyone who’s like me a picks up new fears** I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts about inappropriately touching people I care about. These thoughts are distressing, and I never act on them, but sometimes I feel this overwhelming tension or urge. To manage it, I end up doing things like lightly smacking someone’s knee or arm, or poking them in a safe spot like their ribs. It feels like it helps release the tension or stop the thoughts. It scares me because I feel like it might mean I’m dangerous, even though I know I would never actually hurt anyone. I’m assuming it’s some sort of compulsion. Does anyone else experience something like this? Any advice or insight would be so helpful—I’m just trying to understand this better.

The guilt that I feel won’t stop and maybe it shouldn’t but when I was 14 and just started highschool (I’m 15 now) I went into highschool with a messed up mindset idk if it was from the pandemic or not but I made friends and afterwards I messaged those friends and made sexual jokes/advances crossed boundaries and made them feel uncomfortable to the point now they don’t ever want to talk to me again and I don’t blame them.I even did the same to a 17 yr old who tood me I s@d him even though I never met him irl but I felt so sick I apologized multiple times but he told me that he was manipulating me the whole time to keep doing THISE bad things so I felt bad later but idk if he was being honest.and I asked my parents to get me therapy like 3 times and they agreed but the first session I told them that I was exposed to explicit content at a young age by my older brother and so was my younger brother and how I cocs@d my little brother when I was 9 and my therapist told my mom and she never brought me to therapy again and told me that I would go to jail. And my little brother told me he never remembered our older brother showing us that stuff or me cocs@d him which is weird because I remember both THISE things and I’m scared that he was so traumatized by THISE things he forgot about it.And I feel so helpless and sick of myself and can’t stop thinking what if I s@d my little brother when I was older that would mean im an even worse person a disgusting criminal and to make it work I have nightmares about me doing horrible things and I wake up feeling horrible and it sometimes makes my memory even worse and I don’t even know what to do anymore the guilt is LITTERALLY so crushing and idk what to do anymore it feels like I shouldn’t be able to continue my life.i just feel like I’m gonna go to jail sooner or later and I can’t even do anything anymore because I feel so much fear I don’t know what to do

fear of my closed ones, like mother and father being secretely bad people or have done bad immoral things i cannot tolerate. now a doubt was brought up, what if my mother had intercourse with a much younger person in the past? i dont think she's that type of person, she isn't at all, but we all make mistakes when we're immature. and why does it suddenly feel real and true? i can't shake off the feeling that it could be true. now the seed doubt has been planted. how do i stop being doubtful? i feel like i need to clear it. i can't just maybe yes maybe not out of it. because a doubt like that becomes forever. and i dont want to have that doubt. i dont want to start doubting my mother, but the doubt is already set in stone. there is no evidence nor indicator of behaviour that she might have done something like that. what do i do? like there is this girl who i thought was an ok fun person, 2003, had an intercourse with my friend who's 2007. and she's a normal person, and she can become a mother in the future. a mother who has done something like that.

Okay so I’m gonna rant for a second about ocd hanging around in my personal life. This may be mostly about my personal drama but these situations contain all the ingredients for ocd to thrive. I have romantic feelings for my friend that started a couple months ago while she was in a relationship. We have very strong chemistry and I have this warm pleasant feeling inside my chest whenever we hangout. I’ve had crushes before, but it’s never felt like this. Normally ocd chatters and undermines my feelings but every time it tries to touch my confidence in what I feel for her, it just bounces off like raindrops on a windshield. I’m probably delusional, but I feel like we both are aware of this connection. Then, about a month ago, she broke up with her boyfriend. It would be very unhelpful to her for me disclose how I’ve been feeling right now. Also very scummy I feel. Here’s where ocd enters the picture mainly. My hands are tied. I want to be a good friend and respect her grieving the end of her relationship (lord knows I have been there too). I also know what I feel and how smitten I am with her. I’m trying to hold these two things together but ocd tells me stories about how I am awful for having these feelings and that I need to do something to make them go away. Alternatively I feel like I get stuck in these prolonged day dreams where it’s telling me that she’s absolutely perfect and that I’m messing up my one true chance at finding love. That I’ll end up alone forever because I didn’t do enough. It baits and traps me in these no win scenarios. I’m exhausted. I’m not looking for answers with what to do. I know that I need to sit with the uncertainty and let the thoughts come and go. It stings because I do really care for this person and it’s leveraging that against me. Life is complicated and humans are messy. I am human, I am messy. I know I’m allowed to feel what I feel. This kind of pain is common to anyone not just folks with ocd. However It certainly is not making it easier. It feels like the physical sensation you get when you mess up in the operation game, if that makes sense. I have no idea what’s to come romantically. Regardless, I need to focus on presence and patience. Whether or not things work out with her is irrelevant. Things will end how they are supposed to. I just don’t want ocd to be the reason I pursue or don’t pursue anything. This is my life that I get to live. I will not be bossed around and tortured by this if I can help it 🕺

Hey. So I think I’m recovering from a false memory-real event ocd. I wasn’t able to function these last couple of days (eating, working, etc..) and now I’m feeling bit better because I was done with the anxiety of uncertainty even tho I know somehow there’s pretty much fair evidence that back me up. But ocd doesn’t work that way, it will just keep trying to convince you and make you doubt so I’m done engaging with it. But I find myself feeling guilty of not giving it my attention. I had a thought that sounds disturbing about how I’m back to -kinda- being normal again. Does this happen often when people try to break through the endless cycle of guilt? Whenever I feel okay, or just chill and not anxious, I start to panic because why am I fine or chill when this may or may not have happened. “YOU NEED TO FIGURE IT OUT” it keeps going, or else I am a bad person. Sounds related?

Starting a job soon working to end child sexual abuse. I love this job, and I am so excited. Right now though, I feel so so so so bad about myself and things I have done. I keep ruminating over past sexual encounters I have had, parties where I have blacked out in college and etc. I am worried someone will come out and say I assaulted them and I forgot. But now I am worried I misremembered and maybe I just assaulted this friend. Another is my friend my child hood who I was completely toxic with. Like very codependent, and she was 2-3 years younger than me. We had some very sexual conversations and I look back and feel so disgusted by myself. Lastly, I have a friend who I no longer speak with for different reasons. That friend and I were at a party and I touched her thigh, she moved my hand off. I put it back and she moved it off again and I stopped. Are these horrible? Am I horrible? I have been healing and in therapy and learning more. Honestly because of the internet and some online grooming from when I was a child I thought this was all normal. It wasn’t until after I graduated that I learned it wasn’t. I feel so so so so horrible. And I feel as though my life will fall apart. What if these situations are worse than I remember? What if something happened that I don’t remember? I just do not know what to do. I cannot even think really. It’s hard. I got this new amazing job working to end csa, but what if I’m not a victim, what if I’m a perpetrator? I don’t know what to do.

So, if I'm retelling a story or relaying information to someone, after I'm done speaking, my brain will send me thoughts like, "What if you lied? You might have told the story wrong! You're lying!" I've started second-guessing myself, even when I know I'm not lying or telling the story wrong😭 This has also bled into twisting my intentions behind certain actions... For example, the other day, I'd been babysitting my younger brothers. I'd gone to use the restroom and thought, "What if the door isn't locked or closed all the way?" Because this has happened once in the past. Turns out, it didn't lock correctly, and one of my little brothers almost walked in on me, but luckily, I shut the door in time, and we laughed it off. But then, I kept getting thoughts like, "You knew that would happen, and you didn't double-check! You wanted that to happen and for him to walk in!" :( I know this isn't true, but it's so annoying! Has anyone dealt with this? If you have, do you have any advice on how to deal with these thoughts?