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working to conquer OCD
Does anyone make themselves say intrusive thoughts in their head to see how it makes them feel or if they believe them? Like testing yourself ?
These past two weeks my intrusive thoughts about my fear of psychosis and going crazy have come back. There was times when I would start to be better than bam anxiety all over again and I’m just so scared cause it feels so real and scarier from the last time I had it. Yesterday I had a Friendsgiving and something triggered it so bad that I went down a rabbit hole of videos and I got the worst anxiety and couldn’t even eat dessert and that’s my favorite part of the whole night. I didn’t get much sleep and right now I feel like I actually may lose it and I’m not doing myself any good from lack of sleep. I just feel so alone and no matter how much I tell myself they’re just thoughts and letting myself sit with the uncomfortableness and fear and just can’t shake it off. I think I’ve better DP/DR and it’s not making the situation better but I’m past the point of anything giving me relief and am just so scared. I just feel so alone and I have no one to talk to who has ever gone through this like me. I just want to be okay and normal. I was doing good these past months and bam I’m hit with all these thoughts. Please tell me it gets better.
Adults only I'm just sick of this cycle of needing my phone again and again and again. I'm sick of bringing it with me everywhere I go. I'm sick of thinking about where it is endlessly when I put it somewhere I forget. I'm sick of having to use it to go to sleep. I'm sick of reassurance seeking. But above all else, I'm just so. So sick of porn. I'm so sick of watching it when I don't want to. I don't even enjoy doing it anymore. It's just so routine and it's just an escape from the life that I hate right now because of OCD. I just hate this so much. I hate being so attached to it for so many years. I hate the trauma that it brings me after seeing so many horrible things at a young age. I hate when I scroll to find the perfect video I see a lot of awful, gross shit that doesn't align with my morals and disgusting people uploading fictional minors and other characters. I hate that my mind is now being all like "Oh you want to see that and play it off" or go "why did you check if it was a minor, did you want to see that? Ew" when looking for the perfect video. I'm tired of escalating to the extreme videos. Someday I just wanna be in a relationship and have REAL love instead of being so hooked on this souless, rancid bullshit we call porn every single day. I hate the anxiety it brings me and I hate the sleepless nights it gives me. I hate that this never leaves my mind. It's pathetic. It's fucking lame. I hate that this is still bothering me so much and there are other peers in my life that aren't dealing with this, are in relationships, going to college, getting married, and I'm just stuck with this fucking OCD and this stupid porn routine. It makes me so angry and it makes me feel like a complete joke and a failure. I seriously hate this shit so much. So I'm gonna turn off my phone and just not use it for the night. I hate this so much and I just wish I could metaphorically kill it and never have it show up.
Adults only, no minors So I'm feeling more calm. I'm not as stressed as I was in the morning. Mentally I'm at the point where what I was watching that I felt crossed a moral line is something I shouldn't be watching in pornography, but it's also not necessarily bad to have these fantasies and attractive interests in celebrities. It's very wrong to have stuff like that he publicly shared because now it's on the Internet for everyone to see but I don't think it's bad if it's kept to one's self and not shown online at all. That is what fantasies are at the end of the day anyway. I still don't feel great that I escalated to that kind of stuff because it really does make me uncomfortable in that context but I am feeling better than I did earlier. I'm getting thoughts saying that I'm absolutely disgusting and I'm trying to shift blame but I'm in just gonna try and let it pass
I feel like I have a good 10 “scenarios” I go over majority of the time and a few of them are Pocd related. It’s always based off memory which turns into a what if I did this. For example me being in a car alone with a friends kid then what if I done this, what if I done that etc. It’s funny because at the time I remember ringing my friends as I wanted “proof” nothing happened as I was on the phone. Yet in true ocd fashion I look at the moments before I rang my friends - something could have happened then. I don’t talk to that friend anymore so couldn’t even try and get some sort of reassurance there.. This isn’t my main theme but it’s up there. How does anyone handle this? Surely “maybe it did, maybe it didn’t” helps. That’s awful…
My bf and I have been dating for a little over a year. The past 5 months have been rocky. I’m anxiously attached and he leans more avoidant but *he isn’t a full blown avoidant* and didn’t really start showing symptoms till months later when the fighting became a lot. We talk everyday, see each other almost every day and he works night shifts as a nurse 8pm-8am then sleeps all day when he’s off then goes back into work. Recently, we had a small tension moment mid-week. Not a fight. I asked to hang out, he got a little short, said he was tired, and later told me “I’m fine, just want some time to myself.” I respected that and backed off. But then… nothing. He hasn’t spoken to me in 8 days. No “I need a few days,” No “I’ll reach out soon,” No check-ins, No follow-up after I sent a gentle “hey, how are you doing? just checking in.” This is the first time in our entire relationship that he’s gone silent. Even during horrible fights, he never went more than a few hours without responding. For context: • The past few months he has felt emotionally drained, overwhelmed, and questioned whether the relationship could get better. • But we had four really good days right before the shutdown — closeness, affection, no tension. • He has not broken up with me, hasn’t asked for his stuff back, hasn’t unfollowed me, hasn’t said “we need to talk,” nothing. • He is just… gone. Silent. Still at his apartment. Still going to work. Just ignoring me. I’m trying to figure out what this is: Is this: 1. An avoidant shutdown / deactivation (where the avoidant withdraws completely but eventually comes back once regulated), OR 2. An avoidant discard / slow breakup (where they emotionally detach, say nothing, and essentially let the relationship fade), OR 3. Just a burnt-out man shutting down and being immature and avoidant of conflict—not actually ending things but also not communicating at all, OR 4. Something else entirely? I’m looking for honest, non-sugarcoated insight from people who are avoidant, anxiously attached, therapists, or anyone who has lived either side of this. What does this behavior look like to you? Avoidant shutdown? Discard? Burnout? Immaturity? Has anyone experienced something similar? Do I keep respecting his space and not blow up since blowing up has gotten us here when he is genuinely an amazing person who didn’t deserve me bringing trauma into this relationship OR is he discarding me? He said months ago if it was over he’d never text me and wouldn’t care. (He is drama sometimes) but then also two weeks ago said if it was over he’d never ghost me and he would tell me. I’m not asking if I should continue being with him. I just want to know is this space he’s had to demand bc I never gave it and he’s burnt out or am I being discarded? Or is my ocd latching onto anything
I’ve been through a really tough year, especially with OCD, and I want to be open about it in case it helps someone else feel less alone. If anything I share resonates, feel free to comment. My OCD first showed up as sexual-orientation OCD while I was studying abroad in Spain. My program had mostly girls, and my home university is also a very LGBTQ-friendly campus. Being in spaces where sexuality was talked about so openly made me feel pressured to “figure out” my orientation with certainty, which fueled the OCD spiral. At the same time, I was dealing with health OCD around concussions, so everything piled up. In August 2024, after a confusing conversation with a friend, I met a man I have a very deep emotional connection with — a connection that honestly has never gone away. I believed, and part of me still believes, that it was a “twin flame” connection. But the intensity of it triggered multiple OCD themes: sexual-orientation OCD, relationship OCD, existential and religious OCD, and magical thinking. I went down a lot of rabbit holes trying to make sense of it. Around the same time, I started noticing more dysfunction in my family, especially with my mom, and things eventually blew up. The fight we had escalated, and while I don’t want to go into detail, it did get to a point where I felt like my personal space and property were being invaded. I didn’t feel emotionally safe, so I wanted to leave. I ended up staying with my grandparents in Nashville, where I fell into isolation and depression. I put a lot of emotional weight on the man I have the connection with, which led him to set boundaries, and I spiraled even more. My grandparents eventually said I needed to return home, but my mom would only let me come back if I got off Prozac and signed papers giving her control over my medication, which I’m not comfortable with. So now I’m staying at a friend’s apartment on an air mattress while I try to get into a PHP program for OCD and figure out insurance and independence. There were also moments when intrusive thoughts felt like psychic “visions,” which scared me and led me to say things I now regret. My family doesn’t understand OCD and thinks I’m faking or self-diagnosing, which has been incredibly painful. I’m not in the best place mentally, emotionally, or financially, but I’m sharing this because I want this space to feel safe for others too. I also wish I had gotten help sooner. My biggest compulsion right now is using ChatGPT for reassurance before making decisions — which is even why I’m using it to shorten this post. But I’m trying to break that cycle and focus on real recovery. Thanks for reading if you made it here💓💓
It’s 4:30 am lol My brain is spinning a bit I’ll say Idk I keep worrying I don’t feel enough or I’m not excited enough to be with my partner long term. I’m worried I’m only thinking of him as a means to an end/an obligation. But it’s not Yes part of me wants to live with him so I can get out of my dorm but I wanna live with him cuz I love him and he’s fun. I hate when he has to go home and he can’t stay over. I want him to stay here with me. Cuddle all night. Idk the lack of butterflies makes my brain panic. The fact I’m not excited all the time makes my brain panic Makes it worry I’d be better off with someone else- another man? A woman? I get nauseous at the thought of either. I get nauseous around him too so idk what’s real. I kinda do tho? Looking at him makes me feel safe and warm but my body keeps making me nauseous when I don’t want to be. I try not to focus on it but it keeps coming back It makes everything so confusing. I just know I want him. That’s it. I don’t care about anyone else romantically. I’m scared thatll change. That at 60 I’ll drop everything for someone else. I don’t want to. I don’t feel warm and fuzzy telling him I love him- is that normal? It still feels nice to say it and to hear it. I think we’re so used to saying it to each other. Same goes for nicknames lol. No warm and fuzzy feelings when he calls me honey or habibti (he speaks Arabic lol) but I still love it. It feels surreal that we’ve been together almost 2 years. Idk. I’m worried I’m not happy enough about that but I cry tears of joy thinking about how far we’ve come and how far we have yet to go. I love running my hands through his hair. Recently I’ve been overthinking touching him. I avoid the pec area a lot cuz I’m worried if I touch it I’ll think of women. It’s never made me uncomfortable before but now it does. Which is annoying. I’m kinda trying to re integrate ig? I’m worried I’m touching him wrong or smthn. It’s never bothered me before but with my recent soocd it’s kinda tripping me the fuck up yknow??? I adore him. I love his body. He’s hot. He’s funny. He’s got nice muscles. He’s soft. Warm. Why am I suddenly feeling weird about certain parts? Is this normal in ocd? Hopefully someone takes the time to read all of this I genuinely do love him but I’m so worried I’m actually a liar and repulsed by his body. The first time I saw him shirtless all I wanted to do was run my hands all over him. Hold him close. Clearly I am not a lesbian. Now I still do, just not in an aggressively horny way like when we first got together LOL. It’s still horny, when we get going, yay responsive desire. But most of the time it’s just touching and cuddling. Idk I feel like I’m going crazy
Im a dude and im curious how women especially if they are shy show signs of attraction because I’m getting intrusive thoughts in my head, “ what if she thinks I’m thirsty,” what if she thinks I’m a creep or she thinks I’m doing too much . Obviously yall need context, too much to type tbh. Here’s a summary, there’s a female barista since I laid eyes on her it was like I was instantly attracted to her. We locked eyes a few times and I smiled at her and she smiled back at me we did this twice, one time she took my order she smiled and look down fast. Another time I asked her for her drink recommendation and I been ordering that since I actually do like the drink. This may sound cheesy and sound like nothing but remember summary So I’m thinking maybe she feels some attraction to me because I’m definitely feeling her. Problem is I never got her name and she isn’t always the cashier so sometimes for me to have a chance to speak to her I gotta wait until her coworker is busy so she becomes the cashier. Mind you I’m hella nervous and she seems nervous too but she’s pretty good at hiding I can tell she’s a lil shy or something Today I order coffee and she was at the cash register this time. I was nervous but kept it cool and I said the hi and how are you, then I mentioned how her drink recommendation for me hooked, I was so nervous my mind was blank she responded and smile that’s nice then I asked for her name, she told me and I said nice to meet to you but forgot to tell her my name…. But I was super excited and stoked that I finally got her name maybe from there I can start subtle small talk it’s tough because she’s working I’m not going to have full blown conversations but I’m curious if any girl is reading this at this point am I tripping? If you were crushing on someone what does through your mind and how do you act around your crush if you’re a female. I’m getting so many intrusive thoughts probably I’m really drained from my job and everything going on I even had a thought,” what if that isn’t her real name and she wants me to leave her alone.” Bro it’s a barista why would they lie about their name and I didn’t do nothing wrong but my mind of course, plus if I’m attracted to a women and I really like her how can I just sit back and don’t make a move. Anyways thanks for reading this long post I probably sound crazy because yall probably thinking she’s a barista she’s just being nice lmfao. (Edit) I’m even debating on not going into the coffee shop because what if I’m going in too much and she might think I’m doing too much because I think she knows I like her and she might be turned off by how much I go into the coffee shop by the way I go there during work and work on my homework. I don’t go there for no reason of course.
this theme is legit the worst. i hate that i’m pulling away from people i love and isolating myself because of this. i just want the worries and doubts to go away but idk how to sit with it when it feels so convincing. how am i supposed to accept uncertainty on something that goes completely against my morals and something i couldn’t live with if it were true? why do false attraction and groinals feel so damn real sometimes and how am i supposed to know the difference? i just feel scared to open up about this and confirming my worst fears.
Is anyone willing to share their experiences with taking these SSRIs? I want to give them a shot. I'm sick of sleepless nights, anxiety that is too much, and not being able to do the things I want in life because of OCD. I would really appreciate this.
Eating cookies, vomiting, blocking someone and other things,i feel like my heart and brain is going to explode please tell me what do i need to do to stop it,i used to have other compulsions and i thought the other compulsions were the reason my icd got much worse but now i understand it has nothing to do with the difference of compulsions,i just cant stop it
I'm so scared at the idea of ERP because I feel like I'm lying to myself. Which I know is textbook but I feel like I have urges to think about these sexually explicit images for my own gratification. Which is so strange because I tell myself I don't want that. I love my girlfriend. And I know I don't want these things to happen but I'm scared that I want the thoughts. And that the whole concept of thinking about them intentionally will result in me enjoying them and wanting them. I want this to be over. I feel terrible every day but that doesn't mean I'm innocent. Anyone have any advice on how to tackle ERP with this in mind. I want this to end.
Was on deviantart looking at art. Clicked something from an artist that makes triggering stuff and was hoping it wouldn’t have triggering material. It did, just like I knew. Why would I risk myself like that? Knowing it was gonna trigger me. It’s like I hoped it wouldn’t contain triggering material even though I knew it would. And then I didn’t immediately go off the page. I looked at it for a second and it felt like I wanted to like it even though the weird part made me feel uncomfortable. Like for a second it wasn’t uncomfortable and that scares me
How do you stop your mind reminding you of your (past?) thoughts? The lingering effects of OCD are still there and It feels like I can’t shake off the OCD. I believe I am experiencing recovery as I have less anxiety. But it’s almost like my mind can’t be sure to let go and associates anything that triggered me to the OCD thoughts that I had so I won’t forget. I feel unsettled and can’t completely relax It’s always at the back of my mind that I had those OCD thoughts in the first place. And it isn’t purposefully as such, it’s just like a bitter taste in your mouth. I’ve had times when It didn’t feel lingering like this, but I felt okay (although I was hyperaware about feeling okay). But now I’m trying not to dwell on the OCD and push through but it lingers and makes me question why? It feels like an unanswered question of all my rumination or walking on eggshells. I hope that it’s not embedded in my mind.
Ever since I was a little boy I always hated or feared confrontation. At the same I hated being walked over or disrespected, it made me feel so cowardly. Whenever I’d get into a small argument with a kid my age or get disrespected I’d automatically go into fight or flight then I’d retreat. I’d rethink that encounter all day, thinking of what I could have done, what I’ll do next time and what might happen. It’d be nonstop endless, I’d do it so much I couldn’t even stop if I wanted to. Perhaps that was the first signs of my OCD. Anyways now I’m an adult, today I’m not perfect but I’m so much better at confrontation. However, my mind still ruminates over little things and goes into a state of hyper vigilance. I know no one means any harm or anything but my mind can’t stop ruminating and trying to predict future conflicts. It goes on endlessly, and now I work it’s just the worst. The rumination is nonstop and I just it’d stop. I know they don’t mean any harm and even if they do I can muster up the courage to stand up for myself, I’ve done it before I’m capable. I was wondering if anyone else experiences this.
18+ UPDATE: I genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless...
Hi all! I made an entry on substack before I started therapy, and I just wanted to share it incase anyone who’s beginning their journey or continuing with it might relate. I must say, my life has gotten better, the thoughts have gotten better, and my relationships have improved since starting here. Like I said in my entry, I previously thought therapy wasn’t for me until I started here, and I’m glad to say now that it DEFINITELY IS! WHY DO I CARE? Why do I care so much? Often it feels like the smallest unplanned reaction (or, more likely, the “wrong” reaction) has me second guessing everything. Did I come off too strong? Did I say something horrible and immediately forget? Does this person dislike me now? Are they still my friend? Will everyone leave because I’m too much? I search the internet as if the answer evades me, but the search brings me back to what I already knew was causing these constant obsessions: Autism and OCD, both of which I’ve had all my life (though only fully realized in the last few years). A joke felt an insult, a shush seemed like a hatred, and actual confrontation? A living nightmare. These diagnoses have helped explain why everything felt so serious all my life. My parents had a delayed arrival home? Someone hurt them and is coming for me next. A fire truck goes by while in class? My apartment must be on fire. I cannot find my cats? They escaped in the fraction of a second the front door was open. And finally, the least favorite of “my special little quirks” is the intrusive images of me laying deceased at the bottom of the staircase anytime I start my decent, convincing myself I’m one misstep away from an untimely death. OCD and Autism coalesce to form a torturous reality. OCD allows me to ruminate and obsess over every conversation and Autism allows my obsessions/ruminations to reach a crescendo, leaving me broken and battered. They combine into a devastating dance of obsession, fear, and loneliness; the movements mesmerizing in their passion, and stupefying in their horror (I’ll never apologize for being queer and dramatic; it’s simply my nature). Why does this happen? What wrath have I incurred to make my every waking thought a jumble of anxiety and stress? It might be due to my childhood; the emotional unavailability of my parents whose early experiences outpace mine on required therapy hours. It may be genetic, as more and more studies seem to demonstrate a biological correlation. Or it could just be my everlasting luck, which always seems to run out right when I need it most. Despite what most of society would have you believe, I’m not convinced that understanding the origin will change the outcome. I spent many years in therapy learning the roots of why I am the way I am; why I function as I do. I have been through a few different therapists - all great in their own right until I would get to the dreaded question following a few weeks of counseling: “I understand that A is from B and B is from C; I understand the tools I can use when experiencing these feelings; I understand that healing is not linear and things take time. What I do not understand is how to fundamentally change my thinking so I will not be this way anymore. How do I stop it?” Each and every time, I was met with more suggestions on how to cope, ways to distract myself, and things to placate my “abnormality.” All of this is not to say therapy is bad or cannot help someone in my position, but it is to say that maybe my expectations needed adjusting. OCD and Autism are not akin to disease of the body (in the traditional sense). They are not something to be cured and forgotten. They are parts of me whether I choose to accept it or not. They are the way my brain views the world, processes information, and understands my experiences. Maybe they are neither good nor bad, black nor white, but just there. Maybe I just need to learn to live with that. Midnight-fueled internet rabbit holes and articles written by similarly diagnosed peers are the only railings in sight keeping me from tumbling over the edge, and I will be forever grateful for the community we find in the loneliness.
Does anyone else struggle with feeling like you are starting to accept the thoughts/think they aren’t so bad? Like my brain is starting to tell me the thoughts I have aren’t as bad and that maybe I am overreacting but I know that they are horrible and completely against my morals but I feel like I am slowly losing my morals if you know what I mean? Does anyone have any tips on how to go back to your past self?
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