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Hi - If any one of you have done ERP on above subtypes and recovered successfully, please ping me. I would like to hear some tips from you. Thanks!

I’m being haunted by something that happened in my relationship about 2 years ago. It’s worse than any event I’ve read here, so I understand if I cause disgust in this community by contributing some of my obsessing about this event to my OCD. Basically, I went through some struggles with alcohol a little while back, and this started as a result of me struggling to cope with a different horrible event that I caused. I was drinking excessively and often in secret. I’m not sure how much of a factor the alcohol plays in this event, so maybe it’s not even worth mentioning. Around the same time, my girlfriend came to me and told me that she thought that she might be transgender (MTF). When she initially came to me about this, she wasn’t really certain, and although I was a bit shocked I was very supportive of her. She started therapy to work out these feelings, and while I went through my own struggles and worries about this new information, we were actually doing pretty well. Until one night when she had therapy. I had been drinking that day, but I don’t remember the amount or how intoxicated I actually was. I would usually wear headphones when she was in her sessions (they were telehealth), but for some reason this time I made one of the worst mistakes of my entire life. I listened in on parts of her session from the other side of the door. I think I even stopped and came back to hear more. I don’t remember exactly how this came about. I think I passed by and heard her talking about me and my curiosity/lack of morals got the best of me. I heard her talking about me for a bit, but I also heard her say that she was now very sure she was trans. I didn’t know this (nor did I have any right to know this), and in my selfish, intoxicated, and mentally ill state, I went to the couch and had a bit of a breakdown. I don’t remember how long I eavesdropped on her. It could have been anywhere from 4-15 minutes. Any amount of time is too much. I am horrified by what I did to this day, and every time I think about it it sends me into a total spiral. When she was done with her session, I asked her leading questions about how sure she was that she was trans (so not only did I betray her trust, but I had the gall to question her about a part of what I had heard). She told me that she was absolutely sure. I went into a state of bargaining and disbelief, trying to be accepting and kind while also panicking about this change and what it meant for our relationship. I kept asking if she was sure, almost hoping that I could get her to think about it more before deciding. Horrible. Then out of guilt and horror over my actions, I quickly confessed to her that I had eavesdropped on a portion of her session. I think I minimized how long I had listened at first, but I corrected myself on that as well (I don’t remember how quickly though). She was understandably upset and disappointed, but not nearly as much as she had the right to be. She should have screamed at me and probably left my ass. But she still remained kind to me and we talked about the importance of me respecting her privacy during her future sessions. She went to take a bath, and I was so overcome with shame and self hatred for what I’d done that I ended up self-harming. I didn’t mean for this to be manipulative, but it was yet another horrible choice made based on my impulsivity. I ended up confessing this to her as well, not for her to take care of me, but because it was a bit more severe than I intended and I felt so guilty for having the audacity to hurt myself after everything I’d done. And that’s about where the event ends. It’s been about 2 years, and I still can’t believe that I have done something so horrifically disrespectful. We’ve talked about it so many times, and somehow she forgives me and it no longer bothers her. I have put myself in her shoes, and I would be so upset if someone did to me what I did to her. I ruminate over the details, google similar events and read peoples feelings about what I’ve done, try to remember exactly how long I eavesdropped for, what I heard, if I downplayed anything else when I confessed, and try to remember how intoxicated I was (which doesn’t matter at all). I always feel the need to confess more and to repeatedly bring this event up and apologize/ask how she feels about it (or if there’s anything I can do to help her heal). I take so many precautions now to make sure that my girlfriend feels 100% safe and secure in therapy. I have never done this again, I’ve discussed my actions in my own therapy, and I always leave the house for the entire duration of her sessions (even though she says she trusts me to wear headphones). I initiate conversations about what I did, how it made her feel, and if there is anything else I can do to show how sorry I am and guarantee her emotional safety. I consider what I did emotional abuse even though she doesn’t. She thinks that the event was bad, but my OCD is exaggerating my guilt and shame. I disagree. What I did was truly monstrous and how I feel as a result is the only way any sane person would feel after doing something like that. What I’m struggling with is accepting her forgiveness, kindness, and her desire for me to try and move on. I’ve read that what I did is a dealbreaker, and I can’t disagree. How are you supposed to accept such incredible kindness and acceptance from someone you have betrayed so severely? How am I supposed to feel like it’s ok for me to accept her love and continue our relationship despite what I’ve done?Especially when you have a pattern of horrible, disrespectful behavior? For some reason she still loves and wants me, and I don’t want to take away any more of her agency to make her own decisions about her life. I love her more than anything. She feels unheard when I talk about how I’m worried she shouldn’t forgive me, that I’m an abuser and she deserves someone who would never think of doing such a thing to her. I feel like it doesn’t matter how much therapy I get or how much work I do to change. My life feels like one long series of irredeemable actions. I’m sorry for the long post. I needed to get this off my chest. I understand that this is unacceptable and probably not even OCD related. I understand that most people would hate me for this (trust me, I hate myself a lot) and that I don’t deserve to still have such a loving relationship with this person. I just need help figuring out how to live with myself. Thank you for reading, and I’m so sorry to anyone who’s suffered because of pieces of shit like me.

How does one overcome POCD when it’s tied into/influenced by actual events in my life? I feel like there is almost a pattern for me :( My events involve researching/googling disturbing things I shouldn’t have out of morbid curiosity (and seeing truly horrible things/images on the internet as a result of this), having thoughts about girls in their late teens sometimes being attractive (it’s happened multiple times that I thought a girl was attractive then learned she was like 17 or something. It always disgusts me, but I feel the need to test to make sure they aren’t attractive to me upon me finding out their ages. This causes even more distress and discomfort). I have certain and uncertain memories about pleasuring myself to things that are morally unacceptable (one of those things being a scene from one of those films on the Disturbing Movie Iceberg that I watched and I’m unsure I may have m*********d to. It involved CSA and was one of the first catalysts for my POCD. I am only about 40-50% confident that this didn’t happen). I’m even going back and remembering a time where I was 12-13 and read fanfics about a 9-year old anime character being shipped with a full adult. However all but the last event happened between the ages of like 20-23 (I’m 24f now and the thing about worrying about finding girls in their late teens attractive is the only current “active” thing going on. Everything else is based on past events). Every time I read about POCD, it always seems like people’s distress revolves around “current” intrusive thoughts (e.g, “Did I find that child attractive?” or “Did I touch that child inappropriately?”). I rarely see things involving past actual events similar to mine, and it makes me think that this isn’t just POCD. I feel like there’s no other explanations for my actions, this feels like a pattern of behavior. I am so afraid that I am a p***. And I’m leaving for a movie soon. Not exactly sure how I’m supposed to pretend I’m ok and act present when the friends I’m going with would likely hate me if they knew all of this. Im so tired.

People don’t understand how much ocd takes over your life, here’s some of my old compulsions through the years, I can laugh about these ones now as I’ve managed to stop them. Although I’m yet to beat false memory ocd. - Checking the knife draw before bed 14 times just to be ‘sure’ the knife’s were all there. - Filming under my bed before I went to sleep to make sure no one was there. - Barricading my door at night as I had a fear I would sleep walk and ‘hurt’ someone. - Video myself doing my nightly compulsions (locking doors, turning lights off, checking everything etc) to make sure it’s done. - running up and down the stairs 44 times before bed to make sure no one dies 😅😂(honestly no clue) - tapping an even number of times on each side of my body. - whenever I made someone else a drink I would have to re-do it about 10 times and video it, as id convinced myself I’d poisoned it🙃lol I mean I could go on forever but here’s some!! I’m hoping this makes someone feel less alone as I’ve stopped this now with a lot of work, it is possible!! False memory ocd is next for me , I’m hoping I can beat this as I have the above.

I’ve been going through what I suspect is depersonalisation for the past 6 months (triggered by a bad ocd episode) It’s been a really bad period and after this much time I feel like my depersonalisation (if that’s what I have) has gotten so complex that I’ve started to really forget who I am, how I used to act, what I believe in, I feel like I’ve completely lost my own identity. Thinking about past memories hurts, thinking about people I love hurts, I am not sure what to do anymore. I have been told to try and get on with my life by many people online and the depersonalisation will go away by itself, unfortunately that is not the case as whenever I try to get on with my life it gets worse and I feel even more disconnected. I feel like the only time I feel like I’m getting somewhere is when I sit and try to think back of the ocd episode that triggered all this, almost like I have unprocessed emotions from that episode that needs solving in order for my depersonalisation (if that’s indeed what I have) to go Please, if you’ve been through something similar let me know, have you ever felt like on ocd episode is holding you back from your life and is making you feel disconnected from yourself until you go back and process it? As if it was some sort of traumatic memory that needs processing? Don’t hesitate to leave a comment and thank you in advance :)

When i play video games, i start to feel so guilty and bad. Because i feel like playing video games will make me a bad person, a rageful, angry person and that will lead me to be the person i hate. I feel like if i play games, it will make me an unfaithful, narcissist, angry, rageful person and it will ruin my future, my academy and it will lead me to do things i don't want. I feel like im becoming someone horrible. Other than that i extremely fear being like my mother. Im truly scared of that. I don't want to be angry, harmful to everyone around me. I don't want to be a narcissistic person who rants about everything for hours, gets angry at the smallest thing, blames people, belittles them. I especially don't want to hurt my partner. Im scared to hurt kids and animals, im scared of anger. When i get angry sometimes, i feel extremely guilty and bad. And i feel like im the most terrible person alive. Other than these, im scared to see my partner, my love for him as an exaggeration, i feel like i won't care about him or say "he is not a big deal, i don't mind not loving, hurting him" etc. Im scared to be like the people who hurts their partner, never cares about their partner, see them as a tool.

Why do intrusive thoughts feel so real? I sometimes fear it isn't OCD and I actually do feel/think those things and it causes me immense distress.

I’m newly diagnosed with ocd. The onset of my symptoms started a little over a month ago on vacation. I have harm and real event ocd which has sent me down a spiral for a few weeks as the two subtypes work together in convincing me my themes are really true. I didn’t become aware of the possibility that I had ocd until a week after my symptoms started due to the fact that ocd is portrayed so differently in media/movies. I’m beginning to think that my OCD has been with me longer than I imagined and possibly started in my childhood. I had a serious fear of myself and others vomiting especially in school. I can recall two times where my peers vomiting in school caused me to panic. Once I even ran out of the classroom and hid in one of the private bathrooms in elementary school because someone had vomited. As I’ve gotten older I have become somewhat tolerant of seeing others puke but it still startles me. I have a fear of being sick myself and have always been obsessed with tracking who has the stomach flu. A few months prior I was exposed to someone that had it without knowing it and refused to eat a large meal because I was convinced I was gonna have it the next day. I want to make it clear that while I don’t like respiratory illnesses I usually don’t have the intense anxiety and fear of cold and flu stuff. It seems to just be contagious gastrointestinal diseases (Norovirus). Another thing that I’m not sure about is how I am in relationships. Ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I have always been extremely worried that he’s going to cheat on me or go behind my back. Well both download the Life360 app because we often drive to see each other and make sure we get home safely and because he wanted to reassure me that he wasn’t doing anything behind my back. This app became my go-to to check his location because I constantly worried. I also freaked out over the smallest “clue” that I would misconstrue and think he was definitely cheating to the point where I was absolutely convinced and at times was ready to walk out. He would literally go the extra mile and give me literal proof that he was innocent but yet I still ended up at square one. I feel incredibly horrible when i ruminate and think about how he felt because Ik he was innocent. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve someone as good as him. He’s been with me every step of the way since my ocd really started. Ik it’s probably just me being super insecure but at the same time I’ve just been diagnosed with ocd and my rumination has often brought me back to moments in life where maybe it was ocd type stuff. Ofc after a while I became convinced that I’m just an absolute horrible person and that I don’t deserve anything and that I have something else other than ocd and it validates everything. I’ve actually had a good few days and have been productive since this first started but I feel like I have something in my mind pulling me back and reminding me that I HAVE TO think about it or else I don’t care and that it’s all true. I also believe I don’t actually have it and just manipulate my way into the diagnosis even though I feel like a prisoner in my own mind.

I have two memories of molesting two different children and nothing has come of it. No one has spoken up about it no one’s complained hell there’s nothing even on the cameras. But I’m convinced these false memories happened and it scares me to death. Did I really molest those children or is my brain conjuring all of this up? What do I do because I feel like I can’t live with myself

I always catch myself having constant negative scary thoughts or making up stressful situations in my head before they even happen and it puts me through a lot of stress and anxiety and makes me feel horrible and I’m afraid if I keep thinking like that god will allow something terrible to happen to me just for having what if thoughts or thinking of random crazy things and stressing myself out even more than I already am to the point where I lose sleep, a lot for example I really want to enter the modeling industry as soon as I can and I’m sixteen and I keep making myself stress and wonder of the fact that what if a horrible grown sick man tries to take advantage and manipulate me or what if I befriend someone again and once again they weren’t real friends and try and kill me or drug me it honestly terrifies me and that’s not even the begging another issue where I’ve stressed and thought so hard on the topic that it terrifies me just as much as that when last year I went to my older cousins funeral and before I went I wasn’t as traumatized and mentally shook and scared as I was at hers than others because those people were already very old but she’s 22 and she got in a car accident and was extremely messed up and obviously didn’t look the same as she normally did and because I’m getting ready to start driving this year and that is what caused her death and just the way she looked sand everything really really traumatized and scared everything in me and to make matters worse my mom was like that’s why you should pay attention on the road when you get your license not that she was trying to be rude and scare me more when she said that but it did because after that I couldnt stop remember what I saw that day because I don’t want that to happen to me and after that I developed necrophobia. anyways I could go on more and more but the point of this is that I overthink and hold on to traumatic memories and situations and get super scared and think out of nowhere 24/7 that I’m going to die to and when it would happen and just worry and I hope that the power of thinking or of talking isn’t so strong that something like that actually happen, Another thing I go through is anger because all my life until I got homeschooled I’ve been in drama with jealous cruel girls with all sorts of issues going on with in themselves that they have to project onto me and other girls who just mind there buissness I’ve once got so mad I wanted to kill one girl but luckily never did because I knew it was wrong and unnecessary and that I didn’t want to live with that and go to jail for losing it over immature high school girl drama but I often worry that gods upset with me just for thinking like that or getting mad in other issues with other people and cursing or just other stuff and it stresses me out so much and sometimes I wish there were some way to erase my traumatic negative memories and make me innocent and not understanding in certain things I understand now and maybe I would be ok mentally

I’m struggling a lot today with a theme that hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind for about a month. I’ve always had a strong morbid curiosity. In the past, if I heard about a terrible crime, I just HAD to research it (and even look at photos). It’s awful because I feel like I have contributed to the exploitation of the poor victims in their final/worst moments. I try my best to not do this anymore, and if I feel the need to satisfy some morbid curiosity, I try to watch more educational materials like documentaries instead of random people posting about such things online. But I am haunted by what I’ve seen, specifically crimes regarding children. My POCD was partially triggered by people online talking about how a specific actress posed nude for Playboy when she was like 10 years old. I looked this up out of disbelief and morbid curiosity, and unfortunately saw the photos. I think I even kept looking for them after seeing censored versions (which bothers me extensively, like who would do that?). I was absolutely horrified and sickened by what I saw and the image still haunts me to this day. It’s unbelievable that those photos are still circulating online, and have even ended up in museum exhibits and art books on Amazon. Absolutely disgusting. I feel like it doesn’t matter that I googled this (and other related cases) out of disbelief or morbid curiosity. It doesn’t matter that I was disgusted and in no way attracted to what I saw. I feel like I contributed to the victimization of these poor people and that alone makes me a p*** regardless of attraction. I’m too scared to talk about this with my current therapist as we just started our sessions together. I wish I could go back in time and beat myself senseless. I feel like a monster. My main reason for posting is that I’m not sure if this is even POCD related because it’s attached to actual events that happened. Idk, I’m sorry, I just needed to vent. Please let me know if this post is out of line and I’ll remove it. Thank you to anyone who reads this, and I’m so so sorry.

I had a false memory real event ocd - situation that happened before that causes me great anxiety and stress. I had already talked with the community on this and now the memory came back and the guilt and doubt and anxiety came right back again

I’m getting ready to officially start ERP next week. Doesn’t this mean I must accept whatever the OCD is telling me? In my case it means I’m an awful person who does not deserve my family/friends or happiness of any kind. Last night I was thinking about this at my son’s sport event. It occurred to me that if all the people there “knew” what the OCD implies, they would hate me and shame me. Maybe it was easier to just be mildly happy by placating the OCD with reassurance and the mantra—it’s not me, it’s OCD. Anyway, guilt ridden and anxious, I excused myself from the bleachers at my son’s game last night, acting like I had to use the restroom. I walked past the restroom, got into my car and went home and right to bed at 7:30 pm. (History: Pure-O/ False Memory OCD)

Over the last month I have been struggling with harm and real event ocd. I just received my diagnosis the other day. I am in constant doubt and can’t stop ruminating over my childhood behaviors and feel that everything I have is validated. I keep fearing I’m gonna be some kind of psychopath and do something bad when I don’t wanna hurt anyone. While I’ve been ruminating I’ve become obsessed with researching different mental illnesses that I feel I match perfectly with. I’m starting to worry I have aspd, bpd, and npd. I especially have been ruminating over I act in my relationship of almost 3 years. I have a lot of bpd tendencies and ruminating over how easily I am set off and get frustrated makes me feel like the worst gf ever. I have a constant fear of being cheated on and dumped so small things that happen tend to upset me and make me jealous. I realize afterwards that my emotions run a little too high when this happens and I feel like I switch from being sweet to a b**ch. now I can’t stop telling myself that my bf deserves so much better than a piece of s**t like me. He’s been the only person I’ve been with that treats me right and I feel like I’m some kind of mentally Ill psychopath. I feel like I have every trait that puts me in all categories for severe personality disorders and I’m honestly terrified and this is becoming a kind of obsession. Reading the comments to all kinds of videos about these disorders makes me feel like I don’t deserve anyone especially not the amazing person I’m with now. Idk if this is the ocd or a point or realization that I really am this bad of a person. Is this some new ocd theme or what? I’m ready to give up on life entirely I feel so horrible.

If i was a child (12 and 13) and Ive made separate horrible mistakes that my pocd says im a p and a chomo for, should I be forgiven?? I had no idea how horrible the mistakes were when I was 12 and 13... I really truly didnt... im 22 and about to turn 23 in July...

Lately my ocd has shown back up big time. I’m coming close to the end of my pregnancy and my hormones typically really affect it. Currently living in the existential/ harm themes and fear of developing psychosis and going to hurt my loved ones! Questioning if things are real too which then makes me even more anxious because I think I’m slipping into psychosis! Anyone else experience this? Just not the headspace I want to be in before birth

Hi all! I am asking for ‚reassurance‘ and in this case I think it’s ok - and also, If anybody else experienced this. I am in therapy for 1,5 years now with this psychoanalysis therapist. She is great at what she does, but not for my OCD. Last year it got so bad and I went to the hospital for 2 months cause my ocd just flared up so badly. She helped me with my trauma a lot (father sa‘d me for years and only with her I remembered with flashbacks). Though she sees each ocd thought with direct correlation to my trauma. Which def could be the case, but it did not help me one bit. In fact, I am where I was now one year later contemplating if I shall go to the mental hospital again. The fact that there is a ‚reason‘ implied for each obsessive thought that pops my mind (e.g. cheating thought when looking at my fiancé is creating distance because I project my fathers relationship into my fiancé and then i get scared) - could be, but how does it help me? Or the fact that she says my ocd flares up when I’m angry cause I get thrown into that child-like anger from when my father abused me, which but I don’t even remember how I felt (which is great, it’s dissociation‘s purpose).how does it help me though?! I know that it actually worsened my condition cause now I realize I was ruminating all fuxking day long about the associative meaning of that stupid thought. Until yesterday I hurt myself again cause I was very close to giving up (dramatic I know, but it’s how it felt yesterday). Why did it take me so long to let her go? I wrote an email this morning to her saying that I want to change therapy style and that I want to talk about it with her… it got so bad I was questioning my reality yesterday … like 100% didn’t know what was real… Did any of you have a similar experience ? And do any of you have a good tip now to get out of this cycle myself? Thank you!!!

I’m going through what is hopefully just a really bad hypochondria episode where I’ve convinced myself I have schizophrenia. It’s been about 8 months and I’ve been through a range of crazy symptoms but the most prevalent symptom is getting crazy delusional thoughts like “what if my wife is a demon and trying to get to me” “what if nobody is real and these are all monsters/demons out to get me” etc etc. the thoughts are absolutely terrifying and they make me look at people differently, and i have to question myself whether I truly believe the thoughts or not, they feel so real, when they come on I almost catch myself genuinely feeling paranoid that they are 100% real and having a panic attack, but then the tiny bit of me that’s still rational brings me back to reality. And from then on I have to question myself all day “do I really believe this?” “Well you technically can’t disprove those things” “if it’s not real, then why does it FEEL real?” “This really is schizophrenia” “ what if it’s not schizophrenia but ACTUALLY real?” “who do I go to for help?” “What if I can’t trust anyone” and the scariest of them all…”why would a see a doctor if this is all real” etc, it’s literally hell. I can never give a satisfying “No, I don’t believe this” to these thoughts. I can go days and weeks and be able to confidently shrug them off and tell how ridiculous they are only for them to come back with a vengeance the next day. I could really use some reassurance even though I know it’s bad. I have never been like this before until I started obsessing over schizophrenia. I’ve been like this for 8 months now.

Can false memory make you have a theme that you did something bad and when you try to remember if you did you search for it and then something seems familiar and you think you might have done something sexual with someone years ago but you never thought about it till now??? I am so confused 😞 I feel like I would remember this very clearly.

So I’ve been dealing with severe ocd for the past 3 years.. I’ve dealt with it all my life but had up and downs and thought I was finally getting my life back and now over the weekend I got a huge trigger. It revolves around being intoxicated and having holes In my memories of that night. I was fine the next day and hangin out and then started to look back on the night and that’s when my brain picked the blank in my memory. It got really dark with the what ifs and the anxiety went thru the roof but now it has stuck and I can’t stop trying to figure what happened in those blank moments. Everyone I was with said nothing bad happened but I just keep having false memories. Anyone have these moments?😣😣😣