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Things I did as a child really doesn’t help me with my socd. This is one of my main triggers because I actually did these things and I regret them to high heavens. Anyone else have this issue

Feeling very on edge lately due to the us government being very quickly dissolved and an oligarchy beginning. It’s making me feel like anything I type or journal about will be tracked back to me somehow and the fascist regime will find and capture me. I know I am just one person and there are many people who share my fears and disdain for the fascism happening but anytime I leave the house I think the cars behind me are tracking me or my phone searches are being watched. I’ve started to only use encrypted search sites like Duck Duck go instead of Go*gle because they are now under tru*ps’s control just like everything else. It’s hard to tune these fears out since every time I look at the tv there are more and more injustices and irreparable damage being caused to our people ::((

I just got off my session today and after having a confession to my husband last night with a compulsion, he obviously is going to have more questions. My therapist says not to confess because I am growing my OCD . However, this is really OCD and is about something that actually happened. My husband said, that it sounds like I have someone in my life who is justifying withholding information or lying to him. Of course when I have my obsession compulsions, he makes sense. Can somebody help explain this to me? How is my husband not right or is he?

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?

strange signs of ocd that i initially didn’t realise were ocd related: - ensuring all synonyms for a word had to be included and spoken/considered. also weighing out which synonym would be ‘just right’ to integrate in the context. - being hyper aware of everyone’s emotions, the atmosphere and my surroundings. - randomly ruminating about an event that happened years ago and convincing yourself you said/did something bad and potentially apologising for it years later. - never saying swear words or cancellable things out loud or on camera when younger. i feared these videos would resurface and i would lose my job or if i became famous id be canceled. - being extremely superstitious (e.g. thought i would attract the bad energy that stemmed from seeing certain ‘evil’ numbers & words, watching manifestation videos that promote bad luck, going near cemeteries, not touching wood or stepping on the cracks etc.) - checking power outlets several times to ensure you have turned them off to ensure the house doesn’t burn down. - checking emails several times before sending to ensure you haven’t attached some ‘inappropriate content’ before sending it off. - checking alarms that you have turned alarms on several times and ensuring there loud enough to guarantee you will not sleep through them. - feeling heightened urges to confess every little thing otherwise i’ll attract bad karma. if i don’t confess or do something i deem as ‘bad’ i perceive any tiny inconvenience in my day as bad karma as a result of my actions. - taking tiny things in my day or that i see on social media as admonitions and signs from the universe that i need to make immediate changes/decisions in my life. - avoiding situations/people/things that trigger your OCD. - paranoia 24/7 (e.g. walking in the middle of the street so no one can pop up from behind a car and kidnap you or stressing about someone secretly living under your bed/or in air vent). - being hyper aware of your bodily sensations (e.g. what if i can’t breathe, trying to breathe in the ‘right’ way). - worried about thinking or saying things incase you ‘manifest’ them. - trying to think the ‘right’ thoughts. shaking them out of my head if you personally categorise them as ‘bad’. - constantly seeking reassurance that your not a ‘bad person’ from others. - having to rewrite a sentence 1000x to make sure it sounds ‘just right’. - latching on to safe/lucky numbers. - and many more…. (share yours down below!!) i’m just trying to help others feel less alone. i hope this brings peace to some of your minds.

Everyday I wake up, all my mind makes me think of is the stuff I’ve done in the past, like all day I’m in a constant cycle of judging who I used to be and it hurts so so much. I wish I never thought to do those things, I wish I had been more mature than how I was before, it’s really lowering my self worth and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this miserable before, like last summer was the worst because I was dealing with this shit, I about almost ended my life over it, and I thought it would get better, which it did, but it didn’t last but for a while. As soon as it became 2025 I was going through it again, having constant cycles of “I’m a good person” to “I’m the worst person imaginable” and I’m so sick of it because I just want to feel like the good person l like to imagine myself to be, but I can’t because of shit I did in the past that I obsess over. I’ve cried and screamed so much over it and it seems like it will never leave me.

I just wanted to see if anyone else experienced anything like this, or maybe could help explain what’s going on? It feels like the intrusive thoughts completely take on a life of their own. For example, earlier today i was sitting with a pretty big theme, accepting the uncertainty, telling myself, “Maybe this happened, maybe it didn’t. I don’t know.” Then, 15 minutes where i was alone with my thoughts, and it was like my brain just took off running. Ruminating, and when I tried to pull back and not ruminate, it would just go right back to ruminating. Other thoughts were coming up. What-ifs, false memories, rumination, new thoughts. It almost felt like it was faster than I could even react. The theme i was dealing with is gone now, having been “figured out” as a false memory - which i kind of knew, but was still trying to sit with the uncertainty - and another huge theme related to it and directly as a result of whatever this was has taken it’s place, and it’s left me absolutely exhausted and just feeling so depressed and hopeless, and hating myself and hating being me. And this is how it’s been - I deal with one theme, a new one appears within the hour, and if i step away from my phone or laptop for even just five minutes, the thoughts are relentless. I’m not sure if it’s because i have so much free time, being unemployed and having graduated college? Or if it has anything to do with the ADHD i strongly suspect i have? Is this just extreme OCD? Has anyone else ever experienced this? What did you do to handle it?

But now I feel like I'm just spiraling. Intrusive thoughts and false memories escalating to the worst possible outcomes. I could barely eat for the rest of the day. Ugh I can't help but feel like I just want to curl up in a ball and stay in bed forever. This is the worst feeling in the world.

6 months ago I had a severe panic attack and it’s changed my life. Scared of 99% of foods, can’t take meds out of fear, been hospitalized a few times cause of blood sugar drops and other health scares due to poor eating. I’m constantly scanning my body finding any little thing that’s uncomfortable and then fixate and panic over the smallest things. Whether be a smell I’m unfamiliar with, a weird sensation in my arm literally anything freaks me out….. who has had success with exposure or has dealt with similar issues. I feel like I’m unintentionally slowly killing myself but I’m too scared for meds and therapy doesn’t seem to make much of a dent right now. Please share some success stories I need hope.

I’ve been dealing with ocd for years when it first happened it tore me apart I completely convinced myself I was the worst person on earth and I could not continue after months my ocd jumped to different themes and each one usually distracted me from another. Fast forward I recently went through another bad episode constantly focusing on the past and how I’m a horrible disgusting person comparing my story to everything I could and coming to the conclusion mines the worst and therefore I’m X or Y then it went into somatic/idk if I actually have this incurable condition that terrifies me but now it’s both it’s the uncomfortable sensations and going back on certain memories that I can’t tell if are real/don’t want to be real/ don’t make complete sense but feel real and now I can’t get out of the idea that even ifs not real I’m always gonna think it might be idk it’s a lot I just know I don’t want to be these things and never will ever want to be. I want to confess again so bad but my bf is not understanding at all like these “memories” or thoughts genuinely traumatized me when I remembered them.

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Is this ocd ? Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? Can someone help me ?because I'm really hopeless. I csnt afford any help sincr im a minor and I need support

TW warning: ZOCD, real events, and animal neglect. I feel like if I'm nice to animals or think about having a pet in the future I'm being a hypocrite, one of the things i saw at 10-12 years old because of my porn addiction and exposure were horrible videos involving animals, and i had a kitten at 9 years old, i didn't know the responsibility of having a pet, yet i loved my cat very much and when we couldn't take it to the vet because we didn't have money, it came back with wounds, bleeding, i cried a lot and i regretted so much having been so inconsiderate and dumb to ask for a cat when we didn't have money or the appropiate place to keep it safe. My parents refused to take him to the vet or a shelter, and one day it ran away from home and never came back. I feel like i'll never be able to interact normally or have a pet without being a hypocrite. I'm horrible

Being exposed to taboo p*rn as young as first grade ruined my life and now ocd is making me pay for it. I have so much guilt for being a child/teen and looking at taboo stuff, and it was all fictional or anime or whatever but it was still so so gross. and I didn't realize It because I had been used to it at so young 🫠 I think what haunts me most is when I was a kid/young teen (like 12-14ish) and didn't have access to p*rn I'd imagine stuff similar to what I'd seen in the art. I can't even believe I'd imagine scenarios involving kid characters or whatever because it had been so normalized to me and I assumed it was normal since it was fiction. I'm 23 now so it's been a decade since I've done anything like that and I've never had the urge to since but still. I've NEVER been attracted to kids or had any urges or anything ever, even when I was addicted. The thought makes me want to vomit, I'd rather die than associate anything sexual with kids/minors and I think people who groom or assault kids are vile. But I still feel like the fact that I imagined stuff similar to the things I read sometimes when I was young is proof I'm a p*do. I don't think people would believe me if I said I'm not. I just feel like I don't deserve to live or that if I do, I'm living a lie. I know 'I was a kid too' but even when I was 13/14 I read/imagined stuff with characters younger than me because I thought it was normal. I'm so disgusted. I've had this theme for so long I'm starting to wonder if ocd is right. I feel too ashamed to tell my therapist.

Hi everyone :) I'm fighting with false memory/real event ocd right now and I just need somebody to be completely honest with me. Last year i met a new colleague and she's gorgeous. I was feeling a little self conscious about my looks but it wasn't like I couldn't stand her or anything. I tend to always compare my bf to other boyfriends and when she showed me her bf I THINK (i'm not sure) my head went "oh oh what if he's better looking. What if you'd rather have a bf like him than yours? " but also statements and not only "What ifs". I remember liking talking to her because she's a very good listener but she told me that she knew her now boyfriend while she was with her ex still and they met each other again through friends and she broke up with her ex back then because he was kind of toxic. This was a huge trigger for me too. And she's like 4 years younger than me, you could tell by the way she was acting and no offense but i was just not fully vibing with her. Now my head keeps telling me that I didn't want to stay in contact with her because I thought that her bf is better looking than my bf I have to hide my bf WHICH DOESNT MAKE SENSE I LITERALLY SHOWED HER PICTURES OF MY BF. I love my boyfriend so much it make me sick to my stomach to even think about this being true. Am I an as*hole?

I usually don’t post on here but today has just been something else. my normal 20 minute drive to work took me 50 minutes, and my way home from work took me another 50 minutes, and then getting back in my car to drive back and forth around for like another hour. allll because of hit and run ocd. i’ve been conquering ocd now for quite some time and i was doing so great, all of a sudden the intrusive thoughts/images are like a level 10 anxiety. today when i drove around again to check the roads i went on, the compulsion barely even worked to ease my anxiety momentarily since my brain would come up with a new one the moment i got to the street. at some point i had to be like ok this is out of control im going home. now i sit at home dwelling on my whole drive! mentally reviewing (my go to compulsion with this theme) is not working either, cause my brain won’t let me like fully see the memory. it keeps giving me what ifs and blurry confusing memories. just looking to see if anyone relates as this is one of the most lonely themes ever for me :’) and it feels embarrassing for me when the people around me are witnessing it!

Hi everyone :) My name is Ezzy, joining from Germany. I've always had OCD since I was a little kid (I'm 23 now). Since I'm in my first real relationship for over two years, my OCD decided to cling onto it. I struggle A LOT with false memory ocd too. The thing I wanted to talk about today is about false memory OCD too I think but I'm really not sure. But I want to accept the fact that yes, maybe it did happen the exact same way. But I feel nauseous accepting it. Last year in August I think I met a new colleague and she is GORGEOUS!! She showed me her boyfriend and my head immediately started comparing her bf to mine. The part which I am very unsure about is that I got envious of her boyfriend. Now as much as I remember I never had that problem before but my head keeps telling me that this definitely happened. Let's say it did happen, how can I cope with this? I feel disgusting even thinking about this. Please tell me how to deal with this. I don't want to confess to my boyfriend but it feels so wrong not to. Thank You in advance ❤️

PLSSS READ!!! TW: Hi. I’m not diagnosed with OCD, but I wanted to say that I have been wondering if I am. I’m not on here looking for a diagnosis. But 4 months ago I tried an edible for the first time and had a terrible experience. I was feeling like I wasn’t in the same dimension or anything. I was scared I wasn’t in control of myself and I thought I might hurt my friends. (I didn’t) but it was awful. That led to agoraphobia, and harm intrusive thoughts. I started sertraline but that had me so emotional and caused SI. So I decided to stop. Shortly after that I started experiencing panic attacks and DPDR. At first it was just the dp now I just feel like nothing around me is real, like everything is a figment of my imagination or fake. It’s super scary because there is a battle going back in forth in my mind all day about being real or not. One I try actively not to engage in. But it just takes that one thought to snag on to something I really care about like my mom being real or anything. I still experience intrusive thoughts but they are not as loud. The logic side and the irrational side of my brain bicker all day and then I’m like what should I listen to. There is this gut wrenching feeling in my stomach when I have the thought that nothing is real especially my mom. Then recently I’ve started to fear I’m hallucinating or schizophrenic. Or that maybe my mind is here but my body is else where doing something horrible. This is so hard to explain to family and friends. I am just drained. Insurance is off right now and NOCD doesn’t accept my insurance. I’m talking to a counselor and my therapist before the insurance got cut off practiced cbt with me and I was about to start a dbt program. But I guess I’m just so lost. Like I’m scared for when insurance comes back on to get a diagnosis because if it is OCD I’ve had it for all this time and haven’t know I guess? And I do a lot of mental checking but not physical. So idk it’s confusing it’s hard to feel like I could live a full life like this. most people make it seem like they can’t be happy and get married, etc with OCD. I’m terrified to find out if I have it or not and I’m not sure how to manage anymore. If you take medicine and have OCD or painful rumination does it help? I’m really scared to try again because I don’t want to feel how I did before and have to stop. I’m terrified. I’m also a Christian so I’m trying so hard to trust God didn’t bring me this far to leave me just because of one edible! But I’m miserable!! Thanks if you read to the end

I come on here and I see everyone’s situation with OCD and I feel so bad for everyone dealing with this because I know like people don’t deserve this but I feel like if you guys were to know about my actual situation you guys are probably tell me I’m doing this to myself because I feel like I’m definitely the exception Here like it’s getting into a poem. I’m just like I don’t think OCD gets this realistic.

First of all I am French so sorry if my writing skills are not the best. So I guess I have always suffer from OCD. I always needed to check things to seek for reassurance. First that was with objects, closed door, windows, stoves … But about 3 years ago it’s started getting worse, I mean I started to understand that something was wrong. So I started to be scared to pee myself in public. So I started to touch my legs to see if everything was alright ( I still do it ).But I somehow find a way to calm my anxiety and to keep it undercover so I never talk about it before the 1 December 2024. In fact, something happened the 1 December 2024 and since then I have been struggling so bad due to a false memory on a real event. So to give you more context I always felt really anxious after parties. I always needed a friend to tell me that everything was ok. 3 years ago my boyfriend and I started dating. He is really so perfect for me is like the man I have always dreamt of I have never felt anxious near him or because of him. But after a party with or without him I still always check if I didn’t do something bad to feel better and not stress about things that did not happen. And recently I had OCD thoughts about cheating. Like for exemple at work a male coworker acted strange with me and I started panicking because I told myself that I had sex with me but didn’t remember it. It stayed a week in my mind because I didn’t want to cheat on my boyfriend I thought I was an horrible person. And then this obsession started to calm down because I knew that it was impossible. But I went to a party with my uncle we had few drinks but I wasn’t wasted drunk we finished the night into a club and a guy started to say flirty things to me and I know I told him I was in a relationship so the discussion stopped and I went dancing. While I was dancing I started to felt anxious and needed to check with this guy if I wasn’t firlty and if nothing happened he told me that no and that he wishes me the best for my relationship. But the day after I started to feel so anxious I had the feeling I cheated on my bf I felt so bad and so strange because I knew I didn’t do anything but I was so scared I did it and forgot ( it’s impossible because I was talking to my bff and bf the entire night and I told them everything that this guy told me) the day after the party I asked my uncle if I did something bad he told me no but the even with his confirmation I wasn’t in peace I was so scared that I did something bad that will cause me to lose my boyfriend. So I told everything to my bf I told him that I know I didn’t cheat on him but I was still so scared I did. He reassured me but I felt even worst because he was the one reassuring me and I was feeling like the bad one. So I asked a friend to asked the guy of the party If something happened that night he told her no so I felt better during a week but the feeling came back because i was scared that he didn’t understand the question and so give a wrong answer. Now it’s been 2 months I still have some doubts I now I didn’t do anything but I am so scared I cheated on my bf. Sometimes it’s like I am trap in the past and I can move on from this event that didn’t happen. I am scared of losing my boyfriend and of being a really bad person it’s so paralyzing. Sorry that was long ahah

So, I know my capacity to get fixated on things. And it's normally something that's relatively remote but, my latest issue is really getting to me and I was wondering if people have any advice. I'm avoiding getting too into specifics, as I don't want this to get reassurance-y but, in essence.. I came to the realisation recently that people who I'd been "friends" (feels like the wrong term now) when I was younger were not very nice people, and normalized a lot of very unpleasant behaviour towards other members of the group. They really normalized it, sold themselves as figures of authority, as older and more responsible and grown-up than others, and looking back, they acted horribly. And coming to this realisation, that I'd been manipulated into just accepting their behaviour has just... broken me. My OCD has latched onto it and I can't stop feeling irreversibly tainted by it. I've talked to others about it, and they've reassured me, told me it's not a big deal and that I hold myself to too high a standard, but none of that sticks. I feel better for a bit, then think 'Maybe when you told them you were skewing it to make yourself look better' or 'Did you leave out a crucial detail'. I keep ruminating over and over, trying to remember exactly how everything played out, trying to figure out if I fed into the behaviour, if I did something bad myself (because y'know, I feel like I was accepting of it at the time, so what does it say about my own values?). I know I need to stop doing all this if I want to improve, but then some part of me keeps saying 'So, you're just going to let yourself off the hook then?' Normally, I can rationalize my own fears to some degree, assure myself something won't happen, but the realness of the situation, and the fact I only came to understand the reality of it because the thought had been bothering me means it feels so much more all-encompassing. I know confessing in itself is a compulsion, but I keep feeling that if I'm not I'm somehow concealing what I 'really am' from others around me, and any positive interactions are me deceiving them in some way. I feel like I can't enjoy anything in life right now, and a good part of me feels I should not enjoy it ever again. If anybody has any advice on it, I'm all ears. Or even hearing if you relate to these feelings, I might appreciate the solidarity at least.