Welcome to
the NOCD Community

anyone else have ROCD that has no desire to kiss their boyfriend, I almost feel like an ick when I do, I'm scared. Help!

Hi all, I’m brand new to this app. I’ve never had any mental disorders. I’ve never been diagnosed or even suspected that I had some kind of issue going on. But recently my partner gently pointed out to me that I’ve developed some weird tendencies that are progressively getting worse. I’m getting overly anxious about the smallest of things. Every time he leaves for work, I stare at the tracker on my phone until he gets through his 25 minute commute because I’m convinced there will be a wreck. I’m terrified that someone is constantly taking pictures of me through my windows and even feel like people can see through my (solid) blinds at night. Every time I hear someone in the hallway of my apartment complex I stare out the peephole because I’m convinced they’re going to break in, even if it’s a neighbor that I recognize. I check myself for lumps in my body every morning and every night, and my partner too, even though neither of us have any scary medical history. I unplug everything with a cord every night before I go to bed because I’m terrified that something is faulty and my apartment will catch on fire. I am constantly afraid of being sued by people I don’t know even though the worst thing I’ve ever done is gotten a speeding ticket. I have dreams that people are sending me threatening mail and it stops me from opening my actual mail. There are so many more, I could go on forever. Writing it all down, I know it’s stupid. I just don’t know if feeling this way is normal. There are people out there that have actual stressors and here I am working myself up a million times a day over nothing. Do normal people feel like this? I thought it was normal.

i’m anxious because after my boyfriend and i got in a argument i was “daydreaming” or thinking about what it would be like dating someone else who was more “right for me” and what if i was excited about that possibility like i had already moved on from my boyfriend. but when i really think about it i don’t want to be without him and don’t want to picture us breaking up. i know i love him but those other thoughts scared me and im now questioning if they mean im falling out of love with him. and if that’s the case i feel like i need to confess that. but at the same time these thoughts could be ocd because the “daydreaming” started after we had been getting in arguments a lot and then i kept seeing other couples interact online and i compare my relationship to that. but then when i think about my own relationship i have everything i want and am being treated how i want to be treated. i’m just scared that because i have had those thoughts about being with someone else that i need to break up him because our relationship is tainted now and i need to start over and do everything perfectly. i think these thoughts are triggered my us fighting and him not fully understanding my rocd and me looking at relationships where the boyfriend understands the girlfriends ocd and supports her and wanting my relationship to me more like that. which logically i know doesn’t mean we have to break up and i need to start over. i can just bring up this issue and communicate what i want and how i want to be supported. i just feel like i need to confess all these thoughts and that i “daydreamed” about being with someone else (no one in particular) and how im now focused on his flaws in comparison to couples online.

I was good with my themes kinda, and then I felt the ocd switch so that was expected. But this one feels different, since my ocd I’ve been more accepting of gay people, I believe in God and that he created life and people as they are, and don’t believe that it’s necessarily wrong to be gay, but my boyfriend believes that being gay is a sin, he’s not discriminating or disrespectful to anyone. He has never let it impact the way it treats anyone like ever. This topic has only come up in conversation like twice in the 4 years we’ve been together and both times it was while I had soocd so it felt super sensitive to talk about. But now, I’m grasping more with seeing him as his own person again and not comfort for my ocd, so my ocd is clinging onto this one difference between us and it truly feels now like this is a dealbreaker, even though this has never impacted our relationship together at all. It wouldn’t impact the way we raise our kids or treat other people but just the fact that he thinks that makes me ocd think it’s enough that I’ll want to find someone else with the same view as me. I know deep down I don’t want to break up because when I’m not focused on this flaw, I feel happy and in tune with him. Does anyone have any advice ?:(

Hello, im a 21ye old male. All of my life i was always atrscted to girls, even if it was only a hug by a girl i liked i got a boner. I always fantasised about doing fun stuff (not onyl sex) with my gf. Had a gf for almost two years. Two months ago i fell into severe anxiety about my sexuality changing. It happened to me 2 years ago bit then i had my gf and i did not need to worry if i will find a girl i love or will i be able to because i already had her. The toughts were realy intense but they faded and for 2 years i did not experience any doubts or fears about it. Then it happened again in december. For 2-3 weeks i was realy down...constant toughts about doing things with men i never wanted to do, fear that i liked someone, fear of denial...but them bc of getting back with my girlfriend it was okay for three weeks almosf. Then we broke up again and after a few days i had the worst days of my life. I felt like i actually changed, i did not know what to do. Then after a week I went out with a girl and when she laid on me when we wafched a show I got aroused like i always did with my ex. I felt such relief and i could handle my fears and anxiety for almost a month. Then a week ago the fear returned and i am again in a very bad spot, i dont know what else to do, i have no girl that i love, i am afraid i will never be able to experience those same feelings and moment that i had with my ex and then again the toughts of being in denial came back. I dont know what to do. My psychiatrist said i dont have ocd but onyl simptoms and that my anxiety is the proboem. Any one experienced something similar? Thanks

I’m new to the app and wanting to know who else experiences this form of ocd. Some background I was a therapist for over 10 years now I am out of the clinical space. So I have background knowledge of ocd but never knew much about relationship ocd. I realized over the last several years with my now fiancé, that I have a hard time just letting go in general, whether that’s an argument or statement or feeling. I want to be able to just accept things at face value and move on (and talk later if my partner is ready as needed). But when conflict arises I can’t disengage till there is a clear resolution. It’s causing serious strife as he can feel trapped and it escalates the argument. I am reading more and this sounds like relationship OCD. Anyone else experience this? Curious on what others have done to work on this for themselves. I do have a therapist but we are not doing work in this area yet as I am realizing this is an actual concern.

I’m looking at old pictures and videos of my ex and I didn’t feel a spark or anything looking at them. During our relationship there were times I found her attractive and other times I didn’t. Almost like her weight triggered me and I felt guilty about that because I really tried to not focus on that. I don’t know why I was/am so fixated on her weight. I was doing the “what ifs” as a form of ERP. I was saying in my head, “what if she’s big what if she’s not” while looking at these pictures and videos. And then looking at it again, I was trying to remember what I felt when I was with her and took out the physical and it made my anxiety go down a bit. But I don’t wanna force anything or get myself too hyped up but for that second I felt at ease. I’m ngl I’m a little more confident then I was a year ago w/ myself. Sometimes I ask myself, “was I fixated on her weight and certain people seeing her bc I was uncomfortable about how I looked?” I’m trying to sit with uncertainty. I know this is a process and I am scared what’s gonna happen. “What if she moves on? What if I do?” I feel like I don’t know what love is anymore or if I ever was attracted to her in the first place. I’m also scared that if she does lose weight I’ll like her more and become more attracted. I’ve looked a pictures of her before and it triggers me bc I am attracted a little bit more and that makes me feel guilty. I know looks aren’t everything and they shouldn’t be. She’s honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Does there need to be a spark all the time or does it fade in a relationship? Before getting on this app and seeing a therapist, we were talking everyday and I felt like when we would FaceTime I would look at her physical and my instrusive thoughts would kick in. I noticed that certain ways she layed or turned her head, I felt more attracted to her and I hated that. She had dyed her hair back in November and I felt more attracted to her , but my thoughts got to me and I felt like if I flirted it would come off fake. My thoughts would say, “she’s more attractive bc she has different color.” I kept my distance because I thought maybe if I continue to see my therapist and get on medication i would feel differently. I was hoping something would happen or I would feel something like I did when we first got together. But I’ll be honest when I first met her I wasn’t attracted. So maybe this isn’t an OCD thing? I’m confused. But I feel more confident with myself now, but I know I still have a long way to go. I’ve only been in therapy for 6 months. I’m just getting impatient and I’m trying not to.

i have a very strong fear of cheating on my partner due to past experiences in my relationship and so i was scrolling through old messages and i saw i was texting another girl i used to play video games and i also tried to get together with and in this conversation we had talked about how i had got a girlfriend and then we played some games but the messages just seem flirty and i guess i just feel guilty or like what if i cheated and didn’t remember or were my intentions at the time to be flirty does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?

TW!!!! TW! Not talking abt SOCD in talking abt those really gross intrusive thoughts about sexual things with family ,friends, animals, random people. Mine is with family specifically my mom and I am so scared and my OCD is saying I actually want these thoughts to happen irl. I’m scared and these thoughts aren’t just the average incest thoughts there are sooo messed up it crazy, a few weeks ago I gas a thought that I was pregnant with that family member I mentioned before and I know ewwwwww wtf it’s sooo bad and I’m scared ppl will judge me for it in here or my therapist I’m so scared and it keeps adding to this thought like what it would be like if that were true and it’s sounds so crazy and gross and f****d up I feel so guilty and scared and I don’t wanna do ERP cuz I’m scared worse thoughts will come and your probably think well I can’t get worse then that but unfortunately it probably could anyways I’m sorry for ranting and pls pls reply cuz I feel rlly alone cuz I feel like no one gets THESE thoughts aghhh 😖

As some of you might very seen from my (spam) posts about my situation I'm not diagnosed with ocd but I'm seeing a local counselor. I'm terribly scared of being secretly in love with someone else or being attracted to someone else outside my relationship, in this case S (if you want a more detailed version u can see my other posts). Long story short: The psychologist confirmed my fear and told me not to think about the thoughts until the next appointment and live in the present ( if it was that simple I would've done it already). Safe to say it sent me and still sending me into a big spiral where I had this big panick attack because I feel the world shattered and my fear is true and then I was just faking everything and not accepting it and it's making me fee so bad as I type this. I had a big panick attack while going back home and had to sit on the sidewalk because I couldnt breathe and was about to throw up. I don't know what to do and if someone has advice I'd be glad to listen.

I’ve been with my partner for about 7 years. I thought I was over the ROCD for a while. But I’ve been under a lot of stress. I’m moving in with him next week, but I lost my job due to severe anxiety and depression affecting my job. (I hated working there) It’s been stressful trying to find another job while moving and I’ve noticed I would occasionally get intrusive thoughts, but I managed to ignore them, especially with the help of medication. However just today I went shopping for groceries and this stranger asked for my number and called me cute. I can’t lie it was flattering but I rejected him and confirmed I had a partner and it was serious. He was very friendly about it and I went home. But now I’m getting these intrusive thoughts like “You want him instead of your partner.” “You’d rather be with him.” “You felt flattered so you want to be in a relationship with him instead and cheat on your partner or break up with your partner.” It’s been so hard since coming back home because while I was flattered, my brain keeps thinking I’ve cheated for some reason or want to cheat or break up with my partner. For reference, I’m demisexual which means I don’t have any attraction until I develop a strong emotional connection with someone. So I wasn’t attracted to this stranger but I keep thinking I am? I really hate this because I love my partner so much and I thought I was over all of this. Any advice when a flare up like this happens? I assume it’s a flare up because I hate how real it feels, it makes me feel sick with anxiety.

Does anyone find that sometimes they can’t tell if they are feeling better or if they are ruminating or doing internal checks and compulsions to feel better? I sort of go back and forth on this, some days I am really able to let thoughts kind of roll through my head and when I’m doing it right it creates a lot of anxiety in my body, but my mind feels more empty and more quiet but physically people around me can tell I’m in distress. Then Sometimes I think I’m feeling better because the anxiety feeling in my chest is gone and my body feels light and people think I’m in a better mood but then I realize I’m reassuring my self over in my mind and on those days my mind feels so full and loud and like I’m in a battle but those are the days that are easier for loved ones around me. I am a people pleaser on top of this so it’s easy for me to slip into the rumination and internal compulsions to make others around me feel more comfortable. I don’t know if anyone else goes through this kind of back and forth but it’s so draining. Also if anyone has any good material my wife could read to help her understand this stuff more that would be really appreciated

How to stop overthinking my boyfriend is cheating? He’s cheated before yes.. only once!! (not physically cheating BUT Cheating is cheating I get it)…. I’m still trying to heal and not be so insecure and self doubting myself like I did something wrong or that I’m not enough.. he hasn’t done it again since that day but I still overthink and still feel like I need to check through his social media accounts but I still have this fear but it’s like I know he’s not?? Idk if this makes sense I just need some friendly advice!! Please be respectful!! ❤️‍🩹 I want me and partner to move forward but I constantly keep thinking about it.. that was the one bad thing he’s did in our relationship..we’ve been together for almost two years

I've been in this relationship for 1.5 yrs on and off and what I like about her is She's smart, beautiful, cleans, she says she loves me, she cooks for me. But what I noticed about this person from the beginning is that she is negative about her past, such as getting her things stolen, going to mental hospitals back to back and people did her wrong. And I was there to be there for her such as when she is in pain, I take her to doctors, or whatever I can do to make her feel better. But I've noticed throughout the relationship that she checks on my phone and checks if im talking to someone. And always mixes up with her memory thinking I cheating on her on the relationship.. honestly her memory is not clear. Most of the time she would ask me am I talking to a girl or when I do uber do I casual talk to them, and the conversation I have is just about, How's the neighborhood here? The food around here. About God.. Nothing flirtatious what's so ever. But she always give me a conversation about other women. 2x I spoke to her about my ocd. (1st time I broke up with her because she was angry at me, and I can understand and so I broke it off) One was sexual thoughts during sex 2nd time (is an ex theme) Because I know she hates these subjects so I avoid it. This is why I tell myself don't have these thoughts, the more I don't want them, it appears in my awareness and it causes me emotional distress. I've told her about it (it could be a compulsion) she wasn't happy and seemed mad about it. So I just feel like just call it quits... because I've tried my very best to get rid of these thoughts and don't want to give her pain. I can understand why she is angry and that she loves me ( she reaches out and wants to work things out ) But what I truly do not like is when she gets mad when there are no problems such as that uber issue, she would say ok if you do that I'll talk to guys then, (in my head, what do you mean? In what way? I wasn't flirtatious or anything) What I believe is how we grew up and raised different. Throughout the relationship, when we argue (mostly about women, about her issues like who are you texting is it a girl? She would vent all the time about how she hates her workplace and jumps from job to job) My beliefs if we love each other, we should encourage each other to grow. there is no reason to opposing us from growing - to be angry, jealous, arguments etc. I do believe in God. That is why most of the time I feel like she is always talking about the past mistakes - she talked down on me about being with a prostitute - 7 yrs ago (way before this relationship started). She curses alot.. And for all these reasons I should quit the relationship. But she has the nerve to say I am unstable and that she is tired of hearing I keep kicking her out the house (it didn't happen, but she doesn't realize my needs - as in why aren't we growing from this area? - as in why are you always mad at people from work? Or why do you get annoyed all the time? I give her advice in these areas but she knows im tired of hearing about this. So she talks to her family about it. But i realized she wanted me to care for her... i do but i also do tough love... we cant just vent 24/7.) And when I told her about my ocd and broken up due to the fact of having sexual images ( I can't control it) She moved to TX and I visited her a couple times. She said she is suffering without me. And so i took her back. She don't like to talk about exes so the theme ex stuck in my head and I wanted to get rid of it. That's what cause the second breakup. I confessed to her about my problems of why the breakup happened and it seemed like she couldn't accept it , she does not understand ocd and she said she don't care. I blocked her and she was going to send me a message saying she will be there for me and love me alot and wants to grow together. But I am still resentful for what happened. Til this day I'm still afraid of her and my thoughts whenever I'm around her. -- Now she wants to marry me.. but I'm unsure because it seems forceful and that she doesn't understand what I'm going through. Even when we communicate I feel she will judge me for my ocd (even when i look for help) and I feel resentful because I feel like I did nothing wrong. There is no other woman involved, no cheating. It's just my ocd and she keeps saying I think of my ex all the time. I am not trying to hold on to flaws but thinking back of her patterns haunts me. I love her. We have seperated for months and she said she is having problems with the landlord.. So it tells me something why is she having problems with other people alot?? Whenever she's around my ocd flares up, when she's not around I feel ease but in a week, I would feel like I miss her and want to be back with her again... it's really confusing -- Today, I did ERP and the thought appeared less but she wants to be back with me and move in with me. And also marry me. But today I've been thinking of her flaws (angry, suspect me alot if there is another woman, use petty things when there arent any real issue.. the real issue is she is annoyed all the time). We say we love each other. I do love her. Sometimes I want to quit permanently, sometimes I don't. I'm confused, is this OCD? I don't know if I should stay with her. Thanks for reading my post. Any advice is appreciated. I'll also message this to my therapist. I dont feel distressed about breaking up, but can these thoughts lead you to breaking up? ( I think I answered my own question but need to know)

So me and my boyfriend have been dating for a few months but seriously talking for around 8. I have never met anyone so perfect and amazing. I love him so much. Into our talking stage i kissed my ex situation-ship and ever since have been dealing with the consequences. He forgave me and gave me another chance and i have shown him how much i care every day since. He is over it now since it was only in our talking stage. I have had thoughts with my ex name, thoughts i hate my boyfriend, always constantly thinking if im bored, if i love him. It switches day by day and impacts my life constantly. I don’t feel like myself at all. Some days i can’t do it. I just want to be happy and secure with him. my thought from the past few days is that i want to be single and hook up with other people. I don’t actually want to hook up with others but i feel so terrible and guilty. Does anyone else deal with this? Sometimes i can’t tell the difference between my real thoughts and the fake ones. I have been debating breaking up with my boyfriend because i feel like it’s best but i would be so sad. He is perfect and i see myself marrying him.

i feel fake towards my boyfriend , im scared im pretending and that i dint want to accept that i dont like him, he is showing me affection and care and i am numb and scared

I’m almost 6 months in since I started ERP therapy. I’ve noticed little changes. I still have a long way to go. I feel myself growing a little impatient because I thought I’d be further and have everything figured out out by now, but this is a process. I’ve talked about my ex a lot on here and to my therapist. We’ve done some ERP procedures. Some have helped and some I’m still working on. I saw someone post something about how you’re attracted to your partner and then sometimes you’re not. I’ve been struggling w/ this for almost 2 years now. (The attraction). When I first met my ex I wasn’t attracted. I thought maybe over time the attraction would grow. We met in late June almost 2 years ago. I’m a little nervous posting what I’m finna post, but maybe someone is going though something similar. My birthday is in August so she had brought me a early birthday gift at the end of July. It was really sweet. She wasn’t able to come in August for my birthday so I went out with my family to a baseball game. I’ve talked to my mom, therapist (at the time), and cousin about what I’m about to say next and they all said, “I didn’t do anything wrong.” But I still believe I did bc I new better and I don’t think it had anything to do w/ ocd. I feel like this was my real feelings. I had a girl on snap I use to talk to about a year prior. I remember thinking I wanna see if she was gonna wish me a happy birthday so I filmed a video of myself drinking beer at a baseball game. I guess I posted it for her, she ended up seeing it, but didn’t text HBD on snap. Immediately I felt guilty and deleted it. But before posting it I thought about it and this next part is so messed up I still feel ashamed to this day but I had a thought that popped saying, “ she’s not that attractive anyways and she didn’t give u a good gift ..so post.” After I had that thought I did. I held onto that thought and felt guilt for an entire year. Now I don’t wanna tell her business on here, but there were things that were happening health wise and someone very close to her passed. It’s almost like I was trying to find the right moment to tell her and everytime I wanted to something happened. And I know that’s not her fault. I felt guilt everyday. I would pray to god saying “I cheated, she’s never gonna forgive me etc.” Everytime I saw her i felt bad and guilty and what’s she was going through. (By the way I told her about the whole snap chat thing minjs the attractive/ gift part) I just feel like there’s some things you shouldn’t say. I felt suicidal and felt this overwhelming anxiety. She told me that she’s been cheated on in the passed and I thought I was another girl who was gonna break her heart. And also if I knew that then why would I do that? So few months go by and I drive there and she drives to my house. She would offer to buy me things , but I felt I didn’t deserve that so I would always tell her, “no that’s okay.” Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore I had to talk to my mom about it. She told me I didn’t do anything wrong. But I’m asking myself why do I feel so guilty. Damn near crying every night . Eventually it went away because of that “reassurance.” And it was more about me posting that pic for that girl to see, not about her weight. So now it’s January of 2024, I felt better bc I explained to my mom about what happened, but now I new theme popped up. One day we were hanging out in her bedroom and I don’t know if I put my hand on her stomach or what , but I felt guilty. Like why would I do that? “Am I trying to make her skinnier?” So now I was stuck on her appearance. I felt like I couldn’t talk to her because instrusive thoughts would pop up here and there I couldn’t joy my time with her. I began to question myself am I in this relationship bc I feel bad what she’s going though health wise or do I really love her? I really do believe I loved her, but I almost can’t remember and my mind twisting everything. And why was my mind so fixated on her weight? It doesn’t matter and it shouldn’t matter. The amount of times I’ve looked up YouTube videos about “does attraction matter in a relationship?” I think you should be attracted , but it’s not everything. It’s about how the person makes you feel. She made me feel good, made me laugh and smile. She was easy to talk to. Idk I’m kinda getting confused with the definition of “Love.” Like what really is it? I thought love was loving someone unconditionally no matter what they look like. I remember being more attracted when she wore her hairstyle one way then another day it would be something different . So is that really love? I hear people say love is a choice all the time. Are you suppose to feel a spark all the time? Or does spark come and go? And I feel like if u didn’t feel attracted to them you wouldnt be intimate. I think my dads side of the family effected me and made me feel less confident and I felt bad bc that rubbed off on her. It’s like I was stressed and nervous what I thought they thought of her when they saw her and I took my anxiety out on her.😞 I tried my best to have a poker face and not let it get to me but it did. I tried to be the strong one for both of us. So sometimes I’m like she deserves someone better who’s proud to be with her. But I feel more confident than I did a year ago. Like if we were to go out, I would hold her hand. Also guys this the first time I came out to my family so it might have been right but everything was new to me. I thought telling her everything would make me feel better and it did, but now these thoughts are coming up again. We aren’t talking anymore. I feel like over time my OCD got worse and this wasn’t when I was diagnosed. I got diagnosed September of 2024. Idk I’ve talked to my mom a lot about this and I’m thankful that I have her. She was saying you were doing the best you could then. I feel like it wasn’t enough and she keeps saying, “you didn’t know what any of this was.” So idk the more I didn’t get help did I just go completely numb? I feel like I’m in denial and maybe I never was attracted. I don’t know I guess I felt like I was lying to her about how I felt. But I really do believe I was in love at one point and it just went away. Part of me questions if I didn’t have OCD would things have played out differently? And why do I find myself missing her more when I’m PMSING and when I’m on my period then when I’m not. It’s like I almost don’t care about her ask much and I don’t like that . I rather feel my emotions than feel numb. I try not to think about the “what ifs,” but I’m scared for the unknown. Like what if she meets someone else? What if I do? I’m almost scared to talk to someone new bc I feel like I’m gonna have negative thoughts about my ex. My mom says I should get back on dating sites to just see how I feel, but I’m not mentally ready for that. I’m the type of person who doesn’t adapt well with change and it takes me a long time to move on from someone. We technically been broken up since end of June. But tried to work things out and middle of January of this year she said she was basically “done for now.” I feel like I wore her out with my OCD and putting a lot of stress on her and she said that she felt like I made her my punching bag. Like that doesn’t make me feel good. I know she was trying her best to understand OCD. If you don’t have it, it’s hard to explain and understand. She’s definitely changed me for the better. 2 years ago i was a mess and completely broken. You can’t just forget about someone who’s helped you and was there for you and didn’t give up. But she got to the point where she told me “how much more can I take?” I didn’t realize she felt that way and I felt so guilty bc I never wanted her to get to that point. I feel like I lost her for good. And I’m not asking you guys to feel sorry for me. I know I could’ve done things better, but I’m trying to better myself now. Maybe one day we’ll find one another again or maybe we won’t. I’ll always love her tho. I guess I’m still having conflicting feelings. She feels like my person. She makes me feel good, she listens, she makes me laugh and she’s brought me closer to god. ✨🤍 I’m tryna stay strong and tryna fight. My cousin said something one time that resonated with me. She said, “my mind is my biggest bully” and its true. I posted yesterday about how I’m lost and feel anger, and confusion. I’m trying to have some faith. Is there any one that related to anything I mentioned or have a verse that helps them try and get through day by day? Also thank you for taking your time to hear me out and read this.

I would love some advice. I recently graduated from college in December, I will be attending law school in August of this year. There is an eight month gap for me to fill. I cling to things I know I can control like grades/work, focusing on them gives me comfort and takes away from the stress of things I can’t control. Right now I have no classes or job, i’m trying really hard to find a job for the time being, but i’ve been out of luck so far. This has left my mind is a constant search for control and reassurance. I’m beginning to over calculate every word I say and thing I do, it’s become exhausting. I’ve been calling out my Girlfriend for pulling away and not wanting me, when in reality she is just busier than me. I’m constantly looking for reassurance from her and if I don’t get it to the degree my mind manufactured, then I start a fight. I know the simple answer to my issue is getting a job, and i’m trying so hard to, but in the meantime, how can I keep my head on straight?

I have unhelpful habits that I hate having in life, and being left on read and deleting messages is one of them. In the past, I've had experiences where I would try to add something to a conversation and nothing but dead air added to it. No one would say anything and they would just act like nothing was said at all. It was really weird and it sort of taught me in my head that I shouldn't speak my mind about the things I want to with others. It's happened a lot lot less as an adult and it only really happens when someone has the attention of one person 1 on 1, but it happens quite a bit when texting people. Someone at the time, who was my crush just didn't say a whole lot in return when I tried reaching out to her, which at the time made me feel like she didn't really care to have time to talk to me. And while that's probably not true, sometimes, there are just people that might not want to talk to me all that much. I feel this way about other people I don't really know but it's only because I really don't know them all that well. When I do get to know them or get close to them by hanging out with them enough times, that goes away pretty quickly and consistently. But with some other people, it doesn't go away and it makes things awkward. I totally understand that people are busy and that they just may want to do other things, and I'm not putting any fault on them at all. If things don't really get anywhere, they don't get anywhere. I'll just stop trying and move on to someone else. But it doesn't get rid of those unhelpful feelings and beliefs as easily. I hate that I still hang onto false beliefs like this and they don't really go away deep down

My boyfriend and I started dating a little over a month ago. We’ve now started discussing the next step in our relationship: intimacy. It feels quick, but we’ve known each other well over a year and we were really close friends before dating. I don’t feel ready for sex yet but we’ve started with baby steps. While kissing, my mind started to wander and he started kissing my chest (he asked first, I gave consent, and I was comfortable with him), but frankly I was bored. There were parts that were good and parts that could use some work. I didn’t tell him what felt good and what didn’t like I should have and when he asked my mind went blank. The other night he came over for dinner and we began to talk about it. He started crying and saying how he didn’t want to disappoint me. I felt so shut down because I felt like I was the one in a vulnerable situation and I was the one that wanted to talk but there I was, taking care of him. I ended up communicating what I wanted and I appreciated that he cared enough to ask and listen but at the same time he didn’t really listen because he was caught up in his own emotions. All day long I cannot get it off my mind, seriously. I looked down midway through the day to see I had dug my fingernails into the pad of my pointer finger to the point where there was a deep mark. I have felt extremely anxious and like an awful girlfriend. I do not want to have sex with him if the thought of not doing well kissing my chest upsets him to the point of tears. I just felt bad for not enjoying myself and not telling him that, but I got frustrated that he almost… victimized himself? I feel like I’m manipulating him someway and I just don’t know how. I also feel bad for not being attracted to what he was doing and I’m scared it will lead to losing all attraction. Please help, am I awful for feeling frustrated that he cried?