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I really feel I misunderstood my attraction to men with seeking attention and empathy from them , i have evidences 😭

I’m gay, and I’ve always viewed gay porn to get off, but ever since last year, it’s been difficult to actually do that cause it feels like I’ve grown..well, bored of it, but it’s the only porn I can and will ever view. But there’s times when I’m trying to enjoy it and then these thoughts show up in my head and it feels like I’m getting excited by it but I always stop cause I don’t wanna touch myself to something like that yk? But it hasn’t stopped in so long and I don’t know what to do. Even when I’m not doing it these thoughts sometimes give me feelings of “excitement” as if I’m really being turned on by them, can that be related to porn addiction too? I can never EVER look up cp or anything violent, but could these thoughts be showing up because I have a porn addiction? There was a time when there was a thought stuck in my head and I still felt the urge to just watch porn and touch myself but the thought was still there, even when I finished. And it was unfortunately very vivid. I cried and kept telling myself I couldn’t be this person, but the thought was there, I felt the need to do it and I still did it. Wouldn’t that prove that I am what I think I am? How can I enjoy watching gay porn for so long then out of nowhere I somehow want something else? I don’t want to do harm to anyone underage, I just want to understand how this could happen and if this is all still part of OCD or I’m just a porn fiend. Cause the saddest part of all of this is, I still want to watch and enjoy myself to GAY porn, but Idk how to do that without the thoughts showing up. If that’s even what they are anymore.

I have reached a point where I can’t see any family member without a groinal response. I know I’m not supposed to give it any investigation but it’s to the point where it’s all consuming. Any tips on ‘un’feeling?

Many times i feel like ocd is just a label that i use for anything and even real problems. The idea that we just ignore everything and dont think about it is not possible cause if you have a problem and that problem generates thoughts and feelings, you have to work on it. Cause how do you know if thats ocd or not? We say we dont try to figure it out, but if its generated because of a real problem, how we know if its something we leave there or we have to work on it. I will give you many exemples, my problem is now with my sexual needs. It got strong cause one day i just lost control and i engaged in some sexual thoughts and that made the sexual need stronger. So this is a real problem right? Its clear that i have to work on it, now i noticed that the sexual need got to a point where it gave me feelings about things that are really bad, basically what pocd is about, and you can say its ocd, but i have a real problem which is repressed sexual needs, and how do i know that it didnt got that bad that it gives me those feelings? Its easy to say its ocd cause i dont like it but i heard stories that there were some who didnt wanted to do it but still did it to relase the feeling. Another exemple, i say i have harm ocd and suicidal ocd, but what i experienced now was what i read before about suicidal people, i got angry at my family, i felt like i dont get attention, so i had thoughts aboit something bad happening to me so than i would get attention. It even jumped in my mind when i was so angry that if i would die they would feel bad now that they didnt gave me attention, and these are very similar to people who do self harm to get attention. When i shared this to my therapist she said im like these people, cause i want attention. Maybe the attention part is true, but i dont want to harm myself to get attention... Many times these suicidal, self harm thoughts are very similar to real suicidal thoughts, cause the whole situation is like its actually real cause im angry or im sad because of something, i feel a little hopeless for a second and because all these situations i cant say its just ocd, ignore it... For me its like there are signs that might show that these are actually real feelings and thoughts and then i spin over it. And about religious ocd, i spin about sin, we all have sins and we will never be free from them, so when i sin i feel shame and sometimes i dont know if its real sin or ocd, but i just cant say its ocd when i know i have a sin battle, but then accepting that i did sin just makes me tired mentally cause this is happening alot now...

I saw a TikTok video talking about “aesthetic attraction” and now I keep having to try and prove that I’m really attracted to women. I’m trying my hardest to analyze the types of attraction and make sure I’m feeling the right one, and it’s hard because I’ve already panicked about this before but ever since I saw that video I’m constantly worried that I’m somehow faking it or not really attracted to women but just don’t know it yet. Anyone else relate?

I don't want to be a pedophile. I don't want to hurt minors in any way. I only tried to help this person with their OCD and nothing more. I looked through the messages and I've been nothing but helpful to this person but I let them know what made me uncomfortable and things I wouldn't do. I knew better. I knew what to do and not to do, but I still feel wrong about this. At the same time, I don't think it would be wrong if a therapist helped an underaged person with intrusive thoughts that were sexual in nature. I don't know. I just don't want to be a bad person. I haven't had a spike in anxiety like this in a long time. It hurts. It sucks. I don't know what to do right now.

I was doing so good the last few months. I was beginning to be social again, hang out with friends, watch tv and listen to music, and suddenly it feels like I’m back in square one. I watched a triggering TikTok, I turned 29 recently, I got drunk, and feel like I’m going through a flare. I’ve been here before, but it’s so scary when you’re in the thick of it. I don’t want to be bisexual or a lesbian. There’s nothing wrong with it, I have queer friends and they’re amazing. It’s just not what I want. OCD makes me feel like I’m in denial or that I’m lying to myself. I will get through this. It’s just so hard, the doom feeling of what if I have to rely on my family and never find a career or get married because of this.

I can't tell the difference between a normal thought and a intrusive thought .....what this mean

i've always loved kids and they bring me so much joy and light and laughter into my life, i was an infant teacher at a daycare for years before going to college. i've always wanted a family , a husband, kids, a cat (already have my baby boy kitty witty), a nice dog or two in a nice house with a job i love or to stay at home with the kids blah blah blah . now that i've been struggling with HOCD i'm terrified. i'm scared that if i have children one day i'm gonna go into psychosis and act on intrusive thoughts which i would never ever ever ever do but it's a scary feeling . it has made my whole view on my future change so drastically. im scared of having kids now even tho it was my dream for so long. when i was a kid if anybody asked what i wanted to be when i grew up i would say "a mommy" . it's just kind of annoying. anyone else struggling with this ?

This post largely revolves around my current themes of SOOCD and ROCD. I began my OCD recovery journey this year in late February. Just a few weeks ago I received my conquers badge and felt on top of the world but with a forced change of therapists and becoming a little lax on my ERP’s I have had a tougher few days, but nowhere near as bad as it was (although I have stood on the edge of that hole wanting to jump down) This journey has seen me learn many things, some of which have helped me prevent other themes from riding back up. One recent one was actually after taking a test at work. My top strengths largely revolve around execution. In summary, seeing a problem, figuring out what is wrong, what needs to be done, and fixing it. Guess what has no fix though? While I have gotten better at accepting that I do have this terrible disease that causes unnecessary doubt, it’s also hard as this involves putting my best strengths to the side, but that I also need to. Other things I have learned include: - Not basing judgements off of a feeling because feelings aren’t reliable and constant - That I lack self compassion and don’t let myself be a human a lot of the times - That I crave control, but only for myself and that a lot of my fears, OCD related or not, are things I don’t have control over. Ex. My orientation, if I might die tomorrow, if the world around me is a simulation, even my fear of flying is because if we crash I can’t do anything about it. In my recovery though I still have a fair share of repetitive thoughts, in relation to SOOCD and ROCD. If you have read this far, and have any advice or see how I may be going the wrong way about something, I do greatly appreciate any feedback - Am I just using OCD as an excuse? - Do I even have OCD? - That dude over there is good looking, that means I’m gay - My mind changing a woman in a daydream or when I’m laying with my wife to a man - Wishing to go back to how I was - And more Largely when these thoughts pop up, I try to accept them as much as I can or give an answer OCD doesn’t like. Am I using OCD as an excuse? Maybe. Do I even have OCD? Probably not. Will I go back to how I was? Probably Not. I still have a lot of progress to be made, and it definitely sucks in the meantime being someone that wants to cross something off his list as soon as possible, but I do know I can make it through it, even if I had a twinge of doubt while writing that. I also wanted to include some tips I have learned for others dealing with a theme of SOOCD and ROCD that may be able to help them - If you’ve read stories or questions about how do I know if I’m gay? And have seen responses from people with vague answers like, if you get this feeling in your stomach when you see x person it means you’re y orientation, or I didn’t realize I was x orientation originally but looking back I had thoughts about y persons. These are not helpful responses for someone with OCD because you have OCD and they don’t. As you’ve probably heard everybody has intrusive thoughts, and we all process information differently and what works for someone without OCD will not work for someone with OCD. They can make those decisions and have those thoughts and go about their day, we cannot. Even if in the moment you can, like an annoying fly it will buzz by again. - If you look back and think, why didn’t I react this way when I had this thought? You just didn’t. You processed and handled a thought in a way you want to and only OCD wants you to figure out the meaning behind why then and not now - Someone dealing with SOOCD isn’t afraid of being a different orientation, they’re just afraid of…. When I was in a really bad spot, this statement terrified me because I was afraid of being gay. Through time I have learned that I’m not afraid of being gay, honestly if I was I wish I had known in grade school. It took a while to see but during your recovery I bet you too come to see that you’re not afraid of being a different orientation, just something else to what you have known, and know yourself to be - Last one is that everyone’s OCD is different and that OCD can do anything. If you feel the urge to ask, does anybody else experience… If no one responds to your question, it means absolutely nothing. Even if someone else hasn’t experienced that, it does not mean OCD can’t do that because OCD can do anything and will target everyone different. OCD just wants you to feel like you’re the exception to the rule and wants to find that one bit to latch onto to sew that doubt.

I am mostly recovered from HOCD but my issue now seems to be that I’m very obsessed with my appearance and if I look like a lesbian or not. I’m not super feminine looking and I work from home so some days I just really don’t care to do my hair or makeup and I’m fine with that and I don’t believe that makes me less feminine. But I can tell a difference between the way my straight feminine friends look when they don’t try vs how I look when I don’t try. It’s both true but also not helpful for me to compare. Idk how to not be obsessed about this.

Just watched a tiktok of someone realising they are gay after 5 years in a straight relationship. Its really triggered me, my ocd is now telling me that’s me. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and he is my best friend as well as boyfriend. Saying that tiktok made them realise they were gay and they never knew before. I hate this ocd so much anyone else get severely triggered by this.

I keep getting thoughts like ‘what happens if it isn’t OCD’. Recently I keep getting random thoughts that pop into my head that happened YEARS ago that somehow ‘prove my ocd wrong and that i am gay’, these are memories that i haven’t thought about for years and when i did i didn’t think anything of them because i didn’t think that it proved i was gay because that never crossed my mind but now my mind is making into this whole thing and it’s like proof that it’s real. I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD or anything so this constant doubt is debilitating. How do you know if it’s OCD? I do have history of repetitive behaviours as a child but not fully fledged OCD but in the last couple of years this obsession that i might be gay has been debilitating. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this. I just want to enjoy life without a constant voice in my head.

Anyone else with SOOCD struggle with seeing an attractive person of the same sex? When I notice they are attractive I started getting shaky and nervous, and I’m scared that what if that means I’m attracted to them because they are an attractive person. Any tips?

My SOOCD journey started around 2017 when my boyfriend and I broke up because I no longer wanted to be with him and remember thinking omg what if it’s because I’m a lesbian and I was dreaded with anxiety and fear. I kind of forget about it after that tbh. My partner and I got back together and I struggled to enjoy sex. I think because we had a friendship (originally ended on good terms) I found it hard to get back into a sexual relationship. Anyway cut long story short in 2020 during lockdown we weren’t having sex, I just had a really low sex drive and if I’m honest I think it was because we didn’t have a very good sex life, we didn’t explore one another etc and so I surpassed sex for a good few months and that’s when the intrusive thoughts started. I became so poorly, I lost almost two stone from stress and anxiety, I had panic attacks and if anything it brought me and my partner closer because I DID NOT WANT TO LOSE HIM AGAIN. This went on for a good 18 months, I was diagnosed by a NOCD therapist with OCD and I started to accept and do ERP. Around 2022 things started to really look up for me. It was like my life was getting back to normal. I got into my fitness, my partner and I were really enjoying sex, having it more frequently and we still are. We are in a very very very good place. I’m actually currently pregnant and we’re expecting our first bundle of joy. However the last few weeks I’ve had some thoughts again, dreams too but this time not as much with the anxiety. It’s really upsetting me because with the anxiety not being there it’s making me think am I enjoying them? Do I want to explore that? I’m very good with the uncertainty now and I always tell myself ‘Ahhh well you’ll never fully know so don’t stress yourself out’ kind of thing. I’m wondering if the surge of hormones has triggered it. I don’t know I just don’t want to go back into a spiral. I love him so much. He is my rock and my best friend. We have a great sex life but the dreams and thoughts are so frustrating.

I don't know why I'm being so much concerned about my mom's sexuality from few days. I always have this thought that she's not straight and she might be not aware about it. There's one thing which she does that makes me think she might be not straight, She appreciate the beauty of women a lot. Like once she was telling me that she saw a very beautiful girl in a bus, that girl was so beautiful that my mom couldn't look away from her and it's not just about one incident but there are plenty of incidents like this. Whenever she sees a beautiful woman in any show, TV, movie etc, she keeps staring at her and saying "my god look how beautiful she is" and she rarely talk about the men's good looks but most of the time, she just talk about women's beauty and keep staring at those women and I find it a little weird. She was asking me in the morning about the name of an actress whom she had seen in a movie. When I asked him "why you're asking about her", she said that " I was thinking about her, she looked so beautiful so I should have know her name" and I felt so weird like I also appreciate women's beauty and find women attractive but the way my mom talk about it most of the times make me think that she might be not straight. You might be wondering that why do I care about my mom's sexuality but I've to do that as I don't want her to be bi or lesbian because I can't bear this. I'll never be as comfortable with her like before. Also, I've read that "the daughter of a bi or lesbian mother can't be straight" so I can't bear this. I don't know if it's real or my brain is misinterpretating things due to Hocd but I still sometimes find her fishy and I keep ruminating about it all the time 😔

Got triggered and I tried to do an OCD homework, but I failed: when writing the "automatic thoughts" I fell to an OCD cycle and ruminated and reviewed the triggering episode. But I will try to abide to the objective of the homework itself, which is doing the challenging part. This is what an "Automatic Thought Record" is supposed to look like: trigger (what set you off?) -> automatic thoughts (what is OCD saying?) -> challenge (what is an alternative to the distorted thinking?) Automatic Thought Record: Trigger [What set you off?] I saw on instagram a reel of girl playing the violin and I noticed that her chest area was unusually big, and I got triggered by it because I couldn't tell the girl's age because the video was quite blurry but was very suspicious that she looked young, that's what triggered me. I really wanted to be reassured that she was an adult. I don't think I felt any attraction, I was immediately worried because I saw the two things at the same time: the fact that she looked young but that you couldn't tell clearly and the fact that the chest area was noticeable. Automatic thought [What is OCD saying?] You noticing the chest area means that you're attracted. Also you can't quite understand the age of the girl, so you need to find a way to know that to disproof this fear so you can feel okay again. All the things that I did wrong: 1. I compulsively looked at the girl trying to figure out her age, looking for characteristics that disproved my fears and confirmed she was like my age. Was also trying to avoid looking at the triggering area but I couldn't help noticing it. At one point I compulsively stared at it, trying to see if I was attracted. 2. I needed to verify the age, couldn't let the uncertainty be there. Found out she was fourteen in a post where she clearly looked that age and there wasn't any noticeable triggering element, looked very different from the first post I saw. Got triggered a lot more by this fact. Wondered if I could have been actually attracted when I first noticed the chest area. Or if I noticed just for itself and without any ulterior ill intentions. Tried to reassure myself and practice uncertainty. Wondered once more if I would have allowed myself to be attracted if she were an adult but with the same physic in the video. Second trigger that it's refraining from moving on, all the thoughts that I had: I had an unwanted terrible association that I feel a monster for even thinking about it. I don't want to write it, I feel like a ****, it feels unforgivable and a proof of my fears. In the video where you couldn't really tell her age, the green colored dress and the blurred face's head shape reminded me of an adult-video actress that once wore a green dress. Does this association means that I se&ualized the girl? If I think rationally about it I know that these two things are different and my emotional reaction two each of them are different and that the one that I'm really attracted by is the adult woman and not the young girl. If I think rationally I know that this association happened randomly and not with ill intentions, because I found an unwanted similarity. I don't know if it was unwanted, it become later because it triggered me, but it was a similarity that came out randomly, with no moral attachments. But what in my head makes me feel all the more creepy and gross is that the association initially started because of the noticeable chest with the green dress, that is what I think prompted me to think about the other adult woman, so it must have been an association of some kind of se&ual nature, right? Did I like watching that girl? Did I look for her age because I WANTED to be attracted? Is that why I made such an association? Because of this association happened I feel more triggered, and I'm afraid that when I'm going to see a video of that adult actress I'm going to think about that association and that I'm going to like it. I don't want it to be this association at all, but it didn't feel like an irrational one, it was a believable connection, the similitude in my head was there and I didn't want it to be similar but it really does. Maybe if I check again I can disprove this association but once it happened everything that I did felt like it was corroborating the association, like I didn't think the head shape would be similar but when I checked it felt like it kinda did. After reading a segment of the "Mindfulness Workbook for OCD" I came to the conclusion that maybe that association happened because I saw adult characteristics, and the association was limited only to that part, it didn't correlate with the fact that she looked young, those are two separate things, in fact the young part came in later to confront the unconsidered dangers of that association. What happened probably wasn't even an association, I was just reminded of that adult woman from the green dress, and then when I got worried about it the association happened, and I got all the more triggered when I noticed that the head shape was kinda similar, and then I spiraled trying to confirm and deny the evidence and a lot of things that I said in this paragraph are not real but conditioned by OCD. 4. On second watch, how could I not know she was young? You could tell she had a small face. Maybe I wanted to reassure myself so much because I noticed the chest area and I couldn't tolerate that because she looked ambiguous at first so in order for me to be okay with having noticed that chest area was for me to look for adult characteristics, and to grab on to that hope. Also it's probably because there were times that I thought a girl looked a bit young but was actually an adult, and maybe I was hoping that it would also be this case so that I could go on with the day without obsessing about the episode, de-triggering myself. Challenge: Ignoring all of this. Not engaging with it and moving forward having uncertainty. Accepting this triggering episode in all of its aspects. Maybe yes maybe not, uncertainty in this case means winning over OCD, even if you feel bad about it. Realising that I'm overthinking and blowing things out of proportions, nothing really happened, I'm just exaggerating because of OCD. After considerations and worries: 1. After reading this OCD book I'm aware that all people have postpubescent markers and that is normal to notice it, noticing doesn't mean having se&ual desire, but because of OCD it mutates into something sinister by the subsequent analysis from OCD itself. 2. It bothers me the fact that I found the young girl's age ambiguous and that I didn't realise sooner 3. I was so uncomfortable in all the scenarios of this one episode, because I needed to check instead of just being okay with it, which is what the people I'm scared of being actually do. So I know that I'm not attracted to young girls (and I don't want to be). That's a fact, because it sent me in a spiral. If it was an adult instead I woud have felt comfortable and wouldn't have obsessed about this one particular episode for like 2 hours. 4. Obviously the association that happened later triggered me heavily 5. Fear of instagram analytics misunderstanding why I looked at that video many times, and the fact that I clicked at the tagged profile and the orchestra account to find informations about the age. 6. When writing this I had images in my head of the young girl, but I didn't "mind" it, I didn't realise they were appearing in my head. Were they actual intrusive images or just memories? And it they were memories, was I not paying attention because I liked those images or because of the effects of this (half-assed) session of ERP not making me care? The truth is that I will never know because OCD is the doubt disorder, but the chances are that is nothing like what I'm scared of it being. 7. Needing to move on from all of this without the reassurance of a second party.

So lately I've been able to control OCD after a long time. If I have a harm intrusive thought or image, I just let it go. By doing this, I am able not to feel anxiety with these intrusive thoughts, and therefore improving over time. But sometimes I start to feel anxious for not feeling anxious with these thoughts. It's like: "If I don't feel anxiety with these awful harm thoughts/images, does that mean I want to do them??" It drives me crazy. Also, as I tend to have intrusive thoughts and sudden images at some point everyday, I think "what if maybe it is not OCD, but another kind of mental issue? What if I don't treat myself and I go crazy over time? What happens if I think I'm improving, but I'm not?" Anyone feeling this way as well?

**TRIGGER: SEXUAL THEMES** Does anyone have any advice or can relate? I’ve suspected that I have ocd for quite some time now, and it’s usually rocd but lately I’ve been getting thoughts that I might be bisexual or even a lesbian, I’ve never gotten these thoughts before and idk if it’s ocd or if I actually feel this way. I’ve always been straight and at one point in high school, I thought that I might be bi but I would never date a woman, it would only be in a sexual sense. (Idk if that even counts as being bisexual honestly). This still stands but I’m having a hard time accepting the sexual part, even tho I don’t think I’m bi. I think this has come up because lately I’ve been loving Chappell Roan’s music, and cuz most of her songs are about women, I think I’m getting intrusive thoughts cuz of that. Also I watched her “my kink is karma” music video and I just really loved the style and a transition in it, and she looked really good like I’m not gonna lie, but idk if it’s me having a “girl crush” as a straight woman or if I’m part gay. The thing is, I don’t think this whole thing would even be a problem if I was single, but I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a few months now, and I love him to death, and I’m obviously attracted to him (even tho my rocd says otherwise), but I can’t help but feel guilty if I’m bisexual. It’s not even a big deal and I don’t have to make it a big deal, but I get thoughts that if I did like women, I’d have to break up with my boyfriend in order to figure it out, but that’s not what I want (even tho it’s so hard to decipher what I want or not with ocd). Usually when I get these thoughts I can shrug it off and it goes away for a while, but now I’m getting this picture/video in my mind of me giving head but on a vag. I think this started up because ig I wanted my bf to do a certain thing while going down on me and I imagined myself doing it and it got like really vivid and now I get groin responses from it. It’s just really scary right now and I really don’t want it to be true.

Has anyone been with their partner for more than 5 years? What kind of love do you feel towards them? I have been with my bf fo 6 years! before getting with him I never labled myself and considered that when I'll find love I'll know... and when I started dating my bf its because 1) he was my best friend first 2)he was so sweet and considerate and 3) he was like perfect (met all my expectations) but I always felt like something was missing and I'm scared that it is an "ick" situation and that its the feeling gay people feel when they're in heterosexual relationship. I dont want to be with him just because he's perfect on paper and my parents love him and I got used to him, I want to be with him because I love him for him and choose him. I've always been a believer of true love and accepting yourself etc etc... and yet I feel like I'm the one who's not accepting myself? Like it feels like im in a movie or a serie and Im the closeted character who's not happy with her life and needs to come out to have a happily ever after??? and yet I feel good with my bf, he's my home and I really like touching him and being intimate with him... I'm just so lost... my therapist diagnosed me with SOOCD 4 years ago but im not so sure about that... and my bf said to me "if you only liked girls and didnt like guys, believe me I would've noticed at some point during the past 6 years". But again sometimes when people love watching a rom-com movie and project themself with the guy it feels like I cant do that..... and I used to love rom-coms between a guy and a girl but it feels like im seeking more LGBTQ+ stories now? My therapist said that it was a complusion to make myself feel better if it were ever true but I dont know... ugh anyone else going through this?