Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Has anyone had thc/cannibis use trigger their intrusive thoughts related to soocd? Is this possible or is denial?

I feel disgusted saying this, but I think my ocd attacks younger kids that look pretty or something (not attractive),, and it makes me feel attracted, even saying this makes me feel like a pred, and I feel really grossed out, I feel like a bad person for even suggesting such a thing and I’m spiraling. Please help…

The thoughts still exist. For the last couple months I’ve been able to say I don’t care and lean into the comfort of being uncertain. Im having a tough time with some things personally right now and guess what decides to show up… Anyways, I’ve been trying to get used to the fact that maybe I’m bisexual with a romantic preference for men (I’m married and love my husband) but when you start going through your compulsions it’s soooo easy for everything to blur out. To my knowledge I’ve never had a crush on a woman but I’ve most definitely watched same sex porn and have thought women are hot and beautiful, then come the thoughts about comp het and how I’ve never been an overly sexual person so that MUST mean something. Ugh idk, just looking for someone to chat with I guess!

So I know it’s complicated but I have real event ocd that was caused by me remembering something I did in childhood I have intrusive thoughts about really everything pocd, harm, relationship I have intrusive thoughts and images, now im getting through the intrusive thoughts I just let them pass by because I know the feeling will go away eventually but when I have the images I freak out a lot more, that’s because I always had a very detailed imagination and I definitely blame that on maladaptive daydreaming and unhealthy amount in my life which in therapy I’m now realizing that I did that as a trauma coping mechanism, I didn’t live life I just daydreamed while listening to music for literally 8hours a day it effected me paying attention in school I already have ADHD, and having a hard time paying attention to anything because I ended up doing it all the time, before OCD it didn’t seem like a problem that was my escape, I’d daydream I was a pop star or a movie star while listening to music and it all felt real but now since I have ocd I have intrusive images if while I daydream so I stoped daydreaming, and the worst part is that they arnt even just “images” it’s me daydreaming causing harm or really messed up things iv seen in the past, I have no peace, when I spoke with my therapist she said if I started to daydream harmful things crumble them up in my head and throw them away which has been working, but I’m just concerned because people don’t really have that like I do with OCD and some people are like yeah you don’t daydream about these harmful things because that is you making it up in your head or if they daydream it actually helps them but it’s the opposite for me, I don’t know if I do this on purpose to check if I like these thoughts or even more punishment or a compulsion I just don’t know and it’s effected my sex life because I will daydream about my bf and then something taboo pops in my head and instead of Envisioning sexual thoughts with my partner I’m envisioning sexual things with the taboo stuff and it makes me feel like I am all of these awful things with the POCD and harm and people are like you just have to not pay attention and just be in the moment but I don’t know how to do that, most of my life iv been in my head that’s how I even get turned on in the first place fantasizing about my partner with no worries, now if I do I’m like am I attracted to children and my brain will check to see by popping up kids in my head and I’m very detailed innapropriate ways how am I ever going to get rid of this? How can I ever live a normal life? And even WANT to be sexual again if my brain keeps checking if I’m a pedo or want to harm animals and ect I know I’m not any of those things but my brain doesn’t believe it. I seriously don’t know what to do

I just feel so lonely with my thoughts. I want someone to sit next to me for hours so we talk and I cry and I open up fully. I tried therapy but it just isn’t enough. I am extremely scared that I lose my mind any second and not be able to function normally like be hospitalized for the rest of my life. I can’t anymore. It’s too hard. I cannot open up because my thoughts and concerns are all sexual like about my sexual orientation or if I want to have threesome or what happens after and should I do it or not. I have this urge to ask my 23 yo sister about it but deep down I am afraid she would not understand me and judge me. it’s so scary to live my life. I am zoned out all the time. I am tired and scared and lonely and stuck. I cannot get anything done.

Sometimes when I feel false attraction, I’ll say things out of disbelief and fear, for example, I see a kid that looks older and I feel sort attraction so I panic and say “I’m attracted” “I think he’s attractive” “he is/looks attractive” ,, “he’s attractive” ,, “he looks handsome” along those lines… I panic when I say these and my brain uses it against me… I genuinely feel like a bad person. I feel like I’m genuinely attracted now and that I’m a bad person and that I need to accept it, I’m so scared. I don’t want to be this person but when I think about it, it’s like it’s not bad to be one and I don’t freak out and it makes me worry

I've been going hard at ERP the past three weeks to deal with SOOCD, specifically as a female that is in a long term relationship with a male. I see a lot of people struggling, I am still struggling, too, but I've really been putting trust in the ERP process the past three weeks and I can see how ERP works. When you're going through the motions of ERP, you really won't see the point until you do. It's very much a trust the process therapy. Until you really commit to saying "maybe, maybe not" each time you think you're turning the non-preferred sexual orientation, each time you try to rationalize with yourself, each time you try to reach for certainty irregardless if it's trying to accept the sexuality your SOOCD is based on or if you're desperately trying to remind yourself of the sexuality you know yourself to be, you are not going to see why ERP works. Here's what ERP looked like for me today for five hours: I watch a video that triggers me like a late bloomer lesbian explaining things she did before she realized she was actually just a lesbian. ---> I get the urge to think and analyze if it applies to me and my past and present because I obviously don't want to be lesbian, but if I am, I don't want to continue leading my boyfriend on. ---> It feels like I really OUGHT to take this insight seriously and maybe I do give in a little and start analyzing past relationships and find that it does apply to me somewhat. ---> I get anxious and start thinking I'm realizing something and turning lesbian. ---> I tell myself "maybe, maybe not". ---> I start rationalizing and analyzing again without any effort because I very much still feel like I need to figure this out RIGHT NOW. ---> As soon as I catch myself doing it, I say "maybe, maybe not," and stop the train of rationalization and analysis in its track. ---> But this feels like denial, I NEED TO ADDRESS the information right now otherwise I'll be in denial! ---> MAYBE, MAYBE NOT ---> Continue working, go sit with my family, or play with my cat all while being uncomfortable and repeating "maybe, maybe not" everytime I feel like I'm turning lesbian or I try to rationalize why I am not. You must stop reaching for certainty! I eventually calmed down and facetimed my boyfriend and it was a lovely time.

I’m so tired of feeling like a bad person, i’m so tired of my brain treating me like I’m a pr//dator, it’s making me feel like I want all these things and I don’t. But I don’t even believe myself anymore sometimes. I used to get a feeling that reassured me that I wouldn’t do something like this but now it’s gone. Now it’s all feelings that I would do something like this. I’m so uncomfortable. I just wanna go back to normal so bad. I was just watching good mythical morning, every time they talk about their kids, my brain will always say “ they shouldn’t allow you around them” or “ you would hurt their kids” or “ you would be attracted to them” something along the lines of that. It’s always a different variation of that but they all mean the same thing. And It convinces me because it makes me feel like I would do something like that, wouldn’t mind finding these things attractive when I really would. I’ve been trying to move on from what happened earlier, but I can’t… I just wanna start ruminating …I just wanna stop checking…. I just wanna stop asking for reassurance. I want to stop, but I’m so scared. Even when I’m clearly freaking out about something I don’t want to happen, it’s still punishes me and says that I actually want it. It all seems so real, the attraction feels so real, the emotions feel so real, the intrusive thoughts feel so real. Everything feels so real. I’m just scared. I don’t wanna be a bad person. I don’t wanna do bad things. Just worried that it will never go away. Like I’m stuck like this forever. I don’t want this to be the first thing I think of whenever I see someone younger than me. I wanted to have a family in the future, but I can’t stand the idea anymore. I’m too scared. Not only because I’m afraid that I’ll hurt them or what if I feel an attraction. But I’m also scared of having to deal with my POCD and them… which would be a hard struggle. I just want this to stop. I want to be all over. Why do I feel like I want this? Why do I feel like I am attractive and I don’t care? Why does my brain try to make kids look older than they need to be? What does my brain do this? Does this mean I’m turning into a bad person? I never wanted to hurt people.… I never wanted to do bad things… but I genuinely feel attracted and I don’t know what to convince myself that I don’t… I don’t wanna be attracted. But my brain keeps making me feel like I do. And It does it by altering kids faces to look older, I’m really scared. Why do I feel all these emotions about wanting to do these things? Sometimes I’ll allow myself to feel it, but then I’m like why did I allow myself to feel that? Sometimes I feel like I feel things on purpose, and it scares me. I just want to not be a bad person. I don’t want this. I don’t care how much it tells me that I do or makes me feel like I do. I do not want this. Why do I feel like I do? I feel really messed up saying that… it honestly grosses me out, but I hope that people will understand this post.

Does anyone with so ocd get scared or feel like they r just going to suddenly realise they r gay. Like all of a sudden you’ll be like omg I’m gay and then I get scared like ong it’s happening to me Can any relate to this

One of my favorite influencers Becca Moore came out as bi recently and just did a podcast about signs she liked girls that she ignored. I intended to do it as an exposure but ended up doing compulsions the whole video and comparing all of my situations to hers. Now I’m in a bubble of ruminating about one of my past friendships where we were so close and I would get jealous when she hung out with other friends. Ruminating about when my friends and I kissed each other at like 6 years old. Feeling like Im just not letting myself admit that im bi or lesbian and in denial. First tough day in about a week 😭

When I was half asleep today, trying to wake up, my brain kept asking me if I thought this picture of my friend was attractive, I kept replying with “ maybe, I don’t know, I really can’t tell” .. or… “ I feel like I do” “ maybe I do” “ I feel like I might” ,, and then I’m like wait she’s 13 in these pictures, I’m not sure if I was aware of it, but still, it doesn’t matter, I’m still saying it and I’m like “why am I saying this??” I generally don’t know how I feel anymore, I don’t wanna be a bad person, I just don’t understand why I think this is play to say, or feel?? Maybe because my brain is trying to justify it? It tries to justify everything wrong, so makes it feel like it so it makes it harder… I feel like a genuine bad person, because I don’t know how I feel about it, I really don’t know, I’m scared does it mean I’m a bad person? Because I don’t know how I feel about it. I asked myself if I’m genuinely attracted. And I don’t know anymore. Because I don’t know how I feel about it anymore, I feel like my brain is playing a part in it because it tries to tell me that it’s not wrong. Yes it is wrong though but it’s like no it’s not wrong, It makes me really scared. I generally feel like I’m attracted to her and that I have nothing against it and I don’t know what to do anymore., some people may argue that it’s not wrong, but I believe it’s wrong. So I have no idea why I fucking said that. I genuinely think it’s over. I don’t know if I actually am anymore. I asked myself do I actually feel attraction, because i used to go to a conclusion and say no I don’t. And actually feel that way. But now I don’t feel anything but like pain. Because I don’t want to be. At the same time I feel like I just lied and I do want to feel attraction. I just wanna explain how I feel but I can’t. All I know and what I can explain, is that when my brain was asking me these things I said “ I feel like I might maybe I do I can’t tell “ and why did I say that to a 13-year-old? Why? And why am I still saying it even after realizing that maybe I shouldn’t be saying it. I’m 16 for goodness sake. I don’t wanna think about these things. My brain is making me feel like I do and I do and I’m like I’m so confused.

I was in a server, and a person revealed her age to be 13, and my brain keeps being weird about it, by making me feel attraction and that I “want to be with them” when I wouldn’t ever??? But it’s so convincing and it’s a really strong feeling??? And it is genuinely scaring me, I don’t want to be a disgusting person, I do not, I instantly left knowing their age, but my brain is making me feel like I wanted to stay and that I find them attractive, I just want this to stop, I feel so convinced I’m a bad person, I’m so confused if I actually want this or not, it’s so convincing… My brain is making me feel like “oooh theyre so attractive” like please stop, it’s like torture in my head, I don’t want to feel this way, how to make this stop… I’m scared to be around 13 year olds. This is the exact same thing that happened with my ROCD when I was dating my gf (im now single) ,, it would make me feel attracted and that I wanted to date people even though I didn’t

okay so I basically texted my therapist and she's left me on read and I don't see her until thursday so I need opinions/help. i started talking to someone and I been thinking about how im best friends with someone I had a crush on like a little crush nothing major and I feel so guilty because what if he finds out and he's heart broken I don't want to be with my best friend like that but what if i do? it's really making me go crazy and I don't know what to do. if ur not understanding what im saying by now basically I feel guilty that I'm talking to someone and then still being friends with someone who I kinda had a crush on a long time ago. and this situation is bothering me even more because here and then I would have thoughts abt things abt my best friend and i hear the thoughts but I don't think I really pay attention to them they're just there but recently they've really been in my head and I've been paying attention to them and they're thoughts I don't want to have but what if I actually do want to have the thoughts. I'm gonna be honest I don't even know if it was a crush or if I just wanted to be closer friends with her cause I was jealous of her being close friends with someone else. this crush took place in like middle school to like 9th grade?? just help i don't want to be with her

It hurts I hurt a lot of people and the guilt is killing me like actually eating me alive and I can’t even get help my parents are kinda abusive and don’t want me going to therapy cause their afraid they or I will go to jail but I idk if I can go on When I started highschool at 14(currently 15 rn) I had a weird mentality that everything was sexual and that I could date anyone by just telling them I liked them and being honestly creepy. Idk what’s wrong with me I feel so weird like I don’t have crushes it’s just me wanting to have sx with people I find attractive and it’s so horrible. But before I realized how bad this was I hurt people I had 4 friends they all don’t talk to me anymore because I was so sexual with everything I made sexual jokes made everything sexual and just sexualized myself at every turn even when they told me to stop I wouldn’t listen. It’s sick. When I realized this was wrong it was too late. One of them stopped talking to me and doesn’t even want to look at me or wants me saying his name.and one of them says they don’t care but idk I think they do.and I was honestly in a horrible mental state and tried a few times and my other friend had enough of it and just stopped talking to me. I have a best friend who I met online she was so nice to me we used to date but we broke up. And we get close but I betrayed her trust when I sent her explicit butt pics to this 17yr old I wanted pics from and he said he wouldn’t mind me sending them (my best friend was 15) and I was begging this 17yr old for pictures when he declined a lot then the 17 yr old said he was manipulating me and how he was keeping me in a loop of mystery. My best friend found out about the picture thing and she was sick but forgave me cause she didn’t want me self harming IMFEEL sick because of that she put my feelings above hers when I was in the wrong and she said she doesn’t want to lose me as a friend but idk she said she forgives me cauee she knows I’m broken ig but that makes me feel worse. And I also begged this 16 yr old for pics when I was either 13/14 and I feel sick I begged for pics when he declined but my best friend says not to feel bad cause he was grooming her kinda but idk I wanan apologize to him. Lately I’ve been thinking of how I think I s@d someone from my school someone I one or my baby cousins or my little brother and it feels real like it happened and I feel like a pedo and a s*x offender and Ik no one can forgive me idk if I want to go on it feels like death is the only way to atone for what I did . When I told my 4th friend about why my other friends don’t talk to me anymore he didn’t respond I think that cemented how bad I really am how sick I am I’m no different than a child pred or sx offender. My parents don’t even like me they always remind me how I treat them bad or how I’m a bad person. I feel horrible. Maybe I should just be locked up

as soon as i see a girl looking slightly masculine or have tattoos my brain goes she’s gay and then my brain says the fact that you can tell she is gay means you are gay as other gay people can tell when someone else is also… anyone get this?

TW (SEXUAL TRAUMA AND FIGHTING AGAINST SU1CID4L THOUGHTS) My POCD hit me hard with a relapse and my brain will not shut up about if I need to delete myself. I don't want to, but my brain is telling me I should, that no pedo, offending or not should live. I don't want to do it to my friends and family. I just wish I could feel relief from all this guilt. It hurts so bad. I don't want to die, I didn't ask for this even if it wasn't OCD. I feel terrible and like if I try to be okay and not condemn myself for these thoughts that I'm throwing away my morality. I have kinks and fetishes that are related to my traumatic childhood, I don't want these fetishes and kinks, but I know I like them. OCD latched on and demanded to know if I would want to watch something worse, something illegal, if I am a pedo because of how my sexuality was twisted and broken at that age. I talked with a sexual trauma informed therapist and explained everything and she said that she didn't think I was a danger or that what I liked was wrong or dangerous. She said it was probably my brain trying to make sense of what happened and cope by giving me control back. Still my OCD is operating in black and white, pure or evil. The fact my kinks are too close to something amoral, illegal and bad that I basically am that horrible bad person. That the only thing holding me back is my OCD and without the condemnation and panic, I'd go feral and hurt someone, an animal or a child. I don't want to hurt ANYONE. God forbid like that. I hate how my sexuality has been damaged. I'm actually terrified of sex, I can't even put a tampon in without crying. I still feel so guilty finding the things I do attractive and am scared I'll find other things attractive that are actually bad. My OCD is demanding to know if I deserve to live. And I want to live, i don't want to die. But my OCD says I deserve it and that I'm evil. It won't shut up. I just want to be pure again even though that's not true and a social construct. I feel guilty and worried anyone who knew about what I like would think I deserved the worst punishment in history. I just needed to vent this out. For the record I am NOT going to delete myself. I won't. My OCD is trying to make me give it an answer as to why I deserve to live.

Tw???! I started thinking about a time where I said that I wanted to or wondered of I would date a certain character that was a villian but he looked and acted like a kid and basically is a KID but I was so confused and scared but when I said that type of thing for whatever I said people like the fans said things like “Isn't that a child?!” or “that’s a child” and something like that. And now I feel like I'm a horrible person and even then I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I actually said that or whatever I said. I deleted it and everything and I don't want to be seen that way I don't want to become like that but it still haunts me. I think I actually did want to date the character but I’m literally NOT physically attracted AT ALL to the character physically with his form or disguise if you want to know which character it’s pride from the anime fmab. I don’t know why it suddenly still scares me. Even though that’s not me. Like I know it made me sound like a creep or weirdo but I genuinely feel guilty and like I did something terrible!! But I didn’t I just basically shared a thought that I shouldn’t have shared. So I guess that’s why I also now feel like if I do or don’t have ocd. I mean I always feel disgusted and ashamed if I get intrusive thoughts like this and I do feel disgusted and ashamed it doesn’t matter if the kid is fictional or real I still feel disgusted and ashamed I want to throw up or trap myself in my attic or turn myself in just because of this now I can’t roleplay with a character like this or act I also do theatre so it’s been even hard for me too do anything because of this. I can’t even get to a psychiatrist and that’s why while I’m waiting to get into one I’m still dwelling on this😭 This scares me so fucking bad. Please help me.

So I feel like recently I've been getting over my Sexual Orientation OCD Theme. Either that or I've just been kinda tired of the thoughts for now lol. I still worry about it but I'm just kinda lazy to worry about that in the moment haha. Cause I've been loosing sleep over that. Anyways I had this tans-Ocd theme pop up like 2 months ago but it lasted like maybe a week and the SOOCD was just more prominent so that's what has been stressing me out recently. But the Transgender theme is back again and it stressed me out when I had that thought not too long ago. It's cause I was taking pictures of myself. Like Selfies because I think I look attractive and I like giving myself some self confidence you know? Plus I take pics of myself to use for drawing references. I like to draw and crafty etc. So it's the art within haha. Anyways. I was looking at my pictures and observing them etc. And I notice that I have like guy features? Idk how to explain it but sometimes I can see the small male features on my face or whatever you'd identify as male features. But then I had a thought like oh I'd look good as a guy. And it like raced my heart. And that's how it happened last time when this Theme popped up. I think I was tryna like pop a pimple and was looking at my face and I noticed some male features. And that's how it started too before. But now I'm just worried like what if I wanna be trans or something? And now when I think about wearing girly clothes it's like my brain doesn't want it?? Idk how to explain it. But growing up i was a bit of a tom boy because I only have brothers so I just felt more comfortable dressing up that way. But I always wanted to dress more feminine as a girl but I think I just felt uncomfortable doing so because I wanted to fit in I guess? Like I wanted to wear the girl stuff but I'd always resort to wearing a graphic T and whatever because I didn't have to try looking feminine cause I was insecure or just idk felt awkward I guess. But I'm so confused tho cause I always wanted to be the princess, I always wanted to be the girl in Fan stories or idk you know? Like I loved always reading Fan fiction LMFAO and I was always the girl cause I wanted the guy to date me LMFAOOOO. But anyways yeah idk. My bf has mentioned sometimes he'd think about it too but as a normal thought. But idk. I'm also into games and comics or like TMNT etc. and more boyish things as well? Cause that's what I grew up with so I'm just familiar with that but I also loved Disney princess and stuff. But now I just feel fake and don't know what I am now? Like was I forcing myself to like those girl things cause I was a girl growing up in a society where girls only like girl things and vice versa?l Or was it cause I actually enjoyed it but was a lil embarrassed cause I was the only girl growing up. UGHHHhh Plus I remember I didn't wear make up through out high school or not much now cause I always believed in natural beauty and stuff cause I remember always being told I have to wear this cause of this ans that. Or when there was times I wanted to wear a skirt or dress I always wanted to wear my converse but then get told I can't wear shoes with a dress so then I just stopped lmfao. But now I do wear skirts here and there but now I just feel awkward. Anyways I just have this Theme and it's stressing me out if I'm in some sort of denial I'm trans or something? Nothing against Trans people, I support those who are. It's just more like a identity crisis cause my brain is just going and going. I just wanted to know if anyone has gone through something similar or had the same experience? Thank you for anyone who replies!

i think i'm past the point of no return. I can't possibly justify what happened this time. I tested for attraction and I imagined a scenario and I think that I felt attraction or that I found it attractive. I can't tolerate this. I don't know what to do. I feel that this time was undeniable. I felt an immediate spike of anxiety.

Everything feels so real. I think learning about non-offending pedophiles has really screwed with me. I feel like I’m not even doing compulsions anymore like I genuinely cannot remember if I do them or not and the groinal responses are messing with me. I keep having intrusive dreams and I’m in that half asleep state and I feel nothing after that or I feel weird like a good weird, I don’t know. It’s a really weird feeling when I get those thoughts but I don’t like them, I don’t think. All I know is, I keep seeking reassurance and I feel like I don’t have OCD because the way I feel, like the way I get worked up isn’t the same as others. Whenever I try to watch a show, like 9-1-1 or daily dose of sunshine, I feel like I’m watching something I shouldn’t be. Or if I’m just on my phone, I feel like something is going to happen. I feel red flags whenever I’m on my phone, like somehow cp will appear. I know that OCD is the doubting disorder but my god, this is just crazy. I feel like I’m going crazy. Everything is just nonstop, it’s so constant and I’m genuinely scared that I’ll do something when I get out of my room. I don’t know anymore, this whole OCD thing is just making me lose my mind.