Welcome to
the NOCD Community

It’s getting really annoying not knowing if I’m straight or gay it’s really annoying me and giving me anxiety I want to punch something I can’t even talk to my girlfriend cause I don’t even want to text her

Hey guys I’m 16 this happened when I was around 15 all my life I have been heterosexual I Have loved women and cried over them obsessed etc never questioned my sexuality until my female friends said I was gay and made me take a gay test at that time I had no attraction to girls cause I was depressed and I fell into this gay mindset after my friends told me that I constantly had are you gay thoughts and images and couldn’t move was week now I’m better I still have no attraction to girls at all I am diagnosed with ocd is my fear of gay becoming true please someone respond I feel like my fear of being gay is coming true

I went out with my coworkers today. There Is One coworker Who Always asks me if im a lesbian. And It already triggerars me but I try to let It pass. Now today we went out and She started to get really close to me, hug me etc and I started to feel weird, my Heart was beating fast and I don't know why?? My brain is telling me I reacted like that cause I like her. Idk i'm panicking, why did I have so much anxiety when She got close? She's really beautiful too so the fact that she's physically beautiful makes everything worse?? Idk what to think

Does anyone else with SO-OCD struggle with imagining a future partner and checking feelings? That’s been my biggest compulsion, and now I feel like I don’t want to end up with a man someday, or that if I do I’ll feel sad or lonely. I’m also sitting here imagining being with women and I can’t tell if I like the sexual thoughts or not anymore, or if my negative reactions mean anything. My face scrunches and I feel anxious and my temperature rises. I’ve been off this app for a couple weeks but still feeling anxiety pretty steadily. I keep imagining the future and getting this feeling and voice that I’m gay and I need to come out to everyone. It’s distressing and I don’t feel like myself anymore

Atraction, arousal, crushes, I have them all, I didnt had them before the thoughs, but I do now, and it all honesty I don't recognize the false part, the crushes come from memories or thoughs and now I'm starting to believe that maybe I never had a crush on a woman cause these false crushes feel so intense that I honestly have no idea how could they be false but at the same time are so intense that if I always had them like my brain says then how didnt I notice before, same goes for the atractions. So real tired right now.

I read an article on NOCD. It was triggering. In article she mentioned having so-ocd. She mentioned so-ocd often gets misunderstood and that she had internalized homophobia. She also mentioned being ill-informed on her values. This has distressed me so much. It’s made me question what if I don’t have so-ocd. I also did an exposure. I was watching a YouTube video called signs I missed growing up that I was a lesbian. In the video she mentioned being infatuated with her friends that were girls. I felt like when I met a new friend I would obsess over them. Then she mentioned being uncomfortable in lockers rooms when they had to change and I remember feeling uncomfortable. She also mentioned having dreams with girls and liking it. Last night I had a dream that I was having sex with my best friend and that I liked it. I am married and have a 6 month old and have a fear of losing my husband.

I’m really scared to talk about this but I feel like it’s bothering me so much right now. Idk what started my groinal responses but I realized that they’ve been going on for a long time. This whole thing is weird idek if it is a groinal response or if i’m trying to trick myself, but the only thing i’m sure about is that I hate it so much and I pray everyday that it goes away. So I noticed everytime I get excited or happy I start feelings stuff down there. Like I remember when I used to take care and sleep with my baby neice while her mom was at work. I swaddled her up and layed her next to me and just seeing how small she looked, I felt like I was a mom. But, just the feeling of taking care of her like i was her mom made me feel something down there. When I noticed it I was like wtf… why do i feel that. Ik for a fact that im not attracted to kids but why did i feel that. It happens alot when I spoil my neice and nephews, like i was at the store today and I saw pajamas that I knew my neice would like and then I was like shes gonna look so adorable in this and then I get that feeling again. Idk what it is. Idk i really dont know I hate it so much. She doesn’t deserve this.

If you suffer from taboo themes, and deal with groinal responses… Do you feel they have disappeared? Do you still notice them? For myself, they have become so engrained/automatic , so while i do not get “anxious” by them anymore i still can clock them & it can feel discouraging … What are your experiences?

i don't know what to do. i had a dream where i think i felt attraction. i remember being anxious the whole time, I remember that i wanted to try to figure it out and i think i discovered that like i was actually attracted. i dont know what to do. i felt conscious enough to determine that. I was also compulsively staring to check for attraction and then it stopped feeling that way at a certain point in the dream i just aelf sabotaged myself and stared at something inappropriate and told myself i was attracted, that felt ocd like. but the girl in the dream i felt like i was actually attracted to her. i cannot tolerate that.

I was talking with my family. I got groinal and usually try to avoid it. My therapist said for erp dont avoid it. Even lean into or aomething. I felt my hips thrust or me lean forward as i was sitting and ocd makes me feel guilty. I than did mental compulsions like self talk repearing “no” and ruminating on it after. But i know i wasnt trying ti do anything inappropriate

Today has been, not ideal, but better maybe? I actually was able to spend the night at a friend’s house. We went to a haunted house place, I was dressed as Mario. I kept getting these thoughts, what if I was uncomfortable with the Mario costume? It was very distressing. Halloween has been hard for me since I started my whole OCD journey. Last year, halloween was hard because my Harm OCD was at its peak. Halloween and scary movies would really trigger my thoughts. This year my theme has been identity typically pertaining to gender. Picking my costume was very triggering because I would look at the female costumes and I would be like “Do you want to wear those?” or “You want to wear a girl costume.” it was VERY hard. I’ve also been struggling with this crippling derealization, i’ll look around me and things just.. don’t feel right. They don’t feel real. My head is constantly spinning and honestly i’m just tired. And my question is, why? Why do these things happen to us as people? We’re given a gift, a chance at life, a chance to find all the beauty in every corner of our lives and yet we are plagued with a curse that most people don’t have to endure. Everyone has their issues.. everyone has their battles and endeavors. But why is that? Why do we struggle so much? What makes it worth it? I fight to survive, I grasp on to little shimmers of hope with my life. But it all fades.. and it’s back into the abyss. It’s overwhelming how insignificant our problems can be in the grand scheme of life.. I’m only 16, people say these are the glory days, the days I will remember and cherish for the rest of my life. And yet, I’m living in constant torture. Constant pain, questioning, and suffering.. There was a point in time where I was so connected spiritually too. Where I felt like God heard me. I felt Him.. but lately I don’t feel that way. My psychiatrist and my mom think that this is me just self-sabotaging. And for all I know they may be right. All I know is I am tired of this. I am tired of every minute of my day being taken and controlled by OCD. I hate anxiety, I hate depression, I hate OCD, I hate it all. It makes me feel weak and futile. There was also a point in time where I saw the good in everything. I saw the light. When I was younger I was the friend that people could talk to when they needed a boost. Now I can hardly keep myself together. I miss the person I was. I miss that Landon. I miss that boy, who was kind, and optimistic, and tried his best in school and didn’t constantly question every aspect of living and only saw the good in everything and even people. I feel helpless, scared, and most of all alone. TOCD has been worse for me than harm. This theme has warped not only my identity but my sense of reality, my sense of hope, my sense of self. I just hope the Lord has a plan for me, that he’s working through me for something great..

I’d really appreciate any guidance or help people can provide. For context I’ve basically been struggling with OCD for a long time- probably from about the age of 13, however I was only properly diagnosed around the age of 21 (I’m now 28). I’ve seen a variety of therapists but only found a specialised OCD therapist at the age of 23. I’ve experienced a lot of themes from health OCD to religious themes to harm OCD. However the OCD type that has bothered me the most is sexual orientation OCD. Whilst the other themes have diminished with the help of exposure therapy, this seems to be the hardest to shake. Whilst I identify as a straight female I cant shake the doubt that I may be in denial and this isn’t actually my OCD. I think what’s making this spike so hard is that I had been effectively OCD free for four years. Through ERP with my therapist I had managed to fight back at my SOCD, met a wonderful man who I’ve now been in a relationship with for 5 years and been married for one year. Whilst we were in the butterflies in the tummy phase and planning our wedding, I never once thought about the possibility that I could be gay or bisexual. I was so in love with him that it didn’t matter to me. For context this is the only person I’ve had a meaningful relationship with or been intimate with. Basically we’ve settled into married life now and our relationship has changed, as it should to a commitment kind of love rather than that passion that consumes you kind of love. I think this combined with several negative events including the death of a family member, me experiencing my own physical health problems and extreme work stresses have made my OCD rear its ugly head. Despite my understanding of my condition and how it works, I keep thinking I’m in denial and secretly have been fighting against my sexuality all along. It’s particularly confusing when you have groinal responses and other things that prompt you to think you actually are gay. I’d like to emphasise that I am not in anyway homophobic. It’s more about my identity and my sexuality changing. Apologies for the long post I just feel as though it helps to give context.

It's funny but my soocd subtype seems to pop up during fall and winter, and leaves during spring and summer. Currently it has me overanalyzing my friendship with my friend who happens to be gay. It's really frustrating. What makes this even worse is this friend and I are fairly close, (I see them as a parental type figure) and it makes it really awkward especially when they use words like honey or sweetie. They're biologically female, but identify as he/they, which again doesn't help my OCD. They're like 6 years older than me. Idk I'm just freaking out a bit lol.

If I felt distress afterwards and a feeling of doom, it wasn't real attraction right? It was false right? At worst I might have aknowledged that it looked somewhat attractive but wasn't inherently attracted to it, right? And even then it is confusing because maybe by purposely imagining something "attractive" to test for attraction the image was accompanied by that kind of feeling, but it isn't genuine but fabricated. I don't know. I feel depressed because of this.

I'm having a huge panic attack right now and I can't calm myself down barley at all but I am trying. I came to the full realization I watched lesbian porn with masculine lesbians and strap ons before and I am officially convinced that makes me a lesbian. Because I found it arousing. I don't know how to calm down. I love my husband. Someone please help me. Please

Ocd makes me think everything I do is sexual. Moving my mouth is some way meaning I’m doing something impropriate. Moving my tongue too. Moving my hand too. It’s give me intrusive thought. For example: if I’m moving my hand then I get intrusive thought (impropriate) that in the thought I also move my hand and then I get the urge to move my hand again to the thought to get rid of her and check. It’s happens all the time with every part of my body. Like if I do some move and I get intrusive thought about me doing sexual with that move to a … and then I have the urge to do this move again to the thought to check and get rid of the thought. This is so much because the urge is so big and I have so many thoughts. I feel alone in this because I haven’t heard that people have this kind of thought. Because all of this urge is hard for me to move normal. Like I cant move my hand/tongue/leg/mouth… in some way because of this. My therapist told me to act normal and if im hyper focused on something and trying not to move it it’s another compulsion. And honestly this are my main thoughts . I barely get thought about 🍇 a child (sometimes i do) but this is the thoughts I get most. How can I stop it? I feel like it’s never going to disappear. Did someone struggled with this in the past? Like I’m scared that no one had this kind of thoughts before and maybe it’s can be cure like maybe it’s ocd anymore

I'm trying to do this as my first step of beating HOCD, just acknowledging that its HOCD, where the feelings, sensations, thoughts, etc, are all symptoms of HOCD and are not me, but one they feel so real and convincing, it's impossible for me to separate them from me. it keeps going and starts trying to convince me its real, like after I say""This is just the symptoms of HOCD, not me" 100 times a day prolly, no matter even if the doubts pop in and tries to convince me some more, no matter how much it gets worse and more convincing." doesn't stop and gets stronger, what should I do? How can I practice knowing that the feelings, and sensations are just hocd and not me and separate myself from that

Hi, so I’ve been knowingly performing compulsions and ruminating and checking memories and feelings nonstop for a few days, and it feels like I have all this proof that I’m a lesbian who has always been attracted to woman and repressed my feelings. I saw an old friend from HS this past weekend and we were looking through yearbooks, and I wrote in it that we had a “lesbianesk” relationship, but I don’t remember why I said that because we never did anything. I think it might have been that we pretended to flirt, and I know there were times I was jealous of how she looked because she was skinner than me, and I also thought she was pretty. I know I did it to be funny, but I can’t stop thinking that I actually had a crush on her. I’m also thinking of all the times I was jealous of girls growing up, and my brain is convincing myself that those were all crushes. I saw someone who is queer say online that they realized they had crushes on girls they thought they were jealous of and it sent me spiraling. I thought girls and women on TV were beautiful and thought I just wanted to be like them. Now it feels like this is proof. I keep imagining marrying a man and being in a romantic relationship with one, and it feels like I don’t want it anymore. Like I feel hot, my stomach churns, and I feel dread. My brain will say “don’t make me be straight!” And I don’t want to lie to myself and suppress real feelings, but accepting that I’m gay feels awful. I hate even saying that because I always imagined that’s how my life would go, and now I’m so scared I’ve been wrong and I would actually hate being with a man. Being romantic with women also feels awful but at the moment not as bad. Idk if that’s OCD or me, though. I don’t know if anyone can relate to this. I’ve been so anxious for so long that my body has turned off some of the anxious responses and now I just feel tired all the time. I used to be okay with the idea of being sexually fluid, and now I am deep in the obsession spiral. Any words of encouragement would be helpful.

I saw my psychiatrist again today after a month of taking sertraline and risperidone. I wanted to tell him about the sexual thoughts and images and how I am so convinced that I like them (he is also a sexologist) but I chickened. I feel like when he asked if I'm doing okay I lied. I am doing a little bit better (depression symptoms are decreasing) but again , I can't recover from this theme. It's like I discovered something I ignored for years. My mind sexualizes every little girl I see. It's so frustrating because it feels like I enjoy it?? And I don't want to. I feel so anxious and scared all the time. My chest is heavy. It's honestly been feeling like I'm sad the thoughts are true rather than not liking them? Like something suddenly shifted. Makes me think my therapist and my psychiatrist got the wrong diagnosis. My psychiatrist bumped up my dose of sertraline to 150mg. He said it's going to take quite a couple of weeks to reduce OCD symptoms, but I don't even think that's what I have. Today I'm stuck in bed again and I'm losing faith in the meds. This will stay with me forever.

Ocd makes me think everything I do is sexual. Moving my mouth is some way meaning I’m doing something impropriate. Moving my tongue too. Moving my hand too. It’s give me intrusive thought. For example: if I’m moving my hand then I get intrusive thought (impropriate) that in the thought I also move my hand and then I get the urge to move my hand again to the thought to get rid of her and check. It’s happens all the time with every part of my body. Like if I do some move and I get intrusive thought about me doing sexual with that move to a … and then I have the urge to do this move again to the thought to check and get rid of the thought. This is so much because the urge is so big and I have so many thoughts. I feel alone in this because I haven’t heard that people have this kind of thought. Because all of this urge is hard for me to move normal. Like I cant move my hand/tongue/leg/mouth… in some way because of this. My therapist told me to act normal and if im hyper focused on something and trying not to move it it’s another compulsion. And honestly this are my main thoughts . I barely get thought about 🍇 a child (sometimes i do) but this is the thoughts I get most. How can I stop it? I feel like it’s never going to disappear. Did someone struggled with this in the past?