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my therapist told me that there's no point in trying to stop having OCD because it's my defense mechanism and it's useful so that my mental health doesn't deteriorate.

I genuinely feel like such a horrible human being. I’m in this group server with 10-15 other people (including my partner) and I have a bit of a crush on one of them. I keep feeling like every time I stay up late talking on the server that I am cheating on my partner. I should note that I make a very conscious effort to NOT reply to the messages of this person on the server when we’re having a group discussion, I rarely ever address them directly, and I make sure to only ever talk to other people on there. I have replied to this person’s messages about 25-30% of the amount of times i’ve replied to other people’s messages in the server (I checked). I was also extremely active and staying up late in this server WELL BEFORE they joined it. I constantly feel like I am cheating because sometimes when we have deep discussions on the server, I feel a bit of excitement at reading their messages and getting to know more about them. But again, I have made it a HUGE POINT to rarely ever reply to their messages or to address them directly, to the point where I will never ever reply to or acknowledge a single “deep” message from them. I always make sure to only talk to other people and not engage directly in a conversation with them. However I feel like it’s still cheating because I get internally excited at reading their messages. This phenomenon has absolutely wrecked my psyche over the past few weeks. I have been having constant nonstop 24/7 anxiety, I am wrecked with guilt and regret, and I am just so insanely depressed. I’m going to bed late, barely getting any sleep, my eating habits are garbage, and my grades are dropping drastically because I’m just not doing my assignments. I’m having such a horrifically difficult time getting anything done. I just slog through every single day, doing the bare minimum, I don’t do my work, I don’t engage in fulfilling hobbies, I just kind of float there and get the bare minimum done while ruminating, constantly trying to figure out if i’m cheating. I am just constantly compulsively googling, “is limerence cheating,” “can you have a one sided affair,” “what is emotional cheating,” “is it cheating to talk to someone in a group chat,” I have googled the same exact things hundreds of times at this point and I don’t know what to do. I feel horrible. I am growing distant from my partner because i feel like I don’t deserve him and it’s really hard to enjoy time with him when I feel so guilty.

Hi everyone :) I'm fighting with false memory/real event ocd right now and I just need somebody to be completely honest with me. Last year i met a new colleague and she's gorgeous. I was feeling a little self conscious about my looks but it wasn't like I couldn't stand her or anything. I tend to always compare my bf to other boyfriends and when she showed me her bf I THINK (i'm not sure) my head went "oh oh what if he's better looking. What if you'd rather have a bf like him than yours? " but also statements and not only "What ifs". I remember liking talking to her because she's a very good listener but she told me that she knew her now boyfriend while she was with her ex still and they met each other again through friends and she broke up with her ex back then because he was kind of toxic. This was a huge trigger for me too. And she's like 4 years younger than me, you could tell by the way she was acting and no offense but i was just not fully vibing with her. Now my head keeps telling me that I didn't want to stay in contact with her because I thought that her bf is better looking than my bf I have to hide my bf WHICH DOESNT MAKE SENSE I LITERALLY SHOWED HER PICTURES OF MY BF. I love my boyfriend so much it make me sick to my stomach to even think about this being true. Am I an as*hole?

i want to mention first i have rocd (i think) for over a year and i obsess very severely over the faft that i live mg bf or not. i realised that i find him annoying and cringe sometimes and thats just his humor. i used to not have a problem either that. I have moments when i lought with him because of him, but sometimes, especially when i feel anxiety every thing he says and does is cringe and annoying to me. For example in the mornings he is a little “funny” and says random stuff and bacause he has vacation rn he woke up later then me, he usually wakes up later then me, and i had a thought that i dont want him to wake up bc he is hoinv to annoy me. im scared i dont like him and i dont apreciate who he is. why foni like him? i dont even know.. we make 2 yrs in april. i hate how i feel. i feel so bad.. what if he is not for me. i feel bad. these thoughts feel real, im scared i just dint want to accept the truth, i dont know if this post is a compulsion bc i want a reaponse from someone but i feel siper bad

Hi everyone :) My name is Ezzy, joining from Germany. I've always had OCD since I was a little kid (I'm 23 now). Since I'm in my first real relationship for over two years, my OCD decided to cling onto it. I struggle A LOT with false memory ocd too. The thing I wanted to talk about today is about false memory OCD too I think but I'm really not sure. But I want to accept the fact that yes, maybe it did happen the exact same way. But I feel nauseous accepting it. Last year in August I think I met a new colleague and she is GORGEOUS!! She showed me her boyfriend and my head immediately started comparing her bf to mine. The part which I am very unsure about is that I got envious of her boyfriend. Now as much as I remember I never had that problem before but my head keeps telling me that this definitely happened. Let's say it did happen, how can I cope with this? I feel disgusting even thinking about this. Please tell me how to deal with this. I don't want to confess to my boyfriend but it feels so wrong not to. Thank You in advance ❤️

I saw someone mention mental arousal, what does that mean in terms of sex? Is that thinking “oh I really wanna kiss him, I wanna hold his ____. I want to feel him on top of me”? Is it the liking the sex mentally? And then the body physically reacts? I’m worried I’ve only felt the mental and then the physical was forced/I don’t want sex once we start going even tho I did like 10 seconds prior I only feel that before sex/during dirty talk and it makes me wanna kiss him. During sex my head is kinda blank and I’m focusing on the sensations of him touching me. Which I think is normal. I don’t really fantasize during sex. Ig mental arousal would also just be general fantasies from dirty talk and seeing a photo of him shirtless right? Just the thought of it used to get me going but I wouldn’t think of any specific thing tho. Just using the picture. If I wanted a specific scenario I’d start thinking then texting him about it and him building on it and him getting aroused got me going more idk if just me thinking about it ever got me off? Sometimes the fantasies made me really horny but I wasn’t in a place I could do anything. Which I think just means I was aroused physically and mentally so clearly no issue here idk why I panicked. I’m worried I’m no longer mentally or physically aroused by him cuz I don’t feel any of that lately cuz I’m so fioefioeif I’m worried I only feel it for women. I’m bi so technically not an issue but I don’t wanna be thinking about anyone else (mainly friends) like that which is why I’m so uncomfortable but just in general the thought of having a sex with a woman is not appealing to me right now or at all cuz I am dating a wonderful man but that makes me worry I’m pushing down smthn and just denying it. Anyways. Ramble done

I don’t feel very obsessive. I’m not anxious at all. I know I enjoy sex with him and love him. But now idk if I wanna spend my life with him. Is that the clarity I wanted Like I know I love him but I’m unsure about our future when I used to be super sure? Idk if it’s just cuz I’m an anxious person. Is it ok to love someone and not know if you want a life with them? A life with him would be so peaceful and beautiful. It’d be all I wanted but is that a lie? I don’t think I’d regret marrying him or exploring my bisexuality more cuz I’ve had very little desire to date women. I think I’m just unsure cuz of the obvious culture and religion difference. Our anniversary is this week and I have nothing planned (except breakfast, and a gift that I haven’t finished). I know love won’t conquer everything and it’l require work from both of us. I’m worried I’m just going along with it cuz I have to or I’m stuck here not cuz I want it. Anyways: in summary, is it ok to love someone but still be unsure of wanting a future with them even tho it would be a really nice future I’d love? I really think it’s just anxiousness cuz i don’t wanna confuse my kids by praying differently than them, and celebrating christmas with my side of the family. I feel bad that I’m unsure. But I love him and god I wanna sleep in the same bed as him, wake up next to him, cook him dinner in dim light, cuddle on the couch while watching a movie. I’m tearing up writing this lol. It all seems so nice. He’s so nice. He’s so gentle. I don’t feel butterflies but I feel peace but I’m unsure. My head feels weird. I don’t feel obsessive or confused today but I’m still not me. Maybe I’m getting a short break.

im always mad at my boyfriend, i feel annoyed and that i dont like him. he just asked me “why are you with me if you dont like anything about me” i didn’t have a reaction. im numb. What if i just dont want to accept that i dont like him bc im used to him and i dont want that to change , not because i love him. i think about what i like about him my mind is numb, what if i put so much expectations on this relationship thats why i gave thoughs, maybe they are real and i just dont want to accept it. help me

I don’t know why but today I feel so incredibly angry right now and I was so frustrated with everything including my two dogs. I didn’t hurt them or hit them or anything but I was particularly annoyed and angry when they were trying to get presumably a bunny or a raccoon from underneath the shed, so I had to pull my small dog away when he wouldn’t budge away from the shed and i couldn’t pick him up because I was not close enough. I feel bad because I know I love my dogs but oh my god I just get so annoyed with them and on top of them everything else I have to just shut down all day and the things I don’t understand. I feel like I’m going insane. I don’t want my dogs to think I don’t love them because i was angry and annoyed at them. I know they’re just animals and they love me and I love them. I want them to know I’m sorry for even getting mad. I wish I didn’t feel so angry and yet so disconnected at the same time. I’m terrified I’m an evil person or that I don’t love my pets or something. I started to hit myself and punch myself because I do that when I get over the edge angry. I don’t know why I feel angry. It’s a mix of anger and emptiness and I don’t want either of them especially towards my dogs.

Idk my brain is like “you’re only staying with your bf so you can suppress your feelings cuz you’re too scared to be a lesbian/trans” I just want to be a bi woman leave me and my bf alone I was so happy before. Now I feel a weird anxiety in my chest and idk if it’s good anxiety. My friends and I joked about me getting married to him one day and I didn’t feel butterflies I didn’t get all teary eyed thinking about it then I got in my head “oh god am I a lesbian? Am I trans? Do I want a white dress moment?” But I think I’m not excited cuz we aren’t there yet. And I know myself. I’m gonna be anxious as all hell, ROCD or not, about this wedding going off without a hitch cuz im a perfectionist. Part of me worries that my perfectionism is me suppressing myself I’m worried I’m forcing myself to stay. I’m worried I wanna take a break. Im worried if we do take a break everything will come true cuz I can finally “express myself” but I can express myself here. But the ocd is making it feel like im not or can’t? If that makes sense? Like im worried im not fully being myself and yeah there are definitely things I don’t talk about with him (like RUPAUL’s drag race, he’s not a fan, I kinda am). It’s not out of fear of him hating me it’s just not smtjn we talk about. Idk now im worried it’s not ocd and km actually in a restrictive relationship but im not. I don’t feel a lick of anxiety around any of this tho. What does that mean.

My ocd goes in roller coasters and the past 2 months the thoughts have been getting so much worse than they ever have. This week has been so difficult and it sucks because I'm missing so many good moments because I can't get out of my head. I feel constant guilt, shame, and regret. I just wish I could shut my brain off. I really thought I healed and it's so disheartening realizing I haven't yet

Any advice? btw I’m 14 :) I feel so useless I want to give my dog The best life I can and I want to spend lots of time with him because he’s my best friend but Its so hard because of my OCD, I feel like I’m not doing enough. I want to give him long walks everyday or even a walk but my OCD makes it hard for me to do that, I cant even go outside without holding on to someone but I still have compulsions even doing that. Its so tiring and I just want to look after him better but I cant even look after myself, I don’t eat,drink,sleep enough, and my hygine is not that good I feel so gross sometimes but I don’t know what to or how to look after myself, I dont know if anyone would tell me to give him to a better family but I can’t do that I have had my dog since he was 2 months and hes nearly 7. And life would be harder without him, I want to do everything with him since my family doesn’t care as much about him and calls him stupid but I think thats just because they can be very moody because they feel stressed, I wanted to also give my dog a healthy diet but my family acted as if that was a silly thing to do, I want to give him more attention and my OCD has had too much control over me for 3-4 years now, I was supposed to write a message asking how I can be a better best friend & owner to my dog while dealing with OCD but i Just noticed that I wrote too many “I” but this isnt all about me am I selfish? I feel like theres more to say but I can’t explain anything

Practically every crush I have had has had some sort of butterflies or anxiety attached to it but it’s an exciting anxiety and now I’m trying to figure out if I actually had a crush on one of my female friends cuz I never had that usual butterfly feeling until she hugged me in a photobooth. I was just happy to hang out with her. I’ve had a genuine crush on a girl before and I felt tjose butterflies. Now I’m worried that I did and maybe still do have a crush on her without butterflies. I mean you can like someone and not have butterflies right. It’s common in ROCD to obsesses over the butterfly feeling. You don’t need them for a romantic relationship, do you need them for a crush? Idk For me a crush involves those butterflies and thinking about that person a lot and making excuses to talk to them all the time and hang out with them or call them. Stuff I used to do when I think I did have a crush on her but again: no butterflies. I was saying good morning and goodnight and rambling about whatever. Stuff I do with my current bf. I don’t think it was a genuine crush maybe me trying to prove my bisexuality cuz I’d never dated a girl at that time? Idk. I’m going insane. I’m worried I still like her and that’s why we don’t talk but we don’t talk cuz we’re both really busy people. I barely talk to any of my friends whether or not I had a crush on them. Help. I don’t think I like her but I’m worried that if I see her again or we hang out I’ll develop feelings for her and I don’t want to cuz I love my bf (I think. I’m really mentally unstable so i cannot tell) I confessed twice to her when we were in high school- at one point she had a gf, then the other she was dating her now ex. Then when she broke up with said ex I got the intrusive panicky thought of what if your bf is a placeholder and you still like her and you were just reading about comphet so maybe you’re a lesbian in denial And saying all this makes it sound like I like her and I’m avoiding talking to her cuz I like her but I’m avoiding talking to her cuz I’m worried about cheating or leaving my bf. She’s a great friend and honestly I see her more like a sister than anything I think despite us not talking very often. I’m worried I’m repressing smthn and I’m only using my bf as a coverup until she ends her current relationship cuz she was debating doing that to date women again and my brain said “why don’t you do that, you’re bi, you wanna date her” but after my confessions were rejected I thought yeah no this will never work. Moving on. Idk what I’m feeling I feel crazy. Sometimes my intrusive thoughts involve her. Sometimes not. I opened up about my ocd and she opened up with her comphet stuff and I’m worried I’m experiencing comphet and I felt this intense anxiety the entire time talking about it cuz I’m worried she thinks I’m in denial and I’m worried I’m in denial I’m worried I’m not the happiest I could be with my bf. We’re different people but not that different. Idk I’m scared I’d be happier with someone else and I’m only staying out of convenience not love and my brain is playing an image of me telling him I don’t think I’m happy with him and leaving him and idk what I’m feeling. Idk if it’s guilt cuz I don’t want the thought or guilt cuz I’m about to break someone’s heart. I’m worried I’m just here cuz I’m too scared to leave or smthn. Lately it feels like that. But I do love him. I think. Idk. This is my longest and first healthy relationship where I’ve considered someone long term in a serious way cuz his family is Muslim so i have to be sure of this if that makes sense? Idk what I’m meant to feel. If this is normal or if I’m unhappy. He’s definitely got different opinions on queer stuff compared to me but isn’t one to be hateful or anything. He knows I’m bi, he gets it, he’s cool with it. If he wasn’t. We would not have been together for a year I don’t feel much anxiety so do I just need to leave and experiment? I don’t really feel the need to do that. I don’t think? But what if I regret not doing that? Idk. I have so many questions running through my head Mainly “am I the happiest I can be in this relationship or am I complacent and don’t want him anymore and would rather datw another guy or a girl?”

Valentine’s Day is coming up and so is my bf and I’s 1 year anniversary which is insane to me. I don’t feel excited about either tho. Could be because I have exams on both days. I’m also just incredibly depressed lately. My dog passed a couple weeks ago. I miss him. I miss my family. Uni sucks. I don’t feel excited about anything. I didn’t even get him a Christmas gift. He doesn’t celebrate (Muslim) but I still wanted to get him smthn but I never did. Idk why. I wanted to. Why didn’t I? I was kinda sick upon getting back to school. And the semester ramped up fast. I feel bad. But no pit in my stomach. I also didn’t feel anything when he kissed me and thought “release meeee” more in a funny tone but idk I still thought that. Why. I didn’t get turned on making out with him. Why. When he said sweet things I didn’t feel anything. Oh god. I feel awkward when we talk about sex. Sometimes if I’m in the mental state, it’s hot. But if I’m not it’s just awkward for me Do I just not love him? I wanna go out and buy him gifts but I’m worried it’s an act and I’m just gonna break up with him anyways. I don’t think I wanna do that. I’m still looking for a therapist rn. Do I even want to be with him? Will I be happy with him. I’m so confused. I feel good when he’s with me but is it just the attention. Am I just scared of hurting him and that’s why I won’t say anything?

I’m 25 and never ever thought this before my soocd relapse. I have a bf of 5 years. Never been a high libido kinda girl. Don’t get me wrong I do get turned on by my bf but not like every day you know? - That had always been in the back of my head, is this normal and ok? But my ocd has latched onto the most scariest what if EVER. My brain is now saying How do you know you won’t prefer to sleep and kiss girls if you haven’t tried it: and it’s that unknown that is scaring the shit out of me. I DONT AND NEVER HAVE wanted to sleep / kiss a girl. But now my intrusive thoughts is all I think about!!! I don’t want I don’t want I don’t want??? So why does my brain think BUT WHAT IF??? I know ocd thrives off uncertainty which is why I think this is happening? But I don’t wanna find out or work it out because all I want is to be with my bf and marry him!! Is this just the epitome of OCD?

I had a dream also about doing stuff and liking it with the same sex and like it felt real and natural and me enjoying it in the dreams and wanting to do if and felt like my normal and when i woke up also and felt so real and normal like i was always that and that attracts me i am just hiding and then because it feels so real and i was liking it turned on by it and even wanted to do it or like it means it not ocd and also cause i wasnt anxious or anything just enjoying and wanted more of it even when i woke up nothing so idk how can this be ocd and i am taking meds so it can be and i am in denial?

Ok yall so I’ve been doing really good with my ocd but my friend just said something that started to make me panic again. A trigger I guess. So I was basically messaging her and I was sending videos of a very handsome celebrity that I’m OBSESSED with. Like he’s everything I talk about. And she said something that doesn’t make sense to me but made me freak out nonetheless. She said “your so close to liking women” as a like a friendly type of way and I of course panicked at that…I just don’t understand why she said this and I’m actually panicking about it know the celeb doesn’t really look feminine either so why she said this I’m not sure 😭 this is the celeb

I’m worried that because of all my comparisons between me liking my bf and fearing only being a lesbian instead of bi I actually want to date a woman and not a man. Like it feels convincing. I’m scared I’m gonna be unfulfilled in the future and have to live with my decision when I know I’d be happy with him. He is my best friend and a wonderful partner and I love him so why am I so scared. Maybe it’s cuz of my mom’s divorce. I’m worried we’re gonna build years of a life togteher just for me to regret my decision and leave him for a woman. I don’t wanna do that Help

I was maybe 6 or 7 and she was maybe 5 or 6. The only thing I remember is that maybe I was on a bed and I think she got on top of me (dry humping with clothes on) and I remember we were under a blanket but I don't know if that's true, I don't know if I got on top of her or she got on top of me? Or maybe I wasn't on the bed but I just saw her? or maybe nothing happened? Or maybe it was someone else on the bed? Or maybe she was just on the bed sleeping because, I have a memory of seeing her sleeping because I think she had a skirt on that day? I don't know, it's stressing me out not knowing, I'm scared and what if I really did SA? I've seen a lot of TikTok on COCSA and I'm thinking that maybe I committed this act, didn't I? I don't know Because I was on TikTok and I got three TikToks in a row talking about SA and I'm thinking to myself, what if I really SA this girl when I was a kid, and I'm a really bad person and in reality I don't have OCD. What if this is a sign that I really did it? I don't know, it scares me, I don't know how to tell if I really did it or not. I'm scared, like why can't I remember the details of this scene? Why can't I remember what happened before and after? And was I really there that day? And was it really me in that bed? But if I had really SA someone I'm sure I would have remembered and hated me all my life for putting someone through that

say something if you could, also seen him today :(