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plz help me i’ve continued thoughts of self harming and have panic attacks also i can’t get rid of it my mind can’t stop thinking

Hiding in the bathroom at work cause I needed to let it out. None of this is ok. Can POCD be mistaken for actual pedophilia? I don’t want to keep doing this I really don’t like living right now.

Anyone currently going through this? Or went through this? I have harm ocd and it’s either about my family or then about myself and I feel afraid of not having any hope any more. I get suicidal thoughts both as intrusive thoughts but also as something I would want to stop all the anxiety I feel. Any help is appreciated

I have no official diagnosis for OCD but I have recently expected I have it. My whole life I’ve had people tell me I have OCD but I thought they were joking or making fun of me and I’m not a person to self diagnose but then I realized how obsessive I am over my thoughts and started researching. I do constantly ask myself pretty much everyday why I am the way I am, I constantly think I’m hurting someone emotionally then I have to check for reassurance, I beat myself down consistently. I’m always worried I’m going to hurt myself therefore hurting the people who love me. I obsess over the way my body looks and managed to get to the point I only eat once a day. I have never admitted this but I have violent sexual thoughts but they’re directed towards me not other people, these thoughts are completely against what I believe are my morals. I do have a need for organization and functionality within that organization, if someone touches the way I’ve organized those things it gives me high anxiety and I either have to fix it right then or I end up avoiding it altogether until I can find time to fix it cause I know I’ll take hours. If I write notes and I make one mistake, I have to rewrite the whole thing.. this caused a lot of overdue homework in high school and would take up hours of my time. Ive been married for a year but started dating 7 years ago but for some reason I still have thoughts if we’re the right match or not, etc. I relive conversations in my head daily, about 4 months ago I was in a car accident cause I ran a stop sign and t-boned somebody, I was dazed out because I was reliving an argument with my mother in my head and once I realized I crashed I instantly thought I killed the other person, my husband had to reassure me multiple times that the other driver was okay. I’ve read up on rumination and that seems to be a big check mark for me… I could go on but based off the examples I provided do you guys believe I possibly have OCD and should seek treatment for it? I don’t want to offend anyone because I understand this is a very hard disorder to live with and there’s obviously different severity levels but I’ve wondered since I was child “what’s wrong with me” and I want to know if I’m finally figuring it out?

Struggling with scrupulosity around real events. It makes me want to kill myself. Some days I just feel the need to either be locked up or killed. I don’t want anyone to have to deal with me. I know there are people who love me and want me alive, but I can’t help but think it would make things better if I were dead. I thought about harming myself again after a few years of being clean. I don’t want to but I feel like I have to for the greater good. Like I’m being just by punishing myself for feeling like a bad person. I can’t stand myself. I want my life to feel like one worth living. People tell me to stop wasting my time and just be happy. They don’t know how hard that is. I wish people could see into my mind and see how much I’m struggling.

I have had OCD my entire life and my obsessions have changed one after the other. As a child I was afraid I was going to overdose on pills, stab family members, then being transgender and gay, leaving stove or iron on, and now my dominant obsession is getting the wrong degrees and going to wrong school. I’m 39 and it’s very debilitating. When the intrusive thought comes about my education I feel so bad and I feel like I’m being held hostage. It’s very intense and I wasn’t able to hold a job and I contemplated suicide many times. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because the major and university didn’t align with my values or who I really am. I would seek relief by googling the university etc. but it never helped. My OCD has taken over my entire life. Whenever I think about my education I don’t like it and it doesn’t sit well with me and I don’t even like discussing it with anyone. I feel dead inside and I feel like I’m just surviving. I carry a lot of guilt and shame and I always feel like the worst.

I had achieved "conqueror" but just like that it HIT me like a slap in the face. Anxiety. And thoughts about hurting myself so i wouldnt be a burden popped up along with ALOT of others. Images... should i say ... its crazy i dont like sharing that bc i feel like people are quick to jump and think i would actually hurt myself which makes my ocd worse. But in reality. i WOULD NEVER hurt myself. Idk if im making sense. But man its harddd to feel like im back at square one.

I hate that i have these thoughts.. my suicidal ocd.. I rarely get anxious by the thoughts. And my head says im not scared… But i KEEP seeking reassurance to know its only ocd… then i feel more safe!! I keep seeking this reassurance because im am scared and it is ocd right?

I struggle worse when we leaves for work in office. I’ve been struggling with this for so long and I’ve made no progress. I keep pushing back therapy again (I tried ERP twice) and I got a little better but not much. I’m scared, hopeless and unsure. I do not care if I am bisexual, but I just really want to be with my husband and have kids. I do think women are so beautiful and get turned on by them in porn. Although, I just can’t actually picture myself being sexual with them or in a relationship. My brain gives me this deep feeling I’m just in denial. But when I get out of my head, I realize I love him, his humor, his intellect, his values, and kissing and cuddling him. So why do I have this strong nag I’m gay if I love all those things? I just want to live peacefully😔 we are trying for kids soon and I am getting freaked out. I really want a family with him. He will be the best dad. I had a not so great dad so that’s all I want for my kids. He’s also the BEST to me too. This makes me suicidal when I think of not being with him. On the outside to everyone I look fine, but truly I am not (usually) 😔 again I even accepted I’m bisexual but even that feels so odd at times. Please help or give ideas/insigt.

Am I the only one that feels immense guilt about my past? It makes me feel so alone and so lost. It always leads to me trying to com-pulse it which results in temporary relief, but it always comes back and is always in the back of my mind. It leads to me having suicidal thoughts because I can’t take the pain anymore. It feels like I’m trapped in my mind and in my thoughts and the only way to escape is through suicide. I really hate myself. I also cut myself because it relives the mental pain. I lift weights and put my body through hell running which ik isn’t healthy but it makes me feel better for some time. The thoughts tend to go away. Something about it is comforting? Idk how to explain it. I feel so messed up and alone. Just gotta keep trying and keep pushing.

Why I wish I didn’t have ocd So it all started back in march 2023 where I was in a Minecraft server my ocd being itself nagged and nagged me about organizing the schematic files so I got angry at it and did something I would regret dearly I would spam rage type the keyboard and create a schematic group something that inst deletable so I asked the staff to delete it and they kept delaying it and banned me for it and they also said I was unfit to play on a public server because of my ocd this made me very angry so I reported the server to mojang several times and they did nothing about it now don’t get me wrong I don’t care about Minecraft or the builds my ocd only cares about the technical aspects of things I just know that if the roles we’re reversed I would not get away with it because I have bad luck I tried contacting them again but they pretty much said “it’s over with it’s done” which made me feel like I had to move on and more or less like a product And trust me I tried to keep it together and be this non ocd normal person but things didn’t work out Something needs to be done about this server Also other real event things causing me more stress like losing a wire and items in the past I can’t function I can’t sleep and I can’t eat How am I supposed to live like this I already have white hair at 17 because of the stress But those dipshits don’t see it that way they just see the worst moments not the good ones That why it’s so hard to compete with those without ocd and why I don’t want to live anymore

I've been having mood swings all day so I haven't been able to go anywhere for New Year's Eve. I'll be feeling fine then out of nowhere start crying. Then I feel exhausted with little energy and no motivation to do stuff. I've been sleeping most of the day because it feels like it's the only thing I can do. At one point my mood turned dark from frustration and began thinking about unaliving myself. Luckily those thoughts didn't last long though.I wanted to go to a friend's house tonight but it looks like I'll be staying home doing nothing.... 😔 I feel alright right now but it's hard to say when that will change... I feel crazy because one moment I'm content and motivated then the next moment I feel hopeless and numb. And anytime I try talking to anyone I start crying.

When I enter a department store or a clothing shop and it's music playing my OCD very often is kicked off starting to follow the music, my compulsions starts repeating the suicidal content over and over again- I so much with to kill my self, again ana again- and in addition I am often in the store because I am uncomfortable with what I am wearing so in the end as I escape to the changing room I feel totally worn out, and sit down sweating and the suicidal rhythm can then follow me for the next hours, even days. It feels like I am so strange with this, but its been like this so many years- the more upbeat the music the more intense is the unwanted thoughts , I am absolutely not suicidal- so to listen every day to thoughts that says" I so much want to kill my self, go kill yourself, so much want to be shot" and so on and so on, it's terribly exhausting . Thank you a million times for this app.

Hello everyone, It’s the first time I’m writing a post about my health condition. I’m suffering from OCD. I diagnosed about 17 years ago. It was extreme in the beginning as I didn’t know anything about it. So I went to many therapists, tried a lot of medications and it had it’s ups and downs. I am now 37 years old and the last years I take fluvoxamine and I believed I was in a good condition until 10 days ago. My main OCD intrusive thoughts were about harming myself or others and most importantly sexual thoughts. Some years ago - I really don’t remember how that started - a thought stuck into my mind that I might like men with circle beards. I know that I don’t like men and I have a girlfriend for almost 10 years now. Sometimes I also have this thought when I see someone: He is handsome, could I like him? And that causes lots of anxiety. Additionally I have an extreme anxiety about some specific numbers. So in some days from now I was about to start a new job but unfortunately the interview was on one of these dates causing me EXTREME anxiety. I tried to do every compulsion possible but it just wouldn’t work. I was worse every day, I wanted to sleep only as this was the only time that my mind wasn’t thinking. A total torture. I reached a point that I thought: I wish I die so this ends. I can’t take it anymore. To make this even worse, the father of my girlfriend had sometimes a beard like the one on my thought. So the last the worst thought was that I should avoid my girlfriend because she’s his daughter and I can’t have a relationship with her. I would be gay or something. How is it possible to think like this? I love my girlfriend so much, she’s my other half. Last days I tried to do ERP on my own, exposing myself to these fears. The first hour I felt I was free and then suddenly everything went a lot worse. So I don’t really know what to do, continue ERP or do compulsions so I would feel better? Obviously I can’t start work in a few days in this horrible condition as today I couldn’t get up from bed and I was only thinking: I want to die. I’ll be sad losing this good opportunity for work but losing my girlfriend from OCD as well will be unimaginable for me. I’m feeling hopeless right now. I’m sorry for my long post and I would like to thank everyone who reads it. I’m wishing all the best to everyone.

I can’t stop returning to actualized.org (Spiritual forum) I’ve been trying so hard to convince myself that this place is a cult for years, but my brain won’t stop latching onto the ideology that is constantly spread there about solipsism being the absolute truth. I’ve gotten stuck to death on so many things related to spirituality/new age/non duality shit for years, but this shit VASTLY takes the cake no contest. Panic, fear, confusion, dp/dr, never being able to trust my senses, never being able to function, always ruminating, fear of other people being illusory, fear of reality in general being an utter lie/delusion/fiction/hallucination/dream as so many of these fucking websites/accounts/channels constantly proselytize and assert as being the absolute fucking ultimate truth. There being no self, no other, no biology, time, space matter. Consciousness simply pretending/imagining that reality even exists. Oneness, individuality being a literal delusion. None of this is actually happening, other people being figments of consciousness. Pure fucking agony. I feel endlessly isolated damn near 24/7/365 because of all this shit. I abhor every fucking spiritual teacher. I hate the internet. I hate my brain. I hate everything. Fuck Leo Gura. Fuck teal swan. Fuck Rupert spira. Fuck mooji. Fuck Adyashanti. Fuck YouTube. Fuck google. Fuck Reddit. Fuck open individualism. Fuck all philosophy. It is so fucking hard for me to not feel like suicide is the only way out of this shit. I am shaking. It doesn’t matter how much effort I put into staying way from such shit online or in books, it doesn’t matter. Fuck the miserable pointless delusion called life.

I feel so lousy right now. A few of my family members aren’t speaking to me and my dad said it was because I didn’t go to any family functions the last few weeks. For one, I’m 39. I’m not 15. But also, I haven’t gone because I’ve been in such a mental health HOLE that I can’t be around groups of people right now. In any capacity. My family doesn’t believe in mental health issues at all, so explaining anything to them would be impossible. I’ve tried. They just think you’re weird and that they’ll catch it from you or something. I’ve reached out to my cousin and aunt twice now separately and apologized for not being able to see them while I’m in town. And neither one of them will respond to me. Makes me feel SO awful and that I should just unalive myself. People are so terrible and I hate feeling like I have no one in the world. 😭 I see people with incredible, supportive family and just can’t understand why I didn’t have that. Sometimes I really hate life. They treat me like a disease 😭

I can't tell if it's my intuition or ocd at this point. I'm praying to God not to let these voices/fears manifest into reality. I'm so scared, I feel miserable

Does anyone who has pocd struggle or has struggled with suicidal thoughts everyday just feels like a constant endless suffocating loop that will never end I can’t be around my baby I can’t get rid of groinal responses I can’t get rid of these thoughts I can’t abandon my child but it feels like that’s the only solution I don’t want to die but it feels like nothing is getting better.

Today I met a good friend. I woke up with compulsive thoughts (suicidal, and I am NOT suicidal, so it's completely horrible; it takes over in every thought I am trying to think about my tasks- I am deeply sad and disturb about it, but ok- so used to it, so extremely used to it)- it's been happening every day for three decades as I at the same time been running a " normal life" so my friends find me entertaining, interesting, and they are all full of confidence in my plans, they take my sanity for granted - as I have trained myself to do- but after my cresendo in 2022 and finally breakdown January 2023 I been quite open about the diagnose I got from my doctor-I have OCD. Today I said honestly that my compulsive thoughts are more active again, and my friend, which I love and think she is wonderful- and then she suggest if I maybe have ADHD- and I answer that no, I have OCD, I have the correct diagnosis, and I an not doubting this. One of the good things in my life is that I am 100 prosent sure I have the right diagnosis- but- how to tell the truth?? My compulsions are internal ,and today I am struggling in every shift of the day, getting dresses triggers my compulsions, going to swim triggers, even if exercise helps after some minutes I have some good minutes in the water, then coming back home, starting to work on my projects that I am doing alone as I work alone, then getting dressed to meet my friend- all actions, getting dressed, getting a taxi,waiting at the restaurant, thinking about my future plans, every single thought triggers the compulsions ad if they where an Ecco, and then she arrives and I am enjoying it, but simultaneously my compulsions are Constantly in the background and they continue after we say goodbye. I go from the restaurant to my yoga studio- it's a 15 minute walk- each step I take comes with the suicidal thought: go shoot yourself, go hang yourself- arriving at the yoga- and it's so intense that I must stay flat on the floor the entire class and try to calm down my mind as I am feeling more and more afraid I will never get well, my life is over, it's getting worse and I am convinced my friend thinks I am making up my OCD. Now I came home and my significant other which I still hide 90 prosent from ask what's wrong and I start to cry, I can not tell, I feel certain he will think I am so nuts that it's not possible to live with me and as I write this I know how far fetched I am, and the fact that I write this and post it is my best moment today- because I am determined after I got my diagnosis: I want ro be completely OPEN- I refuse to drown in my shame and worry, I understand I can't help this, and I will do whatever it takes to become better abs better and rise awareness so it's possible for me to maintain my friendships, my relationship, my life. Thank you all for reading and sorry for my misspelling- I am just so greatful I came back to this app, to have somewhere to put this terrible life experiences is crucial now. Don't give up my friends with OCD! Keep going , we are getting there!

Today I woke up with the intrusive thought „did I harm my dog sexually during the night?“. My brain is specifically relating to the time of 3:57 when I woke up once. From what I remember I only woke up and thought abt going to the toilet but being too lazy and scared of the night so I went back to sleep. But I keep being worried I might have actually been up before that time and done sth. Like I seriously have no Memoires of doing so. Only things that I know were produced by my imagination bc they’re not really possible. I’ve already asked my mother if she had heard me go downstairs at night (we have like some kind of door that keeps you from falling down the stairs which is quite loud to open) but she said she doesn’t know and she hadn’t heard anything and said she’s 100% sure nothing had happened due to how my dog doesn’t seem to care at all and seems to not be scared of me. I’ve also thought abt asking my father and sister but they can’t actually hear anything. Maybe at like 3 am they were up tho for a snack? I know my father often goes to the kitchen at night to eat sth and my sister too. I guess I’ll ask both of them tomorrow. And the thing is that we actually have a camera in our garden which captures a bit of the door where my dog always sleeps and we have a light there so I could’ve been able to check up for my dog in the cameras. Turned out that my parents had turned the camera off at some point. Seems like they only wanted to capture stupid animals hopping onto our car and watching our own family go into the house. Wonderful. I don’t know what to do. The only thing I could now do is either trust my memories and let it go or check for the logic. Last time I was scared I might’ve hurt my dog, I realised that it wasn’t possible for that to have happened and that all of my memories were false. But to be honest, I’m so tired I don’t want to fill 5 days of my life with checking the logic of my obsession. I’ve had multiple su!cide thoughts by now. I’ve spent almost half my day crying. This is my lowest point. I can’t accept the uncertainty. I’m so far in this rn I actually today decided to lock my room from now on and hide my key, take a picture of it to remember it’s exact position and then close the door of the wardrobe I’m hiding it in and putting tape around the openings of the doors from the wardrobe. I seriously don’t want to keep living if this is the life my brain chose to give me.