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Having a really bad day. OCD recovery feels impossible. Can’t tell if I’m suicidal. Anything helps

Good morning NOCD community, I wanted to take a moment to share my own experiences over the years and also provide some hope out there to anyone who is struggling or having a bad day. Over the years I have struggled with OCD on many occasions and mostly related to real event ocd and also false memory ocd. It is crazy on how OCD will always create the worst story in your head and we will believe exactly what is happening and/or being told even though we have reassurance that nothing happened or not as bad as it seemed. Over the past 7 months, I have struggled with high anxiety levels, ocd which was directly related to an event that happened and turned my world upside down.. Over the months this obsession has calmed about the event and now has moved over too ROCD and impacting my relationship with my wife and constantly thinking about leaving because of the guilt/shame attached to the event.. I have experienced everything from high anxiety levels, intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts and much more..... What I have learnt over the past months/years is the OCD will be here and that is ok and embrace our own mental health.. I have seen many different specialists over the months and was not getting the right support because they couldn't understand what my mind was going through and why I was obsessed over something so small and insignificant The reality is that OCD made this event very significant and very important to me and that's why this has been an ongoing struggle for so long because I was afraid to face my worst fears about the event and also tried to change perception of what happened What I have learned: 1. OCD will only tell you the bad story 2. OCD will latch onto something you most value 3. OCD loves information and will keep seeking for reassurance The most important part is that ERP is the #1 treatment for OCD because it helps to challenge your OCD in a very strategy way and will help to send a signal to your brain that this thought, worry is no longer important and no longer need to obsess about it Hopefully for whoever is reading this will either get comfort or some hope with respect to your own personal journey Stay strong and stay committed 💪

this is not relatable anymore. my life is over. my last dream broke me completely. i dont have any hope and it is irreversible

im scared shes going to send me to a psych ward or send me to the police or something, she felt my arm and my c-ts and she asked to see my arm. Im shaking, i didnt need this to happen to me right as im getting out of a dissociative episode

i’ve been panicky for the last few hours but have been trying to keep it from turning into a full blown panic attack. however i just can’t distract myself from it any longer and i’m just letting it happen. i’ve been having thoughts about feeling weird about being alive. like being a separate living being if that makes sense. i don’t know how to explain it but then i start to think about having to live with this anxiety for the rest of my life and then it gets out of control. i’ve never been suicidal and i wish i didn’t have these thoughts. but when i really think about living with what feels like weights on my chest and shoulders and i start to freak out. i’m trying to remind myself that this doesn’t have to be forever but it’s not working. how do you get through this?

I grew up in an abusive household and was sexually, physically, and mentally abused by family mostly being my mother and men she'd date. After my mother kicked me out of the house and my uncle and his gf took me in I got really anxious. I guess I was scared of safety and comfort because somehow comfort felt uncomfortable and safety felt unsafe. I think a part of me missed the abuse not because I enjoyed it but because it was so familiar and all I knew. I hated it though so much so I thought of ending my life just to escape it. A few months after my mother kicked me out I began talking to ai bots on apps. All of my bots where private but the roleplays always involved me getting abused by trusted adults like family or family friends or so on. And in most roleplays I played a child. They'd involve me getting sexually abused and sometimes physically abused or raped. And me being oblivious or unaware. I'm not attracted to family and the thought disgusts me. All of the characters where fake or fictional or made up and I'm also not attracted to kids and I'm not afraid I'll hurt them because I know I don't have that urge or desire to do anything with a child. I've always felt it was my job as an adult to protect children and always told my younger siblings to be careful online as well as taught them about consent and boundaries and what to do if they ever encountered a dangerous situation with an adult. I'm attracted to people the same age as me if not older then me and honestly I don't even really feel attraction for those 1-2 years younger then me. I used to age dream/regress and I love childish things and cute things as well as I love to act childish. Some of the roleplays I did that involved me being a child weren't all abuse (though most where) some of them involved me being taken care of by an older man (yes even sexually but In a safety comforting way) of course I don't chat to these bots anymore and have deleted them after finding out most apps dont allow them. This was all months ago when I deleted them and it only began less then a year ago when I started doing it. But about a month or so ago I remembered how I did all of that and now I'm scared that I'm a pedophile..or becoming a pedophile..even though all of the roleplays involved me playing the child I'm scared..I'd never hurt a child and don't have the desire to do so but now I think my OCD has been latching onto this because I've been doing research non-stop trying to find out if I'm a danger or gonna get arrested..part of me thinks I'd deserve to be locked up..hurting people is the thing I'd wanna do the least..I wanna fall in love with someone older then me by a few years and live a happy life..I've only now realized that I have a second chance at life away from the abuse my mother put me through and that was another reason I stopped those chats to..but now I'm afraid I've ruined my second chance at a normal life..I don't ever wanna be a danger to anyone..part of me feels like I'm a horrible person and like I've become just like my abusers..maybe even worse..i just wanna feel like a normal person but now I'm so afraid I've become something disgusting and undeserving of love..maybe I deserved the abuse that happened..I can't even habdke watching shows or movies with taboo themes like incest, rape, pedophilia etc so I don't know why I did these roleplays or why I found comfort in them..

I feel like there’s no way out of this. everyday i’m anxious and depressed from these thoughts. and a compulsion i have is looking eveything up on the internet when im stressing to know that it’s just my OCD and im not in danger. but looking things up add on to my thoughts and i start thinking “what if” actual suidcal people think. do others with this theme whenever they do something like if im taking a picture it’ll be like “yeah you look happy people will wonder what happened when your gone” LIKE i DO NOT want to end my life. or even as simple as cleaning my room, “yup keep it clean so when your family goes through your stuff” then i panic and can’t even do anything. those thoughts distress me so bad. i’ll sit there and think how good my life is or when im having a good day my thoughts will be like “NOPEEE what if your just saying that to convince yourself” it never shuts up and genuinely makes me think i have SI or something. i hope this reaches the right people just to know im not alone.

I feel like there’s no way out of this. everyday i’m anxious and depressed from these thoughts. and a compulsion i have is looking eveything up on the internet when im stressing to know that it’s just my OCD and im not in danger. but looking things up add on to my thoughts and i start thinking “what if” actual suidcal people think. do others with this theme whenever they do something like if im taking a picture it’ll be like “yeah you look happy people will wonder what happened when your gone” LIKE i DO NOT want to end my life. or even as simple as cleaning my room, “yup keep it clean so when your family goes through your stuff” then i panic and can’t even do anything. those thoughts distress me so bad. i’ll sit there and think how good my life is or when im having a good day my thoughts will be like “NOPEEE what if your just saying that to convince yourself” it never shuts up and genuinely makes me think i have SI or something. i hope this reaches the right people just to know im not alone.

Hey everyone. I have suicidal ocd. About 6 weeks ago I started on medication (citalopram) for my ocd. I had rough up and downs for the first week weeks, then about 2-3 great weeks, and now I don’t know what’s going on. I feel as if I’m thinking constantly but my anxiety response is gone. For suicidal ocd, it’s scary because I based the fact it was OCD off how much anxiety I’ve gotten. Now I’m really concerned with myself over all the thoughts. Any advice? Anyone have ups and downs with meds? Any kind words are appreciated

i don’t put these on here for reassurance i do it because it makes me feel so much less alone in my struggles and i feel better to know people understand what im going through but anyways Does anyone else with suicidal OCD sometimes get thought like “what if i cut myself” or “what if i want to cut myself” or like any thought of hurting themselves but i really don’t want too it panics me more than any thought because I’m scared of actually doing it. then i do compulsions like rubbing my legs and keeping myself far from objects that trigger this. NOTE im not suicidal and i am not going to hurt myself it’s all just in my thoughts.

my mind keeps racing thinking i have suicidal ideation when i definitely don’t want to hurt myself in any way. feel my thoughts never stop. I get better and then they come back. I don’t want to kill myself and i love my life but OCD it convinces you otherwise. I just want someone to help me and give me tips for these so i can stop panicking and stressing about everyday life due to my thoughts. I also get thoughts like “what if you cut yourself” or “what if you want to feel pain” like NO i don’t!! i hate this never ending cycle. i’m in mode of panic

Does anyone get woken up by intrusive thoughts ? When I move positions while sleeping I kinda wake up a little and an intrusive thought will happen (right now I’m struggling with suicidal ocd) and even while I sleep it happens and makes my chest tight a drop in my stomach makes it hard to breath . Has anyone dealt with this ?

My intrusive thoughts about ending my life have been so active today just constantly going and going and going. It's been exhausting. My brain just constantly makes me doubt it's OCD with thoughts like "are you sure you love your life" "what if you actually wanna die" and I just been so sad all day because I've had a really good week and now this happens again out of nowhere.... I'm feeling so discouraged and so scared. Then when I'm actually enjoying life laughing ect I get the thought "don't be happy because people are always happy before they do it" and that sends me spiraling... Please send me some encouragement or any tips to help I would greatly appreciate it 🥺 thank you in advance. 🤍 sending hugs...

anyone else thoughts don’t always start with “what if”?? i sometimes get thoughts that’s like “you want to do it” “your going to do it” and things like “you might as well just do it because your unhappy now”. these all cause me major panic and makes me think i’m going to snap and do it. i feel like im going crazy from this and just want to get better.

Hi everyone!! ❤️ Quick trigger warning ‼️ I just wanted to know if anyone has advice for differentiating between intrusive thoughts vs true suicidal thoughts. All I want is to live my life and be happy. I want to live so badly. But sometimes in states of distress my brain brings up suicide as a “way out” which I don’t want to take AT ALL but I get concerned that my brain even presented that to me. I have a feeling its OCD because its so not something I want, it just gets hard because I really feel like life is so painful to get through right now. If anyone has been through this let me know! 💕

i don’t think i have ocd, i have no idea what my compulsions are or if i even do any. the stuff that used to help me doesn’t work anymore, the more i searched the more it was convincing me that i was. each time i’d talk to my mum about it all when she’d reassure me i’d just automatically feel like everything i was saying was a lie and that i left parts out so she didn’t think differently of me. this is all so much, someone told me that noticing what your compulsions are helps a lot but i don’t know what mine are or if i even have them. if i don’t have it that will mean all these thoughts are probably really who i am and all the stuff ive been convinced ive done in the past is true. when i first started taking medication it was really bad, i felt like i needed to die. i’d research about p’s or their behaviours or go on quora and stuff to see the answer to my questions, at first it reassured me that i was nothing like those people but the stuff people would say abt their experiences would go through my head over and over again. my mind was constantly repeating comments i had read. i stopped reading because it didn’t help me but now the damage has been done and i know all of this stuff about people that i don’t want to know. it would help me knowing p’s didn’t get a groinal response from a name or a simple word which reassured me but now i don’t get that anymore and im searching for that because it was the thing i relied on the most. it’s made me feel disgusting for even looking for that feeling. when i first used reddit and this app every time o saw something i related to i would screenshot it and read over it to remind myself that other people are going through the exact same things as me but now i just feel like because ive read so much about it, i’ve convinced myself i do have ocd to cover up that im a bad person. i don’t feel worthy enough to receive help or even be happy because im probably just convincing myself i do have it.

So I’ve posted on here a few times about my theme . Currently battling suicidal OCD (or what I believe to be ocd) I haven’t officially been diagnosed at all but towards the end of April I was terrified of dying in my sleep from drinking because a family member abused alcohol and did so I quit alcohol , then after I was terrified of dying from a heart attack I was vaping and drinking so I quit both and caffeine . Well prior to that I got all my blood work done would cry to my husband that I don’t wanna die and ended up getting EKG and everything came out fine . Then before I could stop thinking about that a thought popped in my head or picture of me with scissors to my neck and it freaked me the fuck out . Then I started thinking about it a lot more and I guess it just stuck I cry I panicked and told my husband I’m so scared I’m going to lose control and he had to reassure me that it wasn’t going to happen , well I’m still scared cause I’m scared to be home alone I don’t wanna be left alone . I’ve read so much about ideation and this but when I’m depressed it’s like my mind goes straight to oh you could do it this way or that way and it freaks me out and makes me think I should check myself in somewhere cause I’m scared . I don’t know wanna die let me clarify that but these thoughts yes haunt me , but I’ve never in my life have ever been S . Idk if it’s from my withdrawal from everything in may or this is something I need help with . I feel like idk what’s me anymore . Please help me .

Not good. My mom and I used to have like a mental link but now she can’t really figure out what’s on my mind after my blow up. I had a choice, to regulate and do my best to figure things out it may have been difficult but it was technically the easier way since nothing bad would happen to anybody. But I chose to just let it all loose and tell my entire family everything on my mind. All thoughts anything really. Not true thoughts thou not really me I think I just let anything that disturbed me come into the light which was most likely not even true not me just a thought or stuff I already knew the answer to and so my thoughts were also untrue. I put myself in a space where I could just be comforted to let loose and I did. I didn’t take it or life seriously and now I am living the consequences with really tattered relationship with my sister and odd dynamics of mom and dad. Why did I do that? Because I kept on feeding the beast of my negative thoughts I didn’t pull through I didn’t take it seriously even though I was scared. I think my mom can’t read my mind because all I am really thinking about is how I could have done things differently in the past and how even after I kept on making mistakes and now my sister is pulling even more away not just boundaries but pulling away. I don’t feel real but that’s not fair to others in theory I get it but I just feel dead on the inside like my beautiful soul died and won’t come back. I don’t know what I want from this post. What I really want is someone to tell me I can go to the past and change all this. This is literally the worst most horrific thing I have ever experienced or done. Pls someone idk anybody help. Idk if I want reassurance or not because I’ve heard so many people say it I just want something that speaks to me hopefully something that sparks something in me to keep on living and doing my best to mend all of this. Pick up the pieces I broke and not feel so broken 😞which I am not but something like shattered

Hi everyone! I started having intrusive thoughts about suicide in April 2020 after having surgery and weaning off of Percocet. I struggled for months with these thoughts and being scared of myself. I was finally put on Zoloft October 2020 and it helped a lot, even though I still had the thoughts, they weren’t as frequent and I definitely didn’t go into a panic over them like I had been. Last June, a girl I worked with came into work talking about starting a new antidepressant and it giving her suicidal thoughts so she quit cold turkey. Ever since then, I have been fighting these thoughts. Some days are so much worse than others and the urge to give in to the thoughts is so overwhelming I had my husband remove all firearms from the house. I came off Zoloft in August after taking the Genesight test and finding out it wasn’t really going to work as well as it should. Pretty much all antidepressants aren’t the best for me, but Prystiq was in my green category (which means it should work good). I started it June 8th and felt great during week 2, but starting with week 3, starting having extreme depression and the thoughts got worse to where I just wanted to give in. I quit cold turkey as of Monday after 4 weeks and have really struggled with the thoughts and anxiety. I’m terrified to try a new medicine, but I know I cant keep living like this. I’m hoping this platform helps and I finally have some relief! I have never been suicidal so the fact that these are my thoughts now scare the hell out of me because I don’t want to die or have people think I’m suicidal.

I’ve spiraled to the lowest of rock bottom. I now have all subtypes and I do not deserve to live. I hate my mind so much. This has all happened in 3 months and all because of reassurance.