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I was doing slightly better for twenty minutes, and then I had a bad thought. I felt like I liked it for a few seconds before my stomach twisted and my heart dropped. This is too hard.

Hello ;-; idk I feel crazy but now I’m anxious again. My bf came back with me last night after we had a club meeting and he went to love my bag that I had left on my bed and everything spilled out cuz it wasn’t fully zipped cuz I was in a rush and I got a little annoyed and now it’s sparking the question of Do I like sharing a space with him as my partner? It’s triggering both the soocd and ROCD. I’m nauseous. I’m worried I don’t love him as my partner and am just holding onto the relationship cuz we’re about to reach a milestone (1 year of dating) and not cuz I care. I feel like I’m lying. Or don’t love him enough to consider myself bi. Idk I wrote a long post on Reddit that I might repost here for insights cuz nothing is hitting there. I’m just numb. Idk why. It’s not him I don’t think. I laugh with him just fine but I also laugh with my friends. Does that mean he’s just a friend? I know partners are best friends but also more but my brain kept saying “see in this moment when you’re talking to your friend and laughing while your bf is here? You’re not cuddling him, you’re not lovey dovey, you’re laughing with him and leaning on him but no butterflies” to be fair. The reason I haven’t been feeling. Anything? Is cuz I’ve been so stressed and when my bf came over the other night it’s cuz my dog had died and he and my friend were tying to distract me so I didn’t cry myself to sleep. I don’t feel deep love for him when we cuddle or hang out lately. But when I look at him I do. Then I get nauseous. Then I get internally sad and worried I’m just faking my bisexuality. I keep seeing people leave relationships to figure themselves out then they figure out they’re gay. What if that’s me. What if I’ve deluded myself into loving this man when I never have? Like I’m questioning the crush I had on him, the love I felt for him when we first started dating. Was that excitement and joy fake? Did I even love him? Do I just like physical touch? Was my love deep enough? Is it even deep rn? When I feel love it’s usually in my chest and low stomach and my groin, not in a honry way, I don’t wanna jump his bones in that moment. I’m just admiring him. But what if tjays just anxiety? What if my past horniness is all comphet and I never wanted sex with him? I thought I enjoyed it but I haven’t lately cuz I’ve been so disconnected and when we do have it it’s a silent short session sometimes and I don’t get butterflies but I’m satisfied and happy. Not as happy and good feeling as when we first got together but that’s normal right? I’m just so worried I don’t like him, I don’t give a shit about other men tbh it’s him I care about. As long as I love him it’s fine. I’m so confused and annoyed with my brain I just want to throw up a little. What if my excitement about getting engaged one day is fake? And it’s just me wanting the attention of being a bride not cuz I love him and wanna be with him? I can’t even imagine living with him lately. When before sharing a space seemed exciting. Is it normal to feel like this? It’s not that I would hate living with him or find it meh, it’s just stressed cuz he’s a different person and I’ve never shared a space with a person besides my younger brother. Do I just not like him or men and that’s why I’m slightly annoyed about sharing a space with him? I live in a dorm so. Small space right now. Does it just seem meh or am I actually happy about it? Cuz some people I’ve talked to said sharing a space with their male partner is meh and then sharing it with a woman is WOOO. So I’m worried it’s that. I do enjoy sharing a space with him. It’s fun. Not meh. I’ve just been so in my head I can’t do this. I’ve never lasted this long in a relationship so I’m anxious. And worried. And my brain keeps saying “you’re staying cuz you’re too ashamed to leave cuz you’re GAY 🫵🫵you don’t love him you just don’t wanna be ridiculed or hurt him”

Hi, I’m at my wits end almost! I’m a 27 y/o girl and having some major health anxiety recently due to some problems. I’ve had weird periods all my life, and about a year or two ago it culminated in me having some major anemia. I was constantly out of breath, and extremely thirsty, wanting ice like crazy. Eventually my vision got blurry so we went to the hospital. I was severely iron-deficient anemic and got a transfusion of two blood bags. They put me on a birth control that didn’t stop the bleeding entirely and made me feel like I was going nuts, so I took myself off of it. Fast forward, recently, as in this past November, I was on another period. I’m making some lifestyle changes right now due to an unsure fatty liver diagnosis (too scared to get into the MRI machine, too scared to take medicine to calm myself down), so I hadn’t been eating as much as I used to. I’m starting to get almost a little dizzy recalling this like it feels like I keep having happen, but I really feel like I should talk about it. But about 2-3 days into this period with heavy bleeding, I went to bed feeling off that night, then suddenly snapped awake about 7am feeling like something was VERY wrong. I fought with myself about it for a while, then got up to pee. Got very dizzy in the bathroom, so I pretty much ran back into my bedroom to wake up my boyfriend and said “I almost passed out in the bathroom.” He knows a few years ago I had been on a different birth control and had something similar-ish happen where I almost fainted in that bathroom after waking up middle of the night so he popped right up. I’ve only ever had a major panic attack once before in my life, and in hindsight it was really like that. But my vision got tunnelly, and my ears felt full, and I felt cold all over, and I started saying “oh god” a lot, and he walked me into our other bedroom to try and get me to calm down. I guess I saw myself in the mirror and saw how pale I was, and I remember slumping against him. I remember feeling SO tired, physically tired and cold, and I thought “oh my god, I’m probably dying. I’m probably bleeding out and dying, I’m probably so anemic.” I remember him calling out to his mom, too, to call the ambulance. So I got an ambulance ride to the hospital with warm fluids and I was shaking SO bad the whole time, only to stay in the ER for about 8hrs with a diagnosis of vasovagal syncope. Ever since I’ve had trouble sleeping. The very first few nights after that, I’d jolt awake when I started dozing off, and/or I’d kick so hard in my sleep. My boyfriend pulled LATE hours petting me to get me to sleep and would stay awake vigilant to comfort me again when I inevitably woke up. I’d also a lot of times doze off, then inhale REAL DEEPLY and loudly as if to remind myself I was breathing. Lots of focusing on my own breathing, on my heart beat. What’s worse is pretty immediately after the first 3 or so nights I was fine, then I had I suppose a moment where I felt cold enough in a weird enough place, and I freaked out just the same. I was so convinced I was going to pass out, which is apparently as bad as death for me right now. I’ve had a lot of talks and cries because I’ve always had death anxiety we called it, and feeling like I was dying so real then really messed with me. And after my relapse we’re also calling that, I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping again. Well, it’s January and im doing moderately better, but sometimes I jolt awake at night and my heart is POUNDING. I feel so wrong, like something is DEFINITELY WRONG. But sometimes im able to just get right back to sleep despite that, and I wake up and im fine. But it doesn’t help because the next night it’s the same song and dance where im scared to sleep because what if I don’t see tomorrow? And im so so focused on these intrusive thoughts on ‘gee, I wonder what it feels like to die!’ Or ‘wonder what it would feel like if my heart just stopped right now’. I used to google symptoms a lot, or look up Reddit threats to feel companionship about a feeling, but doing that was very triggering so I stopped cold turkey. Anyway, um I had a moment literally last night where I woke up heart pounding but I got right back to sleep, and here I am right now at 6:12am next to a sleeping boyfriend not tired because ‘my heart MIGHT be feeling funny’. Im doing a lot better during the day I think, but I have such deep depressing intrusive thoughts sometimes, and I feel like im miles away briefly. Any advice? I’ve been in therapy before for different issues like major anxiety and family problems, and it didn’t really help. In fact, I’ve had quite a lot of bad therapists. But this sounds more like PTSD as well as OCD? Or something. I don’t want to call it myself, just wondering if ANYONE out there is going through something similar. I know I’ve definitely got a history of some kind of OCD at least, because when I was a kid I used to have to do everything twice (like washing my hands a # of times, evenly, but divisible by 2 two times to come out to another even number, so 16 would have been fine but I used to overshoot it to like 42+ pumps of hand soap.) And that morphed into eating two of something for a long time, like making myself two sandwiches or ramen packets. But, anyway, yeah. Please, advice? Thoughts? I feel very alone and scared sometimes. TLDR; have weird periods, they gave me anemia, anemia gave me anxiety and I fainted with a hospital visit. Have frequent health obsession and PTSD-like symptoms but not sure. Please advice, thoughts, or help

I want to go do something I enjoy so badly but I feel like I don’t deserve it. I’m full of guilt, shame, and anxiety. I wish I felt okay like I did a few days ago. I feel so awful right now. I hate OCD. I HATE pocd. I hate all of it. I wish this was easier. Sometimes I have the thought that I wish I was the things my OCD makes me afraid I am out of desperation to stop the anxiety, but then that thought makes me panic bc I don’t actually mean that or want that I just want the anxiety and urgency in the compulsions to stop. I’m so tired

I do believe I am but of course I haven’t gotten an actual diagnosis. I just get told pretty often how I’m not normal or the way I think isn’t normal. I used to not think about things the way I do now and I’m not sure if something can trigger OCD?? I started obsessing over things about 3 years ago, and it’s getting worse. I take anxiety meds and I feel like they kinda help except for when they don’t; and I have to take a Xanax to put me out of my panic attacks. The main things I obsess over is germs and my health. Germs. I think about anything and everything I can see them I can feel them. ALL THE TIME. It’s exhausting. My hands are cracked and bleeding from how much I wash them and it makes me wash them even more because now I have open wounds on my hands and I don’t want germs to get in there! I have many different shoes for certain places they go. I have outside slippers, I have in house but not in room slippers, and I have slippers that are only in my room. Germs do go into my supposed health OCD. I panic if I believe I’ve touched something that someone who has aids or herpes has touched. I don’t like to touch anything with my hands and yet I have to wash my hands so many times because I feel like germs got on my hands. That’s my biggest fear actually is getting a disease that cannot be cured. I think about it constantly and what I can do to prevent it and you bet I notice the SMALLEST detail when it comes to my health and body I have a new freckle omg I need to make sure it’s not cancer. I’m so appreciative my partner understands me. He has to follow the way I live for me to feel comfortable. I pay for his health insurance just so I can make sure he hasn’t caught anything or if any of his moles aren’t cancerous. It’s exhausting

**TMI Warning: This post is very personal and might be uncomfortable for some.** I’m feeling panicked and need to get this out. I have intrusive thoughts that make me question my morals, especially about consent. I have a CNC preference (consent to non-consent), but I feel so conflicted because I know how horrifying and heartbreaking real non-consensual acts are. The thought of anyone suffering in that way is so awful, yet I get thoughts that feel like I’m justifying the real thing—the immoral thing. Sometimes, I feel like I have to focus hard just to truly condemn it, and that terrifies me. It’s hard to separate these thoughts from who I am, and I’m scared it means something terrible about me. I feel so much shame for having a CNC preference. I know it’s rooted in consent, but I feel like I’ve never had certainty that I fully condemn the real thing. I’m scared that deep down, I might think it’s all the same.

+18 only!! TW for sexual content!! (This might be TMI, but I need advice) So, this is kinda embarrassing, but I haven't been able to self-pleasure without feeling shame or guilt. It's so bad that I've just stopped altogether, but I don't want to avoid it. It was something I enjoyed and was comfortable with, and now, because of OCD, it just makes me feel... gross. It's a perfectly normal and healthy thing to do, but my mind just tries to convince me that it's wrong. Had anyone else dealt with this? It's not a huge issue, but I'm tired of unnecessary shame. :(

We are responsible for stopping our compulsions but are we responsible for doing them?

A "perfectionist." As a child, that's how most described me. Little did I know it might've been related to OCD. When writing notes, if I didn't write a single letter correctly or the ink smudged, I'd tear the paper out from the notebook and re-do the whole thing. It would take me HOURS. Another thing I remember that I still catch myself doing is walking a specific way on the sidewalk. I'd have to start with my right foot, then my left foot, and finish with my right foot at the end of the sidewalk square. If I messed up, I'd feel the urge to turn around and restart from the last square. Knocking on wood also became a compulsion of mine (which I still do lol). Same thing with "step on a crack, break your mother's back." I remember kids in elementary telling me that, and I jumped on a crack to prove to them that it wouldn't happen, but then immediately after doing so, I grew extremely anxious. Because, "What if it's true and I just hurt someone I love?" That day, I'm pretty sure I went home and apologized to my mom for stepping on the crack, and she laughed. Bad intrusive thoughts every night about scenarios where my family would pass away, and I'd imagine how life would be without them. I'd cry about it every single night for years. This eventually evolved into a fear that, if I didn't hug my mom or dad before they left the house, then something horrific would happen to them. Then, even later, it evolved again into intrusive thoughts of ME doing violent things to them. It was horribly distressing, but I didn't tell anyone about it because I thought they'd be afraid of me. One time, I'd been convinced myself that my entire family and I's flight would crash. I begged my mom to cancel our trip because "I just had a feeling that this time, it really would happen." The next day on the flight, I passed out multiple times, but our plane landed safely, and we all lived! Mentally reviewing past conversations over and over again and even scripting out conversations. Constantly asking for reassurance about EVERYTHING. Even if it was something small. During Covid, I grew really paranoid. If I touched anything, I felt like I immediately had to wash my hands two or three times. The air outside felt "contaminated," and I'd get intrusive thoughts just walking around our neighborhood about catching Covid by just being outside. In the first month, I did actually end up getting really sick, but I don't think it was Covid. Still, this only worsened my paranoia, and I'd constantly plug my ears to check my breathing, or I'd check my pulse. I thought I would develop pneumonia and die in my sleep😭 There's probably more, but that's just a few of the memories I've been looking back on...

Help. TW/nsfw.. incest ocd and trauma Any help or advice please… I need a little help. I have a family member who put me through a lot growing up, emotional and psychological. But sometimes they traumatized me by not being careful of their sexual stuff around me. Like pleasuring themselves while im in the room or not caring about pornography on their devices while around me. Anyways, my brain has sexualized and fantasized this moments since it happened when I was little. Anyways now that im older that family member and me still are around each other. I get these strong groinal responses whenever it seems like they are touching themselves again or I hear something that sounds like that. The groinal responses get so strong that it can cause climax even if I don’t touch myself. But anyways this groinal feeling and climax has happened while I’ve been around this family member. Either when we sleep in the same bed or are in the same room. They don’t know about this as I am scared to talk to them about this since they caused some of this trauma. Anyways, since this has happened around them it feels like I violated them in some way even though I know I didn’t. And also I started having false memories like “oh what if you did something inappropriate to said family member while they were sleeping and u forgot”…. And I know that’s not true deep down but I let it worry me too much that now I can’t differentiate between what’s real and what’s not. They know about my ocd and I told them about this fear and they said they would know if I hurt them when they were sleeping and to not worry myself. But it’s hard to explain what triggered it since THEY are the trigger. I am scared me having these groinal responses and allowing my body to climax from it (i just sit there and let this disgusting feeling pass, like im not sitting there touching myself) while being near this person is a violation of them. Any advice or help. I feel so weird and gross. I love this family member dearly as they raised me.

Hi, i had this thought today and it scares me, i’m in a relationship, and i have ROCD, i had a thought of “what if someone asks you out in public and you get disappointed when you have to say no” i’m so scared that this will happen, i don’t want this to happen and it terrifies me. I don’t want to get asked out in public cause i’m afraid i’ll feel that way

TW// NSFW and childhood So today, I am making some big changes. I am going to see a psychiatrist, as I already have found a therapist on here. I am very scared to speak with them, though. My OCD themes are very sexual and taboo. I also had a weird childhood, I was exposed to pornography at around age 4 to 5 I witnessed things, had other children do things to me , and also witness family members being careless with their sexual interactions around me. I was very hyper sexual as a kid, and even up until now. I was touching myself at those young ages as well, compulsively, 24/7 and inappropriate places like school, in front of family, etc. I developed weird fantasies as a kid and watched very weird things, but around age 14 is when I started becoming aware of how these things do not align with who I am deep down, and it began to make me very anxious and uncomfortable, eventually leading me to find out and get diagnosed with OCD. A bad compulsion I deal with, like I said, before is self pleasure, but it has become a compulsion that it worries me that I like the nature of my OCD. I also experimented in such disturbing ways as a child that it haunts me now. And some fantasies have stuck, as they revolve around something traumatic I’ve seen as a kid. For example, the main one, is when I was younger, there was a family member who would be careless with pornography on their phone, self pleasure around me, etc.. so my brain has sexualized this for such a long time. But I love that family member, dear to my heart, and I would never want to do anything sexual with them harmful to them. I know this is getting long, but I guess this is my story? I am a little nervous, well, actually very scared, that the psychiatrist is going to tell me that I am my biggest fear, someone who needs to be kept away from kids, pets, society. I just feel so not normal. It makes me super sad and drained. If anyone has any advice, or even something that they can relate on, anything helps. Thank you.

once I make a decision about something and go forth with it and can’t undo it (e.g tell someone something etc) my mind won’t shut up about what if that’s the wrong choice and oh you’re gonna be regret that?!? It happens so much and so frequently that it’s so hard to believe it’s OCD or not….anyone else struggle with this or know how to calm down from it?

Has anyone ever felt like there arousal changed? I use to get aroused to women only. Now feels like it switched and I hate it. I feel numb to women and get aroused to men. Even had an erection. I have a beautiful fiancé and a son I love. I don’t want to be gay. Can someone help

So, I'd originally wanted to do therapy with NOCD, but I'm more comfortable with in-person appointments. I'm realizing, though, that it's incredibly difficult to find someone who actually specializes in OCD and that's affordable. Everyone in my area who is an OCD specialist charges +$200 or more per hour, and they don't take insurance AT ALL. Which is... insane. My psychiatrist is helping me look for one, but most of the practices that reach out don't specialize in OCD, or it's they only treat children. One said that they have a therapist who can help, but they don't have any open spots for at least a few months. They did offer to get me in with another one of their therapists in the meantime and try their best to help with other things, but I'm not sure what's the right thing to do. I'm desperate, and I'd love to do therapy with NOCD, but I'm afraid for some reason. I've never done online therapy, and I've also never done therapy for OCD in particular, so it's just unknown territory and out of my comfort zone, I guess. I'd appreciate any advice, honestly. How long did it take for you to find the right therapist? 🤍

Idk. It was slightly daunting before ocd but now it’s more daunting. Especially with the relationship thing. Like I cannot conceptualize forever. My parents got divorced. Most of the relationships I’ve seen have fallen apart. I’m worried about making a mistake and living in the wrong relationship with the wrong gender my whole life but I was so happy and confident before. Now I feel like. None of that. I’m wondering. Who do I want to do life with? Who do I wanna sleep next to my whole life? Have sex with? Have a family with? Am I holding back from my real soulmate cuz I didn’t feel that intense draw towards my bf? I had breakup thiughts and random intrusive thoughts about me dying or smthn random like that but they never bothered me at all so I worry about them. Idk. I’m so tired Being bisexual makes this more confusing. Cuz now I’m worried I’m a lesbian cuz I can’t feel anything lately towards my bf besides slight anxiety, overwhelm and nausea. Idk. I’m tired and about to head to bed but I wanted to rant. Idk if anyone else feels like that if you do pls Lmk, especially with the nausea. I feel nausea around anything sexual lately. And I feel horrible cuz I do wanna be intimate but I have no energy and don’t wanna do it much lately.

PLEASE do not argue over political stances in this post that is not what this is for at all. For context I consider myself someone with mixed views (politically homeless) and I am connected with people of all stripes and beliefs and stances. After the inauguration in the USA this weekend there has been an overwhelming response from the populace especially online. I feel like I’m completely surrounded by people (on every “side”) who are making very intense and unyielding statements about other people’s morals and values and “good-“ or “bad-ness” based on their beliefs, opinions, responses or non responses to all the different things going on politically. I feel like it’s driving me insane. My head has been spinning constantly and I can’t stop crying. I feel like I’m drowning and cornered and under a police interrogation light. I’m so terrified of saying or doing or thinking or not thinking the “wrong” thing, I’m feeling my heart being torn in so many directions and I’m struggling to stop ruminating and spiraling over feeling like I don’t belong anywhere and no matter what I’m always going to be evil to someone. This is not me taking a side or revealing what I think, or trying to make an implied judgment or comment on ANY political figure, policy, etc….My point is: the issue I’m having is with the way people are talking about these issues and about other people in the midst of these issues, so black and white, so moralistic, and my OCD is having a field day. Just looking for camaraderie and to know I’m not alone in this. I please ask again do not bring up specific political issues or take stances in the comments. Thank you.

[Long Post] I have spent a long time coming to terms with my OCD and how it has affected my beliefs and my spirituality. I went through a period where discussions about religion triggered my OCD in such a way that it made my stomach hurt. I felt like I needed to run to the bathroom and puke or scream or cry. I would always feel that dread deep down that I wasnt doing enough; that I was wrong or selfish and would burn for my beliefs. It's taken a long time to get to a place where I feel comfortable, content and happy, but it seems like my parents could undo all of that. My dad and stepmom are religious, but theyre religious in a way that makes me very uncomfortable, triggering my OCD in such a way that it makes my stomach hurt. My stepmother is obbsesses with the afterlife and those videos that talk about what heaven looks like. She talks also talks about speaking with the dead and predicting the future, seeing ghosts and dark figures in the house. Hearing the devil??? I've had moments in my life where I thought that god was speaking to me and telling me bad things, or a presence that I thought was god only for me to get a scary image of it in my head and trying desperately to convince myself it wasnt real. So you can imagine my extreme disinterest in this topic of conversation. Then there's my dad. My dad keeps trying to get me to go to church, read the bible, and contort my beliefs. This morning he texted me a link to a bible app which I deleted. I tell him that I believe that being kind and loving is more than enough, and he tells me it's not. That that's not enough for god, that you have to go to church and fellowship and all that in order to do right by god. I hate all of it! That type of talk from him scares me, and it makes me feel that one day he'll try to convince me that I'm blasphemous and that god is disappointed in me, like being loving isnt enough. What sparked me to make this post was an incident from a couple of days ago. My dad came across a video on his IG fyp, and it was a pastor (i believe, possibly a deacon) who was talking about lies Christians have told people. He said some very comforting things like you dont have to be Christian in order to get into heaven, as well as some controversial claims like God sending Jesus to live, not die. It was an interesting video and it didnt seem to have any malice, but my dad immediately went "This man is dangerous" and then proceedes to go through all of the reasons why he was wrong out loud to me and my little sister. I eventually walked away, but he just kept going. I ended up looking up the page (compulsively) and was actually interested in what he was saying, but the comments held the same sentiment as my dad. I felt that awful feeling in my stomach again. I dont feel normal whenever they talk about this, it's like I disassociate. My religious OCD is warring with my genuine beliefs: love, comfort, kindness, acceptance. I hate how my parents make me feel. I feel like I need to run away, I feel like theyre trying to convert me. Apologies for my panic, I'd just like to know if I'm alone in this discomfort. Or perhaps I'm just looking for a little comfort and kindness<3

i talk to my boyfriend i am angry and have a strange feeling when i think of him i dont know what i feel , i look at photos i feel like a different person , disconnected , i am so distressed and sad and i have so many other thoughts and doubts im ao acared, even the past, when i was happy i doubt that as well, i am tierd of being like this, this males me act bad towards him, i am scared i dont like him or love him or like the way he looks or that i never liked him or that i just like the ideea of a relationship im so scared i have other thoughts i dont want to write them now im scared i am like this all day 24/7 from the moment i wake up i camt ignore them , im scared to ignore them and let them be there i am too scared

i guess i’m looking for guidance? maybe even just life advice, i don’t reassurance but maybe to put this someone else. i’m in a good happy relationship and it brought out my rocd for the past year. that caused me a ton of guilt and made me feel like i was a liar and that maybe i secretly didn’t want my relationship. now i feel better and more in control of my thoughts and to deal with it, but i experience maybe some questioning on if i should feel guilty of the way ive showed up or perceived my relationship. i feel that part of my has only really started to trust and accept my partner. there’s other parts of me that feel guilty for thinking others are attractive, or maybe thinking she looks average sometimes, i know this is normal but at the same time it brings up a lot of guilt and doubt i guess. i know everyone is allowed to have their own path and journey, but i guess i have a timeline in my head that feels like i have to know if i want to be with my partner for ever at this point and that i have to think they’re the most attractive person ever and almost obsess over them to make it work. and i want it to work but then you know the questioning comes in and all my doubts come back, but they feel calmer which is the ocd trap ofc of believing that those thoughts are true but i guess i know they’re not i want to approach them in a new way. now that ive kind of settled those feelings and create a relationship with myself i have this idea in my mind that im doomed in this because it been a year and im only starting to really open up, find this person attractive( even tho i check sometimes) and even like consider being with them for a long time. ive been through a lot with them and i love them but its always likeme thinking this isn’t my person for real, or i get an urge to break up. it gets exhausting to the point where you believe it you know. what doesn’t help is that im so young so i know i dont need to know anything but you know its an unhealthy coping mechanism im trying to transform. i guess i just want to give myself permission to not know or to approach my relationships more maturely, i deserve to have one after all- but rocd has made me believe a lot that i don’t necessarily agree with or want to.