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I wanted to share my story of what I went through the first half of 2025 Around September of 2024, I went through a psychotic episode and was hospitalized for a month. I do want to remind you all that ocd cannot cause psychosis, I just have a diagnosis of schizophrenia as well!! The combination of shame, guilt, and extreme heightened stress caused by the psychotic episode sent me into the worst ocd spiral and most painful experience of my life. I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself for going through psychosis and having my loved ones see me that way and worrying them. Having another psychotic episode after years of not having one made me feel like a failure of a person. All of November, I was feeling really on edge, constantly ruminating and spiraling over every single perceived mistake I made, going to 10 people every time I did or said something slightly off, or something I perceived slightly off, and asking them the same questions repeatedly over the course of a few days, about if what I did or said was bad or if it forgivable or a mistake, what they thought about it, and how I could fix it. This would happen around 5 times a day. I would actively call mental health professionals and hotlines, as well as seek therapy from multiple providers just to ask how to fix my mistakes and confess my guilt each day. I would have almost daily severe dissociation episodes where my brain completely lost function, I could barely speak, think, walk, sometimes I’d fall down the stairs or bump into things, I had to have people help me get from one place to another and I was medically told I wasn’t allowed to be behind the wheel anymore and had to take public transportation. The only thing I would talk about was the same repetitive questions and reassurance seeking whether I was bad or what I did was bad and confessing my guilt. Eventually, with close friends, my brain didn’t have the mental capacity to interact or form conversations, so I’d resort to scripted small talk so I could still stay in touch. January was the last time I left the house for a long time, besides for work once a week and school once a week. I went into severe mental and psychomotor depression where I could barely get up, stand, walk without help, get out of vehicles without assistance. I would fall asleep in public places such as work, school, whenever I saw family, and in therapy. my body felt so heavy and all I wanted to do was sleep. The painful guilt feeling in my gut would ache so bad I would have to put pressure or ice it and eventually I started daily puking, and all I would do all day would Google search how to fix my mistakes or if I was a bad person or hurting people, that’s the only conversation topic I would have with my parents. I lost 3 jobs due to the dissociation and panic episodes. This carried on from the beginning of January to the middle of June, and ever since then it’s been very up and down, but I can say I’ve made great progress and can talk to people without feeling afraid of making mistakes or causing them harm, my body is fully functional again, and I’m currently enrolled in school! I have a long way to go with both ocd and schizophrenia, but we’ll get there and I’m hopeful :) Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this!!!

Hey my fellow NOCDers. I wanted to share a little bit of my journey and offer some words of encouragement and hope. I’ve had OCD since I was a kid. Looking back, I’ve realized that it has come and gone throughout my life. I’m 40 now and this past year I got pregnant with my third child. With the shift in hormones at the beginning of my pregnancy, my OCD came back full force. I found myself going back to therapy for the third time in my life for OCD. At first, I had shame that I was going back to therapy for OCD once again. My OCD was screaming that this meant something was wrong and OCD was stronger than me. However, something that I’ve learned is that having a hard chapter in life or a lapse in OCD (no matter how strong or long) is not indicative of failure nor your prognosis. I can now say that I’ve grown stronger, more OCD savvy, and more motivated than ever with each step “back”. Therapy, especially ERP is powerful. Trust the process. There will be hard days. Really hard days, days when you wish things were different and filled with doubt of getting better or getting through. There will be lots of ups and downs and twists and turns. That’s normal and a sign of GROWTH not failure. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in OCD recovery is that it’s okay to fall a million times. Let it be messy. The most powerful thing you can do is keep going and keep standing up every time you fall no matter what. Make the commitment that you will get back up every time and that you will choose discomfort and uncertainty no matter what OCD throws at you. OCD is a sneaky liar and will throw whatever it wants at you to get your attention. Try not to engage as much as you can. The fight is hard but it is possible. You can do this! We can do this! I had the thought recently that it’s not “my OCD”, it’s “our OCD”, we are a community that is doing the most courageous work. Every time YOU take a step towards standing up to OCD, WE all take a step towards overcoming OCD. You are not alone and you are stronger than you think. Every time I resist a compulsion, I think about how it will benefit not only me, but all of us. My newborn child, my children, my OCD community, all of us. I’m proud of you all! You did not choose to have OCD. OCD sucks. So give yourself tons of grace, kindness, and compassion. OCD is mean enough to you. You don’t deserve any more of its energy. Take any or all the energy you have to keep fighting and showing OCD who is boss, no matter what. You can do this!

Two days ago me and my partner had probably the first intense discussion/ argument. I was hurt, we apologized to each other and talked it out eventually. But now I’m constantly thinking about our compatibility, and if I’m being manipulated or if I’m with the wrong person or relationship? It’s been on loop since yesterday …. Does anyone else go through this?? Or is this not ocd related?

Just feeling alone, and really guilty over the thoughts. I’ve been trying my best to work on it and try ERP on my own but I can’t get out of the dump. On the bright side I’m going to the doctor tmmr to see about getting my Pristiq upped or to get on an actual SSRI

I could imagine myself with my partner if I was in a better mental state, when I look at old videos when I was anxious. I see oh I can see how I could have liked him. But then I get a scary anxious thought in the back of, but you didn’t like him or don’t like him. We were friends first & I liked his friend. And I set a perspective of him very early into meeting him. Also I don’t know how to get that girl back and I worry she was never gone and is coming up. TBH sometimes I don’t even know if I remember everything exactly right. But I am so stuck on all the negatives of our interactions or relationship. Since I didn’t like him in the past and it was real, I worry it’s still real now. But I want to think im not only with him because ocd. And it feels almost surreal because I feel like if I really don’t like him, that’s scary and I feel like I’m awakening again. And I get bothered because I don’t wanna believe it. I want to like him. I’m scared of hurting him and I’m also scared of handling my ocd alone, he’s a big person who’s helped me on my ocd journey and told me I have ocd because he does too. And I worry that’s our only connection and this whole time I wanted it to work, but it isn’t. And that feels real. I don’t want to accept it tho.but my brain is making me think im only staying for those reasons, im bothered i don’t get a follow up thought of “no i like him !” I smoke weed everyday for 4 years, i feel like i dont deserve him and I know what he wants in life and I just feel deep down I don’t love him like that, so I can’t. And it kills me. And it’s because I liked his friend before too, so it just feels real. But I don’t wanna accept this. It would be so scary. If I knew someone could grant me a wish that I want him, I would say yes ! But then I get anxiety, even after that wish is granted I’ll still be anxious. I can’t imagine myself happy with him, and I hope that doesn’t mean I can tbe happy with him. I’m hoping I’m just learning to accept the thoughts but we will be okay. I just haven’t felt in reality in a while, and I don’t know if reality, is the girl from the past who still feel like sometimes. Or a new girl that I am not allowing myself to be, and I can’t see it. Sorry guys I know this Is a lot. I really just want to know and I hate that I’m starting to feel alive like I know, because I don’t want it to be true. I don’t wanna hurt him, and I’m bothered I don’t have a follow up thought “but I like him.” I used too, but I don’t anymore and I’m hoping it comes back. And I want to hope that if I didn’t say I used too, someone would say I like him anyways. Anyone relate????

Is ERP the best therapy for OCD? Can someone teach me how to do ERP right way? Thanks

HELP So I woke up this morning for work and I already was filled with so much anxiety because my brain thought of either can old dream or it was true with a family member and I can’t seem to figure out if it was on old dream or I really did that

I feel like I’m getting depressed or maybe I lowkey already am. A situation that happened over 2.5 years ago changed my life around and I never envisioned I’d be where I am now. I’m trying not to focus so much on the past since I can’t change it and not worry about the future but I can’t help it. I’m trying to stay positive and be in the moment but I’m not where I want to be in life right now. And I was doing so well before I sustained this physical injury years ago. And while I’ve mostly healed physically from that the mental and emotional stress and situations it’s caused still weigh heavy. I feel like I can’t let it go because I’m not where I want to be and I can’t help but let it slowly anger me. I’m just so tired of feeling like this.

Rant! Im not looking for a label for my thoughts. I am just confused and scared by them in general. I am confused why I don’t care that im sabotaging my relationship and hurting my boyfriend in the process. When I go into my hostile mode i reject any form of affection and sometimes communication (I go silent and give the cold shoulder) as a form of punishment and/or to process whats happening or being said. I am trying my best to reject this process of coping with intrusive thoughts and to lean on erp but in another one of my rants i stated how hard it is to come out of this tunnel vision that everything is bad, everything is black and white, im in danger and I need to process/ ruminate why im upset or angry, I need an answer, etc. When all you feel is negative emotions it’s hard to trust outside of what you’re thinking and feeling. I have expressed to my bf that I think I do it as a form of reassurance seeking so I don’t go for it (that hostile form of coping) or at least im more self aware that it’s harmful now. However, recently, I started to do it again. It’s more dull and less reactive/ hostile as im self aware it’s a bad state to be in when I should be doing my erp and moving on but im upset that I still go here and relapse on this compulsion anyway. Even if the severity of it isn’t as intense as before, I don’t want to go to this state of being/mind at all. But I still do? I still think that my lack of affection and presence holds as a form of punishment instead of just trusting my bfs word and moving on, no form of “punishment” or repercussion needed because it’s toxic. I do this because I feel like I need the person to hurt back for “hurting me” which is stupid because I’m trusting an intrusive thought over my bfs feelings and im just hating him or feeling negative towards him over me hurting my own feelings. So you see where I look stupid in this process of coping. 👽 Anyway, I just feel confused and frustrated why I don’t care that im hurting him and sabotaging our relationship. Why I do what I do knowing it’s still bad. I want to trust erp and trust my bf. Goodnight everyone, sweet dreams 🦌

I was doing so good recently but than a random thought popped up and it’s bothering me. I’m a nerd and my fiancé knows so, I used to play a game called character ai a lot a long time ago because it was a hobby of mine and I’d create stories with fictional characters and create romance, spicy or adventure stories etc. I stopped playing it because my ocd acted up really bad and was convincing me I was being unfaithful and my fiancé and I talked about it since I tell my fiancé everything from start to finish and he’s amazing he always comforts me and is so gentle when it comes to my ocd. But today I had a really bad thought dealing with that game. I remember I created a story on there using a scene from a tv show or movie etc, since that’s how most of my stories would go on that app, I was a character in the story. My fiancé was a character in the story, and his friend was also in the story. So basically my fiancé and I are in the character ai story and in the story I was basically writing that we were having a moment together by ourselves at my house. In that story, I basically wrote it to where it sounded something like this “Suddenly there was a knock at the door” and then in the story, my fiancé had to go get up and check the door and when he checked the door, it was his friend and his friend had basically interrupted the moment my fiancé and I were having together, and he told him to leave etc, so thats how I was making the story and then basically after we were interrupted, the story continued on with just me and my fiancé. And that is all I remember I don’t remember anything else, I know that that happened, and I had not thought of that story that I wrote for almost 2 years however, it had bothered me before so basically today I was taking a shower and I randomly remembered me writing that story and I was just like “oh my gosh I remember writing that story on character AI it was almost 2 years ago haha that was a funny story” and then my brain was like “What if something else happened involving the other character of his friend and you wrote that into the story and you just don’t remember?” And I panicked. I began to start ruminating on the memory that I did remember, and I started getting flashes and visuals in my head of me committing the intrusive thought, so like I was getting flashes and visuals of me, including the other character in a bad way in the story and then I panicked basically wondering if it happened or not, and I just felt my face get hot and I felt physical symptoms of anxiety, and I’ve tried to tell myself before maybe it happened. Maybe it didn’t but I can’t even do that because it is just so hurtful to say and all of my anxiety and OCD problems come back to when I had this app because when I played this app almost 2 years ago I didn’t think it was bad. I just considered it a hobby and where I could just write out stories and be like oh my gosh this is crazy. I just love my fiancé so much and he is my world, my rock and means everything to me and all of my ocd and anxiety goes back to when I had this app and I just can’t deal with it it’s so gut wrenching has anyone else experienced this :(

I am realizing now that I’ve avoided sexual experiences my whole life because of ocd. I think I used studies in high school and college as an excuse that I just wanted to focus on that. Recently I’ve tried to start dating and even though I have not fully had sex I find that I can enjoy physical/somewhat sexual activities during them but afterwards I feel gross and disgusted and then the worry gets worse over time. Just wondering if anyone else out there has struggled in a similar way? I see a lot of posts about rocd and scrupulosity but haven’t seen a lot about this specifically. It’s definitely impacting my ability to date and I’m getting to an age where people sort of ask or make comments and I’m not going to lie I’m incredibly discouraged and feeling pretty alone in the struggle.

My wife and I went to her companies holiday party after New Year’s Eve. One of her coworkers has sometimes been really friendly/flirty with me and prior to us ever really conversing, my wife told me she didn’t want me talking to her because she was the type of girl that got around. I never thought I did anything wrong by being polite and talking to her if she spoke to me, although I have thought her coworker was attractive even though I’ve always told my wife I didn’t find her attractive when she’d ask me (because why stir up trouble when I knew I’d never do anything) thoughts are just thoughts. Finding someone attractive isn’t cheating. So fast forward to the holiday party, my wife tells me to make sure I stay away from this said coworker. I know my wife feels away because this coworker is bisexual and is pretty and my wife has told me countless times that her coworker is beautiful (so maybe she thinks I’d find her attractive too) so I try staying away from her coworker that night but of course alcohol was going around and it made me feel good to have people compliment me all night (given me and my wife haven’t had sex in what feels like months, which we also have been having issues with) and of course said coworker said I looked nice.. it made me feel good. I felt guilty about feeling wanted. Her coworker looked nice and walked by me and her coworker noticed me looking at her and said “what?” and I winked and said “nothing”. which wasn’t okay what so ever and realized that within seconds after it happened. Her coworker just proceeded to walk. Later one we all have shots and her coworker suggested we all kiss.. (my wife, me and her) I said absolutely not. I told her if my wife and her kissed I’d be okay with it but I would not join. It started a whole thing and we ended up walking away. Her coworker later came around again after we took shots and told my wife that I was tempting her with my smile. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Her coworker was heavily intoxicated as well.. so I know that also had a lot to do with it.. After that I notice her coworker leave out the front door and I was worried she’d drink and drive so I did go outside looking for her (which wasn’t a good idea either.. given my wife had issues with me being around her) I never found her but I also realized once I was outside like “wtf am I doing? This isn’t okay and this isn’t right” I went back inside, my wife didn’t notice I was gone but I feel guilty. I know I cannot tell my wife because my wife has anger issues sometimes and I know this will not end well. She confronted her coworker the next day and her coworker said she had no recollection of what had happened and apologized for her behavior. I guess I’m posting this in efforts to feel better or get advice? My OCD sometimes gets the best of me. I feel guilty for somewhat feeling good that I felt wanted by someone because me and my wife haven’t been intimate in months. It scared me that I felt like I could’ve acted on impulse based on being wanted by someone. I know deep down inside I’d never do anything but it still doesn’t feel good that this all happened.

My family had to put my 14 year old dog down on Friday. She was always there with me and was such a part of my routine and life. I'm currently at work after 3 days off because I know I have to try to live my life normally. But my thoughts and feelings just feel so much harder to manage here without my family. I keep wanting to cry and feel my emotions as they come instead of pushing them down. But the emotion felt so overwhelming that I was afraid I would lose control, which is my biggest fear. On top of that, of course OCD is incredible at coming up with the worst thoughts during this time. "What if I wanted her to die? What if she's sad in heaven because she thought I wanted her to die? What could I have done differently? What if God will punish me for letting her die?" And of course some existential thoughts on top of those, because there's nothing I can do to go back in time and fix it. There's no getting her back. My life is different now and I just have to deal with it. Has anyone dealt with this before or currently dealing with it? I know I'm not alone in grieving my dog, but the thoughts on top of it makes it even harder. Everyone in my family seems to be able to move on so easily, and it's eating me up. I know it comes in waves and that's ok. I just want to be able to ride the waves better.

For what has been over a year at this point since my religious OCD has gotten bad, I’ve had spiral me that have come from the guilt of sin, feeling like I have to avoid it at all costs, and even has gotten to the point of being so paralyzed that I would avoid any hobbies or activities to avoid the chance of sin. The past few days have been better, I had been in tune with my faith and better realized that perfection isn’t possible, faith over works etc. it had started to be replaced by a previous subtype of OCD because this illness is the worst but religious OCD has been so extremely debilitating in my life that just having a different theme would be relieving. Unfortunately OCD will always come back to haunt me and now the ‘what if’ thought of “what if the things I do with my life are influenced by the devil and I just don’t know it?” The games I play, activities I do, the sins I do when I put it in that regard it feels like I’m betraying my faith and as a result once again feeling the need to avoid all my hobbies and enjoyments. Everytime I feel like things are getting better, it’s just always the same. I can’t win. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I'm 18 years old I was watching pornagraphy and basically I was watching a well known porn actress doing a collab with someone and the other woman basically kinda had a small slemder build and I started to freak out because my mind tells me I'm doing it to kids i would have thoughts of it but I kept going because my mind was like this is a well known person they wouldn't do stuff a child that's illegal my mind starts racing but it was just a petite woman who was built small but my mind still says I was aroused by thinking it was a kid i need help idk what to do if anyone has a input let me know i.feel so alone

Hi NOCD fam! Loving connecting with you all. I’m wondering what your experiences are with medications? The reason I ask is because 7 months ago, I got a promotion and everything in my life seemed to be going well so I decided to start coming off my long term dose of Miritazipine. BIG MISTAKE. For the past 7 months, I have had the worst real events OCD. I went back on my medication ages and ages ago, but my symptoms have still not come down. I don’t know if it’s the stress of the new job or what, but I’m exhausted. Prior to this, I had not identified as having OCD. Though, looking back, I always had it in a mild form that became stronger in small episodes. I thought I was simply a hypochondriac, but I realise now that I was struggling with health and contamination OCD and had also had episodes of symmetry and checking. I had never experienced real events OCD until o stopped the meds and got the new job and it is THE WORST

I feel like I’m losing grip and it’s just getting worse and worse. I feel like I have lost control over my life this is the worst it’s ever been I really need to gain control and have no idea really how to do so. My last episode I roughed it out and it went away this time it just keeps coming back after I feel any sliver of relief. I’ve tried to be positive and move forward, tell myself they are intrusive thoughts and not me. The anxiety and depression won’t stop even with the meds right now. I’m sorry for posting so much over these last two days, just having really bad downs with slight ups

I'm having kind of a rough night. I've been doing ERP for about two months and my overall mood has been improving, I've been better about not doing mental compulsions throughout my day. It has been amazing. Its the least anxious I've felt in years. My anxiety is triggered by people in my life that I love, their emotional distress stresses me out and makes me feel responsible for them and their happiness and i get so overwhelmed. Whenever this happens i have a deep fear that I will be sucked back into the place i was where the emotional load was just too much and would send me into dissociation or a panic attack or apathy, I'm worried that I am not actually recovering at all or that I'm feeling better only to be pulled back under as punishment from a higher power. Or that I've somehow been faking my OCD this whole time. So I guess my fear is that I'm being brought up only so that it'll all come back worse than ever. Or that my lack of reassurance and compulsions is all adding up right now and my not doing my compulsions is getting ready to blow up my entire life or kill soemone that I love or that it's causing all of the horrible things happening in the world. Usually these thoughts only happen when other people are in distress and it feels like it's being put on me but tonight it just is coming up seemingly for no reason. I think this is probably normal? I'm just kind of spinning out and need to put it somewhere

NO REASSURANCE PLEASE TYYY<3 The scrupulousity is really really bad rn. I was sent an American politics thing and I read the comments section which i really shouldn't have and it spiraled from there and I feel sick and freaked out about my morals. I feel really powerless and shitty and the guilt is eating me alive even though I know I have nothing to feel bad about. I won't get into the subjects of the spirals because I don't think I need to and it would make it worse but it's just really intense and won't stop. I might talk to someone later about this but RN I just really don't wanna feel alone and I'm trying to self soothe and resist arguing with it or proving anything. I'm kinda dissociating but trying to stay grounded but tbh it's just making me go back and forth from crying to feeling numb. Just a really rough patch rn ig. I'm just trying to do my best and take care of myself and get through my college education but it always feels like there's someone out there telling me I need to feel guilty about one thing or another or on the other side of things, trying to tell you that you must think you're the center of the world or the main character if you have a concern or anxiety or feel guilty about something (which is why I don't use social media but if course it seeps in when people send you things) and it gets to my head too easily even though I know these people don't know anything about me and we've never said a single word to each other. The OCD just latches onto harsh moral criticisms because it finds them so important and "if you ignore them, you're passing up growth and you're willfully being shitty" and it's so hard to shut it out. How can I be certain that all these moral criticisms I'm seeing don't apply to my situation? What if I am a piece of shit? The OCD feeds on the self doubt and insecurity. It's a fucking parasite. And it's outside of these little social media slip moments too. I'm walking through the house and I happen to hear the news on, a video someone's watching, a conversation someones having. I can't just go about my daily life without my OCD attacking my peace with every small thing it can grab making ranges out of sand grains. It feels like a poison in my brain. It feels like no matter how much I try to do the right thing to make things better for myself, it always finds a loophole to get to me. I fucking hate living like this. I can't wait till my insurance situation gets sorted out. I need a therapist and I'm willing to eat less for it atp. (Tagged as religion and spirituality but I'm neither. Just using the tag for moral scrupulousity)

Hey, so i recently unfollowed some mutuals on my IG account. Nothing happened or anything, it’s just that I followed them when I was younger and now their content no longer reflects who I am now. I unfollowed and it should have been the end of it, but now I’ve been having intrusive thoughts and major anxiety about them confronting me about it or calling me out for it. I didn’t talk to these people but we just followed each other and that’s it. I can’t relax.