Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I’m going to be in Grade 12 very soon- and i have to finalise some majors and unis im interested in… honestly i do love a lot of subjects but i also hate a lot of subjects 😄 im more of a math and physics person but geology is like so interesting to me and im good at it. So i thought- hm… geophysics? Like why not- it combines all of my major interests and its an applied math/physics field which i LOVE…. however. Okay for context- ocd and gad make me fearful of A LOT OF THINGS. One of those things being bugs, ticks, Lyme disease, all that fun stuff… and in the geophysics field- especially in university- there are definitely going to be moments where you HAVE to go off into the wilderness or somewhere remote even… that makes me hesitate because that sounds genuinely horrifying- like i just want to do physics and analyse seismic data and make maps 😭😭😭… but i looked back to some childhood photos of mine and i remembered how much i loved rocks and playing outside- i know those are pretty average kid interests- but i really loved collecting rocks and digging random holes 😭 i loved elementary school field trips to parks and rivers- it was relaxing and refreshing- and i realised the thing thats making me hesitant is not exactly fear- well yes- but because of ocd- and when i tell you i worry about bugs a lot i mean like i will JUMP and check for the next 20 minutes if there is a bug near me… but do yall think i should go for what im interested in despite the fact that it may be super scary and just face my fears and expose myself- or do you think there is no need to make my uni experience scary and just stay safe indoors? Also i should maybe mention even most indoor jobs in the geophysics field have some outdoor moments… also i think i can find cons in ALL jobs genuinely- i just dont know if certain cons are too severe for me to function-

Even though today has been fine and life has been improving lately, my thoughts started to spiral today. It feels like I don’t deserve a good life or healing since I held a lot of questionable beliefs as a kid and did a bunch of bad stuff - And whenever my life seems to get better and I start to learn how to be myself again, everyone’s lives around me get worse whether they are friends, family, or just simply my favorite YouTubers. When I damn near quit my dreams of being my artist, my OCD was running unchecked to the point of my borderline losing my grip on reality, and I was such a people pleaser to the point where my whole personality revolved around my friends’ dnd group - Everyone around me was happy or at least appeared so on the surface. My DND group and the other clubs at my community college were strong and thriving. My family welcomed in an orphanage my age as one of their own unofficial “adopted children”. My friend group was large and thriving and full of positive creatives. My favorite YouTubes included three talented animators with awesome ideas for cartoons, amazing fanart of my fandoms, and lovable original characters. It felt like at the time everyone was moving forward and living life’s without me. Fast forward a couple of years and I’m now in therapy, I just moved to a four year college to pursue a career in game design, I’m rediscovering my personality, and I’m slowly but surely reasserting my boundaries. It felt like the more I tried to improve my mental health and the more good things happened to me the worse everyone around me’s situations became. My family had to kick out the surrogate daughter orphan because she was harassing my dad, sister, and I. My old school’s DND club rapidly feel apart and was on life support by the time I left the club discord. My friend group had a huge falling out between many of its members on private discord servers I was never invited to and many of my old friends were outed as creeps. Many of my friends also developed severe physical and mental health conditions and our conversations would devolve into how crappy life was because Trump sucked, their families sucked, and they weren’t healthy. It even feels like as of late my three comfort YouTube animators lives have gotten worse. One has a chronic illness so bad that it’s left them wheelchair bound and at risk of quitting their channel, one is having increasingly worse manic episodes due to their BPD, and one is currently in hot water because they are trying to cancel someone that stalked and harassed them for years by releasing an evidence doc and now the harraser is slandering them and trying to get them cancelled back. It just feels like my happiness is others bad luck and this is karma for being a terrible person all those years ago. I never feel like I deserve any of the good things that happen to be and all the people around me who have bad things happen to them are all talented artists with wonderful personalities who all deserve the game design career I’m going to get and my health way more than me.

When I found this community and instagram account, I was like “WOW! this community actually exists? I’m not the only one? So I’m not a bad person for dealing with unwanted thoughts that cause me immense distress?” I didn’t even know what OCD was, what “ego-dystonic” meant (which was a huge relief), after struggling with it for a long time I genuinely think the instagram account + praying, helped save my sanity and life After that, i genuinely didn’t have OCD anymore. I didn’t realize it until weeks/months passed and i was like “oh wow those thoughts aren’t here anymore. I feel so happy. So free.” and even if a thought popped up, it quickly went away, i didn’t even remember them However, the recent Lindsey Clancy case has made me get harm OCD thoughts for the first time (I never dealt with that theme before), which sucks when it’s about a loved one that you obviously don’t want to harm. I recently watched the treatmyocd YT video regarding this and I feel much better Also, I don’t have these anymore (they lasted me like 3-5 days) of very disturbing graphic imagery of myself, but i think it was because my country and others have recently gone through horrible earthquakes that left a lot of people dead/missing parts/etc. I was doing so well. Idk why this relapse happened (even of certain thoughts I had already overcome). That makes me sad. Any tips? Thank you 🩷 I hope everyone’s doing well

It has been 6 weeks since my first session. My quality of life score has gone from a 36 to a 71. - If you are on the fence about beginning therapy, i cannot recommend it enough !

I feel like I deserve hell for this. I told a recent ex of mine that I would stop going out with other guys and etc. In hopes we could make it work.. but I saw a different ex at work, and for some reason felt kind of way, so I gave him a little bit of like a look to see if he would reciprocate the look back. I genuinely feel like I committed a war crime.. like nothing I do will make me not feel guilty. Me and the ex from the beginning are currently not in contact but I agree to not do anything with any other guy. I literally can’t stop feeling bad. It’s been over 24 hours. I feel like I have to confess that to him. What do I do? I know it was just a look, but it meant something. I’m not going to be in contact with the recent ex for a while, but I feel like once I am, I’ll have to tell him and he’ll be extremely upset.

Ive been dealing with OCD since I was 13 years old, for the longest time it was centered around rituals and counting, fears of death- things like that. I never realized I had ocd in my past relationships because I thought it was just basic anxiety, and it wasn't until I started a new relationship that rocd REALLY kicked in. It started because of a mistake I made very early on, which led to doubts, false attraction, and more.. I didn't know what it was at first, but once I did I was able to start going to therapy for it. I really love my boyfriend- he's funny, he always says the most outlandish things that make me giggle, even over text.. Seeing his smile warms my heart, I miss him constantly, I long to do boring things with him, I am attracted to him physically and sexually, and allllllll those lovey dovey things. But even despite these feelings I somehow still doubt my love for him.. I've spent countless amounts of hours feeling as if he wasn't for me, that I didn't love him enough, that there was someone better, that I forced myself to have feelings, and more... And it's especially frustrating because I HAVE genuinely tried to force feelings with someone in the past and my brain simply couldn't even register and absorb it at all, so I'm like ok well... I know how THAT feels, but this feels different And its like I know I love my boyfriend but the doubts wont go away. It's especially weird when ocd switches themes to cheating ocd or false attraction ocd and all of a sudden my feelings come rushing back and I feel ok again... But once I got over that hurdle it was back to feeling numb and confused. This morning I had a sense of false certainty and instrusive thoughts that told me it was over.. It was difficult to handle, and I've spent nearly the whole day shaking and crying in bed. I keep trying to be comfortable with uncertainty, but I honestly can't because each time I accept uncertainty and feel my anxiety ease, my ocd says "hey well because youre not feeling anxious anymore that MUST mean its all true then".. I can't stop crying at the thought of losing him. I can't even imagine my life without him or with any other person- everytime I see a video relating to love I think about him, thinking about our future comes easy. But it's like my mind has convinced me it's already over. When I see something that reminds me of him I start to cry and feel a deep sense of pain. When I think of him and our memories I cry again. Does anyone have any advice? It's so hard to deal with especially because I feel like deep down I know I love him, but also at the same time OCD tells me that I don't... The only way I know how to help myself is being around him. Its the only way my mind shuts off... Then once he's away all the doubts come back. I just need help... I hate dealing with this.

I just keep remembering more and more awful things I’ve done. Why are there so many?! I was just mean and rude for no reason and I wish more than anything that I could take it all back. I feel like no one on earth has messed up as much as I have. Why have I done the things I’ve done? I know that I’ve done good things too, but I can’t remember them because my brain will always throw my worst actions in my face. I was such a rude middle schooler and I had multiple circumstances in high school that I could have gone about much better. I was even rude to someone in front of my entire class over something I believe is a misunderstanding now given the people I was surrounding myself with. I’ve made people cry before, how can I live with myself knowing that I’ve hurt other people’s feelings for absolutely no reason at all? All I want is to start over and I hate that there’s nothing that I can do other than drown in my well deserved guilt and be better moving forward, I want more than that. I want to undo it all, I want to be kind from the beginning. Why did it take me so many years of malice to become good? Everyone else had it figured out sooner. I’m such a bad person and I feel like an enormous coward.

Ive been dealing with OCD since I was 13 years old, for the longest time it was centered around rituals and counting, fears of death- things like that. I never realized I had ocd in my past relationships because I thought it was just basic anxiety, and it wasn't until I started a new relationship that rocd REALLY kicked in. It started because of a mistake I made very early on, which led to doubts, false attraction, and more.. I didn't know what it was at first, but once I did I was able to start going to therapy for it. I really love my boyfriend- he's funny, he always says the most outlandish things that make me giggle, even over text.. Seeing his smile warms my heart, I miss him constantly, I long to do boring things with him, I am attracted to him physically and sexually, and allllllll those lovey dovey things. But even despite these feelings I somehow still doubt my love for him.. I've spent countless amounts of hours feeling as if he wasn't for me, that I didn't love him enough, that there was someone better, that I forced myself to have feelings, and more... And it's especially frustrating because I HAVE genuinely tried to force feelings with someone in the past and my brain simply couldn't even register and absorb it at all, so I'm like ok well... I know how THAT feels, but this feels different And its like I know I love my boyfriend but the doubts wont go away. It's especially weird when ocd switches themes to cheating ocd or false attraction ocd and all of a sudden my feelings come rushing back and I feel ok again... But once I got over that hurdle it was back to feeling numb and confused. This morning I had a sense of false certainty and instrusive thoughts that told me it was over.. It was difficult to handle, and I've spent nearly the whole day shaking and crying in bed. I keep trying to be comfortable with uncertainty, but I honestly can't because each time I accept uncertainty and feel my anxiety ease, my ocd says "hey well because youre not feeling anxious anymore that MUST mean its all true then".. I can't stop crying at the thought of losing him. I can't even imagine my life without him or with any other person- everytime I see a video relating to love I think about him, thinking about our future comes easy. But it's like my mind has convinced me it's already over. When I see something that reminds me of him I start to cry and feel a deep sense of pain. When I think of him and our memories I cry again. Does anyone have any advice? It's so hard to deal with especially because I feel like deep down I know I love him, but also at the same time OCD tells me that I don't... The only way I know how to help myself is being around him. Its the only way my mind shuts off... Then once he's away all the doubts come back. I just need help... I hate dealing with this.

sexual topics!!!!!!!!! need tips for self-soothing and regulating rocd thoughts before going to the internet and partner for reassurance. hi! i’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now, and recently discovered that i’ve had rocd habits for a while now, specifically relating to porn usage and other sexual things. i grew up very sheltered, ive never watched porn and don’t plan on it, and i don’t masterbate or feel the need to. when me and my boyfriend were first dating, i avoided the subject as much as i can. i briefly mentioned that i thought porn was cheating, and my boyfriend agreed. however, i knew that he was somewhat addicted to it due to the dopamine release it gave, but i wasn’t an open space for him to talk about it to me. i was pretty inexperienced and scared of doing intimate things, i wanted to take our relationship slow and not have sex until around our 1 year (i was a senior in hs and my bf is a year older). one very important thing to note is that we did not start making eachother finish until around 11 months into the relationship. a bit after our 1 year, i finally brought the topic of masterbating up, expecting him to say that he did in our relationship. i wouldn’t have expected him not to, because i was not bringing him there myself. at first he said no, but i told him he could be honest with me and we had a long talk about it. he admitted that he looked it up one time after a hard day, and felt so much guilt after. he then told me that when scrolling on twitter, he fell back into the habit 2 separate times. i was originally fine with it, but then the hurt started to roll in and we had a very open and honest talk about everything. he said the last time was 3 months prior, again before we were making eachother finish. i took the night to myself to think over everything, and called him. i was insanely anxious, he cried, we worked it out and set some real boundaries in place, not just a passing comment. i told him that i didn’t care if he masterbated, but it had to be either to nothing or to me. porn would not be involved in any way, i also asked him to delete twitter and he immediately did and has never redownloaded. since then, i took the time to recover, but would still have thoughts of things. it started to feed into bad feelings about attractive people in video games, which is something ive never been insecure about before. once again, i had an emotional conversation with him where he validated my feelings and i felt completely fine. i still get the same way about nudity or celebrity crushes and stuff, and it doesn’t feel like me! i hate it. i also have thoughts like why does this matter? i know this man would never cheat on me ever, and ill never do it to him. it was never about me, but his own experience and situations that led him there. of course i wish he had told me, but he was so embarrassed and ashamed and i shut the topic out of my life before this. also, my parents have been together since high school and i know that my dad has tendencies to have weird stuff on his phone (from snooping as a naive kid), but i have never thought that he loved my mom any less or would ever cheat on her. so why do i care? the other day, it got so bad that i was overthinking about weird ads on tiktok shop that i know he has never looked at or interacted with, but they’re there because tiktok is weird. i then fed into a compulsion and started going through his following, where i found some weird accounts from BEFORE we were together. i have been on this man’s phone scrolling for hours at a time and have never ever once seen a thirst trap or weird ad in the year and some change that we have been together. his entire for you page is edits of video games and anime’s that he loves. i looked it up and found that it’s common for tiktok shop to recommend this to people no matter what they’re interested in, which tbf i get weird ads too. anyways, i was experiencing ocd in a way that i haven’t in a long time. i knew it was ocd because even after all of this healing, random terrible thoughts came up and made me so nauseous and anxious. i called him and asked if he was following any accounts that i wouldn’t like (he follows like 3k people since being on tiktok for years and has never cleared it out) he immediately said “i can go through my entire list and see, do you want me to?” without me even asking. he then spent the next hour getting rid of accounts that were there before we were dating (and other random people he didn’t want to follow anymore) and swearing up and down that he never interacted with them once, which i believe. tiktok was never ever an issue in any circumstance, so why was my brain thinking that it was? why was i perfectly fine, and then suddenly had the worst thought known to man about things i know he doesn’t think or do? why do i feel this way when im alone, but the second im texting, calling, or with him in person, it all goes away? i did a deep dive into rocd and i had never felt so seen. this man understands me like nobody else does, we were friends for about 2 years before dating and liked eachother for like 8 months before wanting to admit it. he yearns for me, cries over me, and loves me like something i’ve never seen before. i trust him so much, i know that he will never do this to me again. he is a very emotional man, and i have also told him if something happens again, we would be over. last night, after researching, i had a long talk with him about rocd and explaining that it’s not him, it’s my brain. my brain comes up with all of these bad thoughts, and i come to him for reassurance to soothe them which i know is bad. when im alone, i suddenly think that he is a villain and every single unread text message is a weapon against me. i start thinking bad thoughts about him that will immediately go away the second i see his face. i hate this. i used to struggle badly with existential ocd in middle school, and i have gotten really good at self-soothing and handling it myself. i know that this rocd is something that will take time to get good at handling, just like that once did. i tried to self-soothe the thoughts today, but i literally just called him in the middle of writing this for him to swear up and down to me again. i hate doing it to him and bringing up the topic, even when he reassures me he will say it as many times as i possibly need. this stuff is new to him, and it can’t be easy for him either. i also decided last night to sign up for my college’s counseling (i move in to start my freshman year in a week) so im excited to be taking further steps! i have also been collecting a folder of tools on tiktok with people that are going through similar things. i just feel like the self-soothing thing isnt working for me yet, as i keep finding myself searching on here or on reddit for people going through similar things so i can tell myself im not crazy and it will work out and its all fine. i just dont know what else to do! what usually would work for me is taking myself out of the situation and going to see my friends, but unfortunately they are all gone right now and moving into their own colleges so its especially hard. i’m so sorry this is insanely long but if anyone has any tips for self-soothing and regulating your own mind in rocd before going to your partner or the internet for reassurance i would love to write them down!!!

I went to a fast food place where my boyfriend works and I was actually excited to see him because I missed him, but while I was in the car I started overthinking because I got that sensation down there again that I started labeling as sexual. I imagined seeing him and kept thinking about the feeling, but once we got there it went away. Then I saw my boyfriend and we smiled at each other and that certain feeling I associate with him came back, and I felt happy. I kept looking over at him, but then I noticed I wasn’t feeling the excitement I usually expect to feel, so I started checking myself and wondering if I was actually happy or if I was feeling the right thing. I smiled really big when he looked at me, but afterward I couldn’t remember exactly what I felt and that made me anxious. On the way to a grocery store I suddenly thought, “I think I do like girls,” and I felt like I wanted to cry, and then I got that sensation down there again and didn’t know why. I didn’t test myself with girls, but I still felt anxious in my chest. I eventually felt okay again. I also got hand wipes and thought I should get two for me and my boyfriend , and I felt anxious for a moment but then felt okay. Later I started thinking about how I want to buy my boyfriend a shirt, and I said I wanted to get him one but didn’t feel anything noticeable, which confused me. I started wondering why I can want to do something for him but not feel the emotion in my body. I also looked back at pictures of him and remembered moments from when we were together, including hearing him say “baby,” and that brought back the certain feeling again. It felt like I was visiting a dream or going back into a familiar emotional state from when we were together, where I felt very clingy and affectionate toward him, and I felt emotional enough that I wanted to cry. Then I started worrying that calling him by his name instead of “my boyfriend” meant something or meant I was going to break up with him, which made me anxious. Later I was looking at Awkwafina posts and got another certain feeling with a thought like “you like girls” and “figure yourself out,” followed by a rush of adrenaline and anxiety. My brain then made it feel like the rush was proof of something when I felt this empty bland feeling , and I started wondering if I had figured myself out. After that I thought about my boyfriend again and got worried about what that meant. Then I saw another girl doing a pretty pose and got a different certain feeling that felt more like a rush of adrenaline , followed by light anxiety. I wondered if I was accepting something, and then I saw a loveydovey video that I wanted to send to Erick while the anxious feeling was still there. At one point I tried testing the feeling with a girl and got another certain feeling with high anxiety, then it went away and I checked to see if it was still there. Now I feel like the adrenaline came back, but instead of feeling it mainly in my heart, I can feel anxiety more throughout the outside of my body. Overall, I’m really confused because the sensations keep changing and sometimes feel new, and my brain keeps making them feel like they are proving something about my feelings even though I don’t know what they actually mean.

1.... I think the most annoying thing with OCD is when I have to check something, if it doesn't feel right I have to wait 5 minutes and do it again. But then it still won't feel right, and then it's just so annoying because you feel like you have to check it. It's like you're stuck in this really annoying spiral where you have to check it but every time you do it doesn't feel right, but at the same time you have this panic in your head where you need to do it. 2.... So I'm using speech to text, so if there's any issues it's just because of that. I hope it's not a big deal cuz sometimes it can make me say some dumb stuff lmao. But I had spoke with my therapist yesterday, and to put it in very simple terms my OCD unfortunately grabs onto things that obviously mean a lot to me. I know that's really everyone, but I've mentioned before about how I like to collect music and ever since I was a kid I would do that. I liked collecting stuff digitally just because it's a satisfying thing to do, and at this point Spotify and other companies are just horrible anyway LMAO But I become so scrutinizing and not only that but I'd also get very very I guess pure? Whenever I started myself ship I had only done it when I felt like it was the right time, if I had a horrible taboo thought I couldn't do what I needed. Thankfully now it's gone a bit better, but it doesn't change the fact that I still get these uncomfortable intrusive thoughts that will make or break my day. I kid you not there was a time where I had to react properly to my OCD or else I couldn't do what I wanted until tomorrow... It's unfortunate that it had gotten that bad. And I'm still dealing with it, and honestly when I spoke with my therapist about my music thing I honestly just decided to put it on the side. Because I didn't even want to do it anymore because my OCD really messed with it. I had started back in May and had about 600 things in my storage, only to delete all because my OCD was so bad. I had tried again but trying to get back all that stuff, it just felt like a chore and I hated that! Obviously I wanted to feel like I was just having fun as I would. I still don't know how I could ever become normal because it's just gotten so bad, I don't know exactly where to start when it comes to OCD being annoying. Because between you and I I'll do weird compulsions like putting my screen in sleep mode so I don't have to see my wallpaper... Because I feel weird seeing my favorite characters watch me sleep LMAO At the end of the day it really does suck, and it is nice to know that there are other people that have this disorder and also like what I like. And again if I ever do make that server I really want it to be a safe space because it's a horrible disorder. It absolutely is, and I only share it if the mod is okay with it because I did mention it to them and they also do have OCD I believe. I never ever saw a server that had both and it be what that server is about mainly, and I'd love to do that someday. Sorry for the wall of text, but I hope you got what I meant

what medication has helped your OCD the most?

im really struggling with being without my phone because i have to be alone with my thoughts and they just feel rampant full of fear and discomfort whenever i dont have an activity to distract me. i know this is horrible but im not sure how to get out. i know the only way to get out of this is to face the discomfort and build tolerance by slowly being on my phone less and less, but im having so much trouble building up the courage to do so and taking the plunge just wanted to know if anybody's fallen in this hole of feeling like you need to be constantly preoccupied so that you dont ruminate on thoughts and managed to escape and defeat this compulsion to avoid discomfort. or if you're struggling with it right now, how are you feeling? it'd be nice to know i'm not alone i feel bad because my OCD is around Christianity/God and it only makes me feel worse by making me feel like im avoiding God intentionally

I keep telling myself I’m not alone in my intrusive thoughts. Other People also have intrusive thoughts. Mine tonight are acting up again and I feel genuinely disgusted. but I keep telling myself: YOURE NOT GONNA RUIN MY LIFE intrusive thoughts!! because they represent my fear and anxiety like what if I’m this or that or what if I secretly this or that!! Shut up intrusive thoughts. Listen. All of you, I have them too. inappropriate ones too, and I know that’s not what I want. so I’m telling u too! Let’s all come together and agree we ARENT ALONE in this (please cuz I lowkey need it hear it 😓)

I’m spiraling so bad I need some advice. I’m sorry it’s a little long 🥲💔💔💔 I have an ex Liam I’ve been trying to get back together with. In the midst of our chaos and fights and makeups I’ve noticed my ex Austin a LOT. I don’t even care to not name drop anymore I’m so sick of it. Austin and I had a civil breakup years ago, and have been well acquainted since. I started wondering about Austin as if he’s a safe zone, like something I can fantasize about instead of being in the chaos. But I started wondering, do I want to be with him??? Why do I feel like if he asked me out I’d definitely say yes? I even gave him a sort of look at work to see if he felt a vibe and that’s why he was looking or if I was just completely wrong (which I’m very okay with). He has a girlfriend he apparently really doesn’t like and for some reason I keep fantasizing about him leaving her for me but I don’t do ANYTHING to act on it besides that look to see if I was just going crazy. But now I’m so worried because Liam found out about this when it first happened and laughed in my face and ridiculed me, saying have a nice life with him even after I explained it was probably OCD. I know I shouldn’t get back with Liam but in the event I do, I feel horrible about this Austin thing. What do I do??? Is it really just the “safe zone” I think it is?? I told Liam I wouldn’t do anything “weird” anymore and get better in the slightest sliver of hope he’s given me that we’ll get back together, but in all the chaos I chose to give that look and my guilt is horrendous

18+ only OCD making me check my photos again for no reason and got triggered by random photos of someone I used to be friends with in a judo gi and jeans and wearing the hat they always wore and they'd be 17 in the photos and of course there's nothing inappropriate in the slightest but I feel like I should delete it and saw more photos with me and friends and will delete them and they're not at all bad of course, just like a photo of me at the gym with some friends or at the kebab shop or the judo thing. OCD twisting me making a Baldur's Gate character with hair like Rogue from X Men and I'm so scared it's inappropriate even though I'm fairly certain I barely played the character and maybe didn't even create them and I think I just liked the hair style. Had to delete normal drawing of Batman and Robin because I'm scared the artist is a bad person. Had to delete tweet screenshot I thought was funny because I think the person's bad. Had Hal Jordan Green Lantern transformation thing in videos and remember someone making a joke about it looking like a magical girl transformation and scared it's a bad reference and need to delete it. Triggered by Olivia Rodrigo with a penguin in my photos and I only saved it because the penguins cute so I cut/cropped her out of it. Worried about someone's pfp in screenshot of joke tweet and zoomed in and it's fine, just some random character with big arms. Happened again and I zoomed in and it's just a tweet about a cat appearing when they made lasagne with someone quote tweeting it with "He's real!" but I'm really scared they're a bad person and they're pfp is just the face of some random character and I need to delete it to be safe. Had to delete joke screenshot of tweet talking about The Thing's... thing. Got really scared someone's Spider-Man pfp with anime character is bad and deleted it to be safe even though it's entirely fine. Scared about someone's pfp in screenshot of cat just sitting in the microwave and it's just of character smoking cigarette and like I need to delete it to be safe. OCD being weird about stick figure joke drawing of I think n*ked woman friend sent me on Instagram and trying to say it's bad. Triggered by comic panel of Bruce Wayne as a kid and then Dick Grayson as a kid and juxtaposing Alfred's reaction to them both saying they're all alone now and was peeing or had just finished peeing and was trying to poop and OCD's messing with. OCD putting sh*t in my head. Triggered by DM's I sent someone about someone they followed being horrific and them being really mean and awful in response and then I started to doubt myself and even f*cking apologised to them before coming to my senses. Triggered by screenshots I took of someone I thought was safe to prove to myself that they said things that would've made me think exactly that so OCD couldn't mess with me and I keep saying stop it to OCD being awful. Wondering if I'm overreacting about the people's pfp's because they're all normal but just scared they're bad people because they're drawn/animated and assuming the worst about them.

I wanna be with my boyfriend. But I keep thinking I'm a lesbian. I know I prefer men but I've thoughts about being with women that i sometimes even like and it scares me. I know I'm probably bi and I know I've been attracted to men all my life and that I've a preference for men. But I feel numb, disconnected and like a liar..cheater because I keep thinking I wanna get intimate with everyone and feelings for everyone (even friends which makes me feel like I'm cheating for even talking to them) Has someone dealt with this before?

Basically,, I was out with my friend and she mentioned something to me about like she just brought it up while we were waiting for our food and she said like oh do you know if it’s normal if sometimes like I remember something that happened years ago or a year ago, and I don’t know if I dreamt it or not and she was trying to ask like does she have any problems and I kinda I didn’t get mad at her. But I got mad in my head because you know as someone who has false memory OCD I was like is she trying to claim to have it because I know sometimes she did make comments like that she has OCD in a laughing way and that annoyed me and now I wanna bring it up to her again and say like what you said like it’s normal to not remember something like you don’t have any illnesses but at the same time I think she already forgot and I don’t wanna bring it up again, so what should I do by again? I cannot let it now. I cannot just let it rest because like I need her to know I hate when she like tries to claim to have something which I struggle with.

Today was a good day. I am on a long overdue paid work leave and that has soften my nerves considerably. Working a 9-5 with mental illness is truly exhausting for me and I am wondering how other people can have a family, work, and have a social life... then it downed on me they are probably not spending 4 hours a day worrying to the point of being housebound, they allow themselves to be imperfect, they accept their emotions and discomfort, they try not to judge their hard days as life defining events... they allow themselves to be human, wrong, scared, anxious, sad, look silly. I want to be like that! And I've been thinking recently, what the hell is stopping me from trying again and again even if it SUCKS, other than myself ?(apart from this concoction of brain structure, genetics, life experiences ofc) I was told by a psychologist in an ED unit in the past that I have a hard time accepting my emotions and she seemed concerned for me and urged me to get proper help for my OCD since they couldn't treat me as she didn't think I had an ED but that my OCD was affecting my eating. She told me to uncover the why behind it (possible trauma or just biology). That was when I had a small wake up call that: 1) I can suffer through waiting times in my country's public mental health care system therefore I am not even that weak 2) My healing would start as easily as simply allowing my emotions to be felt without judgement eventually 3) I have been asking the wrong questions and getting treatement that wasn't helping my ocd and social struggles much but did some wonders for my depression at the time since my therapist was kind and accepting but didn't challenge me enough with the behavioral therapy approach 4) It planted the seed that maybe I do deserve to take up some space and that a lot more is in my power than I used to think (this one was key to start questioning myself and feeling how uncomfortable and distressing every question was) So that brings me away from my fantasy world and in today where I got to get in touch with my child self by petting and feeding the neighborhood cats that are chilling in our yard. I realized I have barely touched them out of disgust and anxiety even though I used to be obsessed with animals, especially cats and dogs. I have been losing parts of what I used to enjoy, trying to fit in with work life and the usual life stressors that inevitably come up. OCD has been shrinking my life in ways that make me blind to it's grip. I can't remember even if my contamination fear was that bad a week ago. I hadn't even named the theme as contamination until I had time to rest a bit from work and daily commutes and panic. Anyway, I am so glad I did all these things that made me super uncomfortable and touched stray cats without freaking out completely at the time. That's all. 🔸️🔸️🔸️ I am looking for any lighthearted comedy film recommendations today. 🎥 I played a video game after months today and it was an interesting experience. The game is called 'The Stillness of Life' on my Switch. It's point and click game about an old woman named Talma who lives in a farm away from the big city. She takes care of her crops and farm animals, she gets tired if she is not fed, she gets letters from her family, she walks slowly, she takes life day by day. 🐐🐓🐣🌱👵 I wonder where this game is going. I recommend this game so much right now.

I’m watching Lightyear and something in the movie triggered a moral-scrupulosity loop for me. There’s a really sweet storyline involving Buzz’s friend, who falls in love with a woman, gets engaged, gets married, has a child, and grows old with her family. It struck me because it reminded me of an uncomfortable conversation I had with a colleague some time ago. My colleague was complaining about gay and trans people and about children supposedly being “taught to be gay" by LGBTQIA + teachers. I disagreed with her, but I also desperately wanted the conversation to end because we were at work and I didn’t want to have a political/religious argument with a colleague. The problem is that she can be extremely relentless in conversations. Even when I try to politely disagree or I stay silent she keeps going. I’ve had similar experiences with her making comments about foreigners, vegans, other religions, etc. During the conversation about LGBTQIA+ people, I tried to explain that when I was growing up, there were children’s books that introduced kids to different kinds of families and circumstances — divorce, single-parent households, different backgrounds, etc. My point was basically that children learning that people live differently doesn’t somehow change who the child is. It can simply teach them that different people and families exist. Also it can make LGBTQIA+ kids feel free when the time comes in their teens that we start liking people romantically. But because I was speaking spontaneously and trying to get out of an uncomfortable conversation, I muddled my explanation. I know that there's a strong chance that in my muddled speech I could've lied by omission or confusion that I read books on gay parenting as a child. Ever since then, my OCD has latched onto the possibility that my muddled explanation may have made it sound as though I personally remembered reading children’s books about gay parents when I was young. Now my OCD keeps saying: I (accidentally) made it sound like I personally saw children’s books about two mothers when I was young? she interpreted me that way? I didn’t correct that possible misunderstanding, thus I was lying by omission? Should I go back and clarify exactly what I meant months later? There’s another layer too. I sometimes feel enormous guilt if I don’t defend my actual political or moral beliefs “correctly.” I start thinking I’ve been a bad ally, that people will assume I agree with prejudiced views, or that some imaginary audience is going to expose or “cancel” me for not saying exactly the right thing. Watching Lightyear made me think, “THIS is what I was trying to explain.” The storyline isn’t sexual like my colleague was implying children book stories on the LGBTQIA+. It’s basically: she fell in love, got engaged, married, had a family. The exact same storyline could have been written for a heterosexual couple. Children simply see that another kind of family exists. And immediately my OCD turned that realization into: "youre a liar (even if it was due to confusion)! You arent moral at all. You let someone misunderstand you." On the day of the chat with the colleague I spoke to chatgpt about the incident & was advised not to reopen the conversation just to obtain certainty or morally “clean up” everything I said. So I tried to sit with it. Now it pops up again during this film months later and OCD wants the case reopened. Does anyone else with moral scrupulosity get this urge to revisit conversations or (possible) mistakes and make sure you were completely accurate, morally consistent, and impossible to misunderstand? Or feel bad when there was a misunderstanding liar. It feels like OCD turns every imperfect conversation into a courtroom transcript.