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the NOCD Community

Howdy, all. I’m new here, just started with NOCD about 4 weeks ago. We’ve been doing ERP for about the last 5 or so sessions. So far ERP has been going well, though taking some to get adjusted to. I spent so many years with a generalized therapist doing talk therapy, so it’s been a little off putting going through ERP where I talk a ton about obsessions and compulsions and the point is to just sit with it. In any case, my most recent session triggered me pretty bad. I’ve been with my wife for 14 years, married for 8 of those years. We have a really great relationship, I can’t imagine my life without her. For a big chunk of our relationship, I’ve had a recurring obsession that I was in love with or currently in love with a mutual friend of ours. This mutual friend and I no longer talk anymore (which, of course, my OCD uses as evidence as that I did or do love her because she’s the one that got away or whatever my OCD comes up with). We were really good friends, would text almost every day, and just generally enjoyed each other’s company, all of which my OCD also uses as evidence against me. Nothing even close to romantic happened between us(although that doesn’t stop me from ruminating over every interaction we ever had and trying to determine if I ever did anything untoward or would be considered as cheating!). I always treated her as friend and always saw her as a friend. In any case, this has led to years of me toiling over the obsession of “was I in love with her?” Or “am I in love with her now?” Rather than being in the moment and enjoying time with my incredible wife. The obsessive thoughts come and go in terms of severity. Sometimes I can go months, maybe even a whole year not thinking about it; other times it’s near constant. Lately it’s been pretty bad. Part of that i am guessing is ERP since it’s stirring up a lot. This most recent session had us looking at and reading Reddit posts about love triangles. I was obsessing prior to the session about the thought described above, and the exposure just made me fixate anymore. My session was yesterday, and I haven’t really been able to stop obsessing over it since. Although, to give myself credit, I haven’t engaged in compulsions, as far as I know. So that’s something! It’s just the absurd amount of dread and horrible feeling that comes with OCD that makes everything so hard. Anyway, this post got way too long. If you read this far, thank you. Not expecting any replies, just feeling on the verge of doing a compulsion so I thought I’d vent. Maybe this is a compulsion. Who knows!

Do u guys think deleting social media would help with this issue? I find triggering videos that brings up past events and then I start spiraling out…. Bringing shame n guilt

Currently going through one of the hardest times of my life. I’ve had ocd most of my life but had my first trigger around 2 years ago. I’ve been doing good since then was even able to get myself off my Prozac. Well I lost my job that I worked at for 6 years and this is new to me. And it’s started to make me experience hyper vigilance derealization and disassociation I’m back on my medicine have been for a week a 1 day. What can I do to make it easier. Anything helps please. I have a therapist as well.

I have a compulsion of checking my Apple Watch ECG repeatedly. Often times it’s squiggly or inconclusive, it’s even said afib but my cardiologist said it was sinus Arrythmia and gave me another heart monitor. I’ve checked it about 2,000 times. Every time it’s not 100% normal I instinctively call 911. Emergency services and the hospital are absolutely sick of me. How do I prevent myself from instinctively calling, especially during a panic attack where it feels like I’m having an emergency? Has anyone else had this issue? Edit: wanted to note my mom has taken my Apple Watch for now and only lets me check occasionally, but I’m not sure if this is the right first step

I just started on my ROCD journey. My main issues is comparing my partner to other men, finding faults, and blaming myself constantly for being a bad partner because of these thoughts. He has been supportive through it all. Some brief explanation- he is very much so a “I don’t ask for help” kind of person. He has his own demons and I finally convinced him to talk to someone, even just a friend about them. One of his demons is he does not want to be a financial burden. He is not good with finances and I am. He has been managing his debt whilst trying to pay for a ring to propose to me. Yesterday he asked me for help, and I spiraled a bit. I’m terrified of financial insecurity and I also have previous trauma from letting family borrow 40k for a car. My immediate response was just “I’m scared”. His pride slammed the door on him and he backtracked immediately, apologizing and saying he would handle things. He threw up twice at work from anxiety and his own spiraling and was sent home. He thought I was going to break up with him. And to be honest, I did to for a little bit there. We met last night where I had him print all his statements from the last 3 months out and let me have full control over looking through it all. God I love this man, but he has a small spending addiction. There would be times he spent almost 600$ in just 15 days on eating out, energy drinks and… ai stories… I don’t even know about that one to be honest. I laid it out to him fully. He’s around 9k in “bad debt”. If he only pays minimums it takes 23 years. At the start of this conversation he really seemed to get it fully. But as we went on for hours through his statements, he just started laughing at his own purchases. I felt a bit put off but also I think he will fix his behaviors. We set a game plan in motion and I’ll be holding him accountable by sitting down and going through statements every month. Ring is on hold, because I cannot say yes anyways to someone who has not changed their behaviors. That’s a long explanations I suppose. Currently I feel good, I feel like there’s a plan and I feel like I’m keeping ROCD separate from this financial issue. But I also know that once something else inevitably pops up and I start to spiral, I’ll use the financial issues as another jab. I’m just not sure how to be a supportive partner when I also need support in some ways.

My boyfriend was in a long term relationship before we met, and my boyfriend was my first serious relationship I’ve been in. He was also my first sexual partner. We’ve been dating for almost three years now, and I honestly don’t feel much retroactive jealousy when it comes to his ex (romantically), but I do get very uncomfortable feelings when I have intrusive thoughts about their sex life. I know this is because there is sexual experience asymmetry in our relationship. The thing is, I think the uncomfortable feelings his sexual past brings up are less about jealousy, and more so painful feelings of regret that I have about not having more sexual experiences before meeting my boyfriend. I get so upset that I have to deal with these uncomfortable feelings, yet my boyfriend never has to (both me and his last partner were in their first relationship). With my OCD, I struggle a lot with beating myself up and obsession over regret within my own life. Does anyone have advice about getting over regret?

I am so sick of hearing “they never go away you just learn to manage them better” but how can I be expected to ever be happy again when this is what’s in my head? Yes I get that they become less important but still I cannot just accept that I’ll think of this forever and i absolutely hate that fact that it’s most likely the reality. But I don’t quite understand how life before OCD I was “normal” and didn’t have bizarre thoughts all day only sometimes and why I cannot be that way again? Like if I’m re-wiring my brain then can’t it return back to normal? I just can’t accept a life like this I DO NOT want to think like this all day for the rest of my life and only get maybe a month break from having thoughts but it comes back. I may as well leave what is the point in fighting for a life that will never bring me happiness only frustration I don’t want it even if I get “better” cause that better is not better to me.

Hey guys. I have borderline and PURE OCD comorbidity. However I kinda managing my life well, I'm also becoming a psychologist. I've been in schema therapy for 2 years now. Helped me a lot with my relationships and BPD, but when it comes to OCD... My therapist says OCD is just one of my schema modes, and healing BPD will make OCD symptoms more tolerable. But it's not true. We finished therapy now but my OCD just got worse from all the analyzing and I learned here that "there is another explanation always, and you can never be sure you interpret things the right way". When I complained her about not doing ERP, it's pretty visible she doesn't really believe it would work for me, or just asked me to write down my obsessional thoughts 100 times a day. I'm super confused cause she's one of the bests in the country, made a lot of research about OCD, she's a CBT therapist and also a schema therapist so she should know... And still, here I am, freaked out from all the analyzing. And she just tells me to get back on my meds again and manage my emotions with some meditation. But I don't wanna get back on meds, I wanted HELP with how to handle OCD. This is super confusing for me. If she's one of the bests therapist, qualified of CBT, and schema therapy is the newest method and it says OCD is just one of my modes... Than why do I feel that something is wrong here? I would be so happy if a professional could also give me a reason 'cause I don't get it.

Im already diagnosed with ADHD and Autism. I’m wondering if I have any other undiagnosed issues? I need help understanding whether what I’m experiencing could be relationship focused OCD, because I’ve realized this isn’t just normal relationship insecurity for me. When I become attached to a man, especially when I really care about him, I become terrified that he’s going to leave me or stop loving me, and the fear can become completely consuming. It feels like my own thoughts become these dark phantoms surrounding me and telling me every possible thing I’m afraid of: “He’s tired of you. You’re too much. You’re pushing him away. You’re a burden. He’s talking to other women. He doesn’t actually love you. He’s going to leave. He’s gonna start hating you. No man will ever choose you or love you when you’re like this.” The thoughts can feel incredibly real when they’re happening, even though another part of me knows I don’t actually have evidence for them. The biggest problem is that I cannot tolerate not knowing. If something feels even slightly different, a text is shorter, he doesn’t respond when I expect him to, a call ends differently, I don’t know what he’s doing, my brain immediately interprets the uncertainty as evidence that something is wrong. Then I feel an overwhelming need to figure out what happened. I ask for reassurance, call, text, analyze wording, analyze behavior, and try to figure out whether he’s pulling away. The worst part is that reassurance doesn’t actually solve it. He can tell me “nothing’s wrong” and I’ll feel relieved for a moment, but then my brain immediately creates another loophole: “What if he’s lying? What if nothing was wrong then but something is wrong now because I mentioned that I feel that something is wrong? What if he’s secretly annoyed that I need reassurance? What if I pushed him away by asking? What if he’s tired of me and second guessing about me? And then I’m right back in the cycle and still stuck in it. I’m currently in a talking stage with a man who has actually been treating me well, and that has made me realize something really important: even when a man gives me reasons to feel safe, the fear doesn’t necessarily disappear. It still amplifies. My brain just finds another uncertainty. I’m starting to realize that this isn’t something another person can simply reassure out of me. I’ve had painful relationship experiences before, including a relationship that lasted about a year and a half and ended very suddenly, and then another relationship that was on and off for about six months where there was cheating, manipulation, narcissism, abandonment, etc. I think those experiences may have made abandonment feel catastrophic to me, but I don’t want to keep living this way. I don’t want to constantly monitor a man I love, seek reassurance, worry that I’m pushing him away, and then become terrified that my anxiety itself will cause him to leave. I want to learn how to have a healthy relationship without needing constant certainty that I’m safe. I’m wondering whether this could be OCD, possibly relationship focused OCD, or another anxiety/attachment related issue. I don’t want to diagnose myself, but I’m just wondering. I also want an actual professional evaluation at some point and help learning what to do when the thoughts start, because knowing intellectually that I’m spiraling doesn’t make me able to stop it. I want to learn how to tolerate uncertainty without constantly checking, seeking reassurance, analyzing everything, or feeling like everything is ruined. I don’t just want reassurance that my relationship is okay. I also want treatment for whatever is making me feel like I need constant reassurance in order to feel okay in the first place. And I’ve realized that this isn’t just about one particular guy. The guy I’m talking to may be the person currently triggering it because I deeply care for him and the thought of him leaving is world ending to me, but I’m seeing that even when a man is good to me and gives me reasons to feel safe, the fear can still show up. I don’t want the man I care about to leave me because I’m struggling with this so heavily. I also don’t want to believe that I’m incapable of having a healthy relationship. I want to get professional help for the part of me that is terrified of losing someone, because I genuinely want to learn how to love a man without constantly being terrified that he’s going to leave, to the point where every single uncertainty feels like proof that he’s already leaving and then I’m spiraling and freaking out so bad that it’s unbearable. If anyone here has actually been diagnosed with OCD/ROCD, does this pattern sound familiar to your experience, and what was it like getting evaluated and treated? Is there a cure? Medication even?

Asking as this is something I've been struggling with a lot lately, but I haven't really come across anyone else with this issue. For context I'm 31 and my husband is 34. I've only come to the realization that I want kids somewhat recently; my husband also wants them but is hesitant about taking the next step, but has agreed to a TTC timeline of spring 2027. While I already have a concrete answer and logically know 6 months isn't that long, my mind cannot seem to let go of the topic and I'm having a very hard time waiting. I'm sure there's some degree of biological clock element, and I also feel embarrassed constantly due to being older. Then I'm struggling with almost feeling like anything else I do in the meantime is meaningless because there's this much larger objective that I can't actively pursue it at the moment. My husband's aware of what I'm dealing with but at the end of the day is not ready and I know I need to respect that. I'm in therapy now, ironically part of what prompted me to go was my struggle with emetophobia (fear of vomiting), to which lead to an OCD diagnosis. I feel like my phobia has drastically reduced (but still exists) and it's almost like I feel like I need to make this happen sooner rather while my phobia "allows" me to, for lack of better term. My biggest themes are contamination and existential (especially related to age, which I know is at play here), as well as some relationship themes. I'm also autistic and have ADHD and GAD.

I am feeling very overwhelmed, and I think I have been for a while. I always think that I’ll magically get better, but I never do, things never change. And I go on ignoring everything for months until I start feeling overwhelmed again. I guess I just don’t know where to start. Or maybe I do but I’m just afraid. My body feels so fragile and worn down. I want so badly to be active, but sometimes I feel like my body literally can’t handle anything I put it through. I lift 10lbs of weights and I pull something in my chest. I go for a walk and my hips, ankles and back aches. I do a set of crunches and I bruise my tailbone. It’s like no matter what I try to do to get in better shape physically, something pushes me back. It makes me feel insanely defeated and weak. OCD has played a huge part in why I can never follow through and why I feel this way. I ruminate too much on the “what ifs” rather than focusing on the potential positives. I’m constantly paranoid I’m going to injure myself, or that my heart is going to explode from over exertion. I know it’s not logical thinking, I know it’s mostly in my head, but I can’t help it, and it’s incredibly frustrating. I feel the same way about my diet as I do exercise. I want to eat healthier. I want to stop eating so many processed, fried, greasy, unhealthy things. I want to eat more veggies and fruits and whole grains and things that actually serve my body. But this feels impossible too sometimes. Not only does my OCD affect my thought processes surrounding exercise, it affects the way I eat too. I’ve really struggled with contamination OCD. I get nervous eating vegetables or fruits or dairy products or meat if they’ve been sitting open in the fridge for more than a couple days. Or if a fruit/vegetable doesn’t look or smell right. I feel uneasy about leftovers out of fear that they’re contaminated. Again, I know it’s not always logical thinking, but my brain doesn’t function off of logic. I think I’ve started to shut down in so many aspects of my life because of my fears and obsessions about different things so I gravitate towards things that feel safe, even though they aren’t always the healthy option. I’m scared of becoming complacent in my own life when I know deep down that I want to do better. I think I know deep down what I need to do to get better, but it feels so hard. I want to be the person that wakes up early, eats a healthy breakfast, does some stretching, gets their work done, goes for an evening run or walk, has a healthy dinner, and gets a good night of rest. I want to drink more water. I want to move my body. I want to not feel so exhausted all the time. I want to feel like my heart isn’t going to explode out of my chest from going up 2 flights of stairs. I want to feel strong. I want to feel healthy. I want to look healthy. I want to stop feeling so afraid and anxious all of the time. I just wish I could follow through. I wish I could stop ruminating and obsessing on the what ifs. I wish I could turn my OCD off.

Does anyone else ever imagine liking the thoughts because it’s taboo? Like I’ve felt a ‘taboo attraction’ to things before (but things that aren’t violent or gross or anything), and when I’m dissociating with these pocd thoughts, my brain gets a pit in my stomach and all I feel is anxiety, groinal response, and imagining that taboo attraction. It really scares me because it feels like ‘oh if I’m in a certain mood/mindset, I can like these thoughts’ or something. I’m trying not to do compulsions but it’s really hard. It’s just so frustrating because I know I’m only imagining that feeling because I’m only half-thinking about the pocd thoughts. Like a weird, forcibly prolonged moment of not processing my own thoughts cuz I’m out of it. And my brain doesn’t WANT to process the thought because when I do, it’s like ‘ew’ and why would I wanna think abt that. But it makes me feel so bad and scared, and then I start to genuinely believe that it’s how I feel when I’m detached from reality, and the thought itself feels so fuzzy while the ‘attraction’ feels so high and real. It feels like because I can IMAGINE feeling this way, and it feels so similar to other attraction I’ve felt, that it’s real. All I wanna do is move on, but my brain is so stuck. I’m gonna try to just… not figure it out and focus on reality & things I enjoy. But it’s so hard. Could use some advice or shared stories if anyone has any ❤️

I feel shameful for things I did in college 7 years ago. I’m getting married in two months, and want to confess to my partner things I did in college from my intimate past (before I was dating him). It’s things from my intimate past that I keep thinking “my fiance would hate knowing this about me. I can’t believe I did that) This is a horrible feeling. Should I confess? I feel like he doesn’t know the “real” me from these things…

TW if sex talk makes you uncomfortable... Yesterday was a struggle and today has been even worse... Yesterday, I noticed a huge difference in my arousal. My body isn't reacting the same or doing the things it can normally do. I had my antidepressants doubled a few months ago because I was going through a terrible time (right before DX). I've had these issues with SSRI's before so I touched base with my psychiatrist about going back to my regular dose since I feel like I am doing better mood wise. I didn't have these issues before upping my dose. She said it is "highly unlikely" that my SSRIs are affecting my sex life. I'm like jfc. Start downward spiral. I start Googling it and the medication I'm on may affect things like arousal and climax, which is what I'm experiencing. I decided to send a message back and be more specific in my concerns...but the damage was already done. Uncontrollable anxiety all day... I've felt on edge and like near a breakdown all day. I can't get it out of my head and the ROCD is in full effect. I just want to cry. The other day I was thinking how this hasn't shown it's ugly head in a while and I'm making it all up...then today was just absolutely unbearable. I got relief talking about it and legit deep cleaning my fridge. I know that's not what I'm supposed to do but there feels like there is something so fundamentally wrong with me. Am I doomed to be like this forever.

since i have a medical condition that leaves me pretty bound to my house, i spend a lot of time on the internet. because i spend a lot of time on the internet, i consume a lot of media and i’m very active in social media spaces. with every game creator or musical artist that i consume the content of, there’s always the question of if someone/something is problematic. i worry about that question a lot, and it seems like there’s nothing that isn’t problematic these days. my issue is that i’ve found myself avoiding going to research if something is problematic. if there’s a concern that something may be problematic i should be looking into it immediately, but that’s just not what i’ve been doing and it makes me feel like a bad person because of it. i’ve ignored so much drama with certain people that isn’t silly drama, it’s real crimes and frightening ideals that are mentioned. i’ve gotten to the point where me wondering if someone is problematic or recalling someone saying that a creator is problematic is so common that i can’t tend to every worry and i end up doing nothing. it’s also common that people keep doing bad things so often that everything i watch or listen to ends up having some sort of issue. i feel like i’m going to go crazy if i have nothing to spend my time on, especially since i haven’t left the house in forever… i don’t know the morally correct decision in this situation

Hey, so um, before I say anything, I’d like to say that if you get seriously triggered by mentions of abuse, do what’s best for you even if that means not reading this, your mental health matters. Anyways, idk why but over the past few months whenever I hop on sites like Instagram or Facebook for example, I get these vey graphic, violent and disturbing things that pop up on my feed as petitions to sign for to help fight injustice and cruelty. The message is good but they can get specific with what is happening like @n!mal @buse and sexu@l @ssault (I didn’t know if saying those words outright would trigger anyone so I tried), and it makes me spiral and have panic attacks with flooding intrusive thoughts, especially when it involves cruelty to animals and children. A part of me wants to block those ads entirely from my phone but my ocd is telling me that if I do that, I’m just as guilty as those awful people and turning a blind eye, so I try to not throw up after reading those things and sign the petitions. The thing is though, more and more pop up and it’s almost always worst than the last one. It’s at a point now where my family, friends and bf are worried about me and tell me not to engage but my mind won’t stop saying that may make me the equivalent of an abuser too or just a disgusting human being who doesn’t care about others if I skip whatever ad or petition pops up describing those things. Deep down I know it’s just my insecurities and fears getting to the better of me but a part of me can’t just handle this and I feel really bad about that, especially since it hurts me so much to see others suffer and I do want to help, even if it’s just a little bit. Anyone have any tips on how to handle this situation? I’m so so sorry if anyone is triggered and I wish you all an amazing and blessed day ❤️

I keep being mean to my boyfriend and trying to pick fights over nothing. I don’t want to do it but it keeps happening like I’ve lost control of my speech. Somebody help 🥲

M needing some advice it feels like asap ( I know this is ocd but idk the best way to respond in this situation) I know u don’t know much of my back ground but I’ve been very proud of myself for going on this trip I’m on currently but I am really struggling and really just don’t want to ruin it for everyone else but idk what to do. I can’t stop needing to cry, even with my anxiety meds it’s pretty bad. I have ROCD and pocd but towards others bein pedos (I have trauma due to being sexually abused for probably a long extending of time when I was around 2-4 although no memories of it). Anyways my husband is not an affectionate person and often he gets even less so around others but yet becomes more affectionate towards our kids and her friends (girls) and I and TRIGGERED bad and don’t want to be around him or with him anymore. This has happened before so I’m pretty sure it’s just ocd but idk that’s why I’ve seeked trauma therapy idk what to do if he was or what I’d say so I often just leave the room or won’t look bc otherwise I feel I’m going to act in ways that aren’t normal like saving them from truly nothing or accusing him of something huge when truly he may just be playing around with them but to me it’s nasty and I can’t stand it. And the being ignored or just his contentment overall isn’t what I want in a relationship but how do u explain that without confessing

I came out as a lesbian last year and have recently started exploring dating. I’m on dating apps, but I constantly find myself checking and questioning whether I’m actually attracted to someone, both romantically and sexually. It’s gotten to the point where I’m scared to meet people in real life because I’m worried I’ll keep analyzing my feelings instead of just enjoying the moment. It’s honestly exhausting. I just want to live, meet people, explore my sexuality, and experience things naturally without constantly questioning everything I feel. Can anyone give advice? I am also scared to have sex bc what if I dont get turned on? or wet?

I’m struggling with ocd around my boyfriend, and I’m really scared because lately it can feel like I don’t care about him. I can be going through my normal day and still have all these thoughts running in the background. I’ll suddenly notice a feeling or lack of a feeling and think, “Do I even love him?” or “Am I just annoyed by him?” Then I start trying really hard to figure out what I actually feel.Sometimes I’ll look at him and try to find the feeling I think I’m supposed to have, especially a feeling of sadness or guilt when I have a bad thought about him. But sometimes I can’t feel it, and then I get even more scared because I think, “Why don’t I feel bad? Does that mean I don’t care?” Other times I’ll have a heavy or unsettling feeling very quickly, like when I hear something about weddings or our future. Then I start analyzing why that feeling was stronger than other feelings I expected to have.I also notice that my feelings can change while I’m actually with him. Today I was with him and my feelings were all over the place, but I still had a good time being with him. I can still notice that he’s cute, want to be close to him, talk about college and our lives, and enjoy being together. But afterward my brain starts analyzing those moments too and asking whether I was really feeling what I thought I was feeling. also started testing my feelings mentally. I’ll create an image or scenario in my head to see how I react, then analyze whether the reaction felt real enough. Sometimes the image feels extremely vivid, especially when I’m tired, and then I worry that the reaction must mean something. Other times I try to imagine romantic moments between us and feel completely blocked, which makes me think I’m somehow forcing myself to love him.The things that scares me the most if I’m genuinely feeling things or whether I’m “training” myself to love him. I also get thoughts like, “Do you really know him?” or “Why am I being avoidant?” during completely normal conversations. Then I start analyzing why I had the thought and whether it means something about our relationship.At one point I tried to imagine but he doesn’t like himself, he looks scary and creepy, and our future together and suddenly felt like I couldn’t see him in my future. Everything emotionally dropped, and that scared me. Later I tried to daydream about us with a song and felt blocked and heavy. Then I wondered whether that meant I didn’t love him.The confusing part is that I don’t actually want to keep doing this analysis. When I stop and think about what I want without trying to measure my feelings, I still want him to be my boyfriend. But I’m scared because it’s like I have to go make sure I still love him.I want to spend normal time with him, and I want the relationship to work and continue but it feels like I don’t?!? But when the thoughts and feelings start happening, I get stuck trying to figure out what they mean. I’m scared that if I stop checking, I’ll miss some important truth about how I actually feel.