Welcome to
the NOCD Community

My brain is screaming inside my head that I'm trans. What if I am? Idk how I feel like. Idk who I am

Me again! Sorry for all the posts but this is the first time I’ve had a community of people that can maybe relate :)! I overthink my relationship a lot and am borderline obsessed with it like “feeling right” like I know people aren’t perfect but for some reason I expect him to be. He’s been my bf for two plus years. He’s a great boyfriend, treats me very well, have similar values, and we get along great! But.. I always feel like I’m trying to find something wrong with him, or that we don’t have enough in common and lately have been SO focused on him not working out and being pushy about him working out instead of supportive. It’s also something I am honestly pretty obsessed with it as well and struggle to understand why someone wouldn’t want to take part in it. I also feel like I have to tell him everything I’m thinking and feeling about him and the relationship even some of the things I say sometimes aren’t nice. I just have never known peace in this relationship or my last one bc I feel like it’s all I think about all the time and if we’ll work or if we won’t, or if he said something weird or did something weird or if my family doesn’t like him. I just don’t know if he’s not the one, if it’s my rocd or something else. Any advice or even outsider looking in perspective would be great. Here for me to called out too😉

*For context, I am wanting to and have a plan to move to LA for college that is reasonable and very financially robust. It includes working for a year first to get in state tuition. I just want to move to build a life there. It is all attainable. I am not wanting to move on a whim to be a movie star or something. I want to go to college and get a normal job* I have been planning to move from Kansas to los Angeles for college for a while now. I found a great job and a very affordable path that I can fully fund myself. My parents don't like that idea. They want me to go to college in kansas and live at home. They are scared that I am going to fail and they want to watch me so they know I am not in a dangerous situation. My financial plan is very robust and no matter how much i explain that it doesn't change anything. The California plan would involve a gap year to work and earn money amd in state tuition. By the end of college in Kansas I would owe my parents 24k and by the end of college in California I would owe them nothing because I could fully self fund it. I am not going to fit in well at the Kansas college. I went to the orientation there and people there were very different from me. The thought of staying in Kansas makes me feel trapped. This disorder has taken a lot from me so I want to move and show myself that I can. There are way better and cheaper OCD treatment resources in LA than in Kansas as well. It really feels like my parents are mad at me for wanting to leave. They are insisting stay here and take the 24k loan from them but from the way they are talking it sounds like they would not lend me any money at all for California which is fine because I can pay for it myself. Also my mom is incredibly scared that I won't have enough money. I have been planning for and wanting to do this for two years now. I really want to do it and I can but my parents are repeatedly asking me question after question trying to find some hole in my plan that will stop me from going and living my dreams. I wish they would at least look at living options with me and help me find the best option. Instead, today my dad is going to the car insurance place to get a quote on how much I would have to pay to scare me into staying (and by the way I already have found options and a plan for cheaper car insurance and that has been factored into my plan for a while). I know deep down they really care about me, but it really seems like they are mad at me right now. I am worried that this tension and stress is going to cause my ocd to come back. The move itself also carries a high risk.

I had a session today with an OCD therapist because I’m considering B4DT/Bergen-style intensive treatment. Before the session, I had emailed questions about the programme itself: whether it works with primarily mental compulsions/Pure-O because most of the examples in the webinar involved contamination OCD; how much one-to-one therapist time there is; confidentiality in the group because I would be discussing work OCD and potentially sensitive workplace information; how multiple OCD themes are handled; medication, including whether I should stay on it during B4DT; leave requirements, because the programme is described as four days but the dates I was given seemed to cover only two; and cost. He told me that the entirety of my email was reassurance-seeking. I’m trying to take that seriously, because I know reassurance-seeking is one of my compulsions and I probably do it in ways I don’t always recognise. But I’m also genuinely confused about where the line is. As a patient/client considering a treatment programme, surely there are also normal questions you’re allowed to ask so you can understand what you’re consenting to and whether the treatment is appropriate for you. For example, I can see how: “Can you promise this treatment will work for me and stop my OCD from mutating?” would be reassurance-seeking. But: “Does this programme treat primarily mental compulsions, and what does that look like?” feels like a treatment question to me. Same with: “How much one-to-one therapist time is there?” “What are the confidentiality arrangements?” “What happens with medication?” “What are the actual treatment dates?” “How much does the programme cost?” I’ve emailed him asking if he can explain the difference between a normal treatment/informed-consent question and a reassurance-seeking question, because right now I genuinely don’t know where that boundary is. I’m not posting this to ask whether my therapist was “right” or “wrong” about my email. I’m more interested in hearing from people with OCD who had to learn this distinction: How do you tell the difference between legitimate information-seeking and reassurance-seeking? And did your therapist actually teach you that distinction, or was it something you had to figure out yourself? I'm not going to lie I feel a little gaslit.

My ex is demented in the head but I still want him back . He told me we need to see others and not to hold onto hope and then got pissed when I hooked up with people because apparently only going on dates with others was ok with him. Then a couple weeks later he told me he’s “taking his talents elsewhere” he’s seeing someone new and it’s a taste of my own medicine. I don’t know why I still want him . But I just can’t stop being consumed by thoughts of how unfair this is. He’s saying he can’t imagine doing that to someone he loves but he literally broke up with me??? And now apparently I’m playing the victim ??? We’ve been no contact for weeks but it’s still driving me insane like I just hate him but part of me still wants him back bc I’m fearful he’s treating this new girl way better and telling her she’s so much better and more pure than me

Hey everyone! Today, let's try to do no searching for answers/reassurance on google (or whatever you use to do so). If you feel like that might be too difficult, that's okay! Try working your way up to it! (for example, you could do only 10 minutes of no compulsions or however long feels more comfortable to you right now in your journey, and then you will eventually work up to an hour, 2 hours, etc). I am doing the same thing. I actually did this yesterday and I felt very anxious at first.. but then I felt a lot of relief a few hours after. This might not be the same exact way that it happens for everyone, but I can promise that this WILL be better for you in the long run, as compulsions can make our OCD much worse even though they feel safer in the moment. Let's try to hold ourselves accountable! We can do hard things :)

Hi i’m new here but feeling very scared and stressed out about my insomnia. It just started about a month ago and i’ve had two anxiety flare ups that keep me in an intrusive thought loop that if I don’t sleep I will die or go insane but then I also hate the feeling of being aware of my body and when it’s drifting into unconsciousness. Some nights are better than others but usually getting around 2 hours and just want it to end. Any success stories that have worked?

Does anyone deal with insomnia and nightmares as a symptom of high anxiety? It's been two weeks for me since I can't sleep and when I do I have terrible, gory nightmares. They are not related to my theme but they are very disturbing and I wake up really scared and as soon as I do I start getting thoughts and then I spend the rest of the night ruminating. And I don't understant it because I'm somewhat fine during the day, I don't really have anxiety anymore so I don't get why my nights are so bad. And last night particularly was terrible, I was awake all night and at some point I think I was having hallucinations from sleep deprivation and I was genuinely scared that I'm losing my mind. I finally fell back asleep at like 5 am and today I'm having such a hard time resisting rumination, I have no energy to resist mental compulsions even though the thoughts don't cause me anxiety. Or maybe they do, I don't even know anymore. I don't know how to deal with this, I thought it was just caused by my period cycle cause I tend to have insomnia a few days before my period but I feel like two weeks is too long to be caused by my cycle. And the nightmares are the most confusing part cause I think I've had nightmares like 3 times my whole life and now it's every night. Is there something I can do to help my sleep or is it that kind of thing that passes on it's own as you get better?

Hi everyone, I am new to this app and technically new to OCD as well. I never knew there were so many types of OCD, but finding out that i’m not alone and that there are formal definitions and conditions for my symptoms from harm OCD and postpartum ocd, has provided me unbelievable relief. I believe I developed ocd from severe cptsd. I am 20 months postpartum and much of my cptsd stems from my pregnancy and post partum period. My questions are; 1. Could I still have postpartum ocd even though I am 20 months postpartum? 2. When/how did you realize you had harm ocd? My experience was pretty sudden and alarming. It was just like I woke up 1 day and immediately began having terrible intrusive thoughts which made me spiral. This led me down a dark road of basically convincing myself i’m psychotic until I discovered that it is actually OCD. Is this similar to others’ experiences? Because this is all so recent, it is still hard for me to live with the feeling that I feel like my brain has been failing me, since i’ve never dealt with anything like this before it’s hard to wrap my head around this happening to me. Ive only always struggled with anxiety and depression.

My ex and I AGREED we wouldn’t do anything/see anyone else right now due to the fact we’re almost 100% getting back together. So please don’t take that out of context. But I was out with my friends, a few being male, and they were putting on a “fashion show” for us, wearing our friends old clothes before he moved away. It was super sweet and fun and then I realized I could potentially be attracted to them changing so I kept looking away, but realized I was still partially looking? And then I was like, my ex and I agreed to not date, not to not have eyes. So maybe, and I don’t remember but MAYBE I looked on purpose and definitely enjoyed it. I think my friends are fairly attractive. But part of the time I was testing myself, part of the time I just accidentally looked, and maybe a part of the time I just let myself look and enjoyed it? I saw my ex the same night, we hangout here and there and talk about reconnecting when the time is right. Now I feel horribly guilty, it’s been over 6 hours of me thinking about this. I know part of it was on purpose maybe? It’s haunting me. Why would I look knowing I’m trying to fix things with my ex? Why did I enjoy it so much? They’re all cute guys and it worries me. ALSO!!! I’m worried because if I told him, I know he’d be upset with me. So like I don’t want to but I know his reaction already which is why I’m scared

Ive been on medication in the past and it was very helpful. I have been on and off it and im usually ok for about 6 months to a year before I get back in to crisis mode and get back on. (Im currently in crisis mode) I don't fully understand why so desperately don't want to take medication, other than a worry that I am medicating away my "true self" which can (unsurprisingly) only be found at the "end" of a never ending OCD loop. I'm feeling defeated.

I’ve been struggling a lot this week with intrusive sexual thoughts/images and constantly checking my reactions. I’ll be thinking about my boyfriend or having a sweet/intimate moment with him, and then a girl will randomly pop into my head. Sometimes I’ll notice a physical sensation or warmth and immediately panic and wonder, “Was that desire? Did my sexual attraction change? What do I actually want?”The “porn feeling” usually happens after I have an intrusive sexual thought or image and then start focusing intensely on it. Sometimes I deliberately replay or force the thought to test myself and see whether I’ll react. After repeatedly focusing on it, I’ll notice a strong physical sensation that reminds me of the feeling I associate with porn. Then I panic and think, “Wait, did I actually enjoy that? Was that desire? What does this mean?”Sometimes I’ll continue the scenario instead of stopping, and it starts feeling almost like a daydream that I’m stuck inside. I’ll push myself to get more into the scenario, and it can start feeling strangely immersive, almost like I’m acting like a different version of myself. Then I overthink that feeling as if it’s a completely new feeling I’ve discovered. Sometimes the scenario changes into a different feeling, but when I come out of that mindset, I can still have a lingering sexual sensation. If it doesn’t immediately go away, I’ll get pulled back into thinking about the scenario because I’m focused on the sensation and wondering why it’s still there. Sometimes I even feel anxious once I’m out of the daydream because the whole experience felt so strange and unlike my normal mindset. I’ve also been forcing myself to imagine things and checking whether I react, comparing how I feel toward my boyfriend versus girls, looking back at pictures/messages, and questioning whether my feelings are “real.” Sometimes I feel warmth, comfort, attraction, or that I miss my boyfriend, but then I’ll suddenly feel blank or disconnected and start questioning everything again. Yesterday I was texting my boyfriend affectionately and started feeling weird and asking myself, “Do I even love him? Where’s the love?” Sometimes I’ll say things to him specifically to see if I feel something afterward, which makes me feel guilty because I don’t want our interactions to become a test. During an intimate moment, I’ve also gotten stuck in my head by deliberately forcing girl-related thoughts instead of just being present with him. Sometimes my mind goes blank, sometimes I notice a physical sensation, and then afterward I analyze it for hours. Today I woke up anxious while waiting for a Marshalls call. A girl from an old intrusive scenario kept popping into my head while I was imagining what would happen. I immediately wondered, “Is that what I’m excited for?” Then the thought disappeared when I noticed it. Sexual thoughts came afterward, along with the “porn feeling,” and I immediately started questioning what I wanted. Later, I kept noticing girls in my peripheral vision and interpreting things as sexual, then looking again and realizing it wasn’t what I thought. I got annoyed and started thinking things like, “Oh, I totally am into it,” which made me worry even more. I feel like I’m constantly trying to decode every thought, image, sensation, and emotion to figure out what it means about me. I’m especially scared that my sexual desire toward my boyfriend has changed because sometimes I feel connected to him and other times I feel completely bland, empty, or stuck in my head. The hardest part is that I keep testing myself. I’ll force a thought, continue a scenario, compare reactions, check my body, or say something to my boyfriend just to see if I feel something. Then whatever I feel becomes another thing I have to analyze. I’m so confused because the experiences can feel incredibly real in the moment, especially when I get stuck in a daydream-like mindset, but afterward I feel anxious, disconnected, or like I wasn’t myself. I keep wondering whether these sensations and reactions are actually telling me something about what I want, or whether I’m just getting caught in the constant checking and overthinking.

I’ve been struggling a lot this week with intrusive sexual thoughts/images and constantly checking my reactions. I’ll be thinking about my boyfriend or having a sweet/intimate moment with him, and then a girl will randomly pop into my head. Sometimes I’ll notice a physical sensation or warmth and immediately panic and wonder, “Was that desire? Did my sexual attraction change? What do I actually want?”The “porn feeling” usually happens after I have an intrusive sexual thought or image and then start focusing intensely on it. Sometimes I deliberately replay or force the thought to test myself and see whether I’ll react. After repeatedly focusing on it, I’ll notice a strong physical sensation that reminds me of the feeling I associate with porn. Then I panic and think, “Wait, did I actually enjoy that? Was that desire? What does this mean?”Sometimes I’ll continue the scenario instead of stopping, and it starts feeling almost like a daydream that I’m stuck inside. I’ll push myself to get more into the scenario, and it can start feeling strangely immersive, almost like I’m acting like a different version of myself. Then I overthink that feeling as if it’s a completely new feeling I’ve discovered. Sometimes the scenario changes into a different feeling, but when I come out of that mindset, I can still have a lingering sexual sensation. If it doesn’t immediately go away, I’ll get pulled back into thinking about the scenario because I’m focused on the sensation and wondering why it’s still there. Sometimes I even feel anxious once I’m out of the daydream because the whole experience felt so strange and unlike my normal mindset. I’ve also been forcing myself to imagine things and checking whether I react, comparing how I feel toward my boyfriend versus girls, looking back at pictures/messages, and questioning whether my feelings are “real.” Sometimes I feel warmth, comfort, attraction, or that I miss my boyfriend, but then I’ll suddenly feel blank or disconnected and start questioning everything again. Yesterday I was texting my boyfriend affectionately and started feeling weird and asking myself, “Do I even love him? Where’s the love?” Sometimes I’ll say things to him specifically to see if I feel something afterward, which makes me feel guilty because I don’t want our interactions to become a test. During an intimate moment, I’ve also gotten stuck in my head by deliberately forcing girl-related thoughts instead of just being present with him. Sometimes my mind goes blank, sometimes I notice a physical sensation, and then afterward I analyze it for hours. Today I woke up anxious while waiting for a Marshalls call. A girl from an old intrusive scenario kept popping into my head while I was imagining what would happen. I immediately wondered, “Is that what I’m excited for?” Then the thought disappeared when I noticed it. Sexual thoughts came afterward, along with the “porn feeling,” and I immediately started questioning what I wanted. Later, I kept noticing girls in my peripheral vision and interpreting things as sexual, then looking again and realizing it wasn’t what I thought. I got annoyed and started thinking things like, “Oh, I totally am into it,” which made me worry even more. I feel like I’m constantly trying to decode every thought, image, sensation, and emotion to figure out what it means about me. I’m especially scared that my sexual desire toward my boyfriend has changed because sometimes I feel connected to him and other times I feel completely bland, empty, or stuck in my head. The hardest part is that I keep testing myself. I’ll force a thought, continue a scenario, compare reactions, check my body, or say something to my boyfriend just to see if I feel something. Then whatever I feel becomes another thing I have to analyze. I’m so confused because the experiences can feel incredibly real in the moment, especially when I get stuck in a daydream-like mindset, but afterward I feel anxious, disconnected, or like I wasn’t myself. I keep wondering whether these sensations and reactions are actually telling me something about what I want, or whether I’m just getting caught in the constant checking and overthinking.

Major moral scrupulousity triggers below NOT ASKING FOR REASSURANCE. DO NOT PROVIDE REASSURANCE I think my OCD was right. I am a bad person. There are bad things that I do that I recognize are bad and I don't even WANT to change them. And it's not just the negative impacts inherent to not always choosing the most ethical options and living in the US (using computers, driving cars, grocery shopping, fast fashion, etc). It's more than that. Yeah, I'm not out here breaking the law, but legal doesn't mean good or morally correct. I do shit that I know causes harm and I don't want to make an effort to change my behavior. I laugh at everything I shouldn't laugh at. I do things I know are bad for the environment just because I find them fun. I disagree with so many of the morally correct beliefs of the majority or society. I don't take things seriously when I should. I avoid topics that involve politics and human suffering when they start to trigger me as if they'll ever be an easy conversation. As if my stuffering is anything at all compared to others who are going through hell. I say I wish I knew more about politics to develop informed opinions but I don't bother doing any research. All of this is extremely selfish, and lazy. There's really no excuse. So, I see two choices here. Either admit that I'm not a good person or keep running away and making excuses. "Oh it's my OCD doing black and white thinking and demand certainty and targeting my values and I'm doing a confession compulsion over the what ifs and morality is subjective" but ~what if~ it's truly not? Because at some point I have to be held accountable for my own actions. Not every intrusive thought is based entirely on fiction. I think I really am just a bad person and I've been fighting the truth because I "wanna be a good and valid and decent person" without actually changing and doing the real work required to be a member of society that isn't a problem. But of course I can't even be certain about this either. This all is very likely to be my OCD becoming worse and taking things too far but I can't even argue that because I don't believe it's entirely wrong anymore. I think I'm convinced. I'll always be doing something wrong so why not believe I'm the problem? I probably am. And this is helping nobody because despite it all, I still refuse to change. Maybe I'm just better off staying away from everyone so I don't hurt anyone. AGAIN, PLEASE DO NOT PROVIDE REASSURANCE, THANK YOU

There's like, one big memory that keeps popping in, with a bunch of other "what ifs". All involving my nephew. It's like what I thought was true isn't anymore. The big memory in question is, at one point, my mom was forcing me to clean my nephew because she was busy, and I normally refuse to clean up children. This is how I originally remember it happening: I wasn't able to touch him to actually clean him, so I ended up putting him in the shower to try and spray him off in a panic, which didn't work either. I broke down and cried in the bathroom. But now I keep convincing myself that I did something bad to him. Accidentally or not. I keep getting an intrusive image of me touching him badly that I don't think is real, but I can't prove it. In addition to this, my mind just keeps asking "what ifs": "What if you enjoyed it when he'd climb all over you when he was a baby?" "What if those accidental touches and brushes weren't accidents?" "What if you're looking at him inappropriately on purpose?" I'm also struggling with a false memory, telling me that I touched him inappropriately when he was still an infant when I was like, 15. I have absolutely no idea if this is true or not. My mind has pretty much turned every memory involving him into a POCD soup. I legitimately cannot tell you what the truth is. The truth I WANT is that I'm just overreacting, that I hadn't actually enjoyed or wanted any of these things. But my mind has so thoroughly convinced me I'm a monster that I can't calm myself down. What makes everything more confusing is that my nephew loves me, and my family doesn't see me as a threat to him, hell, they've even said I'd make a great dad, if I ever wanted kids. (Which I don't, regardless of POCD.) So now I feel as though I'm "lying" somehow. That I've put on a front to make everyone think I'm safe so I can do more wrong. Even though that's... Not what I want at all. I don't want any of this to be real. I just don't know what's real anymore. I don't think I had done anything wrong, but my brain keeps telling me that I'm lying to myself. Any time someone tells me I didn't do anything wrong I end up telling myself that they're lying.

I totally don’t mind lgbtq people. I rly don’t care if someone likes the same gender, it’s not my life or my business. But I can’t help but freak out every time I watch TikTok and some girl is talking how she realized that she never liked men and just wanted them to like her and she realized she’s lesbian, and similar to this. People in comments too sharing their experience and it’s making me believe that it’s the same thing that I’ve been going through in my life. Like it’s making me believe that I truly don’t like men and I’m just trying to convince myself. I know that everyone has different life’s and experiences but still, it’s making me rly anxious. Or when I’m watching series or a movie and lesbians are in it, I’m totally scared that I like it. Like do I acc want a boyfriend or am I just saying that because I’m scared that I might not like men at all. I’ll put trigger warning cause idk if it’s triggering.

Well, I wouldn't say confident, I used to be so sensitive about everything, especially since I grew up in an abusive household, I was extremely perfectionist, I used to control my relationships so much, I would cry day and night if a person blocked me or just stopped talking with me, but now its almost the opposite, I had a really bad mental breakdown (?) between 2025 October and 2026 February, especially because of my ocd I just prayed to god 24/7 to make me normal again, I was really tired of everything, and in 2026 January for once I blocked every friend of mine + relatives, I stopped talking with my parents, and now, 6 months later, even though I unblocked some friends of mine, I still cant bring myself to like them, at their smallest mistakes I start not talking with them "Wait. Why should anyone else's opinion matter? I'm the most important person in my life. I deserve happiness. I don't need these people" - I cant get out of this mindset, its becoming just toxic, I fell in love but after 1 month of trying to get that person, I detached even though I wanted to keep loving them, I started feeling disgusted everytime they came to my mind, but I just dont know, it feels safe Also I used to be a huge empathetic person, but now I really cant care about my friends, their problems, no matter how hard I try, sure I feel empathy for some people but its just a few people It also affects my daily life because this whole mindset of "everything is fake, people are fake and nobody loves anyone, so why should u force urself to feel this way?" making me feel sick and disgusted even when I try hanging out with people Im supposed to like It's not only relationships, I cant enjoy my hobbies like I used to, I dont know how fast my days go, but I just feel like everything is pointless And btw I still care a lot about what other people think about me and especially my appearance, even though I act like I dont, idk whats wrong with me

hey so this is my first post 18+ So i’ve been in a relationship for 6 years but over the 6 years my partners done somethings that have made me feel untrustworthy towards them. it’s been about a year or year and a half now though. Recently they made an account on Tumblr for art and i keep checking their account to see what they follow - and i mean constantly. I’ve even started going to google AI because i brought it up to them and HOURS later they showed me their likes (because it’s private) and the AI says they’ve liked things that aren’t liked which makes me believe they’ve unliked things so then i just spiral more searching and searching. I go to their groups i know they have interest in and search through the post that make me feel uncomfortable’s likes to see if they liked them and etc. I just feel insane. and this has been happening for days. i feel out of control. i can’t stop thinking if i do it again ill get my evidence and will stop feeling crazy. what do i do? (i also check their followering on instagram and have been doing that for years. i just dont know how to trust and its soo consuming) also i really really hate AI so i know it’s bad because im breaking my morals to feed my compulsive checking

Hi everyone. I’m the partner of someone with OCD, and I’m trying to educate myself so I can better understand what she experiences and be more supportive. Recently, she told me that she feels like I don’t fully understand her OCD. She has explained things to me several times, and I realized that although I’ve been trying to understand, I was still getting some important things wrong. I don’t want to keep asking her to explain the same things to me, especially when she’s already struggling, so I’ve started researching and learning on my own. One thing I’m particularly trying to understand is the difference between obsessions, compulsions (including mental compulsions), reassurance-seeking, and exposure/ERP. I had some misconceptions about these and I’m realizing that OCD is much more complicated than simply “being afraid of something and trying to reassure yourself.” For those of you who have OCD: * What do you wish your partner understood about what OCD feels like from the inside? * What are some things your partner might do with good intentions that actually make OCD harder? * What kind of support feels helpful when you’re having a difficult OCD day? * How can a partner show love and reassurance without accidentally feeding the OCD cycle? * Are there any books, videos, articles, or other resources you would recommend specifically for partners of someone with OCD? I’m not looking to diagnose, treat, or “fix” my girlfriend. I just want to understand her better and become a more supportive partner. Thank you to anyone willing to share their experience. 🙌🏻

TW: Heart, fear of death First post - hope I do this right. currently going through a taper and my intrusive thoughts have spiked/spiraled about heart fears and fear of dying . When they spike I isolate heavily. last 2 days felt nonstop. Has anyone else been here before? newly diagnosed OCD and ADHD.