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I am so tired. Im sitting here feeling the soreness of the back of my legs. I can feel everything. I am aware of everything. I cant help but think if anything is wrong with me right now medically. I am also a childhood cancer survivor so that in my past doesn’t help my case. My family is just now realizing I am ocd instead of just anxiety. I have to explain to them everything I have to do to calm down. I sleep with ice packs near just in case. I keep one on me every minute of the day. I keep my Apple Watch on and so tight it leaves a mark. I monitor my symptoms even if there isn’t any. I google my symptoms and read the bad things and then assume that is what’s wrong with me. My ex left me bc he couldn’t take it all. I have a great boyfriend who will talk to me and take care of me but it hurts. I just want to be normal.

so this is really weird…. i was friends with a girl for 7 years met her when i was 12 she was 14. we were attached to the hip she was my everything and we ended up not being friends anymore it’s killing me …our friendship was really complicated and different than a normal friendship we shared almost the same exact ocd subtypes and didn’t even at the time know it was ocd but we would talk to each other in our heads when we were gone to ask for guidance on what to wear or if something was good or not and we would take everything showers together for an hour and do our rituals tg and we would watch the same movies over and over cause it were the only movies we could watch, same with music. we deemed certain music we didn’t liek as evil and bad because it rlly felt that way. we had the same pocd about subliminals getting into our heads or being watched with cameras in our room . once we got older i got a bf and it kinda ruined our friendship and we didn’t see a each other for 2 years…we got together one day to talk after all that time and she told me she got diagnosed w ocd and was in a religious psychosis and was “talking to god and hearing him in her head “ ( basically exactly how we would talk to each other in our heads) after she told me she said that we couldn’t be friends anymore because we weren’t good for each other and she thought i needed help and now she is complete turned christian god fearing woman who won’t have sex before marriage won’t b friends w me bc im not christian and she feels as if im polluting her life and sending her back into old ways but j can’t help but notice that she’s completely different and it’s super heartbreaking bc how did it go this far? how did she spiral so much? im here for her i wish i could just help her snap out of it but maybe this is just who she is now idk…ill never be that close with anyone in my life ever again. we shared something that is really rare and hard to relate to with other people and she understood me and my feelings and what i struggled with more than anyone ever will and i can’t get over it i ruminate about it everyday its been 3 years now since we have been friends and cant for the life of me get over her. i will try to recreate the rituals we did and get that same feeling of content and comfort but its never the same.

i am having a very hard time sitting with intense fear. my OCD latched onto a fear theme i had years ago and thought i moved past and it keeps making me feel like im in the same horrific mindset as i was which scares me and makes it worse. writing this feels very scary for me but maybe someone can understand or help? i am a christian and ive been baptized years ago (during the intense OCD years ago) and go to church every week and really do want to get close to God and trust Him more. i have a horrible fear of evil and possession which was first triggered years ago after watching a scary movie. the hardest part with the theme reappearing now is not only am i scared of that but also scared of going back to that really intense state of mind i was in that i felt so stuck. i know a lot more about my OCD now and how to recognize it now than i did before but in the moment of having these spikes the logic doesn’t matter. i know as a christian and child of God i need to trust that i am protected by God and don’t need to fear evil. idk why it feels so terrifying. :( during my spikes i feel afraid of what if God isn’t protecting me and what if i do get attacked. it’s so hard to sit with that feeling and not turn into a panic. the intense fear does pass after some time but then i feel like i have to rethink what happened to make sure i didn’t cause anything bad to happen or that im safe. and since its a spiritual fear, its not something i can know with 100% certainty. i feel like i can’t talk to anyone about it because its so taboo and idk what to do 😩 some one please help 🙏🏼🙏🏼

so my bf is the only person who i’ve talked to abt my ocd and it’s been getting worse as im getting older. i need to talk to people who also struggle with what i am because its so hard to explain to him and i cant expect him to fully understand what im going thru and im pretty bad at communicating how i feel but especially now that im aware of my ocd it feels it’s sm worse. i constantly think about what the right or wrong thing to do is and how to achieve the most perfect feeling all day, and like if one thing is wrong like my socks or shirt i feel like my day is genuinely ruined…everything is so serious to me and it makes it extremely hard to enjoy life when all im thinking about is “is this right? no no it’s no good i need to do something different” everything has the be so specific my playlist my room my phone background and setup my aesthetic the movies i watch the songs i listen to like it’s driving me absolutely crazy

The only way I feel peace is if I can trust god with every scary situation, responsibility, sin, obedience, or anything that overwhelms me. But I’m scared that’s a compulsion. Because it’s the only thing that calms me down. I’m not wanting to do anything else, not grounding or anything. Because that isn’t certain to me, but the potential for God to help makes me feel like I’m moving towards Christianity, and therefore towards safety. I keep getting overwhelmed by almost every daily task and everything I have to do, that I have to do it fast. I have to live a hyper vigilant lifestyle to not spiral. But the spiral usually just proves I’m unwilling to do the work. I just had two days off and even that much time to myself is suffocating because I just kept seeing how I wasn’t a Christian and the biggest fear was this…I cannot with confidence say I’m convinced of God and salvation in Christ and the Bible. And I am unwilling to research anything because I’m scared I’ll be more convinced by soemthing else. Which is not what I want. I want to be a confident Christian. But the fear is that this makes God not on my side, I can’t trust God with all these things and move on because he can see I’m a hypocrite. I also never feel in control. Every response is usually just a response to overwhelm and I just say “god take it” and nothing feels like me or confidently in my control.

Hello all, I hope you are doing well. I wanted to share my experience in the hopes that I will look back on this period of time as a rough spot in my life that was just a passing phase. I have had 2 CT scans - an coronary artery CT scan at 20 to rule out pericarditis (I was misdiagnosed by an incompetent doctor) and an abdominal pelvis ct scan at 22 to rule out diverticulitis, colon cancer, or IBD. The symptoms that prompted these scans turned out to be completely due to anxiety - Acid reflux causing chest pain and anxiety causing abdominal pain. I am graduating college in a month, landed a high salary job, and have a loving partner. I should be at the peak of my life right now. But I am waking up every day in pure terror, with the recurring thought that I permanently increased my risk of cancer for no reason. All the symptoms that prompted these scans were just anxiety… and I just feel like I SHOULD’VE known that… and yet, against my gut instincts, knowing the permanent risk of CT scans, I did them anyway. Right now, it don’t feel like there’s anything anyone could tell me or suggest to me to feel safe and confident without going back in time and undoing the radiation exposure. I just can’t believe I did that when I should’ve known it was just anxiety… and now I’ll have a permanent increase in my risk. I know this sounds completely ridiculous, as the added risk is very small, and I was having real symptoms before the scans, but I feel so deeply disturbed by this my life feels like it is falling apart before me. I can’t study or get things done at work because I’m so emotionally devastated by this that I’m either in a catatonic state or having to look for constant reassurance online. It’s gotten so bad I’ve practically become an amateur subject matter expert in the topic of medical radiation models. I know the risk isn’t even worth worrying about it, and there’s nothing I can do - but I am completely devastated. I wonder how many others may have been in my position before?

I feel like my sexual intrusive thoughts are completely real. Even though I have tested them for like a whole year in the past and they always yield the same results of being not aroused by them at all, today I tested it in a different way and I absolutely felt aroused. Even though I find the thoughts themselves gross and I am not interested at all in them, I am pretty much 100% convinced that is just me being in denial about it. I honestly really didn’t enjoy it though. I just felt super aroused. But genuinely enjoying it? No. That’s just not what gets me off. But everywhere in my body I felt it Now I am SO scared I’m just saying this all as an excuse to not confront it and to be in denial. Ugh. But the thing is I kind of know the arousal was real, even though I’m not really feeling the thoughts themselves. I think that alone just gives away at who I really am. Just please give insight if you have it in you, please. Thank you.

I’m falling apart and I feel myself drifting away from myself. I recently feel more alone then ever. My parents, sister and friend either don’t understand or ran out of patience or can’t go to or are judging me. I don’t know what to do anymore or see a way out of this. I only got diagnosed a few months ago but i suspect I’ve been having OCD or at least been experiencing it my whole life but back then it was mostly in my mind. A few months I finally was able to deal with my intrusive thoughts but then boom contamination in the same week. I first I was able to deal with it but now I’ve been crashing and burning. I feel so dirty that even washing my hands I still feel dirty, because if my body is dirty then washing my hands isn’t enough. I need hours to clean myself and it goes wrong then I need to start over which also causes me to take longer. I’ve been refusing to touch anything and asking my family to touch things or pass it to me. Even going days without showering bc I have my sister help me wash the whole covers/sheets/blanket and everything has to be cleaned because what’s the point of showering to go back to everything that is dirty. I wait for her which she has school so it’s usually not enough time which causes me waiting. I had submit a leave of absence for work and not sure if it’ll be approved but even then she took me off the whole schedule so who know if I have a job. I don’t feel like myself and not even doing anything for myself which is beyond what it was before. I won’t drive or leave my house. I’m not myself, my current therapist isn’t specialized for OCD and when I’m trying to find another one then no has openings. I know I can get through this but I’m feeling so lonely and sad. Any suggestions or advice?

ocd confuses me so bad. ocd is obviously the doubt disorder and can make tiny things seem really big. it's caused me a big deal of stress because i don't ever really know what's actually something i should panic over or something i should just brush off. :(

this post is 18+ so please only read if that’s the category you fall into. there’s this one girl i met on a social media app, and we interacted all that and we sexted a few times. she sent me a photo at some point as well (it’s in our chats but like i’m not the kind of guy to save it and start sharing it around) and on this app she had it on her bio to not interact with her if you fall into x y z reasons. now i think i remembering seeing this a while ago and either not caring, thinking i don’t fall into those things or not giving it much thought or all 3. but either way, it happened. i looked at it again recently and thought like, i don’t know for sure if i fall into those things but i know she would likely see it as that, or i do fall into those things which one probably isn’t good and two i feel like would be unfair to her, knowing she wouldn’t have wanted to do any of that if she knew. i don’t know if im overthinking this, also she doesn’t always directly like initiate or message me so if we stop talking then its like fine because we weren’t even close at all it was mainly just a for fun thing, but i have this thing where if something bothers me so deeply i’ll have to admit it to someone, but if i say anything i know it’ll just make stuff worse just to relieve guilt. so let me know, i dont know if this falls exactly into the OCD criteria but i wanna know honestly do i apologize, just stop talking to her, or what because already i think im gonna stop interacting with her but i just feel bad about it idk. or am i thinking too deeply into this. thank you for reading and i would appreciate some advice about this! thanks

Lately I feel like I’m having OCD about having OCD. Since getting diagnosed, I’ve felt like I’m grieving my whole life. I’ve always been proud of how deeply I think and feel. I thought it was part of what made me special. Looking back, I can also see how often I’d spend so many hours of my day ruminating over the same thing because I felt like I couldn’t let it go. Those spirals left me feeling stuck and annoyed and sometimes I’d sink into depression afterward. Now I catch myself replaying old memories, trying to figure out how much of what felt like “just me” was OCD. Before I know it, I’m spiraling about what having OCD says about me. I was already in therapy for anxiety and depression, and I wish someone had recognized the OCD sooner so I could’ve gotten help for that more specifically. I wonder how much I learned to hide or explain away without even realizing it. Some days I’m grateful I finally have words for what I’ve been experiencing. Other days I just wish it would go away. I see it show up in my every day life, too. When I’m late or miss plans because I’m struggling, feeling judged can send me right back into a spiral. I go from What do they think of me? to Why is showing up so hard for me sometimes? Why do I even have OCD? I’m starting to see how often I assume people are picking me apart the way I pick myself apart. The more I expect criticism, the more sensitive I am to it, and the quicker I can be to judge myself or someone else. I’ve always felt strongly that you never really know what someone is going through. I mean that, and I can still forget it when I’m hurt or embarrassed. I want to get better at saying, “I’m sorry I missed it. I know it mattered,” without spending the rest of the day picking myself apart. And I want to give other people some of the room I wish they’d give me when there’s more going on than they can see. Has anyone else felt this kind of grief after getting diagnosed? I’d love to hear what it’s been like for you. 🤍

I wonder if anyone here is Mexican like me, or Hispanic.. if not, still stick around. : ) In a month, me and my family return back to our native country to be with the rest of our family, I've made a personal promise that I'd learn a lot of Spanish by then, as embarrassingly I've lost my native language + become a no sabo.. I think I've improved, but at the same time it just doesn't feel enough. This sounds like a random personal problem,, but it's much more serious to me, honestly. + OCD has been increasing the severity of my shame and confusion with identity and culture. I'm as well as just going through a: "Too Mexican for Americans.. sort of,, and too American for Mexicans." Situation. Both cultural and identity wise. It doesn't help with my whole appearance/ancestry OCD theme. ~💜(You can stop reading here and optionally respond, as that's the main points of the situation. But I will now expand, so continue reading ahead if curious.)💜~ --- I honestly feel really jealous of my entire family.. I mean, they are 1000% fluent in spanish, they're so on point with the culture and everything they do makes me feel like the odd one out. I mean, haha, there's an actual event where I was trying to order something in Spanish during a trip, I was informed by my relative "sorryy.. she's from America" and the lady knew.. it was a funny and embarrassing story but then it reminds me of my more deeper situations that aren't as funny. + With appearances, I get so ashamed of myself somehow. My entire family has the indigenous-like features, the downturned nose, really dark hair, brown skin, and such.. I have similar features too, tan skin, dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, and such but my nose is more upturn somehow and my hair is just SLIGHTLY a bit lighter. My older sister is almost a whole shade darker than me, I feel like I used to be much "browner" when I was younger but I can't tell... It's not like you can't tell I'm Mexican though, I've been compared by like a million people at this point that I look like Jenna Ortega, a few times I've been told I looked like Selena Quintanilla, and other things in the past.. but it's like, goshh I don't know, I look at some past photos and analyze my features. A few I feel like I looked washed, or I've washed myself completely. All my life I've always felt American, even though I wasn't born here in the US. I sometimes feel ashamed and undeserving to listen to Spanish music and feel proud. From how much I've pushed my Mexican out of the way from my past years until now, I wonder if anyone will ever see me as a true Mexican. I occasionally talk about my family's culture to my acquaintances, each time I feel like I'm a scam. I've... recently been trying to research on what it means to be a "Chicana" or even just trying to get in touch with my identity and everything. As much as I desire to take an Ancestry test, I don't think I'd feel okay if it somehow turns out I'm more European compared to everyone, if that makes any sense. (Not that there's anything wrong with anyone else being European!!) Even though my parents are both equally as European and Indigenous, from what I remember... Idkidk. It's really hard, and it's funny since it's really only a me problem,, I don't think I've heard anyone else who's had an entire OCD crises like me with this topic.

Been in an OCD flare up for over a week, now I’ve caught a cold and I woke up on my period. Don’t know how to go on.

Hello! I have been struggling with eating recently and im not sure if its because of ocd related to food or if it is arfid… im scared of certain foods triggering acne or causing allergic reactions so much so that i lost a significant amount of weight in one month- some foods do truly cause acne for me and i do have diagnosed ocd and im only allergic to mangoes- but yeah like some days i eat just fjne but others i really really struggle and end up on eating at all and just sobbing- nothing feels safe even though i safely eat lots if things- i tell myself its gonna trigger me this time or make my skin worse (i also have a chronic skin condition)- like I dont know i feel like i can barely eat but i love food- or at least loved it- i dont mind textures or anything- i love odd textures of food 😭😭 but its just im so scared and i feel like something bad is going to happen- can anyone who has experienced either arfid or food related ocd themes tell me their experience?

Making this post in case anybody relates. These are a few examples of some of my biggest online triggers. A small portion but I feel like it's a bit representative of the types of things that send me into long spirals. Triggering things like real event OCD, POCD, harm OCD, overresponsibility, and anxieties around being ethical, being politically knowledgeable and correctly aligned, concerns regarding altness and guilt around not being alt, worried I'm not doing enough activism or helping the world, etc. I feel constantly on edge worried about how terrible of a person I am because I'm not up to the moral standards of people I see online who are heavily critical of the average person such as myself. I feel immense pressure to copy the actions and beliefs of dedicated and determined activists even though that is entirely unrealistic for me in my life and the guilt eats away at me. Instagram has been super bad for me but I still get compulsions to scroll just to try and figure out how exactly bad of a person I am for not being like the good people on there who are preaching all these moral beliefs and politics and ethics and altness and how political they are. It gives me so much anxiety that I get nauseous and dizzy and eveb bedridden at times. Anything I say to try to comfort myself gets turned against me because then I can use those videos to say that I'm just a bad person who's turning their head away from problems if I try to keep my peace, and that even if I was exactly like everyone on there I still probably wouldn't feel right at the end of the day anyways because of the OCD, but knowing that doesn't make it stop either. It's very hard for me to step back from all that stuff until myself I'm allowed to exist the way that I do flaws and all and that the changes I do want to make will take time and that's okay and that it's okay if I don't want to change everything about myself, because then what happens is the guilt pours in and I feel compelled to mimic the actions of the most dedicated activists to try to make myself as morally and ethically and politically perfect as possible even though that it's not really possible at all. I have an exaggerated perception of my negative traits to the point where I can't exactly figure out where the line is between realistic and unrealistic depictions of how bad I am as a person because I can't see past in the exaggerations even though I know that there is exaggeration happening. Anyways, for the examples themselves, I was unable to attach a screenshots to this post so instead I'm just going to quote the text off the Instagram and Instagram comments screenshots: ((Reminder that these are a very small selection of examples of types of content that are triggering to me and also that this is not a criticism on these people at all. These are not exclusively the types of conversations that trade for me but they are an example and it doesn't matter whether or not anything in the post applies to me directly, it is still triggering, especially in cases where I have a different worldview or I disagree or I have different values. Also triggers regarding OCD content where people talk about OCD and the comments completely misunderstand it is a huge trigger as well. Not that for all posts included, I did not participate (comment) in these comment sections, nor have I participated in others)) Alt post: "Alt is reusing and upcycling. Alt is to be messy. Alt is diy. Alt is not supporting fast fashion" "Buying alt fashion is okay if you are buying small businesses and not wearing stuff once and then it ending up in a landfill. You cannot be alt if you buy your clothes from Shien or Ally express or Amazon. Thrifting is the best way to find clothes that are unique and learn how to sew even if it is a hand sewing just learning tiny amount of sewing and you will be able to create so much stuff and fix stuff" Comments: "People can be themselves as long as it's not at the cost of the planet and other people" " "I want to be myself while I disrespect the natural world that brought me here" seems contradictory. Yk sum stereotypical of a poser. Started with "bandwagon" pp wearing band shirts they don't listen 2. If you seriously think disrespecting what bought u here is fine then idk maybe u people needa be-" (message cuts off in screenshot) (POCD post): ""I can't believe you just admitted you're are a P-"" Comments: "Stop defending P- point blank" (Just a bunch of people trying to explain OCD and then everyone just ignoring that and calling poster a p- or p- defender) Political post: "When Trump straight up killed 63 girls and someone really says "I don't like talking about politics"" Comments: ""I'm actually not into politics" well bad news pal, cuz politics are really into you and you got to decide between cupcakes or bullets" "HOW TF CAN YOU NOT BE INTO POLITICS" "Yeah you no longer have the privilege to be "not into politics"" Final note: do not provide reassurance, please

I have very severe OCD and have tried pretty much every standard treatment, medication, and TMS. My symptoms remain severe (Y-BOCS of 37). My OCD therapist said he and the OCD center wouldn’t accept me as a patient this fall unless I did a higher level of care, like a partial hospitalization program or residential, at a place like Roger’s or McLean hospital. My parents said “we don’t have the money for that and neither do you.” I don’t mean to sound spoiled, but they are upper middle class and my brother and I get free tuition, cause my dad is a professor. My psychiatrist is recommending brain surgery or brain surgery trials (deep brain stimulation and focused ultrasound trials), given all the things that I’ve tried that have not worked. Their first reason for why I couldn’t do it was “we don’t have the money for it.” When I mentioned that there are trials for it that I wouldn’t have to pay for, they said “it’s not safe, and we will cut you off financially/take your car (it’s technically in their name) if you do it.” So I can’t do a PHP program or surgery, which are the two things that could probably have the biggest chance of working. I even found a study that isn’t surgery that pays like $1,200, but they said no because it involves driving in center city Philadelphia, and I wouldn’t be able to be home for winter break. They strongly want me to finish my senior year of college and get a full time job, and they are saying that a full time job will not want me to take time off to do something like a PHP program or surgery, and maybe there will be something noninvasive that will come to my hometown, which is in Western NY. I’m sick of the goal posts moving. It is being recommended by multiple doctors that I take time off for my health, the OCD has been incredibly resistant to treatments, and I am doing what they want, finishing out college AND getting a job over winter break, that I could be taking time off for myself. How am I supposed to get better, if I can never take time off, because it’s inconvenient? I just want to get better, and clearly this is not a normal case of OCD. I have asked multiple times about taking time off, and been shut down every time. I also got fired from an internship because they were frustrated it took me too long to learn things (OCD doesn’t help with that at all), and didn’t take initiative to ask other people how to do it. I told them about the OCD beforehand and how it can make it difficult for me to focus, and they didn’t even give me a warning before letting me go. I don’t know how much is society versus my parents, but I just feel like the world is not set up for me to succeed. I just want to get better

18+ I'm a week clean from porn but I still feel really dirty for ever watching it. The amount of fucked up shit I've probably seen without realising is horrible and makes me wish I never started watching animated porn. It's gross that I was exposed to it at such a young age and became so desensitised to all of it. I just hope Im not quitting too late and that I'm actually just a really bad person who doesn't know it yet.

I've been struggling with my mental health. I graduated back in june and i have been struggling to find work. With the struggles of finding employment, financially im not doing so great. I've tried everything like tailoring my resume, refining my portfolio, mentorship, stepping out of my comfort zone and attending networking events, and nothing seems to be working. I stay home most of the time and days go by where im starting to feel like time isnt real. For the past two weeks, my ocd has been flaring up really bad. Sometimes when im not occupied and stressed, my ocd creeps up and im scared. I feel like a burden and a failure. While I was in school, I was able to be in control with my ocd and i thought I was "cured." I want to ask why does these flare ups happen? i've dealtwith these intrusive thoughts before but whenever I have flare ups, it still triggers me.

My cat doesn't drink water and only eats wet food I read up on it a lot and read it was fine because he eats wet food I also saw people say they didn't necessarily need it because they eat mostly wet food and I've had my cat for a year now I've never owned a cat so I took that as they didn't necessarily need a water bowl so I didn't have one but I would add water to his food sometimes and he did have a water fountain but it broke so I thought it was okay for his to be without it and I added water occasionally but then saw others talking about it realized that my cat should still have water throughout the day I feel super bad about it I bought a water bowl as soon as possible and am ordering a water fountain when I get money from my boyfriend for it on Friday. I feel like the worst cat parent ever and i don't know how to move on from this. I feel very sad that I didn't know better. We took him to the vet about 5 times this year or maybe more because I was super anxious about his health which comes from my ocd. I am constantly worrying about his health. every time my vet said his hydration was good except for sick days when he vomited or had diarrhea which in that case I tried to add more water to his food. Has anyone else had an experience like this or similar and how do you move forward without the guilt eating at you? I really want the best for my cat but I feel like I'm not doing well enough. I just feel like a horrible person and I don't know if I can recover or be better from this but I think it's just my OCD but I'm not sure when I've asked people without ocd for advice they tell me to just move on... But I just feel a big weight on me and an immense amount of guilt. I often wonder how people can just move on so easily I don't understand it..

Hit me with dares I’ll try my best I have severe contamination and somatic ocd. I also have some embarrassing health issues pls don’t judge! Here’s my theme: \- I am worried I can’t clean my body enough. \- I feel I randomly pee esp in the shower so it keeps me in a cleaning loop \- Using the bathroom takes a while bc I need it to be perfect \- I often get stuff on my hands when wiping (and that grosses me out) but I touch the toilet seat and handle to flush so I’m terrified to touch them ever \- I change my underwear a lot… but here’s why: I have hemorrhoids from straining to get the “last drop” of pee or feeing til it feels “just right”. So now I can’t fully clean down there and am worried about getting stuff on my underwear. This one is tough to work around bc sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t, if I don’t wear white… I don’t. So in that moment do I assume I do and just can’t see it or do I assume since I can’t see it I move on? Idk! But I’m planning to just wear regular underwear and call it a day and accept that a small amount won’t change or ruin my life. \-I struggle with laundry bc I don’t want to touch the contaminated underwear! I miss my life SOOO much. So please… dare me… I’ll try my best. It’s been really bad lately so this is throwing me into the deep end. Pls be kind, pls don’t push too hard, and pls don’t make me do something gently unhygienic… toilet seat/handle/sink handle are OUT OF THE QUESTION because I touch it after Genuinely getting traces on my skin. Anyway… yes gross embarrassing probably need to work on my Hygiene…