- Date posted
- 7y
I feel like I’ve suffered from different types of ocd since like two years ago. I have had religious ocd where the thoughts really bothered me because I’m catholic and all of the sudden I got a thought that I could become a satanist. I used to scream out loud to myself to stop the thoughts. It eventually went away on its own. The thoughts pop back up every now and then but they don’t bother me nearly as much as they used to. Then when I was with my girlfriend at the time, there was a point in the relationship where I got a thought that I maybe got tired of her and that I didn’t love here anymore. That bothered me for like two months at one point but it also eventually went away and we continued. Now, this is where my world crippled and I’m messed up bad in my head. I have been suffering from depression for like 5 years. Keep in mind I’m 20. I have always and I mean always attracted to women all my life. If the thought of being gay would come to my head, it didn’t even last 2 seconds before it went away. This was in late June last year. I was with my best friend at the time (a guy) and we made plans for me to stay at his house for the night since my girlfriend was at a party. We used to do this anyway, we both are music producers so we spent hours making beats on his laptop. We got drunk and high throughout the night. He pulled out some porn on his phone and we started watching it pointing out the features of the girls in the video. Then we started masturbating and there was a point where he grabbed my junk and I did it also. We were like touching each other in complete silence while watching the video. I’m getting all time high anxiety while writing this. I eventually just finished the job on my own and when I was done my friend told me to give him a bj. I immediately told him no way. He went into his bathroom and when he was out of sight I immediately vomited all over his floor. I had to help him clean It since it was his house so. The next day we didn’t mention it and to this day we never have mentioned it. Keep in mind I was still with my girl at the time which made everything 5,000 times worse. I never told her and my head was messed up for like 2 months after that. My girlfriend ended up leaving 4 months after the situation but it was because of some relationship troubles that we were having since about a year ago. The breakup messed up my psyche a lot. I realized a couple months after the breakup that a part of me was with my girl to fuel my own ego and have everyones approval. Even though it seems like I didn’t, I really adored my girlfriend, she was my first everything, traveling, sex, sharing other first time experiences I mean everything. Though Im still working on getting over her, I have been suffering from the thought that I might be gay since like 2 months ago and its killing me. I feel no attraction to men but my mind is almost convincing me that that is truly what I want. I’ve even been avoiding sex with some girl friends of mine because I’ve also suffered from terrible performance anxiety for the majority of my sex life. I’ve tried to accept the thought that I might be bisexual but deep down I know that I’m straight even though my mind is telling me I want men. I’m also a big reassurance speaker and have tried to find professional help but I live in an area where it’s impossible to find some. I want to get over this because its tearing my life apart. I’m not homophobic, I have like 5 gay friends and I’m close to one of them, and I’ve never had an inclination to do anything sexual with men so these thoughts are disturbing and distressing to me. Keep in mind I also suffer from mad anxiety and different types of it. I love women but it seems I’ve become sexually neutered. I hate this I want to go back to how I was before. Sorry for the long message, I needed to get this off my chest. Thank you if you read this.