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the NOCD Community

Hi there! I don’t have any type of support nor can I afford the treatment so here is a little rant about what’s been going on. I’ve had pure o since I was a child and been dealing with it for years. I’m 16 now and since I could remember I had disgusting and disturbing images always screaming at me so it felt and it’s gone really worse over the years. I fear that I’ll think it’s ok and agree with the thoughts even though I know I’m nothing like what it says it’s so damaging it hurts so much. I’m drowning with doubt I’m so scared i don’t know what to do I feel like I’m losing myself I’m disgusted by myself and I’m even dissociating and have symptoms of schizophrenia it all feels like a way to cope though. I’ve been cutting as a way to cope as well because of the thoughts I feel like I deserve to be cut and be beaten I’m so scared I’ll get myself into dark places like relaying on drugs or bad people. I feel so alone I’m so uncomfortable all the time it is so exhausting it’s disgusting I feel so dead inside I’ve even attempted suicide 4 times maybe more i don’t know. I know In my heart I’m not a bad person and I love big but the thoughts and ugly unwanted feelings and manipulation makes it so hard for me i feel like it’s traumatized me even more from my childhood I just feel like I’m going insane. I also have Pocd which is the worst it has ruined my life i’m so depressed it’s so hard to talk about it I really hope it ends if not I’m not sure how long I will live for or where I’ll end up with my mental health. Thank you for listening! and if you are struggling as well I hold your hand with love and sympathy stay strong!!

in addition to exposures, talking to friends and family and therapy, what has helped you cope with ocd?

I’ll admit when I first started doing intimate things I was a very selfish lover, I thought my guy got his pleasure from pleasing me and it was also all I knew from porn. I didn’t stop to think he wanted to be pleased too and honestly avoided it (mostly due to anxiety and insecurities) until he expressed to me that I made him feel unattractive. Since that moment pleasing him took on a whole new meaning and as I gained confidence and experience I started enjoying it a lot more. Honestly I’ve always felt anxiety and fear around intimacy, it’s hard for me to be so vulnerable and even harder to feel “worthy” in bed. I always feel like there’s this standard I need to reach and that I need to think and feel and perform a certain way. Honestly, I don’t need sex in my relationship to be happy but it’s still something I really want to share with my partner and I really want to be that comfortable around each other and grow that passion. I feel like my rough start and trauma around sex means I’m doomed to ever have good sex with a man because my soocd makes me hyper focus on the overly-sexualized female erotica and porn and “male gaze” I grew up wanting to be. Girls is pure aesthetic , I find it attractive because I want to look like that. But with guys it’s about their smell, the shape and warmth of their body, their personality and energy. I feel like girls are more “aesthetic” but I’d much rather be with a decent guy with an amazing personality than say the most beautiful girl in the world. I hate my mind😒 last night I cried while listening to my playlist I made my boyfriend because I miss everything about feeling confident in my attraction and love to him.

Still awake nearly 2 am cuz the OCD thinks I'll get possessed if I fall asleep. Any feeling in my stomach or elsewhere my brain tries to use as proof. Any advice??.

How do you get over the guilt and a real event feeling like “evidence” when it was actually a bad thing that happened :(.

If I am stressed about something he did/didn't do (thinking that he couldn't be the one for me because of that), than we have a fight where I cry; we didn't solve nothing, but after I feel much better; is that fight a compulsion??

Anyone find that weed has helped them with ocd? I think I may be intolerant to thc and I’m trying to find a good cbd dominant strain that could help me.

Does this ever really goes away?????

I started taking citalopram around 2 weeks ago and my ocd has definitely been flaring up. Has anyone else experienced this?

Just did a big exposure and watched a lot of “ I thought I was straight until x” videos of women in hetero relationships realizing they were lesbians in their 20s and 30s and I’m so scared and uncertain. I feel like I would actually be insane to have made up all the feelings I have felt for men consistently over the years, and I’m simultaneously afraid I’m bi and just don’t know/can’t figure it out. Today is hard and a day when I feel like I don’t have ocd and I might just be lying.

Why is it when I feel love that’s when I know I love him!? But when I don’t feel love it’s like I really don’t love him at all…. 😞 it’s like I confirmed I don’t love him… but answering all theses questions my friend asked me showed me I still love him. But I am worried about not being in love… 😞 but when I feel love more I really do know I love him a and want to stay.

So my partner and I fought all day yesterday and some harsh things were said out of anger obviously. But ever since then my brain is just going on loops about breaking up with him and I can’t see out of it. Kind of struggling because it feels like I want it

I hate social media. Ran across a video on accident about measuring someone’s gayness and some guy said 2 and I was like oh I’m less than that and I said one but I should’ve said zero because I’m not gay at all! And now I keep happily saying two or even but I’m not two or 3 I’m in the negatives! What does it say about me that I said 1 I’m not actually gay at all! I am 0% goddamit

Please only adults read . . . This is so hard for me to get over. Months ago my husband and I were intimate. I wasn't in the mood but I did it for him since it had been a while. I get pocd intrusive thoughts so I avoid it a lot. This will be tmi but He was touching me for a while and I felt nothing. Wasn't getting in the mood Moments later i got an intrusive of my son's hand being there instead of my husband's. It wasn't an image and it was such a quick thought but I felt something down there. So I was like what?! What does this mean. But I focused to see if the feeling would go away. Then as my husband continued touching me I kept getting more in the mood. And we ended up continuing. I get intrusives happen during and right at the end but before you even get in the mood as your partner is trying to get you in the mood? It doesn't seem right to me.

It’s funny because when I wake up I’m feeling really bad but then I calm down during the day , and the next day it’s the same cycle over again , everything involving men can be a trigger for me

** TW ** Guys I’m reaching out for help. Has Anyone experience this I work closing shifts. And for the past three or four days I’ve been taking Flexeril to help me sleep which is a muscle relaxer that sometimes can cause abnormal thinking and dreaming like on its own let alone with OCD‘s help. But I didn’t take a muscle relaxer last night. Last night I took a full dose of Tylenol p.m. And I fell asleep around 1:30 AM maybe? And my sleep was fine I had no dreams but I woke up Max 10 minutes ago probably less to use the restroom and I’m scared because I imagined for whatever reason I really jerky guy and a girl and I was panicking because like I had to tell him myself to chant that I don’t wanna kiss the girl but for whatever reason I was comparing that person to the jerky guy but I don’t even know who he is by the way. This isn’t really a dream this was like right before I fully woke up by opening my eyes. And I said in my own voice so to speak if you know what I mean that I would but I don’t want to kiss the girl and now my heart is pounding in my palms are sweating. I’d rather kiss of horrible mean guy than a nice girl I don’t want girls. No matter how nice or supposedly good looking I don’t like thinking good looking because I don’t see them like that. And now I can’t stop thinking when I don’t want the way a woman’s anatomy looks in any state I don’t like the way they hang and I want guys and pectorals to come back

Why is soocd so confusing?? Anyone else’s OCD just bring up past experiences and make you believe that it could mean you’re the opposite sexual orientation you are? I identify as a straight female but in the past I had thoughts I could have been bi so it made me think I was even though I’ve never actually liked a girl? Idk. I’m so confused. I’m not attracted to women, I’ve always been super boy crazy. I just feel super alone in this regardless of all the similar experiences other people go through. I can’t watch tv, work is really hard because I have to talk to other women, certain clothes trigger me, hanging out with friends is hard, being lovey to my boyfriend is hard, even looking at myself is hard. I don’t feel like me. I’m just so confused and so lost. My OCD really sparked back in October and since it’s just gotten progressively worse. I have therapy today, and I’m looking forward to it. Anxiety and OCD is so hard. It effects me of every moment of every day, in everything I do. Im just so tired. Anyone have exposures that may help with this??

Anyone with HOCD struggling to open up to family members in fear that it means you are “coming out,” even though you don’t not want to have these thoughts? I have kept all of my intrusive thoughts in and want to open up to my family but I know it will make them look at me differently because these thoughts go against our values and have never been something I have had before. My biggest fear is that by sharing this with them and beginning my ERP that these thoughts will become true, which is the last thing I want.

Me and my partner have been together for almost 3 years now. We live together and own a pet together and haven’t encountered many major problems except for some bad arguing, but we’ve always gotten through it. I went out one night and danced (physical touch involved) and flirted with another man. I didn’t cheat but I crossed a line I felt sick with guilt and confessed everything. He took it really well and understood everything I was saying, though he was hurt and angry - he said he just needs some time, I guess to process it? He said we’ll be okay, our relationship will be fine and nothing is going to change and he still loves me, he’s just not exactly going to feel warm to me right now. This whole situation, however, led me on to confess on more examples of me being flirty with other men. One time I was out and a similar situation occurred, not as bad, I didn’t physically dance with him. I also had a flirty relationship with a work colleague - it was never anything bad and I also worked with his girlfriend but he once messaged me and he must’ve been being very flirty (again, I don’t think it was anything crossing lines) and I flirted back, but then I deleted the messages which was bad, but I told my boyfriend this too. I suffer with OCD, which makes me overthink, so now any situation or example of me being disrespectful that I remember, even if they’re not awful and he doesn’t need to know, or even if I can’t remember them fully, I feel this insatiable need to confess. If I don’t tell him straight away it eats me alive for hours and even if I can convince myself for an hour or so that it’s okay, it’s not a big deal and probably not worth him knowing, I still convince myself to tell him, which I think is making matters worse. Basically, I’m seeking reassurance and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know what to do, I feel I’m stuck in an endless cycle of confessions, it’s driving me insane. It’s affecting our relationship more than the actual actions are. Please, can anyone help?

ITS REALLY LONG SORRY BUT IF SOMEONE HAS TIME OR WANT TO HELP ME, I WOULD BE HAPPY :) This is my 3rd post about this,sorry... I still not understand what is the difference between Suicidal ideations and feelings, and Suicidal Ocd... Everyone write down both things differently, like i understand the first thing is that you feel that you want to kill yourself, but there is the "ideation" where you just think that bc you feel hopeless but you dont want to do it and youre affraid of it and feel shame that you have. And suicidal ocd is the same, you have thoughts about suicide, youre affraid of it and you feel shame. Like i understand that planning your death is a different thing, i would count that as suicidal behavior and danger, but when you have thought about it then you feel affraid of it and even shame that you think like that bc you dont want to do it, then i would say that that sounds like ocd... like when i was almost healed from anxiety, i had really good days and still sometimes my mind randomly imagined that i hurt myself and when i felt good i didnt cared about it but when i felt bad i started to question why i have these and if i have ocd or im really suicidal, and when i said that its just ocd i felt better and i wasnt affraid that i will do it... but after months its still here and im still confused what i have. I know i struggled with meaning and i felt hopeless about things in the months but what if hopeless can trigger suicidal ocd? What if that thoughts was just ocd thoughts and the feelings are to bc when i felt them i always knew that they are bad and wrong, but lets say these random feeling of wanting to die isnt ocd but what i read about it on the net, this isnt suicidal behavior, this dont means that you will kill yourself, nearly everyone has thoughts like they want to die when things seems like hopeless, but that goes away with time. And i think that i had this but then the random thoughts and images of hanging myself and hurting myself was ocd bc while or few seconds after that i felt wrong for thinking it, i was affraid "what if i do it, what if i lose my mind and will do it" and i remember when was so sensitized bc of the fight with my mind, i even had a thought that everything would be better if i would die, it would be better for me too, and after that imediately everything went away and i thought "why you think this? Whats wrong with you man, this is bad" and i think that if someone is really suicidal, he or she wont have this reaction. I could give more exemples like the feeling of the urge to do what the thoughts says but ocd has the same too, so i will end it here bc its to long now, but yeah share your opinions, what you think, bc it seems like Suicidal ideations(not planning) are suicidal ocd if you feel bad about it and youre affraid of it...and you can even convince yourself that youre planning your death or you want to die bc before that i never had that but when i read about this planning, i was like oh i did not have that, then im safe, and my mind was like "did you really? What if you will have?" And since then i have intrusive thought that i planned in the past or that im planning my death... so yeah its a really confusing thing...