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the NOCD Community

How do I know if my harmful thoughts of myself are ocd or depression? My mind tells me nonstop to grab a gun and shoot myself but I’m also aware of the fact that I have much to live for, despite what my mind tells me. I also view taking your life as morally wrong (to me). This all started as a thought but now it feels like it’s straight on depression and it could be real. Anyone else gone through this? I fear it’s depression because I’ve internally thought about how no one likes me and it’ll never change or get better, despite knowing that nothing is ever permanent, why can’t I just change my thinking 😭 I fear that my erp won’t help me and I’ll still lose control of myself.

Are you guys comfortable enough in telling about your OCD struggle to your family and friends??

I’m scared I was trying to calm down my cat because she was a little stressed out and I’m like you’re fine you’re fine and then said you’re not but I like but I’m not bisexual and I don’t know where that came from because it was totally unrelated to what I was doing! And then I saw a picture of an outfit I took a picture of like years ago and I said that I don’t love women’s bodies and I imagine them naked and I don’t wanna be bisexual and I’m scared I said must be I’m not gay I’m not bisexual I’m not like my neighbors daughter I’m not like some old person I used to know from school I’m not bisexual! I don’t love women’s bodies and now I’m smiling over boobs naked sticking out like I do and I mostly I’m not bisexual I don’t love women’s bodies I don’t love naked boobs! I’ve been trying to fight the compulsion to talk about stuff by deleting this app repeatedly clearly doesn’t work but at least I try and when I looked up NOCD in the App Store another health app popped up before it in the woman’s boobs sticking out and I’m like I don’t like it I kept looking but it’s like this is not pleasant but now in my head I’m acting like I don’t like naked I’m fine I do I don’t wanna start liking the way boobs stick off I’m not bisexual I’m scared him I’m not bored of guys I keep acting like I don’t want guys to have boobs I don’t want anything sticking off they’re just like triangles I’m not perfect or else I don’t like the way boobs stick out so why am I acting like when they’re not sexy why am I trying to act like that in my head

I’ve always wanted men I’ve always been straight. My heart is straight my heart wants men well one in particular not really plural but you know. And I just now shook my head and said not but my heart is straight my heart is straight I was gonna say more importantly my body but they’re basically equal my heart is straight my body wants men. So why do I feel this tight feeling in my chest hard area and a rush thing women I don’t want women and men my heart wants men why am I shaking my head in the negative my heart wants my my heart does not want women why would it feel better adding when I just want men. One man I usually go referencing to my guy him/men like men broadly him specifically and then adding him such I don’t want women I don’t understand! My heart want him abs my body wants men. I’m scared I feel so detached like I don’t care I don’t wanna lose it for my guy like he’s not just some other guy I don’t ever wanna lose my feelings and I shrug and say so but I don’t wanna move on. I really really hope that this weird emotionless or really distant feeling has something to do with the meds I took they’re not prescribed to me but they help me sleep. Flexeril. It’s a muscle relaxer I really should take them 😞

Please help me So I am married to my amazing husband and I don’t want anybody else ever. I work with a bunch of guys and I really became attached to one of the guys whom I saw more like a “big brother”. I told my husband about this person who always helps me when I have questions. Recently, a comment was brought up about him and I flirting back and forth. I’ll be honest, I thought he was cute, but would never choose him over my husband. I didn’t think we were flirting though because he was helping me at work with questions I had and he was actually nice to me. Of course my intrusive thoughts came in and sexual images/thoughts took place causing me anxiety. But still would never want him in that way. I told my mom about it and she said “well do you have feelings for him? And think about him all the time?” And my anxiety has spiraled and spiraled about the “what If I do?” and now I’m sitting in a dark hole thinking I’ve cheated on my husband and that I don’t love him anymore and I just need someone to talk to please. Now it feels like it’s all true. I don’t know what to do. I never once thought of getting physical with this person and constantly talked about my husband to him. I want nobody else but my husband.

So now it seems like I get annoyed when I’m attracted to the opposite sex? Literally never satisfied! I hate this disease… making things that weren’t even ‘things’ seem like truth, taking away things that I knew were true and turning them into lies. Everyday I will get 5-10 mins of feeling happy and that the thoughts are just thoughts and that my past doesn’t matter and doesn’t have to effect the decisions I make now. But then it disappears, if I let my guard down for two seconds because I’m distracted it just comes back and feels more real and I spend the rest of the day depressed about it. And that last sentence just sounds like actually the ocd was right all along. Because I have to compulsive to feel good again?!? I don’t understand it. When I feel straight I feel happy (but my brain tells me it’s a lie), when I feel gay I feel depressed and annoyed with my life. What one is it? Surely it’s happiness but the happiness now feels like a lie!

THINGS TO NEVER FORGET ABOUT OCD: (This will not cause distress but may or may not offer relief depending on the person, so read at your own risk) •No matter how small the matter may logically appear, if it causes doubt followed by intense distress, it's ocd. No matter what it is. It could be "why the cheese has three holes and not four?", as long as this causes you distress, it's something you value and therebefore prey for the 'ocd monster'. •The emotional distress followed by the possibility of this thought being real is what makes you believe it actually is. You should let it and once you manage to control this intense distress by constant exposure, you'll be able to think clearly again and recognize yourself as you know deep down that you are, not as the extremely convincing and awful way the ocd presents you. By accepting these thoughts as possible you WON'T become what you fear, you will just grow as a person, you will become STRONGER. •Ocd will do ANYTHING to stop you from accepting these thoughts and try to manipulate you into trying to logically attack it via physical or not ways that will only reinforce it instead. It will use you like a puppet by giving you, a much needed for the vulnerable you, false sense of security. This false sense of security will make you used to a calm, fragile state which will make you easier to break once it decides to also use its "special" moves for a final attack. And then this futile circle will keep on repeating and repeating and repeating until it sucks the life out of you. •You ARE capable of beating this, even if you don't see it now because it's hidden. Hidden doesn't mean it doesn't exist. You are the only one that can fight your own self and win.You will feel futile, you will want to give up, you will lose but you will get up again and that is a NATURAL normal process. Don't EVER let it stop you. Remember, you may NOT be in control of your thoughts but you ARE in control of your actions. Not your ocd, not your insecuties and certainly not your fears. Only you.

Fear of Insomnia Hi, So I don’t know if anyone can relate to this, I have a fear of insomnia. It started a long long time ago and it was so much worse, it cause me a lot of anxious moments and nights crying but it’s been great for a few tears but I still am scared here and there, today I slept a lot ang I’m scared I may not get sleepy tonight and not be able to sleep wich is absolutely horrific to think about it, suffice to say it’s not going great for me right now, I just want some tips on how to be less anxious about this and tips on falling asleep, also I feel like this is tied to my OCD especially since it’s a heavily routine based fear and honestly any vast deviation from my normal routine makes me feel ungrounded, I appreciate any help you can offer

As someone with rocd is it normal to feel uncomfortable with your boyfriend talking to his ex/someone he had sex with? My boyfriend is extremely understanding and loyal but it still makes me uncomfortable that some of his best friends are people he had sex with. I'm not trying to seek reassurance I just genuinely don't know if this is my rocd talking or not you know??

Hi guys I just downloaded this app like 10 minutes ago and this is my first post. I’m a 20 year old college student and I think I have really severe OCD. When I tell you I doubt EVERYTHING, it’s true. Everything I say is filtered like 10 times in my head before I say it, and then after I say it I immediately go over what I said to make sure I said it perfectly. Also, I do things over and over again until they are perfect. Like yesterday I recorded a birthday video for my friend and I think I started over like 50 times. Not an exaggeration. I also have some bad family problems. My older sister (24 y/o) has borderline personality disorder and my whole life she’s been violent and aggressive to me and my parents. Its taken a huge toll on all of us and now I literally cannot talk to any of my family anymore. Part of this is probably trauma, but its partly also having “rules” that I can’t talk to them. Its weird. I feel like there is not a soul who understands my suffering and I go to a rich private college where I feel like people are especially “normal”, and I kinda wanna drop out. Is there anyone in a similar position? I’d love someone to talk to <3

death cw how do you deal with knowing you’re going to have to die someday? this is eating away at me so bad. i can’t go a single night without thinking that i’ll die eventually, or that i’ll die in my sleep. it makes me sick to my stomach. it doesn’t help that i don’t know what i believe religiously either. i think i’m agnostic. if you’re gonna comment and try to tell me i shouldn’t be agnostic or anything, please don’t. it’s going to freak me out.

“I go before you always” -God ✝️

[VENT] How does one deal with the fact that every waking moment you have some sort of v!olent or s€xual thoughts that they can’t control? Sometimes I want to gouge my eyes out with forks or rip out my vocal cords while I yell and scream. Pop a skull from the connected spine or boil something alive. As for the s€xual aspects I can’t even put it into words without the v!olent thoughts towards myself peeking through from guilt. It feels awful. I don’t want to live like this. To have strange aches from not being to physically h@rm myself or another. It just feels like there’s something wrong with me, probably because there clearly is. But I don’t know what it is. Is it OCD or is it just being f’d up in the head? How do people cope? It just seems so strange to me, especially since there’s no one I know that has these same thoughts. Not in my family and as far as I know not in my friends either. Am I a problem? Is it something fixable? Or am I just broken? I don’t know. All I really know is that I ain’t right and so far nothing seems to help. TL;DR Brain no worky. Must replace. </3

people don't talk enough about the intrusive feelings that come with the thoughts, or even before them. my sister had a baby and i haven't been able to function right since. i know they're just thoughts but the thing is they aren't *just* thoughts. the feelings/urges my mental illness makes me have have infiltrated every crack in my brain at the moment. it is painful to live or breathe.

I feel like I’m going crazy. Yesterday I knew I wanted my bf. Today I feel different . I don’t even know what I want anymore I feel like I can’t trust myself. I’m so disconnected. I’m so scared. I feel every emotion but I can’t cry. I’m so on edge. One minute I feel like our relationship is worth it next I feel like we are doomed and there’s no going back. I don’t even know what emotion I’m feeling. I feel crazy. Someone help. Is this even rocd. Or do I actually feel this way about him shi I’m scared to let go. I wanna disappear.

Hope for all of us I want to share something that has been helpful for me and I believe it can be helpful for others. We are not OCD. We are not anxiety. We are not fear. We could be struggling and battling with all of that but we aren't any of that. It's not our identity. It's not who we are. Fear deceive us into thinking that it emanated from us. From our own identity and mind but that's just a lie. The problem is we assume it's us and we've been conditioned in fear and anxiety that we think is us and that there's something wrong with us that if we could only fix or get rid of we could be good and normal. What a load of crap. We aren't bad or need any fixing. We just need unconditional Love. We need to love ourselves compassionately and accept ourselves. Easier said than done right? You see, we think that if we accept ourselves we are accepting the intrusive thoughts and what they say and we start to panic thinking that maybe we are what the thoughts are suggesting which in turn makes us obsesses and in desperation we try to solve or fix that which is not the problem in reality, the thoughts by doing a compulsion. But again, it's all a lie. Accepting ourselves doesn't mean we don't see and recognize our struggles and weaknesses. It means that even though we see all of that in us we choose not to judge and condemn ourselves and instead we treat ourselves with the Love, kindness and compassion, which is actually what we need. See? Our problem is not a broken brain or broken thinking. Our problem is a Love problem. We just need to learn, with patience and practice, to love ourselves and see ourselves separate from any thought that comes to our minds. This is my conclusion: "I'm not the thoughts that enter into my mind. Nor I am fear and anxiety or even OCD. I am just me and that's more than ok". Does that mean I have it all figured it out and I don't struggle like you? No! I still struggle. But I'm beginning to understand who I really am and I have decided to love myself even when it's hard and in the midst of my struggle. And guess what? You can do it too. It's not about feeling like it or waiting for the perfect moment when we are better. Tell me, when will that be? It's today that you and I need compassionte Love. So why not start giving it to ourselves today even if we don't even know fully how? To all of you I say: "God bless you my OCD brothers and sisters. To me you are awesome". Virtual hug 🫂

Hi everyone, I really, really could use some support and encouragement today. I had the same thought stuck in my head for the last 3 months. Literally thought about it while I was giving birth 2 months ago. I ended up confessing it today because I didn’t know how else to explain to my partner what was going on. He struggles to understand why I obsess if there isn’t something bigger going on. It’s so hard that others don’t understand. It’s so hard that the thoughts feel so real even when we don’t have evidence for them. It’s so hard that I resisted confessing for three months and still had the same thought. It’s so hard that I confessed, and as predicted, another thought took its place. Now he goes back to work next week from his paternity leave and I will be home with a 2 month old all day every day. I’m so scared I won’t be able to handle this.

Question for someone that's fairly far in recovery: Do you still so ERP every day? Or just when you feel like ocd is taking overhand again? I sometimes have weeks (or even over a month) where I feel absolutely fine. Then out of the blue its there again for a few weeks etc. I'm wondering if I should do ERP even when I'm feeling fine for a while. Bc doing it is kinda re triggering and I'm happy when I can get my mind of it. Thoughts? :)

Hi. My question is if someone is in their late 60s and has had severe OCD for their whole life, is it reasonable to expect they will get improvement from doing exposure therapy? I ask because a close family member has severe OCD. She's had it her whole life and it is so engrained. She is a hoarder, throws away food before its date, has obsessions about technology, food, cleanliness, covid, what she says to people, chemicals, etc. I have OCD too and when I found out about my OCD I realised she has it too and be sent to counselling. She went to the same therapist that I did. Within eight weeks of my therapy I'd made a hierarchy, started exposure, etc. She had about 15-20 sessions and she hadnt really started exposure or challenging compulsions. And the theprist was talking more about reasoning through things. I wondered if this was because she thoguht my grandma is so bad that she isnt going to be able to get through the exposure and stop her compulsions like I managed to (over two years. But I am now almost anxiety free.) She stopped therapy but wasnt really better, because she hasnt started breaking the OCD cycle and still doesnt properly understand her compulsions. She asks me for advice on how to deal with obsessions etc. As we are close. And I talked to her about exposure (slowly and controlled obviously) But I dont know if that's the right thing to suggest for her. She felt more anxious having counselling as it makes you bring everything up. I found my theory so helpful but I was a teenager at the time. She has had OCD without knowing about it for over 60 years. Is it too late for her to have any real improvement. I dont want to push her into counselling or exposure if there isnt much chance she can change her OCD much now. I ask this because I love her and dont want to make things worse for her. Please let me know about severe OCD that has been going on for many decades... is there chance of much improvement or will she be happier carrying on doing her obsessions and compulsions without interference as she has for the last 60 years? I just want the best for her

The anxiety is so jarring man, someone please see my last post.