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i can't accept and forgive myself for having pocd.

As the title says, I've been having difficulty quitting bad habits. I cut out all junk food from my diet as well as alcohol and pornography. I've lost 10 pounds in the last two months and have 15 more to go. However, I'm stuck in a thought loop of telling myself that I haven't engaged in those bad habits "correctly" the last time I did them. For example, the last time I had alcohol was at my friend's wedding in October, and I had two sweet alcoholic drinks. This feels wrong to me because in my mind it should have been a beer, the standard alcoholic drink, during a regular day of the week. This has been circling in my mind since I had alcohol back in October. I guess I could have a beer to make things "just right" but I am on medications and I'm not supposed to drink alcohol. I also have the same obsession with taking medications, I feel like the day I started taking medications was not the "right day" to start and that I should've waited until a different time to start. I also have the same thoughts with junk food. Chips, ice cream, soda, pastries. I keep thinking about how I should've had a bit of a ceremony about the last time I had these items to mark the event instead of just randomly cutting them out of my life. The same can be said about quitting pornography as well - I keep feeling like the last time I used it it wasn't "just right" and that I need to do it one last time perfectly. Does anyone have any suggestions about how I can get rid of these thoughts? I've talked to therapists about this before and it hasn't seemed to help. I honestly can't sleep most nights because of the thoughts that something feels "off". I'm losing hope, life is incredibly difficult most days because I can't get these thoughts out of my mind. I am currently on 112.5 mg of Effexor daily and I'm planning on increasing my dosage until I feel my OCD waning away.

Does anyone else ever ask themselves if they love their partner and sometimes the answer is no and sometimes the answer is yes? Is asking myself this a compulsion if most of the time I don’t get the answer I want? Also, in an Awaken into Love video, she suggested that if you tell yourself something for long enough you’ll believe it so I’m wondering if I’ve obsessed so long over whether or not I love my boyfriend that I truly believe I don’t love him.

It's hit me so hard lately that I have pretty much no support system to support my mental health outside of my therapist. I have a couple friends but they don't struggle with mental health like I do, so I don't really feel that I can go to them for much. What has hit me the most lately is that not even my own girlfriend can be a support for me. Despite her having several mental health problems herself, whenever I am struggling with something, she says that I am doing it to myself and is the furthest away from any sort of support.

I have OCD where my triggers revolve around contamination, harm, and a few others sprinkled in there. My compulsion is to “confess” to find relief from the anxiety and guilt. My wife is the recipient of the confessions. We are going through a divorce right now and unfortunately do not have another option but to live together until a future date. I have begun to notice that she will respond to the confessing by belittling me. Today, just a bit ago, she told me I am like and 8 year old child after I confessed to “mommy.” This happened after I had cut up some mango and sifted through her bowl with my hand to make sure no rind was there. The contamination OCD came into focus and I told her that I did that and she went on this tirade. I told her it was me just telling her but I knew and she knew that it was a confession. Ot is hard for me to be honest about it sometimes because I feel sick over it when she becomes so angry. She tells me that I think she is dumb for trying to say it isn’t a confession, but that I am dumb for doing it and thinking that she doesn’t see it as a confession. She went on to say that I am repulsive and used that word a couple of times in this moment. She also told me that I owe her an apology. So I said I am sorry three times. I can’t tell you how awful this makes me feel about myself. There are other examples but this just happened so I wanted to share. Thanks for reading.

How do you know if you’re bisexual or it is just OCD triggering you that you might feel attracted to the same sex? This is bothering me so much since I feel like I can’t step into a relationship while I’m still struggling with my orientation

for couples who have been together for a good amount of time is it normal to not always feel “ in love” all the time ? that it comes and goes ?

i’ve talked about this before but i’m still having a hard time lol basically i like this boy and we’re almost to the point of dating but i’m getting the idea i manifested him and i can’t remember if i did or not and i keep telling myself it’s not true but i’m having such a hard time believing it. the guilt is the worst part like i’m taking away his free will, that it’s not consensual, etc.

i want to start erp therapy but i’m so afraid to say my thoughts out loud bc even though i know i don’t be judged i’m so scared bc i feel like the therapist might judge me in her head and that i’ll be extremely embarrassed

The biggest question i ask myself sometimes Is: What if it's not OCD, what if i'm really a bad person and i can cause suffering around me? What if i'm only a burden? And even if it's OCD, who can tell me that one day, tired of all these thoughts, i will or will not harm myself or others? I don't remember who i was before and i feel lost and alone, i just want my life back..

At the end of February I started having very bad self harm ocd. I don’t want to die. I have a great life. Anyways I gave my firearms to a friend and then the self harm ocd went away. Since then it’s been constant harm ocd and ruminations. Basically full anxiety all day every day. It’s unbearable at work. Im scared and getting discouraged and depressed. I hate these thoughts and they truly scare me. Part of me thinks that going to inpatient mental health for a few days would help but the other part tells me it’s just a reassurance seeking thing. The worst part about the thoughts is it makes you think “oh I must want to do this because this thought didn’t cause anxiety” or you should, have to, urges. Things like that. I have my second appt with my therapist on here tomorrow and all I want to do is go to sleep. Life is a wreck right now and I don’t know where else to go. And the self harm ocd Kicks in and it’s like well just have to do it if you aren’t gonna get better which introduces more anxiety. Thanks for listening.

Her ocd is all about the fear of hospitals, medicine, the government is after us etc.. I was in on it until recently. I'm the eldest in a family of three siblings, I talk to my dad a lot more now that me and my mom don't share the same beliefs anymore. I feel like I'm taking his side in this.. and it feels like I'm causing a lot of conflict between my parents. While my mom's behavior is very controlling (she takes his painkillers, "bad" products, instilles fear) etc. And I was in on this.. I feel bad over having been in on it but yeah. I just blame myself rn for potentially causing a big rupture in my family. It's not my fault.. yet I see her side as we both have ocd. She needs help, and she won't get it any time soon. I'm gonna talk to my therapist. Idk wether to keep the peace (in which my dad is controlled, so it's not really peace) or to "side" with dad. Both feel terrible.

The whole story starts from when I was little (8-9-10 years old). I had a tiny voice in my mind where he was telling me (look at this guy's dick because otherwise a relative of yours will get something bad) I as a small child did not know what was happening and I just did it. Then these thoughts left. At some point in my 10s, these thoughts were so intense that I had to tell my mom that I might be gay because I have these thoughts. (I have always liked women and I clearly remember that the first girl I liked was when I was 6 years old. After some years at the age (12-13) thoughts appeared in my mind that my relatives would suffer something bad and in order for this not to happen I had to make my cross. I remember doing my cross more than 20 times a day. This stopped when I went 15. And now we are reaching the age I am now. At 18. After a difficult period of adjusting to a demanding job (intense stress). I got the idea that I was gay. Strong thoughts that my sexuality will change and more. But I remember always being afraid that others would think I was gay, when I was never. NEVER but NEVER did I like a man, I had never seen a man erotically. But I always envied others because of my low self-esteem. These thoughts (am I gay ?, do others think I'm gay?) Start from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep. I can not be left without a cell phone or music because otherwise my mind will swallow me. Only when I read articles about HOCD do I find peace. 80 days ago I started working for the first time. It was a demanding job. I had to wake up every day at 5 o'clock in the morning (while before work I slept at 5 o'clock in the morning ..) I fought it for 5 days. These 5 days I had a lot of stress before bed. I was anxious because I had to sleep and I was pushing myself a lot. There were times when I could not breathe due to stress and I was ready to vomit. So I made the decision to resign. When my parents pressured me to explain to them what made me make this decision EXACTLY at that moment, the idea that I was gay entered my mind. I quickly got up from the couch and immediately went to throw up. I went to cry. The next day I read some articles by some people who said they understood their homosexuality at an old age and so I started thinking I was gay. All these thoughts made me anxious and intensely disgusted. I did not know where they came from. I never liked men. I used to say that some people were beautiful simply because they had characteristics that I would like to have. From a young age, however, I was anxious. Am I gay? That is, when I dreamed about the future. One day I will grow up and marry a beautiful woman and have children, a small voice in my mind was asking me, what if you are gay ?? But I never paid attention to her. I don't ask for reassurance but i really want to know what is going on with me.

I really just want to go to sleep. I’m so exhausted with these thoughts and this guilt. I feel so gross. I literally want to just die. I was playing sims 4 & my sim had a son. when he became a teen he was a cute teenager so I thought “oh I’ll make a sim that will be with him (as a gf)” and then I just started being bombarded with thoughts like “oh wow ur attracted to ur son” “why would you want to play as another character to date your son” “ur so disgusting that’s ur son why would you want to date him” “ur disgusting that’s incest” and I just feel so horrible. i really didn’t mean anything by thinking it but I just feel so disgusted omg. I’m so freaking sick of myself and these thoughts. I don’t even know how to feel. what does anyone think?? someone please give their thoughts. it’s something new everyday. i get worked up over the “smallest” things but is this really small or was what I thought not okay??? I promise im not some incest freak.

All my life I had labeled myself as bisexual. And I was OK with that! It never really made me uncomfortable or doubt. Even know, when I think about the possibility of me being bisexual, or just straight I feel alright and normal!! I don’t have a SOCD crap attack over it! BUT when me being a lesbian is involved, that’s when my OCD explodes!! Anyone else get like that?

I’m worried that I am taking too long to get better. I have been doing erp therapy for 9 months now😬.

Would love to hear some of your recovery stories or progress reports since starting therapy.

Hi… I struggle severely with ROCD. I’ve been married for 7.5 years and my husband and I have an amazing relationship. It’s one that I am extremely lucky to have because he is such a wonderful and good man. The only thing we really have ever had fights about, is my ROCD. Im afraid he will lose interest in me, or see/meet someone that he will desire more than me and he will leave me for them. I do KNOW he is not that type of man to be disloyal or step out on our family. I KNOW he loves me, but because cheating is still a possibility for any human being, no matter how perfect they may seem, I’m terrified as if it is inevitable and will happen one of these days. He has never given me a reason to think he will do this. My current issue I’m running into is sex/nudity in the media. I was raised believing R rated movies are absolutely not okay and are sinful if you watch them. He was raised believing R rated movies were fine to watch. Because of the type of OCD I have, R rated movies don’t bother me other than if it has nudity in it. I see it as being pornographic and inappropriate for people in a committed relationship to view. He says he doesn’t watch because of the nudity, but just because it is a good movie and he believes I’m being controlling and over-reactive about my desire for us to not watch anything with nudity in it. He doesn’t watch anything with nudity out of respect for me but will occasionally bring up movies/shows he wants to watch but “can’t” because it has nudity in it and it would cause me to have a panic attack. I feel like his desire to see these movies must matter more to him than my fears/feelings. Then again, nudity is EVERYWHERE nowadays and I feel there is no escaping it. So I do think it is something I need to get past and stop letting it control my life. Am I in the wrong here for having these feelings? I believe I take it to the extreme and something needs to be done about that, but I do think seeing these things is inappropriate. I fear he will compare me to other women even if they are on tv. He tells me that will never happen. I don’t know what to do to get past this horrific anxious feeling if he comes across nudity in some way. Anyone else experience this? Sorry for the novel.

I have only recently come to terms with OCD and decided to do something about it. I have found that I no longer have any desire to be around anyone who isn’t part of the OCD community. I don’t want to talk to anyone else. I want only to be around people I can share things with and not face judgment or the “Oh my god, that’s insane” response I know I will get from anyone on the outside. I don’t know if this is just a normal part of early recovery but I really feel like disappearing from the rest of the world and only engaging with this new community I have become part of (albeit against more than 30 years of resistance). Has anyone who is farther along in recovery experiences this and come out of it? Is anyone else also in the early stages and feeling this way? I can’t decide whether or not it’s healthy but I can’t help but think I shouldn’t be isolating from friends and family to spend all of my waking hours focused on this. Maybe it’s just part of the agreement we have with OCD that anything new becomes an obsession… Anyway, I just wanted to share and see if anyone else has experienced this.

I'm currently visiting my third therapist in the last three years and none of them have helped me so far. None of them have given me any type of diagnosis so I'm not even sure if I actually have OCD, and it's driving me mad. The last session I had, I even felt like it made things worse rather that it helped. I wanna feel that trust to my therapist that you should feel to be able to share your emotions but I don't. I feel like its not going anywhere, like it's useless. Lately I've been thinking about finding a therapist here at NOCD, I've even looked up some specific people and they all seem really nice and sweet.