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the NOCD Community

How easy is it to stop your compulsions, how do you feel when you don’t do them, what are some coping strategies. Is praying constantly for my health considered a compulsion?

TMI: I tested yesterday with a same-sex thought and I became extremely aroused and I was about to you know what. No anxiety, no disgust was involved. It just really seems that don’t have Hocd anymore. I did have it at the beginning but maybe not anymore. I just think I’m in denial at this point because I don’t want to go through the heartache of having to tell my religiously conservative family and potentially never experiencing having a girlfriend, a wife and kids. And yet, it’s weird because even though I think I’ve become bisexual girls don’t excite me anymore as they used to (I feel like it’s fake) and the other day I was watching a movie and the women there induced an intense feeling of disgust, like I almost threw up. How did I go from someone who was insanely into every part of a girl to someone who has to worry if I will feel disgusted with them? None of this makes any sense

Can someone tell me if this is a real crush? Anytime I hear my female coworkers name or anything that involves her I get really nervous. I feel like when she is around I also get nervous and start acting weird and uncomfortable. I sometimes will think to myself wow she’s awesome and then I’m like nervous all over again and I imagine myself having a life with her and I think I like it? And then I imagine myself being sexual with her and I can’t tell if it makes me uncomfortable or if I want it. Also when she’s around, I can’t stop these thoughts. In the past, when I’ve had a crush, it has felt like this and I would wish the thoughts would stop so i could focus on myself and my work. Ive been obsessive about past crushes in this same way. I feel like I’ve had the thought once of like oh maybe I have a crush on this person and now I can’t think of them any other way. I truly can’t tell what it is but it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I can’t say oh it’s hocd because it really does feel like past crushes. I get so nervous around her. I imagine myself kissing her and it first it feels warm, like I do want it and then I immediately get anxious. I feel like the anxiety is coming from denial and not from hocd. I can’t calm down and I can’t stop thinking about it. It makes me sad and I can’t think about my boyfriend now without feeling like I’ve betrayed him and myself and now I feel like I don’t like my boyfriend.

Tried to expose myself to the thing i feared today and totally clammed up. Pushed so hard to do it.. Intense ruminating.. Tried to talk it down.. Then pushed on and knew that i had do it to get better. But in the end I failed and didn't do the exposure.. This is mentally torture :( How do i push in through while having these hyper responsibility ocd thoughts?

Does anyone else ever have this thought?: I feel like I am too smart for therapy to work. I am afraid that therapy is just a person who has never experienced these sensations (though they are intelligent and well meaning) rationalizing what is going on. I am afraid that I am treatment resistant. That I will always have these thoughts. I’ve gotten to a point where I can do exposures at any time. Sometimes they cause me distress, sometimes they do not. Being gay isn’t a choice, so why am I trying to solve it that way? No, I’m not worried about the religious implications. Sure, I’m worried about the social implications. Who wouldn’t be? I just need to admit this and move on. I’ve been dealing with this for 13 years, so I really am skeptical to the idea that these thoughts aren’t at least somewhat true. Do I want them to be? Of course not. But it’s not a choice. I can understand OCD about other topics as totally true. POCD, contamination, harm. These are topics that are about harming oneself or others. HOCD, though, isn’t about hurting yourself or others. It’s about keeping up a false pretense about yourself. I am a very accepting person. I’ve never had a problem with anyone of another race, creed, gender, orientation, or otherwise. How can I claim that, though, if I keep living with this fear? It makes no sense.

My daughter has OCD. Her father has it as well. She started exhibiting symptoms in kindergarten y washing her hands raw thinking she had germs from school. Then Covid hit and her OCD manifested in paranoia and fear of becoming infected. Now she is 14 and it has mutated again. She feels "dirty" if she touches her underwear after going to the restroom, she oversexualizes her cat innocently laying in her lap as something inappropriate, she uses hand sanitizer constantly and started lysoling her bed bc she is afraid it is contaminated. I don't know how to help her. She doesn't want to live like this but is embarrassed to talk about this most recent boutique bc of the sexual nature her OCD is focused on. Any help would be so appreciated.

has anyone else with Tocd lost interest in the things they used to enjoy/and do. I used to read all the time and naturally gravitate towards heterosexual romance books but I havent been able to pick one up since these thoughts have started, and I have tons I still want to read and desperately want to pick up but im scared of how I’ll feel or if I won’t enjoy it like I used to

I keep trying to reassure myself figuring all these things out in my head so I have some subtype theme of suicidal ocd and I had gotten this thought that what if I can’t live with my own thoughts and mental health for years and years to come and the only solution is to just end it all because no one should live with all these anxiousness feelings and thoughts that give them great distress well I got this thought two weeks ago and before that I was completely fine and happy in life after this thought it completely changed my mood and I’ve been thinking about it 24/7 like I know the thought is irrational but for some reason it feels real in my head like I think to myself why would I end my life for a ocd thought that says I can’t like with my ocd thoughts for years and years to come but initially before this thought came to my head two weeks ago I was completely fine so now out of no where this anxiety came and now everyday my thoughts keep saying the only way out is to hurt yourself to end the thought and feelings but I think to myself also what thoughts why am I thinking so irrational it makes no sense like why am i so Stuck on this thought it gave me a panic attack when I first got it 2 weeks ago and now it’s just stuck with me since I’m going to therapy now but I just started so I’m trying to see if anyone has any tips on why I might be having this maybe it’s because I care about my life so much that ocd is turning it around idk I’ve been seeing a lot of people overdose on drugs on social media lately and that’s what triggered me to get this thought because I thought to myself right when I saw something on the TikTok what if I can’t handle my ocd thoughts and mental health and I just lose my sanity and end up killing my self like one of these people that are on the news and maybe I have it worse then them and so you might as well end it because there’s no other option you can’t live with it and then I also think that’s so irrational so I’m in middle between these things and I’ve been having so much headaches and anxiety lately

Sometimes, when I have long periods of low trigger days, I feel like maybe I don't have OCD. Then I have a couple weeks like I'm having now, just to remind me that it's no fluke. I know life isn't fair. I'm just trying to figure out how it could have turned so wrong. There's no OCD on my family, other than myself. I have some cousins with bipolar, but that might have come from the other side of their family. No direct line above me. It really really sucks.

I wanna get better from both, but I'm scared if I do, I won't be able to believe I ever went through such horrible experiences. Like I'd change.

Im having feelings that feel so real like some sort of buterflies in my chest and stomach that make me think that Im actually gay , and whats worse is that they come randomly .

Has anyone found any success in developing a new habit. Like a new cleaning routine or something like that? While it is true that for some OCD causes them to excessively clean, mine does the exact opposite. It makes it nearly impossible for me to get started bc my anxiety is so bad. I have low energy and even the smallest tasks cause me to feel overwhelmed. And then when I think of the sheer magnitude of all that needs to be done in my house I feel hopeless and paralyzed, which causes me to feel even more tired. It feels impossible

Does your OCD get worse during your period? I usually hear that OCD can get worse shortly before the period (PMS/PMDD), but my mental health declines rapidly DURING my period. Does anyone else experience the same?

Does it happen to you that your brain isn't satisfied no matter what now? I know I am straight, I am calm for a bit, love moments with my bf and then it starts ruminating that what if I choose to become lesbian one day (I start analyzing a lot why other girls became lesbians later in life, so I guess that is keeping this loop and making me get into their skin). And then I think up scenarios with a girl, there is almost no anxiety (mostly I wish I would be more disgusted, but disgust is almost gone, however there's no feeling like I want that as well), but I know I am not interested in girls and don't want that, and then I cry why do I even have these thoughts. I know it started as HOCD + ROCD, but I am just a mess now and don't know what to do. I definitely know that I don't want to be a lesbian and loose my awesome boyfriend. My brain is just destroyed now.

I've been posting on here a lot. I've just been feeling to much. It's hard facing everything I am mentally and emotionally and not having any form of being able to validate my experience through professional and medical assessment. I feel guilty for saying I struggle with certain mentally illnesses when I don't have the access to prove it. I can confidently say I know I have depression because every single symptom fits. With OCD, it's different. Every time I come on here I don't say "OCD" I say, intrusive whatever-it-may-be (sensation, thought, etc.) I know the cycle of how it goes, and before, I could confidently say I went through the trigger, obsession, compulsion, temporary relief cycle. Now, I feel like I just accept everything and skip the compulsion part, but sometimes I just wonder if I'm too emotionally exhausted or simply don't recognize the compulsion. To be honest, I don't really know what is considered or constitutes a compulsion. With depression, I am numb, exhausted, angry, sad, lost, energy-less, lacking motivation, wanting to do things but feeling like I'm being weighed down, lonely, sleepless, aching, and more I can't describe and lack the words or current proper thought to describe. With these intrusive anythings, I feel panicked, uncomfortable, confused, worried, anxious, constantly overthinking, scared, tired, like I'm constantly trying to prove myself to myself: my thoughts, morals, relationship goals/feelings, sexuality, etc. I can't find the words to explain this one either. They are both gruesome and make me feel like sh*t. They ruin me. Sometimes, I don't recognize just how much they weigh me down and hold me back. A lot of the time, I feel guilty for thinking that such things hold me back when other people probably face 1000× worse and push through and succeed and everything. It's hard to lose myself to depression, and have the remaining parts be thrown in to question by intrusive thoughts or whatever. I am simultaneously numb and feel too much. I wish I could feel too much about the things I am numb towards and feel numb about the things I feel too much towards. I feel so lost and hurt and I don't know what to do. I want to help myself...I don't know how to help myself. I also get scared of me without feeling like this because then I wonder who I am. I don't expect anyone to read this. I am very glad I have a place to write this all down though.

Something I’ve noticed that I don’t think started happening until after my ocd began to spiral is that I am afraid to draw more. Which is funny, since I’m going into animation for college. What I mean is I’ll go through major spurts of drawing, but then if I miss a day, I’m suddenly too afraid to start it up again and have to muster up the strength to put the pencil down. I fear that if I draw again it won’t be as good, or that it won’t turn out how I want. All this overthinking really hinders my abilities. Hopefully, with the help of zoloft, I can draw without thinking again and just enjoy it like I used to.

Hey. I suffer from real event ocd. But for the past couple of months it's been really bad. It's because of things that i did between the age of 12 and 17 roughly. I'm 20 now. And i feel like these things are really really horrible. I absolutely despise my past self. And i feel like i want to tell people. But i also know that people would hate me and think I'm disgusting if they knew about these things? How am i ever supposed to trust or be loved? I feel like everybody will forever see me as this disgusting person because of things i thought, did and felt. Because obviously the people I like never did such things. So why would they want somebody in their lives who actually did? I've been feeling like this for years. But it'll never go away. Because i actually DID these things. And people WILL despise me. Even if my ocd got cured somehow, that won't change anything about the facts. I don't want to hurt myself or end my life. I really don't. But sometimes this option feels better, than forever living alone, without ever being loved or able to enjoy anything...

Hey guys need some support, have a serious life decision coming up and ocd is rearing it’s head. I’m down bad and seriously considering ending it all. I just could use some support.

I do not even know what’s going on in my head at the moment everything feels so busy up there I can’t even think straight. I’ve struggled with ROCD for my entire relationship. It’s switched around from being linked to SOOCD and just simply thinking I’ve lost feelings for my partner. He is great and the kindest person but I’m struggling to feel any connection when I’m so concerned with my OCD. I can’t remember the last day it didn’t ruin. What’s making it worse is he works a very demanding job where he travels and works long hours often across weekends too. I was made redundant and am job hunting atm meaning I have so much time with myself and my thoughts. 💔 it’s difficult spending so little time together, and when we do he’s exhausted and I’m an anxious mess. I speak openly with him about this but frame it in a more hypothetical way, I.e I’m scared I will lose feelings, rather than that I literally feel like I have lost feelings. Im really scared because as always it feels so real and I haven’t had much clarity recently. I also feel as if I’ve taken on such a caring role in our relationship, looking after him more so than he does me. I’ve always done this and it’s not something I complain about but I’ve got it in my head that I love him like I love my family or friends rather than in a romantic way. This thought is really bothering me at the moment as our intimacy has suffered due to my meds & his schedule. I’m so scared I’m experiencing another case of platonic love & that I’m just leading him on. I know my ocd mainly stems from me believing I’m a shitty person but I just want to be present and enjoy life. I’m just so confused.

I am horrified. One of my worst fears is possible. Whether it is true - I don't know. How possible it is - I don't know. But I have proof to confirm it is possible. The fear that is actually possible is about harm coming to other people. To make sure this possibility is erased and no harm comes to those people, I should report to the police. But if I do report, I believe I'll go to jail because I'll have to share how I know this fear is possible (and I know due to something I was told during a real event in my life about which I have OCD - and I believe in that event I committed a serious crime, at least I'm afraid that's the case). I'm stuck. If I don't report the actual possibility of harm, people may be harmed, that possibility will continue to exist and I will feel guilty, scared and ashamed forever. If I do report, however, I believe I'll go to jail (due to the connection to the real event about which I have OCD - the event which I fear is a crime by me) and suffer forever. Please help me. It's agony.