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the NOCD Community

The thoughts aren’t necessarily the problem, it’s our reaction to them.

Hi, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years. 2 weeks ago, I suddenly started questioning everything about my relationship. It started with ‘do i actually like him?’ to ‘did i fool him and myself for 2 years?’ and ‘did i just stop loving him’. I started crying uncontrollably, because I didn’t want to have these thoughts. I even went to see my GP and they gave me some pills to calm down. 2 weeks further and nothing has improved, the thoughts have gotten worse and I’m still constantly thinking about whether I am in the right relationship. It started with checking if I liked being with him and checking if I liked every move he made, I couldn’t stop checking and I couldn’t act like everything was ok when I was around him, I can’t even be happy around him anymore because of these thoughts. I started noticing his imperfections, which never bothered me at all. All I can think about are the moments when we argued and those imperfections. This never bothered me before and I constantly feel guilty about it and I’m thinking he deserves better. Before I had these thoughts, so the past 2 years, I always thought he was the one that was going to leave me, now it has changed to ‘what if I’m the one leaving him?’. I used to check if he liked being with me and when something felt off I used to tell him I love him, hoping he would say it back, to make sure he still does. Are those signs of ROCD? All I want now is to go back in time, to when I was happy to be around him. I don’t want to doubt, I know we can have a great time together, why can’t I think about that now? Is it even possible I have ROCD? Am I using ROCD as an excuse to have these thoughts? I haven’t been diagnosed and getting help for OCD in my country is really hard. How do I get rid of the thoughts?

I have a tendency to live in my head a lot which can make it hard for me to be fully present with big groups of people. As a result I’ve always gotten comments like “he never knows what’s going on does he.” I’m also just easily distracted, forgetful, and can appear airheaded in general. My closest friends know that I’m smart but also I know that most acquaintances have a tendency to think I’m dumb or kinda slow. Sometimes it just gets me down. Anyone else?

Hey everyone, I just found out I'm pregnant and I'm very worried as I have harm ocd and pocd! I'm also worried because I get insomnia really bad and my mum had post natal psychosis. Has anyone here had post natal psychosis but got through it at home without help? I'm wondering what my options are I wouldn't cope in a clinic if I got that. I had a nightmare last night that I was sectioned. Also has anybody else got such bad insomnia yet you've had a kid? Has anyone had pocd yet getting through that with a kid? This pregnancy was planned and my partner is so happy, but I'm literally so terrified

I can’t tell if I’m in denial, every time I have the thought that I’m transgender I see an angel number without fail they’re always there I’m so confused I’ve never liked stuff that guys did and I’ve never felt gender envy but I’m so hyper aware of that kind of stuff now and I don’t get anxious when I have those thoughts instead now I get so anxious about being a woman and it’s so discouraging because I love being a woman and have always idolized feminine things like beauty and makeup and have always shown that im interested in more feminine hobbies but now I just feel like a stranger to myself and it’s so confusing I don’t know how im supposed to feel and it gets so overwhelming that I get super scary feelings of not wanting to be here anymore I just want to feel like my old self again I can’t tell if this is my ocd or if im in some kind of denial, I keep having thoughts that I need to like come out to my parents or something but I don’t want to because I don’t want to identify as transgender I don’t want to be with women and I don’t want to be a trans man in a relationship with a man but I feel like I can’t see myself as a woman anymore and I hate it like if I try to imagine myself in a scenario I can’t see myself as desired I guess by men and that they don’t see me as a woman if that makes any sense? I hate this so much I love being a woman and I don’t want that to stop or end or change

My mind is admitting to the point where I really think I’m gay and that only sticks there like it’s the truth , saying that I’m straight doesn’t feel right anymore , my head hurts like hell and I need help , I’m just on my own , my mind doesn’t believe on OCD anymore , I don’t have the symptoms everyone has , it’s like I’m convinced

I made a post earlier regarding harm ocd. I think I posted at a bad time bc no one answered. I don’t want reassurance about if I would ever do such an act, but I’m curious to know if the gun violence stuff and shootings are triggering anyone else’s harm ocd? For me, it’s my greatest fear to ever lose control and harm others so when I see it on the news, I freak out. School shootings have sent me over the edge lately. It’s like I become obsessed with wanting to know for certain I could never lose control over my body. It makes no sense because I’ve never even done a violent act. I guess OCD attacks your greatest fears and makes them sticky in your brain? It just scares me that anyone is capable of horrible things. Honestly all crime stories scare me and trigger me. Should I make myself watch them or do you stay away from the news at this point. I just feel like it’s all too much 🥹😭

anyone have any tips for forgiving yourself for your intrusive thoughts? i feel like i’m forever going to feel bad for and punish myself for mine. also if anyone is religious (i’m christian), do u ever fear god won’t forgive you for your intrusive thoughts?

I give up on trying to find a therapist. Just found out my regular therapist was worried I was a danger to myself and others from my intrusive thought urges. She doesn’t specialize in OCD. This is my second therapist after many many searches online and I just feel like giving up at this point. My insurance doesn’t take the NOCD. Ugh.

Hello my friends, I'm just wondering if anyone has theory how their ocd started? It doesn't matter to me what OCD you have. For me it seems like it was trama and anxiety and too much of it sending me in a downward spiral to not feel anything is safe and clean around me. My anxiety is paralyzing and I am exhausted from ruminating and cleaning. Please share your story. I feel so alone.

I’m at work when on a bathroom break. I was trying just to be in an out of course me I am start observing and I see the drain for the bathroom is located in my stall. So as I see the drain I noticed like drops are spots that are a dark red orange. I start to be so triggered that I am like is that rust, paint, or worse blood. Did I step on it? I’m freaking out at this point and even worse I’m wearing sandals. So I come to my coworker and she gives me Clorox wipes and I’m wiping the bottom of my sandals by stepping on the wipes I refuse to touch them with my hands. Now I’m freaking out because everywhere I’ve stepped until I had time to wipe my sandals and get to my desk I can’t clean. I am not able to clean the office carpet or the tile. And everyone is just walking in the area that I had walked in before I sanitized my sandals. I’m freaking out. I’m at work still and I don’t want people to think I’m crazy but I can’t get it out of my head that what if it was blood.

I’ve hit such a low point that I don’t know what’s real and what’s not and why my brain is doing this. I feel so crazy. I’ve had an unwanted crush on my coworker and I thought it was due to hocd but I get butterflies and my heart pounds so fast and when I start thinking about it I can’t think straight and I’m so overwhelmed and depressed by the feelings. It’s like a monster has taken over my mind. In a way it feels like Ted Bundy and I’ve gone literal psycho. I don’t see this crush as human. I think about her and I get so depressed. And I just don’t feel like I’m living in reality and then I compare to other crushes from my past and they have felt the same. I’ve never viewed my crushes as human. Something else takes over. I masturbated to the thoughts of her, not like really of her. I didn’t see her face or feel like it was actually her but I still orgasmed to the thought of being with her. I’m not sure if it was because all of this anxiety. I just feel so depressed and not like myself and it’s making me question everything about myself and I feel like I’m out of control of my thoughts and feelings and it’s so bad. It’s like I’m not living in reality. Nothing seems real. I feel so insane honestly. I hate this so much and idk what to do anymore. I don’t feel like anything can help and I’m going to be crazy forever. Or maybe this is what deep denial feels like. Like I don’t feel like myself because I’ve buried this perceived “monster” deep within me and I don’t even realize it. I have no idea what’s going on but I’m so scared and this feels so much bigger than OCD ever has. I’m making myself crazy. I feel like nothings wrong but I’ve allowed my mind to go to crazy places that I can’t come back from. Like I’m damaged forever and unfixable. Like nothing will help me.

Okay real quick! I had a therapy session with my OCD therapist and mentioned my intrusive thoughts working on the ambulance. How ill get intrusive thoughts of hurting my patient and an overwhelming urge to slap/hit them and like “what if I did this, what if I get fired for this”. I get super bad anxiety, shaky, and I start to think I’m crazy and a terrible terrible person and I’m just a bad person masking myself with a “good person”. The thought, the urges feel so real. But I WOULD NEVER DO THEM. I often turn myself around and work on my paper work and try to keep my head busy I even find sitting on my hands to reassure myself I would never hurt anyone helps. At times I’ll even rub my patients hand to reassure myself. So after I told her that she asks me “do you ever get a voice in your head telling you to slap them, that you NEED to do this and that” and I never do. It’s just an intrusive thought and urge that makes me feel disgusted and upsetting with myself. Then she says she wants me to tell my doctor and “keep an eye” on this. That I may be a danger to myself or others. I FEEL LIKE IM FREAKING CRAZY NOW. PLUS. A weird one. But when I pick up after my dog I get this intrusive thought like “what if I ate this, what if I slapped it on my face or touched it with my bare hands” and then I get an urge and anxiety and overwhelming disgust and quickly put it away to avoid the images. I mean these urges can’t be real right… I would never act on them!!! I’m beginning to wonder if I’m ACTUALLY crazy and my therapist is right!!!!!!!!!! NOW I HAVE TO WAIT FOR ANOTHER SESSION TO GET REASSURED. FML. PLEASE HELP. Has anyone felt this way?????? IM GOING TO BE THINKING ABOUT THIS ALL FREAKING WEEK.

Hi everyone, I will have my 1st therapy session Thursday afternoon. Just looking for some hope though… does ERP work well for Harm OCD? I’m still having trouble trusting myself that I have this particular illness. I know that I don’t want to physically hurt anyone ever, and I never have. Can someone help shed some light on the intrusive thought problems associated with HOCD?

I keep getting harm intrusive thoughts in direct relation to feeling powerless. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I keep getting intrusive thoughts of killing people and I’m scared of what this means for me.

Hi I’m just posting this to see if there’s anyone going through what I’m going through in here. I feel like I have fake memory ocd ( I haven’t gotten a proper diagnosis yet) it’s been about a month I believe that I’ve been feeling like I have this because before I wasn’t creating as much fake memories ( I have an active imagination since I was a kid) as I am now and feeling like they’re actually real but I know they’re not but my mind keeps telling me they are and i want to get help but money is tight right now and therapy is expensive and I don’t have insurance. This is causing problems for me to go to work and having a normal life. I’ve only discussed this with my girlfriend so far and now I’m trying to reach out for help. Any recommendations will be appreciated. Thank you.

I feel bad my mind is like admitting that I am what I think I am , whenever I say I’m straight doesn’t feel right anymore , I’m thinking after a short period of time I’m gonna accept it and I don’t like to think about it 😭😭

Not sure if it’s entirely retroactive jealousy, since I’m not sure if it qualifies as jealousy necessarily or if it’s simply ROCD. Just to give context: my boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly two years. I told him I wanted to wait until marriage to have sex for religious reasons; however, he has had sex in his previous relationship, and this is my first ever relationship and I’ve never had sex before. I used to kind of oscillate between feelings of jealousy, anger, sadness, and even amusement at times at the idea of him sleeping with his ex partner. Now, I primarily feel disgust at the idea. And I feel gross when thinking of the possibility of being intimate with my boyfriend. I have questioned before if I was maybe asexual, and now I’m wondering if this is the case. But maybe not since I believe I was sexually attracted to him at the beginning of our relationship, and I think I do feel attraction to him at times, but those feelings are frequently replaced by repulsion. I was okay with the idea of him having had sex before, until he actually confirmed it, and now, it haunts me. I just can’t fathom the idea of him having a sexual past. Maybe it’s because it’s not what I imagined my first relationship would look like. I simply can’t comprehend the idea of me being intimate with him, and I’m not certain that I desire it either. I just can’t seem to grasp the idea of him in that context. Maybe it’s just because I’ve not had that type of experience yet. After compulsively confessing to him several times, he’s told me his ex was “awful” to him, which inadvertently makes me feel bad since I have been with him longer than his ex at this point, and, even though I am the one who wants to wait, it makes me feel as though something is wrong with me, that he would sleep with her and not me. If he sleeps with her, and she’s awful, but not me, then what does that make me? It doesn’t make sense, since again, it was my decision to wait, but it is something I think about when I’m spiraling. Part of me wants to sleep with him, so I can stop the mental images and everything else, but I know that is not the solution. I just wanted to air out my thoughts since I have been holding onto them for a while, but I’ve never typed them out until now. Hoping this may help me to let go of at least some of it. Thank you to anyone who may have taken the time to read through my long winded message.

I’m not believing that this is Hocd now , I feel ok about being gay/bi but it’s not my thing !!!! I’m feeling like I have accepted it and my mind is thinking that I’m now gay!! Even when I am calm I don’t react to my thoughts even that they feel weird , every second my mind is “you are bi\gay” “you have found yourself” “you are different” “you are looking at these thoughts just to pretend that you have ocd” , I got so convinced and it’s not leaving , NOW I THINK ACCEPTING THAT IM GAY IS A MATTER OF TIME !!!!

Out of curiosity, do most of you think your OCD developed because of genetics or some kind of consistent trauma. For me, trauma definitely. Sometimes I think if I had just been raised in a less chaotic household and not have had so much emotional abuse, I wouldn’t suffer from this. Doesn’t it suck that most of the time we need therapy because of people who refused to go 😑. All we can do is break generational curses. One thing we do have to remember, is we DO have the power to do that! I’m proud of anyone who is fighting their OCD. Even if you have setbacks and struggles, keep going. You are changing toxic cycles whether you know it or not. You are needed here ❤️