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When my soocd and rocd first hit hard, it really shattered my world and the kind of stability I had in life before the constant fear of losing the one I love. When I got my first job, I buried myself in the idea that I was too busy to deal with it anymore, it helped that I started school and got a pet hedgehog as well. But some nights it hits me that this hasn’t gone away at all, I don’t spend night after night or day after day stuck in the same thoughts anymore but I feel so cold inside like I’m not worth anything and like I don’t deserve the love and attraction I think I once felt for my sweet boyfriend. I feel like the fact that I can’t “feel” those feelings for him anymore that I’ve spent so long chasing means I don’t deserve him, I feel like even though the great anxiety has stopped I’m still trying to chase down that love feeling and how it “should” feel instead of just feeling it for what it is. I’m still terrified that if I let go of my walls that I’ll realize I don’t love him and lose him. It’s hurting me bad and making me resort to bad coping mechanisms. I’m starting to seek out validation again and craving that rush of infatuation when in reality the only one I want is my boyfriend. For almost a year and a half I obsessed about sexual attraction, it’s really affected my intimate life. I have self-esteem issues about my body, my “skills”, fear of not liking it enough and false expectations just all cause me to not feel much in my body and it makes me horribly sad. My boyfriend says I need to accept the possibility that the things I fear could be true and that I could be with someone else but it’s so hard because I really don’t want that but the longer I fight it the further away I feel from him. I didn’t think ocd could be this complex and cause such havoc on my life. I kind of miss when I felt extreme anxiety every day and had the same thoughts over and over because at least then it was easier to know it was my mind games at work. Now it just feels like I’m sabotaging myself daily by chasing the feelings of love I want. I don’t want to ruin this otherwise healthy relationship, my boyfriend is my best friend and I still want that. Can anyone relate to this? I feel like a lot of people just have the obsessiveness and I’m here trying to deal with the side effects of the after math and it makes me feel so alone

i'm tired of the fear of becoming something horrible. im tired of feeling like i'm an irredeemable monster. im tired of thinking about what happened every hour of my life. im tired of the fear of being a bad person. im tired of never feeling like i deserve anything. i'm tired of the ruminating, the anguish, the guilt, the regret, the pain, the anger at myself. i dont know what i want. it feels as if making my life better will be like excusing my actions. i feel like i deserve this pain. my genuine emotions feel like a facade. im so scared. i dont want to be a bad person. why did i think it was okay in the moment. why.

Hello all. I had a great therapy session today where we were talking about anxiety and fear and how the brain can link something benign with fear due to what happened in that moment. I am thinking whether this viewpoint may help others. I had often wondered whether the idea that the incident that I had where my major OCD started had affected me that way because it had shocked me, and from the discussion today I really think that may be the case. A few times in my teens, when I had already experienced mild OCD tendencies, I had had a boy at school spit at my skirt and another time hot chewed gum on my sweater. These had elicited the emotions anger and grossness, but not anxiety. They did not lead me to having contamination OCD. When I was 17, I went into the city with my mum, sister and my friend, and myself and the latter went off to run an errand for my Dad (pick up a book he had ordered). At some point I suddenly had who I think was a very dirty, scruffy, homeless man blow a raspberry in my ear. It have me a shock as well as me also feeling grossed out be ause I was sure my face and ear were covered in spittle. I also thought maybe my friend had some too. I went to where we were meeting my family for lunch and when I got there I went to the bathroom and washed my face. But it didn't stop there. I worried if there was any on my clothes which could have spread to the car on the way back. Did my friend also contaminate things with her clothes? I think she sat down in the house afterwards even though I had a shower and changed my clothes. From there it was a spiral and completely out of control as I traced every single possible cross-contamination, probably in the 10s of separation from the event. It eventually became a fear of more people, all elderly, homeless people etc. and pretty much everything due to the large number of degrees of separation from an initial 'dirty' person that worried me. Anyway, how it progressed is of no matter here, but the key is I had a shock and fear reaction when it happened. I really believe that thisnis why this particular event caused anxiety over grossness and taught my brain to connect the feeling of anxiety and fear with contamination of this type, rather than the 'normal' general feeling of grossness that is soon forgotten. My brain still has that connection many years later. It somehow makes a lot of sense to me and brings it home how to understand why other people don't have anxiety but rather just a passing gross reaction to situations. This has always been a stumbling block to my recovery. What is normal? How should I feel in certain situations? Why doesn't everyone feel anxiety over gross things? There IS a difference between feeling grossed out with anxiety and being grossed out without. Fear/Anxiety should be there only to protect us from real harm, not gross things! I just felt that understanding this fine line will help me, and maybe help othets too, even with different forms of OCD. If you are feeling anxiety from a truly non-threatening situation, however upsetting it is in itself, then the brain is sending false messages that it learned somewhere through a false connection of that situation to the feeling of danger. I hope that I am making sense. Now how to figure out anxiety from worry about other things like family's wellbeing. I have to think about that a bit more, because there must be a real connection and is likely due to our brains wanting to protect other humans, especially those closest to us, and the loss of, or pain of someone else is a genuine threat to our own wellbeing.

Something I often hear over the course of OCD treatment is: “I know my intrusive thoughts aren’t real. But why do they feel so real?” That’s because OCD makes our brains respond to intrusive thoughts the exact same way they respond to real threats. Our brains fill us with anxiety, telling us that we need to take action—that’s why we have such a strong urge to do compulsions. By resisting the urge to do compulsions when our intrusive thoughts arise, we can actually retrain our brains to recognize that we don’t have to respond to the anxiety that comes from them. Read more about why intrusive thoughts feel so real, and how exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy works to retrain your brain.

If you’ve done research about your best treatment options for OCD, you’ve probably heard about exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. Hundreds of studies have demonstrated ERP’s efficacy, and it’s proven to be just as effective in a telehealth setting. Yet, despite ERP’s often transformative impact, many people with OCD often feel hesitant to start it. From witnessing thousands of conversations in the OCD community and my own personal experience, I’ve seen that misunderstandings about what ERP actually entails often keep people from getting the help they need. You see, people with OCD experience exposures—the “E” in ERP—in daily life, even if they’re not doing ERP therapy. What they’re missing is the “RP”: response prevention. With personalized guidance from a specialist, they can learn how to respond to these unplanned exposures without engaging in compulsions, allowing them to get better over time. Read more about why it’s so important to understand how ERP therapy works if you want to recover from OCD.

Tell me about them please I can’t stop.

I wanted to share some thoughts on my all time favorite tv show and the amazing novel by Gillian Flynn that I’m currently reading for the first time. Most people familiar with the story look at me like I have ten heads when I say what a comfort it has been for me in some of my darkest times. Hear me out. When the show first came out I flew through it and absolutely loved it. I recently came back to it a few years later while I am going through another bad bout of (Pure) OCD. Due to some problems with my thyroid this year, my anxiety/OCD has been ramping up and for the last 8 months I’ve really been suffering. In times like these I find it especially difficult to find a balance between engaging in media that I can really connect to in a healthy way and simply using that media as escapism/avoidance. While Sharp Objects focuses on super intense and triggering content, I find Camille’s character a great source of comfort and an outlet for me to enjoy media without using it as an escape from my suffering. While Camille has no exact diagnosis as far as I know, she seems to struggle with intrusive thoughts (completely understandable given what she has experienced and witnessed). What I find most relatable in terms of my struggles with OCD and depression, however, is how her self esteem affects her. For more context, I will link a video about Pure OCD and self esteem at the end of this post. Essentially, the video explains that Pure OCD and any doubts about morality stem from low self esteem or, as Camille’s mother says, “not [seeing oneself] in a good light.” Like many people with Pure OCD I have often worried that things I was exposed to, especially during my childhood, have ruined me. I seem to have developed this innate feeling that I am toxic, that I am a cancer in society and I must be isolated and destroyed. I feel that my OCD’s job has been to gather as much evidence to argue this case, and sometimes it feels like a losing battle. I know this is not true, despite how real it feels. It wouldn’t be so distressing if it didn’t feel real. So, when I watch this show or read this book and I see Camille struggling with this same self-doubt, I find that I can engage with my OCD without letting it control the narrative because I am reading/watching a remarkable story without using it as escapism. So, I will conclude this incredibly long post by saying that finding an incredibly compelling character that allows me to reflect on my own suffering and acknowledge its presence has demoted these thoughts from all-encompassing pain to simply part of who I am. This has been incredibly important for me and I encourage readers, tv lovers, and film buffs going through something similar to find something that allows them to do the same. I highly recommend Sharp Objects, the book and the show, if you can handle dark material and are interested in such a beautifully-written character. Link to the Pure OCD video: https://youtu.be/Q9yKaI0vLJs

Hi, I'm a man, 25, I had HOCD. Before getting to the heart of the matter some precisions: I have untreated sleep apnea which can cause erectile dysfunction so my erections are weaker than they were before. I always had a strong libido. I had HOCD until the end of 2021. My doubts were dissipated, I understood that I was not gay and that I would never become it, I always loved women, never men. I've been consuming quite a bit of trans-trans/trans-female porn this year. About ten days ago, on IRC, I started talking to a "sissy" (roughly speaking, a feminized man, unlike transvestism which is casual and where the man is a man in women's clothes, sissies want to live as a woman constantly and be treated as sex objects). I mostly saw her as a trans woman, never as a man. We mostly talked about sex and we had some of the same delusions, it was pretty exciting (I got a good quality erection quickly, even though it was pretty quick) and, we talked every day for five-six days in total I would say, I liked those moments. I was a little anxious in the middle of it all (or was it kind of love ? I hope it wasn't but this question loop in my head), but then I figured a girl's a girl, whether she's trans or not. I tell myself that I have to stop talking to her, for fear of falling back into the OCD analysis spirals and I don't really know how to tell her. Flashforward to yesterday, we talk again, I don't think about it anymore and then she tells me that she wants us to stop talking. It suits me but I feel bad, like I've been beaten up. I am anxious. Since last night I've been ruminating, wondering what it all means. Was I in love? I don't think so, I talked to her for a week, we never saw each other and we only talked about sex. But there's always a damn "what if my anxiety isn't anxiety but a sign of love (like when you have butterfly in stomach)?", "why did you feel bad?" running through my head. So I get anxious. I'm afraid that something has broken inside of me, that I'll never fall in love with women (and more specifically cis women) like I used to. I am aware that this is stupid. If anyone can help me see this more clearly, I would be grateful. Was it love ? Why such an intense reaction to such a random "relationship"?

Watch his YouTube videos on HOCD has brought me a lot more clarity / I am not here to reassure you but to tell you you must believe that HOCD isn’t you that’s the first step it’s your brain . If you like girls you like girls that won’t change you just need to rewire your brain which isn’t easy . You are not gay or bi etc because if you were it wouldn’t bring you so much distress . Learn that it’s our brain with HOCD not us or our real values

i’m sure it’s just the lack of sleep i’ve been having but for about 2-3 days i’ve just felt so different. like i can’t find feelings for him sometimes or find excitements and it’s a new feeling and i can’t remember when i felt anxious about something. i keep thinking what if there’s more when i know he’s who i want and i hate this so much. i think my ocd has just taken me out, like just drained me so much at this point

Yesterday I had an appointment with my physical therapist for my pelvic floor. I had an internal rectal exam, she said my sphincter was very close to the opening. I didn’t think anything of it. But when I got home I couldn’t stop obsessing and wondering what she meant by that. It kept me up all night wondering what she meant. I wanted to google this but I didn’t and I’m still trying to not fulfill this compulsion. However, I can’t stop thinking about what she said and now I’m freaking out and scared obsessing over this. I did email her to ask for clarification and if this finding was indeed normal. But I’m just really scared. How do I handle this with erp? What can I do?!

Im at the point where ive been ignoring compulsions for so long but it only gets worse for some reason. Today, i gave in to a compulsion and it led to one of the worst feelings i felt in this whole ocd theme era. It felt so real that i became horrified that the ocd actually turned me into my worst fear. I cant tell the difference anymore. Can ocd actually turn you into what you fear even if it's completely against your values because this is exactly what it feels like. Im tired of fighting against it when all it does is get worse. Just four months ago i was NEVER like this. Now, this feels like a horrible reality i must submit to. It feels real. I dont want to live like this horrible being ocd shaped me into. Im sorry if this is too much to put on a discussion post but i have nowhere else to vent and this is damn near my breaking point. I never thought i would break but im breaking very fast.

I keep struggling so much with studying and staying focused on my courses because I’m constantly ruminating. There hasn’t been a moment or second for over a year where I’m not ruminating and thinking about my real events or anything related to it. I get distracted easily and procrastinate a lot. It causes me to forget much of what I’m studying and I tend to put in minimal effort because of this. That’s not who I used to be, I don’t know what happened to me.

Has anyone ever felt like their mind was pulling them in a specific direction, and it’s super uncomfortable and hard to live with uncertainty. My mind is convinced I’ll find certainty with someone else, but I don’t want to believe it. But, at the same time I’m so exhausted of fighting- I just want this to go away. This has never happened in previous relationships, but this is also the healthiest relationship I’ve been in.

Does anyone ever feel “numb” to your ocd? Like today I can’t really tell what my brain is telling me. I guess I just feel like I’m lying to myself when I say I’m straight even though all I want is to be with a man, I want to get married and have kids with a man. I don’t want to be with a woman at all, but I’m not spiraling into a panic like I usually do, I don’t want my thoughts to be real. What does this all mean?? OCD is hell for me.

So a week ago at a recovery group I go to suggested a goodbye letter. Well after the emotional night I had last night, I figured I needed to do something constructive with my anger and pain towards the OCD. A few months ago, I wrote a poem (definitely not a poet lol) about OCD and shared it in here, so I figured I would share my goodbye letter. F•*k You OCD Pt. 2 Dear OCD, It's me again. I'm writing to you again because I need you to know that it's time I say good bye. You have plagued my life for two years and I continue to get up every waking moment and continue on with my day. Every day you try cooking up something to knock me down and I've had enough. I've been nice for too long. I even told you that you could stay. I have to be honest and let you know that I hate you so much. The word hate isn't a strong enough word to describe my feelings towards you. You have no idea how bad I hurt. All you get is joy from watching me cry and laughter from me giving into the compulsion. You have succeeded multiple times in making me feel like a monster but clearly you see that I will not back down. Clearly, I have something you want. You want to consume me so bad that you can't just come at me with one type of OCD. In total, you are throwing four types of OCD at me, and look at me...I'm still here. Yeah, you've broke me countless times but each time you break me, God, my family, and loved ones are there to help piece me back together. That's what you don't understand. I will not give up. Ever. You try to crush me and my goals but I will not let that happen. My family loves me and God loves me. One day, I will find the woman God sent for me and she will love me too. She will understand the pain I face and will not run no matter what you try to make me feel. OCD, I promise that I will continue working. I will continue seeking help to strengthen my tools to be prepared for anything you throw at me. Take a look at the progress I've made in the two years...clearly I won't back down. I see you are stubborn as well, so that is why I continue to live my life. You hate that. You hate seeing me smile. But I love it. I love smiling and thanking God for the little things I'm blessed with while I continue to embark on this journey. As you are not a physical being, I cannot make you feel the pain you've made me feel. But by now, I've learned how to make you suffer. It's simple. Continuing to live my life. Continuing to put a smile on my face and allow myself to be loved. Ignoring you is even better. You feed off my anxiety, my fears, and love to get a reaction out of me. That's fine. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. So enjoy the moments you've made me scream, cry, and doubt because I promise you that over time those moments will dwindle down. You underestimate my support system and my own strength. I have never underestimated you. I am fully aware of you capabilities. You've made that known. But by doing that, I continue to shield up and get stronger. I am no idol or spokesperson but I know there are countless others who suffer from OCD and have been right where I was at. I know how it feels to think you're alone. To feel worthless, like a monster, that no one could ever love or understand you. I know how scary this is. That is what drives me. That right there is part of the many reasons I keep going. Because one day, I will be able to share my story to someone who was where I was two years ago. They will no longer feel alone or judged. Finding NOCD and building my support system has made me stronger. They help me take you on each day. The ocd community is deeper than you know. I will continue pushing through the muddy waters. Why? Because I know that there is so much greatness and joy ahead of me. Awareness for OCD will only continue to get bigger. Which means more therapist and tools to help many others like me. Ocd, before I go I actually need to thank you. Because of you, I found God. Because of you, I opened up to my family and let them in on my life. Because of you, I have grown as a person and gotten stronger mentally. Don't let that go to your head though, because all of those things are what fuels me. Good bye OCD.

Been having a tough few weeks... I left university in 2020 after an OCD breakdown. Since then I've received a ton of therapy and decided to give uni another try. Only problem is, the last few days I can't catch a break from the constant bombardment of intrusive thoughts. Its leaving me worried that I'll end up having another breakdown. I get over one thought, then my brain is just scanning scanning for the next thing to ruminate over. Everytime I get over one obsession, it seems to find something worse or more disturbing. I don't want all my energy starting uni to be spent battling my mind. Any advice is appreciated.👍

I've had hocd for 6–7 months now, it started at my school when all of a sudden my brain 'fixed' on a girl in my class (very masculine) at first I was scared that she is a lesbian and interested in me and me by her, I was extremely anxious (vomiting, bad sleep, weight loss ..) then I discovered what was hocd and that relieved me but I reassure myself too much.. after i test myself on all the girls, I had several phases of ups and downs.. but this girl at school I see her every day and it triggers me, which makes the thought even more real! it's been 3 months since I was out of school (internship + vacation) so much less thought about her and hocd in general ( but always present in backround) and now that it's my return here we go again.. I'm really afraid that this is a real attraction and not hocd but on the other hand I'm just fear in me and in the end I test myself to see if i like her constantly, but the fact that from the beginning it's been on her scares me a lot and tells me that it may not be hocd

The more I learn about ROCD and relationships the more I believe that our generation and the mindset of the masses has a direct link to this subtype of OCD. I believe OCD sufferers tend to take things more to a literal sense slighty like autism. Our culture and society is very heavy on bold statements and how things ‘should’ be, many OCD subtypes stem from things which are widely spoken about in society - moral OCD, cleanliness OCD, image and weight, relationships , harm etc. Society has painted a picture of how things should be and how they should look like and someone with OCD may internalise these messages from society more than the average person believing them to be the truth. We’ve been sold lies about relationships, from Disney fairytales to statements like ‘the one’ and that you get swept of your feet and love happily ever after. We also live in a generation obsessed with one’s self and self gratification. Love is talked about as how it makes us feel good/high and what it does for our ego … what people are referring to is lust and infatuation , it has little to do with love and is a temporary feeling not based on the reality of the other person our actually caring for the other . It’s not surprising that the divorce rates are so high with the way that we view love in our society … Love can only built with time , after all, good things don’t come easy. Trust takes time to build as does respect and understanding… the fundamental elements to a loving relationship , yet we’re sold a false narrative of ‘love at first sight’? No wonder someone with ocd who takes things literally may feel so anxious , we’re sold all these false beliefs about how our relationship should be , maybe we don’t need to feel guilty for having doubts , could it not signal a more healthy relationship based on growth? Maybe most people don’t feel anxious about their relationships , not because they’ve found the one but simply because they are not overthinking them . OCD latched onto to things we care about the most so clearly someone who suffers with OCD values relationships highly , maybe the people who are placing such a high value on their relationships simply don’t take the time to think about what could go wrong and the doubts simply because their mind is preoccupied else where . That doesn’t make their relationships more ‘right’ or valid just because they aren’t thinking about the relationship as much . We don’t need to place expectations on our relationships , relationships take work for them to be successful. The key to a relationship is your mindset and growth, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Someone has this huge afraid of disappoint God? Like, thinking He is ordering you to do something but deep down, you know it is not Him, but OCD?