Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Random question just wondering if anyone would want to talk? Not too sure who to talk to anymore at the moment

Guys I’m really freaking out. I’m so scared. I seriously might end up of having a panic attack. Everything feels so real I don’t know what’s going on. This is the worst I’ve had an ocd attack in a long time. I cant sleep. No matter what I do my ocd is just like “this will happen now. You’re a terrible person and there’s nothing you can do about it.” I’m so over this and I’m terrified rn

I barely have any friends in college (or anyone who actually cares about me) this ocd has been bad all day, I’m forced to sleep in school because I don’t have money to go home, and I basically feel like no one gives any legitimate crap about me if I were to just suddenly cease to exist… my parents get mad at me for not being happy to help them even though I basically do EVERYTHING they tell me to do… i literally bought my mom 100 dollar cookies, and I was going to get PXG for my dad but I don’t have the money for it yet so I was going to use my first paycheck for that… i even told my dad that I wanted to help pay the tuition using money I make working for the school and yet he yells at me and basically called me an idiot… my roommate blames me for pressuring her about rent/money even though A. My parents have been pressuring me to force her to give me rent money and I don’t want to and B. She hasn’t been paying her rent money in about a month and a half… I’m pretty sure if I just disappeared off the face of this earth right now, or some wonky “It’s a wonderful life” thing happens where I’m suddenly never born… then no one… and I mean NO ONE would actually care about me enough to actually wonder where I am, if I exist, how I’m doing, etc… plus my HOCD, POCD and real events OCD involving these subtypes are just constantly there with intrusive thoughts and feelings and dreams and morning groinals and it’s making me feel like I’m not anxious about it… I hate this all so much… no one cares about me… no one actually wants me there in their lives…

Ironically. Becoming desensitized to my intrusive thoughts sometimes frightens me. The security of knowing I had such intense anxiety when I had violent/bad/scary intrusive thoughts comforted me because it made me realize I didn’t want them and found them bad. If I’m not reacting to them, I’ve convinced myself that I think it’s okay and maybe deep down I am a bad person? Does anyone else relate to this? My anxiety has felt better lately toward my intrusive thoughts as I am trying to give them no value (that and probably my lexapro lol) but is what I’m feeling normal at all or can anyone relate?

(Lol I apologize for the length, just needed to rant) I'm a 21 year old college student (girl) and I've struggled with soocd and rocd the past couple of years. The rocd started when I got into a relationship with my now ex boyfriend 2 years ago (he's 22). But I realized I was truly so in love and the rocd mainly presented itself in the beginning because it was all so new for me and my first relationship. This last weekend, he cheated on me. He has been under a lot of new substances, in a new time zone in a brand new environment, and said he didn't feel like himself. Well, he got diagnosed with Bipolar after telling his psych what happened and his psych said those things can be a recipe for mania. It was a one night thing/no emotional connection/ and he immediately told me the next day after he felt like himself again and couldn't believe what he had done. He said something in him was just telling him he needed to "destroy his happiness" and that it wasn't directed towards me. And it wasn't out of lust but because this part of him just needed to do something irreversible that way he could never have me. I think he has a lot of self hated deep down. But when he was himself again, he was horrified and disgusted that he could even do something like that. He has showed deep remorse and taken full accountability and knows that mental illness and substances are not an excuse. He is getting help and taking it seriously. He is devastated that he didn't address his mental health sooner and that it caused me pain. He has answered any and all questions and has been completely transparent with everything. He has been completely faithful our entire relationship and practically worshipped me. However, at the end of the day he betrayed my trust. He still did what he did. Cheating is typically an unforgivable thing to do. However, I don't think there are any absolutions right now. There's no "we're never getting back together" and on the other hand there's no "we will find our way back to each other eventually." We are broken up and I believe his actions need to have consequences. I'm taking this as time to live my life, learn more about myself, and heal. I'm going to see other people (he has vowed to not regardless of what I choose to do) and has even encouraged me to be single because he wants to know if I forgive him that I'm not taking him back out of comfort - but because I truly love him and believe he's absolutely right for me. He's said he'll move on when I tell him to. If I say I'm not interested in a future and I'm in love with someone else, he'll let go. But he wants to prove to me that he's only faithful to me, even if we're single. Part of my rocd was "how do I know he's the one if it's my first relationship?" and the soocd was "how will I ever be certain of my sexuality, especially while being in a relationship?" I will say this heartbreak has shown me how real my love for him was. Any time I struggled with rocd was just that - rocd. Not the doubts. Because I loved this man with every fiber in me and I miss him every second despite the pain he caused. As much emotional torment I'm in right now, I do this is as an opportunity to become more sure of myself. And if there is a future where I forgive him, I'll be more confident that he's the one for me. Like maybe it'll be a blessing in disguise. Like I said, it also showed me how real my feelings were and maybe without this, I would still struggle with rocd. There's also the fact that he wouldn't have taken his mental health seriously before if he didn't mess up this bad, which sucks it took THIS. However I just don't have any interest in seeing anyone else...I just want him. He's the only one I'm physically attracted to. I've never been through this and it's truly so painful. I'm just really anxious because my ocd is telling me I need to go hookup with girls to just experiment and be in my "wild phase" but I don't want to..but it's telling me I have to. And maybe I'm just scared? Or internally homophobic? Or maybe it's just simply because I'm actually straight lol. I don't know. I just feel pressure to just do anything and everything (not now, but when I feel I'm ready) A very real possibility is they I wont't learn anything and I'll just fuel OCD and it'll make me 10x worse. This was just a rant but any insight would be appreciated - in regards to dealing with cheating & heartbreak in general. Or maybe if you've gone through this with a partner that deals with mental illness too. As well as anyone who struggles with OCD and has dealt with this pressure of feeling like you need to hookup with other people and just go wild after a breakup to learn about yourself. Thank you guys <3

I am so scared that my best friend is getting tired of me. I don’t want to be angry at her for no reason, I am not sure if there even is a reason or I am over analyzing everything. I am so scared that we are drifting apart.

Is it normal that I don’t feel these thoughts to be as invasive after reading into HOCD? Or is it just me being in denial about my orientation.

Does anyone else struggle with hand washing/contamination OCD? I feel like it’s not talked about enough that OCD although it’s a mental illness it can have a very real physical impact on a person as well. For me, I used to struggle with compulsive hand washing. It wasn’t so much that I would touch something, and need to wash my hands, it was more so I would just sit at the sink and need to do it over and over again until it felt “right”. But I have gotten better with it, and have done a lot of exposure therapy for it, but my hands and arms still suffer from the brutality of it with the harsh soaps and excessive washing. It feels like my hands and arms are always really dry and despite how much I try to moisturize, just from the amount of time I spent doing it my skin was really damaged. Let me know if anyone has struggled in a similar way?

Cant agreeing with your intrusive thoughts make them worse? Or make you believe it?? Like if my ROCD questions whether I love my bf, and I answer with “well maybe I don’t”, won’t I start believing it??? Or if I have negative self talk like “you’re so lazy”, and I agree, isn’t that harming my mental health? How can agreeing with intrusive thoughts actually be better? Or am I doing something wrong? Cause now I’m panicking that I’m doing it all wrong and getting worse.

I never knew what intrusive thoughts were until I research up the exact thoughts I’ve been having. I am not diagnosed or sure this is what I have but it felt like a relief. Now although I’m not nearly as anxious as I was prior to educating myself on HOCD, in beginning to feel like it’s just me trying to hide my truth. Back when I was younger I acted on things that I didn’t realize could be as detrimental as they are, I’m like well I used to watch girls kiss? Does that mean I’m gay? I didn’t know any better, now I’m just left confused once again. At the time I didn’t think much into it and I never had a crush on a girl or would consistently think about it. But as my intrusive thoughts enter my mind i being to remember those behaviors and feel like it’s me just lying to myself that your in denial and you are this way, it’s unsettling. I feel like if I could erase those actions when I was younger I wouldn’t be struggling the way I am. I don’t remember truly enjoying it or feeling a certain way after. It’s more scaring then it is enjoyable.

What does non-engagement mean to you when it comes to your thoughts does it mean out of mind thought out of mind; does it mean go about your day and let your thoughts go wherever; or does it mean have a sort of relaxed Inner vision, where you see and feel your thought but you’re just not responding to it? I generally go out of sight out of mind as a way to not engage but that seems to be a form of suppression but it’s not a hard-core suppression it’s just sort of soft and it gives me a sense of control which I don’t have otherwise. what about you what do you think we’re supposed to do and what it is that you do? what about when you get a fireworks display of a cluster of images and or memories all at once?

I'm 34/f. I take 200mg of Zoloft. I am also a teacher. I had a very bad spike back in April that resulted in me moving from Zoloft 150mg to 200mg. This past week we were about to go on fall break and I was stressed due to a fight with my mother and making assignments and grading things. On Tuesday I was making a quiz for my AP lit. Kids. The point of these tests are supposed to be super hard so I was having to create wrong answers for it. The quiz was over a poem about good and evil (because we are preparing to read Frankenstein) and I made this question: 3. The lines “they are a fundamental force/ within the hearts of men” implies Good and Evil are a result of Original Sin The concepts of Good and Evil only exist because they were created by humans Humans will always be coerced by both Good and Evil Free will does not affect the strength of Good and Evil It was response B that I created that immediately made me have a panic attack. My brain spiraled. If these are human concepts, then what stops us from being evil? What if I start being evil and hurting people as a result? And then to test myself, I would think of something evil I could do and see if that gave me anxiety. Sometimes it would, but most of the time it didn't, so not have anxiety made me feel like something was wrong. Since then I have felt flat and of course have tried to think about harming someone and then judging my reaction. I talked with my best friend about it today who brought up how even in the animal kingdom, they don't kill their own (without necessity) and this calmed me for a while but it came back later with a vengeance. I tried to think that my lack of panic was probably due to the Zoloft working "in some ways" but the flatness made me worried that like I was starting to not care about anything? Like a sociopath? And then I was worried about my meds not working or this being something else. I usually have spikes every 2 years or so, but this is just 9 months after the other so that's weird. Can anyone relate?

I’ve never seen the Dahmer show but it has been an extreme trigger and i can’t seem to escape. I see his face, the show everywhere and people are constantly talking about it. I keep picturing things that i don’t want to see, i keep picturing things that he has done. I keep picturing myself behind bars because i did something terribly wrong. Not only that but i thought the show was a trigger for me but then a realized i was thinking about him and other serial killers while my harm ocd was just beginning to get bad before the show was released. So the fact that i was thinking mg about this stuff before is scaring me to the core. I’m scared of ending up like him but since i have bad thoughts about this stuff before does it mean that i want it to happen? Do i like my thoughts because I’ve thought about them before? I’m so scared. Can anyone relate? Or is it just me?

Its like my brain wont let me be happy. Ill catch myself deep in work and realize that im feeling pretty good and not having as many intrusive thoughts. My brain then has to analyze why and says things like "your happy when your not thinking about her, you should just leave the relationship". Ughhhh.. I hate this so much.

Hello I posted this morning I come from uk but no response. Please can I have some advice. I keep thinking I’ve sexual assaulted a child and it has caused a lot of upset and worry to myself. I stay at my boyfriends house, and his bedroom is opposite to the spare room where his 9 year old nephew has been staying. And I keep thinking I’ve sexual assaulted the nephew, I never went in the nephews room, just near the room and the door was open. While I was walking past the room it was night time so a bit dark, I touched the wall I see that as compulsion but why would I touch the wall?? Possibly so I knew where my hands were but I dunno? And toilet door I tried to push it but got the wrong side, but what if it was nephews room and not the toilet door, I can’t be 100 percent sure because it’s night time so a bit dark. I know I would never want to harm anyone or anything. Help please 😓😓very worried and upset

How bad can hocd get if you keep giving yourself reassurance and checking all the time?

If I let the anxiety run its course, I'm supposed to feel relief right? But if I'm compulsing I also feel a form of release, do they feel different?

Is it possible to experience arousal to an intrusive image during sex? It’s so hard cuz I always get nervous having sex because the intrusive images will be there so I try to not think about it but then it pops in and then I feel arousal to it. Why does this happen sometimes? It really feels like I’m turning into what I fear? It’s so real.

Does anyone feel guilty after therapy? I know I have experienced guilt after my therapy session and start obsessing on if I was talking too much or if I said something wrong? Does anyone feel embarrassed sometimes when they share what their OCD makes them do with compulsions? I know logically that there is nothing wrong with sharing in therapy, or being open and honest to receive help, but sometimes my OCD makes me question it and doubt myself, and I wanted to see if anyone could relate?

I keep having intrusive thoughts about my partners past. He has said he has never cheated. I believe him but feel like I need 100% proof to back it up. I'm also worried about finding out he has cheated in his past. I have snooped in the past and found no evidence of him cheating, so is it irrational that I'm still obsessed by it? (My ex cheated)