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the NOCD Community

My last ERP therapist was aggressive. Not sure if it’s supposed to be that way but I always felt worse after our sessions. Is that suppose to happen? Can ERP not work for everyone?

Do you have any ideas/inspiration for exposures on partner-focused ROCD? I struggle with my partners physical flaws, it's very distressing for me even though I find it ridiculous that a simple thing like hair or face shape can cause me so much irritation. Furthermore I sometimes have problems with my partners behaviour, like making a lot of jokes or behing a bit hyperactive (this is mainly the case when I don't feel good/feel tired etc). I stopped confessing to people how I feel about his flaws. My main ritual is to constantly look at or think about the things that are bothering me and check my feeling. I ask myself If that means we are not compatible or if I don't find him attractive (enough), at the same time I have a lot of shame. I really want to work on this because I don't want this to destroy the wonderful thing I have. So I think I need to start doing the work. I'll also see him this Friday for the first time in over a month (due to ldr) and I'm a bit nervous how things will go. Any advice?

Does anyone else struggle to take medication? I am fine when it comes to over the counter medication, but I get very anxious when it comes to medications that treat anxiety/ocd… I’m working with a therapist right now in regards to it, but I had a bad experience with one medication and now it’s extremely difficult for me to want to take medication to get better, since I have anxious thoughts about the medication which makes me avoid it. I know it’s kinda ironic since the medication would help those thoughts, but I’m scared to have the symptoms and to feel sick. Can anyone relate to this?

The fact that ive been sexually abused by my exes and even my father makes it impossible to trust any male figure regardless of age. I constantly am up at night ( like right now at 4-5AM ) ruminating if theres anything else i remember them doing but it doesnt do me any help because i want to remember any little detail. Sometimes when im at the gym i find difficultly distinguishing whats really happening to whats not. I dont trust people coming up to me because my false memory tells me they raped me and “ i just dont remember it “ and it makes me so uneasy, i cannot trust anyone and im not okay with any sort of physical touch, it feels hopeless to get out of this void since all my OCD intrusive thoughts are sexual, incest, or rape because its what disturbs me the most and will ruin my day Immediatley. I had to leave the gym today because i couldnt stop crying because of my thoughts, theyre so distressing and being hyper aware of my body sensations dont help me one bit. Any advice is appreciated as i feel super hopeless at this point.

Feeling really down. It’s my birthday and my ocd has majorily spiked. It started getting bad on Sunday. Could use some encouragement

I talk to this one girl online, she’s the coolest and sweetest! But I think she’s going through a tough time with her illness and it just sounds like it keeps getting worse. I had a thought pop up saying “die” at one point, I feel like total shit for it. I was excited this morning because I felt great waking up but when I read her message I felt sorry for her and after a couple of seconds I got that intrusive thought and it felt like I meant it but damn, I know I don’t what the fuck 😔. Now I can’t stop thinking about it. And before I would have intimate thoughts of me and her doing things. but that one I think was legit. It’s cause I like her but when I look back at it it’s such a shitty thing to be thinking about. and yesterday I was with a group of friends and he was complaining about how this chick won’t message him quick and I said don’t worry man I talk to this one chick who I sent a text on Saturday but she just text back yesterday. Just trying to give him an idea like hey yours isn’t as bad as mine. But we’re not even like talking to be bf or gf. I just want to be happy but ocd is def making me feel guilty and wanting to confess to my online friend 😔!

Every time I prayed for “clarity” somebody other than my boyfriend would pop up. What does that mean. Even tho I want him 😭😭😭

About a month and a half ago I broke up with my girlfriend of almost 3 years. I had relentless doubts/anxiety about whether or not it was the “right” relationship for me. I would always analyze my relationship with Google searches and ask family/friends their opinion of my relationship. The expression of all these doubts that I had, made it seem clear to others that I just hadn’t found “the one” or that it just wasn’t the “right relationship” yet. Over time I began to agree with these opinions. Assuming that if I was in the “right” relationship, I wouldn’t have these relentless doubts. I had repetitive thoughts that I needed to end the relationship or commit to marriage with her right now. These thoughts caused me a lot of anxiety and often times I was lost in my head instead of being in the present. It felt as if I was just swimming in constant anxiety/doubt month after month. I got to a point where I felt depressed and even irritable when it came to her/the relationship. One day I decided that it must just not be the “right relationship/person” if I’m having all of these doubts and that she deserved someone who could give her more reassurance about the future. I felt that I wasn’t being the boyfriend that I thought she deserved. So I broke up with her. I was relieved for a few weeks. I felt I had a clear mind now that I wasn’t thinking so much about it anymore. It seemed like I had made a good, but difficult, decision. Recently, that anxiety has come right back to me. And then I learned about ROCD. I’ve now been stuck in a constant loop of ruminating about whether ROCD is the reason I broke up with her. From what I’ve read and learned about, it seems that I need to become okay with being uncertain about the situation. I’m still new to this, so I’m looking forward to learning more from my therapy sessions. I don’t really know what I’m hoping to get out of posting this. It’s just difficult feeling like I can’t trust my own thoughts/feelings. The possibility that I broke up with her bc of ROCD makes me feel sick. But I don’t feel that I could attempt to get back with her unless I felt a little more certain about the relationship. I don’t want to be focused on finding clarity or certainty. However, I’m very new to all of this. I feel overwhelmed, defeated, confused, and paralyzed about everything.

hello, i haven’t seen anyone else talk about this, yet it is something that is really bothering me. I’m 15 years old, and my parents are in their 50s and while i know this is not “old” i’m still scared for the day that i loose them, and everyone’s response is always “cope” or “it’s inevitable” but i honestly don’t know what to do, and i’m starting to come to the conclusion that i’d rather die than have them gone from my life, and this has made me not only suicidal, but hopeless honestly. Does anyone have any advice at all?

I have been struggling with OCD since I was 6. I did not know what it was and I always thought something was not right with me. (Pure O) I hyperfixated on things like end of the world and my sexuality from as young as I can remember. When I was 17 I hit a really low point dealing with ROCD AND SO-OCD. I was diagnosed with OCD and given lexapro 10mg. My OCD was never directly treated. I thought I was normal now since my lexapro was working great. Jan 1st 2022 was the scariest day of my life. After 5 years, my OCD “came back.” This time with a new relationship (a safe and healthy relationship). I was distraught that it came back and I had no idea what to do. I started seeing a therapist (no OCD background) and tried so many things to feel better. (red flag #1) I was DESPERATE FOR RELIEF! My obsessions switched from ROCD, to SO-OCD to fixated on WW3/Nuclear war from the war with Russia and Ukraine. It consumed everyday of my life and every single thought. I finally found NOCD in July. I have been working with Meghin since then. Only until this month have I actually ACCEPTED MY THOUGHTS! I no longer wish my OCD was gone. I just decided we would be friends. I DID THE EXPOSURES! I still do everyday. I did the scariest of all and I continue to purposely make myself anxious. Once you do what you’re the most scared of, you realize you are in complete control. I have intrusive thoughts all the time. I love myself and all the silliness in my mind. It is hard some days but STAY STRONG. Do your exposures. DO NOT ENGAGE IN COMPULSIONS!!!!! It is the hardest thing in the world but I have never felt more at peace in all my life. Each day is a new adventure but I no longer wake up with complete dread. I know that no matter what thoughts come up and what happens I CAN HANDLE IT! Meditating has helped me a lot to regain control of my mind when I am ruminating and bringing my attention to the present even when the thoughts seem SO IMPORTANT that I HAVE to think about it. No! You! Don’t! Please do the triggers that scare you the most. Do them more then once. Do it when it’s not convient so that you have to sit with the discomfort. Sit with it. It will pass. And as you stay committed it last for shorter amounts of time. YOU CAN DO TJIS.

Hi guys I’m not one to post but I feel my ocd has taken such a toll on me to where I’m starting to lose my identity. I’ve struggled with OCD since my mid teens but it became impactful when I was 18-19. It has gotten worse and worse by the year, as I am now 28. After years of trying all conventional therapies such as every approved SSRI medication, talk therapy (which I now realize is detrimental), ERP, CBT, TMS, gamma knife radiation, I’m at a point where I don’t want to give up but starting to lose myself. 2 and a half years ago I went to an inpatient clinic called the Rogers Behavioral Health Center in Wisconsin. While it helped me tremendously with not seeking reassurance and learning to deal with uncertainty, it did not help much with the constant feelings of distress which come from a chemical imbalance. I have existential OCD, so I used to constantly seek reassurance regarding life questions, and while I do not hardly at all anymore, my ocd finds ways to attack. I am from Louisiana and moved to texas in September of 2020 after I got back from Rogers as I felt it would be a great exposure for OCD. Since moving I have accomplished a lot to be proud of, but I have also failed miserably. The day I moved to June of 2021, my ocd always caused distress everyday and made each day hard, but it never got to a point where I couldn’t feel like I could do a basic task or have the slightest thing set me off until then. I got fired from a job in April of 2022 and got my gamma knife treatment in june, but since august or so, I have had feelings of self hatred everyday and constantly hate myself for getting let go as I let an irrational ocd trigger feel like it controlled me in my role even though I was more than qualified. I’m at a point where money isn’t even so much on my mind right now, I just want a life back where I can go to work and not worry about my job security, or can keep and maintain a relationship. I go to the gym regularly and try to put myself out there, but I’m at a point where I’m absolutely physically, mentally, and emotionally worn out from this. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do? Is anyone else going through anything similar? Because it is getting to a point where I almost wished I could just go to bed and not wake up. I just cannot deal with the feelings of failing anymore because of irrational ocd triggers. I want to be able to wake up and have a mind where I’m at peace, even if uncertainty is still an issue.

I need help or someone to listen to

hi everyone. will there really be a life after recovery? i feel so depressed. will i have ever know that i love my boyfriend? will i have ever be attracted to him? i can’t even feel in love with him and it breaks my heart. i feel hopeless

I have intrusive thoughts every single second. Even when I am in shower there is monologue in my head that I am lost and went crazy. I question my every decision. My thoughts are absolutely nonsensical like I am gonna put socks on me than I have thought if that is normal after that I get thought if I was putting same socks before. Its complete madness. I fear schizophrenia and thats my main obsession. Seems like whatever I do i can not get out of that circle because my mind comes with another nonsense second after. I fear I will be stucked like this forever and that I need to be institutionalised. I feel like i have to question my every thought or I will act insanely. I feel like i am daydreaming, out of reality, with no memory or power over my mind. Can anyone relate ? Did anyone overcome it ?

I’m finding it frustrating to get a post seen here. I’ve asked about anyone jn my age range (midlife) and also if anyone has been healed from body-focused repetitive behaviors (like nail biting or hair pulling), and haven’t received a response. It’s left me feeling extremely alone on this platform. Is it 99% age preteen to 20-somethings? Not to diminish their very real OCD issues, but we face different challenges as older adults. I am looking for peers. And I’m looking for anyone really of any age that has found help for their BFRBs. Mine are out of control. My nails are awful. I’ve had to file teeth a few times in the last year due to chipping and creating grooves due to nail biting, and I can’t seem to stop. It’s getting WORSE. I literally have tendinitis in my elbow that’s due to nail and cheek biting. Last time I had to get a cortisone shot in it due to a fluid collection that was caused! I need HELP.

Hi guys ! I am a new member of the community and this is my first post. I'm sorry for its length, I'll try to sum up as clearly as possible (english is not my first language). So, I think I have OCD for nearly 10 years now. I realised what it was maybe 1 year ago and I started therapy just after that. (My therapist is not ERP trained but we're currently looking for one).  It all started pretty abruptly when I was around 13/14 years old. I was having pretty bad intrusive thoughts, almost 24/7, very dark and violent. A majority of them were about sexuality and it turned quickly into obsessions, especially POCD. I was telling all the thoughts I was having to my mother and it was, for both of us, a rough period. It has stuck with me since then, with ups and downs.  Since I realised what it was, and started therapy, my POCD fell deeply asleep. Other obsessions started to rise when I met my boyfriend (ROCD, obsession about STI/STD, ...). It is my first loving and serious relationship and I met him while I was starting therapy so I thought that it was maybe normal for my OCD to be on fire since it's a lot of changes at once. It has been a rough year because even if my POCD was almost nonexistent, my OCD spread to other themes and symptoms were pretty intense.  But several weeks ago, my POCD woke up again.  I always had groinal responses linked to that and it made me very very anxious and depressed. It had a great impact on my sex life because I was experiencing intrusive thoughts during intimacy with partners and on my own. They were always happening because I was anxious to have intrusive thoughts beforehand, or because I suddenly felt anxious, in the middle of a moment, and was scared about having intrusive thoughts. I was feeling such shame and guilt, because these intrusive thoughts were sometimes followed by orgasms. For some periods of time, I stopped having some alone time and any sexual activities because of that. Before I knew about OCD, I felt like a monster and I was experiencing so much distress. What calmed me down was thinking that maybe, during all these years, I got my brain used to feel arousal when thinking about children and that it was just a body reflex and nothing more. When I heard about groinal response, it was such a relief, because I could read about people that were experiencing the same thing and that it was directly linked to anxiety.  Before knowing about OCD, I was living through cycles. I could sometimes go through a whole year without falling down into the spiral, without obsessing over the thought that I was a monster, without having almost any intrusive thoughts. And then just like that, in the blink of an eye, it would fall on me again without any warning. It would then have me stuck in my head for months. It was an endless cycle, and I knew, everytime when I was getting back onto my feet, that it was just a matter of time before falling again. When my POCD fell asleep again (when I started therapy), the groinal responses faded and my sex life wasn't impacted anymore. It was great. I was breathing again because I wasn't feeling like such a horrible person. Yes my OCD was latching onto other themes but they were not making me feel like I was a monster. But several weeks ago, I realised that, during a moment with my boyfriend, I thought about children but it didn't feel like intrusive thoughts. It felt like some wandering random thoughts and it was not even sexual. It was some images of children in a classroom, or in school, images of a random family... The fact that it didn't happen the way it always did made me anxious. Because it didn't feel like OCD, but just my thoughts wandering around. And after that, it happened again several times in a row. I tried to not think too much of it but I failed. Was it OCD ? Why did my thoughts wander in these places ? And why did it happen several times ? Now I am afraid that I don't even have OCD and that they were here for a reason. I'm exhausted. Has this already happened to anyone ? These kinds of thoughts ? And is it really "normal" to experience orgasm after having intrusive thoughts ? I feel like I just convinced myself that I have OCD because it would mean that I am not a fucked up person... I don't have a lot of physical compulsions, and I am starting to doubt my mental ones, are they really compulsions ?  Also, one of the reasons I doubt my OCD is because I don't feel like my thoughts are irrational. For example my obsession about STD/STI started because I got diagnosed with HPV, my ROCD started after my boyfriend and I had a deep unsettling conversation and he proposed to me. I know OCD is irrational and I don't feel irrational. When I went to my therapist for the first time, I told her that I was thinking about OCD and after a while she told me that she was thinking about it too, but I am afraid that I led her to this path. I know she is a professional and she has a (short) training for OCD. But I'm afraid that I biased her thinking. Thank you if you read through it all, I hope my english is not too bad and if you're struggling, I am with you <3.

Scared about starting erp. Afraid I'll become a different person or that I'll become what I've been fearing and obessessing over. Will the therapy depress me and lead me to something like suicide. Not that I am suicidal but I am afraid I would get so sad or disheartened that I become that.

What are things to do to help with Body dysmorphia and self confidence ? I find myself being hateful to others because of the way I feel about myself. I obsess over pictures and ask my boyfriend constantly about my body. I stress over going to events and taking pictures. Lately it’s been harder to lose weight too, so some clothes haven’t been fitting which does NOT help. I feel so depressed over it. I’ll never be happy with myself.

going through a breakup and my intrusive thoughts are having a field day. making me feel like everything is my fault when that wasn’t the case at all. im struggling so much.

I wish I hadn’t have deliberately imagined the the thoughts to test myself. It feels like I’ve confused myself and now there’s no answers. I think while testing myself with these thoughts to see how I would react, I was hoping I would have a strong negative reaction to them with bad anxiety, which did happen but somehow I’ve confused myself into thinking the anxiety made the thought feel like an urge and my body went into fight or flight mode and now I’m thinking that reaction was me liking the feeling of doing that horrible thing in my thought. Now every time I have an intrusive thought and I get anxiety, I no longer feel like it’s anxiety and instead think it’s me desperate to do that because I l understood what it feels like and now I want to do that. Before i deliberately imagined the thoughts and got myself in this mess I would just brush all thoughts off as intrusive and felt okay but now I’ve got myself in this tangled mess of no answers, and it’s more scary than ever because I’m mistaking my own feelings. I feel so sick to the core that I’ve started believing that I like the feeling of doing that and this has all happened because of experimenting with the thoughts in my mind. I’m worried what if I’ve understood something I shouldn’t have and now I want to carry those evil things out but I’m not bad at the same time or the main thing that worries me. When it feels like an urge it feels like that’s about to happen and I keep thinking what if I’m desperate to do that and I’m the future I give in and it’s horrible, how did my life become like this.out of all the intrusive thoughts I’ve ever had this is the worst thing, I was saying it out loud to my dad for the first time yesterday ‘I imagined doing that to test myself and now It feels like I like the feeling of doing that’ and it just sounded so strange like what am I even saying what am I voicing out, what the hell is going on, how did my life get like this, I definitely must be confusing my feelings, I mean is that a thing? Can you have false feelings or can you confuse your feelings and feel like you like imagining something. I know that I don’t want to do that I hate it it’s disgusting but my anxiety and feelings are making me feel like I like imaging doing that and when I get an urge with an intrusive thought it feels like I would like the feeling of doing that, how can I like the feeling of doing something I have never done and that I am crying everyday about and is making me feel so terrible, I’m so confused, I mean people on here say ‘ocd tries to convince me I like the thoughts’ but idk if mine is ocd or me, because it feels like my feelings are making me convinced or that, what if it’s true? I feel so terrible. This problem all started because of this horrible documentary I watched but the man who done the evil things was living a normal life he was married and had kids and suddenly killed them and then I started worrying because why was he living a normal life then did that. I use to think the normal things I do mean that I’m not bad but now I’m thinking what if living a normal life you can still be bad 😞😞😞😞