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the NOCD Community

Interested to know whether anyone here feels there ocd is the result of engagement or exposure - intentional or not - to some occultic practice?

Hey guys - I wanted to share something that has helped me in my ocd journey - in becoming stronger in myself. At first glance, Attachment Theory seems unrelated to OCD. Basically, if you haven’t heard of it - it’s a way of describing our relationships to other people - if we avoid them, constantly need to be closer to them, or are happy in the middle. The three insecure types are dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, and anxious attachment. And then there’s secure. (I’ll attach an article at the end so you can read in more detail if interested). People with insecure attachment tend to deal with negative beliefs about themselves - like “I’m not good enough” or, “I’m not worthy of love” or “I am not emotionally safe”. Our behavior in our relationships is indicative of our own self concept, our self esteem, and these insecurities. Whether we constantly doubt if people are mad at us, worry about the state of our relationships, or try to avoid being hurt by others - are indications of different attachment styles. Now here’s how it relates. OCD has a lot to do with our self concept, our sense of self, and our self esteem - because of the way it latches onto our values and makes us doubt those things. A quote from a recent study on attachment in OCD patients says “Anxious attachment is common in patients with OCD and interconnects with primary OCD symptomatology.” Furthermore, “Insecure attachment leads to the formation of dysfunctional beliefs about the world and self, which influences the dynamics of OCD. It is associated with maladaptive cognitive processes such as an inflated sense of responsibility, perfectionism, and mind control. With worse emotional regulation and reduced self-esteem (which can also result from insecure attachment), it can lead to maladaptive behaviour such as perfectionistic and compulsive behaviour to secure and stabilize self-worth and safety.” Here’s the article in case you’re interested: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34506091/ One hallmark of a securely attached person is that their sense of self is strong. They are more trusting in relationships and also of their own instincts. So, looking at this data - Well it makes sense to assume that learning better emotional regulation and improving self esteem may lessen perfectionist and compulsive behavior - Basically, healing attachment style can perhaps lessen the severity of OCD, as it will make you have a stronger sense of self. *now, just a disclaimer. Take this as you will- you are the one that knows where you’re at in your recovery journey. ERP should be a top priority but this is something that may help on the side 🤗 Good news! If you’re insecurely attached- you can heal this. Look up Personal Development School online and take an attachment test. Once you have your result, there are free videos on YouTube under Personal Development School for you to access and learn about your own tendencies. If you’re interested in attachment here are some resources for you: Article - “Attachment Style May Influence Obsessive Compulsive Symptoms” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-trauma/202205/attachment-style-may-influence-obsessive-compulsive-symptoms?amp Book - “Attached” by Amir Levine Personal Development School - heal your attachment style through online courses. https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/quiz/?utm_source=google-search&utm_medium=cpc-lead&utm_campaign=18002521897&utm_term=&gc_id=18002521897&h_ad_id=615763633191&utm_content=personal%20development%20school&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI1I_xlKCP_gIVFRDnCh2FZw22EAAYASAAEgJtcfD_BwE Sending love to you guys ❤️ I know how hard it can be. But I also know this - you can do this.

TW: Moral scrupulosity There are many ways I can think of describing my experience with OCD and yet none of them can truly do it justice to the non-sufferer. If you have never been held on a death grip by a cycle of rumination, or been detached from all of reality as you know if coming out of that cycle, then I can not do it justice with my writing alone. OCD is one of those things that you cannot truly know until you have experienced it. But I can try, I can try to explain how it feels. I have concluded that it is bleakest war one could ever fight, bleak because it’s me against myself and yet neither of us can truly see things for what they are, like a dark fog clouding all sense of judgement. I have once described it like how I imagine being physically stuck in a liminal space would feel like, a space with no exits, just a backwards and forwards pacing with the extreme urgency to exit but to no avail. It’s a vicious illness, the harder you try to pull yourself out of the darkness, the quicker you sink into it - very much like quicksand. Now, imagine that battle internally, while existing in the outside world as one must, tending to all obligations and errands like every other person, but with this battle on constant repetition every single day inside the mind - that is what life is like for an OCD sufferer. It is brutally testing, and what makes it all the more brutal is the way a sufferer feels like nobody can or would understand. So we end up suffering in silence most of the time. Why does the sufferer feel like that? Why can’t they just talk to a loved one or a friend? Because that’s how OCD thrives, it convinced us nobody can or will understand, the theme is too horrific, too real, too bad to talk to anyone about it. What if it’s not OCD at all?…What if I really am an evil of bad person?…What if I deserve punishment?… What if someone realises I am really a bad person and I do get punished?…How can I figure this out?…How can I truly know? Before you know it, years have passed asking the same questions internally, seeking the same reassurance externally, and fighting the same battles daily. I have often thought, the only way it will truly end is in the grave, and yet I hope it’ll end sooner. I hope I’ll know one day what it feels like to live my life, to breathe and feel free like any other person. To see the trees for what they are, not for what they are and whether I’m deserving of being able to see the trees at all.

I had a dream about my physically abusive ex a couple nights ago and the thought of him has been lingering around in my head. Today it’s like my mind is comparing my bf to my abusive ex. As in if they look alike (which they really don’t, they have the same hair color and almost like same hands or feet lol) but that’s about it, if they act the same (which they don’t, but my mind is making it seem like they do), etc. I absolutely hate my ex, and literally sometimes my bf would do something that would remind me of my ex (not in an abusive type of way) but it would trigger me. And now sometimes it makes me feel like I’m with my ex boyfriend or like my brain will make my bf look like my ex if that makes sense? & like sometimes I would see my ex’s face on my bf face or if I’m cuddling w my boyfriend it’ll make me feel like I’m cuddling w my ex which I ABSOLUTELY HATE. It’s so annoying bc my current boyfriend is an angel, treats me so fucking well, and I want to marry this man. This shit that is going on w my mind about my ex is making me not want to look at him or it keeps making me check or compare on how my bf acts vs how my ex acted. Please if someone went through this please let me know bc it’s making me feel like I can’t be w my boyfriend.

This weekend I had a Jekyll and Hyde moment. I’m obsessing over someone and trying to find out more information about them. In my OCD anxious state I was thinking I could get some information from a few of her friends. Later on when I was out of that state I was able to tell her to warn her friends. Seriously I can’t believe it’s gotten to this point. When OCD is kicking in I’m like a different person with an insane drive that I have no control over.

Does anyone ever feel like they can’t do anything beneficial for themselves relating to their future and progression with themselves bc of ocd and what it does? It could be the most simple or far reaching goal like going to the gym or wanting to strive for a specific career. Those are just examples. I’m just curious to know if anyone struggles with this.

TW - Value in God's eyes I've been very depressed with the thought that God loves the Jews more and gave them the promises and went to the Jews first, even as Jesus, and initially the Gentiles were left out. And one of the few people I talk to about this is my aunt. But still, nobody really seems to understand me, and everyone tries to prove that I'm wrong, and she is no exception. But, not talking about that, now I get to what I am asking: The other day I was talking to her and she told me, like she had several times before, that we all get to make our own decisions about what we believe, speaking of my interpretations of some verses in the Bible. I responded, "I didn't choose to believe this way -- I don't want to believe this way." But she responded, "We all do choose how to believe. That is why nobody can choose for us." Any input on this would be helpful. Do you think she's right, that I'm choosing to believe this way? Do you think she could possibly just not understand my situation? Do you think I should tell her something like I am not understanding her perspective, thinking that everyone always has a choice to choose what they believe? I don't know what to say, or if I should even say anything...

I keep getting so fixated on my breathing and then it will go away for a few months and then come back when I get stressed. It's just so frustrating I don't even understand what I'm scared of ??? Focusing on my breathing? It just feels like I have to breath manually and I can't stop thinking about it and it's just scary! And frustrating! I want to be in the moment not thinking about a completely normal bodily function! Sorry for the nonsensical rant it's just frustrating! Wondering if anyone else deals with sensorimotor ocd?

I’m scared of going to therapy/counseling incase I slip up and tell to much and get put into a mental hospital or CPS will get involved (I am 18 but the age of majority is 19 in my state so until next year I can still be taken and put into a foster home) I’m scared of being on medication, when I was around 8-9 my mom had me so medicated for my anxiety and OCD I would sit there and drool on myself…as embarrassing as it is it’s true. I’m scared of being diagnosed with something else and it limiting me in the future. I’m scared of my therapist/counselor going home at the end of the day and making fun of me or telling my story to people. Anyone else have any experiences like this or advice? Thanks!

Hi my ocd is constant worrying I feel like I have to worry about something in my mind until It’s clear in my mind. For example if I have worry’s in my mind before I go on a plane If I don’t think the thoughts through so that it’s clear in my mind I feel that it will make the plane crash. Hope this makes sense what I’m asking is what erp can I do to stop this

My dog has a habit of eating my earplugs, and when he has he just poops it out. My mom told me to be more careful with my earplugs and I have been but I left it out yesterday and there was only one earplug on my bedside table so I think he ate one. It’s giving me so much anxiety because I’m worried it’ll block his intestinal track. He’s pooped twice since then and there hasn’t been an earplug, but online some websites say it can take up to a few days. I’m really worried and I’m scared if something happens it’ll be all my fault. But I think if he did have blockage he would show signs so I’ll know if I need to take him to the vet. This is stressing me out so much

OCD can take a lot away from a person, because they are consistently living in fear. It's difficult to do anything you enjoy, or to feel any motivation at all to accomplish goals. What has OCD stopped you from doing?

My OCD at the moment is related to suicidal OCD. I've never attempted suicide and genuinely don't want to hurt myself. It began when I was having existential OCD & I was thinking things like "what if my family and loved ones aren't real" etc. Became pretty depressing thoughts. Through some self ERP I've been able to start recovering from the Existential OCD but one day it started to come back and I had an intrusive thought "Can you live the rest of your life like this" and "What if life is meaningless". It scared me into to thinking maybe I was becoming suicidal and made me super anxious. Started googling Suicidal Ideation vs Suicidal OCD and spun out of control a bit. Now, when trying to practice ERP for Suicidal OCD I've read scripts, held knifes and stopped doing most of my compulsions but when the thought comes up and I'm NOT anxious I associate it with me Wanting to hurt myself. Like, if I'm not anxious while having the intrusive thoughts it makes me feel like maybe that's what I actually want to do 😭 Its so distressing. I've literally never been suicidal my while life even after living with ocd for years. I don't want to K*ll myself. I don't want the people around me to worry that I will. I want to heal from my Existential OCD completely but now with depression and Suicidal OCD it feels more difficult 😢 How do you do ERP for Suicidal thoughts when you're afraid it'll affirm them and lead you to eventually do it?

does anyone else spend a ton of time wondering if they are a toxic/manipulative/abusive/etc friend? slash googling qualities of a codependent/otherwise toxic friendship … and i feel like i can’t trust myself to judge whether or not i meet the criteria, since a bad person would probably think too highly of themself/not recognize they are toxic

Hey trigger warning here because idk if this is considered assault. So I’m really freaking out- I just remembered that 3 years ago I was with my boyfriend sleeping in his bed. I guess I was having a dream about him sexually and then I wake up to me accidentally giving him a hand job (in my sleep) and he pushes my hand away (probably in his sleep too) I’m horrified by this now, although I hadn’t thought to be until now and idek what to think. He was my first real sexual attraction and it was all very new to me so I guess I didn’t realize that this could be serious. We haven’t even talked in 3 years and things ended badly so I don’t think there’s any way to apologize to him. But I’m feeling very guilty rn and don’t know what to do at all I would never want to do this to someone intentionally but I’m worried it could happen again especially because I do have sexual dreams still and experience pleasure in my dreams by myself. And I’m worried about him now if this could have been traumatic for him even if he was asleep too. This hurts

Does hocd cause erectile dysfunction?

This guy I’m speaking to has a view and opinion that I can’t agree with, irs one I really really dislike and I made it very apparent. But am I to dislike him because of a view he has? He as a person he’s a lovely guy, but it’s just this one view that I’ve even had an argument about it with him, and it’s the only thing keeping me from being able to see myself with him because of it. I don’t want to hate someone for their options, even though it’s an incredibly old fashioned and backwards view, it doesn’t show anything on me dose it? Like it’s not my opinion, its not what I think it’s him. I try and forget about it when I’m talking to him but it’s now sitting with me. I don’t want anyone to think I’m a bad person for liking him, I don’t like his view and it strains my opinion on him a little, but it’s one against loads of other things. Idk I’m just worried

hey guys. wanted to share my story, hoping someone can relate and/or share theirs too (i'm a female, only ever been interested in dating boys). back when i was seventeen, i got a major breakdown and became riddled with anxiety when i was talking to a friend and they told me 'i should like girls'/'i should be with a girl'. i had never thought of that before, only had crushes on boys, never had been with anyone then. i was rushed to the ER with an anxiety crisis that jumped my heart rate to 200bpm, and followed up to that, i tried to implement things in my life that distracted me from my thoughts, like hanging out with friends. eventually, it faded away. but once in a while, i would get triggers of it, which would last for a few days, then fade away again. i never contemplated that it could be a form of OCD, as i never had any lights on what OCD was truly like (besides what we typically hear about OCD, the stereotypes of OCD sufferers being about cleaning and such). when i was twenty - and this happened during the transition to the pandemics, btw - i was going through some health issues and started performing compulsions related to health anxiety (it was never about covid, though, i was fine with it, i just thought i had cancer or something up in my head provoking pain that the doctors were dismissing - there was never anything, i did all the exams, my anxiety was provoking the pain and eventually it went away). a month later, i woke up in the middle of the night and was watching a video from one of my fav youtubers where she said she found out she liked girls too and that triggered my doubts once again. it was then, and during my online searching (which i shouldn't have done, but hey, that's what brings us here too!) that i realized OCD could be something i was suffering from. it was something that brought me some calm, as i realized that i could clearly identify some patterns and obsessions that weren't singled out (i mean, it was not only about my sexuality, as i spent the months before thinking i was gonna die of cancer and constantly looking up what i was feeling and what it meant). i've read - A LOT - about OCD, HOCD and therapy. i guess i thought i could deal with this on my own and for the past two years i was in fact able to shrug it off and accept the uncertainty. about a month ago, i had major changes in my life and felt like i lost a sense of who i am in terms of identity (job, college, etc). HOCD crawled back in. everything suddenly felt like a potential trigger. for the past few weeks i've been able to calm it down, remembering the steps i took before (reminding myself that thoughts are not always real or equal to my feelings, getting distracted) but sometimes i feel conflicted that the fact that i'm reacting in a less anxious way might mean i'm accepting my thoughts and i trigger anxiety back in when i think about that. does this make sense? i try to look at this in a rational way and ignore the intrusive thoughts. for instance, i think the reason why HOCD became a theme again is because i was also struggling with my relationship (which ended a few days ago) and i noticed a pattern here: back in 2020, i was also in a relationship that was doomed, and had daily doubts about whether or not i should continue in a relationship with the boy. rationally, i know it's not about sexuality - i've liked boys in the past years, i've been in relationships and i knew when it had to end due to communication or effort issues, even if it pained me to take the step and actually do it. i think my brain is tricking me now, telling me that because the relationship didn't work and that because i was disappointed with this boy it means that i should give up on only-liking-boys and try it with girls? (btw, have you guys heard of heteropessimism?) i never wanted to do that, but my brain is telling me i should and it's kind of a FOMO, which is ridiculous - at the same time, rationally i recognize that i'm just looking for validation. for example, i'm talking with male friends and wondering if i find them attractive, which is a compulsion i don't want to perform! i know i'm heartbroken and i'm just conflicted with the 'what ifs', which we know is the problem here, and that it might be OCD taking advantage of this vulnerable moment in my life. can you guys share your thoughts?

I’m trying to forget about this problem (I have beeen worrying because when I tested myself by deliberately imagining the intrusive thought it felt like I liked the feeling of imagining doing that action in the intrusive thought, the thoughts are about smothering) I’m trying to forget about it but I get triggered all the time, I got into a habit of constantly imagining the smothering thought to ‘check’ and just now I was scrolling on tiktok and there was a video of a parrot and my head thought of the smothering thought and then it felt like I ‘liked the feeling’ of smothering the Parrot when I imagined it but I don’t know if it’s the anxiety that’s making it feel like that but i don’t even know if it’s anxiety anymore because it’s not super strong anxiety but I’m just confused, after it felt like I would ‘like the feeling of smothering the parrot’ I scrolled away and then scrolled back to the video to continue deliberately imagining the thought until it feels like i ‘don’t like the feeling’ so I can continue with my dad, but when I initially saw the video with the parrot it’s like I remember the thought because I saw his beak and it suddenly felt like ‘I like the feeling of imagining squashing the parrot till it stops breathing’ (sorry that sounds horrible) but I don’t know how to explain it and the fact that that feeling exists I don’t know what to do because sometimes I will get reminded of the thought and that feeling and then feel like I have to test myself in the thought or jsut instantly it will feel like ‘I like the feeling’ I don’t know what to do , that feeling feels extremely real and the fact it makes me feel like I like the feeling of doing that makes it more real and I’m starting to believe I actually like the feeling of smothering ans it’s really scary

I just keep getting intrusive feelings constantly when I see actors and boxers… as well as the constant intrusive thoughts… the intrusive thoughts and feelings are automatic… please help me…