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I want to cry so bad im shaking. I feel so alone with all these awful thoughts and scenarios

I dont want to stop believing but i deal with alot of anxiety and guilt about being a good person or not, doing what God wants or not, sometimes even question if its true or not, so it gives me more stress than good... Today i went out with friends, i felt soo good, but everytime i make jokes, feel good about my personality i get scared and question is this acceptable for a christian? We talked about s*x cause we are in our 20's and then i felt guilt cause i shouldnt talk about this or joke about it. But at the same time if i would have a christian friend, talking all about good things would be boring... i know s*x isnt sin, we can talk about it but it mathers how you talk about it... so idk i slowly get depressed cause i dont know how should i act, what should i say, just saying things that "glorifies God" isnt possible and its boring, even that i like God i say it... i like my mother too but i dont tell everyone how good mother she is, or just talk about things that makes her a good mother... i dont know how should i behave to be good in Gods eyes

Hello, So with ERP has anyone noticed how anxiety weans and wanes the first few days you put your most effort in. For my anxiety has subsided by about 80% and it hasn’t been to the same levels it was before. One thing that does drive me a little mad is when OCD or intrusive thoughts try to catch you back into the loop and will try to throw anything at you to bring you back. How do you combat the waves I feel like the battle is easy but sometimes there was intense boss battles.

Lately I've been caught up ruminating my past...in the present day I'm a very sensitive, empathetic, non confrontational person who would like to be a good person to others. However as a child, I had moments of aggression...I was mean to my younger siblings. They annoyed the hell out of me, but I don't even know why. Now I know to some degree that's normal. But I was verbally cruel to them at times. Also sometimes physical. Same can be said with a friend or two I had. And sometimes I didn't understand where the aggression/irritability came from. I even once choked a friend as a young kid. To this day I can't remember why, but it's something I feel deep regret for. When it comes to my siblings, as I got older I began to feel less irritated and overall began to get closer to them. Once I was about 19, I feel we had established a good relationship. And now we are all very close. I had a very chaotic childhood and sometimes I wonder if my actions were just a result of that. My parent wasn't always the best, and I was exposed to situations I shouldn't have been and had been verbally and a few times physically abused. Sometimes I wonder if my irritability and behavior stemmed from that. But whatever the case, this has been fueling some Harm related OCD fears...am I a bad person? Could I enjoy being cruel to people? Have I had something wrong with me that I just learned to repress? Did I have intrusive thoughts as a kid and acted on them and that's why I choked that friend of mine when we were little? Why do these fears come with such weird mental sensations? Is it uncomfortable or comfortable? I have to not try and answer these questions. And I know in the present day I'm a very loving and gentle person despite the fears there's something inside that makes me bad. I've had OCD for a while, so I know what I need to do. I just needed to vent for a second. I know that when these aren't present I feel so content and just wanna be kind and good to the people I love and care about, strangers too! But when they are there I just feel unsure of who I am or why I was the way I was as a kid.

Can ocd thoughts turn into feelings? Does that make sense?

I can't believe my life has come to this point. I went 32 years with doing things "normally." Did I have some kinda gross habits? Sure, everyone does. (They are LONG gone now, I promise.) It took only around five or six months for my life to be turned inside out. I am afraid to use the bathroom. I am afraid to soil myself. Every little muscle movement down there becomes "potential for germs" and I am afraid to go check because I'd have to go to the bathroom and actually engage with my waste/waste areas. Then I am immobilized, feeling the need to change or shower, thinking, "do I need to clean the sofa? My bedding?" because I am unsure if I wet myself or not. I know deep down I don't, but the doubt is crippling. As are the "consequences". Anyone else might be embarrassed, clean up, and move on, but me? Everything would be contaminated. And not checking/cleaning/etc feels like a misdeed because I can't trust my own brain. I even now have an aversion to actually cleaning, especially the bathroom--which I used to really enjoy, it was fun and satisfying--because I could get germy in the process and contaminate everything I just cleaned, and the cycle begins anew. That makes it all worse. I feel like I must be as close to "bathroom germs free" at all times otherwise I am doing something morally wrong. I am hyper aware of everything I touch, everything I do. And anything that drives a "what if this touched that", or "did I do this" I take in the direction that it did happen, even if I don't really believe it did, just in case. I can't let it go because I feel guilty for even trying! Attempting to allow a little bit more germs here and there feels like I am being irresponsible, or sneaky or committing a crime, which I then either have to reverse by cleaning, or confess. And this is all combined with the "fear of touching blood/contracting hepatitis c/unknowingly infecting people". I feel like I have to be in control of all of this, and if I'm not, well. Then I was negligent and if I get sick, or someone else does, it's because I was just lazy or deliberately misleading myself that things are actually fine. I know it's all an effort to avoid feeling guilty, because if I get trapped in that cycle again, I will never get back to normal. That doesn't mean what I am doing now is morally better, or right, not if it's causing me daily stress and anxiety. I felt I was doing a little better, but the cycle is obviously still here, kicking my ass. How could I ever even attempt ERP if doing THAT would feel like a crime too? I am stuck and I don't even want to get out of bed anymore. Thank you for reading my rant. I hope you're doing better than I am.

I have existential and hyperawareness ocd and i think they overlap and i have this irrational fear of losing my senses. I feel so helpless, i can’t sleep because i have questions like “where do i go when i sleep” and questions regarding my consciousness, when i’m not hyperaware, where are my thoughts, where am i when i’m immersed in an activity, it is so confusing and terrifying. The whole process of letting thoughts come and go has become scary because that’s exactly my fear, that i’m “letting go” of my senses? I’m scared of being hyperaware and not being hyperaware, i feel so hopeless, sad & anxious. where do i go? It’s so hard to see any escape. Life feels so meaningless. I had a horrific ocd spiral, im also dealing with dissociation so the fear of losing my sense is heightened during it. I’m so scared, does anybody have any words of hope?

I am really struggling today. I used to have tremendous episodes of ocd and learned how to manage it well. All the sudden it comes in in all it’s glory ! I have constant fears of hocd and losing control and I have to continue to fight against this. Any advice ?

Besides “What if”, what else does it do to convince you it’s real? Mine does “You don’t want” or “I am” or “I think” or “Maybe you are-“ or it gives me some dumb scenario of how i was doubtful of the thing i am currently fixating on.

In the last few days, I've had a hard time and I've thought about suicide many times. but in fact, i knew i wasnt gonna do that. but now, i thought i really wanted to do it and i'm so scared to do it. I don't want to do this, but why do I feel this way? why do I have the feeling that I'm really going to do this? this is so frustrating 😟😞

I'm begging u not to scroll past & ignore this post. I'm currently on my period & I've developed this compulsion where I have to wipe until there is zero blood left. Like even inside, I'll wipe internally now, which I didn't feel the need to do before, & its exhausting because there is a constant flow, & its gotten to the point where I can't tell what's menstrual blood anymore VS what's blood that I've caused from wiping too hard. I'm just feeding into the viscous cycle, of wiping blood only to cause more blood, which has me sitting on the toilet for roughly an hour, wasting toilet paper & now I'm guilty for how much I used because it didn't work anyway. It was only creating more blood, & so I gave up, but immediately started crying afterwards because it doesn't feel complete. My OCD is clearly getting severer now if I'm starting to self-inflict harm to my body without even intending to! Please, I know this is a gross topic, but is one of the worst manifestations yet that my OCD has had to offer & I don't think it can continue. I'll literally hold my bladder to avoid having to confront it. These urges are too much. I'm scared.

Ok this is a sensitive topic and if you’re not a POC, you may not understand but anyways. Colorism(this discrimination against darker skin people) and I’ve always knew it existed but lately I’m consuming and crazy about of tik toks about it and seeing colorist takes and ( I’m darkskin) and I’ve always loved my skin I grew up loving dark skin etc but long story short I’m now obsessing over my skin color. I know look at myself and started to be like what if I was lighter etc and just start thinking I’m ugly because of my skin color and start comparing myself…. Yo I never did or do this.. what kind of mental illness is this?? Lol it always happens when I consume too much of a topic.

Can someone please share their story about their experience with ROCD during dating, and the transition from dating into marriage? What was it like? How was the wedding day?

About a year ago, 2 weeks into being official with my gf I drunk called a friend to pick me up to go hang at her place and I'm convinced it was an attempt to cheat, or at least to push things a little. My girlfriend knows about the call but doesn't think I was trying to cheat. Is an attempt to cheat something I should confess? Is it as bad as actually cheating? I feel confident I'll never actually cheat again because I've been so guilt ridden for a year and avoid any situations even remotely similar, but I'm worried I've already crossed the line. I would be devastated to lose my gf but I just can never focus on anything but this

Does anyone have groinal response which gives them this urge to relive tension? But you don’t because of the original thought being inappropriate.

That "What does it mean" or "Did i mean that" Thing is Terrible I get so confused about what i actually meant

Anyone find your first ever false memory hard to cope with as you don’t know where it came from? It was my first one and I was in a bad psychotic state and it always freaks me out.

One of my biggest problems is ruminating over situations that stress me out. The closest I can compare it to is real event OCD. At work, if someone dislikes me or I think they dislike me it stresses me out a lot. Before I connected it to my OCD, I thought it was social anxiety, but my fear is that people disliking me could harm my job, my well being or even harm my family at some point if I get a bad enough reputation. If someone is rude to me I constantly go over the situation in my mind and think of future situations dealing with the person in order to figure out how to resolve it. For example, if they said something rude confronting them in hopes they’ll change their behavior. (I don’t actually do any confrontation at work, I just try to be as polite as possible.) It’s really stressful and what stresses me out more is dealing with further interactions as it will just further my rumination. I also worry that if I don’t figure out how to resolve someone disliking me that the situation will escalate and result in a horrible work environment or being fired. I don’t really socialize much at all anymore because it doesn’t feel worth the anxiety. I just ruminate about having a run in with someone who dislikes me or is rude and having to resolve it. At this point I don’t even have much contact with family as interacting at all just stresses me out. I’m trying to study but I can’t focus because I keep ruminating about work. Which is another stressor as I want to get out of my current field. This isn’t my only obsession but it’s what causes me the most distress because it affects my work and social life. I want to start ERP but I don’t know where to start. (I can’t do therapy on here as I’m not located in a country where it’s available.) I used to take fluvoxamine but I haven’t been to the doctor in a while. If you have similar obsessions or advice let me know. I’ve read Michael Greenbergs stuff on stopping rumination, but it’s hard not to justify as I’m obsession about something happening in real life. Thank you for reading if you managed to get through this screed.

Ok I’ve been struggling with this sub theme for the past few months and recently it’s been pretty good for the most part until the past few days when whenever I saw a attractive man on social media or whatever (I’m a male btw) that triggered the thoughts, saliva would start to build up in my mouth which is starting to freak me out because this only started happening like a few days ago. It’s starting to make me feel like I’m actually attracted to men when I really want nothing to do with them (even just typing that makes me question in lol) but yeah idk what this means

I was exiting from highschool with my friend and these 2 girls passed in front of us. I felt like I saw their lower area with my peripheral vision. The thing is that they looked a bit younger than me even though I didn't see their faces, but I reassured myself thinking that I didn't do that voluntarily and that just because I saw a b*tt doesn't mean that I was attracted, I just felt that way because in my mind that part of the body is something innapropriate and immoral so it automatically assumes that I had malicious perverted intentions. This was the day after I went to the psychiatrist (who is not an ocd specialist but still understands it a bit) where I talked about these similar triggering events that keep happening to me: the staring ocd. Abt how I feel like I'm always staring at k*** lower parts even when I'm not doing that, and of how, when I check to see if I saw what I saw correctly or if I was just mistaken, I end up doing the very thing I don't want to do. I asked him if it was real attraction or if it was my brain convincing me that I'm a **** because in my mind "b**t = inappropriate and immoral part", so it automatically assumes that I had bad intentions. He answered that it was the latter, but I don't know. For example if my teacher were to lean and I would happen to saw her lower area it wouldn't mean that I'm actually attracted just because I noticed something obvious in front of me. But things change a lot when it involves pocd stuff, with staring ocd compulsions where you choose actively to check those lower areas. And the pondering question is: did I do that because I was attracted or it something explainable on ocd terms? My psychiatrist often triggers me with his remarks and I misunderstand him a lot because he is not clear with his answers. Something he said that triggered me a lot in our previous appointments was that "people can feel attraction even looking at inappropriate part of k**s, but that doesn't make them bad as long as they don't partake in action". Since he said that I'm afraid that I could have been attracted by what I saw, and that I kept staring not because of an ocd compulsion but because I was attracted... and if this were to be true I can't leave with myself. But the hypothesis that I could have been attracted seems very real and logical. This is the same psychiatrist who diagnosed me with ocd, but after I told him that I thought I had it, I don't how much that is valid. When I returned from school I saw this little girl that was at least 100 meters away, but since it was trigger my senses alerted. Even though it was so far away that it wasn't visible I felt like I looked at her b*tt when I actually didn't. And then there was also this other k** and I felt like I stared in its lower area. I kept staring in that direction for some reason instead of looking away like I usually do. Involuntarily staring at triggers lower parts trigger me a lot, but I feel much more disgusting if the trigger is wearing "tight" pants, because I feel like my eyes saw something illegal, so maybe I was checking to make sure that it wasn't the case, and I was right. But still why did I choose to stare in that direction? The staring itself is wrong. I'm sick. This triggered me a lot and I went to sleep to drown these feelings for the entire day. And then many other triggers started to pile up as I was navigating through youtube and instagram. https://youtu.be/SK1FCz4fgS0 under this video there were thirsty comments about this female character and I was thinking how much ethical or right it was to say this kind of stuff. I too noticed what they did, but I don't know if I was attracted or not by what I saw. I don't know how to determine that. I don't know what is attraction in that sense. It is wrong because it's unwanted se&ualization, but as it happens in many videos where girls appear and have "noticeable" private parts people in the comments leave thirsty comments pointing out the "obvious" or writing "what colors was her shirt" and stuff like that and my thought in this matter was "you shouldn't do that, if I were to notice it I'd feel bad because it isn't an inappropriate thing to do, but I guess it is kind of okay as long as the person they're thirsting over is a grown up adult" Then I had a terrible thought: "what if that character was a ***?" People would think same perverted way, but they wouldn't express it in the comments because they know they'd get in trouble. If the inaproppriate part is noticeable then you'll notice it and you would be automatically se&ualizing a minor, and a part from that if you were to feel attraction would that make you a ****? But why would you notice it in the first place? Why would you look in that area in the first place? That is an alarming act itself, to look at ***s. I feel like when I encounter **** I'm not seeing them in their entirety, as a whole, as I do when I see adult people who do not trigger me, but that I'm automatically focusing on the lower part because I'm so obsessed and concerned if I'm staring inaproppriately and se&ualizing so my brain sends distressing signs and has to check to shut down the uncertainty of seeing something right or wrong, but then as I do that I end up in a loop of distress. This thing is fucking me over, and I feel these are enough proofs that I'm a ****. I'm distressed and confused and I feel abonimable. https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cq1sCD8IPV5/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y= I also saw this triggering reel and I'm afraid that what I felt suddenly was attraction and that feeling scared me a lot. It felt like a definitive proof that I'm a ****. I'm a monster for having such abonimable thoughts, and all the things I did are untolerable and unforgivable, I don't deserve understanding and compassion, I'm too far gone. It's over.