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the NOCD Community

I hate my entire life. No meds have been able to help me.

Just remember OCD takes all your biggest, deepest, darkest fears… and brings them to life. it makes you believe you are becoming what you fear, it makes you believe what you fear is definitely absolutely without a doubt going to happen, even if it’s more likely a 1% possibility. it clouds your vision where all you can see is your fear and you see life through the lens of your intrusive thoughts, and it creates the nightmarish experience over and over again. it makes you feel like you are constantly scanning for danger. desperately trying to gain control and certainty. it can be paralyzing, debilitating, terrifying, it can cause you to feel out of touch with reality, out of touch with your self, it can make you feel like you’re “crazy”, disconnected, exhausted, confused, out of control, lost, scared, numb, anxiety ridden, shameful, guilty, alone. but just know, you are not alone. whatever your intrusive thoughts may be, you are not alone. no matter how dark, horrible, petrifying, scary, irrational, delusional they may seem. you are not alone. we are all in these trenches together. you are a strong warrior for fighting every single day while still dealing with intrusive thoughts/feelings and anxiety. while still taking care of your responsibilities and dealing with hardships and obstacles that come your way. for still pushing through every day and surviving. for still being here. you are so so strong. so much stronger than you realize or give yourself credit for. you are not a bad person. you are not crazy. you are still you. you are safe. you are not what your thoughts say. your thoughts are just that, thoughts. it’s hard to separate yourself in the moment when you’re so caught up in the thoughts and how your body responds to them and that sense of urgency you feel… it makes it all feel true, it makes it feel real, it makes it feel scary. but eventually, the sun comes out again after a period of darkness right? even if it feels like the darkness lasts for a while… the sun will always come out again. you have made it through every single difficult day thus far, you need to see your resilience and strength. i believe in you. there is hope. there is healing. there is recovery. ❤️ but the point of me making this post was in hopes of someone out there reading it would feel understood and heard. 💕 and just a loving reminder that you are not alone and that other people out there do understand how you feel. it’s also for myself, because i’m in the midst of a really intense OCD “flare up” right now where my intrusive thoughts are just racing nonstop and causing severe anxiety and i’m questioning if i even have OCD or if i’m just going crazy and losing myself. it’s really really hard… but i can get through it. i always somehow manage to get through. for anyone else this may help, Sheryl Paul’s work has really helped me get a different perspective on my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I really like her view on things as a whole. i recommend reading her book “The Wisdom of Anxiety” and reading her instagram posts @ wisdomofanxiety. she also has a website where she posts blogs and has courses available. (she literally has a course specifically for relationship anxiety/OCD if that is one of your main themes, but she has lots of other courses as well) 🩷🩵🩷 also, Therapy in a Nutshell’s youtube channel has been helpful as well for my mental health! 😊

I have been in a terrible depressive state for almost 2 weeks. Most days I cry atleast 2 times a day. What should I do? How can you get out of your head?

Hello everyone I’m new to this forum and I think I may be suffering w/ SOOCD specifically HOCD. I think my HOCD doesn’t make me viciously anxious when it first started now I just feel numb now sure if anyone feels the same. At first it felt like a switch went off in my head and started getting excessive thoughts about women. Even today I’m afraid to be friends w/ women in fear I will like them. And it doesn’t help that I don’t get frequent crushes on guys/not as desirable when it comes to dating. I always thought women were attractive but in an aesthetic way and any sexual attraction to me was groinal or forced due to my compulsions. My mind is convincing me I’m a lesbian but identifying as one doesn’t feel right and I’ve always imagined being w/ a man. I just need help because I’m working and applying to grad school and it’s making me physically sick/unable to do anything. Just wanted some thoughts and advice if possible. (And for context I’m 21 and got triggered at around 15/16). Thank you!

I’ve been posting things on Reddit describing how I feel and I always delete it because no one replies. I have no one who I can be honest with in real life, and they never ask if I’m okay or ask if I want to talk, and even though posting online causes my ocd to go crazy I still do it for some reason. I don’t even know what this post is, I just need to feel like there’s someone out there who acknowledges that I exist and that I’m in pain Currently in a moral scrupulosity flare up

So my OCD has gotten significantly worse in the last month or so. Constant anxiety and I decided to get antidepressants. I will begin taking them this weekend. I think there’s anyone have any good things to say about them? A couple years ago I got a script for them took one pill and the side effects were pretty hard to deal with so my doctor told me to cut one and a half and take that for a week but I decided not to take them. I think I’m ready to give it another chance. Does anyone else have anxiety about starting medication? Or does anyone have experience dealing with this?

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭

Here’s a guy who is struggling really hard as of late with his so-ocd. But here’s a reminder to try and stay in the present and enjoy your life :)

I’m at the hospital with my niece waiting for my grandma to get a heart test done and while we are waiting my niece was talking and she touched my arm weird and I felt like I got groinal response it happened so weird and I’m scared to death right now I pray to God it wasn’t something else that it was just groinal response but I’m literally freaking out right now. What do I do! I really hope I didn’t do anything wrong or nothing is wrong with me. It was so weird when she touched my arm and shes 12. I love my niece and I would never hurt her or anything but it doesn’t make sense why that happened. I really hope it wasn’t what the ocd is saying happened. I don’t want to be a monster 💔

Im so tired… For the context I used to identified as bi when I was a teenager, I even tried with a woman (s*x only cause I never really wanted to date a woman) but I didn’t really like it like I couldn’t even touch her but idk I stil identified as bi after that cause it feels cool to be not like the other I guess + I have a bf so I didn’t mind if I were or not… Since so-ocd came I realise that I was not even bisexual cause like I dread to be with a woman like It makes me unhappy and I don’t want to ever have sex with a woman again and the experience I had kept coming back in my mind and make me nauseous like it really made me want to cry…. But since So-ocd apparently can’t make your sexual orientation change that must mean I’m lying to myself and I must be bi cause I used to think I was and I tried with a woman so I feel like I have no choice… So now it feels I’m bi with SO-ocd even if I don’t want to do anything with a woman 😪( at first I thought I was bi and so ocd made me think I was a lesbian then I realise I don’t like girls so I’m afraid of being bi but what if it’s just ocd and I’m really bi and I’m lying to myself 🥲🥲🥲 I can’t do this and my past is a torture

I'm just so tired of feeling sick to my stomach and having a lack of appetite. My ROCD is just ridiculous. It is partner focused ROCD and I find it to be stupid because no one is perfect and everyone has flaws. I know I have flaws and yet I'm obsessing over my bfs. I'm just tired!!!

I just mainly made this post to vent, I just need to share with people who understand and I know you all do. So I’ve had this best friend for about 4 years now and we’re really close! I talk to her about everything and we have talked daily since we met. I feel so grateful to have such an amazing friend and I just don’t feel like I deserve such an honour. Things have gotten rough recently though. To clarify I had, in the past, caught feelings for her. Though I really didn’t want to pursue them for a multitude of reasons I don’t feel are necessary to mention right now. I got over them and she basically became like another sister to me, and I just really appreciate having her there. Well, I guess my OCD picked up on how much I care about this friendship. All of the sudden my intrusive thoughts have been targeting her. It’s been horrible and just sickening to me. I don’t wanna delve into too much detail on what they are, but they go against everything I thought about our relationship. I guess my OCD has used that past crush I had as evidence that I secretly want these thoughts. Even though I feel horrible and anxious and sad every time they hit me. I just hate myself for them. I know they aren’t me, but they’re awful. And I feel awful thinking about them. Every day they feel more influential and real. I know I have to fight these thoughts alone since no one fan really help besides moral support. But I just wish I could tell her I’m sorry. I wish she had a better friend than me. She is such an amazing person and I think she deserves better friends than me. Thanks for listening everyone, it means a lot. It’s a lonely world out there, but this app makes it feel a little less lonely

24 years and Harm OCD and SO-OCD has been popping up the most for me through out my life. Is there a way I can prevent it from ever coming back ??

I have been stuck in rumination for the past several hours, and I feel at a dead end. Can good people, unintentionally, do bad things and still be considered good? I handled a situation with a little less grace than I would have liked to, and now I feel like a monster. It was such a small moment- but it has ruined my day. Any advice?

Does anyone have any tips/calm down routine/ mental health ritual they do for days where ocd is bad? I’d love some tips.

I struggled and beat harm ocd a couple years ago and it hasn't really affected me since. The other night I had the worst episode I've probably had and now I feel like I've backtracked right back to where I was, except worse. I was just driving on the freeway, going fast, listening to music after a really long day at about 11pm. I had a thought about letting my car swerve and crash but I've had thoughts like that a million times and they don't really affect me anymore. However I actually felt the intense urge/feeling like I was about to. Like I wouldn't feel "right" until I did it. It was an itch I needed to scratch. My heart rate spiked, my hands got sweaty and I felt like I couldn't breathe and was restraining myself from letting go of the wheel. It was all happening so fast and in that moment I really thought my life was about to end. The lack of control I felt was actually horrifying. It felt like I was being possessed by the urge but the real me was screaming for help. I've struggled with thoughts like this and felt "urges" in the past but nothing to this extent. I tried driving on the freeway again the next day (I think I'm only triggered when going fast because that's when I have the potential to actually cause damage) and my brain went into that mode again because that was how it felt the last time I drove. I had to get off the freeway and take backroads. I'm terrified. I have to drive for work and literally don't know what to do. I know leaning into the thoughts/ not running away from them is good, but that genuinely makes me feel like I'm gonna do it. Like the moment I say "ok I'll just do it" as a form of ERP I feel like I WILL do it. I don't trust myself. If anyone has gone through something similar to this extent, I'd really appreciate any support or advice. I'm also going to look into therapy again, so I think that'll help a lot too. However it's gonna take a bit of time to find someone so in the mean time I'm really not sure what to do :/

I was diagnosed last week. The psychiatrist prescribed Anafranil and I had weird, really uncomfortable side effects. She told me to stop taking it but we haven't had our next appointment. I'm wondering what meds y'all have taken that you liked? My OCD is moderate and doesn't always bother me so I might just try the supplements I'm already taking and ERP. Idk yet. The medicine thing freaks me out anyway. I know that my psychiatrist is the expert and all that. We have an appointment set up- I don't need to be told to speak to my psychiatrist. I'm just wondering what meds people found helpful with minimal/tolerable side effects. Thanks.

I did what is arguable the biggest ERP for me today- highway driving. I thought I would feel super accomplished and be living on cloud 9 after doing it. This is something I’ve been scared to do all my life, and I did it, But nope! No happiness here. I’ve been busy all day, stressed about other things, and feeling like the next highway ERPs are going to be harder. My family hardly registered my return from my drive, and I received no congratulations from my spouse. The one thing I did to celebrate was buy an iced coffee, but it tasted old :(

So right now my atraction to females my preferred gender has almost vanished since hocd started, got false ones to men and sometimes my mind says that's what I want and like or that it would be better to feel these false ones instead of not feeling anything but that's not what I really think they're just thoughts that pop out of nowhere based on feelings that I get because of ocd. Is this something that should be happening?

Is Anyone else scared of not being gay but actually Asexuell? Whenever I see someone attractive im checking if I'm really attracted to the person and if not I panic. When I'm intimate with someone else and I'm not quite there (wich sadly happens most of the time nowadays) it terrifies me and gives me extreme anxiety because I fear that I lost my sex drive. I'm also constantly "aware" of my groinal area, checking if it feels any sensations at all and if it feels numb i panic or just not right I start to panic. This might be the scariest of my Obsessions because I think it targets a core fear of mine.