Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Ugh I can make myself suicidal in like 3-4 mins. From being perfectly fine. I don’t understand.. Ughhhh.......... <attention-status>

I don’t know ir this happens to anyone else, but everytime I see a really violent or disgusting new in TV or something I can’t get it off my head in all day, or even week. I have this now, and is really bothering me because when I saw the new, I was painting my room, and I just can’t stop thinking that when I finish painting, I will be like: Oh, remember?, when you were painting you saw that awful thing on the news. It always happens to me, when I buy myself clothing and I have an intrusive thought I’m like: Oh, now everytime I wear this I’m going to remember... I’m looking for a way to distract myself for that thought, to relax, or just see things in a more positive way, any recommendations?:(

Me before hocd : Omgg life finna be poppiinn, no one finna Touch me. One day ill find a boyfriend that loves me and i will find the cutest boy eeveeerrr and harry styles is my ultimate crush✨✨✨✨✨????? Me with hocd: im so done with this bitchass life like boii i dont find a single soul attractive, all i am is emptyness. Harry styles who? I dont feel anything towards him anymore. All my past crushes were fake i must like woman now. There is litteraly no proof to that i never even liked a girl i never thought of a girl in the way i thought about guys but still, im gay. ?

Who also feels like they will bever be able to love and fall in love with someone the way they wouldve before hocd. Like before hocd i was so down to be the best partner, i thought clear and i had plans for the future, life felt like a good dream and i was happy. But now with hocd all of it has been taken away from me. It feels like i will never et the expeirence of a boyfriend the way i wouldve before hocd. Like i will never like someone the way i would if hocd never happened. I wish i had a boyfriend before hocd so that maybe i couldve expierenced the real thing even if it was for a short time. I wish i wouldve gotten my first kiss before hocd. Now i feel like i will never be the real me and i will never be the wife or girlfriend my old me would be. Because i lost me. I wish so mch she would come back so i could be able to think clear and be me and i would live my dreams. All my dreams are gone. I have nothing i can be excited over. Everything is ruined by this. I feel like im missing out on soooo much. I know i am. I just want to have the expiernce i wouldve had if i didnt have hocd. I dont want to go in a relation ship where im feeling like this and i dont want a relationship at all if i wont be the me i was before hocd. I wanted a boyfriend so bad now i get anxiety of the thought only. I could talk about this forever about the regret of not having a boyfriend. Boys always were afraid tk hit me up but now im a bit older they do hit me up but it doesnt feel like it used to. It doesnt feel happy and fluttery anymore, i get anxious and scared. It feels like i will never have the expierence as i would have if i was the before hocd version of me.

I keep worrying. This sucks, I’m so confused. I keep wondering if I really am just in denial. The thing that scares me the most are those articles I’ve read about women who marry a man but they realize they’re lesbian or that they new it all along but ignored the thought. What if that’s what I’m doing? What if I’m actually in denial? I just want this to stop. I hate it because I don’t get anxiety anymore. Only yesterday when I read those post about women who are married to men but are lesbian, I started to sweat and panic so bad. But only the thoughts are left here. With no feeling, only the feeling of being afraid. Anyone else feel this way?

Would love to make a friend in here someone I can talk too away from the app, possibly a harm ocd sufferer?

Is there anyone who doesnt feel themselves anymore, lost their passions for everything like music, clothing, makeup. Just complete emptyness inside because of this. My life flipped upsdie down because of Hocd

I need to share something i have never told anyone. I watched lesbian porn from a young age because I thought i was attracted to it. I started at 8 years old Becauss I felt like i had to watch it to ease my anxiety. At first i thought i enjoyed it but i was wrong. I was so confused growing up because I didn't know what this porn obsession meant. All i knew was that I wasn't gay, but i supported the lgbt and had no problems with thr community, & was only attracted to boys but i Always had a voice in my head that told me to watch the porn and no matter how hard i tried not too the anxietu got worse until i couldnt breathe and i had a panic attack so i had to give in. The porn i watched was mostly disgusting fetishes that at the time i thought I enjoyed but that turned out to be fake arousal. I am disgusted by these memories now. I haven't watched lesbian porn in over a year and I feel amazing. It has actually helped me so much to reconnect with myself, Realise thst im only attracted to men + my attrcation for them is better then ever, find out who i am and most importantly realise that this is a condition and these thoughts and compulsions are not what i want. I now know i have hocd and its like everything just makes sense and has clicked into space. When I in primary school i developed an anxiety disorder, and i think i developed ocd around the same time too, Because i have all these false memories of doing sexual things with ny girls from my promary school and it maked me feel sick :( and when i went to high school i was severly bullied about the way i look and this lead me to think i was ugly and i wanted to look like all the other girls so i began to hate myself and the way i look. I still do now. I think this is how my hocd started because now i find myself looking at othet girls all the time. I get a voice in my head that says "i like the way they look," in a sexual manner and then i get a groinal response, and then I find myself thinking "im not attracted to them, I just wish i looked like them" so i think this is why my ocd started due to anxiety at a young age, i also think i developed ocd and hocd as young as 5 years old, if thats possible? I just needed to get this out because watching the porn has left me disgusted with myself, and im trying to move on and not allow my head to make me feel like i liked watching it. does that make sense? is there anyone else who has had a porn addiction over the same sex but stopped watching it? I just want to feel like im not alone. thank you for reading. im shaking right now.

so my ocd is so bad right now. I ran out of my antidepressants and couldn't get anymore so i have been withdrawing and i feel horrendous. im so paranoid, im full of intrusive thoughts and images and words that keep popping up in my head. The worst part is my hocd was doing ok untill now and now my brain keeps trying to convince me that i want to touch my family, and im doing checks on girls again :( my hocd came back in full force because i was on twitter, and there was a picture of a woman and thong. my mind tried to make me think i was aroused and i liked it but i wasn't in the slightest. But now my hocd is back too making me panic yet again and the intrusive thoughts are unbearable. Is this all because of my tablets? is that why my hocd is so bad right now?

So I'm kind of fighting this baddle alone in my head, I feel like I'm going crazy now that I actually think about it, let me explain. So I think I have ocd but I'm confused, during the day it barely ever bothers me to the point where I barely notice it , but at night before I go to bed I feel like everything has to be in it's place. Nothing out of place, nothing out of place , nothing out of place. Everything has to be perfectly straight EVERY THING. Certain things I have to do a certain amount of times. Some things I MUST do everyday. I've tried to talk to my parents about it, but they just blow it off saying it's no big deal, they don't understand what I'm going through ,just to go to bed is at times like a warzone. I sometimes walk from my bathroom after brushing my teeth with my eyes closed so I can't see anything out of place because if I do it's like Domino's I see one thing after another that's out of place, some things idk why they look out of place and I spend a lot of time just moving them back and forth and back and forth till my brain finally sais it's fixed. I asked my dad if I could stay in his and mom's room for the night, because I am less urged to stay up all night cleaning when I'm distracted by other people or when I know "Hay if u stay up cleaning their going to be Mad at you". And it sounds wierd coming from your 14 year old daughter to ask such a thing, at this age you should be old enough to manage your own nightmares you know what I mean?? He told me to ask mom , mostly because he was half asleep and ready to go to bed. That eavning when me and Mom were sitting across from each other , I couldn't come up with the courage to ask , it was too wierd , too stupid, too crazy of a consept to even try to explain. So I went outside on the back porch and cried , she came out and asked me what was wrong and I said nothing, after trying to explain to dad I just wanted to be alone. Of course she wouldn't leave she asked again till I finally told her, " I, I think I have OCD and I , don't know how to handle it, I mean" I continued," I stayed up till 3:00 last night fixing things I thought were crooked or out of place" I couldn't talk any more without choking ip so I stopped. She said to me " well OCD isn't bad , it has it's benifits you know" I shrug , wondering how such an annoyance could be helpful in any way. "Well I was just making sure you were ok" she said going back into the house. I wanted desperately for her to stay out there with me talk about it and possibly go over some stuff that could help, bit we didn't. Now don't get me wrong my parents are amazing they love their kids very much and are always there for us, they just don't understand. So after a late night of reaserch , joining an ameno, joining this app ,and of course YouTube , I am already feeling better. It's only been 2 days or less but I realized that giving in isn't helping and am taking it day by day, I feel crazy yes , sometimes I question if I'm just going crazy but. I know I can do it. Please share your tips on this desease?? I don't know what the technical turn for it is. But tips would be greatly appreciated. Also thank you for listening to my rant.

I’m so afraid I might be lesbian. I was very anxious at first but it started to calm down. I’m only 15 and I have a boyfriend I love. At least I think I do, I always chose to question everything and over analyze. I found out about hocd and it described everything I was feeling. I’d take test and read articles like “am I lesbian” but I have never fantasied a girl or wanted to be with a girl sexually or romantically. But what if I’m in denial? I do think girls are physically attractive but I never crushed on a girl. I have always crushed on boys. And liked being with them. I’m just so lost. My anxiety about it had calmed down. But the question is still there sometimes. Earlier today, I found a girl pretty and I got scared thinking that meant something. Then I read about women who have married men, but they know they’re lesbian. I’m scared that that’ll Happen to me. I don’t want to be lesbian. No disrespect. But I just want to be happy. I think I’ve suffered from ocd before. Tell me anyone if I’m wrong. But I used to have thoughts of that my boyfriend would murder me in the future because of theses videos that triggered me. It caused me so much pain and felt so real. That I eventually started to think I’d murder my mom and sister for no reason. I felt so helpless. But I got through it. I hope I get through this. Please any advice? Is this hocd?? Does anyone else feel this way?

Are there any Christians on here that have also experienced guilt from sexual curiosity as a child? How do you deal with it in terms of God forgiving you? Sometimes I find it so confusing and difficult being a Christian with OCD...

I went from... Omg what if I’m gay To Omg what if I’m bi To omg I am gay and I should come out And it’s like I’m not triggered anymore I just feel the need to go back and fourth in my head about my sexuality. And just come out but I know it’s not true. I don’t want it I don’t need it. I literally don’t want to be gay.

I’m so scared. This is either depersonalisation or maybe derealisation, or just existential ocd argjdjshhshs I don’t know. Something clicked out of place earlier. Everything changed; my perception on EVERYTHING. I feel no meaning. Just emptiness. I don’t understand. There’s no love, it’s like the whole world is just stupid and dumb and I HATE that I’m feeling this way. This nihilist thinking is awful. Everything around me just feels so pointless. My family I thought of first. And then the internet. And then colours. And ideas. Everything. It’s nothing to me. But that’s not true, that can’t be true. I just hate that it feels true. I want to love and smile and feel happy and embrace those I love. I feel so cold and dark. I don’t want to feel like this forever. I don’t really know how to explain it. I just want to go back in time to two days ago. I got high for the first time and it’s made me spiral (clearly!). I want to be who I was before all this. My old problems were annoying, but they were bearable. This however, is entirely different. Everything just seems so fake. I haven’t had existential thoughts that’ve triggered me in around a year. I thought I was over it. But now it’s all come back, and it’s come back HARDER. It’s like those antibiotic resistant bacteria things. I can’t fight this. And I can’t get help for this because nothing is anything. I’m so scared :((

can false attractions make it feel like you enjoy them??

Ok so this might be long might not but I’m going to try and explain this very well ok so I have always dreamed about having a boyfriend and I’ll read novels and want that for me and I can imagine myself with a guy when I’m older and happy but right now I can’t whenever I try to think about it I get anxious and just want to cry cause more than anything in the world I want happiness but ever since I got hocd whenever a guy tells me they like me all I want to do I stop them from liking me and want to tell them to stop liking me I get an anxious type feeling and lately I have had the theme of asexuality like “am I an asexual? What if I turn asexual? What if because I get these weird feeling about boys liking me does that make me asexual?” I need some opinions of what people think and I also don’t know these could be new feelings to me I just have never dated or had a boyfriend I want one but at the same time “myself” doesn’t want me having one! What do you think?

Needed some help to understand how to deal with my issue. I have compulsions and if I don’t act on them it makes me crazy. Compulsions are random without any pattern. For example other day I was in the gym working out and an obnoxious lady was loudly talking on her phone. I controlled my anger but eventually I had to say something to her. She didn’t respond that well instead kept telling me I need to be more polite. I didn’t pay much attention to this incident but now every time I goto gym and I see this lady I feel the compulsion to go and talk to her and apologize. I know it sounds stupid and extremely naive and I am ashamed of it but I kept replaying the incident in my mind over and over again and feel like I won’t have freedom unless I give into the compulsion of saying something to that person again. I do go for CBT , take ocd and anxiety meds but such situations make me feel sick about myself

I can’t stop getting reassurance without having a panic attack when I get an ocd attack. How do I overcome needing to find reassurance?? I have religious ocd. And it’s agony. ?

HOCD is a whole lot harder when you were raised in a family that doesn’t support the LGBTQ community :/ ok, so, i haven’t told ANYONE about my HOCD. i’ve been dealing with it on my own (i’ve actually gotten a lot better compared to when it started a year ago). its already hard to say u have HOCD but it’s even worse when ur family doesn’t necessarily support people being gay. it’s making this so hard because i know for a fact that if i were gay, they would definitely disapprove of me. there have been multiple instances where people we know came out and my whole family was very against it and didn’t support it. obviously they’re not mean or anything and would never do anything to hurt those people but they just HIGHLY disagree with it i guess. and the worst part is i used to be the same way...i just never really supported it. until now. my whole view on it changed and now i’m much more supportive. i guess that’s the OCD of it though. OCD plays off your worst fears. and my worst fear is to be gay since i know how my family would react to it,,,and it’s not good. that’s the root of my HOCD. i don’t want to be gay because i’ve never viewed a girl in that sense before but i mainly don’t want to be gay because of the fact that if i were, it would be a disaster for me. i LOVE my family and if i were to be in that situation, it would crush me. obviously there’s no way in knowing but i just feel like i would be more ok with having these intrusive thoughts and HOCD if my family wasn’t so anti-gay. ugh. idk what the point of that whole thing was hahah i think i just needed to vent. i know i didn’t ask for advice but any kind words would be appreciated ?

I live in the Netherlands. I am currently on the waiting list for therapy for 8 months. They say it's probably gonna take like 2 months extra. I really don't think I can wait that long. My ocd is getting so much worse. I actually don't know what to do.