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No one’s responding to my previous post at all and I’m just thinking Is anyone who reads it agreeing and just doesn’t want to tell me the truth. I’m losing my mind here and it’s like if u think I am just say it :(

I’m sometimes plagued by thoughts about what might happen if I go to sleep and don’t wake up the next day. I hate these thoughts, especially since they just pop up. Anyone else experience this?

Hey guys! I’m always around here for occasional positive insights on our terrible disorder and I have another one for you. OCD is a lens, it is not the truth. What do I mean by that? The worst feeling in the world for OCD is finally coming down from a particular theme and all of a sudden a new and improved theme corrupts your brain and you not only feel like your starting over but you actually feel like it’s an even worse hell. Why is this the case? Well in the moment we feel as though we unlocked a new truth that we somehow were fortunate enough to never think about prior to the focus on it for whatever myriad of reasons we began to focus on it. But we didn’t, we didn’t unlock a new truth. The OCD filter has attached to that thought. We as humans think with emotion, it’s nearly impossible to 100% think objectively without a sliver of emotion attached to the given thought. OCD is no different than an emotion linked to a given thought however it is transparent enough to where we can’t identify it as a regular emotion. So we forget the idea of a thought merely being a thought and we attach such meaning to it to the point of it weighing us down to minute by minute thinking. I don’t want to trigger anyone here, but I implore you to do something I have done in the past. Which is forcing myself to have a theme. By doing so, it’ll reveal to you how petty and ridiculous OCD is. I’m sure the majority of you have heard of the white bear experiment and if your willing to do what I ask, pick an article of clothing or piece of jewelry that your currently wearing and try not to think about the way it’s sitting on your body. You may think I’m crazy here but if you continuously avoid trying to think about the way the certain article of clothing is sitting on your body, it’ll then become your theme and something you obsess over constantly. Why is that? Because it is not about what we focus on in ocd that matters, it’s the lens in which it’s portrayed through. I deal with heavy Existential ocd and it genuinely can feel like the most important thing in the world but the more I realize it, it really isn’t. In fact it’s one of the more meaningless things in the world. But I have an impossible time convincing myself this in the given moment because the meaning and emotion behind the thoughts feel so real. But it’s not real, it’s as real as a person in love doing something utterly baffling for a crush or a person making a fool of themselves while angry as can be. Once you realize this, it can set you free.

Hi! I’m Z, and I’m a 22 y/o living with OCD. I recently joined this community in the hopes of making some friends who share something in common with me, learning more about others’ stories, sharing my own story, and offering support to others to the best of my ability. I am currently at a time in my life in which my OCD is at an all-time high, or at least is among the worst moments I’ve experienced. I’ve suffered from various sub-types of the disorder throughout my life, including religious concerns, intrusive thoughts, repetitive behaviors, counting, checking, ordering, fear of contamination, etc. Presently, I deal mostly with checking, ordering, fear of contamination, and repetitive behaviors. I constantly feel like everything I do is done “wrong.” I associate negative thoughts with whatever I’m doing such that I have to repeat the behavior the “right way,” or the thoughts will become real. It’s kind of like my way of coping with things about reality that I can’t handle. So that’s a little about my OCD, but check out my bio if you want to know more about all the other things that make me me. I also study the brain, so I may offer some resources in case you’d like to learn more about some of the underpinnings of OCD in the mind and body. I’ve found that the more you know, the easier it can be to accept yourself and your symptoms. I live in KY, and am on socials, so reach out if you wanna chat :-). With love.

Would anyone have advice or reading suggestions for severe rumination? I mean severe as in all day long, starts when I wake up and ends when I go to sleep (and starts right back again if I wake up in the night). I find myself constantly talking to myself. Is this how everyone's brain works? I find it runs non-stop and on very, very rare occasions, I am amazed to realize I hadn't been ruminating and talking to myself (at which point, it starts again of course). I thought I was having intrusive thoughts all day long, but really I'm probably generating them. I'm constantly thinking about my themes/triggers/worries and "on guard" against the next trigger. What's most difficult is that this is my brain on auto-pilot. No level of distraction helps (I'm at an active job most of the day) and this is probably why I've had severe depression (I'm stuck in my head and no matter how hard I try to get out there and do things, I fall back in). The only things that provide temporary relief are speaking out loud to other people (because I find it very difficult to speak to myself in my head at the same time) and reading (but I find it difficult not to get distracted by my thoughts)

Does anyone just have the incessant thought of ‘what would x person think if they knew’ either about thoughts or real events. Every time i battle a thought and think I myself can get over I then obsess about other peoples opinions and how it can vary and that just sets me back. Like if they knew I did that or thought that they’d see me differently wouldn’t like/love me, would tell me I did the thing I fear a lot despite not being aware. I made mistakes (real events) I know but can’t even escape the potential condemnation of others. I don’t know how to deal with it.

I do not know what to do anymore. I spiralled again down with my OCD theme and I cannot get out. It is the fear of being bisexual. I am so low at the moment that I have become so hopeless and weary that I cannot discern reality from my thoughts. When I get intrusive thoughts it feels real and the worst part is that I am not even confident anymore that this are intrusive thoughts. I am constantly repeating “I am straight/heterosexual.“ but I always get a certain feeling of tightness inside my chest that I cannot explain. I got with the past theme of HOCD but I did not pay any attention to it. But now it feels too real and my fear that I might be in denial is huge. OCD has put so much pressure on me that I now truly believe that I know something about my sexuality and I do not want to acknowledge it. My thoughts scream at me ”Lies, liar, you know!, I know I am in denial“ and then there is this feeling that makes me feel bisexual. The worst part is that my depression increases my anguish. I also get a lot of false attraction. I always knew I liked the opposite gender and I always had crushes on them. I had even crushes on fictional characters. But my thoughts invalidate this fact. They make me anxiously thinking if I had also crushes or feelings for the same sex and it distorts my past. I almost forgot who I am and for what I fought for. I fought for being heterosexual, for gaining it back and then defending it. Now it feels like fighting for a cause that I do not want to fight for. It feels like something is forcing me to think these things, to view everything in this light and to doubt everything. I am thinking about this theme every minute of my life. I am ruminating a lot and searching all the websites for answers. I am also looking for the difference between denial and HOCD. I used to have a lot of insight into my condition. Now I have nothing. I feel numb. The thought of being with the same sex repulses me and it always did since I have suffered from HOCD. I never had any desires to be with them. I developed even some tics like showing fear, disgust or anger towards my thoughts or clenching my fists. This theme makes me feel that I have discovered something and HOCD was something that has not existed.

Hello! Lately I’m dealing with my brain giving me intrusive scenarios or almost giving me worst case scenarios and my mind instantly believes them! For example: My Brain will give me an intrusive scenarios like “what if god is actually punishing me with these thoughts!” Then my brain gives me negative emotions towards god and being a Christian it’s just heart breaking!

I feel like I'll end up like my father one day even dead. My dad was an alcoholic, and a drug attic what my mom told me, he was a sever alcoholic, and drug attic as well, but he tried he's best to be there for me, and my half sisters as well. Before I was 2 years old, my half sisters mother cheated on him, it was not the first time he caught her in the act, I remember someone told me he beat the shit out of that guy and was in jail for a year. When he got back he was very depressed, drinking more and doing more drugs, he was also suicidal as well, my mom did told hes family that he was suicidal, but they didn't listen, at August, I can't remember the date, before he took he's own life, he asked my grandmother (he's mother) before he took he's own life he asked her "Am I a good father to my girls?" My grandmother being a wonderful person she is, she said of course you are, you are a wonderful father to them. The next day he took he's own life at my half sisters mother's backyard. I was 2 at the time, it really broke my family, it also broke my mom, even tho they never got along, she was upset that he won't see me growing up, and be there. Even tho my dad treated my mom like shit, even from the start he didn't believe I was he's, but he stood up and try he's best to be there when I was born. Thru out years, I was growing up without him, having a shitty step dad in the past, people hurting me, and so much shit. I question myself wondering if I'll end up like him cause people told me how I'm so much like him, and act like him as well, it scares me cause I started doing drinking, smoking cigarettes and using drugs to escape from reality. (Not illegal drugs just weed) My mom who is spiritual says how my dad is with me always, by my side. I do try to talk to my dad sometimes, not a lot, but last night I was going thru so much in my mind I talked to him, I told him how I didn't want to live anymore, I explain what I'm feeling, how I was scared of the future, even afraid to live in the shitty world, even telling him I felt like I'm a curse, cause everyone was doing fine until I got back couple of times in the pschy ward, I explain to him I had plans as well doing it, I felt like he was there but I didn't know, I just wanted to talk to him, expectfuly how I didn't want to live anymore, and how I was so sorry to not continue life how he wanted me to, and how I'll meet him soon, how everyone will be happy that I'll be gone, expectfuly since I'm a curse, people will be free from my curse, I keep telling him how I was a curse to everyone, how people are suffering cause of me. It was 3 in the morning and I just wanted to talk to him how I felt, and how I just didn't want to live anymore. I keep thinking I'll end up like him, even being a bad parent, a bad friend, a bad daughter, even a bad person who was born in a world that she felt like a curse to everyone. Today I'm going to visit my grandma and grandpa, I want to ask them to let me see my father's grave, cause I want to talk to him and keep asking him why he had to go, and why he couldn't stay longer so I could've known him, he's voice, and how much he loved me. I know he's spirit is with me but I just want to talk to him in the grave, and talk to him why he couldn't stay longer, and how I'll be with him soon.

After 10 years on Cymbalta and no OCD to speak of - 10 of the best years of my life - I decided to stop. I believed that I didn’t need it anymore. Well, a crisis occurred and the OCD came back with a vengeance. My OC tells me that someone specific is coming after me to destroy my life. My doc restarted 60 mg Cymbalta with Buspar. It took the meds 3 months and NOCD for 1.5 months to get me to 50%. It was definitely better but I was hoping for 75%. Now, the docs suggested we try Luvox. With tapering down on one and now tapering up on Luvox, I’ve got little meds in the tank to support me and all the OC crap is flying back at me. Thankfully I have NOCD. My wife and children hate seeing me like this but they don’t understand. My anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and ruminationing is occupying the majority of the day once again. Twelve weeks seems so far away. There is light at the end of the tunnel, right? The hopelessness is so challenging. This too shall pass. Side note, my impulses and desperation has me looking at things like ketamine…

This is so hard to explain so bear with me. After having violent intrusive thoughts and urges for a long time, sometimes when I'm really anxious I won't get obsessed with a particular thought/urge but moreso all of them combined. It feels like I need to release the urge and just do something. My mind RACES and it's like "do this, do that, so something to release this pent up anxiety" And I get so scared I need to like lock myself in a room or I feel like I need to be in a hospital where I'm restrained to prevent myself from doing one of these things. It's like the disorder has advanced so far that it's not 1 thought at a time anymore, it's like all of them and then some during an episode. Again it's so hard to articulate.

I’m was speaking to my boyfriend yesterday because im packing for a 5 day trip to Italy and I got really upset as I wanted to pack fancy feminine clothes but because of TOCD im hyper aware of my feminine features and being perceived as female and all that. My boyfriend said that he loves to see my embracing my own body and wearing cute feminine things but he understands that I don’t do it much anymore because I have an androgynous style, and because I am in college and I wanna be comfy all the time. My inner self started screaming that he was an awful person who only loves me for being female and for my female body, and that he’s trying to convince me to not transition, and that he doesn’t want that’s best for me. I started getting angry, thinking he was trying to “convert” me, and then I spiraled/panicked. Is this normal? Why did I feel offended? If he had told me this pre TOCD I would have probably been flattered at the compliment and maybe been inspired to dress up a bit more.

*trigger warning is just in case, no references to self harm just dark thoughts* I am having a flare up of my depression which is making obsessive thought cycles more intense. I'm in a new state totally alone for a summer internship. I'm an introvert and definitely like my alone time but nothing but alone time is getting difficult mostly because I can be my own best friend but I can also be my own worst enemy. I'm just really struggling with feelings of hopelessness. I graduated from college last year and the job market and getting a nice place to live while still being able to afford groceries and to enjoy yourself a bit on the weekend is really difficult. I miss my college friends desperately. I just feel such a sense of dread about the future in general- my future and the world's future. I know that's very "doom and gloom" and actually I usually try to actively not think that way and be positive (being my the family "peacemaker"), but right now I'm tired and alone and all I can think about is how I want, in some ways, to be a little kid again, being tucked in by my mom and told everything's ok. Which doesn't actually make any sense because my childhood home was generally not a very comfortable or happy place. I guess I just want to know that things are going to be ok and that its not just me looking out for myself. Because at the end of the day, I don't know if I can trust myself to do that.

Gone from being like a solid 90% to feeling absolutely awful by the end of the day. I thought I'd got somewhere. I really did.

Hi everyone! I've seen (and made) so many posts about the negatives of real event ocd and how it traps us, but I haven't seen many about people who have found recovery, so I wanted to mention my story! Not going to go into details on my event because I want to avoid reassurance, but I will say I had some events that caused me a lot of turmoil. I was constantly talking to friends and family, seeking reassurance, posting online, googling, making confession after confession, revisiting related events I had never thought about before, debating if I was overreacting or if I was a bad person, the works. And this was over events of which the most recent was a year before. It was bad, I am ashamed to say it but it was to the point I didn't know if I could keep going on with life because OCD had me so fixated on my shortcomings. It wasn't as if I had faced some tragedy I could overcome, or someone had wronged me, it was my "own fault" in my view. I would start each day immediately consumed with guilt and wondering if I wasn't really the person I thought I was, make it through my day, and then go home, breakdown and cry. Like every day. I had struggled on and off with ERP for a very long time. I constantly doubted I had OCD, thought I was just looking for excuses, and never really fully committed. After a particularly bad episode, I decided enough was enough. I wanted to move on so I truly committed to ERP. Every day, even when I didn't want to or had excuses. And surprise surprise, it worked. It's been a couple months almost of just being happier. The ERP has become a part of my life now, I don't practice daily anymore because it comes up naturally during my day. Whenever I have a trigger now I just go right to "maybe maybe not" out of habit. And now I use it for so many things that used to give me anxiety. Did I embarrass myself at the night out? Eh maybe. Am I a bad person for not telling this person all of my horrible thoughts? I dunno whatever, doesn't matter. I get anxious still, but I don't dwell on these unanswerable questions anymore. Life is a lot better now. I can't say I'm a perfect person, but I'm not afraid to move on anymore. I wanted to mention this because specifically with real event, I know it can be hard to let go since you feel like you have evidence against yourself. I don't know if this is wrong, but I will say that now that I'm not in a constant state of anxiety, the events I was worried about seem soooo much smaller. Were they my best moments? No, but they're not the world ending choices I was making them out to be. Not to reassure, but I just want to emphasize how OCD can really get us stuck in our own heads and distort things so much. We catastrophize, but really we are some of the most compassionate people. I feel lucky in some small way to be a part of the community here. So yeah, just wanted to say that even if it seems like you're going to be stuck on something for years, it WILL get better! BUT YOU HAVE TO PUT THE WORK IN!!! Best of luck to y'all and I am here for whoever needs it ✨❤️

How do people with high self esteem deal with their low moments in life? Stupid things they did as teenagers, very embarrassing moments in their life, acting on something and regretting it after, etc. I can't shake the guilt at all and everyday I'm just reminded of my lowest moments and reminded of how much I don't believe in myself

I have had a crappy week with an OCD spike and allllllll the accompanying anxiety and depression and shame that goes along with it. I am the queen of just pushing those feelings down and refusing to deal with it, but I think I have reached my max. Last night I finally unloaded a lot of this on my husband and told him how I was feeling. I was so scared to share with him and worried about how he would take what I had to tell him. He was amazing and supportive and had me set up a telehealth appointment this morning and a consultation with NOCD this afternoon. I know I am taking steps to feel better, but this morning still feels really hard. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to seek reassurance, but I would really love to hear from someone who has had some success in getting this under control. All I can think is that my husband deserved better and that I am a burden and he shouldn’t have to deal with this. Yet all I want is to feel happy and more carefree again like I did a week ago. It wasn’t like the thoughts were gone, but I had them under control. They weren’t causing me to be in this anxious doom spiral like they are now. I am just feeling sad and hopeless, like this is what my life is going to be like forever. And I hate that.

For any girl dealing w/ HOCD do you find it hard to gain crushes on men? And if so why? I feel like it’s even harder for me because most men aren’t the best in relationships 😭 I’m struggling with trusting overall attraction to men. Also have any of you felt attracted to women? And if so how did that feel? Just wanted to hear any relevant input

Hey Buddy hope you get this message . It is about 8 pm your time . How are things?!?!

I’m so tired of living like this everyday is a struggle