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Took me 20 minutes to brush my teeth today 2 hours in the shower and i still feel dirty. Any tips?

Hello! Now I'm trying to let all these thoughts come to my head and accept the anxiety that's coming with them without challenging them - just leaving then unanswered. But my head keeps telling me things like, 'but maybe that actually was a bad thing you did, and you're just trying to push it away' or 'you might still go to hell, because this might not be OCD but you just being a bad person and trying to ignore it.' I can recognize all these as OCD thoughts but they undermine my coping strategies. Does this stuff get better with time and practice?

***trigger warning for health OCD*** Today was off to a great start I meditated and did some mantras to prepare myself for a better day than yesterday. Unfortunately right after my mantras as I went to get up from bed and check my phone I saw an angel number which is definitely one of my big triggers. I feel as if the universe or my angels are trying to tell me something and that I should listen to my intuition more (ofc what Google says when I look up the meaning) which is a big no no for me because I get so triggered and feel like I should do my compulsions. This has been going on for almost a month and even if I’m genuinely not thinking about it I can still spot it. Saw 222 yesterday afternoon and last night, 444 this afternoon and 555 an hour later (health OCD). I already got medical clearance just a month ago and now my head is saying it’s because what’s “really wrong with me” is someplace else in my body with my only evidence being the angel numbers I see and bloating (from my diagnosed IBS). I guess this new fear that maybe my ovaries are what’s wrong with me is from looking up women’s bloated tummies who have ovarian c-word and comparing them to mine (literally that article talks about a woman who mistook her c-word for IBS). When getting tested for IBS I also had a whole abdominal ultrasound and every organ came out fine even my uterus but they couldn’t see my ovaries due to ‘overlying bowel gas’ which didn’t freak me out before but now makes me feel like it’s a telltale sign that something’s wrong with me. I literally also got a pelvic exam about 3 years ago and all results were normal. Technically I have no actual symptoms but even if 10 amazing doctors told me my ovaries are fine I’d obsess over HPV instead for example or something else totally. I really can’t help but look at my tummy and obsess over repeating numbers. I check my weight every 2-3 days and now today I apparently lost 4kgs (I haven’t eaten in almost 13 hours though and the scale is really inaccurate because it’s so old). Despite this I think it’s such a sign from the universe that something’s wrong with me. Can ocd really do this to somebody?? Is it possible that even if I’m not consciously thinking about it I still spot it so many times?? I think I just can’t wrap my head around all this because my brain keeps forcing me to think it’s real and doesn’t even want to consider anything otherwise.

This is just kinda a rant, but any encouragement would be very much appreciated ❤️ I started dating my boyfriend when I was 16, I fell in love with him then and for the first 2 years of our relationship it was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I’m 20 now and we’ve been together ever since then, however in the past almost two years things have been different. He has a serous heart condition that has gotten progressively worse until now he needs a heart transplant. As you can imagine that causes a ton of stress for him and me as well and is I think a large contributor to my ocd. When things started getting worse with him so did my ocd. My ocd began to center around our relationship and cause me to obsess over if I love him, am attracted to him, feel like he’s a good person, etc. there have been times were this level of obsession has taken away any positive feelings I might get from him. There have been times were I felt that we had to break up. And looking back at all my negative thoughts about him I sometimes feel like I have ruined our perfect relationship. I’ve had a crush on him since I was in 8th grade and honestly spent the first 2 years obsessed with every detail of him. He always gave me this specific feeling, like a warm summer night or, like rain and pine trees. But what if I don’t ever get that feeling back? And he’s also changing as he struggles under the weight of his health issues. I miss the adventurous, alive kid he used to be. I’m so scared that I permanently messed it up. I miss him and that feeling so much. I wish I could just freeze time and be 16 with him forever. Will I get those feelings back again?

Feeling very depressed and run down as OCD is making my life hell... I'm getting "I don't deserve" thoughts about virtually everything, even I don't deserve to have thoughts. It's much harder to feel like you do deserve when you're depressed on top 😒 I don't want to do this anymore, everyday I feel intense amounts of emotional pain, this is a wretched disorder... all because I made a mistake earlier in life and I can't let go of it like a person with a normal brain. How is it fair that there are some truly horrible people in this world that sleep like babies and enjoy life and then there's OCD sufferers putting up with this crap... It's not fair, and I'm starting to question the meaning of all this

Everyone is saying without therapy a person can't get out of this loop hole, that means I'm not going to heal ever in my life? Cause I have no possibility of getting therapy from a therapist, there is 0% chance that I can go for therapy

Can you keep feeling like you need to think about thoughts you don’t like? Yesterday I had this horrible thought of you know in movies when they drag a body and bury it? I had a horrible thought of that image and then I kept feeling like I needed to imagine it and today it’s the same and now im thinking why am I I trying to imagine that say it it’s because I like it and im evil and it’s so vivid as well like as if I know how it feels to drag someone and it’s disgusting but feels real and I don’t understand why I keep wanting to imagine it?? Am I trying to test myself what is it ??

haven’t done any therapy yet and would like to talk to someone who has before cause i’m nervous and i just saw a woman on tik tok say intrusive thoughts are just intuition and it was so scary.

Im so drained , I haven’t been diagnosed I’m too scared to go to a doctor and I did tell my mum I think I had ocd and she laughed at me with disbelief because Im not a clean freak . My last option is suicide if I’m being honest I’m only 17 and I’m already having these uncomfortable thoughts that make me cry for hours . I can’t go on social media I can’t speak to my family I can’t be around kids , animals without having a fear of getting turned on or feeling stuff or thinking stuff . The thoughts get so believable idk if there real or fake . It makes me extremely uncomfortable “what if I like this feeling “ I have to constantly check myself my body if a video comes up of a kid . What happens if I don’t even have ocd and I’m just a pedo . I’ve been through a lot of stuff but this has been the most draining , depressing period of my life . I can’t eat , I’m starting to think I’m depressed again . I can’t sleep , I don’t know myself anymore . I’m scared of myself , my future , what happens if Im becoming one , since I’m so young . I don’t want to be here anymore I don’t deserve it . I don’t deserve to have friends I don’t deserve anything but to rot in my room . I don’t believe I can get help I don’t believe I can get better . I just want to be normal I’m so jealous of people that just think normally .

ERP is great and I agree that it’s the “gold standard” (as everyone loves to say, lol), but sometimes messaging around it’s success rates/durations of recovery fails to note the nuances of each individuals relationship with it and history of OCD which may be commorbid with other disorders, as well as life circumstances and privilege, access. Some people have had it longer, shorter, some people have OCD tied to trauma, some people have struggles related to fear and some to disgust. Not everyone gets better in 8 weeks, and it’s not a 1-stop shop. Yes, ERP IS the way to go, but I wish some of the black and white talk about it would stop othering folks who don’t necessary fall into marketed quotas about success rates and methods. We already feel isolated in our struggles, and when OCD loves to tell us “our case is the exception”, and “we got it really bad” some of that b+w pushing, pushing, pushing of “do erp and you’ll get better” could be toned down a touch.

I think I'm just such an awful person, I've had groinal responses in the past I'm aware of them but I really don't know what's real anymore, I think I might be an awful person so I'm so sorry, I just want to be clean and good. I'm not even diagnosed as having OCD. I showered yesterday which was so awful and tiring but I felt good after because I felt nice and pure. My bed was clean but now I feel like it isn't and everything is wrong because I messed up and now I feel dirty and wrong again. In some ways I hate being clean because then I have to worry about keeping clean, at least when I'm dirty I'm in a dirty bubble where as long as I don't touch anything different I'm fine. It takes so much work to maintain being clean but maybe that is just what I deserve. If people knew what went on in my mind they would laugh in my face or find me disgusting. I feel like I shouldn't be on this app because I think I might genuinely be an awful person so I'm sorry for tainting it with my rants. I'm only 16 I just want to be normal I've probably washed my hands about a million times today but what's the point if I'm just going to be dirty again. It lasted one day, one day of feeling happy and clean. Why did this have to be me?

having string feeling of regret shame and guilt about a past mistake i can't get it out my head it won't go away i feel like why did we do this when we were younger if this hadn't of happened i would be living my life but instead i'm just about getting by i really don't know what i'm meant to do or say to get past this mistake and instead feelings it's been about 10 years now living with this mistake i'm now 24

I constantly overthink that I’m being kept from information and being lied to and that stuff is always hidden from me. I cry at the slightest shift in tone and I overthink everything that may have lead up to it. I overthink changes in routine and when something that’s small to others change it feels like a stab in my heart. I hate change and when it happens I spiral and I feel like I’m no longer loved. When out of sight and out of mind, I always overthink about how the love will fade if he doesn’t have a constant reminder of me even if it’s only been a few hours. I feel like something will happen and he will not even care that I exist and he’ll cheat or lie or hide things from me until one day he reveals the truth way after he has lost feelings. I constantly worry even with insane amounts of reassurance and I don’t know how to stop my overthinking. This overthinking causes extreme panic attacks and feeling not whole and lonely. I often think of killing myself because of it and I don’t know how to talk to anyone because I don’t want people to think I’m in a bad relationship and make it worse by telling me to breakup with him. He’s very thoughtful and talks everything out with me now that I’m trying to be more open but even that doesn’t help. I told him yesterday and he said to try to find something good in everything I overthink, I thought then and there that he’d never understand because where is the finding something good in wanting to kill myself? I didn’t say that to him though because I didn’t want him to get upset. I did say how do I find a good in overthinking about lying and cheating though? And all he could reply is I don’t know how to help you beyond what I’ve already tried doing. And I know he didn’t mean it in a bad way but that caused me to spiral more. I stopped messaging him about the subject and just thanked him and told him I loved him so he didn’t feel bad he couldn’t help, but it made me feel like I’m unable to be fixed. It made me overthink things 10x more. I don’t know what to do anymore and how to help myself I just wanna be happy and trust him and trust myself and our relationship but it’s so hard with all these thoughts never leaving my head and appearing every single time I’m happy. I used to just bottle it in but it’d make me go mute and push him away physically and mentally even though I just wanted to be comforted. I hugged him while having these thoughts and balling my eyes out for a few hours yesterday and it felt more assuring than pushing him away, definitely, but I can’t always hug him when I need to and it’s not like I can ask for constant reassurance. He’s very busy, works, a student, acts, sports, etc and I can’t weigh him down like this and I wanna get better if I want our relationship to work. There are so many things that set off my overthinking; here are a few that do the trick. Long periods of time without being near me (not long to normal people, at most 2 days), long periods of time between text or talk, when Life360 messed up and shows me he’s on the side of the road or somewhere random etc, when I know he’s with pretty talented people, when his mood shifts or his tone changes, when he doesn’t wanna cuddle me when it’s hot, and countless more things. I know it’s an issue to get upset at these but I can’t help the scenarios and overthinking my brain makes up. It often causes me to want to punish myself to be more talented, skinny, pretty, less boring so that he’s always happy with me. There’s so much more but that’s all I can write right now and think of unless talking about specifics.

I can't tell if im truly depressed or emotionally exhausted. It's like I cant cope and I'm just depleted. My ocd was severe this summer, I was super happy last year. I feel jealous, it's overall a nasty feeling. Idk what to do anymore. Anything helps at this point

Would love to hear some right now

I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore I’m feeling like I’m faking my feeling of being upset and secretly want to laugh or smile and People on here say they’re scared to think of the thoughts but I’m deliberately imagining them to test myself but how can I think of such vile things on purpose and have no problem thinking of them, I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me, I’ve got this horrible scenario in my head that I’ve been worrying about, about burying someone and I’m literally sat there deliberately imagining digging a hole and putting mud on someone’s face and the thought is about my mum and then I’m frowning and getting pain in my eyebrows and feel stressed but I don’t know I’ve been tearful all night and this morning but I don’t know what’s going on. I started worrying. About these things because my brother went away and I’m alone in the house with my mum and I’ve been worrying about it, I don’t know what to do I feel so bad and I’ve been researching about that killer Chris watts and it he had mental health because it’s from that documentary how my ocd started because I started physically shaking after watching it and it’s almost like I got trauma from it because he seemed normal and then done that and online it says he wasn’t a psycho and that’s why it’s a strange case because he was normal and suddenly done that and now I’m wondering why I’m thinking of these evil thoughts in so much detail am I just testing myself to see if I’m like that or am I insane?? I’m really worried and then my brother rang to say he’s back tomorrow and now I feel a bit better but why can’t I be alone with someone without thinking these things I’m scared and don’t know what to do. My life feels like I’m in that documentary and that that could actually happen and it feels real and I don’t know what to do I feel like I’m lying about being worried I don’t even know if I’m panicking anymore I have been tearing g up but I don’t know why I’m entertaining these thoughts if I hate them??? It should be that I can’t bear to think of them but I’m deliberately thinking of them?? Say if I’m split personality or something say if secretly it appeals to me and I’m crazy and I would actually do that ??? I feel terrible

I’m sick of people telling me that someone is just around the corner or there is someone for everyone. I’ve been single for twenty years. I’ve told my doctors but they don’t do anything. It’s like they are saying I’m a freak so it is perfectly normal. I can’t go near any woman I like because of trauma and I want that treated. Well I assume it is trauma because the doctor eon’t tell me what it is. I hate when you ask them a question and they don’t say they don’t have an answer they just move on. I’ve lost 2 1/2 stone, I have a business, I don’t take drugs or drink or smoke, I take care of my personal hygiene, I shave and I get my haircut every two weeks. I’m obviously taking care of myself so being single for twenty years surely suggests there is an issue. I really try my best but I don’t want to do any more as it becomes compulsive. Is it wrong to ask for proper help and expect to get it?

I'm having a very difficult day from an intrusive thought I've been dealing with for a month. I feel like I can't get it out of my head and like I'm stuck inside myself. I'm scared I'm always gonna be like this. I'm scared it wont go away. My stomach is turning and I feel shakey and I'm really scared, tired and depressed. I just want my life back.

Don’t really know how to start this off but I’ve been having a lot of stress and dread about this hookup I had 2 years ago. I’m very shameful, embarrassed and angry at myself for what I did to myself. About two years I was in this phase where I just wanted a hookup. I do not remember why but I just did. Well I got tinder and found this partner, but this partner was not at all my preference. With respect, I was not physically attracted to her but I was drawn by the opportunity to meet up and hookup as I was a virgin* and wanted to get it “on”. We agreed to oral sex and the date was set. Through text we made sure* we were clean and I had told her it was my first time. Anyways we meet up and I drank a bit to loosen up and feel less anxious for what I was about to do, as soon as I saw her in person I felt a pit in my stomach, she did not look at all how I thought she did but I was already there and didn’t know how to pull out of the situation. So I chived on and got in her car and we’ll we got started. It was horrible. My first sexual experience and it was horrible, I was miserable, and I wanted it to end. I know it’s because she was like I stayed with respect and not to body shame, she was not my preference of partner nor physical standards and I mean by a long shot. Anyways she swallowed, sorry for the nasty info but this is crucial, and we’ll we went on our night. That night I had bad ideas and feelings. I thought I screwed up my life and all that type of stuff and etc. I’ve gotten over the ocd and anxiety of stds and what not but as of recent I’ve been having ocd loophole thoughts of “what if she impregnated herself” “ what if I have a kid” “ what if she’ll reach out to me to tell me” “ what if the kid will reach out to me”, then I even had this doubtful thought of “ what I’d she wasn’t a “she” “. I feel sick and afraid for all these worries I have. I just wanted to share and see if anyone had feedback. Thank you for your time.

I have TOCD and I am always so desperate to find the PERFECT image of myself? Like my ultimate identity. It’s so draining but I have to sit there after any minor thing that happens to me and see if it aligns with my identity. Every time I look at a group of people I have to identify which person I’d rather be in the group. I when I see myself as feminine it makes me sooo uncomfortable that I have to compromise and find a different way to perceive myself. All day every day I’m thinking about what kind of girl I wanna be and the perfect thing I can do which is making me feel like I’m forcing it every day because it’s become this ideal image of a person in my head. I have to be both feminine and masculine. I need to stop but I don’t know if it’s OCD or not but I’m so laser focused on figuring out and not picking every miniature thing that makes up my identity. I also ruminate about my gender so much and I feel like I do not want to be a man and have male features and I’d much rather be masculine as a girl and still be recognised as female but when I try to imagine myself as a dude I can’t think about it for long because my brain blocks it away and doesn’t let me actually think. I also feel as if Ive BANNED myself from experimenting with fully male identity. I just feel so separate from “maleness” because that’s NOT what I’ve ever seen myself as in my entire life, but maybe because I never let myself explore my feelings towards being tall and muscular and strong and having a deep voice and being dominant? I never was jealous of male features or anything before this, never wanted a penis or a deep voice in my life, but now I’m not so sure because these things are so far removed from what I actually look like that maybe I never consider them because it’s unattainable?The thing is I will imagine myself as transgender but actually imagining myself as a man is so uncomfortable . I don’t really like the idea of being a grown adult man . One other suspicious thing that’s been bothering me is that saying “maybe, maybe not” brings me immediate relief and comfort, whereas for other people it seems really scary. I don’t even know why this is because my brain is blocking me from investigating this. It could be the relief that I have a choice in the end but idk. I also feel immensely uncomfortable with my own body now. It makes me feel so uneasy the fact that I have boobs which is my main problem is so weird to me .they don’t feel like a part of me anymore and somewhat I believe I have developed dysphoria and this could be actual questioning because I heard that it can become obsessive and ruminating for actual questioning people. I used to be so comfortable in my body (actually I’m not sure about this claim) and I actually used to be extremely confident and now I’m not. I am uncomfortable with the idea of going back to how I was before and again I DONT KNOW WHY. If I have OCD wouldn’t I miss my old self??