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I really need to talk with someone

If anyone on this forum is experiencing what I’m experiencing please share your thoughts & experiences with me 🙏. I believe that I have gone insane with the awaful existential thoughts I’m having… I feel like I’m constantly looking for myself , questioning where I am , am I real? Is the world real? Am in a purgatory? What is I’m dead and I don’t know? I’ve become so unsure of myself and of everything around me , I’m constantly doubting reality , I feel so disconnected and feel as though my brain is falling a part and only little parts of it are functioning … I feel trapped inside my own head it’s like own head it’s like I want to escape out my head but I can’t and that triggers severe anxiety. What if I have already hurt someone & I wasn’t aware ?I have forgotten what it’s like to think and live like a normal person ! In fact my brain is now wired to think and live with my awful thoughts 🥲. I can’t cry or react to any happiness or sadness , I often worry that if something happens to someone I love , I won’t be able to show emotion … taking Lexapro but it’s not helping it helps with the depression but not with the intrusive or anxious thoughts. Another reason why I think I’m going mad is for example I’ll be driving on the highway then a truck drives past me, immediately I picture that I had a car accident and I’m not sure if I’m dead or a live because I’m so depersonalised that I don’t know if I’m still here . The hatred at part is trying to explain to a therapist what and how I’m feeling hence I’m reaching out to anyone on this forum who can relate and share their thoughts with me please 🙏

Hey everyone I finally have built up the courage to get a therapist. I feel like I have Harm OCD(struggled daily for the last month)& I’ve struggled with anxiety (for the last 4yrs or so). Its been getting the best of me for the last month or so. Unfortunately the HOCD goes after the people dearest to me who I would never hurt in my life. It’s been so bad that I’ve lost sleep and avoided people out of fear of those intrusive thoughts actually happening. The shame that it brings is almost unbearable, it’s brings deep depression without wanting to live. like my family deserves better along with feeling like I’m absolutely nuts and belong in a hospital. I would love to get my life back on track mentally so I can enjoy the people I love the most without being scared of hurting them and being able to function normally throughout the day(work,ball games etc)Any tips or pointers would be greatly appreciated until I am able to see a therapist(waiting on medical referral)

I just signed up for this app and it looks really interesting. I am learning so much and really that ocd is so broad. I’m sitting here thinking is my anxiety and depression coming from a type of ocd?… I really obsess over past events mostly stupid stuff none of my friends think twice about. Stumbling on words in-front of crowds, to laughing too loud in a quiet environment, to getting a question wrong in class. Everything I think I do wrong. During the day I’m pretty good at distracting myself but when I try to fall asleep the thoughts almost paralyze me- Which could be the obsessiveness leading to anxiety. When I get like that I see myself in the situation over and over and over again. I KNOW my brain is over exaggerating these events soooo much but I get so anxious. I have put myself so down I developed almost a anxious stutter, and I can’t look someone in the eyes with out my brain skipping a word or stuttering. I feel like I know it’s anxious because when i start drinking it goes away😂. I have a very outgoing personality, and love being with people and being the jokester. I loose so much sleep because of this. I’ve tried melatonin,thc, and even prescribed sleeping pills. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m also in high school so it’s hard when your peers think you different than them. Sorry for the rant. If anyone relates to this let me know :)

Hi everyone, I’m really struggling today and wanted to reach out to see if others can relate. Not sure if this is a symptom of OCD or is separate, but I’ve always had a big intolerance for change of any kind, big or small, positive or negative. Just got back from vacation which was super fun, but being in so many places & then back at home has me really shaken up. I also brought back my cat with me since she was at my mom’s & even though I LOVE my cat, having her back again after 8 months feels very uncomfortable & stressful. I’ll be moving to another apartment (same city) in a couple weeks & know in advance that it will be extremely hard on me mentally/emotionally to have a new space. It takes me longer than normal to adjust & I feel quite depressed with moving, the season changes… really anything that’s new. Does anyone else experience this & could share their coping strategies?

I’m struggling with intrusive images. How do they work for other people? The flashes are getting to me

So I am like 99.99% sure that I have Pure OCD. I have horrifying intrusive thoughts about a variety of topics, and because they’re so scary I’ll ruminate over them again and again for hours, trying to find the answer. I’ll feel horribly ashamed and guilty and ask for reassurance. Sometimes, although rarely, I’ll do physical compulsions like taking a breath and trying to “breath out” the intrusive thought, or counting. However, I’ve been doing a lot of research on ocd, since I’ve been dealing with this for a long time, and have been trying my best to not do compulsions. When I get an intrusive thought, I try to acknowledge it, and then just continue on with my day and let it fizzle away naturally, even if I have to sit with the anxiety. A big thing for me is not avoiding the children in my life. There are a lot of children who are very dear to me (my little stepbrother, little cousins, family friends etc) and I don’t want ocd to control my life and ruin my relationships with them, especially with my little stepbrother. Even though ocd is scary, and can feel very real at time, I know, for a fact, that it is illogical, and that I pose absolutely no threat to children. Recently my step mom offered me a job to babysit my little stepbrother, and I took the job. I find that it has helped me a lot. When Im busy and get an intrusive thought, it’s a lot easier for me to just continue on without doing compulsions, because I’m busy taking care of him. Plus, I am consistently proving to myself that I am a safe person for him and all children, which helps immensely with separating the lie that ocd tells me with who I actually am as a person. I find that these days ocd comes in waves. Sometimes I’m able to easily dismiss intrusive thoughts as just that, intrusive thoughts, and continue with my life (although I am finding that ocd can be sneaky and pop up where I don’t recognize it at first), but other times it’s just horrible and I’ll spend hours on ruminations, and spiral. When I spiral I have a really bad physical reaction, my brain feels like it’s being stabbed by thousands of needles and my stomach twists into horrible knots that still hurt for hours, sometimes even days, after the spiral attack. Luckily, the good phases last longer than the bad phases, with the good phases lasting multiple months and the bad phases usually only lasting half a month-two months. But now comes my real dilemma: I don’t have a diagnoses. It’s been really hard to find anywhere that I can get a diagnoses, and I’ve been asking my mom if I can get a therapist for a while and she just hasn’t been getting on it. However, recently I’ve been speaking up about my mental health, ocd as well with just other stuff that I won’t get into, and things are actually finally starting to happen. And so in a few weeks my moms friend is going to take me to a walk in clinic where hopefully I can get a diagnoses. My fear is that because I don’t avoid children, they might not believe that I have ocd, and they may think I’m actually a pedo. I had a sort of scare the other day when I went to a walk in clinic, I told the lady there about my intrusive thoughts, as well as my real suicidal thoughts and self harm thoughts, and she conflated the two when they are extremely different in nature, I want to hurt myself, I DO NOT want to hurt others, especially kids. She also kind of implied that my intrusive thoughts come from some pent up anger towards my brother, which just like, what the actual fuck? She then also asked if I felt that I should continue babysitting him and if I pose a threat to him, which I was extremely adamant that I am not, and that these are INTRUSIVE thoughts and ocd, but I’m not sure if she was completely assured, but I may be looking too much into it cus she didn’t ask any further questions about it, and if she genuinely thought I was a danger she probably would. Every time I brought up ocd though, she told me not to, since they don’t do diagnoses there and are most focused on ending the symptoms, which like doesn’t even make sense to me cus how are you supposed to treat me if you don’t even know what’s fucking wrong, but either way I’m getting kind of heated rn as I’m typing this but it really really scared me as she didn’t seem totally assured when I told her I’m not a danger, but again, I might be looking too into it. I told my moms friend, who knows about my ocd and my subtypes and is very supportive, and they agreed that the ladys actions were weird and that they’ll take me to a different place that is more specialized in this sort of thing and will better understand. However, like I said, I’m still afraid that because I don’t avoid kids and because I am good a lot of the time, they might not believe me that this is ocd. My moms friend said that they’ll be there with me and will vouch for me, so that’s reassuring. Plus writing this down has given me a lot of perspective because just reading this out, I see no logical way this isn’t ocd, and I’m sure a specialist will believe me. Plus I have other subtypes other than pocd, like general sexual intrusive thoughts, responsibility ocd, morality ocd, etc. I just wanted to get this off my chest, I feel a lot better now 👍

Hey guys, I just downloaded this app. I believe I have OCD on certain things. I check the stove before I go to bed 100 times over and over again even though my eyeballs clearly tell me it's off. I sometimes switch the light switch on and off multiple times until i am finally satisfied that it's off correctly. Sometimes I even count when i do it. I also obsses about my birth control. One of my fears is to get pregnant. I take my birth control every morning at 6 am and go back to sleep but sometimes get intrusive thoughts that I didn't take it even though I did, or I think irrational thoughts. like for example. I think my birth control will go back up my throat when I lay back down to go sleep after taking it. I'm a big drooled, so I always think my drool will bring the pill back up. Makes no sense. I know :( but it's just something I fight in my head every day. Even now, as I type this. Sometimes when I park my car I have to check 100 times that it's in my park because I worry it will roll backwards or forward and it crash and me become carless or even worse. Hurt someone. Anybody else go through this?

Recently i have been struggling with a false memory situation where i feel like i have cheated on my partner on my 10min walk home from a club (slightly tipsy but remember most the journey) , after obsessive rumination over the situation i pictured me kissing a girl on the walk home from the club, with no details of her face or how i got into that situation and i deep down know its a false vision / memory and i would never do such a thing, and thats how i have been going about it. Its a month now since the night where i thought i may have cheated and i have now got to the point where, i struggle to define weather it is a fake memory or not and is my brain is capable of making up such a vision? If anyone else has experienced this or knows how to deal with this it would be nice to hear about it, thankyou

Last night I came home from a long day at work and greeted my boyfriend. The way he greeted me back was a simply “hey” and he kept playing on his phone. His tone read like he wasn’t excited to see me and I got upset and said nothing to him. I just dropped my stuff, got ready for bed, and laid down. He tried to ask me if I was alright and I just told him that I was tired and wanted to go to bed. He proceeded to tell me that he thinks I’ll be fine come morning and that he’s going to go bed too, and if I’m not fine he’s going to be pissed off. I haven’t said a word to him, he hasn’t said a word to me. I keep thinking that because he didn’t respond to me in excitement he doesn’t care. It spiraled out into me thinking about the little things that have happened throughout the past couple days. Ex: I left him a little note with those rubber band bracelets I made for him and he moved the bracelets to a safe place but never said anything about the note. Ex 2: On a different day - I pulled a little necklace vial out of the box he keeps it in and put it back on a chain. I used the chain to make a little heart and left it sitting in a very obvious place with a little note as well. The note and chain have not moved. It’s been nearly a week. This was after an argument, so I don’t think he wanted to talk to me and wanted space. However, he still hasn’t said anything to me about it. Not even a comment like “I saw you put this there - it means something to me” or whatever. I know these things are little and I know he responded to this way me not because of me but because he just wasn’t in a good mood but I can’t help but internalize it and think he’s constantly mad at me, he hates me, etc. I feel unappreciated, unloved, and like he doesn’t care. Can anybody please help me?

I am feeling very calm I am on zoloft almost 2 months and I think that it works..my muscle are little tired but I don't care Do you think that I will se a bigger improvement?

I have schiz ocd, which triggered after I’ve read a lot about the ilness (dumb me). That happened after a THC cart panic attack. On my way home I had my first HOCD and 2 weeks later, after reading about psychosis , it switched to schiz ocd. I don’t have any more HOCD, but I would rather have it instead of the new one. I got over every other aspect of this ocd (hallucinations, flat affect , etc), but I can’t get over delusions. The problem is, I get every single delusion I’ve read about. Sometimes those “fake” delusions feel very very real, like I almost believe them. When I am calmer I can easily label them as nonsense. And that could sometimes be even minutes later. Sometimes I spiral very hard and I caught myself even telling to me things like “this is not true in reality, it is just psychosis that is making you think those things”. I use to have days without such bad moments, but there are also days that it is extremely overwhelming. Could someone please tell me, is it normal for ocd thoughts to sometimes feel much more real and sometimes not? Like depending on the mix of anxiety, fear , spiralling and etc at the moment? Also I need to mention that I’ve never had even the slightest such thought ever before reading about it. I think this is my first ocd theme, although I had some minor ocd traits for many years before.

I feel as though my contamination ocd is only progressing into more draining and irrational routines. It started off as excessive handwashing - now it's disinfecting every surface of my room because of the thought of flying lint touching something contaminated therefore touching everything in my room. Its so exhausting. I feel as though the world is ending if something is unclean or dirty according to my OCD. Its making me feel like I'm going crazy, I've been looking on this app for anyone with similar experiences but it's no use :(

TLDR: stressed and emotional 24/7. Current fixations on anaphylaxis and choking. Lost 5 pounds in a week bc I’m not eating well as a compulsion. Dealing with a slew of health issues too exacerbated by outdoor allergies. got prescribed: Zyrtec, Flonase, singular, azelastine, and 50 mg prednisone no taper. Gaslighted myself over the prednisone and didn’t start it bc ocd. I am overwhelmed and exhausted 26 (F) I have Ptsd and ocd which is real nice way of saying, ocd is the aggressor and ptsd just has to make the choice to interact or not. It’s worse when they are both flared up at the same time, that’s never fun. I’ve been on this site intermittently, I really only come back when ocd is completely flared bc it’s nice to have community. People who don’t have problems don’t really post, you know how the saying goes. Well, I’ve been due for an ocd flare up. I haven’t had one in about a year. I have days where it’s hard but I consider flare ups to be ocd that lasts more than a week. I’ve been in a flare up for about three weeks now. I have outside stressors going on like my job is high maintenance and my partner and I aren’t getting along rn. I’ve been unwell since December, like constant sinus infections and then tonsillitis and then Covid (for the 2nd time) and then a summer cold. So I’m not used to being healthy this year. I suspect I’m also long hauling again from Covid. So I’ve got a lot of inflammation. I got allergy tested and tested positive to every tree, grass and a few weeds. So they think that’s why I’ve been getting so sick. I got diagnosed with asthma even though I don’t have any physical symptoms other than chest tightness and shortness of breath. I have a rescue inhaler with albuterol, I just broke down and finally started taking Flonase for my allergies, I’m on 10mg of cetirizine, and I’m gonna start singular tonight. My current ocd fixations are on choking and anaphylaxis. I’m scared to eat if I’m not around people for these reasons. For the past two months, when I eat certain things my throat gets so tight and I get so much mucus in my throat that it never comes up and it’s hard to swallow. Like a post nasal drip, so that’s where anaphylaxis started coming in. It’s not uncommon for to develop food allergies in my family later on in life. So now after everything I eat I’m like this is it, this is how I go out, despite only having the throat sensitivity. My allergist thinks it’s acid reflux but I have no other symptoms. He doesn’t think it’s food allergies or sensitivities at all. I wish he would just give me an food allergy test so I would just know. Long story just to give where I’m struggling: This week I’ve been going through an “asthma” flare up. I had to use my inhaler for the first time in my life. I got in with my allergist bc I was worried about it so that’s how Flonase and singular started. He thinks it’s an acute case. He also prescribed Azelastine nose spray and told me to take all of that and my cetrizine. He also prescribed 50 mg of prednisone once a day no taper, just in case. Now I was supposed to start today, but I chickened out. I couldn’t do it. I got too scared bc of the side effects. I already suffer from insomnia and I’m going through an ocd flare up. I don’t need anymore adrenal stress. Im sure my body is flooding with cortisol as it is. I gaslighted myself and told myself I’m not that bad. What if it was never asthma and just anxiety/long haul symptoms? Bc even he wasn’t sure it was an asthma attack that I was having bc my flow meter and lung function test were still within normal ranges. There’s so much I don’t understand about my allergies and asthma. I’ve literally lost 5 pounds in 1 week bc I’m barely eating. Im so scared I’m going to react to everything I eat now. I cry all of the time because I’m so stressed. I cried at work. I cried to the allergy doctor. I cried bc what if I’m allergic to my cats and I have to get rid of them? Im so exhausted. I leave for a trip in a week to a convention that I’ve waited all year to go to and I’m about to ruin it for myself if I can’t get a grip on this. I don’t know what to do. Im tired of meds but I’m tired of not taking the meds bc I’m scared. It’s such a vicious cycle. Im getting back in with EMDR starting next week bc that’s what calmed it down the last time. I know there are people that are struggling more long haul and allergies than I am. So this is nothing in comparison. I don’t want to be how I was last time. Last really bad flare up I had I was agoraphobic for three months and it was in tandem with PTSD and I was so scared of getting drugged that I didn’t eat. While this is similar, it’s not that bad yet. Im just tired and want relief. Thanks for listening to my rant if you stuck around this long.

I’m so worried. I keep having anxiety while sleeping and waking up and having horrible nightmares related to my OCD. Now I’m afraid to sleep and my health OCD keeps saying there are other reasons for it too. I’m so scared and anxious, do other people deal with this? I haven’t really slept in days

Feel really hopeless and a failure with this stuff. 36 yo man. First intrusive thought that stuck bad (25 ROCD). After 6 months of obsessing, turned into SOOCD. Suffered ever since. What does it feel like? - instant zero ability to find drive, joy, libido, happiness. Replaced by one overwhelming obsessive subject. - feels like 24/7 anxiety in the same way you’d feel if you had to do something you really didn’t want to do? - feels like I don’t believe it’s OCD, despite being diagnosed. Like my brain doesn’t believe it or won’t? - feels like everything is turned into ‘evidence’ to prove the obsession true. - feels like I’m lying to myself. In denial. That I want it. That it’s true. - feels like I don’t know who I am anymore. Or what I even want. It’s like pre-obsession me (normal) and post obsession me. My psych tells me treatment is: - identify the compulsions physical and mental (mostly mental) and I’ve done that. - identify triggers, ideas that bring on all the negative feelings. I’ve done that. - acknowledge the thoughts/feelings as they come, treat them as noise, create distance between them, and don’t engage with them further. REALLY STRUGGLING - purposefully use the triggers to get you to the point of negative feelings and don’t engage. HAVENT STARTED Why do I not believe this is OCD? Why is my brain believing the obsession? Why is my brain using everything as evidence to prove the obsession true? Why can’t I find the motivation to take the leap of faith into full treatment? :/

Does anyone get jealous when their bc is friends with another girl? Even if it’s a friends gf? Could that be ocd?

y’all this is so unbelievably stupid but somehow my brain is making me obsess over this 😭. okay so the other day i was playing fortnite with my guy friend. we were spamming a bunch of emotes to each other and he did this one emote where u can hug each other and so i hugged him. through a game. and suddenly my brain was like “dude you are so unfaithful to your partner” LIKE?? ugh guys. omfg. im trying so hard not to seek reassurance on this but i NEED help on this one. ive been fighting the urge to confess to my partner that i did this and i have a feeling he will be upset 😭 i know for a fact im not attracted to my male friend and i would never look at him as anything more than a friend. i feel like confessing this to my partner would just make things worse for him, but it would make me feel better, because it feels like im hiding something from him. does that make sense? i feel so stupid for obsessing over this but UGHHHH. idk if i should tell him or not.

Well I went to my therapist and she told me I have these thoughts because I’m bored , and that I’m emotionally cheating on my boyfriend .

I’ve been going through a lot of problems with my partner the past couple months. about three weeks ago we “broke up” on our own terms where we didn’t have any set rules and it was kind of a mess. i would have really bad days or periods of time that i didn’t wanna be together at all or have to respond to them. then i would feel so bad and remorseful and wonder what they possibly could have done wrong to deserve these feelings from me. last week we broke up for good, with enforced no contact rules and we’ve unfollowed each other on everything. the day after this happened i felt a lot of relief that at least i didn’t have to think about it anymore. the day after i was mostly okay but at one point felt like i was on the edge of a heart attack and just felt so heavy and couldn’t stand it and missed them so much. the next day i was unrealistically fine and was trying everything to distract myself, reaching out to people, setting up hang outs for the next day/upcoming week, trying to reconnect with past people, basically doing way too much. i had a carefree attitude about it even though i knew deep down it was all a distraction. on days like these i refrain from getting on this app because i don’t want to have to deal with the possibility that i just need to work on this relationship. today is the day after that and i’ve been a mess. i miss them so much and feel as though i’ve made a big mistake. i know that i cant act on these feelings just as much as i shouldn’t act on negative ones about my partner, because the whole reason we broke up for good was so that there wouldn’t be a constant back and forth. i know i need to just sit with this discomfort for more than just a day because my feelings could change tomorrow. the main question i’m struggling with is, if they were right for me, would i really be debating it this much and seriously? is this just a bad time in my life? if anyone has any words or advice i’d love to hear it. more context if you wanna read: i’ve had so many struggles that i’ve been through with this person, one being that our parents didn’t approve/let us date until we both turned 18. there’s a lot of back and forth in my mind about this, “were we so distracted in fighting other people that we didn’t realize we weren’t right for each other?” and “how can it be wrong when we went through so much together?” and on the other hand “what if because of the huge switch in the root of our problems (from outside conflict to internal conflict with each other) that it just felt so different and it caused me to re-evaluate everything instead of just taking it as it was?” this is my first relationship with someone of the same sex. i’ve had a lot of internalized homophobia throughout this relationship, obvious or not, and it may also show up in some of my reasonings. i have a lot of predispositions of what life is “supposed to be” for me, what kind of person i am “supposed to end up with.” this causes me to internalize thoughts about things like our race, our sizes, our masculinity/femininity balance. throughout all of these things, they have seemed to see clearer than me, realizing that they like me as a person so why would any of that matter (outside of their own personal insecurities). some of this has to do with me worrying about how other people will see me, as well as how good or perfect i see the relationship myself behind closed doors. another thing i’ve noticed is that i tend to be too focused on how i’m perceived by them and not on just being in the moment and perceiving them. in other words, i’m always actively trying to be someone who is worthy of being in love with, and not enjoying the person i have in front of me. this makes me feel like i’m more in love with myself than i am with them. because of the disapproval from my parents, we were forced/encouraged to hang out a lot less, maybe once or twice a week. i missed them and wanted to hang out more and took that opportunity when it presented itself, but i realized that i may have loved the space/breaks more than i realized. my partner was the opposite, and would’ve already moved in with me if given the chance. this made me think that we were just not compatible in that area, and should find people who want to be around each other the same amount. we are going to the same college as freshmen in less than a week, and when we were together and there for orientation, i had a really hard time sitting with the idea that we would be there together so much. the first night was so fun and i loved spending all day with them, but it got harder as time went on, so much that i psyched myself into thinking i never even liked this person and hardly know them, and it felt like i gad woken up from a fever dream and was forced to give up my independence and share a life with this person forever. (obviously this is soooo extreme and no one was wanting to trap me.) we were never even going to room together for the actual college and planned on waiting for the step of moving in, however those three days really scared me. things that HAVE stayed constant in my mind are that i genuinely love this person, i want what’s best for them, and i don’t regret the relationship for what it was. overall, all of these things that i’ve had doubts over make me feel like 1)it shouldn’t be this hard to be in a relationship and 2)they don’t deserve someone who can’t make up their mind about the relationship. should we stay broken up for sure and i’ll just have to appreciate the relationship for what it was at the time and get over my regrets and wondering if i lost an amazing partner? or should i be holding out hope for a longer future with them?