Iām an only child, and since I was little my mother was always having some kind of attacks or breakdowns. We used to sleep together in the same room, every night, in the dark, once starts to get headache, she starts screaming and shouting and talk about things that bother her and say her own ocd thoughts out loud, even though sheās religious, I remember her cursing God and talking bad to him and talking about existential things such as God created us to makes us suffer and to play with us as toys, which was extremely scary to a little kid, she also used to blame me for everything sheās going through cuz she wanted to get divorce but couldnāt because she got pregnant with me and she used to abuse me physically sometimes, and the most scary thing she used to do, is acting as if sheās insane and beating herself and suddenly laughing, it was horrible, and whatās more confusing, is that she turns into a completely different person in the morning, as if I was living with two people.
I grew up, and my mother is way better than before, when I remember these days it feels like someone kind of an old dream, and my mother thought that I wouldnāt remember these things once I grew up, but I still do, I donāt think about often, but I think maybe itās the thing that made me develop OCD, especially existential OCD.
Before two weeks, I had an argument with my mother, she did me wrong, and I was too upset and she was trying to gaslight me into thinking that Iām being sensitive and that she did nothing wrong which makes me feel more upset that I started saying some harsh words to her such as thatās why no wants to be friends with you, and she suddenly started to scream and beating herself and saying things for about half hour, it was just like these old nights, Iāve never seen her like this for years, and what made me more scared, is that once she started doing that, I suddenly felt numb, and I had a poker face on, I felt nothing and did nothing, as if my mind was trying to protect me from having such an extreme emotions that it wonāt handle.
Itās been almost two weeks, all this time Iām feeling detached from my body, my brain is foggy, I suddenly lost my confidence and I feel shamed and donāt want anyone to look at me or notice me and I just wanna hide somewhere, I lost my appetite and I lost some weight, I donāt feel secure nor safe, and Iāve been having nightmares every night.
Iām trying to get back to myself, I thought maybe itās an OCD episode and I have to make ERP, but I canāt spot any obsessive thoughts, my brain is so foggy and dizzy.
Iām thinking is it possible to be Depersonalization/ Derealization?
