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the NOCD Community

I’m going to share my story- it might be a little bit long-winded, very honest but any advise, suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated. Also, this could may be a trigger warning. So about 10 years ago (ish) I remember my first experience of a panic attack. I was watching a documentary about serial killers (as you do…) and suddenly my head was filled with this overwhelming thought of ‘You could do that, you could kill people to and just not care’. I didn’t know where it had come from but for some reason I couldn’t get it. I felt overwhelmed and it was in my head constantly. I thought the only way to get rid of it was to act on it. I couldn’t look at knives. I felt evil. It was horrible and I didn’t know what was going on. In all honestly I can’t remember how long this lasted for. It was a while ago now, a lot has changed. I went to see someone within the mental health services here in the UK and she told me this sounded like text book OCD. The relief was overwhelming. However, I then began questioning it. Is it? OCD doesn’t make you want to kill someone? I didn’t do any further research but the symptoms did seem to ease. Looking back in hindsight now, I think those symptoms eased but I developed new ones. SOOCD was one I can remember, as well as a real fear of contamination. But I didn’t think much of it. I was referred for CBT with a trainee therapist who quickly dismissed OCD and suggested I had a generalised anxiety order. I don’t doubt I’m anxious- I definitely am. But I do feel like there is more to it than that. 2 years later and I am in an AMAZING relationship. He is gorgeous, hard-working, funny and so supportive and understanding. I constantly question why he wants to be with me- but that’s normal right? He is amazing. Until 1 day I get thoughts saying ‘You don’t want this- you don’t love him’…what? My mind is so confused. I’m filled with this desire and love for him but my brain doesn’t seem to want it. I talk to him, I don’t understand why but he’s understanding and patient. It passes. Until about 2 months ago. Oh my god does it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I am at work and have to hide in the toilet to cry and cry. I don’t know what is going on but I cannot think of anything else but this. ‘You don’t love him’, ‘you don’t want to be with him’, ‘This isn’t right for you’, ‘you can’t be in relationships’. I don’t know why this is happening because I am so convinced this is right- I can’t put my finger on anything wrong with the relationship or him. This has happened in previous relationships. Always around the year point. I have a mental hurdle that I can’t get past a year in a relationship because I never have. But in the past relationships, I’ve always found justification for ending the relationships- they haven’t been 100% right or what I needed. So what is going on now with my great relationship? I want this to work so much but my brain is saying no. I stumbled across an article on MSN of all places called ‘What is rOCD and do you have it?’ I was curious- relationship OCD…what is that? I read and almost burst into tears. This sounded just like me. I googled, and googled and found so much information on this thing I’d never heard of- a subtype of OCD- the Pure O type. I instantly felt better- I’m not insane, it’s not the relationship- this is OCD. But is it? I’ve watched videos and read so many articles. I’ve download apps and joined support groups. I’ve reached an odd point now. I’m not anxious anymore. I take medication which has eased the panic and 24/7 thoughts. The thoughts are still there but sometimes I feel as if I’m searching for them to explain why I’m feeling like I am. I’m finding it hard to figure out exactly how I am feeling. There is a mental block in my head. I care about my boyfriend but that feeling of unrequited love isn’t flourishing like it did. I want OCD to be the cause of my worries so much but my head is telling me I’m just trying to convince myself it’s OCD but it’s not- I need to end the relationship. It’s the first thing I think in the morning. I’m scared my medication has kicked in and these thoughts are my rational mind. I don’t know what triggers it, but compulsions aren’t working so well anymore. I can’t see feel normal again, I can’t see the relationship being as good as it was. I’m scared about going to a therapist incase they say it’s not OCD and it is the relationship. I want to love him so much, he is so amazing and truly the best person I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. I find it hard believing love is a choice. I find it hard to accept feelings are just feelings. I am starting to find it hard to relate to the videos. I’m not sure if I’ve just exhausted the reading- I do feel so tired all the time. I feel the uncertainty hard. I also find it hard to believe this is fear- I don’t feel scared. Have I hidden the fear- is it buried deep down? I don’t know. I don’t know why this happens. Distraction helps. Seeing my partner does also usually ease the symptoms. But is that the answer? Is it OCD? Do I need distraction? Or is it the relationship? Is it over? I really don’t know. If you’ve made it this far, amazing and thank you for reading. I hope this might help you in someway. Thank you.

Why no one is answering me

CHRISTIANITY ALERT. I go to a catholic school and I’m baptist. We had mass today and they talked about Mary and how we are her daughters. Once I heard about Mary I felt like I wanted to trust her. Ocd told me I can’t go to Mary because God would be mad at me for “leaving him.” Even though I’m not, I’d still be able to talk to God, I’d just trust Mary too. So now I’m really trapped with whether or not I should stay baptist, be catholic, or just be both. Ocd says I can’t be both because nobody else I know has done that, and in my head if nobody else did it then I can’t. So I’m really stressed out about this

I dont know if this is considered ROCD, but Im always checking up on what my boyfriend is doing on social media and put thoughts into my head that he’s cheating on me... I’ve caught him sending messages to another girl, and it broke my heart. I was so close to breaking up with him but decided to give it another try and my trust in him is growing back. We have been really really good lately but I always am engaging in compulsions to check Instagram and every platform of social media. It is especially worse when I text him, and he doesn’t answer and I see him active on another platform... it triggers me to think he’s messaging another girl and my thoughts start spiralling. I do not try to engage in the compulsion to always check my phone but somehow I always do. It’s consuming my professional life and distracting me from work!! Any advice?

So I saw something online called excessive worrying anxiety. It’s almost the same as ocd. The website said people with generalized anxiety disorder feel extremely worried or feel nervous about things even when there is little or no reason to worry about them. People with GAD find it difficult to control their anxiety and stay focused on daily tasks. So basically it’s the same thing as ocd but you don’t do compulsions. I’m not sure what I have because I can’t really pinpoint my compulsions. Maybe because my ocd is pure o? Idk but.... I know it’s some type of anxiety because if I actually was this way I wouldn’t worry like this. I was at volleyball and I saw the girl who triggered my hocd thoughts and I just can’t stand her now. I don’t even want to look at her. I used to be best friends with her? Ugh now I hate her. I didn’t want her to make the volleyball team how mean. Now that I think of it though this might be a compulsion. Avoiding looking at her, talking to her, doing anything with her.... wait so do I have ocd? Don’t answer that? That’s reassurance. Welp I guess I figured it out myself??

My ocd started during pride month and I heard many stories (on tick tock) that girls used to be boy crazy but then they realized the were lesbians. That scared the crap out of me, now I can’t get it out of my head!!!

I truly think this all comes from my childhood. Ive stumbled upon porn and damn that has ruined me. The doubt started small but like i knew i liked boys. But now... it has affected me to much. The doubt blew up and im lost. U know i hate that this goes in the way of me having a normal damn life and focussing on some real shit that matters like a jon or watever. Im litteraly out here ruining my teenage years and feeling like i have to come Out and feeling like im a damn lesbian . And u know, that thought doesnt even weird me out anymore??? And j freaking hate jt because if i heard myself saying this before hocd was in my life id laugh at myself. I even feel like i lost my femininity trough this. I canf feel sexy, pretty, elegant anything. I feel like a woman with a purple pixie cut who plays rock guitar and is lesbian while im truly sooo the opposite of that. I miss my old me so muuuch. She was tjis girl that dreamed about her man so innocently. I was so innocent like just here and being a girly girl and i loved that version of me. gosh i feel disgusting like these thoights in my head break me down. Im scared this will effect me forever. Even IF i get over this im scared that one day ill find a man and all of a sudden this returns and goes like, nope u like woman while im litteraly into the guy. Soo much fear. I feel like ill never be able to Love again without having something about my sexual orientation on my mind. What is this modern time doing to me??

TRIGGER WARNING-Contamination OCD Today started with a crazy amount of stress due to the intrusive thoughts. Have a huge issue with the toilet in general, especially the flushing without the cover on. My brain believes that bacteria and microbes in general will fly from there to me and my things, and causes a big amount of distress. I am trying to be logical with it and understand that nothing will happen. But even the thought of being covered in that makes me wanna clean everything I have and shower. Let’s be clear mum’s bleaches it every day, but still when she does and gets out to continue her chores I’m afraid she carries something that will get on me. I am sorry, this is gross to everybody, but I need to listen to voice of reason, as this is getting every day more difficult to handle.

Just saw a therapist. She isn’t familiar with POCD but she’s says I don’t have it. She says I have ocd and I have anxiety and sexual abuse trauma. I tried to show her and she still dismissed it.

Suffering from religious ocd

Something I worry about a lot is the fact that the SOOCD is my only persistent theme that occurs every single day from morning to night. Sometimes it goes into my gender but that’s not always. When I read other stories, people’s themes seem to change, or they’ve had other themes before SOOCD but I didn’t so I worry that it’s not really OCD and I never really know what to do.

So my bf wrote me a sweet paragraph and I’ve been having ocd bad for a few days (I’m on my period) and I feel guilty while reading it and get doubts if I love him and usually my brain will be like “ya I want to love him” but this time it’s not and I’m worried me wanting to love him is just Bc I feel bad to leave Bc he’s a good guy but I don’t feel that. And once in awhile my brain will be like “ya you love him” but it feels all real. Someone help

Please Help! After stopping Prozac I’m actually kind of scared. I stopped taking Prozac recently and I was on a very very low dose. And to be honest Prozac was actually helping me a lot with my anxiety. However I began feeling Apathetic after a while. So my Doctor told me to stop. BUT it’s been 5 days ever since I stopped and I think I’m having Withdrawal. My intrusive thoughts are coming in big time and I’m starting to feel scared, paranoid, depressed, and crazy. I think I’m getting new intrusive thoughts and I keep thinking what if my brain is talking to me and I’m developing schizophrenia or what if I go crazy and listen to the thoughts when I know they are not true. What should I do?

What’s the most pointless obsession you’ve ever had? Like anything that you feel most people don’t worry about, maybe not even other OCD people.

When you focus your attention on a specific task, your brain will keep throwing at you the same task over an over due to the reward system with which it operates. That's why when you make the focus of your life to get rid of anxiety, your brain will keep throwing more anxious scenarios to solve. Thus, people constantly locked on answering questions and getting rid of the anxiety are bound to undergo more of the same endlessly.

Does anyone feel like you have had so many crazy disgusting thoughts you aren’t even anxious anymore. You are almost bored or just irritated at them. Like why and I still thinking about this!!!

✋?TRIGGER WARNING!!! TRIGGER FOR HOCD!!! Today I my HOCD made me read some articles about the „coming out“ process and they said that the first step is the „confusion“ step, where you are confused and in denial and that this stage starts with the question „Am I really straight?“ and in one article they REALLY WROTE „it takes some people years to answer that question“ I‘m just freaking out!! I don‘t know what to do anymore! In that article they wrote that some people are shocked and scared to think that they are not gay and deny that they might be... I‘m almost crying, I feel so lost!!! ?

Anyone suffering from hocd ?

Scared of death? I am so terrified of dying or one of my loved ones dying. It depends on the situation and how stressed I am but it can range from me not flying, to me not driving long distance, It’s been extremely stormy recently and now my OCD has kicked in that one of us will get struck by lightening or it will struck a line near us and the house will catch on fire. For a while I’d leave the house and take my kids because I couldn’t handle hearing the thunder and seeing the lightening. I’m trying now to stay and face my fears with the storm at home right now and I’m loosing it. Crying, shaking, fidgeting.

How to accept uncertainty , can anyone throw some light on this , I'm freaking out