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the NOCD Community

Hey everyone. I’ve been doing okay today. But I’ve been on twitter today and I don’t know if anyone has seen this but there’s a lot of people that speculate Shawn Mendes suffers from SOOCD. So I started reading about it and there’s a lot of people just laughing about it or saying he’s homophobic or closeted and it’s really stressing me out. I know I’ve said it a million times but it feels too real to be a ‘mental disorder’. How on earth can this be OCD and not just a sexual identity crisis?

TW!! If you have Pure O, for your own good, please don’t read my post. Just searched up "intrusive thoughts/images" on french websites and they said that they’re all connected to hidden desires. We’re back at square one lol I don’t know if I can live with myself if it is true and seeing my psychologist scares me even more.

I have been in a relationship for 3 years, almost 4 now, and I hate my intrusive thoughts. I have always had them since the relationship began, and now we have been making decisions like signing leases and planning vacations since we moved for college. I hate having the intrusive thoughts, I constantly worry that we will break up. Every time there’s a small argument I shut down because I’m just waiting for him to tell me it’s over. I don’t know why I get these thoughts, we are in such a good relationship, and he is the closest person I have ever had to me, we are best friends. Every time I think of the future he is always in it no matter what, our families love both of us, and we never even have big arguments. I will shut down though and blame it on him and then get depressed, and he feels guilty so he will try to make me happy and I ignore it just because I want to see how far he’ll go. It sucks, I hate being like that, I hate having constant thoughts that he doesn’t love me when he has never proven otherwise. When we sign leases I make up excuses so that we only sign the shortest lease possible because I’m scared we will break up in the time being. I don’t ever want to plan vacations because I’m scared we will break up before that time comes. I constantly think about how if he breaks up with me what all I will take (money, car, etc.) and how I can do it the fastest so I can be gone in seconds. I love him so much though, and the thought of even being without him kills me. But i’m so scared of the future, and the thoughts make it where we don’t have that many happy times anymore and we can’t enjoy things because I just get so moody from the thoughts and have these accusations in my head that aren’t even real. I do the same thing with my religious views, I constantly try to question God and whether he’s real, and I get so angry at myself. That’s how I’ve come to realize lately that my thoughts don’t need to control my life, because I believe in God with all my heart and still have thoughts like that. I try to not believe my thought, but it’s so hard to push the thoughts out, and I go spiraling. It doesn’t help that I’ve also been diagnosed with ADHD so I will push them out finally and 10 minutes I will be spiraling again and I forget that I was trying to push them out until I’ve already upset myself.

Hey! I’m a POCD sufferer and I was wondering if anyone who is doing ERP has any good suggestions for exposure heirarchies that I could take inspiration from? I’m starting CBT soon but I can only get it in a group and I don’t feel super comfortable talking about the details of POCD yet cos it feels really embarrassing. So far I’ve thought of going to the pool/park, or writing down my thoughts and looking at them, but my OCD really goes wild if I try to masturbate or if I feel aroused at all...at the moment I’m avoiding anything like that because it’s so distressing, but is that something I should do exposures for in the future?

Hey guys— I’m new to this. I’m not exactly diagnosed with OCD , but i do have severe anxiety. I first started counting my steps obsessively when I was young, very young actually. Then I began picking at scabs on my head and obsessing over dandruff flakes. My heart is racing just thinking about these...I did that as my anxiety worsened as I grew into my teen years. I picked at scabs on my body and then began to hate the scarring so was somehow able to stop. The picking was so bad my mom always told me , “Hands on your knees!” but then we laughed as we realized there’s stuff for me to pick at on my knees and legs as well. I just recently began to pick at my head again. My solution to that? acrylic nails!!! but then I began using tweezers and finding other ways to pick at them. I can no longer afford nor bring myself to get a refill every two weeks and i hate the glue on ones you get at a drug store. About three years ago I began plucking. OBSESSIVELY. When i feel a slight hair on my leg, my immediate urge is to pluck. I cant fight the urge. I have nasty scars and several ingrown hairs and it sucks because i’m very insecure about them...but i can not bring myself to stop. There’s been times where i’ve had to flip my room inside out just to find my tweezers and if i couldn’t, id freak out. I’d knock on my dads door and ask for his tweezers. Oh that’s right , i borrowed yours and don’t know where they went. Go to my grandmothers room, ugh these don’t get the grip i want. Oh well, i’ll go to cvs or walmart and get a new pair. but. it. HAS. to. be. now. NOW. otherwise I freak out. I recently downloaded this app and i’ve been doing good when i’m in public, i set the timer, do my thing, keep up with my anxiety level, but i often find that when i’m plucking , picking, or popping, i realize in my head ugh let me do the app but i can’t bring myself to do it! I just can’t guys. I feel disgusted with myself, I honestly didn’t even start bringing this up to anyone unless it was close friends until the last week. It’s been hard. It’s obsessive, it’s taken up my life for the past 3 years. I have calluses on my fingers from the tweezers and i’ve done it for hours and hours at a time, arched over, my phone plugged in and the flash light shining. I cant stop guys. i need some serious help that doesn’t require cold turkey. just thinking and typing about all of this is killing me. my heart is racing , my feet are rubbing together , and ughhh!!!! any advice???Does anyone else have a similar issue?!!?

So I posted before about feeling great and now I don’t again. Ironic. I’ve had this thought a million times but I can’t stop thinking why would I think and worry about this everyday for nearly 5 years if it wasn’t true? Sometimes I am shocked at the amount of time wasted because it doesn’t feel like 5 years but they’ve went by almost without me noticing. Probably not in for a good night

Please help I am a teenage girl diagnosed with OCD (pure O-HOCD) but recently I’ve been experiencing unrelenting doubt that it may not be HOCD and I may actually be a lesbian/bisexual. I am writing to get an opinion off of fellow sufferers to see if this sounds like OCD to you or just plain denial. Until these thoughts started I don’t remember doubting my sexuality or even thinking about it I always just assumed I was straight. I have had 5 major crushes on boys throughout my teenage years and that is all I have paid attention to. I was obsessed with them and would cry all the time because they either didn’t like me back or broke my heart. I was obsessed with Big Time Rush and One Direction when I was like 8-12 years old. I used to have hundreds of posters of Kendall and Harry and would imagine marrying them and having kids. This is all I wanted. However when it came to normal real life boys I didn’t see the craze. When I was 12 me and my friends would go to discos and all they wanted to do was to kiss boys. I didn’t see why to me it seemed disgusting I just wanted to go home and watch One Direction videos. One night when I was 12 years old during summer time (July) I was lying awake in bed and suddenly this thought just popped into my head “what if you don’t want to kiss boys because you’re gay?” I got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach I was terrified. I had never had a problem with lesbians I just didn’t share there values and didn’t think of myself as the same as them. This thought stayed in my head for about two months before going away because my anxiety started focusing on health OCD (I began having obsessions I had lung cancer and was going to die. ) Another reason the thoughts went away in 2014 was because I developed a huge crush on this guy on my road. He was 3 years older than me but I thought he was so cute and he dressed so alternative like me and I loved it. Over the years the thoughts came and went but I never really focused on them. I kissed 3 boys but never anyone I knew/really fancied so it kind of meant nothing to me. I had short relationships with boys. One boy asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. I thought I fancied him but immediately when I got home I got a disgusting panicky feeling in my stomach that I didn’t really like him and I had the urge to break up with him. I was in a 2 month not very serious relationship with the only boy I think I’ve ever loved last year. He broke my heart badly and it took my ages to recover. However the thoughts returned last summer and since then I’ve had them non-stop for the last year and they’ve been so much worse since I had them in 2014 when I was 12. I started thinking back to my childhood for signs. When I was 11 or 12 I used to be fascinated with looking at sports illustrated covers or girls in lingerie on Instagram. I remember getting some sort of arousal because I felt like what I was doing was forbidden and sexual. However I have no recollection of looking at the girls faces or wanting to kiss them, be with them, take care of them etc. Is this how lesbians feel? During my younger years I was also always that friend who was very possessive of my best friend. I admired girls in my school a lot and really wanted to be there friend if they were super pretty or popular. If they gave me attention or wanted to be my friend I would get this warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach however I never once wanted to kiss them, be with them, etc. This still sometimes happens today. When my intrusive thoughts came back I looked into my childhood memories and started thinking this was actually attraction and how could I be so stupid for not noticing. However it terrified me and made me cry. I didn’t want to be attracted to girls but I felt like I always was and being a lesbian for me was inevitable. I went to therapy last year and have been admitted to hospital. I have been attending weekly sessions in hospital for the past year and have been diagnosed with OCD and intrusive thoughts. However OCD is the doubting disease and I feel like the doctors have messed up and I might in fact be gay :( I am always testing my attraction. I kiss random boys at concerts and don’t feel aroused so I panic. I get turned on when girls finger themselves in movies or do anything sexual. I don’t want to but I can’t help it. The male body doesn’t turn me on as much as the female. I don’t want to be in a lesbian relationship though and I fear I will be unhappy forever if I decide to live this way. I have lost all feelings and attraction for boys I once fancied, celebrities I loved, or boys I felt in love with. I have never been obsessed with female celebrities the way I have with male. All my friends are having sex, giving blow jobs, etc and it all feels scary and kind of gross to me. Help I just want these thoughts to go away!!! I would love honest opinions in the comments if you think I’m gay or is this HOCD because honestly I feel I need to move on in my life this has been going on a year non stop. What do you think??????

I know this may look like I'm seeling for reassurance but I've been getting intrusive thoughts since May after my ex bf broke up with me but over time, I've not been feeling anxious over the intrusive thoughts anymore like I'm almost comfortable with the thoughts... Is this normal? These thoughts are completely out of my character.

I don’t want this to sound like reassurance, I’m just not sure. I’m pretty new to this and not officially diagnosed yet. But please can I ask- I am constantly thinking about this everyday, from the minute I wake up until I go to sleep. It used to ease off but not so much anymore. It’s not so much the original rOCD thoughts anymore (although they’re still there, I’m struggling to find them, I’m just feeling more lost and sad) but I’m constantly questioning is this OCD, or ‘I don’t have that symptom so it can’t be’ or ‘these therapists just want your money, there is no such this as rOCD’. I’m feeling sort of sad really- and my brain is telling me it’s my relationship but there’s nothing wrong with my relationship. Is it normal to be thinking like this, all day every day- is that obsessing? (I know this sounds like a silly question but my brain is playing all sorts of games with me at the moment!)

Seeing so many post on POCD,HOCD,TOCD and others. Makes me feel so bad and realize how sick ocd can make us. It’s so sad honestly, breaks my heart. I just want this stop and we could just all heal. I’m personally afraid that hocd won’t ever stop. I feel like some days it’ll make me ruminate and other I’ll feel calmer but the question is still here. To awareness of it will still be there. I’ve have hocd for 5 months. Sometimes I truly think I’m lesbian. Others I’m just like “but I can’t be, I have feelings for boys and like doing sexual things with them” but I just keep going back and forth. Trying to look Into certain things I do and why I’m doing them. I’ve never developed feelings for a girl. I feel so guilty and bad to be going through this when I have a boyfriend. I feel like I’m doing him wrong. And it sucks so bad. I enjoy being with him I feel myself happy with him. Yet I still worry about this. Also, is there still anyone here with hocd? I haven’t seen many people on here. I’d like to get some advice or not feel alone I guess. Thank you.

People on ssri's: on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being most effective) how much do they help your ocd? Not anxiety or depression, just ocd.

Keep fearing that all the food at the house in which I babysit is poisoned. Sometimes I work up to 9 hours here without eating. Today I forgot to bring food with me, so I really forced myself to eat some of their snacks now I’m anxiously awaiting some kind of doom. How can I help this?

I woke up anxious I had a really disturbing dream about my friends and it terrified me and disgusts me. I woke up and felt wrong and I couldn’t really think of why I felt that way but now I remember what I dram. It’s really making me anxious. I feel this thing sneaking up on me, it only allowed me to feel better for 4 days. Can anyone just please help me? Give advice? Any facts?

Im so lost. I can’t find my carnal attraction like i used to. The one thing I am trying to be is true to myself. I keep watching porn to see if something, ANYTHING gay turns me on. And I never get excited. I just get anxious, a weird feeling, and i don’t like watching the “act”... I even try to will myself to like it but it just doesn’t pop up. But anything with a woman in it..boom I’m in the mood... But the doubt just creeps back in bc I’ll see a guy, say “oh he’s cute, could I do it with him?” Then I get anxious and say “that was a gay thought, you’re gay” but I just can’t prove it to myself I honestly do not care what I am at this point...I just want to be true and put the doubt behind me.... How do I do this? Someone please.

Does anyone feel like this isn’t rOCD and they’re just obsessing over OCD in the hope that it is when in fact it’s not? I can’t think about anything else other than this being the end of my relationship.

This Pocd has really made me think deeply throughout my life, how actual pedophiles must feel. I have a lot more compassion for NON ACTING pedophiles. All these disgusting and worry some thoughts that I deem as disgusting, that I over think, well pedophiles must get loads and loads of thoughts about how gross people would think they are etc, I feel sorry for non acting pedophiles. I'm ganna do a video on my YouTube channel about what I think about pedophiles. Why I don't judge non acting pedophiles, and why I judge acting ones. Think it will make for an interesting video.

Does anybody ever start to direct your violent and sexual thoughts onto those around you. Like looking at others and thinking what if they are a pedophile.what if they are gay.what if they hate their wife and kill them lol sounds funny saying it now but damn when it happens I get so much anxiety. On top of my hocd being bad all of a sudden lately I cant well feel anything.yesterday I realized that on the 22 of august it will be 8 years since I cuddled with or held anyone close.was a little hard to deal with honestly.have spent my youngest most attractive years alone with thoughts of murder rape paedophilia incest transgenderism being gay being a cannibal( honestly was my favorite one).i obsess over random peoples faces.i have had this one fat ladys face whom I never knew stuck in my head for 2 years now.fuck I dont even know her why do I keep thinking of her. But if you add all of that up along with severe self harm I can say I feel nothing.no kindness, no hope .reading other ocd stories does nothing for me.cant find any reassurance at all. Had liked this girl for 6 years and finally got to see her again like a month ago but once again my ocd makes me have such a bad vibe she hasnt hit me back up once. Sadly this is always the case though I dont think I ever liked the girl this much lol now my hocd is spiking and I cant stop hurting myself.dont want therapy dont want advice just wanna die.and honestly after 10 years of this shit I dont think that getting therapy will all of a sudden make me feel better and then the universe will be like good job buddy here you go heres your new life or heres a part of the old. Everybody I love.and were talking at least 20 people have all moved onto bigger and better things.all dont deal with this.they all have long term relationships or the nice house.or each other .fuck it world dont need me anyway it never has and never will!!!

Hi everyone, does anyone use xanax (Alprazolam to be exact) to reduce the anxiety OCD gives you? I’m diagnosed with generalised anxiety so I’m quite familiar with this treatment but it’s the first time I’m using it for something "different". I don’t know what to expect. I took one pill (0,25mg) this morning but it only helped a little bit so I was wondering if taking one more will help me a bit more or if it’s just pointless? Can’t see my therapist until september so that’s why I’m trying to medicate myself for now.

ive had this ' what if im trans' anxiety for such a long period i really feel like am genuinely questioning my gender, i feel really empty. im working with my cbt therapist and atleast thats a plus.

I am not really sure what I feel right now, I feel extremely disatached from my body 247 and nothing ever feels “real” to me. My therapist said it seems I’m suffering from “derealisation”. And it’s really scary because I constantly feel like I’m floating on a bubble and I’m not sure if one day I’m gonna wake up and feel “normal” and “alive” or if I’m going to wake up and it’s all going to be one big dream and I’ll have absolutely nothing. I keep stressing that my partners going to leave me or somethings going to happen to him and I really don’t know why! He asks me why I’m so snappy and sad recently and I just do not know why. I just snap back and I’m terrified he’s going to leave me. I just don’t know why I can’t just let him in.. Things are really really difficult lately and I’ve been having some dark thoughts that I haven’t thought in a long time, I’m just absolutely so scared that I’m going to die and I can’t accept the fact that one day I’m going to die and my mum is and my partner etc etc ... but it keeps me up most nights, I can never just sit back and relax. I’m constantly on my feet doing things trying to distract my mind and it’s so so hard. I’m struggling a lot with my body image, fear of being poisoned & feeling as though people are watching and listening to me through my phone and that there’s stashed cameras in my house. My ocd is getting worse and I just don’t know what’s wrong with me but all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep for a little while and maybe wake up and feel somewhat a sense or normality. I’m such a mess.