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Anyone feel like they wake up one day and don’t feel the same anymore?

Hello everyone, It’s the first time I’m writing a post about my health condition. I’m suffering from OCD. I diagnosed about 17 years ago. It was extreme in the beginning as I didn’t know anything about it. So I went to many therapists, tried a lot of medications and it had it’s ups and downs. I am now 37 years old and the last years I take fluvoxamine and I believed I was in a good condition until 10 days ago. My main OCD intrusive thoughts were about harming myself or others and most importantly sexual thoughts. Some years ago - I really don’t remember how that started - a thought stuck into my mind that I might like men with circle beards. I know that I don’t like men and I have a girlfriend for almost 10 years now. Sometimes I also have this thought when I see someone: He is handsome, could I like him? And that causes lots of anxiety. Additionally I have an extreme anxiety about some specific numbers. So in some days from now I was about to start a new job but unfortunately the interview was on one of these dates causing me EXTREME anxiety. I tried to do every compulsion possible but it just wouldn’t work. I was worse every day, I wanted to sleep only as this was the only time that my mind wasn’t thinking. A total torture. I reached a point that I thought: I wish I die so this ends. I can’t take it anymore. To make this even worse, the father of my girlfriend had sometimes a beard like the one on my thought. So the last the worst thought was that I should avoid my girlfriend because she’s his daughter and I can’t have a relationship with her. I would be gay or something. How is it possible to think like this? I love my girlfriend so much, she’s my other half. Last days I tried to do ERP on my own, exposing myself to these fears. The first hour I felt I was free and then suddenly everything went a lot worse. So I don’t really know what to do, continue ERP or do compulsions so I would feel better? Obviously I can’t start work in a few days in this horrible condition as today I couldn’t get up from bed and I was only thinking: I want to die. I’ll be sad losing this good opportunity for work but losing my girlfriend from OCD as well will be unimaginable for me. I’m feeling hopeless right now. I’m sorry for my long post and I would like to thank everyone who reads it. I’m wishing all the best to everyone.

I had a panic attack last Friday and I've been feeling derealization since. This is not new for me. I've had DR feelings ranging from "what if everyone else is fake? What if it's all a dream? Or a hallucination? How do I know if my thoughts are my own? What even is autopilot if I'm on autopilot? Are good and evil made up concepts? What is our inner voice? How can we see things in our memories?" Now my mind has decided to try this on for size: "what if I'm making everything up? People and all? What if the things I read in articles or even on here are things I've made up just to reassure myself?" Someone replies "I've felt this before" I'll be like "of course you have because I'm making this all up." And that freaks me out. I have been challenging the thoughts like I am supposed to with "okay, sure fine. So you made it all up. Does that mean you can enjoy it? What if the opposite is true? How can you be so sure it's not? And if you did make it all up, why is it bothering you so much?" I also am trying to say that I felt fine Thursday, and I haven't had a panic attack/episode like this since last October (2022) and my brain says "yea but what if that's because you made it up?" And then the panic restarts.

Does anyone else have OCD surrounding their heart rate and blood pressure. I had a traumatic experience about a year and a half ago and ever since then I have been consumed with checking my heart rate because it would be high (120s up to 160s) that seems to come out of nowhere. Ex. If I didn't eat for a long period of time and consume a large carb meal I would have a heart rate into the 130s about half an hour after eating and then would panick and make it worse. This also led to me checking my blood pressure and have high readings ex (160/107) when I'm obsessing. When I am calm and not worrying excessively (which is not often these days) my pulse is normal and my blood pressure is ok. The compulsions to reassure myself are trying to prove that I am ok are overwhelming. If I check and my pulse and BP are ok I feel relaxed and a sigh of relief that only lasts a few hours or a day or so, but if they are high I freak out and feel like I am going to die and something is very wrong. I have had my heart checked extensively and other tests as well and yet I still have trouble shaking this feeling like there is something wrong they haven't been able to find or figure out. I am a RN and I swear it makes it worse because I'm terrified of every medical thing it "could be" or "what if". I just want my life back and stop worrying about my pulse and blood pressure every minute it feels like of everyday. Any suggestions, words of empathy or help would be greatly appreciated. I hope I am not the only one that has ever had these thought or feelings. 😭

Hi. I get a lot of anxiety driving. My ocd likes to make me think certain things happen when they didn’t. I was driving home from work and just leaving the parking lot. Someone walked in front of my car and I didn’t see immediately but they were far enough away for me to break. Literally like 2-3 parking spots away from me. They crossed the street. I didn’t hit them. But my anxiety is making me believe that I did. I even looked in my rear view mirror and saw them walking into the store to show myself that I didn’t hit anyone. Yet I still have this anxious feeling. I know for a fact I didn’t hit anyone. It’s like I have to try to convince my brain that I didn’t. I probably sound stupid.

how do i know if it’s a real thought or if it’s my ocd ?

I just threw up again and am so so tired now ... my doc told me to go for endoscopy test cuz she can't pin point why I've been throwing up since 5days

I can’t stop returning to actualized.org (Spiritual forum) I’ve been trying so hard to convince myself that this place is a cult for years, but my brain won’t stop latching onto the ideology that is constantly spread there about solipsism being the absolute truth. I’ve gotten stuck to death on so many things related to spirituality/new age/non duality shit for years, but this shit VASTLY takes the cake no contest. Panic, fear, confusion, dp/dr, never being able to trust my senses, never being able to function, always ruminating, fear of other people being illusory, fear of reality in general being an utter lie/delusion/fiction/hallucination/dream as so many of these fucking websites/accounts/channels constantly proselytize and assert as being the absolute fucking ultimate truth. There being no self, no other, no biology, time, space matter. Consciousness simply pretending/imagining that reality even exists. Oneness, individuality being a literal delusion. None of this is actually happening, other people being figments of consciousness. Pure fucking agony. I feel endlessly isolated damn near 24/7/365 because of all this shit. I abhor every fucking spiritual teacher. I hate the internet. I hate my brain. I hate everything. Fuck Leo Gura. Fuck teal swan. Fuck Rupert spira. Fuck mooji. Fuck Adyashanti. Fuck YouTube. Fuck google. Fuck Reddit. Fuck open individualism. Fuck all philosophy. It is so fucking hard for me to not feel like suicide is the only way out of this shit. I am shaking. It doesn’t matter how much effort I put into staying way from such shit online or in books, it doesn’t matter. Fuck the miserable pointless delusion called life.

I used to struggle with salvation OCD. While I haven't dealt with that in several years, I do struggle with other fears that may be OCD related? Mostly they have to do with vocation and wondering if I'm sinning by living in a nice house and working a regular job and not in a 3rd world country somewhere as a missionary. I recently decided to apply to graduate school but worry that it's sinful and selfish because I won't be serving other people or ministering in that capacity. I also have fears of God calling me to go somewhere I don't want to go....for instance, the other day I had a sudden and urgent feeling that God wanted me to move to LA to minister....I haven't stopped thinking about it and am terrified that He might ask me to move there. I don't want to at all. But then I feel ashamed and guilty for being unwilling. Could that be a form of religious OCD? Whenever I try to research Scrupulosity all I get are results relating to salvation OCD. I don't struggle with that so much anymore. But I do often wonder if these present fears are a subtype of the subtype. Does anybody else experience this? And what exposures are helpful?

I keep getting intrusive thoughts of the word "boyfriend" and intrusive thoughts of being in denial constantly... what do i do... 😞

I feel so lousy right now. A few of my family members aren’t speaking to me and my dad said it was because I didn’t go to any family functions the last few weeks. For one, I’m 39. I’m not 15. But also, I haven’t gone because I’ve been in such a mental health HOLE that I can’t be around groups of people right now. In any capacity. My family doesn’t believe in mental health issues at all, so explaining anything to them would be impossible. I’ve tried. They just think you’re weird and that they’ll catch it from you or something. I’ve reached out to my cousin and aunt twice now separately and apologized for not being able to see them while I’m in town. And neither one of them will respond to me. Makes me feel SO awful and that I should just unalive myself. People are so terrible and I hate feeling like I have no one in the world. 😭 I see people with incredible, supportive family and just can’t understand why I didn’t have that. Sometimes I really hate life. They treat me like a disease 😭

So I’ve had to stop ERP since November because of insurance BS, but will be picking it back up in January. I’m terrified and think it’s not going to help. I have health OCD and my distress levels are directly linked to physical symptoms, so until I have those symptoms checked out, I typically just stay in the worst distress I’ve ever felt… Would anyone want to share their experience with ERP? I think maybe if I hear some success stories I’ll feel better about my appt next week. Thanks everyone.

Ok so I'm just wondering if the compulsions are what's making this worse? The checking and need for certainty? I get groinals alot especially when triggered and it always makes me do a compulsion because I don't want to feel it, it makes me so I comfortable. I got no desire for sex with a man neither have I ever wanted it or had a crush on a guy but ever since this I'm so triggered by any gay feminine looking man. All my relationships since I was 16 has been ruined because of this I always had crushes on women, always loved women and fantasies about them all the time I only wanted women not men I respected others sexualities since I'm not homophobic but me myself I wanted to be with a woman that's my preference but if that's true why do I feel things below when I check porn? Why do I get false urges that cause me distress? How do I stop this it's been years and I'm still not willing to give up fighting I'm still holding hope that one day I can be happy with my girlfriend I love her so much and I feel like I need to breakup when I deal with this ): I hate it so fucking much I'm alwaus so happy when i feel straight and don't have these doubts. I'm happy admiring men and finding them handsome time to time but sex and romantic stuff I don't want win men its not desirable for me it wouldn't make me happy I want those things with my girlfriend ): pls someone help I need advice I got no one to talk to and it's getting bad again.

I have a really hard time with harm ocd. It makes me believe that I would do in the near future surely something bad… And I don’t know what to do to make me feel better. I started to sit with uncertainty and accept the presence of my thoughts but it feels like I accept the content. I’m desperate, I think that I’ll suffer all my life with that. I know that there are ups and downs but those downs are really scary, demotivating, unhopeful.

I'm constantly worrying about my health because of a regret I had one day along with other health concerns that I have. Though I can't stop actively worrying about this one concern that I have because I get thoughts that say I'm going to die because of it one day. The only way I can get rid of it is if I Google for something that will eventually give me short term relief. But sometimes, I run into very very unsettling, disturbing, unwanted results that trigger my POCD and it makes me not want to do the compulsion and I end up feeling worse than before. I hate when this happens.

I have religious OCD as well as other themes one thing that has been bothering me is woth my intrusive thoughts I have them about people I love my mind will blurt thoughts put like God can (take) someone I love and other things worded different like this and it freaks me out and the only way I can calm down is I have to say out loud I'll never mean those thoughts or i rebuke those thoughts and I am terrified that if I don't say that i don't mean those thoughts that God will make those thoughts come true and take someone I love and if i dont say it out loud that i dont mean those thought that god will beleive it when my mind says he can take someone i love and so since I'm scared I have those all day every day so I'm constantly saying I don't mean the thoughts just so God knows i don't mean them and also I try to tell myself God will know they ain't true if I don't say outloud that i don't mean them but then my mind is lime well of you don't say it out loud then what if you really do mean the thoughts and "you really do mean the thoughts so say outloud that you don't so God won't make the thoughts come true" and it's so terrifying i literally pray every night and ask God to never make my thoughts come true but I'm so scared he will still believe my thoughts one day and make them come true and or punish me for anything really and make the thoughts come true so what I'm asking is does anyone know if God would ever take someone you love if you mind asked and said for him to because my mind blurts those thoughts like that and and I try keeping my mind from finishing those thoughts but they keeps happening and I get scared also that I'll truly mean it when I think for him to take someone i love and then get scared he will from me truly meaning it when my mind thinks it like it's got me freaking out and has been going on for few years now that same thing over and over i just woukd love to know for sure God won't ever take anyone because my mind said to even if my mind meant it I just want to know meaning it or not would like to know God would never take anyone for my mind saying to or wanting him to And the way I woreded that I don't want him to but my mind is like what if one day you do want him to i know that's OCD but I just wanted to clarify that God wouldn't take someone from you if you said to him he could wether your truly meant it or not that God wouldn't do that I just need help on this and no one with OCD doesn't understand

Does anyone ever think they’re doing good and than life gets incredibly stressful and their OCD kind of gets out of control? The last year I’ve done really good with keeping my OCD in check. Of course it never fully goes away but I manage my intrusive thoughts well and have felt pretty good but life has gotten really stressful for my fiancé and I and things with my kids has also been stressful and for the past two weeks I feel like I’m losing my mind all over again. I have panic attacks and problems sleeping. I watched a scary movie with my fiancé which I usually love to do but now I’m stressed and anxious thinking I could be a schizophrenic and that I’m losing my mind and am gonna go crazy. I know these thoughts are irrational but then there’s always that part of my brain that’s like “are you sure?!” Which makes me spiral all over again. Idk I just feel so defeated because things were good and now they’re not.

Does it help or make your ocd worse?

TW - religious and social issues I'm just venting. Besides, people won't understand, so I'm not asking anyone to read, but if you wish to I won't stop you. Don't try to understand too hard, because again, you probably won't. (Nobody has in the last few years) I just don't know what to do. Every time I bring up a few particular things I'm upset about -- things that are more than simply OCD (which is a pain to try to talk about when you have OCD) -- people try to disagree with me; and sure there's no problem in disagreement, but they bring it up every time I talk about it without fail and it's so frustrating, especially since they don't seem to understand why I'm really bringing it up or what I'm trying to say and they keep talking about it as if they understand. Then people are hypocrital about it, arguing against me, but when we aren't talking about it I hear them and others say all the time the exact same thing I'm upset about. It's so frustrating! And I don't really feel like they understand me or want to listen to me. It's gotten to the point that whenever I journal about it or pray about it or even just think about it, my mind automatically assumes the defensive position and makes my thought process be as if I was arguing about it and trying to explain what I'm saying, I guess because nobody listens. This has been an absolute nightmare, I can't find any way to explain it, and people don't seem to want to hear the explanation anyway, on top of the fact that these things are soul-crushingly depressing. On top of that, these are really obscure feelings and thoughts that I really feel like I'm the only one to have. (Nobody, not even others with OCD, have seemed to understand them.) The only solution I can really see is to just keep it to myself. I've learned more about it when I stopped talking to people than when I was. And hearing people suggest that "talking about your feelings is the right way to go" doesn't help. And I often feel like maybe I'm ALL WRONG about how I feel others are reacting, but every time I see the same pattern and then it just comes right back to me.

I feel like I’ve lost myself completely. I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore. This disorder is making me feel like I’ve lost everything.