im not sure if this classifies as ocd, but im gonna say it anyway. i won’t say anything about my ocd (in this case, pure o) in this situation until a few paragraphs in since this requires a lot of context, so be patient, please.
a friend of mine told me at a sleepover last night that she has did, dissociative identity disorder. she, or they, have several alters, six or seven i think. she/they are nonviolent and each are unique, and whenever an alter fronts it’s never problematic or scary— if anything, it’s fascinating to talk to someone completely different then the person you see in front of you, especially if the alter is much different then the host or if the host isn’t even present.
did, most of the time, buds from severe childhood trauma. the brain conjures up trauma-holding alternate personalities along with hallucinations to cope with it. i recommend watching this video to get a better understanding of did, if you’re willing to watch at least five minutes: https://youtu.be/ZxVzXLVn_oE
anyways, i was told by the host alter, the friend i personally have known all this time, that her alters have met me. and, while i was at her house, the host alter was dormant for a while. “luka”, one of the alters, (take a shot every time i day the word “alter,” haha) fronted my friend’s body. i showed them a drawing im working on for the host’s birthday, and when the host fronted once more, the thing she’d seen with her own body’s eyes wasn’t remembered. i was fascinated. it was a peaceful and positive exchange, talking to them.
here’s where i talk about the pure o (?) i experienced:
i was scared when i found out. i kept my head, i was supportive on the outside, and i can’t stress enough that each interaction was positive and enlightening, but i was scared. an alter called a persecutor was mentioned, (an alter the brain conjures in an image of the abuser that belittles the host) and after i was told, my friend mentioned that the persecutor was angry that she’d told me. all sorts of ocd pattern (?) intrusive thoughts happened, i felt feverish, the cheap neurotypical idea of did manifested my ocd. i feared rape and murder, i feared that the alter would front my friends’ body and kill me. i didn’t sleep last night, i listened for the stairs, (my did friend slept upstairs, me and another friend that was at her house slept downstairs) and i can’t get it out of my head that something terrible will happen even though the host friend told me the persecutor likes me, as the other alters do.
im sorry this is so long, but i need advice. how do i cope with these thoughts? if anyone’s had similar experiences, could you tell me how to get over this stupid fear? thank you.
