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Does anyone have any tips when it comes to rumination and trying to figure out the answer in my head related to HOCD? It's literally all I think about all day every day. It feels like I'm just wasting my life in my head.

I wrote a post yesterday asking for help but nobody answered, im writing this one hopefully ill get help this time. I want a solution to this, im so sick of this, i cant spend time with my family anymore and cant even use my phone without constantly checking every setting to make sure its 100000% safe. Im so tired of thinking too much of bad things. Please please give me ways to not feel like this again, i cant eat, sleep, think about good things, and i cant even cry to let it out because i dont know how to cry it all out, i feel like its stuck inside and constantly playing bad games on my mind with the bad ideas. Please help me i cant do this anymore

This is probably going to be triggering for some of you who suffers from so-ocd, so I just want to clarify: it's MY experience, I'm not invalidating yours. I've experienced intrusive thoughts since I was like 10 y.o., some of them really scared me and made me afraid of my own brain. When I was 18/19 y.o, I started having a lot of doubts about my sexual orientation: I couldn't stop thinking about it, I became obsessed about the idea I could be bisexual and not straight as I thought. I made a research online and I found out about ocd: it all made sense. I was scared but also relieved to find an answer that made sense to all of that. I'm now 21: I spent years trying to find the right treatment. In November I got officially diagnosed with ocd, but my therapist didn't do erp. At the same time, I started dating a wonderful guy (my actual boyfriend). We had some very beautiful months, we did a lot of things together and I was really happy. However, I was also overwhelmed by anxiety, all the time. I experimented derealization very strongly. I still had some so-ocd thoughts, even if they started to reduce, then developed rocd and I also started to become obsessed about ocd itself. So I started to look out for a new therapist (I wanted to find someone who did ERP), and when I was on her office, telling her all my thoughts, I got so triggered... like, she said that "experimenting in a young age is good" and when I said that being with my boyfriend made me feel calm, she said "because you didn't have anxiety regarding your sexual orientation?", making me feel very guilty, like I was using him just to find relief. She eventually said what I was experiencing was likely ocd, but she triggered me anyway. I never returned to her, and a very difficult and strange period started. When I went out of that place, I was somehow convinced I was a lesbian: I thought "Well, it's not the answer you wanted, but there it is". I also watched videos on YouTube, read a lot of articles... and somehow started to think that was it. The scary and confusing thing was that I didn't have that invasive anxiety anymore. The sensation of derealization had already started decreasing, but since that day it almost disappeared. One week later I couldn't hold it together anymore, I cried with my boyfriend and told him all my doubts. I went home devasted, I missed him a lot, all that didn't seem to have sense: suddenly, I couldn't recall to my mind all the reasons I had previously thought about that made me a lesbian. We had a very difficult month, with a lot of ups and downs, we kinda broke up. Now, I've started a new therapy with a therapist I found thanks to the international ocd foundation. I finally found someone who is qualified, who told me I'm dealing with ocd, however... it really doesn't seem like ocd anymore. I ruminate about my sexual orientation and what should I do with my boyfriend all day long, but I don't have anxiety anymore. My heart beats faster sometimes, I'm sad, I cry, but that's it, I don't have that huge anxiety and big sense of urgency as before. The idea of being bisexual/lesbian doesn't even scare me anymore. On the contrary, I'm starting to be more anxious at the idea of staying with my boyfriend, even if before he was my safe place and I wanted to love him with all my heart. So... it wasn't ocd all this time? Or it was, but there is also something else going on? Should I take courage, break up with him, and try to solve these things out in a different way? Or it's another trick of ocd, and in the moment I'll break up, it will make me doubt everything once again?

Hey guys! Im new to this app but only because sadly ive been going through a new “theme”. But I wanted to post my success story for HOCD after seeing so many people on here going through it sadly. So here we go… I was 15 years old life was going amazing. Easy living, had just got a new girlfriend and so much in puppy love it was awesome. Fastfoward 3 months I woke up one morning in a panic I thought I was turning homosexual. It wasnt even a thought and nothing triggered it that I can remember it was just there. I obsessed about it and had no idea what was going on or why. I remember texting my bestfriend “hey man have you ever just lost feelings or attraction to girls out of nowhere”? Not knowing at the time this was a compulsion. Then I fell into the good ol google. First thing I searched and ill never forget “why is my mind trying to make me gay?” and the first thing that popped up with was a support group for HOCD. If I hadnt of found that I would probably of lost my mind…. But knowing now I wish I never did because I was on it 24/7 everyday reading and getting reassurance just to feel better for 5 minutes. So after struggling and coming go conclusion of what I thought I had I pulled my parents aside and asked for help. Crying to them and telling them I needed help because my mind was spiraling. Keep in mind I grew up in a Christian background and southern roots. I told them “My mind is making me think im gay and i dont know what to do. I think I have something called HOCD but I dont know.” My mom insisted it was adolescence and hormones and I was just “confused”. I wanted to go to therapy but I didnt know how to ask. I thought if I could just get on medicene that would make me happy this would all go away but I never had the chance to. My tutor at the time was a church pastor and my mom mentioned to her what I was going through and she recommended having me sit down with a conversion therapist. Can you imagine how much distress that gave me? But at the time I said okay if this will make it better… But we never went through with this. Im just here to say I dealt with this for 3 years with no therapy and no medication. I noticed guys everywhere I went.. On tv, in the streets. I couldnt even look at myself in the mirror sometimes because I was afraid I may look gay(this is not a homophobic post i have many gay friends now). Now to the concurred part. I now have a beautiful wife, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 turtles and im not worried about it. Funny thing to me that always seems to happen with OCD/pure o is I can remember the day and the time it started but I cannot remember when it stopped. Im not sure if you get used to it or become numb to the feelings. But for everyone out there dealing with this their is hope. I would advise getting therapy and opening up to loved ones even if you are scared. Theres light at the end of the tunnel and it may seem like living hell now but I promise you will have a happy life. Sorry for this crazy long post! Love to you all and stay strong!

Hello. This is my first post and it’s going to be a confession of sorts… I was recently diagnosed with OCD and it has been really clarifying, scary, and confusing to navigate alone. I am also going through a lot of changes in my personal life. I recently graduated college and I am currently healing from a very difficult break up with my partner of 4 years. I don’t handle uncertainty or change very well so this period of my life has been super stressful and uncomfortable. My recent diagnosis and break up have taught me a lot about myself. I first realized I might have OCD because my mental health and— what I now know to be compulsions— became so destructive to my physical and emotional wellbeing that I actually began googling questions about repetitive self mutilation. The first result was something about the link between OCD and self harm. There were some examples of what compulsive self mutilation can look like, and it strongly resembled the things I have struggled with my entire life. For me, self mutilation is the compulsion I struggle with most. At times it has been incredibly debilitating. From there, I became obsessed with reading into OCD (I find this pretty ironic and funny). The more I research about it the more it resembles the things I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. I realized that the overwhelming guilt, shame, and anxiety I feel constantly are not the consequences of being a bad person, but rather the symptoms of OCD. It feels super validating to learn that the inner turmoil I’ve struggled with my entire life is something other people experience and is actually treatable. I started working with a psychiatrist who specializes in OCD and ended up getting formally diagnosed with moderate to severe OCD. Since learning this, I am beginning to understand myself in an entirely new light. It has in no way been easy. I hit rock bottom and— just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse — I hit an even lower rock bottom. I’m not saying this out of self pity or to try to fish for sympathy, I’m just hoping that I can make someone struggling with a recent diagnosis feel less alone. I have felt very alone in this journey even as I learn that many people struggle with similar things. I still have a lot of learning and growing to do, but I am actively seeking treatment and I’m doing what I can to manage my OCD. I’m really grateful for this platform and I am relieved to know that things can actually get better. I think the next step for me is to start ERP therapy, but right now that sounds really scary and exhausting. Even so, I’m quickly warming up to this form of treatment as I research about its effectiveness. Everyday I discover more ways my life has been impacted by OCD. It’s very painful to realize that the overwhelming shame I feel about my obsessions and compulsions has actually been the reason I’ve lived the first 23 years of my life undiagnosed. My diagnosis has also shed new light on my past relationship and has helped me sort through some of my emotions in this healing process. … To anybody who actually read this whole thing: thank you. If nobody read it then at least I got this off my chest. I would really appreciate any advice on navigating a recent diagnosis and seeking treatment.

It feels like my OCD is determined to steal everything I love. It’s so exhausting to have to fight myself all the time.

Hello community, I am struggling with a wash of lightning speed intrusive thoughts that occur when I have to interact and before I interact with people- mostly that I care about. Thoughts like- everyone wants me to be good, I am not good enough, I must perform, I can’t relax around people, I can’t be me because I am bad, I can’t trust myself to be good and liked, I must be more like my sister ect. It causes me to become hyper aware of my mouth and the sound of my words, I feel like I end up holding a wall up over me, I feel like I don’t even know who I am or how I would wanna be because the thoughts overwhelm me. Does anyone else experience this type of thing? And what has helped you? I can’t afford OCD therapy but I am so fed up of feeling so alone and hiding in my body. Thanks for reading

Did anyone else have one POCD thought which then makes everything so sexual, everything you look at in life…people, children, animals, objects like anything and everything. I was normal before this 1 thought and now it’s ruined my life, making me believe I don’t want to be here anymore.

So last night a massive argument broke out with my ex and my sister, he apparently called her a cunt and I just would not stand for it. I don’t care who you’re seeing now, what issue you have with me or how we ended but you don’t not call my family a cunt. He was adamant he didn’t but everyone heard it so the fact is you did, I didn’t but I believe my sister. I then said we needed a chat as for the last 2 weeks after the final goodbye yes at this point we were single, he got with his female friend, this is the second time a guy has left me for his female friend, and he’s been flaunting her around making out with her In front of me for the whole 2 weeks of my healing journey and it’s not been fun. So I told him aside and I jusr said like your behaviour towards my sister was not okay, we had no issues but now we do. For a year he lead me on saying he was gonna ask me out and we became exclusive but he never wanted to come out with me, he never wanted to do things with me and he’s going everywhere with her doing loads of shit and I said look I’m hurt and you haven’t respected me in the slights, I’ve left you to it, I don’t care who you’re shagging but at least have the decency to not shove it in my face when I’m trying to get over you. And idk if I had any ground to stand on when saying that, I know we are both single and I have been leaving them to it, but apparently he was literally making out with her and looking in my direction to see if I was looking and knowing that like I feel so disrespected. I don’t wanna care Infact I find care who you’re with but I’m not feel like some sorta psycho, some sorta weirdo, like the entire town is gonna talk about me like I’m gonna be the freak who could t get over her ex when no that’s not it, this entire thing, even her with her ex, hadn’t been the most respectful situation, and yes you’re gonna kiss your new gf that’s fine, but leave me and my family out of it, I don’t care anymore. I already feel like the worst person in the world I always feel dreadful and I’m calling myself a thousand horrible names inside my head, but like I want to be left alone now. I don’t want to care about them anymore. My head is about to explode with a million different thoughts and I can’t stand it. I feel sick. I maybe shouldn’t have had the chat, but I’m a girl that was hurt in a relationship, so is this all normal to feel? Am I being stupid like I just don’t know

Im feeling so anxious cause of my pocd and real events ocd based on extremely horrible childhood mistakes... Here are the facts. - I made a severe horrible mistake of a sexual nature 3 times at the age of 13. - someone told me about what the mistake was and what it meant earlier in the week before the mistakes happened... - i had no idea what the mistake even was before I learned of it, much less ever do it.... - i had forgotten about being told about the mistake and what it meant, and the severe mistakes happened later in the following days... - it never happened again and I feel extremely guilty at the age of 22. I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭

Recently my ocd has been directly exasperating my health anxiety and it causes daily panic attacks. I’m tired of feeling like I’m dying every day when I know I’m physically healthy. Does anyone have any coping mechanisms for this?

I need to go to church tmrw but I feel like crap... ^^ Idk if this is OCD or not but I feel like I do not fit in my own skin no matter what I do :( Yeah basically I feel like sleeping forever idk :p

Hello! I have been dealing with postpartum ocd since right after having my first child in 2017. It started with worrying that someone would drop her. Then I was terrified of her getting sick. All of these symptoms could be shrugged off as being an overly protective new parent. I had my second child in 2019. I used an owlet device to help prevent sudden infant death (SIDS) in our baby. Turns out it did save her life, multiple times. The first time being the day we brought her home. We were told, after many tests and three days, those devices often just cause anxiety. I trusted my gut and continued to use the device which ultimately saved her life a second time when she stopped breathing again. We had to do cpr on her and she spent over a month in neo natal icu, come to find out she had severe central apnea. I feel like this experience reaffirmed my ocd tendencies. If I didn’t obsess over her health and be overly cautious she wouldn’t be here. The whole first year was her being on machines at home and oxygen. She was monitored constantly at home. Now she is a beautiful four year old. She’s strong and healthy and a normal kid. I however, am still a walking ball of dread and fear. I’m terrified of finding her blue in bed. Or even my oldest daughter blue in bed when there’s no reason at all to fear this. I’m terrified of “missing” something and them getting deathly ill. If one of them feels off or is tired my mind goes to “what if they have cancer and I’m missing something.” “What if they have a sinus infection and it turns into meningitis because someone is missing something.” “I am thinking this all the time because they ARE going to die and the universe is preparing me.” I don’t think other people can understand how debilitating this is. Constantly playing out every single scenario in your mind and preventing it from happening. It feels like I am trying to outrun fate every single day. The reality is “fate” is my obsession to keep my children alive when they ARE alive. I’m sorry to vent. I’m not really sure why I’m writing this. Maybe someone understands these feelings. The silver lining I guess is I love my children so much, my mind will solely exist to try and keep them safe. I know that they deserve a mom who lets them live this life outside of a bubble, to live not just to survive. I want so badly to be that for them.

Does anyone suffer from emerophobia? Currently doing exposure therapy and very triggered by it. And also very frustrated to that I’m not “cured” I have the compulsions to ask loved ones “do you think I’ll get sick?” And I need them to say “no”. Well my therapist wants them to say “it’s a possibility” and also tell myself that too. It’s hard. First few days was hard. I broke down a lot and had a ton of anxiety. After a week or so it got Easier. However I felt sick tonight after dinner idk if I was still hungry or anxious or what but I felt nauseous. I tried to tell myself “it’s ok it happens and just because I feel nauseous doesn’t mean I’ll get sick” I was ok but I just ain’t ok. I’m coping the ways I can, took my emergency medicine for anxiety and I’m just doing my coping skills. I’m frustrated because living like this is so draining. Not just the emetophobia but the ocd compulsions, the intrusive thoughts, the looping in your head…People don’t understand they think it’s just “oh I need my refrigerator organized” my house is a mess I can barely keep up with it because of this…. Half the time I’m scared that if I throw away something bad will happen. Resorting into clutter.. I can barely leave my house in the morning cuz I’m afraid my house will burn down, or my cats will get out of the house and I’ll never see them again. Resulting into me being late to work almost every morning. Terrified to go to bed because I’m worried I’ll wake up and get sick, I have to stay awake until a certain time and then it’s safe….😢 anyways I needed to just get this off my chest, and would like to see if anyone else experiences similar things.

Does anyone else have a combination of ADHD and OCD? If so, please let me know if you have unique experiences with the combination. I know it’s rare. I’m only diagnosed officially with ADHD but I’m pretty sure I have a mild form of OCD as well. Sometimes I think my OCD expresses itself as overcompensating for my ADHD forgetfulness , and I can’t always tell if I have obsessions or hyper-focusing and what the difference is between the two. Because whatever it is seems to waste lots of time and causes me a lot of anxiety.

I feel like I wanna self harm and I'm scared I'll do it due to me having an intense fear of pain :( Do yall have any substitutes for self harm? /genq

Why does it feel like I'm defending my intrusive thoughts whenever I compulsively search online? I know I'm not meant to and I'm sorry for that, but at times. It feels like I'm defending my thoughts especially when it feels like I like my thoughts even though I don't want to

Is it normal ? My boyfriend has rocd he used to not be able to look at girls but now he’s having a wank over my sister ?? Told him to stop it and he’s done it again after everything he’s put me through with this rocd which I know isn’t his fault but 3 years of hell and I have been expressing my mental health is bad last couple days and he goes and does that when I told him to not ever do it again am I in the wrong for being mad he keeps saying most boys would do it and he felt an urge to

How do you know you don’t like the thoughts you’re thinking or the images in your head that you are seeing? Is there a way to get proof for yourself so I know I’m a safe person.

So I have a quick story… About six months ago my boyfriend and I went to dinner. He was talking about a hang out with his friends that happened recently and his friends gf and her best friend were there. I come to find out all the times (at that time) he hung out with his friends, his friends gf and the best friend were there. For the sake of the story let’s call his friends gf Carly and the friend we’ll call Sam (I know so original). So naturally I was upset that he was telling me for weeks it was just his friends when carly and sam were also there. A month later about we go to carly’s birthday party. I met sam. She was going on about how funny my boyfriend is, he’s so good at golf, he’s so funny. I was uncomfortable. Then a couple weeks later we go bowling with his friends and I was told just carly was going to be there because it was just a couples night. I get tapped on the shoulder and it was sam. My bfs friends were yes-ing me up and down saying they had no idea she was coming and it was a shock. The NEXT day, one of my boyfriend’s friends called him and said “yeah we knew she was coming, we didn’t think it was a big deal.” Since then, it’s been hard to move on and forgive them. I have spoken to them and sam about what I felt and basically was told that I’m crazy and toxic and they resent me. The point of this is I TRY AND CONTROL EVERYTHING. IT IS KILLING MY RELATIONSHIPS AND MY LIVELIHOOD. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t be around his friends because they hate me, I can’t go into public because they’ll see me and talk shit about me, I can’t do anything. I can’t even post a story on my instagram without feeling like they’re watching and judging me. I don’t know how to feel or act. I’m upset I can’t control anything and it can’t go the way I want and feel it needs to go. I need help. Or advice.