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Mental Disorders have ruined my entire life... It's just over... Don't know where to vent anymore...

guys im feeling a lot of anxiety right now and l'm very scared. I was searching on reddit on how to disable automatic download for stickers, and while I was in there I found a thread about someone issuing the problem of telegram automatically downloading all media like stickers, images, videos, gifs in the gallery. This activated a horrible trigger in me because I have this horrible memory of someone in telegram sending out of nowhere an explicit illegal **** gif in a groupchat related to minecraft, then I think he deleted afterwards, but I'm not sure if that changed anything. It traumatized me but I had forgotten quickly because I was so young, I was around 13 or less. Now that I developed pocd for a while I started remembering all the past including this, and it triggers me more than anything because it's something real that happened and I can't tolerate it being a part of my memory, that it's something "saved" in my brain" and the fact my eyes saw something like that even though it wasn't my fault makes me feel complicit. Now l'm stressing because "what if my phone automatically downloaded that gif in my gallery without me knowing?" l've already searched on my phone and the previous one and I found nothing, but that it's because they are not the phones that I had when that thing happened. I actually don't know what phone I used. I'm panicking, The old phone doesn't charge, the other one that I think was around that time is not here anymore and I should ask my father but I can't talk to him anymore because he discovered my self harm scars and is abroad. This is not anymore a matter of sitting through distress and letting uncertainty be, this is something that could be real and destroy me. I can't live like this, I have to know for sure that there is nothing like that in my galleries I don't know what to do. I wonder why that dude had to sent something so horrible and ruin my life. I can't practice erp with something like this, and I can't continue living with the uncertainty that there could be something illegal downloaded without my consent in my old phones. I don't know what to do. Yersterday was also very triggering, and now today. I also have to study for a difficult test tomorrow, everything is against me. I don't know what to do. I've been dealing with ocd all of these years alone but everytime I make a step forward ocd sets me back two before. Please help me deal with this situation Somebody.

What advice would you give for someone struggling with religious and relationship ocd? Thank you guys for being here and I’m glad i have a community i can confide in!

guys i'm feeling a lot of anxiety right now and I'm very scared. I was searching on reddit on how to disable automatic download for stickers, and while I was in there I found a thread about someone issuing the problem of telegram automatically downloading all media like stickers, images, videos, gifs in the gallery. This activated a horrible trigger in me because I have this horrible memory of someone in telegram sending out of nowhere an explicit illegal **** gif in a groupchat related to minecraft. It traumatized me but I had forgotten quickly because I was so young, I was around 13 or less. Now that I developed pocd for a while I started remembering all the past including this, and it triggers me more than anything because it's something real that happened and I can't tolerate it being a part of my memory, that it's something "saved" in my brain" and the fact my eyes saw something like that even though it wasn't my fault makes me feel complicit. Now I'm stressing because "what if my phone automatically downloaded that gif in my gallery without me knowing?" I've already searched on my phone and the previous one and I found nothing, but that it's because they are not the phones that I had when that thing happened. I actually don't know what phone I used. I'm panicking. The old phone doesn't charge, the other one that I think was around that time is not here anymore and I should ask my father but I can't talk to him anymore because he discovered my self harm scars and is abroad. This is not anymore a matter of sitting through distress and letting uncertainty be, this is something that could be real and destroy me. I can't live like this. I have to know for sure that there is nothing like that in my galleries. I don't know what to do. I wonder why that dude had to sent something so horrible and ruin my life. I can't practice erp with something like this, and I can't continue living with the uncertainty that there could be something illegal downloaded without my consent in my old phones. I don't know what to do. Yersterday was also very triggering, and now today. I also have to study for a difficult test tomorrow, everything is against me. I don't know what to do. I've been dealing with ocd all of these years alone but everytime I make a step forward ocd sets me back two before. Please help me deal with this situation. Somebody.

I feel like everything in life is just piling up on me and I'm just inches away from just breaking down. Ugh

For the past fee days my ocd has fixated on my boyfriend losing one condom i cant get over it Then a few things he said im over thinking now I was drunk (for context) He then asked me to check if his brother replied on whatsapp and my intrusive thoughts got the better of me and i checked his archived messages i didn’t look properly because i felt bad so i just came out of it- but now i just feel like a horrible human. I dont want to be someone who doesnt trust their boyfriend i feel like ive abused his trust Anyone got any advice here

Is it weird I been thinking about my therapist every single day waiting till my next session just for me to be able to Vent and express myself . I be feeling weird I think of her because I wanna talk to her .. I don’t really got anybody to talk too but if I do they maybe listening but they not understanding me … Is it weird me not feeling understood makes me feel lonely .

Does anyone else get thoughts that just seem evil? I love God & Jesus so much but recently I’ve been having Satan thoughts, devil thoughts and they bother me! Like selling soul, worshipping the enemy, enemy thoughts, thoughts about your heart and stuff. Literally blasphemous thoughts! It bugs me so much and makes me want to cry. I’ve had some thoughts like these before but recently they have gotten so much worse. Please has anyone gone through this? I pray God & Jesus stay with me!

Hi guys, I have recently discovered my OCD and it’s specifically about religion. Recently, I have been upset with God because I haven’t understood why I have these struggles (even though logically I can understand that everyone has different struggles). As a response to this anger and frustration, I’ve gotten some REALLY bad thoughts that go directly against God and that are really hateful to Him. Even though I’m mad I don’t want these thoughts, but I am really struggling to get them under control. I can’t tell whether these thoughts are actually how I feel or not because they are SO extreme. Like how do I process anger without being hateful towards God? Why are these horrible thoughts popping up? If anyone has any advice please let me know. Thank you so much.

Currently really struggling. I was triggered by a video that talked about how any kind of abuse in a relationship means the relationship should be terminated, no ifs, ands, or butts. I’ve been with my gf since I was 16 and she was 18. I grew up with some really poor role models and examples of how you’re supposed to treat a partner (parents were verbally abusive to each other, passive aggressive, etc.). I’m not saying this is the reason I’m so messed up (and a terrible girlfriend), but I think it’s a contributing factor. I’ve acted in a lot of stupid, unacceptable ways during our almost 9 year relationship. I get better every year, but there are still things from only a couple years ago that I’ve done that haunt me. She always forgives me and I always use these regrets as a learning experience and do everything I can to not repeat them, but I fear the actions are too bad to be worked through. I fear she only forgives me because I’ve given her Stockholm syndrome or something. I won’t go into every event here because there are too many, but I will say the one that is closest to the front of my mind right now. My girlfriend is trans, and it’s been a few years since she first told me she was questioning this. I was initially super supportive and she started therapy to dive into these feelings. One evening, she was doing teletherapy and in an impulsive, intoxicated state, I did one of the worst things imaginable. I listened to part of her session through the door. And not for one second, but several minutes. I don’t even know exactly how long. I heard her tell her therapist that she was sure that she was trans, and I basically freaked out. When she came out of her session, I had the gall to ask her about how sure she was she was trans and she confirmed to me she was certain. Cue huge wave of anxiety. Very shortly after, I confessed to her what I’d done and what I heard. She was upset, but not nearly as upset as she ought to be. I was immediately full of remorse, shame, and self hatred over what I did. I ended up self harming. It was out of self hatred, but I accidentally took it further than I intended to and ended up confessing this to her as well because I was freaking out. All in all, one of the worst evenings of my life. My girlfriend has forgiven me, but I’m terrified that she shouldn’t, that forgiving me isn’t good for her. It doesn’t bother her anymore, and she wants me to move on. And this is just one of the million actual seriously horrible real events that I have committed. I know it isn’t really OCD related, but I struggle not to bring this up, obsess, and compulsively apologize to her every time this resurfaces. I think I’m an abuser and it makes me sick. I love this girl, she has been my everything for almost 9 years. But I have done so many sickening things that make me unworthy of her. I feel like it doesn’t matter how much I change, I will never deserve her. She still shows me an incredible amount of love and empathy despite everything I’ve done, and I’m so worried for her. I just do the wrong thing at every possible turn, and I’m so sick of myself. I want to be with her more than anything in the world, but according to Reddit, the best thing I could do for her would be to rid her of me. I was an abusive, betraying, narcissistic, manipulative POS. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fix it, and I am so scared because she still wants to spend her life with me. I just want to be worthy of that, but I’ve fucked up too many times. Rant over. Sorry if this doesn’t have much to do with OCD. Im sorry if I upset anyone here. I’m trying my best not to google scenarios like this and read every comment. Again.

So, I really need to talk to someone, because I'm beginning to believe that this isn't OCD anymore. Anytime I'm reminded that my intrusive thoughts or feelings are apart of a disorder, I feel sad or disappointed because it feels like there's a part of me actually wanting to act on my thoughts. Anytime I look for reassurance of any kind, it feels like I'm trying to defend my thoughts. Anytime someone tries to tell me that it's OCD or that, "I am not my thoughts." I become upset or sad. Can someone please explain to me what is going on? Is it possible for there to be an intrusive feeling on top of an intrusive feeling?

Because of my other ocd things i haven’t been able to practice my sport-acrobatics in 3 months. i also have ocd and perfectionism related to acro. i’m still not even allowed to practice it until i get my other ocds under control. im sobbing and feeling incredibly sad and guilty right now.I have such a strong urge to just go outside and do it for hours like i used to because nobody can stop me then. can someone please help me

Just want to cut I’m with my boyfriend but feel alone and unwanted from arguing and the relationship feels confusing one minute I love him and the next I don’t wanna be with him

Hi friends, I may have figured something out. I’m not a doctor, I just play one in my own mind. 😆 Ok, we all know that OCD usually acts up under stress. This is a given. I would go as far as saying it comes in as almost a “defense mechanism” (an automatic one) whenever something is causing us anxiety or extra stress. Perhaps it is a distraction (?) I believe it is. What backs this up is if one OCD theme or game doesn’t hold your attention, your mind will try a different one to see if that one works. So then why does it like to come in and “ruin” the good times as well? You’re not under stress, you’re excited and happy, or doing something you really enjoy. Or looking forward to something. It comes in and ruins it. I think the OCD part can’t distinguish between “nervous-excited” and “happy-excited”. It just comes on in because it is an automatic defense mechanism, and it has no idea that the excitement it’s picking up on has nothing to do with anxiety. It just knows that part of your brain is all revved up. It does not know that you’re all excited because things are going well. This is why when you’re having a good time somewhere and you’ve ventured out of your comfort zone and you feel all proud of yourself.. guess what’s coming right around the corner.. 😵‍💫 Thoughts? No trigger warning. This ain’t scary. Just a theory.

I have like 3 doctor appointments and dentist and I m so anxious about it I want to go to find out what’s wrong with some symptoms I have at the same time I don’t want to go because I m scared of bad news I feel like I can’t handle bad news

constant intrusive thoughts, constant groinal responses. couldn’t even watch a video on TikTok of a toddler throwing a fit bc she opened her legs and immediately my pocd acted up. it gives me groinal responses, bad thoughts, and feelings of anxiety, fear , and shame. I hate this. How do I get through life like this? I can’t even imagine being a teacher or a parent, because the next thought that comes is images of me hurting children. thoughts of “ur a p, ur destined to be a p, ur gonna eventually end up hurting a kid” “ur only freaking out because u know u will be shunned” I hate this. The thoughts go into so much detail and feel so real. No matter what I say or do, it argues back and convinces me im a p. Everytime I see children, anywhere, I can’t stand it because of this. I’m scared to have kids out of fear I will hurt them and do something bad to them for my own pleasure. I feel like one day im just gonna snap and hurt kids. I can’t take this at all. It feels so real. I don’t know what to do. I am crying as I am writing this. The groinal responses feel like actual arousal. I feel so angry, and sad, at the world and myself. I am scared and I think I am actually a p, and instead should get help for that instead of ocd. I don’t know what else to do

I can't move past some trashbags. Somebody put it near the door. I try not to be near to the door while going so as not to touch it. But what if others touched it and then i get in touch with these people, then i will get contaminated. Ugh this so messed up. I fèel like even going near the trash will contaminate me and what if i have touched it. Why don't people just throw the trash right away. Why they put it there for hours. This is triggering my anxiety so high that i am freaked out. I am trying not to do the compulsions if i haven't touched it but the "what if" thoughts are killing me. What if i have touched it😭😭

this is a genuine question i have bc when i was younger and had no internet restriction me and my friend stumbled upon on it and ever since my life has kinda changed. and i feel like it’s altered my mind even though i had stopped thinking or watching it. a little girl shouldn’t have seen anything like that and that’s why i became addicted and it’s so unfair. can anyone relate?

This guy I’m friends with has this rumour spread about him recently, the thing is I can’t say if he did or didn’t do the thing he’s being accused of, nobody can, but it’s a rumour that could get very serious very soon. But the entire situation that is at hand is absolutely disgusting, and I hate that I’ve even been involved. The only reason I am is because my ex and his ex are sleeping together (2 weeks after saying he didn’t want a relationship and 3 days after she broke up with her boyfriend) and we became friends because we were at the pub at the same time we found out and both started crying together. Apparently she has been sleeping with her ex and trying to sleep with her ex still to this day, that’s what he has told me, even though she is now in another relationship, I haven’t see. The evidence except for some pictures he took at her flat with the date and time showing he was there (not incriminating pictures, would be of her hugging him on their bed, or her doing her hair, stuff like that) I can’t choose to believe it but if he’s telling me then I will, until proven different, have no other reason not to believe it. But then this rumour came out, this horrible horrible thing that if has happened then I hope nothing but that she’s okay and recovers from what’s happened, but if it’s a lie is a massively fucked up lie to tell people. How do I know to believe things or not? Because right now being his friend is making my brain tell me some absolutely horrible things about myself that I just can’t seem to move, that I’m siding with the guilty party, that I’m having rumours spread about me in hay, that everyone is talking about me, that I can’t be friends with him, that I’m disgusting and just as bad as the rumour is (if it’s true). It’s horrific like I don’t want to side with either of them, I’ve heard from a fact source that she’s done some horrible things to her last boyfriends that should not be excused, but now I’m hearing this like I just don’t know what to do. And it’s making me panic and stress and it’s taking over my entire life like I’ve been sat here for 2 hours unable to do anything else because it’s all I can think about. There’s nothing else in my head except this right now, that I can’t just get on with my life and if I find out that what someone has told me is a lie until that point I can’t seem to just leave it be. Until it is proven different should I not be allowed to just live my life? Because nothing is being done about this rumour on any side, hers or his, irs just sorta there. Which makes me think even more that it’s just not true, but u til proven different I choose to not belive nor not belive it and I just wanna live my life. If I’m told that someone lied I’ll hold my hands up and apologise, I’m only getting one side of a story, but if they haven’t then I have nothing to pressure myself with. So why do I constantly go over and over and over in my head these thoughts? I’m hurting myself so many times I literally can’t do anything and I have so much to do today. I hate it I hate being involved I don’t want to anymore. I even said to him I’m an outsider and I don’t want to be involved, I don’t know anything and I shouldn’t it’s not my business I’ve only known all of you (her and him) for like 3 weeks, her I don’t even know but my friends do so I’ve heard from them what she’s like. It’s just all so hard for my brain right now

18+ I’m afraid that at some point I might’ve watched something illegal while I had a bad porn addiction as a teen- I’m not sure and that’s what haunts me. How could any of us know? How could we know the people in this porn are the age they say they are?! Why does this make me even more consumed with doom. I think rather dark stuff after that, concerning stuff for my well being cause I literally spiral so hard I feel as if I’m losing touch with reality. My panic attacks, my depression- all spurred on and taunted by a “what if” Do normal people genuinely not think about this? Do normal people keep moving forward knowing that’s a possible risk? If so then what? What if your eyes saw that? How would you even keep living? Or wanting to.