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Can OCD make you feel like it’s not really OCD? Like you’re just acting or using it as a coverup to not admit you’re a psychopath?

I’m new to this community and I have been recently struggling with suicidal ocd. I’ve never experienced these thoughts before and I’ve been pretty good at handling tough situations. But recently it’s been the only topic on my mind. Images and statements like I want to die. Which I really don’t want to. I’ve been seeking reassurance from my family asking if they believe I would do it. And also non stop googling about people who have ended their lives. It’s been extremely scary for me. As I don’t want to but your mind really convinces you that you do. I even questioned whether I have ocd and if this was possible or if I really wanted to end my life. I’ve been considering medication but have also been afraid of the side effects. Can anyone relate?

This is not a political post at all but just an honest question (without giving too much reassurance). Is anyone else triggered by the incident that happened with Donald Trump?. I want to explain what I’m dealing with and if anyone could relate I would gladly appreciate your reply. Donald Trump was shot over the weekend and thankfully survived. I haven’t been bothered by things like this in a while but here’s how it panned out for me …. At first when I saw it I was in complete shock (no anxiety though), then I felt bad and then I started getting visual images of the shooter in my head (like fully aiming at Trump). From that, it went to having thoughts of “you like it”, “you would do this”, “you could do this to your own family” , “he deserved it”, “you don’t even feel bad you’re not having anxiety over it “. I had a therapy session and we spoke about this and I was assigned an exposure to do based on this content. Now my brain is trying to convince me that I’m a psychopath and that I actually enjoy things like this. Can anyone else relate to this? Anyone else experience this?

For the last three years I’ve been dealing with OCD, I’ve definitely had it all my life but up until now I was completely fine. This deals with some sensitive topics so read at your own discretion. I knew I had POCD way before, as I would just glance at a kid and my mind would conjure up the worst, most evil things imaginable. I would brush these off because I had a vague idea of what an intrusive thought was, even now I’m not sure if it’s POCD or if it’s real. I’ve dug deep into things I did as a child and in my early teens, even stuff from about a year or two ago. I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not anymore, I think I’ve become completely delusional and am lost, unsure of who I am. I could deal with the HOCD, I’ve sought professional help and have been in and out of the psych ward. I haven’t gone back because they told me they couldn’t be of much help and to do outpatient treatment, which is therapy, but even that won’t begin until two weeks later. I’m F18, a girl should not be dealing with shit like this, that’s what I’ve told myself. I couldn’t believe that I myself am a monster, I can’t cope with this…I don’t know what to do, when you’ve dug deep in your past and found things that can serve as “proof” I feel sick, disgusted, and I feel like the only way to get rid of these thoughts and to take back the things I did as a child is to just die. The second thing I wanted to post about was that I would frequent Omegle and other anonymous sites. This lasted up until a month or two months ago, I remember that I would often seek out older people than me, but during the time I was 16 I found that it was difficult to do so and decided to just talk to people my own age, my preference was to talk to people two years older than me but I remember one time I spoke to someone two years younger than me. This has raised many questions in my mind, “what if you sought someone younger and don’t remember” I do remember I’d encounter kids on there but I’d skip them, sometimes I’d warn them to get off the site because it was dangerous. I’ve been dealing with this constant “what if what if” for weeks now. I would go as far as having my phone be checked just to gain some fucking certainty about my situation, I wanted a career in art, but there’s this sense of doom following me everywhere I go and I cannot have any peace whatsoever. I don’t care about whatever happened to me, I could care even less. But what if I’ve done something I don’t remember, I’m scared to face that monster I’ve thought myself to be for so long.

My life has changed so much in the past 2 months due to an interaction I had. 2 months ago I was outside of a comedy show venue waiting for my brother to arrive. He was running late so I was trying to kill the time by scrolling on my phone. Then this security guard walks up to me and starts a conversation with me. He was asking me questions about the comedian I was gonna watch. He then asked me if I was planning on going out after the show was over. He was asking for suggestions about cool stuff to do around town (I guess he had recently moved to the area). It was then that he asked me for my phone number. I then told him that I had a boyfriend so that he could piece together that I wasn’t interested in him that way. He then assured me that he was “not trying to get at you that way.” He said he was just trying to grow a social circle since he had just moved. He then just started asking me for relationship advice. He was impressed that I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. Then I started to tell him that my boyfriend and I are involved with the rave community and this seemed to peak his interest. He mentioned that he had always been interested in the rave community, but didn’t know much about it. I then told him that there is an upcoming rave in the area and that maybe he could come with my boyfriend and I if he was interested. For added context, my boyfriend and I have been talking about making new friends recently since some of our friends have moved recently. We then exchanged instagrams and at the moment I was comfortable with this since he assured me that he wasn’t interested in me romantically. Additionally, my boyfriend and I have no problems with having friends of the opposite gender. My brother finally made it to the venue and we went inside to go watch the show together. The guy sent me a message stating “it was nice meeting you today” and then I replied “Yeah meeting new friends can be cool” (I wanted to reiterate that I just wanted to be friends). He then replied with “Yeah definitely want to make new friends this time around.” These were the only messages we sent to each other. I felt okay and pretty neutral about the interaction until the day after. The day after, I noticed that he had liked an old picture I posted on Instagram. The picture he had liked was one where I had some cleavage showing. This was when the negative thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks. Looking back I think I may have overreacted, but I took him liking one of my pictures as a flirtatious advance. Then the thoughts started attacking me: “Did I say something that made him believe he had a chance with me? Did I accidentally cross a boundary with my boyfriend?” These thoughts have been on reply 24/7 and I don’t know how to make them stop. The day after these thoughts started, my boyfriend came back into town from a trip. Since I was filled with doubt, (and I was planning on telling him about the interaction regardless) I decided to tell my boyfriend about the interaction to see what he felt about it. I kept the details pretty brief at first. I let him know that he had asked for my number, and that I told the guy I have a boyfriend. I said that the guy told me he wasn’t interested in me that way. I also told my boyfriend that the guy was interested in the rave community and that we exchanged instagrams. I then let him know that the guy had liked an old picture of mine and that I blocked him after that. My boyfriend was not freaking out whatsoever. He didn’t show concern, and said he didn’t think anything was wrong with the interaction. I felt some relief, but that didn’t last long. About 2 weeks after the thoughts wouldn’t stop, so I felt the need to talk to my boyfriend about it again just to make sure everything was okay. I was more direct this time. I asked him, “do you feel like I crossed a boundary by initiating a friendship with a man?” He immediately reassured me that he did not have a problem with that whatsoever. He told me that I could be friends with whoever I wanted. Additionally, he said that he would be a hypocrite if he did have a problem with that, because he has friends who are women. He has never made me feel insecure about this and I also do not have a problem with him being friends with women because we trust each other. This provided me with relief… but again not for long. Another week or so passed and the thoughts weren’t going away. The thoughts started having more of a negative impact on my life. I started eating less, sleeping less, and socializing less. Crying everyday. The panic attacks were frequent. I began to see the negative impact the thoughts were having in my professional and personal life. Not only did I notice this, but my boyfriend did as well. He started growing concerned about me, and on a particularly hard day for me, he asked me what was wrong. This is when I finally broke down to him. I started crying inconsolably. I told him that I couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of me leading that guy on. I asked my boyfriend to be 100% honest with me and tell me if he had a problem with the interaction. He assured me that he did not have a problem at all, unless the guy was pressuring me to share my Instagram. He asked me if the guy harmed me/harassed me in any way. He was concerned for my safety. I then told him that in the moment I didn’t feel like he was harassing me, and that I genuinely thought he wanted to be friends with me. My boyfriend gave me the biggest hug and just let me cry. He was really there for me and told me I didn’t do anything wrong. He assured me that he would let me know if he had a problem. I let him know I was starting therapy, because at the bottom of my heart, I really do believe my mind is giving me irrational thoughts. My boyfriend said he was proud of me for starting therapy and that he had noticed recently that my “spark” was gone. I felt relief, but again, not for long. I asked for reassurance two other times with others. I asked for reassurance with two close friends, and with my sister on a different occasion. They had similar responses that my boyfriend had. They stated that they didn’t think I cheated or that I messed up in any way. This was when I realized that asking for reassurance wasn’t helping me in the long run. I talked about this with my therapist. She asked me about other symptoms related to OCD and that’s when she told me that she suspects that I have OCD. I have only seen her for two sessions so she has not given me a formal diagnosis. She challenged me to no longer seek reassurance. It has been super difficult to resist, but thankfully I have been able to not ask for reassurance. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I feel so alone. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me, and the thoughts feel so real to me most of the time. I genuinely feel like I am going crazy. I just want to feel normal again. I’m so scared that this will ruin my relationship with my boyfriend. He is the kindest and sweetest soul and I don’t want to lose him. Thank you in advance to anyone who read all the way through… I’ve just been feeling so trapped in my mind and felt the need to write this whole thing out. Any advice would be much appreciated! I just feel so lost.

Hi everyone, i’m writing this for a bit of advice or guidance as I have worries about my new therapy. So i’ve been put on CBT for my ocd however cbt has never meshed well with me & this therapy is through the NHS. Now my therapist told me that apparently CBT is the best for ocd but through research i’ve done myself most of the time exposure therapy has been proven as the gold standard? I’m really confused… personally I would have liked to receive exposure therapy, but unfortunately it’s not offered on the nhs in my area… The therapist herself I do not feel comfortable with, ocd is a sticky topic as we all know and it’s very difficult to open up about what actually goes on in our head. I feel as if I do not trust her to be able to open up and really get help. I could hear people in the background on the zoom call which spooked me as I don’t want anyone else hearing what I have to say and she wasn’t wearing headphones… She was also not very warm and welcoming, little to no interest and she was yawning and rubbing her face as if she needed to go for a nap… now my mental health is very important to me as i WANT to get better, due to my ocd and other health conditions i am unable to work and ocd has stripped me of who i am, so this therapy is super important to me so i can get back on track with my life. I don’t know whether this is me asking for too much, but in therapy I feel more comfortable if the therapist is friendly and warm, as if i’m having a chat with my friend, someone who i can make jokes to and trust. I did not get that from her, so I don’t know what to do. Next session she wants me to tell her all my obsessions and compulsions currently but i feel i just can’t, i don’t trust her. I want to try but how can i be so open and vulnerable when i can hear chit chat in the background and the therapist looks like she wants a kip? Is it selfish of me to want the therapist to gain my trust? Like work with me and try make me feel comfortable? is that too much? It’s either carry on with this or pay for my own therapy… Any advice or people’s own experiences? :,)

Madina is a phenomenal therapist! I recently finished my discharge session, and I can say, without a doubt, that working with Madina has drastically improved my quality of life! I have become more comfortable with uncertainty, imperfection, and the unknown. She pushed me outside my comfort zone, which is exactly what I needed!

I had a fight with my mother today it was about my ocd. We began to fight because I was mad at her because she didn‘t want to drive me to a psychologist then (I don’t know exactly how we came to what) she came up with „I always make things up“. I told her to read something about OCD to understand it. And after she read the first Wikipedia article she dared to say it‘s nothing „horrible“ and that she „also has it“. It hurt me so much because I stuggle so much with it right now. Can someone help me how can I explain it to her because I want her to understand it.

Just need to rant a little bit. I’ve been dealing with SOOCD for a LONG time now and every time I see a super masculine lesbian where they literally look like a man I feel like idk what it’s called but it’s like the giddiness and the attraction i used to feel for guys all the time before this started. I was on instagram 20 min ago and i was like “oh wow HES cute im finally getting my attraction back” n then it’s a fucking woman. Then i begin to spiral but since i’ve been dealing with this for a long time im better at managing my anxiety. It just annoying because i feel like im losing hope in just want this to end. I feel sad ab it but now im just annoyed bc WHYYYY THE FUCK AM I STILL THINKING AB THESE THINGS. When this started i was a boy crazy teenager and one day on instagram fucked it up for me. I immediately got flashbacks of all the “gay” or “experimental” things i’ve done, said, thought, or felt in the past. fast forward to now, I have no libido, i don’t find anyone attractive, i get the groinal response thing all the time still, im still depressed (but doing way better), and the fact that i’ve been dealing with this for so long makes me panic even more. I’d do anything to get my brain to stop doing this to me im so tired of this. Short and boring rant but that’s all i had to say.

Hi, please be kind, this is quite a lot for me to open up about. I’m a 31 year old womanwith OCD and have had it for most of my life. Partly due to OCD and other things, cultural upbringing etc I’ve never been in a proper relationship, and as a result not had sex (not wanted a one night stand etc) but have always seen myself as eventually marrying a guy and having kids. My main obsession is worries about my family and harm but also for most of my life I’ve also been questioning my sexuality. I have never kissed a woman but seem to be obsessed with boobs and feel I am sexually attracted to women more than men, who I don’t tend to feel sexually attracted to but instead romantically I want to be around them, however I’ve only ever felt that with a few guys. I’ve only kissed a handful of guys and enjoyed only one of those experiences. Due to my confusion about whether it is OCD or whether I am queer I’ve identified as bi for a while, which seemed to fit. However the last few days I’ve been convinced I was a lesbian. I do compulsions, the am I gay quizzes, on the internet, looking at pictures to see my response etc which is characteristic of OCD but I also enjoy being around women and it doesn’t fill me with anxiety like my OCD symptoms around other themes. Is there anyone here who has had SO OCD but also discovered that they are queer and has trouble pulling apart which bits are ocd and which aren’t? I keep trying to sit with the uncertainty and tell myself maybe I’m gay, maybe I’m bi, but that doesn’t seem to bother me like statements with my other obsessions. I’ve been doing a lot of research on sexuality and think that also if sexuality is fluid which I think it is how does anyone commit to a stable relationship? I had a really bad mental health day last week, suicidal thoughts, extreme PMS where I looked through my life experiences and thought ahh it makes sense im actually a lesbian, eg. All the times ive wanted to hug my female friends or stared at them and the times ive been on dates with guys but then my interest just seems to fizzle out or I feel bored or felt uncomfortable with. Im not looking for reassurance just would like to hear from people who have questioned their sexuality and thing it’s is more than OCD or queer people with OVD who have similar experiences. Thank you

Help, it was nice while it lasted. I'm not going to take the amazing job opportunity after all. OCD has won another battle.

Hi everyone! I have never posted on here before but i’m not really sure what else i can do. I have a concert coming up (tomorrow) that i have been waiting a year for. I am extremely excited, but over the past few months ive been having a lot of obsessive thoughts that something bad will happen at the event and i will get really hurt. After these thoughts it makes me worried and contemplate whether it is intuition, or if it’s just an obsessive thought. Just wondering if anyone else has ever had these worries/thoughts before going to a big event!

I am on a cruise ship and my contamination ocd is so bad. I keep seeing people coughing into their hands and touching everything. What are some tips for cruising with contamination ocd?

Hello. I downloaded this app because of a cousin who has been through and is currently experiencing things similar to me and she said this helps her not feel so alone. So here I am. My name is Emma and I’m a 15 year old from Texas. In 2015, when I was 4/5 years old, I was ripped away from my grandparents (who took care of me) and placed with my father (who abused my drug addicted mother) and his wife, my step mom. “Dana” is what I’ll call her. When I first arrived at my dads and Dana’s house I didn’t suspect anything bad. I just missed my grandparents. Until Dana started to sexually, mentally and physically abuse me at a very young age. She would lock me in dark rooms, hit me with spoons and tell me to blame the marks it left on my grandparents as she tried to heal them or whatever. Dana told me that I was a snake and my dad didn’t love me. She showed me pictures of mens private parts and, although my memory of this incident is blurry, I do remember taking a “bath” with her once and never again. But Dana is just where my problems started. Whenever my grandparents won the custody battle, I came home, but not as the same kid who left. My thoughts were now very sexual if that makes sense, and I started to have sexual thoughts about family members and other thoughts in which I couldn’t control. I had basically developed a very dirty mind from an earlier age due to this abuse I went through at Dana’s house of horrors. These intrusive thoughts had eventually calmed now because as I got older I learned how to (somewhat) control them, but they still invade my mind today. The sexual abuse I endured also led to a short-lived porn addiction that stopped in 2020/2021 after I turned to God. These thoughts are also kind of like OCD, but like ‘if you don’t get this right all your loved ones will die’ and ‘if you do this God won’t love you and you’ll go to hell’ and what not. Now onto my present day problems Also, my grandparents are cattle people. They raise beef steers and breeding heifers. I started to show steers (a boy cow basically) in 2018. Of course, like any other animal-obsessed kids, I always fell in love with my steers. But, if you don’t know this already, FFA kids raise their “projects” or “show animals” for their county fair or other major livestock shows/expositions and at the end of every year my steers were slaughtered. I learned this at a young age but wasn’t too affected until I started to win, until I started to gain attention from random people because of what I’d accomplished in the show cattle industry, and I started to really get attached to my show animals. Just recently, I had a steer named Flash, and my goodness did I fall in love with that steer. We won almost every show we went to and were known by many people in my county. At the end of the year, Flash won Grand Champion Market Steer at the 2024 YMBL South Texas State Fair. At the fair, which lasted a week, I had to leave Flash in fair grounds in his champion pen the staff always provides for the winners (Grand and Reserve.) The fair always ends on my birthday, March 30th, which means I also have to leave my favorite animals on a day most would celebrate, but I dread all year long. Leaving Flash made me loose all self worth and also deem everything else the world had to offer meaningless. I became extremely depressed and bipolar, which, by the way, I still struggle with intense depression. I started thinking of killing my self. I told myself that if a painless way to end my life ever arose I would do it. I would end it all, just to see Flash again. Also in 2022, a heifer I loved so much, possibly more than Flash, prolapsed and died a painful death, leaving her baby behind. (We still have her baby.) The day this heifer died will always be ingrained in my head. When I got off the bus from the school, I ran to the end of my driveway before realizing my heifer, who I called Ms Kitty, really was dead. I dropped to my knees and sobbed in the driveway until my grandpa came and got me. Later that day I forced myself to look at the bloody trailer and I cried. I looked at the place where she was buried. But I got over Ms Kitty. Now onto the other problems. My grandpa went to Vietnam and told me stories. Like a normal kid would, I became obsessed and wanted to learn everything about the war. Me and my cousin played a game at night that resembled Vietnam. Until I stopped treating it like a game and let the events that took place in that horrible war shake me to my core. My grandpa also told me a story where one of his only friends, because according to him he tried his best not to make friends in case they died, was hit by some type of bomb or something and his body was blown in half. That scarred me as a child and I still think about it to day. All of that war phase I had as a kid affects me. Last week my family put on some Vietnam war movie. I started crying and had to make them turn it off. It just affects me somehow…and I know I’m not a veteran and I don’t know half of the problems vets go through, it still affects me and makes me depressed. All of these problems, amongst smaller things, make me want to end my life; I want the sadness and depression to end, I want to be with my family and Flash in heaven. I don’t want to live on this cruel world any longer than I have to. During the daytime, I’m happy and I laugh. There are days where I’m sad regardless of what time it is, but for the post part, every night I cry alone in my room, read my Bible and pray for God to take me and my grandparents to Heaven so I can see Flash all my other loved ones and animals and end my suffering. Before I end this post, I just want to add that I wouldn’t ever cause myself any harm. I’m a very low pain tolerance type of person and I’m even terrified of needles, so at least for now, Im in now real danger and wouldn’t ever act on my sucicidial thoughts. (Hope I spelt it right.)

I’ve been this way my whole life. It’s never been a problem until OCD got ahold of me. Does anyone else feel like they get obsessed with certain people?

I think I did something bad and I don't remember exactly what happened. I turned my family's life into hell with my problems. I don't want to live anymore but I can't leave them. I don't know what to do, I've never felt so bad.

Hi all, I’m having a spike in my ROCD and am just going to vent but am open to comments / helpful words as well :) I’ve been experiencing ROCD for about a year now, been living with my fiancee (M) and love him to death. I picture having his babies, I can’t wait to marry him, I’m excited for our future together and see myself being really happy with him. However, y’all know how it is when you get triggered. It makes me feel like I’m behind a clear shower curtain staring at the world through a wall of my own emotions that I can’t poke through and get out of, but can see through. Then I’ll randomly snap out of it (maybe from spinning to the point of numbness) and feel fine and happy and content. It’s hard because we’re engaged and we’re set to get married at the end of the year. So the whole “don’t make a decision yet, give it 6 months” won’t work because we’re getting married in 6 months 😂 I love him. I just question a lot of things and need absolute certainty all the time. I’m learning that I can be a very black and white thinker and take things very literally, so that probably ties into it too. I just want to be normal again. I feel the most guilt ever when I get into these ruminations, and wonder if he deserves better— someone who knows what they want and can be with him and not feel how I feel sometimes. Lately I’ve been hyperfixated on if I actually want to settle down and have kids or if that’s just what we’re trained to think, so what if I travel the world instead …….(but we can travel together so, what? lol) Or I went to a baseball game and had the thought of maybe I wanna date a baseball player …..(I don’t even like baseball!😂) Add being religious into that mix, and then it becomes “well what if GOD doesn’t want me with him and is trying to force me to leave??” So then I pray “god, if you don’t want me with this man, show me please!!!” And 3 hours later my man surprised me with flowers and a hand written note professing his love for me. But then it’s back to the spin cycle days later. I’m in OCD / trauma therapy and for the first time today, I spiraled before my therapy appointment, and was able to explain how that felt to her. Then I mentioned the guilt behind planning a wedding while feeling like this (she knows we’re engaged) and she said “you know, this is the first time you’ve mentioned the wedding in the entirety of our appointments” and THAT is making me spiral because I don’t know what she means by that! Am I supposed to be talking about the wedding to my therapist? I don’t know? Anyways, I don’t know yall. I don’t want to leave and I want to see this through and marry the man I’ve loved for so many years, but sometimes I get wrapped up in the mess of all of it. It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes I don’t want to even leave my bed because I’m so bummed and sad. Thanks for reading.

I just have had a very bad day. Over the past couple days many situations have happened which have led me to believing that my friends might be upset at me. I feel like everyone is ignoring me, and it scares me. I am scared they're upset and idk what to do. I don't know if I should confront them about it or just say nothing if I am overreacting. I have this one friend I know I could confide in but all she would really be able to say is that I have to ask them myself. A long with that nothing has really gone my way today. My friend who I was supposed to hang out with last minute canceled cause her brother from Atlanta surprised her. Now I am all alone outside a public park. And I can't help but think what am I doing? What am I waiting for? I know that sometimes the only solution to fear is confronting it. If I want answers about whether my friends are angry with me I have to ask. I can't just wait. But what does this mean for my other compulsions. What about apologizing to my oarenrs because I might have accidentally had a laced edible? Am I going to live with that forever or is the only way to live through fear to face it head on it? Is that the only way forward? I know fear will never go away, but am I just stuck in a cycle of having to face it over and over again? Or are there things I shouldn't face? Should I not give into things my therapist would label a compulsion like apologizing to my parents for the what if possibility that I did take a laced edible? Is there a balance? Is one wrong and is one right? How do I decipher which fears I have to face head on and which fears I have to keep inside me? Do I live a life where I am congested with fears on a daily basis or one where I am possibly loosely giving into every fearful thought and throw myself into scary situations? I dont know, it seems like I am overthinking. But this question puzzled me.

so im a little scared rn, okay thats a lie im very scared. I keep having these images in my head, im sure there just intrusive images. But its like intrusive images of demons, or really weird creepy things. And it just comes so quickly i can barely see it. And the thing is, i can really see it properly like it comes, i feel the intense anxiety but its insanely idk how to describe it. Ive felt this way before, and ive been in crazy dissociation, i need help, are these just intrusive thoughts? (not reassurance, so please dont flag post, im just really confused)

Has anyone else ever struggled with if they liked their husbands friend in the past? Actually a mutual friend. He’s got qualities I would go for in a different life in different situations, I’m sure I’ve had thoughts about it. But never wanted to pursue anything or leave my husband. So now with confessing things to my husband I tell him this but also say I “don’t know” if I actually liked them or just liked qualities like you woulf with anyone. But, I have this guilty feeling in my stomach, is it ocd doing that or is it bc I know I liked him more then a friend. My husband says I should know, I know what it’s like to like someone. But I really feel like I can’t tell the difference so I just want to assume I did and clear the air. But my husband says I can’t just assume the worst all the time.