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i did something not very good and i cannot move on from it because i truly don’t feel i deserve to. it’s like inhumane and i don’t feel like i should ever be happy. trying to forgive myself and move on is the hardest thing to do.

How do I know if it's rocd or how I actually feel? I don't want to lose him because I know id never find another person like him. I am only 15 but I really did feel that he was the love of my life before the thoughts. I still feel like he is but I feel like I don't love him. Every single person in my life tells me that the way I act around him hasn't changed at all. We've been together for 11 months and this has only been an issue after I stopped taking the microgynon 30 birth control pill about a month and a half ago. I only took it for 6 weeks to help with my period pains. Id never thought about not loving him before. I just want to love him again. I've never been happier than before this. I've been in love with him since we met when we were 11 and it only took him 3 years to ask me out. I don't want to lose him or the future we planned together, or his family or his cats. I just really don't feel like I love him and when I'm really deep in a spiral I can't tell if I even want to love him. I just want it back and I wish this never happened to me. Please help me love him again

I wanna make this a thread of things that are helping or helped you overcome pure ocd.. From morning walks, journaling, or even a podcast share it here for everyone to see maybe we all can use a thing or two to help us BEAT this

Hello everyone, I am new here. I am glad that I can openly share my thoughts with people who will understand and not judge me. I am still not sure if I have OCD or just anxiety. I wasn't a tidy person before but I knew when I was still in school that I did want my schoolwork to be perfect and organized. When I was young I lost my grandpa who was very close to me. Then I started telling my parents "I love you" and "Please don't die" phrases which they find annoying as I say this to them maybe 5x or more per day. 😔 And now that I am married I always say this to my husband too. He got used to hearing it each day. I wanted to stop this. I tried. But I felt like my day was worse. I felt like if I was not saying those phrases, I had the feeling of ignoring them and that I was not concerned for them. I noticed that after giving birth and I talked with my nurse that I should wash my newborn son's bottle and stuff separately, my desire to make everything clean heightened up. I started to think that if I did not follow the advice my son's stuff would be contaminated by other things. That he might catch this and that. I even used a separate sponge and if I think it touches something I will rewash them. This is so time-consuming but it makes me feel that I am doing it right. Before the pandemic started, I already had a habit of washing my hands once I got home. I didn't care about the others if they did. But now, oh man, I want everyone to do the same in our house. My husband and my son are doing the same now. It became a routine in our home. Before when a visitor won't wash their hands, I do not care, but now it irritates me. I can't say it directly because I am afraid of hurting their feelings but I can't function properly. It will be in my head the whole time. And I will think that everything they touch is dirty. If I do not have access to the washroom, I will be using a hand sanitizer. I always carry one. When COVID was new, I thought it was just a normal flu, in Canada it is common in winter. I was not too concerned because I knew it would be cured. But since I watched a lot of news of people dying and unfortunately my dad was one of them, my cleanliness heightened. I do not want anyone to die. I felt like I did not give him enough advice to protect himself. I researched stuff on how to disinfect, and I learnt about making hypochlorous acid as a natural disinfectant without harmful chemicals. I wiped all our groceries. And the worst is once I go out I feel dirty and contaminated already. Everything, like literally everything that we buy, should be sprayed and wiped down. I even used the hypochlorous acid to spray myself before entering the house. Not only that but to my husband and my son too. At first, I do this to my visitors, but I know I am being judged. So I just close my eyes and let it pass. But the concern of bringing anything dirty into our home boils down in me. I can't be in the moment. I am overwhelmed. After every party, I will clean and spray everything to be disinfected. I will steam the floor so I know it's clean so that I do not have to wipe anything that falls on it. It is tiring but it makes me feel like I am living in my safe zone. I feel like I am protecting my family by giving them a clean home. When we travel, I will wipe down everything from the plane to our hotel room. I packed some of my spray and wipes. We will use slippers inside the room because I know a lot of people use their shoes inside the hotel rooms. Everything that falls on the floor is considered dirty. (Btw, I am Asian, and it is normal for us not to bring shoes inside the house) I always tie my hair up so it won't be dirty. I do not bring a bag so I won't quarantine it or wash it after I use it. We only wear our clothes once. I want to be normal. I tried to limit spraying myself and my family and all surfaces. I tried to not wipe the groceries and I do not know if this is just a coincidence but everyone in our family got sick. So I went back wiping everything again. I don't know what to do anymore. 😥 Has anyone experienced this or presently experiencing this?

I’ve had OCD since I can remember. I don’t know if there’s an argument about being born with OCD vs developing it. I can assure you, I was born with it. Some of my earliest memories are checking my mom’s tires after we had a flat, and worrying that I had ingested a harmful chemical. My first big manifestation was when my mom bought toilet bowl fresheners when I was about 5 that had the California cancer warning. I had a baby brother and I was obsessed with thinking he would eat them, get cancer, and die. I remember the anguish. I remember the not being able to sleep. It got so bad, and I was so worried, my mom threw them away and never got them again. I still shudder when I see that kind in the store. I also started, around the same time, checking if everyone was breathing. My mom, my dad, my brother, my grandma when I stayed with her. One night, I kept her awake all night because any time she went to sleep I was afraid she would stop breathing and die. On into my youth and adolescence, I began to experience panic attacks that came with episodes of derealization. I didn’t learn until later, in my 20s, that derealization was a form of OCD. My parents finally sought treatment for the panic attacks, but only from my pediatrician. I was put on medication at an early age. I don’t think therapy was even discussed. This was the late 90s and early 2000s. Most of the OCD themes in my adolescence were health or socially focused. I stopped always going to my mom for reassurance, and dealt with a lot of themes on my own. Things my family to this day still doesn’t know about. Nuclear war fears, HIV when I learned about it in school, fear I would curse while singing in church. All themes I dealt with on my own until they “ran out of steam”. The internet wasn’t what it is now. I didn’t even think of Googling what was going on. I thought it was something only I dealt with. A lot of times I was ashamed to tell my mom unless the anxiety got so bad and I had to. I felt like the things I “worried” about were embarrassing. I wasn’t told that (my mom was and still is so supportive) but I just compulsively felt it. In my early 20s, I had a panic attack that led to agoraphobia and being homebound, due to months of derealization. I quit college and my part time job. I was hopeless. This is where I first discovered Google and entertained the possibility of OCD. But because my family was low income at the time, and also treatment for OCD is nonexistent in my area, I visited my primary doctor for medication and rode it out at home. I coped by my wonderful now ex-boyfriend and my mom easing me back into life little by little. Slowly I was able to get a job again and even go back to school. Sadly, my troubles weren’t over. I had multiple episodes over various themes. Some getting me back into agoraphobic states for shorter periods. Some coming with derealization and some without. Most notably, relationship OCD with my boyfriend at the time and my mom (do I love them enough?), religious OCD (unforgivable sin due to deconstructing Baptist faith from childhood), somatic, and schizophrenia. I remember being in complete agony on a beach trip with my boyfriend because I couldn’t stop noticing my blinking. I faked it through the best I could, but I was a nervous wreck. This whole time, I still hadn’t been to therapy, because I was too afraid to tell anyone what I was experience due to how weird it was. Fast forward, the boyfriend leaves me. I have a breakdown the following fall, mostly derealization and some harm OCD for the first time, that I check myself into a crisis unit. I went to therapy for the first time there, and got set up with my local community mental health center. They were kind to me, but knew nothing about OCD. Wouldn’t even diagnose me. Meds were changed and I was diagnosed with anxiety. Another fast forward to 2018, I was dealing with another breakup and had a bad episode that resulted in me going to the ER. I was treated very poorly there. After that, I went back to the community mental health center (I had stopped as it wasn’t helping) and began taking medication seriously. The therapist still didn’t know anything about OCD, but I stayed consistent and tried to just talk to her about my issues. I also watched OCD content on YouTube at home and decided I’d self treat that part and go to therapy for support. Finally, in summer of 2019, I decided to private pay for therapy. I found a great therapist who was trauma focused. But, we connected and I trusted her. She really did help me a lot because I did have some trauma. This leads us to today. With 5 years of trauma therapy, and also a med combo that works for me (she referred me to a good psych NP), I am functional, haven’t had derealization longer than a normal panic attack (and that’s extremely rare) in 5 years. I learned coping skills and DBT which I do think have helped me in some aspects. I also did EMDR for my traumas. I genuinely don’t regret it. However, I’m outgrowing her. She does know I have OCD but isn’t well trained. She thinks it’s all due to trauma (I don’t have all that much) and I think I was born with it. I feel my trauma is resolved and I’m still not getting the relief I need. I have found myself at NOCD to connect with my next therapist and move away from my beloved trauma therapist. It’s just time. With my traumas resolved and in a place where I am functional, I see more nonjudgmentally how OCD is ingrained in my habits and everyday brain function, and is contributing to my baseline level of anxiety. It’s time to conquer the final boss. If you read this far, thank you, and I hope to be a help to you on your journey as well.

Hi All - This is my first time posting on this app. I am 29 and have been dealing with OCD since I was 10. I managed my OCD well from ages 10-18 due to many reasons (I’ll keep this short). At 18, when my OCD was in one of its worst forms, I went to a residential program to get better. However, I only got a small percent better. I carried on with my severe and extremely debilitating OCD. Somehow, I graduated college with honors, maintained a social life, and had a great relationship with my girlfriend. Not long though, from the ages of 18-25, my OCD got worse and worse over time. I was never fully committed to ERP therapy (only in residential and with two or three of the countless therapists I saw over my life). It was then at age 26, my therapist, parents, and girlfriend demanded I need to take time off my master’s program and go into a virtual intensive outpatient program. My relationship of 5 years was on the line. Unfortunately, I did not try hard enough and the IOP only helped so much, due to my inconsistent work. My girlfriend at the time left me, causing a huge scar that I am not over. This was two years ago in 2022… Fast forward after that, I have done more intense therapy and my second trial of a residential program in March of this year. I felt I also did make gains, but right when I came out in May, the compulsions came right back. I feel hopeless and helpless in my life. My parents don’t know what to do with me. All my friends and acquaintances are moving on with their life while I’m 29, have no job, am just getting back to grad school with extreme difficulty, have small hobbies/activity/stimulation due to OCD avoidance, and lastly, crippling OCD. I don’t know who I am anymore and don’t know why I haven’t had the strength to pull myself out of this 11 year OCD prison. It’s eating at me alive and I know people have said they felt similarly to hopeless and helplessness, but I don’t…unfortunately.

Trigger warning: harm ocd, please help/read I was getting a drink for a server at my work place. I’m not a server just a host but they asked for help and we were in a a rush so I grabbed the glass cups we have and started scooping ice with the glass without using the ice scooper. (I’ve done this before) some of the ice was in a small bal so I used the end of the cup to break it apart because it didn’t fit in the cup. I wasn’t banging it against the ice with great force or anything, this ice wasn’t hard at all and probably could’ve been pulled apart with your hands easily. My manager saw this and got mad at me, I panicked and I froze up a bit and tried to continue to scoop the ice in the cup without the scooper and she got even mad and I dropped the cup against the table (it didn’t break) she started saying “child what are you doing child???” And rubbing her head and just got the ice properly and gave it to the guests. Later I was called in the office and was told I was fired because of a complaint I had gotten, and because of the ice and cup situation. I was obviously ashamed and I still am. I never thought I’d get fired from a job in life ever. But-that’s not what made this whole thing horrible-she told that “what’s if the glass broke or chipped and fell in the ice and hurt someone!? That is brand ruining! Job ruining!” She basically told me I could’ve killed someone and omg I wish that idea wasn’t put in my head. Now I can’t stop thinking about that possibility-that I could kill someone with my carelessness and absent mindedness she told how what if someone swallowed glass? The we’d have to pay and shut the restaurant down. I can’t stop thinking that I may or may have not killed someone doing this. I wasn’t slamming this glass into the ice with all my strength I was gently breaking it apart-now I wish I had checked the bottom of the glasses. I did this twice today (the second time being when my manger saw) and now I’m scared that I have hurt someone and I will ruin everything. I don’t want to kill anyone but I can’t stop thinking about it. I want to look things up but I’m scared I’m so scared. I know it’s my own fault I should be more aware, my parents and friends said my manager did too much and what happened could’ve been a teachable moment but because of that complaint and this situation I was fired and now I’m scared I killed someone and ruined everything. I don’t know what to do. I already have enough to deal with on my soul and conscious I can’t handle someone’s death. I’m so scared.

Does anyone else have multiple different types of OCD? Everyone I know keeps saying how i can't be ocd because I dont clean all the time.

Does anyone have any coping skills they really recommend or learned from therapy? I start therapy soon but until then I wanna learn how to manage this on my own.

i don't even know if i have ocd but it would make sense. the semester before i dropped out of college i was completely unable to function — i was addicted to weed and getting high on cough syrup and i could barely eat. i ruined my friendships and broke up with both my partners because i was so so scared that people would find out how awful i was. i didnt feel like i could trust the people around me to be an accurate judge of morality because i felt like they were too black and white. looking back, I was the one that was too black and white but ive never trusted myself to be a good person instinctively anyways so i was just caught in a web of "i dont know if im doing the right thing i dont think im doing the right thing i think everyone is being too harsh but maybe they're not maybe im just a horrible person" and nobody SAID that but i believed they thought it (or would think it). i was trying so so hard to be a good person and to do the right things all the time and i was NEVER succeeding so i would just get high and try to shut off my mind and pretend it wasnt happening. when my cousin died it was awful and i was shocked and grieving but every time i cried i was so, so relieved because since i was 7 I've worried that if a family member died i wouldn't be affected. i felt so guilty when matthew died because even though i cried and i knew i was sad i felt like i shouldve been worse. i didnt like when people talked about it because i knew i shouldve felt more but i didnt know what to say and pretending i did and trying to act like a normal person grieving for their cousin was exhausting and stressful and i hated it. when i spiral about something i did or something i said i fantasize about being stabbed in the stomach or gouging my eye out and i used to cut myself for some sense of relief but now i mostly hit myself or use the end of my cigarettes or dig my nails into my skin because it's easier to hide. nobody notices bruises or tiny circular burns on your arms so i dont have to wear long sleeves and long pants. My entire life ive known there's something wrong with me and it's only recently that I've tried to talk to my family about it and every time i do it just goes horribly. it's not like theyre not supportive but they dont believe me and they just tell me it's normal and they get frustrated when i try to explain that it ISNT because there IS something wrong and i didnt know what but im pretty sure it's OCD because that makes sense with how my thoughts spiral and the guilt and the patterns and the rules for how i interact with people so that they might forgive me for everything else. and sometimes i just want to be hurt or sick or something undeniably horribly wrong so people will feel bad for me and i used to SH and act suicidal because if someone found out then maybe they would know how bad i feel and maybe then they would forgive me for it. and maybe this isnt ocd or maybe it is but im just so so tired of being told im fine when im NOT because it's not like i can just say all of this to them. it's not like i can say "the first time i tried to kill myself was when i was seven because i got yelled at so i tried to drink nail polish remover." i cant say "i dont know if i care if i die at 60 because of smoking" and i cant say "ive always been the fuckup of the family and the only thing that makes me feel even a little bit better about that is if i stop trying not to be." i cant SAY that

Hey guys. I have been doing something (not cheating or anything like that) but something not good to my boyfriends cat. I have hurt it when I’ve gotten mad or yelled and picked it up aggressively and I told him about it and how I feel really bad and I’m definitely not going to be doing that anymore and I have no idea why it makes me so mad sometimes. But my boyfriend graciously forgave me and said as long as I don’t do that anymore and he still loves me and always wants to be with me, but I just feel like i don’t deserve that. I feel like an absolute terrible person for those things and I truly don’t believe I deserve to even be loved anymore. I’m really working on trying to love his cat now, but it’s been going on for a while and I feel like i’ve done too much to come back from. I feel like a terrible person and like i’m scared i have no heart but i truly feel guilty and will never do any harm to his cat again.

Hi there. To start with, i just finished my ocd-therapy. I found it useful in many areas, but i still struggle a lot with the past life ocd. If anyone would share tips in this how to handle these kind of situations better, i would love it. So, this weekend randomly, i got an instrutive thought that have i been somehow flirtatious or talkative to other men during our (me and my fiance) start of dating. Even i tried to avoid it, i went to check my old instagram convos, and found still some men commenting on my instagram stories, and i had liked the comments, or even answered with some emojis. Nothing disqussion or whatsoever. I felt immediate GUILT and ashamed as i always needed to be the picture perfect spouse(ocd about it). I felt that i am a cheater, and i had to confessing all of these to my man. Also sometimes me and my friend watched our ex’s ig stories (so petty). I felt immediately so embarrased,petty and disgusted to myself didnt know what to do. Reason behind probably was the most pettiest, because i felt so good about my relationship blooming and all these exes who did me wrong - i somehow wanted them to look how good i was doing. Which is toxic and embarrasing to admit. I love my man over anything, and started feeling that I havent been loyal or whatsoever. Also seeked for reassurance from him and my friends so basicaly failed in every step of avoiding these compulsions. In my history i have been in very toxic relationship before him, and had a lot of trust issues. I have been humiliated and cheated on, physically ab@sed in my past. I tried to reassure myself that i just found it difficult to commit and trust a man again after short 2-3 weeks of dating so i think my past took a control of insecurities. But still never done anything worse than that, and obviously i dont have anyone of my past in my socials anymore because it triggers me. I deleted everyone years go. It’s now almost 3years since we have met and i talked with my partner about all this. He is supportive with me and knows i have bad confessing ocd and cheating ocd which now this topic got triggered. His reaction was calm and supportive. I dont know what to do now. Feel like the worst partner, and also failed to stick up to not checking, asking for reassurance. Basicaly feel like a massive failure🙄 Should i delete my old convos with my friend that i wouldnt check those things? Now again Im trying my hardest to not go check more of those convos. I am also pregnant, passed my first trimester so my hormones are wilding. Feeling super upset about this and yeah, just wanted to talk about it. Sorry for long and mixed up text.

Hey, does anyone has had OCD about hallucinations/schizoprenia? One day i was driving home at night and it was stormy outside, and thats where it started (about 3 weeks ago). I was soooo scared of the trees and everything around me looked like something else, but not exactly. I cant even describe it. But not like as i was watching in front, but in the side of my eye, and when i looked directly on the tree it was all normal. But from that night i have soooo much stress in me, that i see very vivid images (but like in my head not in real life) but it makes up like it will be in reality and i will see those images any second. But i dont see them. Like i know that that isn't real, i know that there is no one standing or that tree is not a big bird (funny as it sounds), but in my mind i convince myself that i will see it. Like one day me and my boyfriend were driving and i imagined that his face turns into a monster and when i looked at him everything is okay, but when i turned aside i saw in my thoughts that horrible face. I knew that it is not real and its just my imagination, but damn i am scared, like i can't even do anything, i think about seeing something in front of me every second and i am so avare of everything around me, like every person, every cloud, flower, everything. Tomorrow i have an appointment with my psychiatrist and i sooooo soo much hope that this is just my ocd and extreme anxiety... please someone let me know that i am not alone in this 😭

Recently I've been experiencing intense and intrusive thoughts about how time is constantly passing, and one day I will be old and frail. Like, OCD is trying to convince me that my whole life will pass me by and it'll be like one day I wake up and suddenly I'm old and on the verge of death. With this has come fear of what comes after death. I just want to enjoy life now, without these thoughts plaguing me. It's like I'm stuck living in the past and future rather than what's right in front of me. And it makes me so sick thinking about how one day I won't have my mom, or my dad, or my grandparents. It's not that this is foreign to me, it's just that my OCD latched onto it and now it just keeps playing in my head. It's so hard to live in the moment. Im thinking it was exasperated by the fact that my families dog died recently; she was so endlessly loved by all of us. It's been several weeks and I haven't been back to my mom's house since then. Not to mention I'm also moving states in a month. I am so stressed, and scared, and I feel like this feeling will never end, even though I know it will. Can anyone else relate? Or have any advice for getting through this theme? TL;DR: I've had really bad existential ocd lately based on mortality and the afterlife. Has anyone else experienced this?

Hi everyone. I hope some of you can sympathise with me and my story, and why not share yours also..:) I wanted to share my story here because im at a very BAD point in my life and i basically feel burnt out and hopeless. My story with **OCD** begins in 2020-21 when i first googled if its normal to have constant thoughts you dont like or go against your character, and thats how i found out about ocd. Life was hell for some months as i constantly battled with some of the worst types of OCD that go against my character and who i am. *Also my dog was killed by a psycho and that impacted me a lot* -its a long story involving an ongoing *trial* My life was hell Long story short i visited a **psychiatrist** and got my diagnosis, she persisted its curable and others had overcome it and i did not go to therapy nor use ERP or other methods. I basically sat on a chair, cried for hours and explained what is going on inside my head and boom i just got meds and a new lifestyle because I HAD to go to another city to attend UNI. I got prescribed **escitalopram** and went back to Pharmacy school (yes the year i got diagnosed was my first year in Pharmacy School in my Country \[Greece\], i failed many classes and retook them next year, some i passed, some i failed again and with the pressure of time, many learning gaps and new classes i am now finishing year 4 out of 5, only having passed 22 classes leaving me with 24 more and thats when my troubles with mental health, anxiety and panic attacks begin again. \*my psychiatrist always tells me how a person like me is like a marathon runner trying to run with a broken leg. She used this analogy and never tells me you have this you have that. I see it written on my prescription though. Maybe so that I do not identify with my problem and use it as an excuse to cry all the time? She is kind of down to earth and harsh some times. But i know what i have. After balancing (or ignoring) my mental health all these years and some slight breath of fresh air and finally getting some stability for a short period of time- **without unwanted thoughts**- (purely out of attending uni and meeting my *boyfriend*, change of enviroment, having to live on my own etc.) last year my psychiatrist said that it was ok for me to get off meds and that i was stable and confident enough. **But i think i just tucked my problems with uni under a rug**. I got a part time job to help my financial needs and not be a burden for my parents who help me financially and i hated that job that only paid 3.5eur an hour and it wasnt worth the cope and it drained me so i quit after 2 months. I also couldnt attend university and had a major setback this year Academically. So much behing my peers. I feel like a failure and pharmacy school is hard and i have totally lost my spark and belief in my self and my abilities. I feel like i cant even remember basic chemistry, i cant recite anything, i cant absorb info OR MEMORIZE HUNDREDS OR THOUSANDS OF MEDS without crying and feeling hopeless before even starting. The constant anxiety and doubt about my future and panic attacks are killing me. I feel like i am brain dead and im constantly thinking about how many lessons i have to pass and i have Pharmacology Classes, Pharmaceutical Chemistry, etc etc while having so many GAPS from not even attending, memory loss, diziness etc and i dont know what to do. My family is kinda poor and have gone to great lenghts to help me go to uni in hopes of a better future and get my mental health under control. I love my parents and they are true gems and they care avout me very much but they are also very anxious and when i have a panic attack they cant handle it and it all ends in screaming and telling me to quit if i cant handle it. **The thing is:** -I feel like i am disappointing them and my old self on top of all that. I was not like this. Maybe i got burnt out or maybe this was not my calling and i cant do it which lead to all this mental crisis. -But i feel like i *have* to give it a try for the shake of my troubles. All my teenage years i've been trying to score good grades to get into a promising school and help me and my parents some time financially. But i feel like i am basically stupid and cant get anything done. I open a book and cry. When in the past i had courage to study and i actually believed in myself. -I got into Pharmacy with courage, strength and many hours of studying but UNI has gotten out of hand for me and i feel like im crawling while my peers are running. -I am totally hopeless. I dont know what to do. I have like 4 or 5 more years before they delete me of the courses (thats how it happens here) and i feel like ive lost track of my life. I dont like anything about my life. I cant focus on my pets, myself, my boyfriend. i dont know what my next move is. I have failed so much and i feel like middle schooler in terms of knowledge. -I want a quiet life with a job that pays enough for me to survive and maybe travel once in a while, i want pets and a piece of mind I feel like cant do Uni properly right now and i dont know if anyone else has a similar story or has gone through such difficulty before How can i get back on track, get myself to study so much when i fear studying and failure. Its not like i have 5 classes left. they are SO MANY and scary and i need to enroll with 100% of my brain capacity again when im basically in a vegetative state crying all day. I was an A student, how could i let myself hit rock bottom. **I feel like i am throwing my life away** I dont have any friends in the city where my uni is and thats very hard. Also im not a social person and i cant easily open up. Do i continue and give myself an opportunity- mind you how hard pharmacy is or do i start something new from scratch? something easier in my town to soothe my brain? My Degree is an MPharm deegree which is very promising and allows me to go abroads which has been my dream . But i feel to stupid to complete the classes, too burnt out How can i start over when i am at this state?How will i complete my dreams when everytime i wake up i feel like a complete failure, unable to even read a sentence out of my textbooks. Is OCD about Uni a thing? Cause thats whats been going on in my head for months now. Anyone that's had a similar experience or has some advice to offer? About my meds now:: I take **Trintellix (Vortioxetine)** i am on my 2nd week and dont feel anything at all. Escitalopram (my previous drug) i think helped with the mess in my head 2 yrs ago but made me super tired and my mind was foggy and I couldnt attend classes easily. I needed sleep all the time and was lethargic. My psych says this drug is promising because i was also diagnosed with major depressive episodes with panic and anxiety attacks. Is anyone taking it? **Extra Notes**: * I dont know if i am capable of putting in any work in my state- seems like i cant after all this failure. * My parents are really depressed with my state. I dont know what i can do to help them. They said im killing them * Jobs in Greece arent easy to find- they pay shit- most are service jobs. I wasnt planning to do that with my life. Seems like i am wasting years and potential but at the same time my mind fights in favour of dropping everything * Should i work Season and save money for some other college? For something less hard. I cant survive here without some sort of degree. **My point is after all this blah blah:** How do i get past all that? how can i get behing my academic needs and stop the voice in my head? Is it possible for someone like me? ------- I really want to hear similar stories or opinions, or some spark of hope. I dont know anyone with ocd or even attending Uni with ocd. Please dont be harsh on me if you dont know how ocd works. I am battling with my head everyday to the point of mental and physical exhaustion Also my 1st language isnt english so sorry for errors Thanks for reading, *yes i know im undecided and a mess.* :) love and hope to all reading my story. I hope one day i come back with great news and stronger

How can I tell the difference between real urges and ocd screwing with me? I wake up in the morning and the first thing that happens is I start seeing harm images/thoughts. But now it’s starting to feel like I want those things, even though I don’t. Like it just feels like normal thoughts because I’m consciously thinking of them and it feels like my brain or body wants me to do these awful things. I know in my heart and my “normal” brain that this is not something I’d want, but it still is the first thing I see in the morning and I’m really starting to question how I actually feel. And if it will ever leave. Is that normal for this??? How do any of you ever tell the difference between these at this point?

Does anyone else have a such a bad fear of death that it keeps you up at night? Makes you scared to close your eyes? I’ve been struggling with this for years & don’t know how to accept the fact I’ll die one day. For example when people I knew from school or through my parents etc died I will fear for days I’ll be next. My friend can’t even mention dying or death around me because it will my emotions & fear. I am so scared to die tragically, (murder, car accident, shooting etc.) I am scared to die young. I am scared I won’t become elderly. I’m scared going in to a new school year wondering If I’ll be next to die. I’m scared of going into a new school year wondering if I’ll die in a shooting. I’m scared I will randomly have an unknown condition that can kill me. Sorry this is so long but I need to know if anyone else is like this.

The other day I wanted to sign up for this 2 day class that seemed interesting to me but thought I'd buy tickets in the morning and if not it wasn't meant to be but then it did sell out but I was extremely sad and emailed the company asking to be told if anyone dropped out or anything and long story short he told me that I can just show up but then I remembered how I had thought if I didn't get tickets then maybe it wasn't meant to be so I got concerned and just prayed to God that if I wasn't meant to go for some reason that something would block me from going or it would be cancelled or something. And then I got an email that it was postponed because of the instructors flight being delayed so instead of having one session today and one tomorrow they r having both tomorrow and I really want to go but I'm afraid God was telling me not to by postponing it. And it's a scary drive making me scared I'll get in a car crash

i’m having such a terrible night. my day started off great. i went to the beach with a couple friends and was happy all day. it wasn’t until i was on my way home and anxiety over throwing up started to kick in. it hasn’t gone away since then and it got worse after being triggered by the possibility of getting sick from poor water quality. the beach i swam in was good equality but google says you can still get sick from it. then i was distracting myself, finally calming down when panic started to ensue. and this panic is unrelated however it’s making me nauseous, making my anxiety even worse. it came from me questioning if i was anxious or panicked over anything else after i was finally calming down and now i am. i can’t even explain how i’m feeling or what my mind is making me feel but it’s terrible. i would do anything for it to go away. i’m currently using my heating pad and have a cold pack on my neck, but it’s not working well. nothing sounds calming or is putting me at ease. and i don’t want to sit with it. i’m in fight or flight mode but there is not really anything i can to fix this immediately. HOW DO PEOPLE COPE WITH THIS?? i’m so tired of being in a constant state of anxiety or panic. it’s exhausting and i continue asking why it has to be me because that’s all i’ve felt for as long as i can remember. i’m so frustrated and CANNOT understand why i constantly have to feel like this all of the time. trying to cope literally feels against my nature because i feel like i’m in a state of imminent danger that i cannot rationalize in a way that will calm myself down. i just want this to end (i’m not suicidal). right now at this moment. i want all of the mental anguish and suffering to go away. i just want to live a day of peace. but what’s even worse is when i feel calm, it feels weird and uncomfortable. like being anxious and alert feels correct to me. it feels like a lose-lose situation. i’m about to cry because i’m so exhausted and frustrated. it’s either always something constant, new, or both. i never get a break. i appreciate anyone who took the time to read this, thank you 🫶🏻

I remember when I was younger I accidentally slapped my brother in his privates (I KNOW it was an accident), and he said “can you please not touch there?” I remember i freaked out at the time worried that his tone was indicating that I had done this before or that i’d m*lested him before. I felt really anxious and guilty when he said it like that. I’m looking back on this and i am obsessing. Should I be worried? Should I dig deeper into my memories to try to figure out what else i could have done, was there any deeper meaning, what exactly was I thinking and feeling that day when he said that? Maybe I was anxious because i knew something had happened? I’m so scared. What do I do? The more I ruminate the fuzzier and fuzzier the memory is. Please help.